Usually, when JET ends, the war-weary soldier goes back to their home country with a nice ticket paid for by the Japanese government. I figure this is either a "thanks for your efforts" gesture, or a "hurry up and get the hell out of our country before you do any more damage" kind of thing. For some JETs, I lean towards the latter. At any rate, just the fact that JET pays for the return ticket home, kind of assumes that the retired school teacher actually does go home. While this is generally the case, there are a select few, thoroughly crazed and mentally unstable folks who decide that three years of Japanese torture *just* wasn't quite enough.
Guess which camp I belong to, eh?
I won't try to excuse my insanity, I'm fully aware of it. I will say though that there wasn't anything in particular pulling me back to America, and I seemed to have a few good reasons to stay in Japan. So I did. A simple decision based on pros and cons. But, me staying in Japan would mean that I would have to find a job in Japan, for as you can imagine commuting to and from America everyday would not only be a bitch, but would be The Biggest Bitch in Human History. Even greater a bitch than Kyle's mom. As Japan is the most expensive country in the known universe (I think even God gets taxed here - which is probably why the majority of Japanese people are Buddhist), of course I had to work. The Japanese government wasn't just going to give me money for being in Japan. ...Actually, wait, no, they did. It's just that my time at JET ended, so now I was going to have to do actual work for less money. Bummer.
So, I had to go on the job hunt. More specifically, I had to go on the Japanese job hunt. Not like your ordinary job hunt, no no. As a Gaijin, you have to find a job that's either specifically directed towards Gaijin, or find a way to convince a Japanese person that you are just as capable as - if not more than - all the other Japanese people who are applying for the job. ...I imagine this is a lot like trying to convince a seven-year-old that the carrot you're waving in front of him is much more delicious and mouth-watering than the Oreo cookie he's holding. If I were female, blond, and had a nice set of D-rack tits, I could probably get a job as a Japanese rocket scientist. Not that I could do rocket science, much less rocket science in Japanese, but at least the guys could enjoy putting me in a skirt, having me make coffee for them everyday, and fantasizing about having brief, emotionless sex with me without ever doing anything to achieve that goal. But no, as a black male, I didn't really have much to offer except a fresh dark-meat cock-slap to the face. And while I'm sure they would have loved the opportunity to measure the imprint left behind, it's not quite enough to land me any decent jobs.
So, as with any good job hunt, first I had to find out exactly what it was I could do in Japan...
-- More English Teaching - What does a person do if they can't speak the native language and have no real marketable skills? Why, teach of course! Especially English teaching in Japan - it's a profession that really only asks you to be a native speaker, have a pulse, and not be a total fucktard. Even then, many English teachers here only manage to meet two of these three requirements (you get to have the fun of guessing which two).
Of course, seeing as how I'd been an English teacher for three whole years, I wasn't quite jumping at the bit for this one.
Not that I have anything against English teaching, don't get me wrong. It's just that, given the opportunity, there were other career paths I might like to explore before taking another English teaching job. Like, for example, putting on a sexy female elephant suit and entering the elephant cages to clean up Gary Coleman-sized piles of steaming elephant shit during peak mating season. Or, you know, becoming a tester of the new A1 Steak Sauce-scented cologne, exclusively for rodeo clowns.
If you should know of any openings in these lucrative and groundbreaking fields, please shoot me an email at certifiablyinsane@ridiculouslyhorriblewaystodie.com. I suppose, if I am unable to make any good progress in this career path, then perhaps I shall consider English teaching again.
--Gaijin Actor - I believe my hatred for Bobby, as well as any other Gaijin who makes a fool of themselves on Japanese TV, is well known. But you know, it isn't all bleak. There are plenty of other roles on TV for us Gaijin. Beat Takeshi has a show on Thursdays that regularly features Gaijin actors. The best part - no actual acting ability is even required! These "actors" have all the acting ability of a turnip. And not even a fresh one.
I have occasionally seen a Gaijin pop up on the evening dramas. Again, check any potential acting ability at the door. There was this one where a white dude went to this woman's remote little mountain home, and proudly exclaimed to her traditional and overbearing Japanese father - "Boku wa Hana-san no akachan no papa desu." Trans: "I am the father of Hana-san's baby." ...He wasn't really the father. It was just a heroic gesture to show how much he cared for Hana and was willing to take care of her and the baby. However, the actor delivered these lines with so much emotion and excitement, that coma patients all over Japan actually bored AWAKE. The Razzies should never come to Japan. They'd run out of awards.
If TV isn't quite your thing, I suppose there's always karaoke videos. I'm sure I've ranted on this before, but instead of *just* getting the lyrics across the screen, there has to be some video as well. Quite a few involve Gaijin. I'm not quite sure how to break into the Gaijin Karaoke Video business, but if I could, I'd be able to have 4 1/2 minutes of flat and emotionless relationships with only moderately attractive girls, as they play on the beach in their bikinis, and I toss my locks around and try to look tormented as I wail on my air-guitar. ...With the horrible videos and off-key singing, I'm somewhat amazed karaoke is actually popular. I've never seen an activity where humans actually pay to torture themselves. Unless you count all the people who paid to see Dana Carvey's The Master of Disguise in theaters, because that certainly does count.
-- Gaijin Male Day Whore -Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking. Hear me out first.
As I mentioned in this editorial, I was shocked to read in a Lonely Planet book that there were groups of female Japanese tourists seeking out African male prostitutes in Thailand. Additionally, a survey of sexual satisfaction by country ranked Japan dead last. So obviously, there's a market for a little Sexual Healing, and definitely some curiosity for that Gaijin Chocolate.
This would be the best deal. Go break off some Japanese housewife in the afternoon (and a lot of Japanese housewives are still pretty decent, well into their 40s/50s), be home in time for dinner. I mean, honestly, I get paid, maybe possibly we help Japan with its sexual satisfaction problems...fuckin'a, everyone's a winner. I wouldn't hate, I'd service my foreign sisters as well. It has been far too long since I've had any domestic ass.
My master plan had two flaws though. One was that, I don't think my girlfriend would have been too supportive of this career choice. Granted, I never talked to her about it...but it just seemed like one of those things that would have been a bad idea. The second snag was that I had no idea how to go about doing this. If there's a Japanese version of Craigslist, I just don't know it. It's not something I really wanted to ask about either. Nor did it seem like something I could advertise with a few fliers at the train station. "Want to get the sexual impaling of a lifetime? Just call 090... ....Ask about our special Christmas discount rates!"
I still maintain that this would have been genius. Obviously, Japanese women aren't getting it. And I knew quite a few foreign women here who hit a serious dry spell. Mostly because they expected to just sit around and wait for some guy to hit on them, and that's just not how things work in Japan for women, no no no. Gaijin girls have to go out and get their meat. There's no sushi boat that'll just float by with your choice of prime penis just lined up. No, you gotta go out and get it girl. The girls who couldn't wrap their heads around that had a, uh, frustrating time in Japan. And for whatever reason, they were usually always American. Coincidence? You make the call.
So yeah, entrepreneurial gold mine, but I really don't know how to go about setting that one up. If you guys have any ideas, please email me at noseriously@hookabrothaup.com.
***
Unfortunately, I didn't have the time to sit down and map out my next move. My work visa was running out - I had to find *something,* anything where someone would sponsor me. I kept a sharp eye out for that steak sauce rodeo clown cologne tester job, but incredibly enough, no offers came my way. In order to have a job by the time my visa ran out so I could continue living (legally) in Japan, I did the one thing I never hoped I'd had to do again.
...So, yeah...remember that editorial where I said, "I am no longer a Japanese school teacher?" ...Well, I lied. Looks like I'm in for another tour of duty. This time, two junior high schools in Osaka Prefecture. I have to take the job to extend my visa - and I guess I'll work it until I find something better, or I hit the breaking point and decide that - hey - who needs an apartment and food? I'll sleep on the streets and eat the vermin that crawl by!
And NOW do you blame me for wanting to become a male day whore? Hey, at least with the Japanese housewives I won't have to worry about any fingers or other foreign objects trying to head up my ass. ...Not unless I want to. And I can almost promise you, I don't.
Two new junior high schools, here I come. ...God help me.
Haha, fantastic!
Yeah! Unemployed is the way I like to do it too.
Oh man.. and here i was waiting to get to read about your sexual conquest of Nippon. But seriously, even though your work was a living hell sometimes, as expressed in your editorials, there were good times too, yeah? You had Sweetness, you had Moeko, and you had bunch of other kids who weren't total asses and actually behaved themselves. And imagine if you spent few years away from teaching and then returned to it... your Ascended senses would have rusted and you would have been violated in that certain foul way. Now you should go full-out Onizuka and tattoo "Teacher for life" to your arm. And name yourself GTA, Great Teacher Azrael.. that'll give the kids a laugh... maybe even put on a blonde wig... :p
Good luck and whatever you do, don't go mad(der)!
Oh god, Az! You just slay me. In return for making my day, allow me to assist with your advertising ideas.
"Get your Gaijin Chocolate at 1-800-BONE-YA!"
Wow, the saga continues....
Out of the frying pan and into the oven. or something like that. I hope these new schools will be as interesting as the last.
Alright! Back in rare form! keep it up and keep'em coming Az!
And if you find out how to break into that Gaijin Male Day Whore business....hook a brotha up and shoot me that info too.....I am sure there are enough unsatisfied Japaneses housewives to go around....
Good joke Az. You got us all with the previous statements or ideas of no longer being a teacher. I'm ready for the new stuff!
Good luck man!
chomping at the bit.... not jumping. you know, like a horse.
Another term? Forgive me for asking but have you by any chance been affected by the Japanese penchant for suffering? Anyway insanity aside I look forward to reading more in the future. And yes, for all it's worth, God help you.
Can you get your work visa extended for whoring? I'm picturing Japanese housewives gratefully stamping your passport to give you another hour in Japan... just long enough to find and service the next one.
Cool. Two new schools, means new students and different stories.
It's like Gaijin Smash: The Osaka Chronicles.
heh once I started reading those last paragraphs, I thought "Oh God" even though I expected it. Well I hope you have already found out how to set that up. Then again if you ever did find that out, I would really hope that you will not post anything about that job in coming articles XD
As I said, the legend continues.
Good luck for your new (old) career,
I'm sure you make it!
Just believe that God actually is in your debt for the past tree years.
Take care
Belthasar2
From all the editorials you have written, I thought you actually liked being an English teacher. I didn't realize you hated it so much; that doesn't come through in your writings. Anyway, I am surprised you are still teaching. On your outpostnine forum, I thought I recalled you saying you worked for a Japanese online merchandise company. Can't remember for sure. Guess that storyline will be revealed after the break so stay tuned and don't touch that dial! Loved this editorial. The things you talk about probably sound mundane and everyday to you, but to someone who has never lived in Japan, it is very informational; a glimpse into a culture unlike anything you'll never read about in Lonely Planet. I'll be sure to go out and get my meat and not wait for the sushi boat to pass by. ;)
(Az's Note - Awesome, I love it when people actually listen to me.
And English teaching...it was fun for awhile, but you get to a point where you just tire of it. Especially if its not your career path to become a teacher.)
Yay!! Glad to hear that you are in for another round of ritual humiliation and torture.... well, if only for the edification of your loyal readers! I cannot wait to find out which end of the spectrum the two new schools are - Ghetto or School of Peace!
In preparation for your first day at the new schools, perhaps you should pop to the local hair salon and ask for a "B.A." hairdo, buy a shitload of gold necklaces and a pair of tasteful dungerees... then walk into class muttering "Pity the fool"... the OMG WTF factor should keep the kids at bay for a lifetime.
As for the Gaijin Male Day Whore dream job.... you wish!
Awesome. The story continues.
Yay!! Glad to hear that you are in for another round of ritual humiliation and torture.... well, if only for the edification of your loyal readers! I cannot wait to find out which end of the spectrum the two new schools are - Ghetto or School of Peace!
In preparation for your first day at the new schools, perhaps you should pop to the local hair salon and ask for a "B.A." hairdo, buy a shitload of gold necklaces and a pair of tasteful dungerees... then walk into class muttering "Pity the fool"... the OMG WTF factor should keep the kids at bay for a lifetime.
As for the Gaijin Male Day Whore dream job.... you wish!
So this is how far you'll go so you won't have to live with your parents again? I understand that, but not enough to go back in the trenches. Here's hoping you get a bunch of meek kids with no knowledge of or curiosity about kancho or dick-dodging.
It's also no coincidence that Western hemisphere women have relationship problems in the East if some websites I've seen and a certain "fan" of yours have anything to say about it. I can't stop laughing at your master plan to become a male gigolo for all the frustrated Japanese women out there. If your plan is a success and you plan to make a career out of this, there's also the problem of running into one of your former female students during business hours. That would be hilarious for everybody else except you and it would be something God would do to you for going down that path.
And they keep sucking you back in...You shoulda made a break for it. Also first post get! W00t!
Az, I am truly sorry...
Just when you think that you're done, they pull you back in.
Ouch man.
Dude... your back!
Wait, so you've become a Japanese School Teacher for a glorious round 2!? I've read that paragraph like 10 times already, and I almost can't believe it! This just made my day. Seriously, It's like I believe in Santa again.
you're back teaching. that's great news for us.
too bad for you that it is not the job that you wanted. better luck next time, if god will ever give you a break :)
Aaaahahahahahaa~! Another year of English-teaching for you! ...I probably shouldn't laugh too hard, though, as it turns out I'll be doing something similar in China next school year. ;_;
Yay first post!!!
That day man whore job sounds perfect, just go up to random japanese women and be like "Hey...$100 (equivalent to yen of course) and my monster can be yours." I am sure your girlfriend would understand it to since it has so many benefits for japan...and she has to be able to relate to the other women since I am sure she had her dry spells to!
Hard times, my man.
I'd go whore myself out though.
As clear and concise an argument for mercy killing as I have ever heard
In all honesty, I was not expecting that at all.
Thats nice and all your back on the School teacher. But if your interested i can REALLY tell you how to spit some game Gigolo style. You just have to be up to it and not be pussy whipped by your chick. Just reply if you want to know the True steps on how to Gigolo the old Broads.
(Az's Note - like I said, hook a brotha up. =P )
thing 1
and Chocolatethunder
Good luck at your "new" job Az.
Looking forward to the new editorials!
Dude, craigslist has a tokyo section.
I could see you going Urien on Japanese housewives and canceling into Gaijin Reflector.
(Az's Note - Yeah, I live in Kyoto.
rofl @ Gaijin Reflector. YOU WANT PAIN? GAIJIN REFLECTOR!)
Hmmm.. That would be a great business to start. Gaijin Gigolos R US. If you ever get the permit to do this, let me know. I'm an unemployed, college educated (Twice, even!) American male who wouldn't mind the work. I'm sure you could do it all by yourself, but with some assistants, you'll never run into a former student.
So, how hard is it for a gaijin to get a Japanese business permit?
I noticed the "Day whore" because I was staring at the other updates, so when I scrolled up. So "Bow wow chicka-wicka-wow-wow" was running through my head for the entire reading of this article.
Poor Az...returning to the mayhem...I feel your pain. I just put in the paperwork to renew my contract for another year....at least I dont get kanchoed......*knocks on wood*
Oh,one more thing, its not just American girls that go through the dry spell and spend an..."frustrating" time here. I have female friends from ALL countries experiencing this same suffering. Now, granted I am American and I AM bold..and a flirt....You fail to mention that going after it DOESNT guarentee "satisfaction" hell, it doesnt even guarentee he wont run away. Japanese men (in general) are VERY shy, and terrified of a woman approaching them. (I think 34E is beyond their imagination...then again....the things I've seen...)Even the Japanese women complain about how shy the men are! If I was blond and caucasian, I'd have them proposing marriage (or kidnapping me to work in the Yakuza sex rings.....or just asking me to work in porn...)but alas, nope. If you arent going to be a gigalo, know any? lol...
(Az's Note - Who said I *wasn't* going to be a gigalo?" ;)
Just remember Chris Titus's words:
"The normal make a living, the deranged make history."
So live up the insanity and go make history, amigo. If nothing else, it's going to make one hell of a story.
I hear there's a high demand for translators.. at least in Austrailia, not sure about Japan.
This is totally selfish, but I'm really happy I get to hear more about the next psycho generation (unless, of course, you retire from writing about kids). Maybe you could be a gigolo on the side?
I'm somewhat conflicted. On the one hand, I sort of hope that you'll be there long enough that when I begin my tour of duty as an ALT in 2-3 years -- preferably in Osaka -- there will be an astronomically low but nonetheless positive chance that I'd randomly encounter you. On the other hand, I fear lest you'd be completely assimilated/insane (same thing, right?) by then.
lol, did you try going to those places where they have male escorts entertaining old ladies?
[If your plan is a success and you plan to make a career out of this, there's also the problem of running into one of your former female students during business hours. That would be hilarious for everybody else except you and it would be something God would do to you for going down that path.]
God would send Sweetness.
Hi Az,
I was just wondering, you said that you learnt Japanese during university. I dont know much about american universities, but in the UK most degrees take three years. Which means that you were able to speak fluent Japanese well enough to live out there on your own in just three years. Thats amazing. Ive been learning French for 5 years and Im as fluent in French as Stephen Hawking is in Swahili.
Are there any sites, tips, tricks or books that you can recommend to someone who wants to learn Japanese?
Yours sincerly
~Fellow 6-3 black man from England UK
Hi. I`m a Bulgarian high-school student soon to be graduating and entering the world of pain that is uni entry exams here. Should I say I`m a hopeless Japanophile as well. I`ve been through anime (add brainwashed) flooding my friend`s skypes with J-rock and intermixing Bularian English and Japanese in the same sentence repeatedly over the course of 6 months now. Addict is the word but since I have little else in my pathetic miserable life here in BG I am on the path of becoming a Japanese Medical Student (JMS?!) and after that hopefully Japanese Plastic Surgeon (if you follow my line of thought I`ve also struck a gold mine with that particular pratice;).
So I`m writing this to thank you for all your effort into enlighting us hopeless otakus for the real Japan`s backstage of life. Thank you for everything you`ve done for us. Thank you for beeing strong when it`s so easy to surrender to life`s difficulties. Thank you for beeing an example that dreams can come true even though you may sometimes be regretfull of your choice to live in Japan.
If luck goes my way I will be filling out entry papers for a Japanese university sometime in April 08. So far as we do the best we are capable of can we expect for mirracles to happen. I wish the same to you.
*Two new junior high schools, here I come. ...God help me.*
god tried to help you with free tickets back to the states... and what did you do??? you hit him in the face with his own offer.... oh how you shall pay
:P
Az start out making some videos with your missus. if you can find someone to distribute them, of course it aint no tentacle porn ( theres just one big black one) but theres still bound to be enough buyers to keep you there. or if you have to sell them yourself how about the bathhouses. hahahaha or take up some puppetry of the penis. That'll make it onto TV there.
Welcome back... to the stage of history!
Well at least now you are a teacher rather then an alt, and that means you are no longer powerless to deal with the bastard kids.