Welcome to Outpost Nine! Original home of the "I am a Japanese School Teacher"/ "Gaijin Smash" editorials on Japan, as well as other works of fiction and non-fiction.

This is a personal web site maintained by me, Azrael (not my real name). Come and go as you please, but I hope you find enough interesting content to stay and keep coming back.

If you have any questions, please read the following FAQ. If you've read the FAQ and you still have an unanswered question, or you just wanna say hey, my email is at the bottom.

Q: Hey, how'd you get to work in Japan? I've got some questions....

I came to live and work in Japan on the JET Programme. Basically, if you have a bachelors degree, native English fluency, and an interest in Japan, you may be eligible to participate.

If you have questions about JET, DON'T ASK ME. I'm not the JET spokesboy, never was. Ask them. Or, ask some other people who have been/are on JET. The Message Board is a good place to start. Or, check your university's career center, they almost certainly have information on it. Or, your best friend Google.

Q: I've been curious about (some aspect) of Japan. Can you tell me more about it?

If you've asked me about something I'm personally interested in, or something I've never been asked before, I may respond. But if you're the 10,000th person to ask me about anime in Japan, or what some good places to visit are, I probably won't. If I didn't answer your question, there's a good chance there's already an abundance of info out there on it.

Q: How much Japanese did you study before going to Japan?

Four years in university.

Q: Can you recommend some Japanese learning materials?

No. I used university textbooks which I imagine is the standard fare. The rest was done by actually living here. There's no particular book or method that I found to be incredibly useful.

Q: Can you teach me Japanese?

No.

Q: Why'd you move the teacher editorials to Festering Ass?

The move allows me to do more with the editorials, including reach a bigger audience, as well as increase the possibility of a book being published somewhere down the line. Additionally, with the change in format, I can continue writing about my time in Japan - I was planning to end the editorials when my tenure on JET ended in August 2006. As of now, I can estimate that I will be in Japan until August 2008...but this is only a very rough estimate.

Q: Do you have AIM/Messenger? Can we chat sometime?

Unfortunately no. I almost never use these things, and I don't feel inclined to start. Additionally, thanks to time zones by the time I get home from work, most of you are asleep. ...Most of you.

Q: Do you accept submissions?

Not anymore. It's hard enough keeping up with my own work - I can't be held accountable for others. Try posting in the Creativity Forum of the message board.

Q: I'm going to be visiting Japan soon. Can you tell me some good places to visit?

I'm not a Lonely Planet. Go buy one.

Q: Can you tell me about (some other job scene/industry) in Japan?

Not really. Since I'm not involved, the best I could do is random outsider observations. A Google Search would be your best friend here.

Q: I saw somebody online with the Azrael handle at ____________________, was it you?

Probably not.

Q: Why haven't you answered my email?

I get a lot of email. It would be humanly impossible to answer them all.

I do read them all, so rest assured that your seconds/minutes/hours spent typing me a message were not wasted. On the contrary, it's appreciated very much. But as I said, I can't respond to everything. If I do respond, great. If I don't, that doesn't mean I dislike you.

There are some surefire ways to ensure your mail ends up in the trashbox though. Emailing me about something I've already answered in the FAQ, for one. Sending me the same mail over and over is another good way. Including me on your email forwards lists is another as well.

Gaijin Smash/Teacher Editorial Specific Questions

Q: Why don't you wear a cup/some sort of crotch protection to school?

You're not the first person to suggest this.

I'm not about to go to my job, in a school, wearing athletic sports gear. Nor would it compel me to actually stand there and let them grab/poke all they want. I'd still be trying to get out of the way, and a cup would only dull my senses.

Q: Do women get kanchoed/groped as well?

It's possible. It is MUCH, MUCH rarer for women than men, but it is still possible (and has happened).

More often than not, you may get a young girl who feels up a titty out of jealousy.

Q: I want to visit Japan, but I *really* don't want to be kanchoed...

Don't worry. If you are just visiting, the chances are very, very rare that this'll happen. Kids do not just run up and randomly kancho Gaijin on the streets (for the most part). The biggest risk is if you happen to find yourself in an elementary schools (this doesn't apply for the majority of you). Even if you do find yourself in an elementary school, if you make it clear that this is a thing that will bother you, it should not be a problem.

But above all else, do remember that it is a game kids play, no different than our Purple Nurples or Indian Burns or Atomic Wedgies and what not. Maybe far more disgusting, but hey, different strokes I guess.

Q: Do any of your kids/teachers know about your site? What would they think if you showed them?

They don't know as far as I know, and I have no intention of telling them.

While I don't necessarily think any of it is bad (except for the nicknames...), they're my own thoughts which I don't feel they need to know. I doubt any of them would accidentally find it, and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to fully read it (remember, the kids are still English students.)

Q: Can you put up a picture of so-and-so?

There are pictures up around this site, and many people from the editorials are featured in them, but barring a few exceptions I'm not going to point anyone out. These are real people, and while it's a longshot I don't necessarily want them to be harassed one day on the street by a curious tourist. "Hey, you're the Americanized teacher, aren't you...?" kind of thing.

I will not privately mail you any pictures either, so don't ask.

Q: How are you communicating with the kids? English? Japanese?

If it's something said in English I usually point it out. Otherwise it's probably Japanese. The more complicated stuff is definitely Japanese.

Q: I'd like to have a Japanese penpal. Can you hook me up with any of your students?

No. I don't need anymore penpals.

Q: What is the octopus?

I'm really not telling.

And it doesn't matter how nicely you ask or beg or what you try to bribe me with (unless the bribe is really, really good. Even then it's still a longshot).

Q: Have you seen this? (Insert Google Video/You Tube video here)

Please do not send me wacky videos of crazy stuff from Japan. Remember that I live here, and probably saw it before you did. That goes triple for any Bob Sapp/Hard Gay videos you may be thinking of sending.

I also don't need "proof" of kancho or anything else I've mentioned.

Q: Hey, did you know that...?

Chances are, yes, I know. If you are about to start your mail with "You've probably already seen this, but...", I probably already have seen it.

But, just to narrow down some of the possibilities here, yes, I know that...

The sleeping on trains and waking up at the right moment thing isn't exclusive to the Japanese.

Japanese women never seem to get pregnant because the abortion rate is astonishingly high.

In some other European countries it is quite normal for everyone to enjoy a bath/sauna naked with no weirdness.

Ass-medicine, or suppositories, are also common in some parts of Europe, and are usually stronger than orally-ingested medicines.

Kancho is also in Korea, called Ddong Chim.

There is a kancho video game as well as shirts and other creative merchandise.

The kancho reference in Wikipedia makes reference to one of my editorials.

There used to be a reference in Wikipedia/Urban Dictionary for "waist-shake", and yes I did bring that one upon myself.

There is a hardcore metal following in Japan (it's really a subculture...).

Hard Gay is on internet video, and yes he will be appearing in a video game.

Thanks for the heads-up though.

Q: Ok, I've read everything. Now can I have your email address?

Only if you promise to play nice.