So I started living with my girlfriend.
It was a really eye-opening experience for me. Y'see, there are a lot of things that guys just assume about living with girlfriends. I think one is that we'd get free and ready access to sex, whenever we wanted it. And I learned, that's just not the case.
For all the girls in the audience, let me explain - the male sex drive is about as random as a lucky Lotto number generator. We could be sitting all alone at home, watching Tiny Toons reruns on TV, when suddenly our sex drive comes flaring up. There's really no rhyme or reason to it at all - and don't think it's because we found Babs Bunny to be a hot little piece of rabbit ass (though, in her prime, she wasn't too bad...). If said guy lives alone, thanks to the power of the internet (which is for porn), we can take care of this situation ourselves. But, we always think, "Now, wouldn't it be nice if I had a girlfriend right here on call? No offence Mrs. Righticia Palmer, but there's just no substitute for the real thing." So we imagine that if our girlfriend were just there, we could turn to her and be like,
Guy: Whoa...suddenly I'm horny.
Girl: Oh really?
Guy: Yeah. Let's do it.
Girl: Okay, sure.
And if things were really that easy, the world would be a wonderful place, full of sunshine and flowers, where every kitchen tap poured out free Cherry Coke, and random people would just walk up to you on the street and give you money. Of course, things are never that easy. EVER. Naturally, I can't speak for all women, but with my girlfriend at least, she seems to have three very distinct sexual stages. The first was neutral. She wasn't particular horny, but if I did stuff - kissed here, touched there, I could jump-start the engines. The second was a stage I like to call "Siberian Tundra". Because it really didn't matter what I did, there was going to be no starting that fire. I'd have better luck trying to create a campfire in the middle of the Russian Wasteland, with only a book of matches, and my sweaty socks. The final stage is "Nuclear Fission". Regarding that stage, let me share with you all a little theory that I have.
Its a well-known fact that men are, in general, hornier than women. We want it all the time. If we don't want it, we can go from wanting it very, very easily. It doesn't take much - see a hot girl in sexy clothing. Just thinking about something sexual in nature. Imagining our favorite female friends/celebrities naked. Imagining ourselves in awesome sexual positions (threesome!). Successfully parrying all 15 hits of Chun-Li's kick super, then doing a jump-in combo into super for the match. Like I said, it doesn't take a whole lot to get us guys all revved up.
However, when a woman is all fired up...her sex drive is actually stronger than that of a man's. It's like the difference between a cigarette lighter, and a rocket ship. Not nearly as easy, but once you get it going that shit is hot. I say this, because, of several occasions, my girlfriend has actually raped me. It mostly happens in the morning, when I wake up to find that she has gotten the party started (and is halfway finished!) while I was still asleep. And that's always an interesting sensation. "Huh...wha...? Oh wow, this is a great dream. ...Waitaminute...I'm awake. Then, that means....THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" Fuck Folgers, THAT is the best part of waking up.
The ironic thing about my life though, is that my girlfriend's Nuclear Fission stage lasts for roughly two weeks...one of those being her period week. ...I'm not even gonna bother asking "Why God why", cause I know - he hate me. I don't think this kind of thing happens in other areas of my life...
Waiter: Sir, here's your menu...
Me: Thank you.
Waiter: But don't bother looking at it, because we're going to bring out a juicy prime cut steak, straight from Kobe.
Me: Oh wow, cool!
Waiter: With a side of potatoes, and a nice frosty beer to go with it.
Me: Hey, even better! But, how much is this going to cost me?
Waiter: Absolutely nothing. However, we are going dump this bucket of blood over your head as you eat.
Me: ...I can live with that.
Sometimes, gentlemen, you just gotta learn how to sail those Crimson Seas.
But that Siberian Tundra week (sometimes two) is always kinda hard. A lot of women just don't understand the special needs of men, and many actually *make things worse* for the poor guy...
Guy: Hey, let's have sex.
Girl: Sorry, not in the mood.
Guy: ..........Ok. *goes off*
Girl: ...Hey! Are you jacking off! Are you watching porn?! OMG, stop that!
Guy: Why?
Girl: Why do you need that stuff? You have me.
Guy: Okay, then lets have sex.
Girl: Not in the mood.
Guy: Ok, then I'm gonna go flog the dolphin.
Girl: You do, and I'm gonna be pissed.
Guy: *cries from the depths of his soul*
Luckily, my girlfriend isn't difficult in that regard.
Me: Let's have sex.
Girl: Sorry, not in the mood.
Me: Okay, I'm going to go jack off then.
Girl: Have fun. What porn are you gonna watch?
Me: I dunno...something lesbian?
Girl: Okay. If you download any new straight stuff, let me know and I'll come watch.
Fucking sweet.
It's made even better by the fact that she hates Japanese porn almost as much as I do. Yep, she's an American porn only girl.
Girl: I dunno, there's something about Japanese porn that just makes it disgusting. That shit's not sexy at all.
Me: Thank you.
Girl: American porn is much better. ...Although, it doesn't really look like sex. It looks more like....sports.
Me: That, my dear, is how non-Japanese people have sex.
Girl: Wow, the girl actually moves!
But I have learned a lot from living with my girlfriend. And yes, I do pull my share. At least, I do now. I've learned to look at it like a mission. You know, like Hiro Nakamura. "Save the cheerleader, save the world!" Except in my case, it's "Clean the dishes, satisfy my penis!" Just as important.
And finally, reading the comments from the last post, there were a few girls who said that they were hornier than their boyfriends, and were sometimes sexually frustrated. For the girls who said that - can you tell me more about this Bizarro World you live in? Like, if you called a computer technical support line, do you speak to people who actually know stuff about computers? Is black licorice delicious over there? Is Avril Lavigne a talented singer? Does everyone have an evil goatee? Please, do share.
"Sometimes, gentlemen, you just gotta learn how to sail those Crimson Seas."
The imagery this blogs brings to me will be with me forever...
no mater how i try to forget.
*wimper*
I'm crazy horney right before and during my period, too. I really have no idea why, but I'm pretty sure that most chicks are due to the estrogen or someshit like that.
But still, yes it sucks. ><
For parrying all 15 hits of Chun-Li's kick super, you just need to train like Daigo does. Its easy, just try it.
[Quote]However, when a woman is all fired up...her sex drive is actually stronger than that of a man's. It's like the difference between a cigarette lighter, and a rocket ship. Not nearly as easy, but once you get it going that shit is hot. I say this, because, of several occasions, my girlfriend has actually raped me. It mostly happens in the morning, when I wake up to find that she has gotten the party started (and is halfway finished!) while I was still asleep. And that's always an interesting sensation. "Huh...wha...? Oh wow, this is a great dream. ...Waitaminute...I'm awake. Then, that means....THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" Fuck Folgers, THAT is the best part of waking up.[/Quote]
Umm.... is it even considered rape if you willingly go along with it anyway? o_0
Heh.... sailing the crimson tide. Those are treacherous waters, my friend XD .
My girlfriend, also japanese, was so surprised by how American porn actually involved both sides of the party participating that she started downloading her own videos to study from.
Anyone who dates a Japanese girl for any significant period of time needs to introduce american porn into the relationship.
"Why God why", cause I know - he hate me
Nice XFL reference.
you can swim in the lake as long as you don't drink
the water.
"thanks to the power of the internet (which is for porn)"
Avenue Q fan, are ya?
I'm horny around my period too D:
Crimson Sailor reporting for duty! And I've also earned my combat wings! We're in it to win it sir!
Carry on!
you think you're the only frustrated one?
Try being mad horny without a boyfriend during your period. I don't care how bad it is, some things in this world are not to be touched unless absolutely necessary, although wanking is sometimes a necessity for completing my day, no lie.
Hoorah for that double x-chromosome -.-
Not only is my soon to be wife hornier around her period, she is always horny, ALWAYS. I live in the bizarro world (and its great)!
yeah man, that streetfighter game was awesome!
I would be one of those girls who is almost always hornier than her boyfriend. It gets pathetic sometimes though, like I'll almost be literally crawling on him and pawing at him going "Pleeease? I waaaant it," and he'll say he can't, he's too tired! Huh?!
We live 60 miles apart, so we only see each other once a week, and dang it, I like to make that time count! Alas, he is not a Crimson Sailor, so I end up having to entertain myself...which just isn't the same 'cause, like other girls here, my monthly is one of my horniest times! Fortunately, I get to take out my frustration on him the next time I see him, so it's a win/win overall ^_^
I've come to the conclusion that the true trigger for males is breathing. The desire to nail something is like an affirmation of life, second only to a pulse..in some cases not second..
Meeeeh my gf also gets very horny just before her period. It made me experience something I thought never to be possible but we reached the level of me not wanting sex for the rest of that week. My brain is going idiots send some blood over here come on man this is not funny anymore.
Evil goatee for the win.
Ah the good old days where the only differences between the hero and villain (same actor) are facial hair and a sash. There has to be a sash. What else will catch the blood from the kitten they killed to prove they're evil? Then they can complain about how they now have to wash their sash, making them that much more evil for being petty in the face of furry death.
Better to be in your shoes now than mine. Imagine post b*tch-ex with no Moeko.
I am completely not squicked out by period sex. The only thing that can stop things is when Jen hurts too much for anything beyond my going down on her. *heh* That sort of thing just seems like a part of the cycle to me. But I so dont go in for other waste products. Go fig.
Oh, and you girls who are frustrated by being frustrated...? Yeah, give me your numbers. Im pretty much constantly hornier than twelve 17-year-old guys. :)
I don't know about other guys, but I lost interest in sex with my then-girlfriend a little while before we broke up. She was hot and all, but I was starting to not like her, so just didn't feel like it any more. It confused me as much as it did her.
Okay, some day I want to live in Japan for a bit and teach (I've been planning this for a while, might be an interesting process considering taboo's because...) I'm a lesbian. If I actually get any tail, I'll try my best to get a hold of you. I owe you at least a picture for how much your blogs make me laugh. [Response to the "TAKE PICTURES!!!" comment by you a blog or so ago]. I'm not "butch" either, so +1 if you're into femmes.
And about hornyness(sp?); I keep a fucking masturbation chart because people didn't believe me when they'd ask "How often?" and I'd say "A lot". Now I got numbers. I never realized how fun numbers could be until I started averaging how often, how long, and all the other cool questions answerable by charting these things.
(Az's Note: OMGCOMETOJAPANANDTAKEPICTURES!!!!
I think my brain just exploded from trying to wrap my head around everything in this post.)
I have a korean girlfriend, and to be honest, she's horrible at it. Horrible. I mean, there's the "lay there and do nothing" phase, which most asian women find preferable to doing anything, but she takes it a step further. When I try to talk dirty, or try to get any sort of response from her, she will say the same line EVERY time. Every time. That's gotta be the biggest turnoff since tentacle porn.
Nothing wrong with a little red tide now and again - but I think most of those who get a great kick out of your updates are the same ones who would probably be more than happy to have the japanese girlfriend. Rare enough to find a woman that admits to liking porn, but one who has no issue with you enjoying it as well? That's bonus points.
erojiji should wait until her wife to be becomes her wife, I'm guessing she'll be less horny :p
Personally, I've never had a boyfriend who minded sex during my periods, even oral sex (on me, obviously). For "regular" sex, it gives some extra lubrication, which is always nice. Plus, when a girl is horny, you have to take advantage of it or you'll be really sorry afterwards. It doesn't happen that often for most women. We have a natural cycle, after all.
By the way, I don't mind my boyfriend watching porn, but only when I'm the one starring in it. He seems to prefer that too, anyways.
This was funny. I enjoyed the comments about as much too.
Another one of the hornier girls. My sex drive is higher than most mens....unless I'm sick, completely exhausted (like I just walked/climbed up Mt Fuji and back...ah hell, who am I kidding, it doesnt matter)so unless I'm sick....I'm ALL for it. Do you know how sad it is to be in Nuclear Fission all most of the time and HE'S too tired or not in the mood?!?!? I lived with him, I'm supposed to be able to jump him at ALL times (unless surfing the crimson wave or sick)Being single....frustration brings on whole new meaning in Japan. dammit....what happened to the gigalos??? I feel you erojiji....I go through entirely too many batteries....
(Az's Note: Okay...so you have big 'ol titties, AND you're always in Nuclear Fission? Good God woman, it's like you are trying to *kill* me...)
"The Internet is for PORN!
The Internet is for PORN!
Grab your dick
and double-click
for PORN, PORN, PORN!!!"
Ah, Avenue Q.
And I feel for you, Az - these comments are blowing my mind as well. o_O; You should start making more posts about how women aren't as horny as men.
Curtis Cage Returns!
Az, big 'ol titties .. DUDE! it's Tig 'Ol Bitties!!!!
But yeah dude, feel lucky you found one of those middle of the road chicks.
problem with chicks being nuclear reactor mode all the time is, if you can't give it to them when they want it a few times ... they will find someone who can.
Had me an italian, sexy little thing, loved having it during that special week too.
sometimes work would wear me out a bit and I just couldn't get enough blood from my tired brain to give to the cause.
a few times of that and the next time I hit the keylogger and she's already cybering some dude and making plans for real life meets.
so fuck bizarro world, those chicks are the wrong ones and the ones who would/could be loyal despite such sexual drive are far and few between
(had a latin the same way, same deal where *I* was the one used for cheating and lets not get me going on my teenage days with the neighborhood MILFS/MIDF)
a ho don't know shes a ho till she finally looking at deaths door
My ex never wanted to have sex. It was frustrating, because he SAID he wanted to do it, but when I wanted to "get it on", he just started watching tv or something. How stupid is that.
Oh well, I can download gayporn or something so it's not *that* bad.
Az, you're going to love this one:
Maybe I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, but when I was a teenager, I decided to do what has since become an annual ritual. I gave myself the number of Big O's (in one sitting) corresponding to my age...It all started as a little challenge to myself, and over the years, it has become somewhat of a legend among me and my partners. Every year on my birthday, I add one more Big O! I gradually work up to the magical number by "practicing" throughout the preceding year...no horniness cycle here...There were times when I'd challenge my partner to meet or beat (no pun intended) my number, but so far...I'm the Big O Queen! My birthday is next month, and I've been gearing up for it. Wish me luck; I'll be turning 43.
Could someone please explain me why if your girlfriend rapes you it is great, but if it is the other way around you end up in jail? Is is an hormonal thing? A size thing (since women are on average smaller)? or are the people in the bizarro world already sending emails to Azrael advocating him to press charges as soon as posible? O_o;
Note to self: Bring porn when going to Japan.
You know what? Sometimes I like sleeping in. But no, oh noooo...'she' has to wake me up and expect me to perform.
Don't get me wrong, I like it? But lemme sleep in once in awhile.
And fuck the Tundra, seriously Jeff.
Add me to the list of constantly horny girls. My boyfriend lives over a hundred miles away and I only see him every couple of weeks, so on those weekends it's sex, sex, sex!
And luckily for him, due to my birth control I only get my period four times a year. Thank heavens for that pill.
sweet. maybe when i become 20+ years old women will work that way - for now most are just plain bitchy.
You know... it could be worse...
I have a gf who indeed gets horny a lot quicker than I do and all I have to do to get her in the mood is simply say 3 words.
However, this blessing comes with a curse, I live in Europe while she lives in the US >_O
It's awesome here in Bizarro World. Over here, Michael Jackson lives in a nice townhouse, he doesn't have children sleeping over all the time, he doesn't have a freaking zoo in his backyard, and he doesn't take vacations in Bahrain after his acquittal in child molestation charges.
Also, he's still black.
Seems your girl is polarized when it comes to hornyness, either completely off or completely on, no middle ground to work with. Trust me it sucks lol. Iunno if this works for anyone else, but it seems to me if you remind your girl friend of say, supper happy sex fun days, like the next week while they're frosty, they'll think about it, and remember its goooood. Then if you leave them to their own devices, they can make them selves horny and they'll come around.
PS: This is for Az, I checked the wiki for 'I am a Japanese School Teacher'. I know you usually dont mention either your name or the names of the people in your stories - which i think is very professional of you - so i thought i'd mention that the wiki has your name in it. ( i assume they didnt just make one up ) Just thought i'd mention it.
I always liked your writing pertaining to the differences in guys, girls, and everything in between. (pun intended)
Your old "Death of a Nice guy" or whatever they were titled were good man, and it's very similar to PUA thinking, which made me curious about you in the first place.
Cheers, from your old fans at OP9.
- Masa
Our computer tech-support seems to know what they're talking about here; Black licorice is always delicious; Avril Lavigne might be a hack, but we don't see her as a talentless hack; And I have a contagious goatee. After I grew one, two other people also decided to grow one. And I seem to have been let into some unspoken pact between the goateed people of the country.
I still get no tail. Perhaps it is me, or perhaps the logic of the female sex drive tracends that of bizzaro land logic.
It just makes sense that you'd be a fan of Heroes, how do you get it over there?
This is very educational for me. I guess the age old "treat women like they're above you" chat you got from your mom is finally just croaking on ya.
It's a good thing I'm blind and won't be able to see it when the time comes... but you can smell blood a mile away... ah well.
sometimes my gf scares me when she gets to horny. she starts dry humping me. i feel so violated. This site, nuklearpower, and CTRLALTDEL is the only time I can get away from her thank you
Pissy mode off.
Then I trip her over my knee and spank that ass. Some of her footprints on the ceiling and breakanew chair. And just because the river is closed doesn't mean the raft ride is broken and ass and mouth is nice too.
Ha, yeah, it's gotta be a hormonal thing, cuz I get real horny just the week before my period and during that week too. And then it goes away right after those two weeks. If I were you, Az, I'd start learning her cycle so you're rarin' to go when she is!
"Sometimes, gentlemen, you just gotta learn how to sail those Crimson Seas." do you mean you...? when she was...? EWWWWWW!!! is the even.. even EWWWW!!!
"you can swim in the lake as long as you don't drink
the water."
EWWWW!! don't even...like... with.... if you want to drink someone's blood cut there wrists or something. it might be a little sadomasochistic and if you've not carfull you might be stuck with a corps. but at least it's not completely gross.
My last girlfriend was constantly horny, and most of the time even hornier than me. Sometimes we could have sex five or six times a day when we didn't have anything else to do - and she still begged for more, even when I was totally exhausted!
Well, since both of us were bisexual, and since we had the same taste both in women and in men (she likes the same porn that I do), we started having threesomes with both boys and girls, until one day, we met a boy who was hornier than me, who actually matched her level of libido. Since he was very cute, and I wanted his dick as much as I wanted my girlfriend's pussy, we stuck together for a month - until I just couldn't keep up with their level of sexual performance anymore, and the girl told me she loved him more than me. :-(
Well, they're still together, and I still like them. Somehow we managed to stay friends. But since I'm not really into casual sex, I haven't had much dick or pussy in the meantime...
Your XFL reference did not go unnoticed, sir. Well-played.
I once lived with an ex bf who WASN'T horny at all. But then he did come out as gay later so I Guess that makes all the difference. HAHA. Oh burn on me.
Just wondering:
evil goatee...??
Was that by any chance a reference to PvP online?
If not, I strongly suggest you read it (online comic - majorly video game related).
It has some of the best geek references I've read (except here of course).
Don't worry Az, the whole Nuclear-Fission-during-period thing is natural. I'm yet to meet a woman who doesn't turn into a slavering sex-crazed beast during those days. I'm guessing it's something to do with some kind of primal heat stages; I mean it makes sense, sex drive flares when reproduction is possible. Which also explains the male's permanent heat. Damn, I should be a scientist or something.
I know what you mean though. My God, I've never been more turned on than when I beat the final boss of God Hand on Hard Mode without resorting to YMK spam. XD
Yes, everyone does have an evil goatee in this strange world of Hornier Than Boyfriend.
Also, newborn kittens are disgustingly ugly. :\
It ceases being rape the moment you say you enjoy it.