February 2008 Archives

Hey all. Nothing new for Gaijin Smash today, but as I did write a new editorial for Outpost Nine, I thought that those of you who are truly bored at work might want to check it out. Keeping Men Happy is what its called, and its the first dating/relationship themed ed I've done in awhile. Check it out if you're interested, and as more interesting (Japan-themed) stuff happens I'll keep GS updated as well.

As OP9 doesn't feature a comments system, I'll leave them activated on this post for those of you who'd like to add your $0.02 to the discussion.

Reading my mailbox lately, again I've been noticing many of the same questions popping up over and over again.

Yes, I do read all my mails. I'm terrible about replying, but if people are taking the time out to write me, the least I can do is read it. I usually think "I'll reply later when I have time", and before I know it six months have elapsed. If it makes you all feel any better, my own mother often complains that I don't answer her emails frequently enough. My own mother!

Anyway, as I'm noticing the same questions popping up over and over, I thought I might like to devote another editorial for a FAQ. Saves everybody time if I answer questions here.

***

I woke up Saturday morning in a hospital bed, vomit stains on my shirt, with my company president and my supervisor standing over me. As I start to sit up, the president stops me - "Don't get up. You're not wearing any pants." I look down, and sure enough, I am naked from the waist down.

And this is a very curious thing. I mean, its one thing to wake up in a hospital bed and have no idea how you got there...but to do so with no pants? How, exactly, does that happen? I was going to have to backtrack a little bit. Today was Saturday...what did I do on Friday night?

That's right...I went out drinking with my co-workers. It wasn't an official company party, but quite a few people ended up going, including our president. We went to a restaurant owned by a neighborhood friend of one of the employees. I'll call this woman...Cindy*. Cindy has a reputation for being quite the drinker around the office, so most of us were kind of bracing for a wild night from her. Also, when she gets drunk, she has a habit of flirting with me heavily, and making all sorts of innuendo towards what would happen between the two of us if I didn't have a girlfriend already. I should point out that Cindy is married; however her husband never seems to come up in the discussions of "I love Az."

*Yes, I know my nicknames are no longer creative. I do not care.

While I'm explaining Cindy, I need to add a word about my supervisor. If you'll recall from the Work Barbecue editorial, this is the same woman who fed me generous amounts of beer and whiskey. She happens to have the same first name as Cindy, so I'll call her Boss Cindy. I find her to be a very, very attractive woman. I think the feeling is somewhat mutual, but for various reasons (not the least of which, my FIANCE) we both hold back. At the restaurant, to accommodate our large group two tables had been moved together. Originally, I sat at one table with both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy, but as the night went on Married Cindy began to make her way down to the other table. This is an important logistics point, so remember it. Also keep in mind that both Boss Cindy and Married Cindy can drink a lot of alcohol.

Aside from Doris, I sit across from another Chinese lady. She's one of those women who is just blissfully ignorant of anything and everything even remotely perverted or not 100% pure of thought. It sort of amazes me - in the case of, say, Ultimate Sweetness*, it's believable because she's so young, so you figure she hasn't been on this Earth long enough to be exposed to the grimy, dirty stuff. This woman though is in her 40's/50's though, so I have to wonder how she managed to live so long and be totally ignorant of these things. Does China lock their women up in basements, only to let them out for marriage and the occasional plastic surgery?

*Speaking of Ultimate Sweetness and perversion, among the ads that rotate on Empornium, one features a girl who, facially, looks very similar to Ultimate Sweetness. Needless to say, every time this ad comes up its more than a bit jarring. Its made especially worse by the fact that said girl is taking a large cock up her ass. ...I realize the potential for gut-busting kancho-related humor here, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's wrong on every conceivable level, and every time I see that ad my dick retreats like the French, and I'm forced to click away to a website featuring the results from the latest Catholic Nun bowling tournament or something.

How innocent is this woman? Well, once around my desk, me and the guys were talking about drink toasts in the different languages. The Korean guy I sit next to, well known as the established pervert (which is an impressive feat to do in a Japanese workplace, let me tell you...) points out that in English, we "ching" our glasses together. Loyal and astute readers may remember my mistake during my schoolteacher days, when I said "ching" to a group of schoolgirls. "Chin" is the shorthand of "chin-chin" or "chinko" in Japan, which means penis. Or, cock. Or dick. Or, meat sausage. Or, tube steak. Take your pick, there's literally hundreds of words to choose from. Anyway, most of the Japanese people in the office kind of chuckle, as the whole "toast in English is penis!" joke is kinda sorta common in Japan.