Yes, despite reports to the contrary, I was not dead these past two months. No, rather, the next best thing - I've been working like a Japanese salaryman. Not that I'm putting in long hours anymore, but I no longer have the time to write articles in secret at my desk. I don't always have the luxury to do them at home either. I'd been thinking "Man, I really want to update the site!", but a whole week would go by without me being able to do anything, and the next thing I knew it was a whole two months. Man, time flies.
So, as it seems people are curious, just a few updates as to what's been going on lately. And no, the title of this piece has nothing to do with anything computer related.
***
Yes, I am actually married now.
"But wait," many of your are saying, "didn't you say September?" Yes, yes I did. Funny, that. You see, more or less the instant I proposed to my girlfriend...well, wife now, in her mind we were already married. The rest is just formalities. In my head I'd had a one or two year engagement in mind. She wanted to go ahead and get married in May. I managed to talk her into September. But sometime around January, she said we should go ahead and submit the official paperwork for the actual marriage. ...There really wasn't anything I could say otherwise.
Her: Let's go ahead and put the paperwork in now.
Me: Why rush? We've still got time.
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I didn't say that. I mean, the actual ceremony won't be until September, so the paperwork can wait, can't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: No, I mean, its okay to take our time with the paperwork, isn't it?
Her: So...you don't want to marry me?
Me: ....What I meant to say was, we should go ahead and submit the paperwork now.
Her: ^_^
So yes, legally we are all married and stuff. The wedding ceremony though is still set for September. Wedding plans...so far with the event still quite a few months away, there isn't much do to. Right now the big thing is saving money. I'm having to put back pretty much the majority of my paycheck that isn't devoted to bills, and even then I'm not sure I'll be able to save enough. So yes, I am still looking for ways to whore myself out for a few extra yen. And failing that, if nothing else presents itself, I suppose I could teach English. But that's only if the whoring plans never pan out. I have been looking for part-time work, but both the wife and my mother are opposed to the idea for the potential strain it might put on the relationship...so I'm not sure what to do in that regard yet.
Planning-wise though, we did go to get fitting for a dress and tuxedo. The wife wanted me to help her pick the dress, and I told her I simply didn't want to see her in it, or the dress itself, until the actual ceremony. I'm guessing the whole "don't see the bride before the wedding" thing doesn't really exist in Japan, as I had to explain this to the fitters as well.
They tried to provide a tux for me, but the only ones they had that would "fit" me were ridiculously huge - I looked like a 7 year old kid trying to wear his dad's clothes. Even then, the sleeves and pant legs were a bit short. The fitter meekishly explains - "Well, I just took one look at him (me) and thought I'm gonna need to bring out the biggest size we've got..." So, if I were a foot shorter and 400 pounds, I could still get married in Japan, but apparently no one figured that tall and reasonably not fat guys would be getting hitched. ...What the hell? Again, I am convinced that Godzilla was conceived when a foreigner came to this country for the first time. So I may have to import a tux from America. Not really sure how that's going to work at this point...but we'll see I guess.
***
I mentioned in an editorial a while ago the status of some people from stories past. Many people were disappointed that I hadn't included anything about Moeko. Well then, I shall do so now - she's doing fine, going into her third year of high school (man, how time flies...). Still studying hard, and worrying about the college entrance exams she's going to have to take this year.
***
My Train Crew has changed a bit.
First, Misty is gone. I don't know what happened to her - perhaps she got a new job, and doesn't ride this train anymore. Or maybe she rides at an earlier/later time. Maybe she's not working at all. Maybe she moved all-together. I have no idea. All I can really do is wish her well wherever she is, and continue to dream of the hot sweaty gorilla-in-the-mist sex we might have had one day.
Tats is still around. Since its been winter she's been wearing coats, and I haven't seen her chest tattoo at all. The weather is changing though, so hopefully she'll go back to the tank tops and I can continue trying to figure out what's inked on her chest. ...She still stares at me quite a bit though.
There was a stretch where I didn't see Massive Melon Tits at all. Then one day after a long absence, she got on the train, but had a pretty deep tan. I didn't see her again for another while, but then today actually, she got on the train...wearing a business suit. So from what I can figure, MMT was a college student (which accounts for the irregular schedule at which she rode the train). After graduating, or maybe a bit before, she decided to take a trip somewhere...maybe/probably Australia given the fact that she tanned over the winter. She came back, took another break, and then today started her new company job. ...Does this count as some form of weird train stalking? What, I'm just curious. For any of your Australian readers, I suppose there's a chance you ran into MMT somewhere along the way, and any male Aussies here may actually have, I dunno, porked her. If you did, I hate you. Mail me with details.
At any rate, Magical Motor Mouth is also gone, which fills my soul with joy. And Massive Melon Tits 2 does still occasionally wear the Piccolo shoes.
Okay, new players. There's a guy who I'd noticed catching the train at the same spot I did everyday. He wasn't special at first, until I noticed a few months into winter that he was wearing one of those white surgical masks...everyday.* I know he was sick at one point (I thought he was going to hack his lungs out right there on the train), but everyday? Either this was one hell of a flu, or he was just really paranoid about germs. I have named him Sub-Zero, because of the mask. Yes, given all the people in history/entertainment who have adorned masks...I don't know why I choose Sub-Zero. My own nicknames don't make sense to even me sometimes.
*Yes, Japanese people do wear white face masks when they are sick/want to avoid getting sick. I'm tempted to link this and the way guys here prefer women really young into a Michael Jackson joke, but I'm 99% certain I've done that one before.
I'm trying to start a 7 Dwarves-esque collection. So far I have three - Skinny, Shorty, and Brandy. Skinny is just a girl who is, as her name suggests, really really thin. Not that this is rare in Japan...but Skinny has a big nose, so the combination amuses me. ...Hey, it's 7 in the freakin morning, I have to take my amusement wherever I can get it. Shorty is short, maybe around half my height. Her special feature is a rather prolific forehead. She actually reminds me a lot of Ms. Forehead, the two look a lot alike. Brandy is a woman who is always dressed business-smart. I can't help but to notice her name-brand bags - Hermes, Prada, Louis Vitton. Thus the name Brandy. Brandy's also quite attractive, but any would-be perverted thoughts are dashed away as I look at her bags and realize that a romp with her would probably cost me a small mint.
And finally, a woman who I can only describe as the messiest human being on the planet. I'd swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd say she was homeless. She has a random collection of knit caps, in the winter she would bundle up with a scarf, gloves, and a coat - and none of these things ever matched each other. Her hair is always a mess. Her shoes also manage to not match anything she's wearing, even in the least. It's not uncommon for one pant leg to be rolled up a little higher than the other. Sometimes she wears headphones, which are like twice the size of her actual head. She looks like a Salvation Army vomited all over her. Thus, I have named her Wreck-Gar, after the Junkion race in Transformers, because I swear to God, that's what she looks like. Its a little depressing to have gone from Misty to Wreck-Gar, but such is life I guess. ...And to fend off any potential questions, no, I wouldn't have messy uncoordinated sex with her.
***
I found out my high school 10 year reunion is coming up in June...wow, it's been 10 years? To me, reunions are really only something you go to to brag to all the people you hated about how successful you are. Well, I'm not that successful, and I didn't particularly hate anyone (extreme apathy is a better word here), so I guess its not important, but I am curious to see what everyone is up to. Unfortunately, unless I swim back to California, no real funds for that.
Thanks to the magic (or curse) of networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, I do already have an idea what most of them are up to. It was funny, I was telling the wife that most Americans don't rush to have kids so soon, that we like to wait until the latter half of the 20's/early 30's or so. I think the very next day, I was showing her some of my old HS classmates on Facebook and MySpace, and I was surprised to find the majority of them already married, and with one or more kids. WTF? Why are people my age already married with kids? How'd that happen? The wife gives me a an extra-bloated "Ha! Told you so!" ...Bastards.
This didn't really help me, as the wife, now with the legal marriage under her belt, is in full BABY MODE. Like, if I told her I wanted to get to work on siblings right now, she'd happily say yes, dive on the bed, and tell me to get to work. I must admit, I do find the urges of fatherhood tempting (the sooner the child is born, the sooner I can send him/her off to the entertainment world and start collecting my commission fee...), however, I still feel its a bit early. I've talked her into waiting until the actual wedding ceremony at least. Her response to this was "Well then, shall we get to work on baby making on our wedding night?"
...Remember, gentlemen, when I told you that Asian women moved at breakneck, ludicrous speeds when it comes to marriage and babies? Did you think I was joking?
I don't feel ready for fatherhood yet (does anyone really ever feel ready?), but I'm not sure how long I can hold her off. I don't have to worry about her punching holes in condoms or putting me in a Ric Flair leg lock just as I hit the peak of our throws of passion - she says that would be a terrible way to bring a child into the world. But as you can see, she can be very persuasive in other ways...
Her: C'mon sweetie, give me your Jesus Gel.
Me: Now? I mean, can't the baby wait for another year or two?
Her: ...So, you don't love me and don't want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?
Me: ...........Shit.
Which means that from now on, unless I become a Hokage-level master of the Pull Out-No-Jutsu, in just a few months time you may be reading Gaijin Smash: Azrael Vs Parenthood.
And if that isn't a sobering thought, then I don't know what is.
I love your blog. I've been reading it for a year, now. I sure wish I had a picture of you and your wife, I would love to show it to my girl, we just finished the legal paperwork for our marriage, too and we intend to hold the formal ceremony later.
We're similar in some ways. I am tall and dark for most Indian's too, and I am an English accent trainer. My girl is a rather short, cute girl from North-East India, of East-Asian descent.
Congrats Az... can we expect any details of the wedding and/or pics come September? ;)
Colonel Az, make ready for ludicrous speed! What sort of father do you think you'd make: Jack Bauer, Steve Martin (in Parenthood) or Eugene Levy? :p
Nice to hear from you again Az! :-) Thanks for the great writting.
Phew, and here I was afraid the Scienmotologistseses had enslaved your mind. =O
Congrats on legal marriage, Az!
Congrats on the "marriage." Just doesn't seem right until you've had the fancy day I do admit.
Living in Australia, it's very possible that I saw MMT. However, also living in Australia means that the diet for most of the Japanese women over here all have large bazoongas. It's like gangstas paradise - coolio, yet, less ass and more titties.
Hey, are you still allowed to make lewd comments on the Intarweb? ;-) Congrats man, and good luck.
Nice seeing an update! I always enjoy your writing.
A question - the "Very Lost In Translation" entry doesn't work for me, is there a problem?
Thanks! And I hope to see more updates from you :)
fatherhood? man, the end of an era.
Az...I feel your pain. At 30 with now 2 kids (and a wife) I can understand your hesitation. Is it worth it? Hell yes! Is it a huge pain in the ass? Hell yes! Will your life ever be the same? Hell no! But hey, the baby-making sex is good while it lasts...
What happened was after the older generation just found out that women really can't just churn out babies in their mid-30s, and many of my comtemporaries are now adopting, doing $15000 fertility treatments and so forth, perhaps your friends realized 20-somethings can just get pregnant. (I had my first at 25, and most people I knew 10 years older were still "thinking about having kids" or "Trying to have kids" but were unsuccessful.)
You really need a comeback for that "Don't you love me anymore" line :/
Luckily, my gf isn't like that so I don't need to come up with one :p
YES! Glad to see that you are back and posting. You have no idea how much I look forward to catching your blog, especially on a bad day. Hope you continue to find the time to update...and good luck fending off the kids.
Nice to see you updating again. I laughed when you said time was flying by, but then realized I started reading your blog in high school and I'm now finishing my first year of college.
Perhaps MMT went to Hawaii. I'm tempted to say that I saw her, except the rack I was talking to didn't have the deep tan you described. But gee whiz did my girl have some big ass titties...
You poor sucker.
Glad to see you're doing well az, i read your blog all through my stay in japan for a year as an exchange student, it brought some laughs and i could relate to a lot of what you said
good luck with das family and keep updating mate
Interesting read. I soo understand what you're going through.
As for the tux, you may want to consider a custom made one - with internet vendor the prices are very reasonable. And if you're not confortable in taking your own measures, quite a few have people coming in Japan twice or thrice a year.
the lost in translation issue doesn't work for me either
Your mother wanted a girl! Your father wanted a boy - They were both satisfied! ..Woooooo!
-Ric Flair
Hi Az,
I've been reading your insights and adventures in Japan since almost Day One. I was lucky enough to come across Outpost Nine just as you started posting your tales of JET. So, like some others, I've been around for your long, strange journey for years now. I even sent some money once so you could go home to visit your family.
I never posted on Outpost Nine forum but I drop by now and then to read.
I have to say that lately reading about your engagement..and now official marriage..and fatherhood..well..it makes me feel like your the cool cousin I spent summers with and now your all grown up! Does that make sense? Nah..probably not.
Anyway, I wish you all the best and I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing.
I look forward to it.
Oh and as for putting your kid in the entertainment word; just stay away from Johnny's Entertainment. They're cute guys and all..but something seriously not right about that set up. ^-^
THE JESUS GEL MAKES ITS RETURN!
I think sometimes you can forget how iconic you are to a lot of people out here in cyberspace. I'm from california, just outside of sacramento (and yes, I know every dirty variation of the name), and now I live in new orleans. I'm a bit "off" in the head at times, which explains my interest in joining JET. Anyways, a lot of people here look up to you in a way, or might even think of you as a friend even though there's no formal introduction. You've let a lot of people into your life, and sharing stuff like this, really means a lot. Keep goin strong Az.
I guess congratulations are in order, i mean we'll have to wait till September for the big ceremony, but im guessing the missus couldn't
As for the pending fatherhood, maybe its the start of Gaijin Smash: The next generation
i cant wait till Gaijin Smash: Deep Japanese 9
lol
love u az
I totally feel you pain about clothes never fitting, but in the opposite direction. Apparently people who wear a size 0 don't exist if they're under 5'10", or else surely somebody would manufacture clothes for us short tiny people! Anybody? ... *crickets chirping* ... sigh.
Maybe you can send your measurements to your awesome mom and have her ship you a tux? ;)
I also know what you mean about WTF-are-people-my-age-doing-having-babies?!, and I'm only 21! But good luck keeping the bun out of the oven... if avoiding your hot sex-crazed wife can ever be considered a good thing... ;)
Much love,
-Navi
You know, none of my friends I've stayed in close contact with have kids yet. Nor are they married. I had a 2 1/2 year engagement to my husband and it drove me nuts waiting for him to be ready for kids--and then another 18 months of trying before I COULD get pregnant. But suddenly, everywhere I look, women are pregnant--even those with long-term fertility issues. There's super-fertility going around and it's mostly confined over here in the US, but no promises.
And remember, you'll have 10 lunar months to get used to the idea of being a dad once she's actually pregnant. It's not just a "wham bam, *baby crying*" thing ;) Good luck and I hope that you can come to terms with the idea before it becomes a reality.
My 10 year reunion is actually coming up in a couple years, too... um, next year, actually. I doubt I'll go. As you said, Myspace gives me all the real information I'm curious about. Standing around talking with now-strangers really just isn't that exciting.
Maybe if I was Angelina Jolie, I'd feel different. But then, I still don't think I'd care. I'd be too busy being cooler than all of them combined, lol.
And your classmates probably won't know what an internet celebrity you are, especially amongst the bored masses. At least now I won't have to listen to my husband complaining about how long it was taking you to update.
Him: "He has to update! It's not fair!"
Me: "He's probably just busy you know. He IS getting married, after all."
Him: "Do you think he died?"
Me: "No, he's just busy, give the guy a break."
Him: "No! He should be updating! Do you KNOW how long it's been?"
So don't do that to me again, k?
I suppose you're right about the lightspeed. But as for children - dude Azarel, you gotta do it. Japan's birthrates are in the toilet. Do your duty! /salute
Dwarfs*
>_>
I guess I should say congratulations or something now.
Wow, I guess I'm not fulfilling my biological prerogative (31, almost 32, still unmarried. But unemployed, so I guess that helps.) But congrats on the "legal" marriage. Some funny stuff. Have you considered getting a Twitter account tied to this, so you can have those pop up here?
your last two blogs don't work for me.
i look foward to hearing more about your experiences in japan.
Wow, I just realized you're my age. Weird.
Oh, and I've been married for a number of years now and am pregnant with our first kid. Get to work! Or, y'know, wait until September if that kind of thing's important to you.
been reading the blog, and grats on the marriage and everything. All your posts makes for an awesome read. I'm from san francisco too, so fly me in for your wedding! j/k, Mayb you should start a "help az get married donation" thread on srk.
Dude congrats on your 1st wedding! I got married January 13 and I have some pointers for you about the tux: I myself am BIG for Japanese standards (5ft 9in, 190lbs) and finding a tux that fit was too EXPENSIVE. I was blown away! In the end I winded up buying a nice suit at Aoyama (I think thats the name). Everything costs me about \60,000, including the bowtie, shirts and shoes (yes shirts, since for my 2nd party I ditched the bow and wore a regular shirt and tie). And the sweet thing is I can wear the suit again!
Anyways, Im sure bunch of people are giving you advice, and I wish you the best! Keep up the good work here! I hope this helps.
HE LIVES!
2 things:
1) Your 'Lost in Translation' posting is a broken link.
2) The 'sign in' to use a TypeKey identity isn't configured for this site; the error message says I'm supposed to tell you that. :)
What? She wants to get pregnant before the wedding day? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but really, wedding dress fittings! Does she really want to get refitted for her dress four months pregnant? That's a thought that will slow down 99% of the populace. I wish you luck.
WAIT, she's willing to be prego for her wedding?! What the hell, seriously. MMT... your comments on her entertain me so. I'm happy to see you're still living. If you end up going for another job, try something really light. As entertaining as the thought of you working as a Love Hotel cleaner is, you doing something really demanding would put too much of a strain on you.
GO FOR IT! KNOCK HER UP!
lol, keep us posted ;)
Or no reading, taking into considaration, how time-consuming babies are :)
congrats on legal marriage. I am only 30 and i have already been married for 8 years, i do have one child, but she is just under 2. So as you can see my wife and i (she is 4 years older then i am) waited till we were good and ready for children. What worked for me putting it off was the financial issue. Unfortunately you are never totally financially ready for children, but you can be closer then other times. If you have the ring on your finger or are waiting for the ceremony, that is the perfect thing to used against the "don't you love me" phrase. When she throws that one at you, all you need to do is point to the ring and say, "doesn't matter you are chained to me now..hahahaha." good luck man
Congrats on the contract stamping!
As for babies:
Sit her down for a talk and pull out the 'international marriage so cultural differences that we need to work together to overcome, and we both have to ganbatte and take our time to make it work properly' b/sh*t.
We all know that's only partly true, but I guess it's a way of starting to phrase it in a language she'll understand.
And if she doesn't, call the baby after Bob Sapp :D Because you know that will be great.
HA! From the first mention of 'she wants to just get the paperwork out of the way' I knew you were boned. What you were SUPPOSED TO SAY to 'so you don't love me and want to marry me' is 'of course I do baby, but I want our wedding to be magical and perfect, and I just can't help but feel superstitious that getting married before the actual day will take away from its specialness start off our blissful married life off on the wrong foot'
I'll give you some help with the '...So, you don't love me and don't want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?' part though. Your arguments to this should be: 1. I want to enjoy our pure and untarnished love for a while first, because babies make pure and untarnished love kind of tired from not-sleeping. 2. You're making me feel like I'm just a way for you to have babies. Don't you love ME?
3. Appeal to the finances. If you being the sole breadwinner with her laid off is already making it really hard for you to get by, how do you think it's going to be with her not working AND a new baby? Honestly? Tell her you want to make sure that you can afford to give the baby everything it needs and deserves before you have him/her.
I won't be starting my grad program in Kyoto until after the marriage, but I'll be sure call you up when I'm there to get you a drink of your preference in ways of congratulations. Maybe we'll be popping a few back in honour of a newly-born child at that point? ;) As always, best of luck, man :)
The problem with Pull-Out-No-Jutsu is it doesn't work. According to a good friend, who is finally pregnant after [b]two years[/b] work and research, by the time you've shot your wad all the serious ordinance is already down range. It's only the slacker sperm that has to be kicked out the door.
Sorry:p
(Az's Note: Withdrawl does actually work - if done right, it's 96% effective against pregnancy. If done right, that's the kicker, which is why I said I need Hokage-level mastery.
...Don't ask me why I know this. -_- )
What!? Youre going to have a child?!
A JAPANESE child!!!!
FUCK THE TUXEDOS, START TRAINING!!
If youre having a japanese kid you'll need to tune up your kancho sense along with various other senses such as dodging flying toys and food and poop.
Either that or work on your dick dodge with the misses.
Your ten year reunion in June?!? Ohmygod, I'm older than you! I thought it was the other way around! Hu...hu...hu...
To convince her to conceive after the marriage--aside from dress fittings--tell her about the physiological changes that happen to a woman during pregnancy. The type that you can't answer when she asks you if she looks ugly pregnant.
I have an idea, if you cant find a tux, maybe get married in your Legendary Matsuken Samba kimono, that'll make it a memorable wedding
*insert mental image*
Congratulations Az and Mrs. Az!
I wish you both all possible luck in finding a tux. And also for other things...
Yeah, be sure to post some wedding pics! I always try to imagine what you and your wife look like together lol
I've been reading your blog since the old outpost 9 days, thanks for all you've written, it's always great to check here and see a new update!
Yeah, be sure to post some wedding pics! I always try to imagine what you and your wife look like together lol
I've been reading your blog since the old outpost 9 days, thanks for all you've written, it's always great to check here and see a new update!
Congrats on your legal marriage haha
Ive been a reader of yours as of recently and your stories are HILARIOUS. Thanks for the great humor and once again congrats.