So I quit my job. In a perfect world, I would have my next job all lined up and waiting for me. And in this perfect world, that job would be something like professional cheesecake taster, or even better, actual-use condom tester. I would be paid generously, set my own schedule, and have ridiculous perks like always getting to fly first class, and free peanut butter whenever I saw fit.
Unfortunately, I do not live in a perfect world, which meant that being unemployed once again put me at home with a lot of free time on my hands. Furthermore, with my live-in girlfriend going to her proper job every weekday, that effectively made me a live-in house husband. I told her that she was perhaps the first, and quite possibly only/last Japanese girl to be the one bringing home the bacon while her mate lounges around at home doing nothing. Usually, I'm pretty happy to set precedents, but for some odd reason she didn't seem too pleased with this one.
With my newfound free time on weekdays, I decided to explore an aspect of Japanese culture I'd never experienced before--that of the bored housewife. Though things are slowly changing, many women only hold career jobs until they get married, or pregnant (although pregnancy seems to follow marriage pretty darned quickly). The woman will quit her job to take care of the kid, but once all the kids in a household hit junior high school, the woman will pretty much be absolved of that duty, as kids seem to spend 85% of their lives at school. Some women may take on part-time jobs or other work to help pass the time. But for the rest...well, that's what I set out to find out. Just what exactly is a day like for the average Japanese Peg Bundy, anyway?
Morning: TV
I usually like to sleep in on mornings, but with my girlfriend going off to work, it woke me up, and I found that I couldn't go back to sleep. In that weird sort of funk where you're awake but don't necessarily want to do anything, really the only choice is to turn on the TV and sort of vegetate until you do properly wake up.
Now, I've ranted before that Japanese TV is the most horrible thing on the face of the Earth. I would like to correct myself, because I was wrong. Japanese morning TV is the most horrible thing that mankind has ever created. Like, God himself could come down and begin the Apocalypse, and if a small delegation of us approached him and said, "Why God, why?" And God's answer was just to show us an hour of Japanese morning TV, we'd have to accept our rightful doom and quietly climb right down the mountain.
Luckily for me, there were a few sensational news stories at this time that kept things somewhat interesting. In one incident, a young girl accused her older brother of "having no dreams." In response, the boy hit her in the head with a baseball bat, then choked her to death. He then chopped up her body in the hopes of hiding it, but was eventually found out. In another case, a salaryman came home drunkenly one night and passed out on his bed, only to have his wife kill him by smashing a wine bottle over his head. Finding that the body was far heavier to carry than she thought, she chopped him up into pieces, stuffed the parts into suitcases and bags, and dumped them in various places around Tokyo, at one point riding the trains with his severed head in a travel bag.
Now, all you unimaginative people out there would probably figure that news stories involving family members violently killed and then dismembered are plenty interesting on their own. Nope. Morning/Daytime Japanese TV features "Wide" shows, whose purpose is to take news stories such as these and exhaust every possible angle to the fullest degree. So, where we have a troubled and angry brother lashing out against his younger sister, the wide shows give us the possibility of an incestuous relationship, and the brother being jealous over the (big-breasted) younger sister dating a man 10 years her senior (probably for money). And it wasn't just enough to know that the housewife killed and dismembered her husband, no--the wide shows produced scale-replicas of the apartment, complete with CGI rendering of how the husband drunkenly stumbled home, in what order the wife chopped him up in, and how she used potted plant soil to soak up the blood.
If I were God, *I* would be starting the Apocalypse over this shit.
Interestingly enough, I believe the brother and wife were first charged with "improper disposal of a dead body." Some three weeks later, after extensive and exhaustive confessions, the brother was finally charged with murder. I never recall hearing the wife getting the murder charge. Although knowing the Japanese judicial system, the judge will give them seven years in jail and say something like, "What you did was very, very bad! Shame!"
What always amazes me about Japanese crime though is how quickly the guilty own up to it. There's no lengthy trial, no DNA testing or forensics, it all seems pretty simple...
Police: So, um, your husband's missing.
Woman: Yeah. I noticed.
Police: And you aren't at all distressed about this?
Woman: I guess I should be, huh?
Police: You know, that's kind of suspicious.
Woman: All right, you've got me. I admit it. I killed him. I bludgeoned him to death, and when his body was too heavy to carry, I chopped him up into travel-size pieces and dumped him all over Tokyo. If you like, I can mark on this map where the pieces you haven't found are.
Police: That would be nice.
Woman: Also, would you like to know the brand of the potting soil I used to soak up his blood?
It's quite different from how things work back in America...
Police: Holy shit, this woman has been stabbed to death. Hey you! Do you know what's going on?
Guy: I don't know officers, I just got here.
Police: Really? Cause her blood is all over your shirt.
Guy: Yeah, see, I just tripped and fell, she was already dead by the time I got here, honest.
Police: ...You're holding a knife.
Guy: ...This isn't mine. See, there was this guy, and just as I got here, he was like "hold this," so I did, and then he ran away, and then you guys showed up.
Police: ...Uh-huh. By the way, is your name David White?
Guy: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Police: Well, it looks like the woman managed to scribble "David White is my killer" in her blood before dying...
Guy: It was that dude! I told you, that dude who was here before! He ran up to me, and he was all, "Hey, what's up? My name is David White, here hold this." I remember that, cause I was like, "Whoa, this dude has the same name as me!" You need to be searching for that guy.
Police: Right. Well, results have come back from the lab, and we've found some of your semen on the victim.
Guy: What the fuck are you, CSI?!
Afternoon: Activity Time
Being thoroughly disgusted by Japanese TV will make one want to actually leave the house and do something productive. Many bored housewives use this opportunity to study English. They may visit one of the English conversation schools, study on their own, or enlist a private Gaijin English tutor. If the tutor is male and handsome enough, she may also enlist him for some "extracurricular" studying, if you catch my drift. Not that I know anything about that. Nosireebob.
Anyway, as it was pointless for me to study English (seeing in how me English are perfect anyways), I dedicated this time to going to the gym. It was actually a pretty good time to go--with only housewives and retired folks, the gym wasn't at all too crowded, and I could work out in peace. Not to mention that sometimes I could observe some of the studio programs, and believe me when I tell you that there is nothing more amusing on this Earth than watching 60+ year old Japanese grannies practicing Hip Hop Dancing. I am seriously not even making that up.
With only housewives and retirees, I could work out in peace. For the most part. Sometimes the old folks would stop to marvel at me. Now, I work out with headphones, mostly because Japanese gym music fucking sucks (how in God's green Earth are The Carpenters supposed to motivate me to do anything other than jump out the window?), but it also does a good job of keeping everyone else away. Most Japanese people don't think I can speak Japanese anyway. So perhaps one day, these two old guys, seeing me with my headphones, and naturally assuming I wouldn't understand anyway, decided to talk about me right in front of my face. Even if I didn't understand Japanese, I'd like to think that I'd be at least somewhat clued in to two guys standing in front of me, pointing at me, and looking over my shoulder. Apparently, foreigners in Japan not only don't understand Japanese, but are also fundamentally retarded as well.
Anyway, curious at to what they were saying, I put my "Techno Syndrome" (MORTAAAAAAL KOMBAAAAAAAAT!!!) on pause to hear the conversation.
Guy 1: Hey, look at this. Look at how much this guy is curling.
Guy 2: Wow, 45 kilos!
Guy 1: I certainly couldn't even do that in my prime.
Guy 2: I think my daughter weighs 45 kilos. He's basically arm-curling my daughter.
Guy 1: Why is he here? He doesn't need to get any stronger. For what purpose could he be training?
Guy 2: It's certainly very scary, isn't it?
For a moment, I considered taking off my headphones and saying something like, "All the better to eat you with," but I ultimately decided against it.
Evening: Dinner
With my girlfriend working hard everyday, I decided the least I could do for her was prepare dinner. Hey, I've got some culinary skills. My free time also afforded me the chance to expand my menu, try some new things. After finishing up at the gym, I'd swing by the local grocery store to pick up foodstuffs for the day's meal. This was the prime time for housewives to be at the supermarket buying groceries for their home dinners --I could always tell it blew their minds to have not only a young male, but a young Gaijin male in their ranks.
It's funny, because there are times when we foreigners just blow a Japanese person's mind wide open, and they can't handle it. Case in point--I wanted to cook teriyaki chicken one night. So I went to the supermarket to buy teriyaki sauce and couldn't find it anywhere! I looked in sauces, spices, seasonings, but teriyaki was nowhere to be found. I figured the Japanese just had some wacky place they decided to keep it, so I asked a store clerk, a middle-aged Japanese woman, about it.
Me: Um, excuse me? Do you have teriyaki sauce?
Woman: *blinks daftly*
Me: Teriyaki sauce? Do you have teriyaki sauce?
Woman: Oh, no, we don't.
Me: WTF?! How is this the country of teriyaki, yet you don't sell teriyaki sauce?* Anyway, if I wanted to make teriyaki sauce, what would I need to buy?
Woman: Why would you want to make teriyaki sauce?
Me: Well, I'm cooking dinner tonight, and...
Woman: You're cooking dinner?
Me: Well, yes, I wanted to make teriyaki chicken tonight, so I came to buy teriyaki sauce, but since you guys don't have it, I guess I gotta make it.
Woman: You're cooking dinner?
Me: Forget about it.
*I still have yet to find a supermarket that sells bottled teriyaki sauce. WTF is up with that? Seriously?
Night: Romance
My girl comes home from a hard day of work, and I have a nice, delicious, hot dinner waiting for her. After a short rest period, she takes a shower. Now, despite being unemployed, I've had an eventful day. I watched horrible, horrible TV, I went to the gym, I bought groceries, and I cooked dinner. I listened to my girlfriend gripe about her work. Now it was time to turn the lights down low, put on a little Barry White, and get it on. It was time for romance. It was time for me to get some. I hop in bed ready and waiting. She gets out of the shower, blow-dries her hair, and eventually joins me. "Oh man, I'm so tired!" she says, and she rolls over, and is asleep almost instantly.
What the fuck is this shit?
Man, I really am becoming Japanese. Did someone order a global apocalypse?
INGREDIENTS:
* 1/2 cup soy sauce
* 1/2 cup *mirin (sweet rice wine) (soy sauce
: mirin = 1:1)
* 2 tbsp sugar
PREPARATION:
Stick everything in a pan and mix it well. Simmer on low heat for about five minutes, remove from burner and let cool.
*You can substitute mirin with sake and sugar (sake:sugar = 3:1) ** Adjust the amount of sugar, depending on your preference.
Why buy a bottle that's going to cost three times as much? :)
So you're not looking for another job?
Oh my god, Az. I died reading this.
You're becoming a house wench. Next thing you know, she'll be waking you up in the morning and saying "Get in the kitchen bitch and make me a fucking sandwich."
I bet I'd like japanese tv in the morning.
I like how they analyze all that weird shit, haha.
Because of you I now know that I can't expect japanese TV to distract me when i'm bored. And I am looking forward to "blow a Japanese person's mind wide open." Thank you kind sir
That was hilarious. :)
Thank you for the time you put into this blog!
Az, you are seriously screwing with the poor Japanese folk's minds here. You are a Gaijin- that is hard enough to accept as it is, but now you are a stay-at-home Gaijin house-husband WHO COOKS? I think the faint pops I'm hearing are thousands of Japanese heads exploding.
Yes! Why is there no teriyaki sauce in Japan? I am still confused by this. Maybe they just make it at home....I never saw it in grocery stores when I was living in Japan.
Very fun to read. I've been watching some Japanese morning TV at a friend's house the other day and it's just as horrible as you describe it. And my friend even said it was fun. Errm -- sure.
I believe teriyaki is a mixture of soysauce, Honteri (a brand of mirin, I believe) and a bit of sugar.
I always mix 2 parts soy sauce, 1 part honteri, 1 tablespoon of chopped garlic, 1 teaspoon of mashed ginger, pepper and 1/2 teaspn of sugar. SOOOO good.
You know, I'm surprised that over all this time and all these entries, you haven't made allusions to Haruhi, or to what was easily the best school-related Japanese IP ever, GTO (Great Teacher Onizuka).
Either way, at least this is still a funny and witty retelling of a real-life and ongoing "fish out of water" story. Keep it up! :3
Well it is good to know, that while Japan is one of the safest countries, if you are going to be murdered, it won't be boring news.
i suppose housewives are stay-at-home so they're not exhausted when the man wants some. :]
This entry reminded me of a J-drama I've been watching, "At Home Dad", where this guy loses his job just as his wife is offered one, and has to learn about taking care of his kids and the house.
You should check it out; it might strike a chord.
i don't think teriyaki really exists in japan, does it? isn't it more of an american thing, like california rolls?
i never seemed to see teriyaki dishes in menus at all the restaurants i've been to there.
???
Az, dude, that's ,like, awesome!
Once i get news of mass head poppings in Japan (bloody mess) I'll know you just did something like buying washing powder and asking the clerk which one he/she would recommend, because you wanted to wash some clothes (of course just because there was no fresh clothes left/ the tower in the corner started smelling badly) Or something like that.
Oh btw, i'd watch out what people say about you, since it might be you GF has to defend herself from being accused of neglecting her womanly duties by saying she has a black slave...
They probably don't sell teriyaki sauce in Japan for the same reason they don't sell pasta sauce in Italy: no self-respecting local would be caught dead buying something ready-made like that.
The reason in Japan they always get a confession is because the police can hold suspects for some ridiculous length of time and put a lot of pressure on them to confess. This is why Japan can't make any decent cop shows, being a cop in japan is about as much fun as folding t-shirts
Actually the sauce is called tare, and the instructions to make it are already given by other commenters. Seriously though, it wasn't that hard to find out, it's all on Wikipedia. Well maybe it wasn't 6 months ago... Actually it was!
wait... no teriyaki sauce in Japan? that's like no Ketchup at a Wal-mart food section!?!?
dude, hope you found something to do eventually.
I just gave my husband a summary of your post, and he had the following suggestion he wanted me to pass on to you.
"Dude, next time you go to the gym, wear a Godzilla T-shirt."
That second TV show sounds an awful lot like the plot of "Out" a really weird Japanese crime novel about a young woman who kills her drunken husband.
She got her friends to chop the dude up and they dumped the body all over Tokyo.
...Just a random note :)
Teriaki was invented in Hawaii, not Japan! LOLOL!
I'll be in Kyoto next week. I'll keep an eye out for you ^_^
... The entire world knows men make better cooks than women anyway. You never see a woman being stereotyped as a master chef.
*ahem* I really didn't expect you becoming a househusband (and you're not even married yet) any time soon but I kind of feel as if the stories are becoming satirical of Japanese life; Quite the complete polar opposite depictions seen in media such as anime.
As tempting as it might get, don't get a "Kiss the Cook" apron.
I came across the teriyaki sauce thing a couple of months ago. According to my girlfriend and her mom no one buys it, they just make it. There's no set definition of teriyaki sauce either, they just put soy sauce, sugar, whatever alcohol is handy, and anything else in it they think will work that day. When I told them all teriyaki sauce was sold pre-made in bottles in america they told me they thought it would go bad too quickly to use.
"It's quite different from how things work back in America..."
You hit that nail on the head with that one. Here's a remarkably similar case to the one you mentioned:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18688528/
She even sent herself a letter saying that she didn't do it. God Bless America.
dude what a poser, I've lived in Japan for 4 years, done more women than even Tucker Max could imagine, and NEVER fucking taught Eglish. I hated those fucking JALT people so much, they swarm together likes flies on shit, and every time some stranger would ask if I taught English it would just piss me off. I am an Archeologist, living in Japan because I actually learned something including how to speak Japanese, but I never let on that fact when gettign women, they love it when you do not speak English...Anyway, I just wanted to say how your stories truly suck, nothing at all like me, a good looking single guy who can actually get any woman he wants, you are a fucking poser.
you should be a stand up comedian you have a ot of good material
Oh, I remember those stories....and the CGI renderings...crime in Japan is somewhat scary, theres no middle ground here, its either "non-existant" or "psychotic"....have they found the guy who killed the English teacher in Tokyo yet? Last I heard he was still "at large"....
Poor baby, you were stuck at home...my guy friends used to get the same "mind-blowing" responses.
"You cook? But you're a man?!?"
And the ONLY funnier thing than Japanese 60+ grannies doing hip hop dance, is watching the MEN do it! You'll be laughing for days!
BTW, who wants to be a master chef? I'd much rather be a cook. Chefs make the same damn meal, the same damn way all the time. A COOK makes it THEIR way and puts love in it. That cant be duplicated or mass produced like the so-called "master chefs", I'd rather have someone's grandmother "cook" me a delicious meal than go to some fancy, over-priced, ego driven chef's resturant anyday.
So, apparently Japanese crime has two settings: non-existent, and From-the-mind-of-Edgar Allen Poe. Good to know.
At least your sense of humor is still intact LOL
I hv a feeling that this blog is one of the things that's keeping you sane at the moment.
Something's good bound to come eventually..
Dude, you curl 45 kilos? You are a monster.
"...because I actually learned something including how to speak Japanese, but I never let on that fact when gettign women, they love it when you do not speak English"
...what?
OMG, Az.... you're turning into Michael Keaton! ^_^ Just without the kids or marriage.
Bwahaha! I cook for my family too, but yeah..... it's gonna be different over there :) . And yes, I choose to make it from scratch instead of out of a package. Healthier that way.
Good read as always, and hang in there ;)
That hate-mail-like comment should go on OP9. Or maybe you just shouldn't dignify it with a reaction.
Hilarious story, by the way. When's your book coming out?
My pop always said, "Anyone who can't find work, ain't looking hard enough"
-Jayne Cobb
Holy crap, dude! Taichi Keaton is pissed at you for insulting his father's homeland and he wants to kick your ass! Better start training; those SAS guys are hardcore.
Congrats on earning your keep again, but it's great to read about your experience as Peg Bundy if she could curl 100lbs and cook.
Really enjoy reading your blog Az. You have all but destroyed my inner Japanophile!! :)
Hope things line up for you soon.
As to the hater up there....either he's got one odd sense of humor...Or I'm lost...Archeologist just never in my life equated to pussy magnet in my mind!! :)
Ignore the retard. I find it funny that an archeologist would use "dude" and "poser" a lot. For someone to claims to know a few things, he sure is moronic. Besides, who would hire him as an English teacher? Just looking at his pathetic paragraph. In fact he needs to go back to whatever he's from and not fail english. No, wait! Better yet, he should stay over there and get hook on phonics (I hope you never run into him).
Az, you made a difference. You did your job as best as you can and really cared about the kids(at least the good ones). If this idiot wants to be full of himself and a jerk, let him. You're better than him. He's probably a bad archeologist, seeing as how he just bangs STDs flesh bags.
BTW: Marine Biologist > Archeologist
Keep it up dude!
Seriously, that archaeologist fellow is full of it. I happen to be an actual archaeologist, you know, one who actually got paid for it in my home country, and he sounds just like the frat boys that came along on field schools to get drunk and try to get laid. Here's some truth for you, marra, archaeologists don't make money. That's why I'm an English teacher. Foreign archaeologists rarely get work in Japan. That's why I've only volunteered on digs, not been paid, more's the pity. As I'm sure you know, all the standard shovel bum work is done by retired folk and housewives, leaving the actual analysis work to the surplus of local graduates in archaeology. The only way you could get one of those jobs here, ones that are fiercely competitive even for locals, would be to be a particularly brilliant and persistent MA or Phd, which is somewhat contraindicated by your terrible writing style.
As to the anonymous marine biologist, to quote some cultural icon or other, suck it.
Oh, and Az, your storied are both entertaining and well written. How far in the past are we at this point? I seem to recall you quit your job in December, is this still from the winter?
how long can/did you take this routine? how do you spice things up?
And then Az discovered what it was like to be a woman...congratulations.
Hey, is that 45 kilos with one arm or with two? In your forums they said it is with two but I would like to hear it from the man himself.
And if it is with one arm, are training for joining yakuza, k-1 or pride?
AUTHOR: Daniel
EMAIL:
IP: 58.110.12.27
URL:
DATE: 06/27/2007 08:52:45 AM
Its always good to have your editorials here, passing the time, getting real good ROFL. Making me more interested to come to Japan and live for at least one year, probably with the rest of my friends after the army, see this shit for myself because this is just unbelievable crap and i am willing myself to be tested as a gaijin.
Now if you thought that Japanese news are horrible you should hear ours (I am form Israel):
The Narrator: Missile still keep falling down
The Narrator: A woman got stabbed and killed
and for the end
The weatherman: Its going to be hotter than it was yesterday for the whole week.
100lbs? You've got me good and beat. A gym question, are the gyms in Japan friendly? I know it sounds a little wierd but so far here in the states I've pretty much met only nice people at gyms and alost anyone is willing to give advice about a specific exercise or just chat.
Also, Indiana Jones = archaeologist, therefore archaeologist > marine biologist.
...My name actually is David White. Why does everyone think I'm a serial killer?
Dargen: Cant be worse than the news in the states.
News man: Paris Hilton!
News Woman: Paris Hilton!!
Weather man: Raining Paris Hilton!!!
Larry King: Holy Sh*** Paris Hilton!!!!
I would brave any storm of falling lead,explosions,the carpenters, rather than look at that smug anorexic Bi**h one more time.
curling 100lbs is not that big of a deal lol I need to get back into lifting. I have since starting focusing on endurance and flexibility (medical issue) and let my lifting power,embarrassingly, slip quite a bit :(
Keep it up Az! Instead of curling little japanese girls, You'll be curling little obasans before you know it!
Man...all my comments have already been taken up...I even looked up how to convert kilos to pounds...damn.
Good use of Indiana Jones right there, really can't have a comeback to that. Even if you've "done more women than even Tucker Max". Douuuchheee baaagggg
Promise to get pictures of all the Firsts.
"My girlfriend's first wifebeater."
"My girlfriend's first mustard stain."
"The first time I fell down the stairs."
"This was the doorknob I fell on the other day!"
Etc.