November 2007 Archives

I didn't think I'd be giving the first entry the Hollywood Treatment, but there have been some new developments.

First, updates on the current players. Today, Massive Melon Tits sits on me. SITS. ON. ME.

When I get on the train, initially there are little to no seats. However, at the next stop, a significant number of people get off the train, which means I can usually grab a seat. Having taken this train for almost a year now, I can recognize exactly who is going to get up, and make it a point to stand near them. Massive Melon Tits gets on the train at the next stop...usually, all the people who got on at my stop take all the now-vacant seats, which means that Massive Melon Tits and her group have to fight over the scraps. Usually, MMT doesn't bother to sit down, just stands by the door.

But today, as I grabbed a seat, there were two empty seats next to me (my Gaijin Perimeter at work?). MMT boards the train with a friend, and with the seats still open, they go to sit down, with MMT next to me. I guess she just miscalculated her ass-to-seat trajectory*, and landed right on me. "Sorry" she briefly says, before sliding down off me, but as the seats are now cramped, she's still kind of riding my thigh a little bit.

Now, most vigorous young men would be quite happy to have a big-titted girl sit on their lap. Certainly, I've paid to go to places where women do exactly that. However, as MMT landed on me this morning, the only thing I could think was "Goddayum! This bitch is heavy!" Remember that MMT is a big girl, even by Western standards. I'm sure her mammaries alone are roughly as heavy as Gary Coleman. My thighs still hurt. It makes me wonder about my other black brethren, who love thick girls with big asses. How do you do it? I'm not speaking metaphorically, I mean, how do you have sex with her on top? I mean, I merely got squashed by a larger than average Japanese girl. Unless she wasn't trying to just sit down, but merely torpedo her ass into the seat, which I kind of doubt unless she's also in training for sumo, or professional wrestling. For the guys who love the girls with asses the size of a Pontiac Solstice, how do you survive a sexual romp without getting bones crushed? Maybe I'm not as black as I thought as was...

*Why are so many girls so bad at sitting down? Why would you ever sit down and NOT check where your ass is going first? How do you continually miss? Honestly, I'm just baffled. Maybe its a gender thing? Perhaps the penis acts as some sort of landing stabilizer, giving the buttcheeks a point of reference and helping to guide it to the correct landing spot?

Massive Melon Tits's friend also gets the honor of being Magical Motor Mouth. This girl would not stop talking! She talked and talked and talked, and even when MMT got off the train, she pulled out her cell phone and continued the conversation by email! Thank GOD Steve Jobs invented the iPod, without mine I dunno what I would have done this morning. At one point I stopped my music to see if the conversation was actually anything interesting (say, for example, how much MMT wants to rub her chest across my face...) but I felt all intelligent brain cells in my body being viciously attacked by a conversation so dull and bland, even C-SPAN would refuse to air it.

I can't help but to wonder how Massive Melon Tits and Magical Motor Mouth came to be friends. MMT speaks softly and carries a big chest, and MMM could bore Ben Stein to death with her super-bland conversations. It seems like a Japanese version of The Odd Couple, instead of two feisty old men we've got two young Japanese girls, and one of them has a chest that should be registered as its own prefecture. Not to mention that MMM is like a fraction of the size of MMT. MMT could literally break this woman like Ivan Drago. And don't think I didn't imagine THAT a few times while MMM kept blabbering on.

I mentioned before that I went to two weddings in Japan last month. It was my first time to go to a wedding in Japan. Actually, come to think of it, it was my first time to go to a wedding, period. I came to Japan right after college, and during college I didn't have any friends who got married. Quite far from it, actually.

Female Friend: So I was at this club the other night, and I met this guy, and we hit it off really well. We ended up going back to his place, and we made out and pretty much did everything except sex, because I'm not a slut y'know? Anyway, do you think he likes me?
Me: Um...no. He's just trying to get into your pants dear.
Female Friend: No, I don't think so, I mean, if he was only after that he would have said so, right? So, I'm gonna go out with him again tomorrow, and maybe this is too soon, but I really think he could be The One.
Me: *slaps forehead in frustration*

Now, if you think that convo is pathetic...well, it is. More so for me, for having been subjected to it. If it counts for anything though, after my Nice Guy Revolution I approached this convo with a much different attitude...

Female Friend: So, like, I was at this party...
Me: And you met this guy, you hit it off, and you ended up at his place making out?
Female Friend: ...OMG! How did you know?
Me: Um, lucky guess.
Female Friend: So, what should I do?
Me: Clearly, it's the start of a new, special relationship. You should have sex with him. Immediately.
Female Friend: You think so?
Me: Yeah. Because we guys aren't able to detach sex from emotions, same as you women! If you have sex with him, surely he'll fall in love with you.
Female Friend: Wow, okay, I'll try that!
Me: Also, before he falls asleep after the sex, you should hurry into the kitchen and make him a sandwich. Preferably ham. Because nothing says "You're The One" more than a post-coitus ham sandwich.

During the later years of college, I surrounded myself with more guy friends. But this didn't exactly improve my chances for attending any weddings. Worsened them, actually...

Guy Friend: So I was in my CS class, and I noticed this cute girl sitting next to me.
Me: Did you talk to her?
Guy Friend: Well, I wanted to, but then I remembered that a new Counter-Strike patch was coming out today, so I had to rush home to download it.
Me: ...Naturally.

Maybe guys with a girlfriend can sympathize with me here - ever have one of your girlfriend's friends get married?

Maybe you're thinking about marriage with your girl, maybe not, but its something you want to do on your own time and be ready for. But then along comes this friend who's getting married. Your girlfriend says she's fine with it, and at first she is, but then the date of the wedding gets closer and closer, and by the time she gets to the ceremony she's a crying, emotional mess. That's one thing, but in meeting all the friends she hasn't seen since God knows how long, they all also reveal their wedding plans to her and then ask "What about you? When are you tying the knot?" She makes an excuse, but the Seeds of Destruction have been planted, and before you know it, she's mad at you for seemingly no reason at all. You ask, you pry, you call Miss Cleo for any psychic tips she might have, and finally it comes out that she thinks she's nothing more than a sexual plaything to you because she's the only one among her friends without solid, definite marriage plans.

So yeah, ever have that happen to you? Sucks, don't it? But see, here is concrete, definitive proof that God doesn't just hate me, he hates me with a fiery burning passion - this happened to me two-fold. That's right, my girlfriend had not just one best friend get married, but her two best friends get married within one week of each other.

Ain't that some shit?

Hey. So I am running a bit late on the second update this week, but it IS coming. Check back in a few hours while I put the finishing touches on it.

In the meantime, if you'd like to get your daily dose of Az that's not necessarily Japan related, I have updated Outpost Nine with a brand new editorial, Monitor Zombies. So why don't you head on over there to check it out? And be sure to check Gaijin Smash later today for a new Japan-themed update as well.

Is this great service or what? ;)

As part of my venture into the adult world, I commute to work everyday, by train. The trains are an immutable part of Japanese culture. America, we're a car culture. We drive to work, we drive to school. We drive to the gym. We drive to go walk somewhere. We drive to one place in order to drive to another place. It's all about you and your car. While there is driving to be had in Japan, the train system is expansive and connected enough that you can go just about anyplace you want to go solely by train.

I've written about the trains before, but its a little different as a commuter. Before, I took the trains primarily on the weekend to head into Kyoto city for a little fun. I usually had my friends or girlfriend with me to help pass the time. Weekend trains also feature families, children, and on the way out of the city on the weekends, drunken puking unruly Japanese people. The entertainment kind of sort of provided itself.

However, as a commuter, the only people on the trains on weekday mornings are salarymen and office ladies, going to sacrifice another chunk of their souls to the company. They're a drab lot, no sort of unruliness, and puking is somewhat rare. Some sort of time-killing activity is needed. Now, since my commute is one hour one way, I figured the best way to spend the time would be to study for the 1-kyuu of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. 2 hours a day every weekday would be 10 hours a week of good kanji study time. Ideally. And, if this were an ideal world, I would be married to Halle Berry, she'd have cooking skills that rivaled the Iron Chef, and a sex drive that rivaled George Michael's.

So most of the time, I pretty much end up asleep. Which is how most other commuters who are fortunate enough to grab a seat end up. Most of us Sleepers have sort of mastered the art of sleeping on the train bench, so you don't see a lot of the sprawled-out, gaping mouth sleeping passengers one might find on the last/first train out of the city. However, the "Don't Drool on Yourself" jutsu is one that's eluded most of us Sleepy Ninjas, myself included.

I sit next to an interesting Chinese lady at work. I don't really have an interesting nickname for her, so I will just call her Doris.

I noticed after a few days that she's very particular about her desk space. If I have papers that just happen to be protruding past the boundaries of my desk and into hers, she will make a big production of pushing the papers back into my territory. Now, I like to be considerate of people's space and all, but I also have a terrible competitive streak, and the way she made such a big deal out of pushing my papers back...well, it was almost like I was being challenged. I made sure that, whenever she was away from her desk, I'd push just a few millimeters of my stuff onto her side.

What was it that Commissioner Gordon warned Batman about in Batman Begins? You always have to worry about escalation, or something like that? How true he was. Soon enough, Doris wasn't content with just pushing my papers back onto my side - she now started to push some of her papers onto my side as well. I also noticed that whenever I left my desk, just a few millimeters of her things would be crossing into my space. Although sometimes she did it all shinobi like, more often than not she was pretty brazen about it.

Doris: *points to the border, then specifically shows me her pushing her things across my side*
Me: ...Oh shit, it's a Chinese Invasion.
Doris: Invasion?
Me: Yep. The Chinese are finally invading America it seems.
Doris: ...That's right. You self-righteous Americans have interfered with Chinese Imperialism for the last time.
Me: I'd better call the embassy then.
Doris: They won't be of much help. Haven't you noticed your surroundings? You're stuck between the Chinese/Japanese border. And Hong Kong is no longer under British rule. You're completely on your own here. (She's referring to the fact that on our "island" of desks, there another Chinese lady, Doris, Me, then I sit in front of a Japanese lady, and then next to her is another Chinese lady from Hong Kong.)
Me: Then, why do you want this American territory? Don't you have enough land mass as is?
Doris: I dunno if you've noticed, but China is currently ONE BILLION strong, and they can't all sleep on the floor. Isn't America just cows and farmland anyway? For every space one cow occupies we can fit 3 generations of a whole Chinese family in there.
Me: And where will the cows go?
Doris: You don't need anymore cows! Eat more rice.

With Doris Atkins making more bold moves into my territory everyday, it became clear that I was going to need an army, or at least a strong ally to defend my territory. But...who would rise to the occasion?