Before we get to the #1 spot, there's one more show that deserves mention.
Dishonorable Mention: Waratte Ii Tomo!
The title of the show translates to "Its Okay To Laugh!". Which is a pretty bold statement, considering they don't give you much to laugh at. Its almost like a dentist who specializes in root canals hanging a sign up over the dentists chair that reads "It's Okay to Orgasm!"
This show doesn't make the main list primarily because its daytime TV...and I think it's a rule of the cosmos that daytime TV must suck. Like, if Moses had stayed up on the mountain just wee bit longer, God would have carved "Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Daytime TV" as the 11th Commandment into the stone tablet. So I can't hate on it for sucking, because sucking is a part of its destiny. This show did teach me something rather eye-opening about Japanese TV in general though, which is why it gets the mention at least.
The show features Tamori as a host (he joins Sanma as one of the "Big 3"). Tamori conducts a dull interview with some random celebrity, and the rest of the show is devoted to celebrities playing games, often with food involved. ...But wait, this sounds almost exactly like every other show you've described so far, you may say. And you would be absolutely right. So, think about that for a moment - Japanese daytime and primetime TV are virtually identical.
The other thing I noticed while being subjected to this show is that the studio audience is 100% female. That got me thinking, and I realized that most shows had a predominately female audience. It makes sense, because Japanese guys are rarely ever home in the evenings. They work late hours, and even if/when they don't, there are drinking parties, trips to the local whorehouse, or hours to waste away at the pachinko parlor. And that's when everything clicked - Japanese TV is primarily meant for Japanese women. So its like a combination of daytime TV and the Lifetime Channel, on every channel, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
So, for us guys, this is more or less the first step into Hell itself.
This is especially problematic for Japan, because Japanese women are exceptionally boring. This is a blanket statement, and of course there will be exceptions (like Ms. Americanized, for example), but any male who has ever dated enough Japanese girls can testify to just how infuriatingly dull they are. Trying to make conversation with one can be just as fun as trying to pull the wisdom teeth from a rabid sabretooth tiger, bare-handed.
What are your hobbies? a potential suitor may ask. Japanese girl replies - "I like to go shopping, and sleep." Goddamnit, sleeping is NOT a hobby. Going home and losing consciousness for several hours does not count as a hobby! ...The shopping I will refrain from commenting on. While I don't think it's a hobby, I'll also admit that I don't understand it, so I can't say much about it. Might as well be witchcraft.
So when you consider that this is the audience that Japanese TV is trying to entertain...yeah. Apparently, they can do nothing better than go to sleep when they are not working (if they work...), so its no wonder they can be easily amused by whatever nonsense is on TV. I'm thinking of making a new Japanese TV show where I spin a nickel on a tabletop for 25 minutes. I'm expecting decent ratings, and perhaps if I can get Sanma to help me spin my nickel as we eat and he laughs uncontrollably as I read from the Declaration of Independence, then the show should be a 10-year hit.
So, having had this revelation about Japanese TV, that brings us to my #1 most hated show...
#1: Gout Temps Nouveau
In this show, three women meet up at a café or a restaurant, and eat, drink, and talk. ...And, that's it. No, really. There are no crazy situations or insane stunts, no plot or storyline, and there isn't even the slightest bit of lesbian wrestling covered in baby oil (I would watch that...). This TV show amounts to nothing more than watching three women have a conversation, and perhaps eat or drink while doing so.
This is one of my wife's favorite TV shows.
Recently, my wife met up with two of her friends; S-san, and R-san, who had a baby last year. They got together at a café and ate/drank while talking. The wifey was telling me about this, and I just had to point something out...
Me: So the three of you hung out at a café and talked about life and romance and whatever shit women talk about?
Wife: Yeah, it was fun!
Me: Doesn't that sound a lot like that Gout Temps show you watch?
Wife: Well...when you put it that way...yes, it does.
Me: So then...if you can do this with your friends in real life...what's the point of watching it on TV?
Wife: But, the people on TV are celebrities!
Me: And, what do these celebrities talk about?
Wife: Well...life and romance and what not.
Me: And what do you and your friends talk about?
Wife: Well...life and romance and what not.
Me: *raises an eyebrow towards her*
Wife: But...they're celebrities!
Me: ...Sigh.
It should be noted that "Gout Temps Nouveau" is a renewal of "Gout Temps". What changed? I have no idea. I also don't know how long Gout Temps has been around, but I know it was airing when I first came to Japan, so that puts it at 6 years at least.
So keep this in mind - if you just happen to be free some day and want to randomly ask a Japanese friend of yours out for some conversation and food or drinks, without making a proper appointment well in advance to do so, you will probably be turned down. Your Japanese friend (especially if female) will then watch a TV show where people have conversations, food and drinks.
...Yep.
So that's my list. There were a lot of crappy shows I couldn't include because I don't want to write that much about bad Japanese TV. These are just my personal top 5 offenders. It amazes me that the television here can be so awful; it's a level of crap that I never imagined possible. But on the other hand, thanks to Japanese TV, I've rediscovered how awesome video games are (television has to be used for something) so I guess its not a complete loss. My only problem now is finding a way to get my wife off these shows before I'm driven completely insane.
If you all have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
It's these sort of posts that make me fear a future with an asian woman
How good is her English? If it's decent, you could try show her how good American TV is (by comparison, by comparison)
First.
And I thought MTV was bad.. Well it is, but I guess not as bad as Japanese TV, then.
My solution would be hiding the remote control, except the time I tried that, it turned out the TV had some buttons on the backside to switch it on.. which meant I still had to hear horrible reality shows, at double the volume because there weren't any buttons for that.
So I guess it's not much of a solution, then.
BTW, what does the title mean? Temp workers at a podiatrist's office? Nah... maybe a bad translation of "Good Times" (not getting hassled, not getting hustled)
In my time in Japan, I would often go to the gym in the evening. The TVs set up there would always be showing Sanma and the "oh my gosh, is there a ghost in that picture?" show. I remember how dumb I thought they were, and this was out of the corner of my eye, without sound, while jogging or whatever. I can only imagine the pain of sitting down and directly watching these programs.
Kantan da.
Just introduce her to classic American television. Start with Heroes, due to its focus on the Japanese cast at several points, and move on to bigger and badder shows... Compared to Japanese television, it'd be like getting a shot of adrenaline and cocaine in the same needle.
If that's too big of a jump, maybe you could show her some American daytime television. Or better yet, American primetime talkshows. Whose Line Is It Anyways? and Colbert Report come highly recommended...
Tell her Japanese TV makes her look fat. And then sleep on a bench outside for a while.
Teach her to play games with you, then get her into the Jenna Jameson "games" as a source of ideas for nighttime fun. =p
The purpose of television is to create a particular atmosphere in the room... well, at least for me. I like some of these shows because: (1) - they make me laugh from time to time, (2) - they're lighthearted, and (3) - I can break out my laptop and easily get work done while the television is on.
Taiwanese television is also awful, and apparently in almost exactly the same way Japanese television is awful. Variety shows with 'wacky' sound effects randomly inserted into the action are the mainstay, and thus I've been forced to avoid television like the plague for both my continued sanity and my lingering faith in the essential goodness of humanity.
On the other hand, I went back to the United States for a couple of weeks a few months back and quickly rediscovered how soul-crushingly awful so much American television is, as well.
Perhaps the essential message behind all this is that we should stop rendering ourselves progressively stupider (stupider? more stupid?) by watching crappy entertainment and instead start spending more time reading 19th century existentialist Russian literature.
Or just playing more video games. Whichever.
Duh! Move back to the States!
Well, I now fear that my wife will discover this "nouveau" show and I will be forced to do something violent to stop her from watching it. Could you tell me when it airs so I may, as a precaution, turn off the power in our apartment to prevent her from tuning to it by accident? Thanks in advance!
(Az's Note: Wednesdays at 11PM)
"My only problem now is finding a way to get my wife off these shows before"
So you have to find a celebrity and go to a café...
"It's like on the TV !!!"
Or buy her a Nintendo DS....
1. Get her something else than 'celebrities' to gossip about with her friends or co-workers...
2. Return the good old female headache argument against her when you REALLY can't take it anymore.
Az, every time one of these shows comes on tell her it's "baby-mak'n" time.
That way she stops watching and you get laid. Double win.
What's going on here? It seems like a world-wide conspiracy of all major TV-companies.
Here in Germany the TV-Shows are not any better. In fact they consist to equal parts of
a) watching people emigrate
b) watching people re-migrate (emigrated people coming back)
c) cooking shows
d) casting shows
My wife likes them, because they make her "come down". I would like her to come instead.
What the hell does "Gout Temps Nouveau" means ?
I'm french and I know these three words, but together they don't make any sense.
In literal English it means "Taste time (new)" which means something (less with the "new" though).
Except of course, "Taste time" in French would be "L'heure du goût"
I totally understand most errors even on locals shop (some friend got back from japan and told me about the weirdest "french" names for bakeries) but here... :)
But such a big error on primetime TV...
Even "Baguette Bardot" clip by Toast Girl (a huge laugh, I love it!) is almost error-free.
(I'll said it again, no need for a typekey link if your site isn't registered in it ^^)
It's not just Japanese TV.....Taiwan and South Korea also have terrible TV....basically every democracy in East Asia watches the same type of absolute crap. Just be glad the world is so connected that you can still access the goodness of American TV everywhere (okay, the goodness of American genre shows....none of that reality bullshit).
Why not get your wife watching sex and the city....that's basically the same stuff she watches now, but with American celebrities and some nudity for you to enjoy while you don't pay attention. Then you slowly start moving her towards lesser evils like Friends and then finally you get her off of all that and make her watch good shows like Burn Notice and House (I don't know how well Japan would take to a doctor who knows everything though....if he doesn't specialize then he's not a real doctor according to their backwards logic).
Oh Az...could you explain a way for Asians (non-Japanese or otherwise) who grew up in America, like me, to perform a proper Gaijin Smash >.>;; Everytime, I go to Japan I get treated like I'm one of them....then they realize I'm a foreigner and I get sneered at as if I've done some terrible wrong to them (that wrong being that I speak English....).
Record some of the shows from days ago and replay them when she wants to watch them. That way you can just tell her they must be airing all reruns that day and you get your game time.
@Laafje:
Gout Temps Nouveau is a bastardization of French
if I were to translate it word for word it would mean:
Taste Time New
Judging by the type of show it is, it seems a lot like the View.
I pity you Az, I really do
"Gout Temps" is french for Taste Trends or something like that. "Nouveau" means New.
So that's probably why all they do is eat, haha.
Anyways.. I'm pretty sure one or two of my friends watches the one where celebrities talk and eat with samna rofl-ing. And she enjoys it very much. I tried watching it once, and I was only interested because one of my favourite japanese celebrities was on.
Quite a few years back[maybe about 10? I stopped hearing about the show around 5~ years ago] there was a dubbed japanese show that was shown on local television, and it was pretty entertaining for a change.
I can only recall its chinese name[it was called 超极変変変] and it was a pretty random show where people came on stage, had around 1 minute or less to put up an entertaining show. They would then be ranked upon a scale of 20, based on 4 or 5 judges, who would then say something to them after their score was awarded.
Here`s a clip that was pretty popular around here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dcmDscwEcI
Have you seen this show in Japan before? Is it an anomaly in Japanese TV or am I just whacked up for liking some Japanese TV?
"Gout Temps Nouveau"?
That is such a horrible mangling of the French language that it makes me want to cry. I don't even particularly like French.
@bt: "Gout Temps Nouveau" is French. Gout= taste; temps (has a lot of meanings)= day/time/times; nouveau= new.
So it was probably intended to translate as something like "(New) Tasting Time". Still a stupid name.
Nice to know it isn't just us English speakers who think that words in another language somehow add sophistication or cool points...
Az,
Another great post! I especially love your usage of Star Trek face palm's.
OK, but the cure is worse than the disease:
Get her pregnant!
As children are in your future, how about Sesame Street, Electric Company, etc in Japanese? Do they have anything that counts as "educational"?
Do you get Korean or Chinese TV?
http://www.tv-asahi.co.jp/qsama/
That is the only show that I miss from Japanese television. Mostly because it gave me a chance to learn more Japanese/test out my own Japanese knowledge. Also, as far as I remember this show doesn't have one of damn mascots. Or at least not an extremely obtrusive one. (I remember one quiz show that I couldn't stand because they had a mascot that they rendered in 3D and was voiced by somebody who wanted to make me tear my ears out. Not to mention, everyone talked to it like it actually existed. It was painful.) I suggest giving it a try, that is if your wife isn't already watching something at that time.
I don't know what it is, but do the Japanese feel that all celebrities must be liked? I am pretty sure these shows could be entertaining if you enjoy 1 or 2 of the celebrities that are on them, but usually I don't think you would.
Great, celebrity 1 had her 1 year anniversary and celebrity 2 just broke up with her boyfriend. The problem is we don't care about celebrity 1 or 2. So why would we want to hear them talk.
Get her to watch Firefly.
Import some DVD's of some good North American shows.
Or, if you can find the translated ones, that might work. Subtitles in Japanese for her might be good.
rofl, waratte iitomo. i recognize the host from music station but until now I've always assumed that he was blind. XDD
I thought the gout was a disease that affected the joints of your body and was from eating too much organ meat. I guess watching this show is about as much fun as suffering from the disease.
It's french. My french is admittedly rusty, but I believe it's "Taste Time New." But what I want to know is why the hell does a japanese show have a french title?
"Me: And what do you and your friends talk about?
Wife: Well...life and romance and what not.
Me: *raises an eyebrow towards her*
Wife: But...they're celebrities!"
And your response to your wife should be, 'but you (and your friends) are more exciting than celebrities aren't they?'
I say try to convince your wife that she's more interesting than the celebrities she watches.
Make her get a real hobby that is more interesting than watching TV. Some art or craft perhaps. Maybe a sport. Then she'll be more apt to watch TV pertaining to a real interest than the shallow affectations of meaningless celebrities.
Ideally, one can find a woman of such a vein prior to the long term relationship, but they seem to be difficult to find. Already taken? Busy with their hobby instead of meeting guys? It is a mystery.
At least every once in a while you might catch a giant monster being violently destroyed by the hands of an equally giant superhero. On the weekends. Maybe.
But hell, as much as I love that genre, I've tried watching some real Japanese TV before (both at home and in Japan) and it was not pleasant. At all. I have a hard time complaining about American reality TV when confronted with stuff like that. D:
I'll stick to letting other people sift the shows I like out of the crap for me and downloading them at my convenience, yes.
I used to really enjoy reading your blog, I thought it was an interesting look at a culture I know very little about. Having read these ridiculous and hypocritical posts about how stupid japanese people are for watching moronic TV I don't think I'll bother coming back onto this site.
All this bashing is coming from a grown man who plays video games and watches cartoons, call it manga or anime or whatever you want, it's still cartoons. That to me means that you are no judge of any media that people enjoy.
And by the way there is an equivalent of Gout Temps in practically every developed country in the world.
And saying why would you watch something on tv when you could just do it yourself? Why not ask the millions of sports fans all over the world who do or do not play sports?
I catch Ninja Warrior on g4 from time to time, does that show barely come on or something?
Have you considered fire? I don't mean that Yule Log video (Though, if you put that on TV and had celebrities talk about it, you'd make a shitload of yen.) but actual fire? Just go burn down the studios, make sure there's nothing left. Then, tell the authorities that the TV made you do it. You'll get off with a fine and having to make some kind of public apology, and then you can live your life free of this stuff for a few days.
Or, introduce your wife to Hulu.com.
The most efficient way to resolve both the problems of the crappy quality of television programming and get your wife away from said craptastic shows is to come back to the good old US of A
While it might deprive us of the entertainment value of your trials and tribulations as a resident of Japan, I know I would be willing to trade that for the sanity and well-being of a fellow brother and geek/video game junkie :)
Next set of Tv shows you should do should have something that has to do with the S&M part of Japanese and how they love pain for...whatever odd reason it is. @_@
i can only think of a few things, get her into video games mainly MMORPG's for their addictiveness, another ting would be to take her out more often(if you can) thats about all i can think off.
I am laughing SO hard at Jared Foust's comments for so many reasons I could scarcely name them. Of all the people in the world to essentially accuse of racism, Az probably isn't on the list.
In addition, I can't believe that you honestly wanted to compare sports to eating and talking. On the best of days I might manage a really terrible game of basketball, but I am pretty sure I can handle eating and talking. There really is a fundamental difference that, since you have chosen to ignore, shows you are just being facetious and argumentative.
Ooh to the people trying to figure out the title. Yes, temps means day/time whatever, literally, but there's the phrase air-du-temps or something like that which essentially means trends.
Hence my previous translation taste trends.. Which kinda makes sense. Or yes, just a really mangled french phrase..
I hope one day there's a show about celebrities watching a show about celebrities eating and talking. I think it'd be something the people could relate to.
(Az's Note: Too slow. The Japanese already do this. The celebrities go out to a random location and eat, and the celebrities in studio watch the video, and we get a picture-in-picture of the celebrities watching the celebrities eating and talking.
Isn't that just grand?)
Heya az, ignore that one guy who is bashing on you. you still got great stuff :)!! this stuff is hilarious and i for one appreciate the services you provide here. good luck with the tv thing and keep up the good work!!
-matt of north carolina
PS: as a person wanting to go through jet in the future, how often do the good anime shows come on? these kinda shows would make me suicidal....
Dude Japanese TV made me sell my TV. I got a fancy computer monitor to ensure that thee would be ZERO chance that Japanese TV would ever darken my day.
Where does anime fit into the structure of Japanese TV? I know it's on late at night.
Hey, how about some American TV! Lets see whats on:
1. People investigating (talking to themselves) "haunted" places (scaring themselves).
2. People doing ____ in the wilderness.
3. People trying to find out how/why someone is dead/dying.
Replace "People" with anything: "Celebrities" (washed up), children, animals.
Also remember that no matter how bad tv is abroad, The Jerry Springer Show is on its umpteenth season here in the good ol' US of A.
Sex and the City is good (and you have Samantha, who has sex with a different dude every episode. And your wife would probably like Charlotte) Weeds is a good one. House is good. The New Adventures of Old Christine (my mom is in love with this show). Project Runway (boyfriend's suggestion). I guess anything that would be on Discovery Health (my favorite channel... but I'm weird)