Not long after I started my new job, I found out that the company would be moving. Geographically, it was just a few buildings down the street, but it was a much bigger and better office space. As a going-away party of sorts for the old building, it was decided that we would have a yakiniku party the Wednesday before the move, sometime around lunch time.
"Yakiniku" is basically just Japanese for BBQ. You get your own strips of meat, and cook it yourself over an open grill. This is awesome, as you can cook it exactly the way you like it, and then eat it right off the grill. It's especially great for me, because Japan is one of those rare/medium countries, and I am a well-done man.* No matter how much I try to explain that to Japanese steak chefs, they just never get it.
Chef: (personally brings out the steak) I'm so sorry. I know you said "well-done," but I overdid it and this steak has been burned to a crisp. Please forgive me.
Me: Um, sir? This animal is still alive.
Cow: Mooooooooooooo.
*To all of you rare/medium-rare lovers who are just busting at the bit to tell me how I'm "ruining" the "essence" of the steak: fuck you. Well-done steak is the reason why God invented fire. I'm also sure that God put cows on this Earth for us to eat them. Otherwise, he would not have made them so stupid and delicious.
Wednesday eventually rolled around, and at lunch time, we temporarily stopped operations to roll out the grill and copious amounts of beef. That was already a beautiful sight. But there was something else I wasn't quite expecting--buckets upon buckets of alcohol.
Perhaps I should have been expecting it. I mean, this country dances a very fine line between social drinking and alcoholism. It seems like any occasion where people meet and gather must involve large amounts of alcohol. Japanese people will tell you about the "beauty" of cherry blossom viewing, but really all it is is an excuse to get bombed under a tree with pink petals that will only last a week. Back when I was a teacher, any sort of event in the school was almost certainly followed up by a "Job well done!" drinking party. Most of the time, I was never invited. Fuckers.
So perhaps, I should not have been surprised to see the booze come out, but I was. You see, it was Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon to be exact. The plan was to have the BBQ for an hour or two, and then actually go back to work. But with alcohol involved? When Japanese people drink, they usually end up in one of four potential states:
1. Passed out on the street somewhere.
2. Vomiting.
3. Having awkward sex with someone they shouldn't in a love hotel.
4. All of the above.
You'll notice that "effectively working your job" isn't exactly on the list. But hey, who am I to complain? It's beef and beer on a Wednesday afternoon. How fucking awesome is that? It's 2/3rds of my Holy Trinity.*
*Holy Trinity, you may ask? I dunno if I've ever explained this one before. Maybe some other guys will back me up here, but for me, I really only need three things in life to be truly happy--beef, beer, and pussy. If I have these three, life is good. Pretty much everything else is done either in the pursuit of these things, or to help accommodate them. A nice house? A place to keep the beef and beer and pussy. A nice car? A means of getting beef, beer, and pussy. Health insurance? Something that takes care of you when you eat too much beef, drink too much beer, and accidentally fuck a rotten pussy. You get the idea.
Knowing that I was going to have to work, I planned to really only drink 2-3 beers. That would be enough to get the Nice Happy Feeling, and still be coherent enough to be a functioning member of society. That was my plan. But as Hannibal can attest to, plans don't always come together no matter how much you love it when they do. My undoing? Must you even ask? The third part of the Holy Trinity.
One of my bosses is this woman--mid 30s, slender, cute, business professional woman, with a nice figure to boot. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but there's something about seeing a older woman who's still in great shape, neatly tucked into smart business shirts/vests and pants. That shit is like kryptonite to Superman, or crack to Lindsay Lohan.
The thing about this amazing woman is, she drinks like a goddamned horse. The company president warned me early on about her, that she could drink most guys not only under the table, but send them packing to the basement as well. I merely assumed that he was talking about pansy little Japanese guys, who could maybe kick back half a Smirnoff before getting shit-faced and tipsy. I realize now that he was talking about Brave Spartan Warriors. I'd hit my established beer limit, when she comes around holding a plate of beef in one hand and a beer in another. "Have another beer?" She asks. Fuck! All elements of the Holy Trinity stand before me now, and they are more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. There's no way I could have said "no." I couldn't have said "no" to anything coming from that.
Her: Mind if I kancho you?
Me: Be my guest. Please, may I have another?
Three beers quickly turned into four. Four beers turned into...I dunno, 8? I lost count. And whatever I drank, this woman, this older, professional, big-titted, tight-assed, meat-holding Goddess, drank just as much, if not more. I was already starting to feel the alcohol (8+ beers will do that to you), when she comes back around again--"Hey, how about some whiskey?"
This woman is not human.
Of course, I should have turned down the whiskey. I should have. But, you all know how that goes.
Az's Logic: Ok, we're already kinda wasted here, drinking whiskey on top of it is a bad, bad idea.
Az's Penis: Shut the fuck up. Do you SEE this woman? By God, she's hot, and holding meat and beer! It's like, I've died and gone not to Heaven, but to Super Happy Awesome Heaven. Guys, I don't ask much from you, but I NEED this woman.
Az's Heart: Um, hello? Girlfriend back home?
Az's Penis: Yeah. And that's your department. I don't need you for this operation. Anxiety and Conscience, you guys can split too. Tongue, I'm gonna need you to stay and put in overtime.
Az's Anxiety: Oh for crying out...hey Brain, a little help here? Can we get an overrule?
Az's Brain: Absdeck griplock saucepan marmalade fury.
Az's Heart: Um...what?
Az's Anxiety: Shit, I think brain is fried. I hope this isn't permanent.
Az's Penis: Great, Brain's down. So, now I'm in charge.
Az's Anxiety: That's not how the chain of command works and you know it. If Brain becomes incapacitated, Heart's in charge. Heart, what are your orders, Sir?
Az's Heart: Well, we've already had a lot of alcohol, and we do have a girlfriend who is waiting for us back home, so really...
Az's Penis: Imagine this woman, with all the ferocity of a 30 year-old woman's amped up sex drive, riding the absolute shit out of us, while pouring beer all over that ample C/D cup and feeding us well-cooked strips of beef.
Az's Heart: I'm sorry, I skipped for a second there, what was I saying?
Az's Penis: You were going to take that whiskey.
Az's Heart: Ooh, alcohol!
Three or four whiskeys later...yeah, I was fucked up. Though the BBQ didn't "officially" end, most people sort of tried to mosey back to their computers to get some work done. Well, except for one of our computer technicians, who ended up passed out on the veranda (Japanese Drinking State #1). I was supposed to be answering customer support emails. I sat down, trying to clear my head the best I could, and opened up one,
Hi! I'm interested in one of your bras, but I don't know the right size! My bust is 95 cm, and I usually wear a C cup, but I'm not sure of Japanese measurements, so could you please recommend the best size for me? Thanks!
I began to write my response,
Dear Valued Customer,What the fuck do I look like, your personal tailor? Furthermore, I'm a dude, and I don't know jack shit about bras except the fastest way to take them off.
But, your bust is 95cm you say? Maybe I can help you. But I'm gonna need more information. Please send a picture of your naked bust from all possible angles, and after a thorough investigation, I may be able to recommend something to do.
The one brain cell I had left realized that this was a colossally bad idea, and I closed the window before I could write anything else and, perish the thought, actually send it. I opened a page full of nothing but text - The MSTing of "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle"*, and pretended to study it while really, I was trying to keep the little letters from doing the Riverdance across my screen.
*Fan-fiction crossover story between MTV's Daria and Sailor Moon. Yes, it is every bit the Harbinger of Death you think it is, but the MSTing is one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life.
I went home, and passed out, I don't remember much about how I actually got home, I remember getting on the train at least. I passed out there, and didn't wake up until near my stop. It's remarkable to note that I was sitting in the middle of one of the train benches...and no one else was sitting on the bench. This is a feat in itself, but when you consider that it's a *packed* rush hour commuters train...I don't know what I did on the train, if anything, but at that time, I must have spread the largest Gaijin Perimeter in the history of the world. I wonder if it actually physically repelled people? Like, they went to sit down, but the sheer force of my drunken blackness physically knocked them clear across the train car. I only wish I had been coherent enough to see it, or if not, then at least have someone nearby with a video camera.
I got home and passed out again, not waking up until 5AM the next day....And I was still drunk! How much fucking alcohol do you have to consume to stop drinking and wake up 12 hours later and STILL be drunk? Do I even have a liver left? I dragged myself into work like an old sack of potatoes. I meet the Beer and Beef Goddess, and find that this Japanese woman not only drank more than me, but is perfectly fine the next morning. I swear to GOD, she's not human, she can't be.
The best part of the whole day though? I ate my own weight in beef, drank enough alcohol to light the entire Nebraskan plains ON FIRE, and it was all on the company dollar/time. Man, sometimes, I really love this country.
Well done steak, beer and pussy. Holy Trinity indeed. You Sir are a true prophet.
I am now craving a nice steak and beer. If only MY work offered those two, free of charge...
my god, you lucky S.O.B.
Amazing story once again. I love your sense of humor - especially the analogies.
I'm also sure that God put cows on this Earth for us to eat them. Otherwise, he would not have made them so stupid and delicious.
gold, pure gold lmao
can I make a blog thing like yours about russia and america?
I remember you writing about Japanese Salarymen having that Train Sense thing that allows them to be drunk off their gourd and still make their stop a while ago... Maybe you really are becoming Japanese.
Oh, and as far as liking your steak goes I feel the same way. One time I asked for well-done at an American run Hibatchi place and the chef gave it to me and said, "Here you go, beef jerky" to which I replied, quite happily I might add, "Just the way I like it, good and dead."
That's not fair. Free booze and meat on the company dime? Damn. You need a roommate and assistant?
but you didn't get the pussy!
So, wait, this is a MSTing of fanfiction written by an MST fan, so it's like MST fanfiction, but of text instead of a movie. . . why didn't anyone tell me about this earlier. . . I'm sorry, you were saying something about Japan?
Dear God Az!
What have you given me to read!
I haven't read a fanfic MST in years.
and once again Az never fails to disappoint.
Chef: (personally brings out the steak) I'm so sorry. I know you said "well-done", but I overdid it and this steak has been burned to a crisp. Please forgive me.
Me: Um, sir? This animal is still alive.
Cow: Mooooooooooooo.
-----------------
>>I'm also sure that God put cows on this Earth for us to eat them. Otherwise, he would not have made them so stupid and delicious.
-----------------
Although I'm Hindu AND vegetarian, these two had me absolutely in splits. Keep up the great writing Az.
Stupid and tasty is no way to go through life, son. Holy trinity...hrmm. I guess the first prophet of this religion should be Television, maybe?
I prefer beer, meat, and pussy. 'cause sometimes I'd like a nice bucket of classic fried chicken than a steak. Or maybe some nice veal. I really need to eat something. You're a lucky bastard Az.
Hahah the best part about it was the peta advertisment on the side after the beef statement haha gold Az always gold
I'm guessing you didn't get to have awkward sex with the hot 30 year old in a love hotel then? (phase #3)
Although, she probably wasn't all that hot until you had 3 or 4 beers in you, in which case you opened up moreso to the idea.
What, you saying that's just me?
You have glorious good taste in MiSTings. That one is one of the best ever, and it's probably much less brain damaging when read while drunk.
maybe on the train you proceeded to grope everyone in a drunken stupor, or trying to eat their meaty bits.
Well that cheered me up enormously for Friday when so far at work today a lot of shit has hit the fan (don't ask!)... I wish the working conditions here were like that! Mind you, at the first place I ever worked when I was a lot, lot younger, it was routine to hit the pub for lunch and longer, consume mucho pub snacks and chat with the female staff who came along especially this really fit woman about 10 years older than me. Hmmm I think you and I both come from the same cloth Az heh...
As for the steak debate, I usually have mine medium, perhaps medium-rare. But how you should do it really depends on the quality of the meat. Some should be nuclear fried, some deserves to be not so sizzled. I have started to notice my fellow American friends are gradually not always going down the burnt to a crisp route, though hugely cooked fat thick hamburgers on the other hand do seem to gain something extra on the grill from being there a long time...
I'm thinking that envy and hatred are acceptable emotions for me to be feeling here.
I somehow feel the need to point out that MST in French is "Maladie Sexuellement Transmissible", which means STD, for French-impared readers (which should be most of you. French is such a hard language to learn, I'm glad I did it as a toddler, otherwise I'm not sure I'd done it).
And yeah, I usually ask people to cook my beef the way they'd like it, and then 10 minutes more. They think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. If you can see a hint of pinkish brown inside of it when you cut it, it's not cooked well enough for me.
I tend not to eat beef when I'm out. Arguising with French chefs is not something you want to do.
Gaijin perimeter? Lol.
Well you know what they say about Cows... "Cows would live a lot longer if they weren't made of steaks and leather."
Great post Az. Myself being a lover of beer, booze, and women, it touched me in a personal way. I hope people don't view me as some sort of spammer for this, using your blog's "comments" section to promote another writer's website, but it seems appropriate that I mention http://www.edwindecker.com/
Along with Az, Mr. Decker's one of my favorite writers, and there aren't many. In terms of subject matter and style of humor, this "holy trinity" is totally on point with many of Ed's past writings dedicated to the glory of self-indulgence. So if you want to read more similar humor to this post I highly recommend checking it out.
The only way to make that BETTER, is had it been Matsusaka beef. These cows are worth somewhere around $10,000 EACH you know why THESE cows are the tastiest beef in the known world??? Because folks, THESE cows spend their short delicious lives being fed BEER and given massages. Yes. The cows get better treatment than most of the world. Downside is the beef is expensive as sh*t....upside, this is some of the most tender, tasty, amazing meat you will ever taste in life. It MELTS in your mouth..*drools*
That MST was hilarious!!!
I agree...im SO jealous, that has to be one of the BEST days ever.
Ruin the "essence" of steak by cooking it well-done?
No, you're not ruining the "essence" of steak. You're just ruining it, by turning it from something juicy, delicious, and full of one of the most compelling flavors on the planet into a dry, flavorless husk of its once glorious self.
I just hope, for your sake, that you never find out what chefs do to the meals of people who ruin gorgeous steaks by ordering them well-done.
This is the first time something you've posted has offended me. How DARE you eat steak well done? You call yourself an American? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't care how big you are, I would slap you upside your misinformed head if you were here. WELL DONE STEAK? JUST ROB IT OF ALL ITS FLAVOR WHY DON'T YOU? My god.
I'm still going to read this blog, but my opinion of you has fallen greatly, and I'm sure you totally care.
You, sir, have just received your compensation for living in Japan for... how long's it been now? Three years and some-odd months? This is God's repentance for having made you his personal comedy show and after-school special for such a long time. I am jealous, true, but I'm also wondering how many more shenanigans this day has just bought.
haah, Az, you could've just as easily described where i live, Montana. only around here it's Beer, Pussy, and Pickup. :D
and i eat a lot of steak because it's somewhat cheaper (there are 2x as many cows in montana than people, fact) and you can find beer in such plentiful amounts grocery stores have whole 50 ft aisles of it. and them lil farmer's daughters aint bad either, just dont get caught ;)
and to the guy in Russia, name it "in Soviet Russia...." haha!
How, exactly, are you still alive?
Az loves the taste of charcoal!
Great post Az! By the way, I stole your name for my character's name in Eve Online...I hope you don't mind. It sounds very cool, like you're Neo's partner in The Matrix or something. That and it's easy to type hehe.
I'm a medium-well kind of gal, and the sight of pink meat scares me. Cook that thing until the bacteria are good and dead! Not too fond of steak to begin with, though... beef is delicious, and pork (preferably in the Chinese style), and Mom's lamb, and chicken, and... hell, if it had a soul at one point, I'll eat it. =9
"*Holy Trinity, you may ask? I dunno if I've ever explained this one before. Maybe some other guys will back me up here, but for me, I really only need 3 things in life to be truly happy - beef, beer, and pussy. If I have these three, life is good. Pretty much everything else is done either in the pursuit of these things, or to help accommodate them. A nice house? A place to keep the beef and beer and pussy. A nice car? A means of getting beef, beer, and pussy. Health insurance? Something that takes care of you when you eat too much beef, drink too much beer, and accidentally fuck a rotten pussy. You get the idea."
Damn. That had me in stitches, along with the chef skit ^^ .
Never cultivated a taste for liquid bread myself. I preferred Smirnoff Ice and such.
Sounds like if you even got the third portion of your Holy Trinity after getting home, you wouldn't have remembered it XD .
Another good read. Peace, man.
I like my steak RARER THAN RARE. I want it to Mooooo at me. I just love the taste of warmed, but still bleeding, meat.
Mmmmmm.... I want some yakiniku now.....
As far as I'm concerned, red meat should live up to its name. If it's not actively seeping blood, you cooked it too long.
"and to the guy in Russia, name it "in Soviet Russia...." haha! "
Actually I was going to call it
"inostrannik smash"
hence I'm asking if I can.
Az this must be the good karma from all that crap you went through back in the days as a school teacher, your buxom mid 30s boss has become my new drinking idol. (still be wary of the future for more bad karma (( you enjoy this too mch and god will have to dump a big pile of shit on you)) keep those kancho senses keen)
How was the tech guy id they send him home or was he there all night?
Ooh, flippin' crazy shit.
Beef, beer, *and* pussy? The greatest Holy Trinity ever. But having that nice package of woman just strutting around everyday at your workplace?
*fums around frustrated* I NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
Beer? THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing that steak should be is a cow.
I prefer the blue end of rare myself, but as long as it a piece of cow that isn't leather
it's all right
I'm now concerned about the safety of my Japanese-made electrical equipment.
From your articles, the workers in Japan seem to always be either drunk, drinking, about to start drinking, chasing hot co-workers while drinking or hung over.
Hmm BBQ+Beer on company time is unusual to you? Guess you never been in or met someone in the Air Force. I think we had that at least once a month and thats not counting the big ones where a lot of beer companys come on base and setup shop(free) in the park. Ahhh how I miss the military.
The bit with the woman holding the beer and beef
sounded vaguely like some kind of Japanese porno.
Japanese Woman: "Hi. Want some?"
[Close-up pan across Beef Platter, Cleavage, and
Beer Bottle.]
American Man: [zombie stare] Absolutely.
[AM begins chowing down]
JW: May I kancho you?
AM: [between bites and swigs] Absolutely.
[JW kanchoes AM: WHAM!]
AM: [through mouthful of food] MORE, PLEASE!
[shot of more beef and beer being provided,
followed by another Kancho Shot]
AM: [through mouthful of food] MORE, PLEASE!
[repeat several times]
JW: Oh, my fingers are sore. [pulls out underwear
with rubber hands in Kancho Position] More?
AM: [through mouthful of food] YES, PLEASE!
[at this point, the rest of the movie descends to
a point which makes Falwell spin in his grave...]
its been awhile since i've posted but i have been reading all ur posts secretly at work (like an addiction haha). It would make it complete if drinking was involved though...
keep up the awesome posts!
nihonjin women have those? i'm impressed.
What a world we live in when making sure life-threating bacteria are dead is considered ruining a steak.
god dude, nothing you write is funny
Hey, did anyone get a wordpad copy of the MST script Az linked? I had been reading it over the course of the past few days, but it seems the website has reached its monthly max of hits, so I can't reach it anymore and I was too stupid to copy/paste the entire thing into a wordpad myself >.< Can anyone send a copy of it to honshufury@hotmail.com, or give me another link for it? Thanks in advance!
Greatest Blog Post EVAR!
If I wasn't already married to a wonderful figure of Japanese beauty, I would be on a plane to your location to steal the Beef&Beer Goddess for my bride.