One of these days, I'll learn to take my own advice.
If it were up to me, I would never set foot in a Japanese hospital, ever again. Didn't matter what ailed me, it could be a head cold, or I could be missing an entire limb. Just give me a Band-Aid and some Bufferin and I'll be good to go. And that's not just tough guy talk - I fear that going to a Japanese hospital would put me in a worse state than before I went. If I went for a missing limb, I'd come out with cancer.
Unfortunately, as it turns out my wife is a major worry wart. So whenever the smallest little health concern comes up, her immediate and unwavering response is "you need to go to the hospital!" My fear of contracting the Ebola Virus from a Japanese hospital aside, as I'm unemployed I don't have health insurance at the moment, so a trip to the hospital will set me back about $100. I always find it amazing that my wife, who is usually a penny-pincher in every other way, is so nonchalant when it comes to the hospital...
Me: Say, let's eat out tonight!
Her: We don't have the money for that...
Me: C'mon, we don't have to go to a fancy place, at most $10-15 per person.
Her: If we can afford to spend that, then we should keep it and save it for an emergency.
Me: .....*disgruntled*
Me: .....*sneezes*
Her: Oh no, is that a cold? You should go to the hospital!
Me: I'm fine, I don't need to go.
Her: But you should, just in case! You never know, it could turn into something serious.
Me: I'm fine. And besides that, we don't have money for the hospital.
Her: Sure we do! I'll pay for it! Just go!
Me: .....Can we stop at a nice restaurant on the way?
Her: We don't have the money for that!
If only the hospitals served a nice steak or something...
Anyway, a few weeks ago I developed a painful swollen something-or-the-other on the back of my left leg, just below my ass. It seemed sort of like a spider-bite, but in all honestly I don't know what happened. The wonderful location made it a bit uncomfortable to sit, so after a few days I popped it open and drained as much blood and pus out of it as I could (hope nobody was eating while reading this...). It still remained fairly swollen and painful, so at my wife's urging I went to the hospital to get it looked at (*cash register sound here* there's $100 gone...). If it had been a poisonous spider, I guess it would have been prudent to get the venom drained or something.
I went, but all they really did was further drain the blood and pus. This reduced the swelling, and I felt great...for a day or so. But then the swelling came back with a vengeance. It blistered up even bigger than it was before. Again, at the wife's urging I made another trip to the hospital (*cash register sound* that makes $200...).
Now, with all previous attempts to drain it having failed, the Japanese doctor turned to the next logical step - to just remove the whole damn thing.
At the time, I didn't know what was going on. Again, remember that this wonderful little bundle of despair and death was located on the back of my leg, just under my ass. I'm pretty sure that this is an area of my body I've never, ever seen in my life. What occasion would I have to want to look back there? I felt a sharp, piercing pain at first, which I assumed to be just cutting open a hole for more drainage, but after that it didn't really hurt at all. Afterwards, the doctor used a laser to "seal the hole" as she put it, and at the time I recalled smelling a distinct smoky barbecue smell. Like baby back ribs or a tender sirloin. I know now that that was my own flesh.
And no, I don't know why I'm apparently so delicious. Good news - if any of you happen to be trapped with me in some sort of desperate, life-threatening situation - say stranded on a freezing mountain or stuck in the desert with no sign of civilization in sight - and you're forced to do the unthinkable, the in-human act of actually eating me to stay alive - well, at least you will be in for a good meal.
After the doctor finished up, the nurse - a cute young Japanese girl (aren't they always?) began explaining the details of the situation to me. "Now, you have a hole in your leg..." she says, and tries to show me with her hands the size of the hole. However, just one hand is insufficient, so she has to use both hands to illustrate the size of the new crater in my leg. "Because of the difficult location, you're going to have to have your wife take care of disinfecting it and applying gauze daily."
I'm not sure why, perhaps they slipped me some wicked painkillers when I wasn't looking or something, but the nurse's explanation didn't really register with me. Even when they slapped a diaper-sized grip of gauze on my leg, I didn't really think anything major had happened back there. More than anything, I was kinda hungry for some juicy prime rib.
Later that night, I was having my wife take care of the wound as instructed. She removed the gauze...and nearly fainted. "Have you seen what your leg looks like?" she asks, while trying to resist the urge to vomit. Why no, that particular area of real estate just happens to be outside the area of my brain's Google Maps. She gets me a mirror, and for the first time I'm allowed to see for myself what's going on back there.
It really was a hole in my leg.
It was roughly the size of one of those small Haagen-Daas ice cream containers. For those who lack perspective, let me put it this way - upon seeing this chasm in my leg, I could clearly picture the Roadrunner and Wil E. Coyote running down my ass, with the Roadrunner stopping abruptly before the hole and Wil E. running past it. Wil E. stops, defies gravity for a few moments as he realizes he's no longer on terra firma, silently holds up a sign illustrating just how fucked he is, then drops down the hole for a few seconds, complete with the "THUD!" and small puff of smoke at the bottom.
Literally, it was a hole in the back of my leg.
"Is this something doctors are supposed to do?!" The wife asks, shocked. I too am a little taken aback my having a new Grand Canyon carved out below my ass, so when the wife insists I go to a late-night emergency room (*cash register sound* $300...), I don't put up a fight.
We arrived a little after 3AM. Luckily, there weren't too many people there, so I was seen fairly quickly. The on-call doctor was a young guy who looked like he was fresh out of med school. The wife explained the situation, and upon showing him the leg his response was "Yup...that's a hole all right."
Thank you, Detective Holmes.
Remember back in the Octopus entry when I said that doctors in Japan only specialize in one part of the body, and are completely ignorant about every other part? Well, I dunno what this guy specialized in, but apparently holes in the back on one's ass was not it. He looked at it and commented on how beautifully it had been lasered-off, but couldn't really offer an opinion as to whether or not this was a viable treatment. Luckily though, the doctor who did specialize in holes in the ass - or whatever it is that you need to specialize in for this - had just arrived at the hospital and was on duty. He called her over to look at my leg, and her reaction was very, very casual. "What, this? Oh, this is a very common treatment procedure! This is completely fine." Her tone was as if to say "Why did you even bother coming in here at 3 in the morning for?"
Well, if I cannot go to the hospital for a gaping hole in my leg...then what can I go for?
The hole has since mostly healed (the human body really is something, isn't it?); its mostly filled in and doesn't hurt at all anymore. It will probably leave a decent scar though, which will serve as a constant reminder to never trust Japanese doctors, and what started out as a simple insect bite may eventually turn into a hole in your leg and a $300 hole in the bankbook.
If only I could see it.
Thank you for your continued support and donations! It is very much appreciated and of a tremendous help to me!
If anyone has any suggestions for a donation drive, I would love to hear them. ...Anything except The Octopus, I'm not putting a price tag on that.
For donations, please paypal to azrael@outpostnine.com. There is also a direct link on the Outpost Nine homepage.
First!?
Also, jeez, I kinda wanna see a picture now. :( I must google image search seared flesh holes to appease this curiosity! Hope you're well!
OMFG! Az, I want pics of this even more badly than I wanted to see your wedding photo's.
If I have to donate for this too, I will!
now, that entry made me uncomfortable...
There's another thing you should know about forbiden places in japan.
Don't get involved with the police. I think you kinda dont want to get involved with the police, anywhere, but this is particulary true in japan. Above all if you're a black gaijin, because everybody knows that black guys steal bike and ape woman, so we won't even bother make an investigation and put you in jail for 3 whole weeks.
Mmm...laser charred, smoky barbecue Az...
You probably had a boil which was lanced by the doctor.
1) Let's see how many people notice the irony of how all comments have to pass through a site by name of "festeringass".... >:)
2) Look at it this way -- finally a Japanese person does something to your ass which does *NOT* involve jamming fingers into it.... >;)
if it healed, then i'm not sure i see what the big deal is
I've had that laser doodad also. Thing is when the doctor removed the bump he didn't slice it off, he bent the razor and scooped the sumbitch out. Apart from constant changing of dressings though it was alright.
First time post, loong time big fan. Holy flesh seared black man Batman! That really puts 7 unsuccessful blood removal attempts in perspective, so thanks for cheering me up with that Az!
Az was it really an insect bite?
i would pay to hear wat exactly it was that the slut (the girl who gave u the octopus) did that made u hate her so much
I second that in this second comment. Donation drive for a picture of the hole in the leg! Hey... it's not The Octopus...
Good to hear you're all right though. I... I wish to never experience that myself...
Hmm, the way you describe it, it sounds like a boil (which is a staph infection, but a common, typically harmless one, of a pore, hair folicle or tiny wound, etc.) or a nodule (whatever the heck that is--most people, including doctors, mistakenly call them cysts, but cysts don't form heads nor pop).
At worst, it could have been a MRSA boil (yeah, that would have meant antibiotics). Boils typically drain within about 2 weeks, for future reference. And poisonous spider bites typically change color (which may not be as obvious on dark skin, come to think of it).
Sucks that you had to pay all that freaking money out your ass though. Erm, no pun intended. And the scar. Yikes.
$300? Do you not have health insurance?
If you really want to raise money, you could threaten to post pictures of the hole unless people paid up!
What, no pictures?
>First!?
>
>Also, jeez, I kinda wanna see a picture now. :( I
>must google image search seared flesh holes to
>appease this curiosity! Hope you're well!
No, you don't. You really don't.
When you have a friggin' hole in your body, it is uncomfortable to say the least. Try standing for an entire day because it hurts to sit down. Most people will be begging for a chair within a few hours.
I've had one or two rashes (mostly due to sweat from exercising) over the years in sensitive areas. I'm lucky that I haven't had to have any of them cut out and seared closed with a laser.
Lastly, Az... you post a story about a gaping hole slightly below your butt cheek and then end the post with:
>If anyone has any suggestions for a donation
>drive, I would love to hear them. ...Anything
>except The Octopus, I'm not putting a price tag
>on that.
You do realize that you're going to be flooded with requests for a picture of this... other hole in your butt? d:
I would agree in your thinking that hospitals are not a good place to go unless you HAVE to. Ever heard of nosocomial infections?
I really dont get Japanese hospitals.
The othery day they refused to treat my friend's broken ankle because ...wait for it...She wasn't crying.
So they didn't treat her until she, herself showed them that her ankle was twice its natrual size.
Ah c'mon Az, every man has his price right?
This technique is FAMOUS, after all.
Well, Octopi aside, have a merry Christmas, and good luck with everything for the new year.
If you ask me, I think you might have contracted a boil. Have you been eating healthy foods lately? :o
Your blogs continue to give me joy. You should try organizing them into a book. I'd buy the hardcover.
dude i share ur pain. i get boils(?) and infected lymph glands and all kinds of lovely pus filled lumps. regularly. my immune system is screwed. but no one can accurately diagnose why. anyway, i now treat these myself, cos my first dr in osaka cut into me with a scalpel...twice... without any anaesthetic or anything. just a ｢gaman shite kudasai｣ - please try and bear the pain. arm was one thing, but my face?!?!? and at that time, no insurance, about $300+ followups... but i had to go back every 2-3 days to change the gauze =poke around in the hole to make sure its clean. fun, i tell you. but i never got a lazer. you win!
dude i share ur pain. i get boils(?) and infected lymph glands and all kinds of lovely pus filled lumps. regularly. my immune system is screwed. but no one can accurately diagnose why. anyway, i now treat these myself, cos my first dr in osaka cut into me with a scalpel...twice... without any anaesthetic or anything. just a ｢gaman shite kudasai｣ - please try and bear the pain. arm was one thing, but my face?!?!? and at that time, no insurance, about $300+ followups... but i had to go back every 2-3 days to change the gauze =poke around in the hole to make sure its clean. fun, i tell you. but i never got a lazer. you win!
dude i share ur pain. i get boils(?) and infected lymph glands and all kinds of lovely pus filled lumps. regularly. my immune system is screwed. but no one can accurately diagnose why. anyway, i now treat these myself, cos my first dr in osaka cut into me with a scalpel...twice... without any anaesthetic or anything. just a ｢gaman shite kudasai｣ - please try and bear the pain. arm was one thing, but my face?!?!? and at that time, no insurance, about $300+ followups... but i had to go back every 2-3 days to change the gauze =poke around in the hole to make sure its clean. fun, i tell you. but i never got a lazer. you win!
atleast your ass is healed now, hows the job hunt btw?
Yeah..that's the beauty of Japan. The ability to become a doctor has more to do with being able to buy your job rather than actually having any knowledge.
On the bright side, this may at least have reduced your wife's faith in the health care system. Whenever you move back to the US she's going to be shocked and amazed in regards to American doctors.
Whoa, second. Anyway...
... How deep was the hole? That sounds like it would hurt a lot. And for an insect bite? Did they even tell you what it is in the first place?
Wow that's pretty crazy man, and sorta amusing too, haha. Your entries never fail to make me laugh.
Oh, jeez! That's terrible!
The last time I went to a hospital in Japan, they were pretty good to me, but granted my reason was a badly sprained ankle and I was able to keep an eye on what they were doing at all times.
Even so, they wrapped it in a wet towel and put electricity through it, so clearly there's something a little strange about the way the Japanese do medicine.
Keep it up! Perhaps you could offer to give Japanese language lessons at certain donation levels. Just focus on a particular word or phrase or something, and provide anecdotes or whatever. You know. You're good at that sort of thing.
Dare I say "second?"
You know, I once had a pilonidal abscess (basically an infection under the skin right at the top of the butt cleft). Removing it in a similar way is actually a valid treatment, so despite the absurdity of having a huge crater in your ass it may not have been that uncalled for. :P
A Hagen-Daz container!?!?! Jesus-H-Ass-Carving-Christ! Note to self: follow Az's advice and never step into a Japanese hospital. People have had larger cancers removed with less damage. Holy crap...
Sounds like a spider bite. Totally want to see a picture. I had one, I think it was a spider, up on my eyebrow earlier this year. Swoll up nasty. Fine Japanese doctors cut me, drained and gave me some good antibiotics. No pain meds though, the bastards.
My pics of the eye monstrosity here - http://relaxedfocus.blogspot.com/2008/05/another-gruesome-eye-photo.html
and here - http://relaxedfocus.blogspot.com/2008/05/you-cannot-in-fact-do-whatever-spider.html
I think what you got is a carbuncle. The same thing happened to me last October and yeah it looked like an insect bite at first. I thought it's going to heal by itself so I let it be for a couple of weeks. It got worse. Fortunately though we have good doctors here in the Philippines, so the doctor operated on it but no lasers involved. There was a hole but it healed and yes it will leave a nasty scar. =(
Just a warning though. Don't google for images of carbuncle or any other skin diseases. It left me sleepless for a couple of nights.
Dude, it could be worse... you could be going to an American hospital with no insurance, and some of them aren't much better. I recently had food poisoning and my folks freaked out and insisted I go to the hospital because I was dehydrated. The vomiting/diarrhea had stopped completely by the time we went, and all the doctors did was put some fluid in me intravenously. That fun little jaunt set me back over $1,000 because that level of deductible (as a generally healthy young man) seemed reasonable.
$100 a pop doesn't sound so bad by comparison.
Well I know someone here in Holland who had a similar pocedure aswell... There was this bump on her leg, hospital cut it open, put a gauze in it and she had to stay overnight. When she got home she had to pull out the gauze (yes it was litterally in the hole), and I had to throw the gauze into the trash bin... I will NEVER forget that horrible smell anymore...
So well, it might just be that you wouldn't want to go to the hospital here aswell...
Why not do some editorials on how you first got interested in Japan? You know, talk about your young, naive years in high school/college that inspired you to move across the ocean and work in Japan for 3+ years. Sort of a prequel to the I Am A Japanese School Teacher eds.
And the doctor did not give you any ass medicine?
Suppository medicine is supposed to cure all ailments.
Obviously not America... where were the antibiotics?
Just like a spider bite?! How often does this happen to you?
My guess would be a Staph-infection, treatable with some common antibiotics :-)
You think you taste delicious? By the sounds of it, you're living in a cannibal's paradise. Not very hairy, not very salty, not much muscle. Delicious!
http://www.bild.de/BILD/news/bild-english/world-news/2008/12/12/cannibals-in-papua-new-guinea/japanese-taste-best-whites-are-too-salty.html
As a donation drive, I suggest we save up for a video of of you cooking and consuming a real live Japanese person.
Ouch, sounds to me like you had yourself one nasty abscess. Ick. I had one of those a few years ago and it became so infected I alomst died from it. so yeah your wife was absolutely corect in making you go to the hospital, and yes I had a big ass hole in my groin after treatment as well. it healed up so it's all good. I'm just glad your abscess didn't become infected like mine did. Put me out of action for two weeks, plus another two weeks at work on half days.
Az,
Can you imagine the money you could make if you DID put the Octopus on here? Reconsider man, this could make you a millionaire!
All kidding aside, thanks for the posts! They keep me sane at work. You are truly a talented and entertaining person, and I look forward to more!
You could do a donation drive for pics of that particular chunk of Az-land :-p.
It sounds like a sist that'd gone septic or close to it. I've had one myself, but on my sholder blade, it ruptured and soaked the whole back of my shirt in blood before I'd go to the doctor for it. On the up side I was in Iowa at the time, not Japan lol. They didn't laser mine though they packed it with whick gauz and had me change it every day (sounds like what they should have done the first time they drained it for you). You'll always have the scar though, my sholder still looks like it's been shot through after about 8 years.
As a previous poster stated, you probably had a carbuncle. They are skin infections that can get pretty bad if not taken care of. Sadly, the doctor you went to probably didn't know what they were doing, so they took out a lot more than they should have. On the off chance that the infection comes back go to a plastic surgeon. They'll be more careful about draining and suturing the wound so as to minimized the scarring and inconvenience.
well Az just remember to never get that stuff on the important parts of the body.
damn Az!! I had this big ass bite for over 8months...its been nearly a year and its slowly VERY slowly but surely sinking away...The body learns to handle these things ;)..
. . . Then again I had this weird bump/blood clot thingn come up out of no where and freaked me out so much i cut the lil sucker off and the hole filled it.
So gotta do whatcha gotta do eh?
Hope you can sit without fear soon <3
Pics or it didn't happen...
Might have been a Pilonidal cyst from all the sitting. My dad got them when he as driving a truck.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilonidal_cyst
When they lanced his, they packed it with gauze. He only had like a two inch incision, but there was about eight feet of gauze packed in it. No kidding. And it drained enough that he had to wear a maxi pad on his ass.