If you all thought "uiiiiiish!" Daigo* was bad, let me introduce you to - IKKO.
*I was pleasantly surprised to see most of you think of the Street Fighter player Daigo first and foremost. I was also happy to see that entering in "Daigo" in YouTube returned more results of him than the Japanese rocker Daigo. Maybe the world isn't as hopeless as I feared...
In the words of Austin Powers, that's a man, baby!
I guess you would call IKKO the RuPaul of Japan. S/he rose to fame for being beautiful (????) and an expert on fashion and makeup. So many young Japanese girls follow IKKO's advice on how to do their makeup and look beautiful. ...Just think about that for a moment, let it roll around in your heads - Japanese girls turning to a cross-dresser dude on how to look pretty. ...Yup.
So IKKO will point out some beauty or health care product that s/he uses, and Japanese girls will FLOCK to go and buy it. Gotta love the group mentality, huh? I remember thinking, after seeing s/he endorse some beauty product on TV once, "I wish IKKO would endorse negro penis or something, have Japanese girls flocking to me in the hundreds of thousands."
And y'know...you really must be careful about what you wish for.
The wife had dragged me into yet another department store one day. As we were walking, we noticed a large group gathered in front of some brand-name store (Louis Vitton? I don't know or give a fuck...). As I was in the middle of Shopping Hell, I was doing as I always do - wishing for the sweet release of death and daydreaming about yellow kittens. My wife however wanted to see what the commotion was about, so she dragged me over. We were standing behind the large group...but remember that I'm tall and Japanese people are tiny, so as their heads only came up to my chest at best I could see clealy into the store.
It was IKKO.
S/he was doing a segment for a TV show. I don't know what about, I guess whatever cross dressers do in brand name department stores. I told my wife and of course she bugged out, and pulled out her cell phone to take pictures of the person she usually sees on TV, so she can show her friends and family a distant and blurry cell phone pic of a person they see on their HDTV's every other day. As my wife was doing this, something caught IKKO's eye: me. S/he looked out at the crowd, looked back at the camera, then actually turned her/his head to look out this way, at me specifically. I didn't think too much of it at first, I mean I do stick out like a sore thumb here, especially in female-dominated department stores. Its like playing Where's Waldo if Waldo were dumped into (insert an incredibly outlandish and implausible scenario here.)*
*Thought I was going to do that joke twice, didn't ya?
But here's the thing - at one point it went past the "Hey look, there's a big tall black Gaijin" and well into the "Hey, check out that prime piece of meat!" territory. I'm not a cross dresser or gay, but I can tell when a guy sees a target that registers over 9000 on the "I'd Hit It" scouter. I think I broke IKKO's scouter.
...The sad thing is, this isn't even the first time I've been checked out by a cross-dresser/transvestite in Japan. First time its been a famous cross-dresser though. ...Sigh.
So I tell my wife that IKKO just totally checked me out...and her response is unexpected to say the least. Somehow, this elates her. She immediately jumps on her cell phone to start informing her friends and family that her husband just caught IKKO's eye. ...And as an aside, how would you even react to that? You're sitting at home watching TV, and you get a text from your friend - "Hey, this famous cross-dresser just checked out my husband!" ...Um...OK? Would you care for a delicious Hot Pocket?
My wife even suggests that if I wanted to, I could go on a date with IKKO. "If you hang out around the filming location, she might come talk to you - then you could invite her on a date! That would be cool!" ...No, it wouldn't. This eventually leads to a conversation where I find out that, were I so inclined, I could have all the extramarital sex I wanted to. All the extramarital gay sex I wanted to. Not just famous cross-dressers, no no. Any random dude I wanted to pork would be A-OK.
Me: WTF...so lets say we're at home, and I get up and I'm like, "Well, I'm gonna go have some gay sex."
Her: I'd say, "Well, see you later! Have fun!"
Me: And when I came back?
Her: I'd just say "Welcome home. Was it fun? You missed having a nice pair of tits to play with, didn't you?"
Me: ...No seriously, WTF?!
I then asked her about extramarital heterosexual sex, and the answer was a resounding no. No exceptions for any famous actresses, musicians, or otherwise. No people I knew, no random encounters, and apparently no horrendously ugly women either. How in God's name does that work? I asked her, and she didn't know. Just, me and some dude having sex is fine, me and any other woman is a big, big no no.
So, let's review.
This? I could hit to my heart's content.
This? Nope, shit would hit the fan at 200mph.
This? Go tap dat ass!
This? You horrible, horrible human being.
I really don't understand women.
Disclaimer 1:
I asked my wife about the reverse - if I would be expected to be cool with her having sex with other women. She told me I didn't have to worry about that, since she had absolute zero interest in women. Damn, there goes that fantasy...
Disclaimer 2:
Before the "I am completely and totally morally disgusted by you!" comments come flooding in, I'm not actually interested in extramarital sex, even if I had the opportunity for it. I doubt I could actually be motivated to do it (I don't think any woman tops my wife, so it'd be pointless and stupid). I just found the topic to be fascinating.
Ultimately, my "permission" doesn't even matter, as I don't even have a little bisexual in me. No offense to guys who swing that way. But men just do nothing for me. I don't like the male form at all. I can barely even tolerate my own penis.
Az's Penis: Hey, I heard that! I'm so making you pay for that later.
Me: ...Fuck.
Az's Brain: Hey, if Penis goes on strike, can I get some of that blood supply back? I've been working on this theory for world peace...
Seems like japanes people accept ... well ... "other thinking" people far more.
Of course, I just had to go check other IKKO videos... Which produced another fit of laughter, along with a rising concern for the well-being and mental health of the Japanese.
Although, I sort of get your wife on that whole "feel free to sleep with other men" thing. In the obscure labyrinths of our feminine minds it just makes some weird sense... like it's an experience we couldn't ever provide, so... errr... it's sort of hard to explain.
But I just think she was teasing you, if she'd thought for one second you'd actually be interested she wouldn't have said it. Yes,we are that devious.
... and just when I thought this day was going to be shit, I end up falling of my chair laughing. That is a very funny story, though it got me thinking.
I never got the lady-boy meme. You hear about gay people eveyday, so it kinda got to the point where it's just a fact of everyday modern life.
But when you see someone you might actually get a boner from - and then find out they're a guy - well, you tell me what that does to you.
They could at least have the balls to go all the way through with a sex-change ... no, wait ... I mean guts ... yeah, yeah, they should have the guts to go all the way through ...
Are you serious?!! Hahahah Ikko the women that everyone or well the crossdresser that everyone looks up to... hahah and I guess he wanted himself some chocolate ;) oooooo ^_^ somone got some cocofever!!
Your wife is cool! She's probably just a yaoi fan, that's all. And it's always surprised me that most men are so flabbergasted by the fact that many women like the thought of men having gay sex, when so many men (including the men bewildered at the thought of those weird weird perverted women) are so into the thought of women having lesbian sex. Same principle applies.
IKKO was a famous fashion designer and commentator. He became famous for that long before he decided to become a crossdressing homo-whatever. The reason the girls flock to what he says is because they're sheep and they wouldn't know what true fashion and style was if it bit them on the ass. However, IKKO's fashion style is actually very good and would be better than leaving the girl's to their own devices. (I mean, if someone told these girls that it would be fashionable to strap cats to their feet and walk around like that, they would -_-;; )
Great story! But mostly I just wonder what you Googled to get those unattractive pictures. :-)
(Az's Note: I knew who I was looking for. =P )
Loving these new, almost daily updates Az!
I once asked my Japanese friend's family about Ikko. They thought she was beautiful and everything but when I asked if they would want her as a daughter or granddaughter it was a resounding "No." So she's acceptable to them as long as she's not related to them.
Excellent post, had me laughing all lunchtime.
Hey -- great post, and as usual you are hilarious with the recounting of bizarre conversations with your wife. :D But I have to be honest, even if you don't mean to, you come across as homophobic when you're talking about IKKO. :/
Seriously... is it really that bad if a transgendered person checks you out? You won't die (maybe of your own embarrassment... but that's hardly IKKO's fault).
Also, it's best to just say "she" rather than "S/he," as IKKO's gender is something that she's chosen for herself. The latter is pretty disrespectful (and dehumanizing).
(Az's Note: I wasn't bothered by being checked out, so much as I was surprised/intrigued/confused by the wife's reaction.)
I enjoy the gay sex ad in this post
Mr. Anonymous, you should stop with the gay marginalization strategy here. IKKO is S/he. I know it pains you to see people who dont agree with your way of thinking (your opinions are not facts btw) but come on. Dehumanzing? What a joke.
nice post, az. liking how it's more regular now. any chance of working on OP9 again? :)
Just call him a he. Sorry, but ovaries = female and balls = male. I never cared about trannies before, hey it's just appearance right? Until I met one, was accused of being a man myself after it was revealed that he was not a woman, he had a perfectly functioning penis he was born with, and his lesbian relationship was actually with another man. Sorry, but I'm not in your little group of sexually confused assholes.
I CANNOT HELP MAKING THIS RANT EVERY TIME THE SUBJECT OF MALE/FEMALE CONFUSED BEINGS OCCURS. This person came up with all these pity stories before we knew the truth, about how he could never have babies because he "didn't get to choose" his sex (claiming to be a halfling) and they cut his ovaries out at birth (a complete lie, he was born with boy parts, he makes sperms). It makes me so mad... I get grilled by his boyfriend to this day because I refuse to call him "she". Yeah, that's what triggered my loosely related rant.
For the record, I totally want to play with some boobies that aren't mine, and I'm dying to have a boyfriend who's at least bi enough to pretend a bit. I agree with "boyfriend sexing men = awesome; boyfriend sexing any other women = BAD" :P
Insert fifty page dissertation on why you're being disrespectful to (Japan/Women/Shemales/Whatever) and why I hate you because of it
"Also, it's best to just say 'she' rather than 'S/he,' as IKKO's gender is something that she's chosen for herself."
(Or alternately, 'he,' as it is hard fact by dictionary definitions).
busted a gut laughing at that... it's a good thing the wife was with you. Oh, and I should comment that the popup ad that appears on your site today is for gay dating... I prefer the Japancupid one REALLY.
WHAT?! You should totally hit that.
Hahha, kidding.
Well, I can kinda understand your wife's reasoning lol even though it's kinda crazy. I'm sure you do too a little bit, a girl can take her place, but a man can't lol. Even though I can say by reading your posts your pretty loyal.
This was a good post, pretty hilarious. Those pictures too were classic...and what was sad is that I could actually tell who a few of those people were. :D
good god that was funny as hell...
reminds me that one time that me and my cousin went drinking we were heading home all of a sudden
COusin: wow that chick is really hot!
ME:uhh cuz.....
Cousin: i want to tap that!
ME: Uh cuz.... Thats a GUY! WTF is wrong with you!
Cousin:HOly shit you are right what the hell ewwwwwwww nasty..
ME: (laughing my ass off)
"but I can tell when a guy sees a target that registers over 9000 on the "I'd Hit It" scouter. I think I broke IKKO's scouter." LOLOL We SRK'rs are all the same.. But sometimes i think in Predator vision as well.
I watched the video before reading the rest of your comments, and the moment (s)he spoke, the phrase "It's a trap!" popped into my mind.
Thanks for writing more again. :-)
I...am a bit disturbed. Eh, let's face it, Your wife is and perhaps always will be a perv. There I said it.
That was f'ing hilarious--especially the pics! Glad to see you back on your regular schedule Az!
My girlfriend claims I can sleep with anyone I want, as long as she knows about it (i.e. she gets to watch), but any three-way would strictly be a two-guy thing (even thgough she's had a girlfriend in the past). Feh. Girls are weird.
Az, your stories make my day! They have ever since outpost nine.
Oh, and the convo's you have with your wife, brilliant!
Excellent post Az. I'm happy to see you take it in stride.
I think I would probably have the same reaction as you though, flattered but ehhhhh. My reaction on looking at Ikko was: "that boy is far too pretty." See I'm a male interested in males that ... well ... look like MALES. I was pleased that this IKKO was not promoting the typical tranny frosty eye shadows because that would make Japan a very very scary place.
As for your GF, and her being willing to let you cruize around, lots of girls *say* that but it's because it's seen as a sexual object that they aren't comparable to. Trust me, let feelings get shown in any way and she will turn into an evil evil beast.
People, people, people, let the trannies be. Not all of them want operations and some see themselves as differently sexed. It's complicated but it's not that much of an effort to let someone be called what they want and leave it at that. Keep the drama on the stage sweeties.
As for those other pics: cute in an almost shota way o_0, lol ew, eh cute, what a convenient shot c.c
Wow, that post was more gay then I usually let off. *shrugs* Well we're all allowed to "sparkle" now and then. You're awesome Az! Keep it up!
I love Ikko. I'm not sure why. She's just always amused me. Well any of the famous okama in Japan are great. Kaba, Chris-san, etc.
And I understand the letting a guy go off with another guy thing, I dunno it's kinda hot. I think it's the same thing as a guy fantasizing about his girlfriend with another woman.
Hey Az,
This might be more common than you thought. I've long been turned on by the idea of my bf and a hot guy. Think of it as the same way you might fantasize about your wife and a hot girl.
I've long told my bf that he should feel free to indulge with men, and I can do the same with women because I DO find some of them very attractive(Kate Moennig and Angelina Jolie)!
LOL, but like you, my bf has zero interst =)
Hey I'm the same way with my boyfriend. He can have all the gay sex he wants as long as I get some kind of photographic evidence.
Wow...normally, I'd scream and pour bleach into my eyes at this moment, but...IKKO was kind of hot. How is that possible? I'm so confused!
Great to have you posting again. I started to worry a little after you said that your wife would kill you after she found out you posted pics of her (yes, I read everything and looked at all the pics...and I have to say that your old apartment is pretty small).
I think I come up with a new word while reading this. Maybe someone else did too, but I'm the only one sad enough to voice it.
S'he(pronounced Suh-hee) - man or woman of questionable gender.
good god... the Sisko facepalm made me fall out of my chair laughing.
Great story! I read segments of this story to my boyfriendand we were all laughing like idiots. And then I told him, "For the record, NO, IT'S NOT A-OK!", to further hilarity. But yes, I don't agree with your wife at all: my boyfriend having sex with anyone or anything other than me is NOT ok, period. :P
Has this "Ikko" ever done a cover of "You Spin Me 'Round"...? >:)
(Yes, I *do* use jokes twice. Three hits on the same one, tho', is overdoing it. :) )
You should keep a list somewhere. Like, "Weird thing #24782 about Japan: Was checked out by a famous transvestite in public."
Also, I think Icko's scouter broke down a looooong time ago, if you know what I mean.
My Wife (japanese too) totally hit me with the same thing the other day ! I can sex up all the guys i want. I want none. I asked her if she'd go with girls ? "Certainly not"
not fun.
also, she keeps showing me those newhalf who get regularly invited on TV shows, and all the time she says something like "do you think this girl is pretty"
i always reply "no, it's a dude"
"how did you guess ?? i thought she was a girl !!"
"it's clearly a dude"
but i guess japanese TV would present a small cat and say it's a very small lion, everybody would go "wao, i thought it was small, but yeah it's definitely a lion ! no doubt possible !"
dont you think ?
As a side note...I really should have had the sound on when I saw the IKKO video on youtube...the voice would have given it away...and it would have saved me about a month of therapy.
I love your post as always.
Also, ppl going to comment 'Gaijin Smash' in every Youtube video link that you post. I think sooner or later the whole Japan gonna know about this blog. What gonna happen then is what I'm waiting for....
You must be having an interesting week.
No posts for nearly two months then four in one month, three during the same week.
Very cool.
Enjoy your extramarital gay sex...
the japs never fail to boggle the mind...
I'm so glad, in a sense, I don't get to Japan anymore. On the other hand, I kinda all the fun stuff...fun for me anyway.
I just remember posting something about dudes dressing up as girls in skimpy clothing in your previous editorial. How creepy is the coincidence that this is now about Ikko?
LOL, I like your wife. Must be a fellow yaoi fan!
I totally get her reasoning on this. Sorry Az, it's a chick thing. Even if you were able to get more blood rerouted to your brain, I don't think you'd be able to get it. :)
That was pretty funny. :D Glad for your latest burst of stories, they bring a bit of cheer to an otherwise annoying life. :D
Also, to people "Well, girls want to see their boyfriends with other guys, but it is the same as the guys who.. " I just want to point something out to them. ^_^ While I have found that most girls I have ever met seem to feel that guy on guy is fine, I have only met one or two guys who jokingly said something about his girlfriend and another girl, or even girl on girl.
That isn't as common, and it is to often used as an excuse for girls who seem like gay guys together. >_<
Anyways, love your stories, and I don't get tired of going through your archives. Thank you, again.
wow, this sounds just like my relationship! Except my boyfriend is nice enough to try...
Much like men towards women who love women, it warms the cockles of my heart to know there are pretty men loving up other pretty men.
Mm. S/he's not bad. I'm not much for transvestites, although drag queens are OK (no, I don't know how that works), but I'd hit that.
Damn, man, judging by the posts here your married life seems to consist of about 85% being dragged to places you don't want to go. Can't your wife do her own damn shopping and fashion showing!?
Now personally, I'd totally be willing to tap ARASHI (saving that picture, thank you), but I'm also female. ;)
Don't you love that you can have a whole conversation about IKKO in Japanese without the need to drop a single pronoun, but you have to come up with some variety of "s/he" for English?
LMAO!!!!!!!!
Hilarious as always. Hey, at least your wife has some good humor about it all :-)
Oh. My. God.
I'm not sleeping tonight. That scared the crap out of me ~.~
I actually thought s/he was a beautiful woman! S/he had nice skin! I liked the lip gloss!
AND THEN IT SPOKE. *cry*
If you ever bang a Japanese guy, make sure to tape it. It'll sell like hotcakes and you can title it 'Gaijin Butt Smash' har har har.