Gaijin Smash Original Content
I got sick the night of December 30th. I shouldn't even have to tell you, this is an awful time to get sick. It pretty much ensures that come New Years, the only horn you're going to be blowing is your own. So yes, I welcomed 2007 hacking up sexy bits of phlegm and fondly remembering back when my nose was more than just a facial decoration.
Getting sick in Japan is usually a bad deal. In America, we can buy wonderful meds over the counter which are as about as potent as Wilt Chamberlain in his prime. Our cold/flu viruses don't stand a chance. Unfortunately in Japan, over the counter meds pack all the punch of an asthmatic girl scout. You pretty much have to go to the doctor in order to get medicine that will actually do something, and even then it's medicine made for Japanese people so the cold/flu ends up lingering around longer than it ever should.
Given all my other stellar experiences with Japanese doctors, suffice it to say I didn't want to go. However, my girlfriend insisted, and with my birthday only two weeks after New Years, I didn't want to chance the sniffles raining down on my birthday paraade. I bit the bullet and went to the hospital. ...Which was actually OK this time around. I got a nice doctor who spoke English - he'd done a fellowship in Maryland or something, and prescribed me medicine. Great.
The problem came when I went back for my checkup. Thanks to the meds, I was feeling better, but still had a nasty cough, and was feeling far more tired than usual. Unfortunately, the nice, English speaking doctor I'd seen the first time wasn't there. Instead, I got some crusty old dude. I have to stress here that this conversation really actually took place. I mean, I know I say that a lot, but this feels like one of those conversations I'd make up to emphasize a point, except it's not fiction, it actually did happen.
Doc: So, how are you feeling?
Me: Better, but I still have a terrible cough and am experiencing fatigue.
Doc: I see. Hmm. *checks my file...then pulls out a calculator to do some math* I see you're a little overweight.
Me: *annoyed* I could probably stand to lose a few kilos, sure, but anyway, about the coughing and fatigue...
Doc: This isn't good. Have you tried dieting?
Me: *more annoyed* I eat balanced meals and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. Anyway, so my cold/flu...
Doc: *looking at my chest x-ray* ...Your heart is too big. Obviously, it's having to work extra hard to support all your extra weight.
Me: *extremely annoyed* You know, I didn't have any problems with exhaustion until after I caught this virus...
Doc: At this rate, your life is in danger. The sooner you diet, the longer you may be able to live.
Me: *annoyed to the point where if I were to speak, mothers in the neighborhood would have to cover their children's ears*
Incidentally, my "fatal obesity" is really just a beer-gut. Which isn't even that big anymore. But, obviously, these few extra kilos are singlehandedly responsible for the virus I caught, any bones I've broken in the past and may break in the future, and the fatal heart attack I'll suffer at the tender age of 30. I'm sure that, as we speak, Japanese scientists are trying to find a way to link my love handles to global warming, the extinction of the Bali Tiger, and Kim Jong-il's rise to power.
***
There's a new burger at McDonalds in Japan. Not the McWhale or the Filet of Even More Fish as you might anticipate, no. The Mega Mac. They basically just took the volume of the original Big Mac, and doubled it. I fear words will never do this beast justice, so here - check it out for yourselves.
At first, I thought that this monstrousity was an American creation that someone had foolishy decided to bring over to Japanese shores. But after talking with one of my friends who'd just come back from America, he confirmed that the Mega Mac has yet to invade the West - apparently it's a Japanese concoction. And this just boggles my mind. As a big American guy, just thinking about the Mega Mac is causing my arteries to clog up a little (more trouble for my overburdened heart I guess...). How the hell is your average Japanese person going to take on the Mega Mac? Any Japanese person who's been to America makes sure to regale their friends with stories of the massive plates of food they were hit with in restaurants...
Japanese person: Um, hello, excuse me? I'm afraid there's been a mistake in my order. Surely, you've brought me the family plate or something.
Waitress: Nope, that's for one person.
Japanese person: Sweet mother of all that is holy and pure! How is one person supposed to eat all this food!
Waitress: Actually...waitaminute...there IS a mistake in your order. This is the KIDS plate. I'm sorry, here's your regular portion...
Japanese person: *head explodes*
So with the Mega Mac, I was kind of thinking that you'd have to have a family of four split it up and eat it over the course of a week (...there'd probably be leftovers too). However, upon my next trip to my local McDonalds I discovered a rather disturbing sign posted on the registers - McDonalds was going to have to put a limit on how many Mega Macs they can serve in one day, because it was far too popular and they were running out of food supplies.
(Insert your favorite "What the shit?"-esque exclamation here.)
And much like everything else in this country, here's something that just doesn't add up. Who the hell is eating Mega Macs? Even if every Gaijin suddenly stormed their local Japanese McDonalds that wouldn't be enough to cause a shortage of supplies. The only possible explanation I can come up with is that Japanese people realized that a burger of that magnitude could quite possibly kill them, and has thus attracted the suicide crowd. At least, that's the demographic *I* would have gone for it the task of advertising this beast had been assigned to me. "The Mega Mac: Because there are other, less-convienent-to-everybody-else methods of killing yourself besides jumping in front of a train. Supersize your fries and cola to die even faster!"
Also, note on the Japanese McD's website that you can buy this sucker in a value meal with fries, coke, AND nuggets. Okay, seriously, what in the jumpin' jehosefat fuck?
And, just in case you didn't believe me about the popularity of this thing, there's a news story just released today about it. How conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeniet.[/Church Lady] Anyway, here it is.
***
A TV program here advertised that a natto diet would produce significant weight loss results. This then resulted on a massive run on natto in all stores, mostly by young women.
For those not in the know, simply put, natto is fermented soybeans. Frankly put, natto is Satan's most evil creation to date. Seriously, natto is like the worst thing to have ever voluntarily crossed my lips, and that's taking into account my relationship with my ex. Natto tastes like despair, famine, plague, strife, and constipation all rolled up into sticky bean paste and sold in little styrofoam containers. My girlfriend eats natto, and she actually smiles while doing so and says ridiculous things like "it's delicious!" Every time she eats natto I just want to break up with her.
Her: You know, it's really healthy for you.
Me: I don't care. It could cure cancer. It could make my penis 50 inches longer. It could make me develop Cyclops laser-eyes. The very act of eating it could produce a sensation as if I was getting a blowjob from the non-Beyonce members of Destiny's Child. I don't care. It's nasty, and I can't handle it.
Her: That's too bad. It'd be awesome if we could eat natto together...
Me: Yeah. It would also be awesome if you could just punch me in the face, right now. I think I'll pass on both though.
The TV show which caused the frenzy later announced that they falsified data making the natto diet look more effective than it actually is. Which in turn caused the appropriate Japanese chain reaction of public apologies, higher-ups at the TV station - who probably directly had nothing to with the show - resigning, and anyone connected to the show, including the studio janitors, taking a severe pay cut. Satan's minions, aka natto manufactuers, also whined about the sudden cancellation of natto orders they'd gotten and the overproduction of natto.
But the "frenzy" only goes to show you just how concerned Japanese people are with their weight. Which is odd, because the vast majority of them don't need to be. My girlfriend was watching some program on MTV called Girls Meet Beauty. I don't really understand it well, but the premise was girls who wanted to become more beautiful by going through a program or something. The first step was to lose weight - all the girls wore a two-piece bathing suit, and talked about their goals - how much weight they wanted to lose, how they were going to do it, et al. Now, aside from maybe three or four girls who could afford to lose a kilo or two, the rest of them had absolutely no business being there. About half, I kind of wanted to pin down on the ground and force-feed Mega Mac's.
But that's just how it is here. Thin = attractive, and there's no upper limit on how thin. Take a group of Japanese people to Ethopia and they'll be like "Wow, so many supermodels!" I was walking with my girlfriend once, and I spotted a woman with toothpick legs. That's not even an exaggeration, I probably could have wrapped my hand around the fattest part of her thigh, and have my fingers touch with room to spare. Just as I was wondering how her legs didn't just snap in two with every step she took, my girlfriend hits me with -
Her: Oh wow, look at her! She's so thin and sexy!
Me: Surely, you can't be talking about Ms. Rickets up there...
Her: Of course! I wish I could have legs like that. ...Huh? What's that look for? Hey, where are you taking me?
Me: .....McDonalds.
Her: We just ate.
Me: I know.
Hi I've been a fan for along time but this is my first comment.
When I saw the burger my jaw was on the floor! That thing was massive! Holy Hell (hell isn't holy I know)was it inspired by Godzilla?
In Canada, we call it a double big-mac. It's been around for quite a while. I'm not sure if the megamac is any different.
Best post in a long time =]
yay natto ! it will make you thinner (and consequently heal your flu, magic !)
did that program advertised that it makes you thinner because it'll make you throw up all the food you may have ingurgited in the previous two days ? (damn and people would still buy it !)
Mc Donalds should try to launch the natto megamac, it'll be the biggest hit ever.
Holy shit! Doctors are concern about staying skinny, Mega Mac comes out, it's selling fast, but Japan thinks skinny is sexy. Wow... if this was in America, those burgers would not have lasted long, both selling and banning.
Hey dude, first of all: Great post! Secondly, Happy Birthday! I hope you keep living until you turn... well whatever age I would die + 1 day, so I can always read your stories. Keep up the good work. And yes we do have that in Canada, double Big-Macs aren't so big, Japanese people probally buy it to keep it like an antique? Haha!
Well, I'd probably try the natto, but I'm a Newf living in a filipino neighbourhood. This means I was brought up on flipper pie and occasionally chow down on dinuguang - that is to say, I am not to be trusted. ;)
On the other hand, here's someone who probably agrees with you, Az:
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000169.php
Ah, the Mega Mac, if I remember correctly it was called the Double Big Mac and it no longer exists in most McDonald's in North America. I believe it was the immense pressure on McDonald's from the movie Super Size Me and the rampant obesity spreading over the land caused by McDonald's. That burger scares the living bajesus out of me.
Love your blog by the way.
Hey Az, just to tell you but we have the Mega Mac in France and most probably in about all of Europe, and the name is the same too. It was first introduced around 1998 I think (maybe it was 97 or 99, my memory isn't too good, maybe I should diet too :p) and there were two bigger burgers, the Mega Mac and another with a kinda similar name but a bit smaller (only 3 steaks).
Only the Mega Mac proved succesful though but unlike Canada -from what I can judge- we only have it from time to time, usually around summer (kind of a limited burger, only it comes back like every year and stays on the menu for like 5 months!)
I sure could go for a mega mac right about now...
fantastic, they just get better and better...
Happy new year Az
Ye gods! Looking at the Mega Mac™ makes me squirm uncomfortably... and I used to eat things like that regularly! There's a Wendy's near me that "accidentally" puts four patties on a Classic Triple. Every Time! Perhaps McDonald's /was/ going for the suicidal fast food gourmand demographic...
Also, remember, whenever you're new in Japan, people will constantly ask you: "Have you tried natto yet?" Being from Sweden, they don't know jack shit about my country. Seriously, I asked some of them what they know about Sweden and they just stared into space. But they couldn't shut up about natto... When I asked why they said: "Well, no foreigners seem like natto..." Damn straight we don't!
P.S I'm not an avid McD-eater, but I don't think we have the MegaMac or anything as such here in Sweden. The burger scene here is pretty tame, latest scream now is the return of El Maco. D.S
We had that junk in Finland too. Can't remember exactly when, but i think it was around 97-99. Our was called Big Big Mac :p and yeah, you could get the whole value meal set. sniff, too bad they're not around anymore.
You BASTARD. So YOU'RE responsible for Global Warming!
The Mega Mac looks like it was inspired by an old episode of Scooby Doo.
Yea, Canada has the double mac which is the same thing. When I worked there *shudders* people would come in and ask to DOUBLE there double big mac. wtf.
Maybe the Japanese men have figured out that the MEGA MAC is the key to making their girlfriend's breast larger.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McDonald's_menu_items#Former_menu_items
I remember that America has the Double Big Mac back in the mid 90s so Japan didn't start it; McDonalds had it for a short while. I don't think it'll be back since they are already in deep shit because of those damn activist.
BRING THE MEGA MAC TO THE STATES!!
You're from California, right? Ever eaten a Double-Double at In 'N Out? A MegaMac looks basically like an off-menu item they've had for years called a 4x4, which is two Double-Doubles slapped together.
I tried to eat one, once. I managed to cram the whole thing down, but wanted to die after that. Too.Much.Food.
Hey Az, been reading for years ! I really enjoyed this post best in a long time. I really like your new stuff.
Off to Japandia soon so will be fun to get a glimpse of all these things you speak of.
I have to say I don't see the big deal. This is nothing more than the double quarter pounder with an extra piece of bread. Think about it. The patties used for the Big Mac are only the small burger patties...approximately 1/10th of a pound. So it is actually less meat than a double quarter pounder.
I'm still not going to run out and buy one, but people buy those double quarter pounders all the time, or go to In N Out and buy a double or triple which has much more meat.
Love your column and glad to see an update! And Happy B-Day!
Yeahhh... I work at Wendy's, and they have triples, which I think are just gross... and then we get those crazy people that want it as a grand slam (4 patties), and that crazy man that comes in once a month, and gets 11 patties O_o;
It must be only once a month so he can go to the hospital, and get his monthly stomache pumping.
"...there's no upper limit on how thin."
The Math major in me wants to say "shouldn't that be a *lower* limit since the weight decreases?"
Oh! Bad math joke!
Happy Birthday a little late!!
Ahhhh, always something to look forward to in these posts! They never get old :D
We had the Mega Mac in Australia for a while. It didn't last. The 'double quarter pounder', or 'McGreaseball' is still here tho.
Oh tell me, how does Natto compate to Vegemite?
Holy Mother of GOD. I'm sitting next to a girl with a bulemia problem right now, and just to mess with her, I showed her the picture of the Mega Mac, and told her that's what the school cafeteria was going to serve next week. The look on her face was a mix between "Someone-just-killed-my-dog" and "I'm-gonna-KILL-those-mothaf*ckers!!".
Priceless.
Anyway- great post. I've been waiting around for some new content, and this DEFINATELY lived up to my expectations. I used to work at Wendy's, and SO MANY people would add a pattie or two, until we couldn't even WRAP the burger anymore, it was so tall. I think the biggest we made was a 6 pattie burger once. It was G-R-O-S-S. The guy squeezed the ever-livin' out of that burger and just chowed down like it was his JOB. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to follow that bulemia girl to the bathroom....
To get a rough idea of what natto tastes like, imagine coffee beans covered in flavorless slime. The crazy thing is that Japanese people I know eat that shit up, but won't even use normal toothpaste because it's too strong. WTF.
I do hope that you either ripped the second doctor a new one or insisted on having SOMEONE who was able to treat you competently! If that had been me (and I AM very overweight), I would've leveled up and applied the GaijinBitchSlapSmash. Frickin' quack.
Wow, I loved this entry. It's amazing how Japanese women are obsessed with being thin...is there a high level of eating disorders amongst women in Japan?
Top quality.
OH MY GOD! Won't that MegaMac cause.... death?
I'm never gonna eat that... ever. Shit.
They'd call me fat too, if I was over there, but I'm "stocky" as in "I look skinny".
From the news story you linked to:
"Each Mega Mac contains 754 kilocalories of nutritional energy..."
" 'I guess the convenience of being able to hold a decent meal in one hand has gotten the thumbs-up...' "
They make the whole thing sound so sunshiney and positive, eh?
I saw the Mega Mac just yesterday at McD's. There was a sign, but my Japanese wasn't good enough to make out quite what it said. I think it was something negative, so probably the same thing.
I've been to the ENT doctor about three times now, and I still have a sinus infection and nasty cough after about three months. It's ridiculous. They just can't figure out how much medication to give me, but of course they charge me every time.
dude i work in roppongi at a club as a security guard. now im a big guy but not big enough to want to eat a heart attack like the mega mac! they should call it the hambaga steak mac! jesus the size of that burger and they still havent managed to serve the supersize drinks over here yet. i see they are finally bringing the morning death sandwich to japan as well! the fatal heart attack called the mcgriddle! holy christ!
Japanese McDonalds boggle my mind. They'll serve a Big Mac with twice the meat, but serve the tinest drinks possible? I'd expect it to be completely reversed, American sized drinks, and microscopic portion of food, small enough that you'd have to order 3 extra large meals to even feel slightly full.
Yeah, Double Big Macs here in Canada are pretty tasty, along with the Double Quarter Pounders :)
Burger King has a sandwich called the BK Stacker now... it is basically cheese, patty, bacon, and some sort of mildly spicy and tangy sauce. It is very good.
The issue is that it comes in different sizes... the double, the triple, and holy mother of God, the *quadruple*.
Now, I am not a small man by any means. I am 193 cm tall (6'4") and I weigh about 130 kilos (about 290 lbs.) at the moment. (And yes, I could stand to lose some weight, which I am working on miss/mister-criticize-the-comment-writer.) But anyway, I tried the quadruple all of once. I could not actually fit the burger into my mouth, it is that big.
It should not exist.
If I am ever so stricken with famine that I have to have four patties, I will just order two doubles. Only Burger King could design a food that tastes so good and yet have some sort of sadomasochistic size designed to torture you into not quite fully enjoying it. Bastards.
XD Your birthday is two weeks after New Years? Mine is two weeks and one day (the 15th XDD I get to share a birthday with Martin Luther King, lucky-ness XDDD).
I honestly don't get it. They HATE fatness in Japan, yet they have:
1. Sumo wrestling
2. Tanuki statues everywhere
3. Hotei, one of the Shichi Fukujin
Does kanji for "hypocrisy" exist there?
Anyway, I stand at 5 feet 8 inches, and weigh somewhere around 190 pounds. I definitely could lose weight, but I'm not someone who places much importance on stuff like that. I like what I am now, to the point where I am narcissistic about it (heh heh). I definitely would not tolerate it if a doctor (or pretty much anyone) constantly told me to lose weight over there.
Besides, my doctor over here has not complained about my weight. Why should anyone else?
As for the Mega Mac, DAAAAAYUUUUM. I'm not one who eats hamburgers, though, so...
Hey there.
I haven't read any of your stuff in months- not since the move to Rudius Media- so it's great to see some new content again. Keep it up, you're entertaining rather a lot of people =)
I hope you recover soon. Actually, would you write more if you were housebound? Hmm...
Um... actually, that MegaMac looks kinda' tasty. I put away the normal BigMacs with no problem, and even have enough room to drain my soda dry. So, maybe a MegaMac'll stop me.
My problem would be -Japanese- MegaMac's - if every order arrives picture-perfect, than that -would- be too much for me. It sounds weird, but the food -looks- bigger, and thus puts a dent into my appetite.
Also, Natto isn't that bad. My Kendo instructor once brought us some... I was one of... what, three people who liked it. The key is MUSTARD. You must smother those suckers in MUSTARD, stir it around, and then eat it with RICE. LOTS AND LOTS OF MUSTARD AND RICE.
All that's left after that is the weird after-taste. That you wash down with water.
I've been trying to get one of those Mega-Macs since they came out, but even if I go at 11 am they are sold out and they just give me a coupon for the next time. Grrr
ewww. My host family asked if I wanted to try natto, but I politely refused; there is something wrong with the way it's so sticky that when you pull the topp off the strands stick to it for like five feet. ick.
Oh god, natto. As a child in an Asian family, I can vouch that natto is one of the most disgusting concoctions in the history of man. Even watching other people eat it is disgusting. With the goop and the strands and uggghh.
I actually like natto, the first time I tried it was at a japanese women's university satellite campus here in the states. Its pretty good, of course, about all of the other Americans with me hated it. I think I was the only one who enjoyed eating it. I think the trick in it is having no sense of smell as well as no taste buds, to me, alot of stuff tastes the same due to my insane consumption of hot sauce. Anyways, I like natto and always look forward to eating it at a japanese place I know.
The BK stacker is awesome, bacon, four meat patties and cheese, quite possibly the greatest thing to ever come from BK since curly fries, which they dont serve anymore. The quad, and megamac in japan, should be so easy for you Az, I ate the whole thing along with a 5 piece chicken tenders. Keep in mind I'm about 5'6-7 and less than 140 lbs. Try one! Can't guarantee you'll love it, but the experience is sure to last a long time,
I think I remember McD's doing something like this to celebrate the anniversary of their Big Macs or something like that. They went so far as to have a triple decker Big Mac and the Mega Mac you see before you, but they didn't last long.
Ihimi, The BK Stacker isn't even that big! The Quad Stacker had no effect on me. You are just a wussy! But the days of eating a Triple Whopper without going to sleep are past. At least I'm not as foolhardy as some of these people:
http://youtube.com/results?search_query=bk+stacker&search=Search
Finally, Az, don't just force-feed the skinny girls; make them go through a strict weight training regiment as well. People seem to forget that.
Growing up in Japan as a girl is not good for your health. I don't have the rabbit metabolisim so many of my asian friends do, so, as a result, I always felt I was too fat. I was/still am bulimic since 15 years old.
And the funny part... when I went to ameerica, the doctor there said I was underweight. But I still feel huge here.
Funun as hell man! BTW Az, What is the diameter of the Big Mac? How many inches around is it?
I worked at a mcdonalds when i was younger, and we used to sell "Mega Mac's" as double big mac's... not that bad if you made it yourself(ie could take the grease off, put a little extra mac sauce, and make it a bit neater).
OMG that's crazy!! Even more so that its making a huge profit over there!!!!
......
they need to bring that here.
I've heard that they're limiting the Mega Mac to just 20 burgers per day per location, not because of a lack of ingredients, but due to a lack of money. Before launch, they flooded the market with coupons that allow you to get 4 at 310 each, which is a pretty low price, so now they're regretting it.
I'm waiting for a DOUBLE Mega Mac.... with natto.