October 2007 Archives

Continuing the look at Japanese society through the things they pay money for.

You know, anytime strange Japanese products come up, someone is bound to ask about the porn, or used-panty vending machines. I've been in Japan for over 4 years now, and in that time I've only see maybe 3-4 porn boxes, and maybe one panty vending machine. Maybe they just don't have these things in Kansai? The times I saw them, I'm pretty sure I was in Tokyo, or at least in that general area.

Maybe I've been here for too long, but I honestly can't say I see what the problem with a porn vending machine is. With the internet these days its sort of unnecessary, but back in the day I would have loved to have had a porn vending machine. Instead of trying to pilfer away Dad's stash (or ask him directly...Lord knows he would have given it to me) I could have just hit up a vending machine and bam, porn. It also saves for awkward interactions at a porn shop. I always feel that it gives away too much of my intimate little details to the random store clerk who has to ring it up. We don't even know each other's names, but now this person knows that I get my rocks off to lesbian porn, giant black cocks on tiny Japanese holes, farm girls, or girls from Dakota who like to eat Klondike bars while using Hello Kitty vibrators (aisle 4, if you're interested...).

Anyway, enough about me and my fetishes. Back to the Japanese.

We sell some weird shit.

They say that you can tell a lot about a country just by looking at the different kinds of weird shit they sell. Actually, no, I just made that up, but it sounds like something "they" would say, doesn't it? And while I'm thinking about it, who are "they" anyway? You know, all those saying that start with "Well, you know what they say..." No, I don't know what they say, and just who the fuck are these mysterious Illuminati "they" motherfuckers who sit around and rattle off mantras for us to live our lives by? BIG BROTHER, GET OUT OF MY PRIVACY!

...Ahem. Anyway, one might say (ah, much better) that you can tell a lot about a country just by some of the weird shit they sell. I certainly hope that isn't the case, because what does America have to offer? Lose-weight-quick gadgets, George Foreman grills, and baseball cards? But in my duties here, I've found a few products that just made me say "Hmmm....." I'd like to share a few of these products with you good folks here today.

Oh, and for those of you who had problems viewing the links before, try going to the main page first.

Let's start with a light appetizer, of course.

The Eyelid Fold Fine - Here's a handy little machine for creating a nice fold in your eyelids. ...Huh? When I originally translated this, I had to triple check to make sure I wasn't making some stupid error somewhere. "It...folds...your eyelids? Huh?"

The Chinese lady I sit next to saw my befuddlement, and asked if there was anything she could help with. I told her I didn't quite understand this product, and she explained that it's for exactly what it says it does - creating a fold in your eyelids. "Of course you don't understand, you're a Westerner, so you have natural, beautiful eyelid folds," she says, "but we Asians don't have that, so we have to have use machines like these to make eyelid folds." I was not aware that having a crease in one's eyelids was considered to be beautiful. On all the parts of a woman I check out, I don't think I've ever gone "man! Check out the eyelid folds on that babe! Hoo-ee!" But okay, sure.

I also would not send ELECTRICAL CURRENTS THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS in order to create an eyelid fold, but hey - different strokes and all that I guess.

Another reason why updates have slowed down lately is that I'm kind of going through a rough period right now. Professionally, romantically, financially, a lot of things are tough at the moment. Even if I did have the time to write something...it wouldn't be very good. I don't want to just throw up any 'ol crap here and call it a day.

I can only assume, that during these down periods of my life, I'm paying in Karma Points for something terrible I did before. I used to theorize that it was something I'd done in a past life...like perhaps I was Napoleon, Mussolini, or Rodney Dangerfield (sorry buddy...still no respect...). I realized recently though that I really only have to look at my time in Japan to see my most horrible and heinous crimes against humanity. And no, I'm not talking about passing through a few train gates without paying. I mean, abusing the power the comes with my big black penis.

I'm not even talking about the time when I nearly cock-slapped an old Japanese woman. That's something that's just special in its own right. I think the only reason I'm alive now is because I didn't give the ol' obasan a chocolate whip-snake to the face. If I had, I imagine The Hand of God would have descended down from the heavens at that very moment, and bug-flicked me right out of existence.

Aside from that incident, there have been other instances of Gaijin Negro Penis Abuse, that I feel that I'm paying for now. Well, they say confession is the first step to absolution, and seeing as there are no immediate confessionals in my immediate area, you all will have to do. Congratulations, you all have now become my personal Catholic priests. Just resist the urge to go out and inappropriately touch any of the altar boys, okay? Let's leave that to the professionals - Republican senators.

...Geez, it's still only the introduction of this post, and is there any group of people I *haven't* managed to piss off yet?

Anyway, forgive me Father(s), for I have sinned.