By Azrael Handy
I hate lazy-eyed Japanese people. I can never tell if they're staring at me, or out the window.
The Japanese name for a bowl of rice with chicken and eggs is "oyakodon." Literally, this means "bowl of parent and child." I think this is the saddest name for food ever, including rape blossoms. Could you imagine if there were a race of aliens that would just reach down and scoop up a mother and her child, put them in a bowl of rice, and eat them? If these aliens really did exist, I'm pretty sure I'd want to meet them.
People keep wanting Japan to apologize for all the atrocities they've committed, but honestly, I don't think Pokemon was all that bad.
I once told a 12 year-old Japanese boy that if he tried to stick his fingers up my ass, I'd stick my fingers up his ass. In some cultures, this is pedophilic gay porn. Luckily for me, in Japan, this is only saying hello. I told this story to my friend Michael, and he said he was coming to visit me immediately. I hope I have a spare futon.
And this is totally unrelated to the above, but when Japanese people get sick, they wear masks over their faces to contain the germs. Then in the summer, women use umbrellas and cover their hands and arms with gloves to stay white. I also just read in the news that the US is asking Japan to crack down on its lax child pornography laws....No wonder Michael Jackson is still so popular here.
If Japanese pussy really was sideways, I imagine all Japanese girls would have to walk like cowboys. And they could get some jeans with tassels, and spurs too. If they ever got into a fight over a man, they could have a shootout at the Okei Corral.
I met a Japanese man once who asked me how many guns I had. I told him I didn't have any, but he insisted that I did because I was American, and that I was lying about it because I was black. I was so mad over being stereotyped that I shot him with my glock.
I love the picture-in-picture thing Japanese variety TV shows do. It lets us people watching TV get to watch people who are watching TV. Only the Japanese could come up with something so innovative and cutting-edge.
Touts don't invite us Gaijin into whorehouses. People say it's because of the language barrier and STD fear, but I bet it's because if they did let us in, the whores would retire. The same way Michael Jordan retired after winning the championship-with a destroyed vaginal area.
A lot of Japanese men seem to drink alcohol everyday. I asked them if they thought they might be alcoholic. They said they only drank to take away the constant misery and depression. Well, as long as they've set realistic goals for themselves, I see no problem.
In America, an octopus is a slimy creature of the sea. In Japan, it's a delicious treat. To some, it's a penis-ripping oral sex maneuver. This is what they call "cultural differences."
I wonder how many geeks have built Gundams in their basement? Like, they're waiting for the day Godzilla shows up so they can hop in their Gundams and defend Tokyo. Boy, will those guys be surprised when the first wave of hedgehogs make their brutal strike.
Sometimes, I just want to walk around completely naked. They're already looking at me, but at least this way I get to keep cool in the summer.
One day, I want to stand in front of a love hotel, and as a young couple goes to enter, step forward and say, "Hey, want an upgrade?" I bet me and the guy would have a lot of fun with the free PlayStation in the room.
If American men lust after Japanese women, and Japanese men think American women are beautiful...then who's lusting after the Spanish? I smell untapped potential here.
I was riding on my bicycle one day when the police stopped me. Angry, I said, "You're only stopping me because I'm a Gaijin, aren't you!" At that point, my bicycle begged the police to help her, and then I had to run away.
Me and Takeshi were standing on the old bridge over the river. I turned to him and said, "If I jumped off this bridge right now, would you jump off too?" Takeshi gave me a strange look and said no, he wouldn't. That's when I pushed him off, because clearly he was an impostor Japanese planning to eat my brains when I let my guard down.
Part of the AV (adult video) industry in Japan includes idol DVD's--videos of a girl who does nothing more than frolic around at the beach or in her apartment in a swimsuit or her underwear. I used to think this was the stupidest thing ever, but then I realized that it's actually quite genius if you are a Japanese girl. I wish I had been born a big-tittied Japanese girl. Then people would pay me to not have sex and not even be naked on camera.
Also, idol DVD's have taught me that Japanese girls really enjoy rolling around in their rooms in their bra and panties. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one.
I used to think that Japan was this magical place of cultural diversity, acceptance, and friendly, helpful people. Then I realized that I forgot to get on the plane.
A tiny fish swims upstream and then gets eaten by a bigger fish. The bigger fish swims further upstream and gets caught by a Japanese salaryman. The salaryman goes to work and gets chewed out by the company president. The president comes home to find me fucking his wife. There's always a bigger fish.
Japanese people think that having pink nipples means you're sexually inexperienced. Obviously that's not true, because we all know what huge sluts those albinos are.
Because Japan's 17 hours ahead of California, when I talk to my friends over the internet, it's like talking to the past. Yet, they never heed my warnings.
When a 14 year-old Japanese girl offers to trade sex if you buy her a Louis Vuitton bag, the only thing you can ask is, "What size would you like?"
The art of hitting on chicks in Japan is called "nampa" in Japanese. The concept of copping an unwanted feel on a woman is called "chikan." The idea of an older salaryman dating a young girl (often high school, sometimes junior high!) for sex in exchange for money and gifts is called "enjo kosai." I tried looking up "ladies first" in my Japanese dictionary, but it gave me back "ladies first" in English.
In Japan, girly, effiminate men are considered to be manly, while buff, burly guys are considered to be gay. You might think this means that cute, girly girls are then lesbians, while boyish, tomboys are straight. But that's not the case at all. Everyone in Japan is a lesbian, except for gay men who are straight.
And of course, this was bound to happen. Az cracked.
Az-sama`s girlfrend is messing with his blog.I say sex punishment! And post pics...
Are you drunk?
Az, get some sleep. This looks like something I'd write if I were awake for 36+ consecutive hours. Still amusing, though.
Most of those are actually pretty good Like this one:
"If American men lust after Japanese women, and Japanese men think American women are beautiful...then who's lusting after the Spanish? I smell untapped potential here."
I smell signature potential. :D
Most excellent, Az.
Nah, lad-humour doesn't suit you. Though the bra and panties line made me laugh.
I love articles like this.
Really funny... thanks.
It's like Az channeled the spirits of three different short-joke comedians.
keep writing! people need to hear this.
What the fuck happened there!?
Some interesting insights :P
I emphatize...the longest I was in Japan (because of work...overtime and it was winter!) was six weeks and I was bonkers. Can you just imagine what years is doing to Az?!?
AZ, calm down. It will be ok. We're your friends and we're here to help. Take deep breath and go play Street Fighter Anniversary Edition for about 3 hours and call us in the morning. If that doesn't work, heed my words in reminding you that the new Transformers movie comes out next month. There, now doesn't it feel all better?
Zero
Alright people, own up: Who broke Az?
After his post on cosplay, I'm not surprised that Az cracked.
YOu wanted to shoot him with Glock? And I thought black americans carry 357's :-)
That was awesome.
They should give you a day off.
Am I the only one here who's familiar with Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts" as featured in books as well as Saturday Night Live? This is how we know Jack Handey's never been to Japan... because we'd have heard these things sooner.
Man, teeth or nails? Which made the injury? Wouldn't hurt giving us that much.
(Az's Note: Neither.)
I agree. SEX PUNISHMENT!
"I met a Japanese man once who asked me how many guns I had. I told him I didn't have any, but he insisted that I did because I was American, and that I was lying about it because I was black. I was so mad over being stereotyped like that, that I shot him with my glock."
Hahaha, nice. Now I need a similarly smart-assed response for the next time someone asks me if I'm a basketball player. Yes, there are 6-foot-2 black men in the world with no basketball skills. Hard to believe, isn't it?
Short, to the point, insightful.
The last one is what I agree with most considering I'm anything but girly which would make Japanese girls think I'm gay... I mean, what?
When I discovered the AV part I was quite disappointed... Where was the skin? The humping? The white showers? Cultural diversity indeed for pron.
It's a different format than you usually post but it's good nonetheless.
The sad thing is once you come to Japan, you have these SAME thoughts...omg...
"I met a Japanese man once who asked me how many guns I had. I told him I didn't have any, but he insisted that I did because I was American, and that I was lying about it because I was black. I was so mad over being stereotyped like that, that I shot him with my glock."
Died laughing at this one...do you know HOW MANY TIMES my students and friends have asked me about it???? I got asked "what gang are you in?" TODAY! So of course I told them I was a Blood and my gang was going to take over Japan.....
"In Japan, girly, effiminate men are considered to be manly, while buff, burly guys are considered to be gay. You might think this means that cute, girly girls are then lesbians, while boyish, tomboys are straight. But that's not the case at all. Everyone in Japan is a lesbian, except for gay men who are straight."
SOOO TRUE!!All Japanese women love breasts!!!Actually everyone in Japan does, but the women ARENT AFRAID of them!
He's lost it. I knew he would. That much moonspeak can cause a man to go truly, utterly insane.
That's it. We're comin' for you, brother, just hold on!
So Az, you too enjoy rolling around your room in your panties and bra? :)
This was weird! It kind of reminds me of Drinking For Two.
Hey, I guess it'd be kinda cool if these random little sentences / paragraphs appeared on non-article days, like on wednesdays and saturdays or somethin'.
So it IS oral!
Az your sanity has finally been broken I think you need some time in your bed rolling around trying to get that sanity back
Yeah, trying to create a bit of diversity on the archives is cracking, right Bast?
Why don't you just tell him which one of his stories is your favorite, so he can post it over and over again? Would that make you happy? He could even change a word or two in order to keep it fresh.
Amusing, but are you feeling alright, Az?
+1 for az turning japanese.. err, goin nuts.
dude, take a break and do a gaijin "hadookin" on those school kids. specially the ones that sit in the hall and finger fuck each other.
+1 for az turning japanese.. err, goin nuts.
dude, take a break and do a gaijin "hadookin" on those school kids. specially the ones that sit in the hall and finger fuck each other up the ass.
Jack Handy is some fantastic stuff. Gracias.
What the hell is this, are you high or something?
"YOu wanted to shoot him with Glock? And I thought black americans carry 357's :-)"
Perhaps he has a Glock 31 (chambered for .357 SIG)? =)
"Also, idol DVD's have taught me that Japanese girls really enjoy rolling around in their rooms in their bra and panties. ...I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one."
xD I do that too.
Az, you've cracked big time G and it's easy to see.
But on the real bro, I laughed as I read every row.
I feel your pains when you're trying to let everyone know it's different to live in japan.
Being black on top of that it's something we'll never understand.
It's alright, you still got your fans! keep those posts coming about that crazy ass land.
And when a 14 year old peeps you for a bag, buy it and then tap her after you wrap with a mag!
Cause as my daddy would say as he stands tall,
If theres grass in the field .. lets play ball!
The illest 4 letter word in the world is C-A-G-E!
This was not up to your usual standards, still not bad though.
I think you may need a vacation.
See, stuff like this is golden, we need more of insane-Az hehehe.
Cheers dude
-D
i lol'd
...
I'll send some postive thoughts in your direction, 'kay? I think you need them at this point. Perhaps it's time to come home and regain your sanity for a bit...?
どんだけー
Have you been smoking some crack up behind your ears again, Az?
~~If they ever got into a fight over a man, they could have a shootout at the Okei Corral.~~
Absolute 100% genius.
Umm....yeah. The Jack Handy thing doesn't work in written form, like it does when spoken in a stand-up routine. No idea what the tonal inflections should be in the written form.
Your writing is much better when you do a few paragraphs or sentences on a random subject, then move on; or when you give a full article about something that is happening/has happened in your school teacher experience. Even so, we should all give you credit for trying to broaden your literary horizons.
Keep writing & keep stretching; you might find yet another literary form that you excel in, as you do the ones mentioned above.
Simply brilliant. I kept going down the list thinking there's no way you can maintain the funny, yet you did. Like a black man ordering steak, well done.
Az, these sound weirdly like the thoughts I have when I'm in the dark because of a blackout. Ya know.... just sitting there letting your mind wander? Mmm..... just like that, but Japanese-flavored.
I wonder if thinking like this kept me from the good jobs? o_0
Sounds like you're having a rough week, kemosabe. Hang in there :).
Is everything alright with you, Az? We're worried!
Maybe all these one-liners are some kind of inside joke I didn't get. God, I hope so.
See, this is why JET ALTs usually go over with no Japanese at all - the language barrier is a gaijin safety precaution! It's like the safety switch on a gun!