I live.
Sorry for the lack of updates this past...month? I'd love to give you all some kind of wonderful and awesome excuse as to where I've been. Like, I was recruited by a covert team of ninja samurai, running from the law for war crimes they didn't commit, and we would drive around in our black van as mercenaries for hire for whomever needed us and could find us. Or, after a random chance meeting with Japanese pin-up model Rio Natsume, the two of us ran off on an impulsive trip to the Bahamas, where everyday included wild animal sex, martini's on the beach, and ferocious sudoku competitions. Or, Watson (remember him?) had rounded up 300 of his best Kancho Warriors, and marched them straight up to my residence, where they planned either to violate my ass or die trying - I've spent the past two weeks holed up in my apartment armed only with a nerf gun and a can of 3-year old creamed corn.
I'd love to tell you something like that, but the honest-to-goodness truth is that what's kept me busy these past two weeks has been - life.
The nice thing about JET was that it was sort of like University 1.5. You may or may not have class everyday. If you have class, you may only have 2-3, maybe 4, perhaps 5 or 6 on a busy day. On the times that you don't have class, you pretty much have nothing to do. In university, I would go to the local arcade for some rounds in Street Fighter, find a nice corner of the campus to take a nap in, or if it was the middle of the day, go home and watch Pokemon. ...Don't hate, the first few seasons of Pokemon were good. Prepare for trouble, and make it double, bitches. On JET, I'd hide myself behind the gym and play Gameboy or take a nap, or read a manga at my desk. Life really wasn't that different.
In some ways, JET is easier than university. Work's finished by 4:15 everyday, there's no homework, no cramming for finals or any of that nonsense. And it still comes with the rampant boozing and hookups that college life offers.
...I anticipate that the JET program may get a flood of applicants this year.
Anyway, my point is that since "graduating" from JET, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into the adult world. Long gone are the days when I had time to kill in the middle of the day. I have to wake up early, go to work, actually be productive for hours at a time, then commute home. The boozing has fallen off, and the random hookups are non-existent. Shakespeare couldn't write a better tragedy.
How did this happen? How'd I go from the guy who dodged dick-grabs and kanchos, came home and wasted my life in front of a Playstation, and went out for some drinks and fun on the weekend, to a guy who has duties and responsibilities at work, goes home and gets henpecked because the dishes haven't been washed and the clothes haven't been folded and put away? No sir, I don't like it.
I realize that, to the older audience, I must sound like a whiny child at this point, but give me a moment here - my youth JUST died on me! I'm thinking of holding a memorial service.
Anyway, the point of all that is to try and explain that sometimes, I just don't have the time to get new articles up. I have been trying. There have been a few brief windows where I might have been able to write something, but the attempt was always thwarted. Something that I thought was funny/interesting turned out to not really be interesting at all, and a few times the site interface was down, preventing me from posting anything. Such is life.
I'll do my best to get two new articles up a week. As I've said before, with all the blogs and editorials and fan fictions and just the sheer volume of text being produced on the web, I'm thrilled and thankful that there are quite a few people interested in what I have to say. Just, if you don't hear from me for awhile, realize I'm just buried with adult issue crap, and as soon as I come up for a breather I'll be back.
Now, as this post is too whiny and Linkin Park for my taste, here's some dancing baby alligators.
.....I don't really have dancing baby alligators, and if I did, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with them.
I do have something far more violent and dangerous than alligators though - Japanese schoolgirls.
KYOTANABE, Kyoto -- A police officer was fatally attacked by his 16-year-old daughter with an ax in the predawn hours of Tuesday, police said.The girl, a vocational school student, stands accused of murder. She admitted to the allegations during questioning.
"I attacked him. I hate my father," the girl, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, was quoted as telling investigators. Local police are grilling her over the motives for her crime.
When questioned by police over her actions, she said, "I had been suspicious about my father's relationships with women for several years. I thought I'd give him the guillotine."
Police are continuing to question the girl over her specific motives for the killing.
The victim's boss expressed surprise at the death of the officer, a 45-year-old sergeant. "He was hard-working and was respected by everybody. I never heard of any family problems," said Toshiaki Okano, deputy director of Minami Police Station.
At about 4:40 a.m., rescue workers received an emergency call from a family member of the officer saying he had been attacked on the neck at their home in Kyotanabe.
Alerted by rescue workers, police officers rushed to the home and found the sergeant dead on his bed in his second-floor room with severe cut wounds.
The officer lived with his 41-year-old wife, his 19-year-old daughter and the suspect. (Mainichi)
...An axe! A mother-fuckin' axe! People always say "Japan is so crime free because they don't have guns!" No. Because they don't have guns, you have schoolgirls killing their fathers with axes! I've said before that Japanese girls/women are Hellbringers of Death, and if you don't believe me now, I don't know what else I can do to convince you.
The worst part is that this is right where I live. I could have seen Little Miss Lizzie Borden out on the street somewhere. She could have come to one of my old schools during a sports competition. And you look at some 16 year old Japanese schoolgirl and you think "aw, aint she cute", but you never know when she will come up to you and take you out with AN AX.
I realize now that my schoolteacher job was far, far more hazardous than I could have ever dreamed.
And because Japan is the land of copy-cat behavior...
TATSUNO, Nagano -- A 15-year-old boy was arrested for attacking his father with an ax early Monday, leaving him with severe head injuries, police said.The boy, a third-year junior high school student, was arrested for attempted murder after he turned himself in to police. Investigators are questioning the boy, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, over the motives for his crime.
At about 2 a.m., the boy hit his 44-year-old sleeping father in the head with an ax several times at his home in Tatsuno, local police said. When paramedics arrived at the victim's home, he was bleeding from his head, but was fully conscious. (Mainichi)
This doesn't even make sense. "Hmm, some girl offed her father with an ax. That sounds like a good idea! I think I'll do that too." How does a brain even work that way? I never want to have Japanese children, ever.
The most remarkable thing about this story though is how the guy LIVED through an ax attack. Lived. Through. An. Ax. Attack. I mean, I've always figured that an ax was a weapon for dummies - how can you mess up killing someone armed with an ax? I mean, a gun, yeah, maybe you miss or don't hit anything vital, same for a knife...but an ax? How do you MISS with an ax? You don't, which is why I think this 44-year-old Japanese guy is really Superman in disguise.
And now that you've lived through that...how do you deal with it? "Hey Taro, c'mere - you see this scar? That's where junior tried to kill me with an axe." What is the appropriate punishment for attempted ax murder? Send him to his room without his tofu cakes? Make him stay home from school on Saturday and Sunday? Forbid him from a full week of Pokemon episodes? I can't even imagine being a father trying to decide how to deal with your son who just tried to kill you WITH AN AX.
Yeah, I really don't want to grow up.
Hug him and make him feel more guilt >:3
Just goes to show how strong the human skull is. Hooray! For those of us who live in fear of getting axed. The boy was probably also weak and not used to using it. The girl had a much better idea, attack the neck.
If it makes you feel any better, Az, my mother always says that as long as you can learn to be responsible, you never really have to grow up, and as far as I can tell she's absolutely right. Nothing has to change but your time priorities; just because you have more stuff to do now it doesn't mean you're not still the same guy you used to be. Just make time for the silly stuff as needed.
Aaaaaand he's back!
I knew it coul've only been that dreadful stealer
of fun and sweet idleness - L.I.F.E.
"ahem" "We are here today to mourn the passing of Azs youth. Faithful companion and beloved friend to all. He taught us that any good things must eventually end, and he will be remembered for bringing us countless hours of fun.
What came frome Joy must return to Joy, Hooker to Hooker, Booze to Boozem Hangover to Hangover.
Our prayers are with the one among us, who will be the next to follow him."
Good luck and take care,
Belthasar2
P.S: You only get old and don't have any fun anymore when you think you have to outgrow toys. Says my old teddy bear, sitting on my window ledge.
I think this is my first Comment here... I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your posts (which you hear a lot probably) and will be looking forward to the next time the adult world lets you slip out of their grip for a few minutes ^^
Hey Az,
Great to have you back. I'm a long-time lurker on your site (both old AND new) but a first-time poster.
It's great to actually hear from you. From the look of the comments sections, many people (myself included) were sincerely worried about you. Glad to here that it's only life that's holding up your posts, nothing more serious.
On a side note, I was genuinely surprised to see this post by you and just as I was like "Whoa!" looking at this webpage, my MP3 player started playing "Thunderstruck" by ACDC! Awesome Coincidence.
yay a return? haha well i'm just glad you didn't die lmao
A new post FINALLY!! *continues reading*
Hey your back. :)
Bitch.
You made me use the comment thing for the first
time and now I'm using it again, right now.
:( And now that I've started...
How will I stop?
... :(
Why does a japanese family have an axe!? Is it in case of they want to chop some trees from downtown? (or in case of some famliy member annoys you)
nice to see you back. Did you not work through college or something? I've been working for almost 6 years and I'm only 21 so I think I might be missing out on something. And I agree how do you miss with an axe... i mean all you really have to do is get it maybe 18 inches above the person's head and even if you dropped it you could cause severe damage.
Welcome back Az man!
Hope's all going well in Japan, I will be there soon enough, hope we can meet someday! I'm glad you're writing your blogs still! :D
Glad to see you back !!
So Az, long time no see eh? While reading your new post it hit me that your realization that hit you today will be comming for me soon...thus you just gave me a bleak preview of the future. I would be a kohai of sorts to you. Sigh. Though I currently have a job in which I get shot at....a lot...both at home and overseas...so, I may have a tip to help. As long as you still find things that entertain you in the day then the days can become better. Also, I'll tell you about soemthing that heppened to me that will almost deffinatly make you feel better about your situation. I recently had a minor surgery...on my ass. Apparently shrapnel+ass+time= Royal pain in the ass (literally). End result was that I had two boils (one on each cheek) and one was a size of a coaster! A motherfuckin' coaster! I couldn't sit, sleep or shit for like a week. I sympathize with your kancho pain but with this, nothing else comes close. Moral of the story, never get anything stuck in your ass. That should go without saying anyway, but this is a different matter with the same conclusion. Take care man, and welcome back.
Zero
Glad you're alive. I can speak the that life thing, going through almost the exact same thing (minus live-in gf, so actually less sex). Suck. Good luck and hope you can write more.
Well.
At least we know *your* head's still attached to your shoulders.
Literally.
'"I attacked him. I hate my father," the girl, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, was quoted as telling investigators. Local police are grilling her over the motives for her crime.
When questioned by police over her actions, she said, "I had been suspicious about my father's relationships with women for several years. I thought I'd give him the guillotine."
Police are continuing to question the girl over her specific motives for the killing.'
I don't know if the girl can make it much clearer...
I second what you said about Pokemon.
It was actually watchable up until they decided to add an infinite number of new ones...
Glad to see a new post: I've been checking for one every day since last time.
Welcome back, Az!
I don't think it makes much difference to anybody if this is my first time posting, so I'll just wave cheerfully.
Naaaaah, your youth isn't dead. It's just gone into hiding for a little while. Until then... don't be TOO grown up. ;)
An AXE. *shakes head and walks away*
You're always talking about the ridiculous jail sentences in Japan -- I think this one might take the cake:
"A woman accused of cutting up the body of the former wife of a man she lived with admitted to the charges against her as her trial opened in the Tokyo District Court on Thursday.
The 34-year-old defendant, Tomoko Hitomi, is accused of mutilating the body of 40-year-old Miho Shiga, the former wife of a man she was living with, in Tokyo's Adachi-ku in June.
Public prosecutors branded the crime 'heinous' and demanded that Hitomi be jailed for 18 months. Lawyers argued that she should be given a suspended sentence."
I mean, holy crap! The PROSECUTORS, whose job is to PROSECUTE people, are asking for 18 MONTHS! WTF?
Sooo what I've learned today is Japanese horror films are actually documentaries, right?
Seriously, I'm glad to see you're back!
Youth died, eh?
Coincidentally, I was going to post a funeral service for you in two days, when it would have been a month.
Cheer up. Could be worse. Your gf could kill you with an ax, instead of just henpicking your youth away.
First time poster even though i have read you old and new blog for years. I am so happy you have posted a new one, i got kind of tired looking at the old one. (i use it in a different tab so if my wife comes in and i am looking at something she wouldn't approve of i can always switch real fast, i am so clever)
It would be nice, though, Az, if you would just put a quick note saying you're busy, which should take maybe two minutes? Because how are we to know if something really did happen to you? >.> Yes, your fans worry, silly us.
I really don't know why people think outlawing guns would cut down on murders. There are so many other items people like to use: stones, hands, ropes, pillows, knives, hacksaws. Murderers are ingenious in finding ways to turn items deadly. Especially if they're living in a prison. D;
YOU ARE BACK!!!! I've checked your site everyday for the past month...like it's some kind of drug I can't let go of. Glad to see you've brought me another kilo of high-quality product! I understand about not being able to update though...I havn't had much time for that on my own site as well. However, I have to take exams today and I should be updating my blog but for some odd reason here I am reading yours...
About the child...where is the Japanese do-it-or-die-trying-never-give-up attitude? He only hit him with an axe several times, he should have kept going.
Thank you again for making my Japanese neighbors knock on my door and make sure that I havent had some bizarre seizure or some such from laughing so hard. Its about time you got back! We missed the posts! Trust me, I SO understand about "life" getting to you. Although im sure you know what kind of BS Im dealing with at the moment....maybe Ill get a new job (move to Tokyo and work at one of the abusive maid cafes...lol)
Yeah...I agree...how in the hell do you miss with a freakin AX??? In my area no "fun" AX murders (or attempts) weve just got random people driving into the ocean. Yeah...apparently a few times a year, the annual suicide migration hits Mie, and a few enterprising souls are a bit more thoughtful than the ones who jump in front of the train(delaying things), and just drive into the ocean and kill fish (as well as themselves)...they do it late at night as well, so the abundance of flashing lights seems so out of place.....Welcome to Japan.
i get it. the way the girl killed only took one swing, like a bat at the neck, sideways. but the boy swung his axe overhead like a sword, and that strike is only as strong as the person who does it, and since he's just a 15 year old boy, it took a few swings.
i imagine he cracked the skull, opened a wound and did quite a bit of damage.
that kid's probably sitting in jail thinking "my dad is one tough sonofabitch. i have newfound respect for him, and aren't really sure why i hit him in the first place.
but for the girl's reason:
i think her dad was fuckin' her.
the daughter likes it in the incest manga he reads, but not in real life? who would have thought?
The worst thing (from my point of view) about the first murder is that it resulted in Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai being canceled - pretty much all of the stations that were broadcasting it have dropped it, which means that I may never be able to see the end of the series. And yes, I'm a terrible person.
I feel your pain brotha. Seems like yesterday when I was goofing off and worried about which game system is going to maximize the most of my life. Now it's just the typical wake up early in the mourn (yes, I said mourn), commute, mundane job time 9-5, commute back then just chillax... I've lost all taste in hobbies and home doing stuff around the house is pretty much priority.
Where did the time go?
Well, depends on the kind of axe, it could be too heavy and inaccurate if it's one of the bigger ones.
And the world is filled with copycats. There were many gun/bomb threats after Columbine and V-tech. Not to mention that there were copycat HANGINGS after Suddam was hanged.
If you can't think of anything to funny or interesting to write about, you can just write about your life. You're already a character we like, so boring stuff itsn't necessarly boring.
Is it weird that there are thousands of us out here that think of you like a character in some novel?
The worst thing about this murder was that they cancelled the last episode of "School Days" too. Not just "Higurashi". Even if that girl walks free due to the leniant japanese legal system, there will always be an army of angry otakus after her...
\^-^/ Yaaay! I'm so happy you're back! I think we need a Kampai for that one *pulls out a pack of beer*.
I sympathize with the situation you're going through right now. I used to run a site with my sister which involved weekly posts (usually more than one). It was pretty popular (nothing compared to this though), but after a while, along with everything else in our lives we just had to give it up. It started to get to be too much to handle.
So I appreciate the fact that you'll even try and post when you can. ^-^
T-T Anyway I have to go study for a test now. *la sigh* (university's not always that easy...wish I can go play my ds right not, humph)
"I live."
:looks up in awe: TY God
now let`s read
ooooman im way glad to see you're back. im happy you didnt die!!!
...lol@ax
Jenna,
I think if Az started writing about his daily routine of brushing his teeth, going to the bathroom, having a coffee, etc., there would be no mistaking it- it'd be boring and he would lose a lot of readership. Plus, I don't think he'd like to write those kind of editorials- no writer would.
Besides, that would be creepy. I'd feel like either a crazed cult-fan or a stalker. Or both. o.O;
rei_ichigo,
Don't fuck with my business
Here are articles on "Girl A":
Police officer fatally attacked by teen daughter with an ax
http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/national/news/20070918p2a00m0na006000c.html
and "Boy A":
15-year-old boy arrested for attacking father with ax
http://mdn.mainichi-msn.co.jp/national/news/20070924p2a00m0na009000c.html
and then there's this older article:
Children increasingly attacking, murdering parents in Japan
http://cc.msnscache.com/cache.aspx?q=8346143034884&mkt=ja-JP&lang=ja-JP&FORM=CVRE9
(Sorry if the links are dead shortly, Mainichi Daily News articles tend to vanish rather quickly.)
Is "Girl A" (Japanese news protects the names of young criminals and victims by referring to them like that) the same one I heard about recently that changed into a black dress before killing her father? Or is that another case?
Another interesting Japanese killer child is "Nevada-tan":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nevada-tan
an elementary school girl who used a retractable knife to slit her friend's throat because of messages she posted to the Internet. (Yikes!) She got the nickname "Nevada-tan" because she was wearing a "University of Nevada" hoody in a class photo that was circulated around the Internet. She somehow managed to attain a minor cult status after that.
Scary, though I guess you can find examples of stuff like this all over the world if you look for it.
welcome back Az!
re: ax's
obligatory "NICE BOAT"
Considering some of the events written about here
(the "I hope the Americans are bombing us so I can
have a day off" quip; the first-year teacher who
melted down after someone carved up her slippers;
various ill-mannered kids at the middle school,
and I *don't* mean the Kancho Yakuza), it's a
surprise that *more* Japanese kids aren't going
Amanda-Plummer-on-_Tales-From-The-Crypt_ on their
parents.
As to "losing one's childhood": Be glad you *had*
it -- some folks don't. Or, for the kids mentioned
in the articles, won't....
Glad to see you back, Az, but I honestly knew you were okay. My son was getting worried, but I told him, as you confirm, "He's probably just too busy with work to put anything decent together. He'll be back when he gets a chance to come up for air."
Welcome to the world of adulthood/the working stiff. Just think; if you start putting some money aside now, in 40 years you can retire comfortably! ;)
Ya know, I just found this at Wikipedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaijin_Smash
Eyyyy you're back. Glad to see. I assumed you were too busy with life since your life sounds like it's pretty crazy and hectic. I haven't even been getting much time to check out your updates anyway with school and my new job. It's funny, I got a job to pay for MANY upcoming video games and such yet now I barely get enough time to play them. I guess I sort of expected it though. Glad to see you're back anyway, and look forward to upcoming editorials.
FYI Chikan Sensei - The last episode of "School Days" did air, though I don't know if it aired in all locations where it was originally scheduled to air.
Pokemon. Fuck yes. I love you.
Johto's mountain of non-game fillers (and Orange Islands in general) made me cry.
id like to imagine that when the police showed up to see the man with the ax wounds, the conversation whent a bit like this:
police: so sir, what has happened here tonight
man: well you see my 15 year old son hit me on the head several times with this ax here
police: i see, and where is the boy now
man: i sent him to his room, but i fear that may have been too harsh a punishment
police: yes, that does seem a bit harsh indeed
Please continue this blog, even though you don't feel it is as entertaining as you would like it to be. I'll keep reading until you quit, but I hope that doesn't happen.
I'm sorry, Az. Growing up... Pah. I don't believe in that garbage. I do sympathize, it sounds pretty damn horrific, but quite frankly I'd sooner go crazy than let something like that happen to me. Good to hear from you back though, and to know that you're (kind've) alive. Hope things improve regardless.
In other words, Kohaku, you have a seasonal lemming migration? :D I thought that was mainly in the countries closer to the Arctic Circle?
btw, Az.... nice A-Team reference xD And nice to see you still up and about.
At the rate that pokemon's going, the father might as well lock his son up in a room and force him to watch a week's worth of pokemon (latest season).
Hmm....I'll actually pay to watch you with a couple of Japanese Samurai Ninjas.
"Next week, we'll be showing the fantastic fight between the J-Team vs. the A-Team! Who will prevail, Mr T. or Mr Az?"