There's an outlet mall near the airport in Osaka. I went out there one day to pick up a new pair of shoes. As you can imagine, buying shoes in Japan is damn near impossible for me. I wear somewhere around a size 13 US, which translates into 30~32 centimeters Japanese. I used to go into a shoe store, browse around, find a shoe I liked, only to ask about the sizes and find that they only had up to 28. Eventually, I wised up, and before even looking at one pair of shoes, I'd go directly to the store clerk and ask if they had my size.
Me: Um, excuse me, but do you have a size 32?
Clerk: EH?! 32?! I'm terribly sorry, but...
Me: Okay, well, thanks anyway.
Clerk: (as I'm walking away) Holy FUCK, 32? Was that a human that just came into our store, or a Big-Footed alien?!
Most times, when my shoes are getting worn, I have mom send me a new pair from America. She's got decent taste in shoes, and I've found that it's MUCH easier to ask Mom to send shoes than to send condoms. Though I have to wonder, what does poor Mom think?
Friend: Hey, what's your son doing in Japan?
Mom: Judging by the care packages I send him, going on massive walking treks, and having lots of sex apparently.
This time though, I didn't have time to put in the Mom request, so I headed out to the outlet. As they import straight from America, and considering the proximity to the airport, they actually do have a decent range of sizes. I bought myself a nice size 32 pair of Timberland's, at a pretty good price.
Interestingly enough though, none of this is actually relevant to the point of this article.
I went with my girlfriend. We went by a train line called Nankai. And that's how we expected to come back, but as we arrived in central Osaka, we found ourselves at a JR station. How, exactly, this happened, we have no bloody idea. I can only say that it's Japan, and apparently, trains will just up and change lines for no apparent reason. I think this is why Japanese people have that "wake up at my stop" superpower, because if they didn't, they might find that their train has stopped in Russia.
This might have been fine if we were using normal tickets, but of course we weren't. I had my magical sensor card, and my girlfriend was using a pass card. As far as train lines go, JR is retarded, and they don't accept our specific type of magical sensor card and merely ordinary pass card. What this meant was that we were going to have to have to pay out of pocket the JR price, and then get a note from the JR station that the unsettled balance on our rail cards was, in fact, settled, for the next time we wanted to use the cards at the 1.37 billion other train lines in Japan that aren't as retarded as JR.
My girlfriend and I lined up at the gate. She explained our situation, and the JR station guy began to fill out a note for her while she paid the ticket price. While standing there, a light bulb went off in my head--You don't have to pay the ticket price. Just Gaijin Smash this dude. I'm not sure why I came to this conclusion--perhaps it was the way he refused to look directly at me? And while you might argue that he was just focusing his energies on the current patron, the guy did manage to look everywhere else. The look in his eyes too resembled that of prey, hoping that if it didn't make eye contact with the circling predator, maybe, just maybe, it would turn invisible.
So after my girlfriend paid for her ticket...I simply smiled at the guy, and walked through the gate. The guy returns my smile, and says nothing as I pass through. My girlfriend is shocked. "What the hell?! You didn't pay! And he didn't even care! What in the?!"
I realized then that, in all our time together, while she's been witness to a lot of the other Gaijin Superpowers, this was her first time seeing a Gaijin Smash.
I repeated the Gaijin Smash at the next train station. Since I hadn't paid at JR, I didn't have the little note saying I'd settled the balance on my card. My girlfriend is freaking out--"You can't do that, they're going to arrest you!" Maybe, if I was Japanese. But not with the Gaijin Smash on my side! I handed the card to the guy, and in the clearest, most perfect English I could muster, said, "Oh, I made a mistake on this card, can you erase it?" Of course, I could have said, "I like pleasure spiked with pain and you can be my aeroplane" and it would have been all the same to this guy. He looks at me, blinks a few times, takes the card, and promptly erases the old charge.
The girlfriend is amazed. "Wow, you just rode all the way to the airport and back, totally for free! And just because you're a Gaijin?! Man, I wish I was a Gaijin..."
Though the powers of the Gaijin are great, the burden and responsibility are also much to bear. It is our blessing, it is our curse.
***
Despite having coined this term, I actually do not Gaijin Smash all that often. I don't like the stereotype of "big, rampaging Gaijin" and do my best to show the Japanese that we actually CAN fit into their society if they let us.
But sometimes...you just gotta smash someone.
I bought a new cell phone recently. It's one of those super-ultra-advanced deals, with a built-in TV, electronic wallet, mp3 player, movie player, full internet browser, GPS tracking system, digital money, news, sports, and weather forecasts, mind-reading, lasers, light sabers, and a replicator that can only produce hot earl grey tea. Oh yeah, and it also makes phone calls too and stuff.
With my new super-phone, I began to think--hey, I wonder if I can watch porn on this thing?
For the ladies in the audience thinking, "How the hell did he arrive at that?!" it's pretty simple--I'm a guy. Give us a screen or display of some sorts, and we will wonder if you can watch porn on it. If there was a way to watch porn on those handheld Tiger LCD games, we would. What many mathematicians don't want you to know is, if you calculate the Pythagorean Theorem on an abacus, it'll show you the first 20 minutes of Debbie Does Dallas.
Perhaps I was inspired by all the old men who read porn magazines and newspapers on the trains? They're not even trying to be subtle about that shit, they just spread it open, and there's some girl in lace lingerie with her (non-existent) tits hanging out, as she's sitting spread eagle with the caption "I'm wet and waiting for you tonight!" The guy will be thoroughly engrossed in it, like he's reading the Nikkei or some shit. "Let's see...Sony's down...Matsushita's up...and Yuko took some naughty pictures with her friends, and she's willing to share them in this limited offer."
So one day on the train, I tried browsing for a little porn on my phone. I actually found a site that looked promising. Before I could get the goods though, I had to go through a series of verification screens, each one requesting more personal information from me. Now, any sane, rational human would realize that this was some sort of trap, but men who are locked in on porn aren't exactly sane and rational, are we? Logic, deductive reasoning? Right out the nearest window.
I finished progressing through the screen, and eventually, I got to a final screen. I was quite surprised to find this message.
"Thank you for completing your registration! We request that you submit your payment up front. Please pay the balance of $1200 in the next three days."
Wha...tha...FUCK?!
Now, everybody knows the Cardinal Rule of the Internet--never pay for porn. This usually applies for some site where you have to buy a $60 dollar, year-long membership or something. But, $1200?! For 6 months?! Of shitty cell phone porn?! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my LIFE. You could tell me that the Grand Canyon is made out of rocky road ice cream, and the reason it's a crater is because Kate Moss got hungry, and ate so much that she actually imploded into herself, becoming a human black star, and I would still find that more believable than $1200 for 6 months of cell phone porn.
Clearly, there was only one thing I could do--not pay.
I've found, in my 26 years here on Earth, that when you sign up for some service from a company, most companies expect you to pay for the service you're getting. And if you don't pay, they tend to get a little angry, and pesky. That's what happened here, someone from this rip-off service called me, and judging by the tone and speed of his voice, he wasn't too happy with me.
I'm pretty good at Japanese listening comprehension, but this guy was talking like that dude who used to do the Micro Machines commercials/was the voice of Blur in S3 of the G1 Transformers cartoon. I didn't fully understand what he said, so I was about to ask him to repeat himself, when the ever-present, omnipotent voice chimed in again.
Voice: Dude. It's time for another Gaijin Smash.
Me: Again? Over the phone? I don't think it works over the phone.
Voice: It can be done. Do not underestimate your Gaijin powers!
Me: I dunno....I guess I can try
Voice: No, do. Do or do not, there is no try.
I decided, the Long Distance Gaijin Smash was worth a shot, especially since the alternative was trying to convince this guy why I didn't owe him $1200 for cell phone porn. In the most basic, somewhat broken Japanese I could muster, I asked, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Dude catches on quick--"Hold on, are you not Japanese?" "No, I'm not Japanese." I say in English. "What country are you from?" The guy asks. I respond that I'm American. "Huh?" He says. "I'm American." "What?"
I know it wasn't a problem with my vocabulary, or pronunciation. "I'm American" is something you learn in Japanese 1. It's one of the most basic and fundamental Japanese phrases you'll learn, right up there with "My name is," "I'm sorry," and "I have pancreatic cancer." Why didn't dude understand me, then? It's a side-effect of the Gaijin Smash, the Gaijin Blackout. The Japanese person is so flustered, so mind-blown over you not being Japanese, that they instantly become incapable of normal human functions. A Gaijin can speak perfect Japanese to them, and they would fail to comprehend even one word. I think you could even punch a Gajin Blackout-afflicted Japanese right in the face, and they would be too flabbergasted to fall down.
So then the guy does the unthinkable--he hangs up on me! Japan is a country where customer service is not just valued--it's revered. And somehow, through the phone lines, I'd Gaijin Smashed him so hard that he actually hung up the phone on a customer. Nice. At any rate, now I no longer have to pay $1200 for shitty cell phone porn.
Ah, being foreign in Japan. Free train rides and cell phone porn. Really, do you need anything more than that?
Gaijin Smash FTW! :D
I'll have to remember these sage lessons when I visit the country myself heh...
Do you still get to keep said shitty cell phone porn?
my my, don't tell me you had forgoten the rule 2 of the Internet ! If rule 1 is "never pay for porn" (btw rule 1a is "never pay for anything"), then rule 2 is "never give personal infos", which can be rephrased as "Always tell shit to people" or something.
The gaijin is a path to many abilities most japanese consider to be... unnatural!
I remember Gaijin Smashing a couple of times when i was over in Japan, the most memorable being on a bus in Kyoto. I'd got myself on the wrong one somehow and taken a ride halfway across town, i just walked upto the bus driver showed him the wrong pass, smiled and walked off.
I do know what you mean about customer service being second only to Buddha/Shinto equivalent or something over there. Its insane how much they are willing to bend over for you.
Gaijin Smash rocks.
Japan, here I come!
No, wait.
I can't.
Just keep 'em stories coming up!
(Greetings from Finland)
That was awesome.... Gaijin Blackout, superb..
Awesome! Were you of a more evil disposition, you could rule that country just by Gaijin smashing your way to the position of high emperor! Not that I'm trying to give you ideas...
OMG u are back. Please don't be so long to update. I almost vent to Japan to help in the rescue attempt since you must have fallen into a hole...In another note is there a person I can talk to about my "Gaijin Smash" addiction.
Ok guys, I found Az's early videos of him trying to track down the gaijin cock slurpers.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-I4PHSkTWi8
Az, you naughty naughty big black man =p
I liked the RHCP reference.
"Gaijin Blackout?" That's even funnier. I know what you mean, I live in neighboring Korea, and to get out of sticky situations, I play the foreigner and act stupid. But for some dumb reason, the Gaijin Blackout kicks in at the wrong times: when I'm looking for an item at a store, and they see I'm a foreigner, they assume I can't speak Korean and act like all of our pronunciation of Korean is straight from the pits of heck, and it all goes down from there.
But keep the stories, I always check this bi-weekly for the latest, goofy stories.
I also visited Osaka last month, and I found it to be a great and fun city.
I loved the "Aeroplane" reference...that's my favorite RHCP song
Dude where the fuck did you go!?
I had to resort to masturbating with sandpaper and leaving poisoned milk out for the hedgehogs. The mother-fuckers never drank it either, so I drank it instead.
So I'm writing this from hospital, where the wireless connection is shit. Fabrication? Maybe.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Great post, Az!!
...Is it true? This site still...updates?
And I'd really move "Never give out personal info online" as rule #1; "Never pay for online pr0n" is just a corollary.
when ever i have looked at a lot of internet porn i will worry that i might have acidently sined up for something.
oh god so it can atualy happen. i am atualy sceard
Ah, being foreign in Japan. Free train rides and cell phone porn. Really, do you need anything more than that?
Apparently beer, beef, and pussy, right?
Thanks for the laugh and I'm really glad your girlfriend was able to experience the GaijinSmash in all its glory.
Az wrote: I didn't fully understand what he said, so I was about to ask him to repeat himself, when the ever-present, omnipotent voice chimed in again.
===
"Yukkuri onegaishimasu!" ^_^
Great post Az!
The return of the Gaijin Smash! The most coveted technique! I never thought that I would see another one again. Man, that made my day...
The Gaijin Blackout seems to be the latest technique that you've added to your repetoire. I'm assuming that if you affect more then one person at the same time, it would be a Chou Gaijin Blackout, right?
But what kind of porn site would force you to pay $1200 within three days? Is it the good Japanese porn that they've been holding out from the norm of society?
I think your girlfriend might be in denile of the Gaijin Smash man. It's good to see that you don't abuse it though, but I'm surprised you haven't mentioned using it on a resturant chef to ensure you actually get the well-done steak that you crave so much, but I'm probably putting in too many dangerous ideas in your head...
Also way to go sneaking in the subtle Next Gen reference.
Ah yes, the Smash and the Blackout. I have witnessed them in action and even used them a few times to my advantage here in Ecuador, though they aren't quite as strong as the Godly Powers you seems to possess in Japan. Isn't it crazy? Just a little bit of English or knowledge that they are talking to a foreigner and they suddenly have the intellectual abilities of a 2 year old.
I don't think it'll work for any Gaijin. It works for you because you're a large, black man (though the cell phone... not quite sure what happened there). I am an Indian/Russian mix who is only 5 foot 10 inches, so I'm not so sure if that'll work for me.
Az, you think that gaijin smash will work on mainland China? I'm going there for a couple of weeks next month.
Man dose gaijin smash work for black girls?
Ha ha!
I wish I could Gaijin smash!
But alas... I'm Asian -_____-"
Keep up the funny Japanese humor!
You've taught me lots about Jap culture~ LMAO!
Always look on the bright side of race
As long as they respect the gaijin space
when Japanese trains a bitch
it could make your eye twitch
Just look 'em in the eye and they'll will be scare to death
And porn collectors comes a callin'
just say that you are "ballin'"
And they'll hang up, twice out of breath
And always look up the bright side of race
The customer service thing is probably because in any other country, people will only go through so much explaining before they start to suffer (and get somewhat mad)....buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut! the Japanese love to suffer, right?
So customer service is fun.
You need to post more buddy. All of us lonely people come to your page every day hoping for a new editorial, then you promised us tuesdays and thursdays and dont even give us that consistently. Maybe just write a quick editorial on paper on the train then type it up a night. They don't have to be super special awesome. We just like hearing from you.
/stalkerspeech
(Az's Note: Been swamped at work lately, which is why the updates have been inconsistent lately.
And I'm asleep on the trains. Like any good Japanese.)
Az, you are a right.
With all the special powers you say the Japanese possess, you forget about your own powers.
The Smash is awesome!
Caged Penguin , please don't compare Az to those fake ass Nigerians pretending to be Americans. It would be a discrace.
Hmm.. does Gaijin Smash work regardless of race or gender?
I think we all have a good idea what it'd be like to be a man in Japan... but what if you're a woman? What is Japan-life like for women gaijin?
Dude, you comboed a SW reference into a ST reference. The last guy I saw try that died in the attempt. Nicely done.
Gaijin smash on shitty porno is all right,but don't use Gaijin smash illegally, You are contributing negatively to a stereotype of gaijin
Does your girlfriend understand your point of view on the whole pearl harbor issue? Or do you discuss these things with her?
Dory, as an Asian you may not be able to Gaijinsmash in the conventional sense. But I had some Chinese Canadian room-mates when I was in Japan. They were perfectly capable of the GaijinMindBlow.
Japanese person: *babbling away in Japanese*
My friend: Huh? What? I'm Canadian?
Japanese person: *curious question in Japanese*
My friend: *in broken Japanese* I don't Japanese. Canadian. Purple monkey vibrator.
Japanese person: Huuuuuuhhhhhh? Canadian? *switches to English* Aru yuu Japaneezu?
My friend: No, I'm Canadian.
Japanese person: Butto, yuu rook Japaneezu.
My friend: I'm Chinese-Canadian?
Japanese person: Chinese Cana-*head explodes*
(apparently the only asian people in the world are Japanese)
I totally love being able to GaijinSmash. I'd do it on the bus all the time. I had a bus pass that was only meant to work between 2 stops. I'd use it all the time for any stop. At first it was an honest mistake, I thought all monthly bus passes were universal. But a friend corrected me. By this stage I'd already gone 2 months using illegal bus passes, though, and never once been pulled up by a bus driver so I figured- what's the chance of one risking my wrath and pulling me up on it now?
I doubt I could ever pull off a Gaijin Smash or any Gaijin powers. I am 5'3, paler than Casper and been mistook for a little girl longer than I was one.
You had me at "hot Earl Gray tea."
Nice one, probably the best Smash post you've ever made.
Although the whole shoe thing threw me for a loop there at the begining.
Regardless, I had to read some of your OP9 stories to pass the time in your absence and just have to say they were all great. I can certainly tell your stories come from the beaten and battered 'nice guy' within... with a bit of bitterness thrown in for good measure I would assume. Keep up the great work.
Just be glad you don't wear size 20.
I'm reading this on my blackberry in a train underneith grand central in new york, and laughed so loudly people turned their heads. Your humor spans globally.
Fyi the waking-up-at-the-right-moment thing has to do with each train stop having its own "ringtone", so if you're semi asleep all you have to pay attention for is your stop's song to know when to wake up.
Haha, this reminds me precisely of something my exchange group did in Japan. We had some fancy pre-paid JR Rail Passes that we were using a lot for the shinkansen and we absolutely COULD NOT lose it. Of course, one girl lost hers... So, whenever we had to show them our passes, our group of 15 would swarm the guy all at once, all holding out our passes, speaking English to each other, and saying loud thank yous. The girl would just hold a slip of paper that had some Japanese writing on it. And we'd get through every time! It must've been like 5 or 6 times.
One night we went clubbing, and we tried to minimize what we brought, so most people forgot their passes. But it turned out that we could use them on one of the train lines we needed... So there must've been 6 or 7 girls just holding up a paper from the club and saying "Thank you very much!" and we all got through. It was awesome. (And they were already paid for, a couple hundred bucks, so it's not like we were stealing...)
mind-reading, lasers, light sabers, and a replicator that can only produce hot earl grey tea.
Can it also give French starship commanders inexplicable British accents?
I'm 6'3 and white. I so want to do some Gaijin Smashing.
Yeah, I'd be a super-villain over there.
Hey Az,
Actually for the end of your story it sounds like you just found out what happens when Gaijin and Yakuza mix. The cellphone thing you're describing is a common scam these days run by the Yakuza.
Interestingly enough, there seems to be some unwritten agreement where the Yakuza will ignore most Gaijin. Now I wouldn't test the limit on this, but being a Gaijin will get you out the kind of situation you described above. The other main area you might run in to this would be dealing with apartmetn real estate agents, and their real estate contract fees.
Best of luck to you!
When I was in Japan I was subject to the GaijinBlackout at a moment when I needed it to not show up the most. I was in a JR station that was so small that I did not know where the bathroom was. I walked up to the guy in the booth there and asked in Japanese "Where is your toilet?" He looked at me blankly. I know both my choice of words and my accent were clear but this guy looked at me with the most confusing expression.
Him: (He is an American, but is speaking in a language that is farmiliar to me. I wonder if he is trying to communicate with me.)
Me: (In Japanese) "Toilet? Where is the Toilet? Do you understand the words that are comming out of my mouth? Don't you speak Japanese?"
Him: (In english) "You need toilet?"
Me: (Hanging head in shame and saying in english)"Yes"
Him: (Points to a door)
I had learned Japanese. I was there on homestay and I was told to use Japanese whenever I could. I was so frustereated that he would not give me the chance to use what Japanese I learned.
Az, has this happened to you?
Az I am a big fan of you, but I suggest you to delete this post. It is possible that the police will arrest
you. Cheating on your fare on the train is a crime in
Japan.
The Gaijin Smash is the reason why we kicked the Japanese out of PNG in WWII
Probably find that Yakuza leave Gaijin alone because we aren't as easy to intimidate and the police would have to get involved because we are forigners.
Japanese crap themselves at the sight of Tattoos since Tattoos = Yakuza. We try not to piss them off, but we're Gaijin, we don't know any better.
Azrael got the opposite. They showed him an english menu, then couldn't understand when he ordered in English.
Luls, there are so many assholes like Anon who post here. It is the internets though; what do I expect?
But yeah, some gaijin need to stop treating Japan like it's some country full of crazy people that let you get away with things. Sure, there are obviously cultural differences, but acting like a pushy, obnoxious foreigner and taking advantage of that makes you look like an ass.
Just sayin'.