Gaijin Smash: Asian People Say the Darndest Things (Aug 29/07)

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Asian People Say the Darndest Things - August 29, 2007

One day I was screwing around on the computer at lunchtime. Unlike my English teacher gigs, this is a job where I actually have to do work. Unfortunately, I'd gotten used to browsing my favorite sites during the daytime, especially considering that it's nighttime back in America, when many message boards are at their most active. One could theoretically make a witty post, and then check the thread in real-time for all the people who are "rofl"ing at the witty post and crediting the poster with having won the thread, sometimes even the whole internets.

...Not that I do that, of course.

Anyway, the habit is kind of hard to break, so sometimes I'll sneak peeks at my favorite pages when I can. I was doing that one such day, when the company president came up behind me. "What'cha doing?" He asks. He came up with all the silence and suddenness of a fucking ninja--I had no time to quickly switch over to an actual work window. I figured I'd been found out, and it was lunchtime anyway, so I was honest--"I'm just conversing with some friends back home on a message board."

As for what I was posting about...well...it was about the first time we ever discovered the wonderful and beautiful artistic sport that is masturbation. Again, don't ask how we got to this point. If you have to ask, you just haven't been surfing the internets long enough.

My first ever wank was actually the Legendary No Hands Jack™. I was 12 years old - I was watching the Queen of Skin Flicks, Shannon Tweed, in one of her Showtime masterpieces, Night Eyes II. I was enjoying the movie very much, simply laying on my stomach on the bed. Next thing I knew, things felt really good, and then the bed was wet. I thought I'd pissed myself at first, but upon further inspection of the fluid, I found that it was actually a new substance. And thus began my long and continuous career of dolphin flogging. An Emmy-deserving story if ever there was one.

Anyway, so I'm writing about this, when the company president looks over my shoulder. Having lived in Japan for 4 years, I've learned to relax the reflexes when it comes to Japanese people looking over your shoulder. It usually doesn't matter what you're writing, as long as its in English they have no idea what you're saying. As I mentioned before, I had students once looking over my shoulder at an editorial I was writing about them, and they just had no idea.

I forgot, though, that the prez has some decent English abilities.

"Man, this is really sleazy!" he says. ...Whoops. Try to imagine, you're a foreigner in a strange land, who finally lands a job doing serious, actual work...and your company president catches you talking about your masturbation experiences over the internet. I was mortified. Would I never be trusted again? Always looked at with a discriminating and condescending eye? Or even worse, flat-out fired? Luckily for me, this is Japan.

Laughing, the prez says "Me too!" as he walks away. And I'm very glad he did walk away, because I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. "Sir, your first masturbation experience was with the No Hands Jack™ with Shannon Tweed and Night Eyes II? What a coincidence! You have *excellent* taste in softcore porn."

The company that whacks together, stays together?

***

One day I was doing some translation work. Usually, we get the Japanese in an excel file, and then translate it into English. Simple enough. But sometimes, the Japanese used in the copy is very vague or seems completely out of place. For that reason, we also have actual copies of the catalog, so we can see the product. For example, I might be translating the copy for a stylish bag - the Japanese version of the copy may include a sentence like "With enamel for the latest trends this season. And the brown bear is a nice touch." ...Bear? WTF?! How in God's green earth did we go from trendy enamel to a muthafuckin bear? Is the bag really a delicious pic-a-nic basket? However, actually looking at the item in the fashion catalog, I find that the bag has a bear-shaped keychain. Okay, that makes sense.

The translation I was doing that day also had some really vague Japanese.

Fancy, stylish package gives this item a special charm. The rubbery smell is totally eliminated to make it more pleasing to women. Each of three different styles have a distinct feel. The mature feeling will enhance your romantic moments.

Rubbery smell? Mature feeling for romantic moments? Okay, I get the feeling we're not quite talking about clothes anymore, but I still don't really know what's going on here. A look at the item name didn't provide for any other helpful hints.

Jewels Collection

From here, I figured I could either dispatch my team of teenage sluths and their trusty talking dog, and have them fumble around a haunted house/mansion/villa/cardboard box for 20 minutes until the stoner accidentally traps an old man wearing a phantom suit, who would then tell me what the hell it is I was translating, or just pop open the catalog and see for myself. As fun as option 1 sounded, I opted for the latter.

Ta-da! Yep, Japanese condoms. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J49318&Gamen=3&PageNo=1&bunrui1=0)

I have to say, I'm more than a little surprised we sell them. My own personal preference aside, condoms have always struck me as a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. Like, you find yourself in a position where you will need condoms (you know...animal balloon shapes and what not), and you think, "hey, I don't have any. I'd better go get some." I've never really thought of it as a premeditated act, much less something you'd have to buy from a mail-order company. But considering I get American condoms sent from home by Mom, I guess the reverse is possible for Japanese guys. "What is this, a condom or a trash bag? Is this for horses? I need a better fitting condom." And thanks to our site, Mr. Tanaka doesn't have to make any embarrassing phone calls to Mom.

So there I am at my desk, with a catalog spread open to the condom page. This 50-year old Japanese lady walks by my desk, and casually asks what I'm doing. I say "Oh, just translating", but given how she's Japanese, she's almost obligated to look over my shoulder. Seriously, being Japanese means a lot of bowing, apologizing, and looking over people's shoulders apparently. She does just that, and sees my catalog open to the condom page. Now, of all the things she could have possibly said here, what she did say was the one thing I couldn't have possibly expected - "ah, hisashiburi."

"Hisashiburi" is Japanese for "it's been a long time."

Now, I suppose its entirely possible that "hisashiburi" here could have meant that she'd been hitting it raw for the past 20 years. Given how sexless this country is however, and how Japanese men are particularly fond of young girls, in this case I took it to mean "I haven't had sex for a long time." And, if you think about it, this is a really freakin' weird thing to say to one of your co-workers, even if he is translating catch-copies for condoms that he doesn't use because they're too small.

...Have you ever taken a moment to ponder the events in your life that lead you up to a certain moment in time? Like, all the forces of nature and the universe that had to come together to produce a very specific event. I thought about what it had to take to get me, an American black guy, in a Japanese office translating condom catch copies, and what it took to get a 50-year old Japanese woman looking over said guy's shoulder, and to say "hisashiburi" upon seeing the condoms. The universe is one hell of a thing, isn't it?

Anyway, despite being speechless, again, this time I actually do manage to say something. I say the first and only thing that comes to mind - "Sumimasen." Trans. "I'm sorry."

...I'm sorry for what exactly? I'm sorry you haven't had sex in a long time? I'm sorry you don't get to use these totally awesome condoms? Geez. I don't think I can actually go back to America now. I'd be in jail for sexual harassment faster than you could say "ribbed for her pleasure."

***

I sit next to a very eccentric and interesting Chinese lady. She primarily does customer support in Chinese, but will also do translation when the situation calls for it. She was doing translation one day, and then showed me what she was working on - the kids line of clothes. "Aren't they so cute!" She says. "But oddly enough, none of these kids are actually Japanese."

She's pointed out something I'd noticed before. Now, we sell clothes that are made in Japan for a Japanese market. As you can imagine, the models for these clothes are...well....Japanese. Like this girl. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J20604&best=no&Gamen=3&pageno=1&toppage=1) And, her too. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J24403&Gamen=3&PageNo=1&bunrui1=1&bunrui2=1&bunrui3=1) You get the point.

However, there are two clothing types where, suddenly, the models become Gaijin. One is the aforementioned kids. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=E60401&Gamen=3&PageNo=3&bunrui1=3&bunrui2=1&bunrui3=1) The other is underwear. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J27604&Gamen=3&PageNo=1&bunrui1=2&bunrui2=1) In fact, underwear models are almost exclusively Gaijin women. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J26804&Gamen=3&PageNo=1&bunrui1=2&bunrui2=1) As you thumb through the catalog, it's kinda weird. Shirts, blouses, tank tops? Japanese. Pants, skirts, leggings? Japanese. Bras and panties? BAM! Suddenly Gaijin. (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J26603&Gamen=3&PageNo=1&bunrui1=2&bunrui2=1)

Of course, when I get to spend my whole day at work translating this (http://www.jshoppers.com/shohin-eg.asp?Shocd=J28004&Gamen=3&PageNo=1&bunrui1=2&bunrui2=2), well, I can't really complain.*

*Incidentally, if you find any weird/unnatural/wrong English...don't crucify me, I didn't do it. I can only do so many of the translations.

I point this out to the Chinese lady, and even show her my findings. "Why is that?" I wonder. She takes a moment to think about it, but quickly comes up with an answer. "You see," she says, taking the catalog, "this is a beautiful model, isn't it? Take a look - she sticks out here, there's nice and round, oh...it's sexy, right! We Asians, we can't do that. The front, the back, it's all flat!"

This woman has, in one sentence, owned Yellow Fever harder than I ever could in the past 4 years.

Now I am dying from laughter. The lady feels the need to further explain her point. "We're trying to sell these clothes, right? You need a pretty picture to do that. Use a Gaijin model, and oh, very sexy! She's got curves, peaks, valleys, all that jazz. Use a Japanese model, it's just a plank wearing a bra and panties. Nobody's going to buy that! The customers need to look at the picture and think "Wow, that's sexy! If I buy this bra and panties, then I'll look like that too!" So, that's why the models suddenly become Gaijin."

In between my laughs, I manage to ask "but then, what happens when the buy the bra and panties and it doesn't look like the picture in the catalog?"

The lady has an answer for this too. "That's why our number one return merchandise is underwear. These Asian ladies buy the underwear, then they put it on and look in the mirror and think "Hmm, that doesn't look like what I ordered at all!" ...Of course it doesn't! You don't have the equipment for it. It's just a bra and panties, not magic. You must remember that Asian women are just flat. The front, the back, the sides, flat. It's kind of not fair, but we wouldn't be able to sell anything with flat models."

This doesn't exactly explain why the kids models are Gaijin too. But after the answer I got for the underwear, I decided...I just didn't want to know.

Posted by gaijin at 4:19 AM

[Chrome Newfie]

And in a small bout of quasi-national pride/shame, I mention that Ms. Tweed is a born and brewed Newf. ;)

[Knife-Fingered Sue Sanderson]

This doesn't exactly explain why the kids models are Gaijin too. But after the answer I got for the underwear, I decided...I just didn't want to know.

Well, consider that the majority of kid's clothing customers are mothers, or other women. What kind of babies and kids do Japanese women fawn over the most? Gaijin. "If I buy this jumper, my baby will have blonde hair and blue eyes, too!"

[ZylitoL]

Well, consider that the majority of kid's clothing customers are mothers, or other women. What kind of babies and kids do Japanese women fawn over the most? Gaijin. "If I buy this jumper, my baby will have blonde hair and blue eyes, too!"
Generally speaking, Asian parents don't fawn over white babies...they like their kid the way they are: yellow with black hair and brown eyes.
I'm sure there are exceptions, but if that holds true for anyone, then that's just disgraceful.

Az,

Good stuff as always =). But do you think that linking to the company's site is a good idea? I'm clueless about this type of stuff but are there any potential consequences?

[4letterwords]

^I lol'd. I cried a bit as well, though... because I know that my kids are gonna be novelties as well when we decide to have them... His mother told all of their neighbors and his fathers coworkers that his son is going to marry a blue eyed foreigner. Oh goody. Goody god damn two-shoes.

[4letterwords]

Generally speaking, Asian parents don't fawn over white babies...they like their kid the way they are: yellow with black hair and brown eyes.


Not the Japanese... no sir. Half children are like... a commodity in Japan.

[Knife-Fingered Sue Sanderson]

Generally speaking, Asian parents don't fawn over white babies...they like their kid the way they are: yellow with black hair and brown eyes.
I'm sure there are exceptions, but if that holds true for anyone, then that's just disgraceful.

Az,

Good stuff as always =). But do you think that linking to the company's site is a good idea? I'm clueless about this type of stuff but are there any potential consequences?


Why is it disgraceful to fawn over white babies if you're not white? I fawn over Asian babies, black babies, hispanic babies...just babies in general. But have you really never heard the huge chorus of "KAWAIIIIIIIIII" from Japanese women when there's a gaijin baby/kid?

I cried a bit as well, though... because I know that my kids are gonna be novelties as well when we decide to have them... His mother told all of their neighbors and his fathers coworkers that his son is going to marry a blue eyed foreigner. Oh goody. Goody god damn two-shoes.

Apparently when Yosuke first told his mom that he was dating an American girl, she told him she couldn't wait to have blue-eyed grandchildren....she's gonna be in for a bit of a disappointment.

[ZylitoL]

"If I buy this jumper, my baby will have blonde hair and blue eyes, too!"
That's what you said right?
Why would you want your kid to be someone they're not?

The KAWAAIIIIIIIIIIIII isn't really what I was referring to...that's just the moms in awe over a white baby purely because they're not an everyday sighting.
I'm sure white/non-yellow babies are appealing to them but that doesn't mean that they'd want their own Japanese kid to be like them, which was the point that I was trying to make.

[4letterwords]

Apparently when Yosuke first told his mom that he was dating an American girl, she told him she couldn't wait to have blue-eyed grandchildren....she's gonna be in for a bit of a disappointment.

LoL... exactly. When he and I visited over Christmas, and we got in a little argument and his mom got really mad at him and told him not to 'mess it up' with me.

Draw your own conclusions.

[ZylitoL]

LoL... exactly. When he and I visited over Christmas, and we got in a little argument and his mom got really mad at him and told him not to 'mess it up' with me.

Draw your own conclusions.

Ooh...
That's a lot different than other Asian families...including my own.

Marrying a non-Asian in my experience/observations is rather frowned upon, probably because of cultural differences, language barriers and the general dissident chemistry between the families.

But what the hell, obviously Japan doesn't conform...you better deliver 4LW! =p

[Knife-Fingered Sue Sanderson]

That's what you said right?
Why would you want your kid to be someone they're not?

The KAWAAIIIIIIIIIIIII isn't really what I was referring to...that's just the moms in awe over a white baby purely because they're not an everyday sighting.
I'm sure white/non-yellow babies are appealing to them but that doesn't mean that they'd want their own Japanese kid to be like them, which was the point that I was trying to make.


So then Az's coworker's assumption that they only have curvy gaijin women as models for underwear because Japanese women want biggers breasts and hips is wrong because why should they want their bodies to be something they're not?

I was just joking, but it's a joke actually based off my own personal observations. I've heard lots of Japanese women coo over half-Japanese kids and wish they had one. Half-Japanese kids can also get modeling gigs way easier than full Japanese kids can. And, like I said earlier, my boyfriend's own mother was excited that we were dating because of the cute, and hopefully blue-eyed, grandkids we would give her.

EDIT: I don't mean to say that all Japanese women want half-Japanese babies. Like you said, they're not an everyday sighting. If a Japanese woman is looking for a new dress for her daughter and sees one a half-Japanese kid, she might be more inclined to get it because it just looks so cute on the model. Same goes with the lingerie.

[ZylitoL]

Well, modeling is purely based on aesthetics, and since foreign women have the curves, breasts etc, they get the shoot.

Children, on the other hand, are not purely based on aesthetics. The Japanese women may have wished that they had one, but are probably NOT going to wish their own children to have caucasian looks.

Anyways, your comment wasn't entirely serious and I guess I was wrong to group Japanese people with other Asians when it comes to this stuff for the reasons I explained in my other post. My bad!

EDIT: Before we lose track...
Az,

Good stuff as always =). But do you think that linking to the company's site is a good idea? I'm clueless about this type of stuff but are there any potential consequences?

[Fred]

I remember when I worked for a Japanese company people talked about sex stuff all the time. In fact, my boss loved to tease people.

I remember one time people were talking about their first sexual experience. I found out that there is a word that specifically means first sexual experience. It is Shotaiken (初体験).

I think Az should ask that Hisashiburi lady about her Shotaiken. It would probably be an interesting conversation.

[SlickWilly440]

Does anyone else get the "Session Time Out" page saying you were automatically logged out, when clicking on the link to the Jshoppers.com site?

[Kyletherealninja]

Go to the main page. It works fine after that.

[erbiumfiber]

If this is Nissen (and it looks like at least some of it is) the kids are almost exclusively half-Japanese. Some look more Japanese, some a little less but I doubt there is a single full-blooded gaijin in the bunch. Even that little girl in Az's editorial looks pretty haafu to me.

As has been said above, half-Japanese kids are considered incredibly beautiful at the moment.

Think about it. Japanese photographers photographing kids in Japan. Those kids HAVE to be able to speak Japanese. No photographer is going on a shoot with little English-only kids.

[Eddie Echoplex]

^I lol'd. I cried a bit as well, though... because I know that my kids are gonna be novelties as well when we decide to have them... His mother told all of their neighbors and his fathers coworkers that his son is going to marry a blue eyed foreigner. Oh goody. Goody god damn two-shoes.

Heh, now imagine a half latino japanese baby.

[ミュー]

I point this out to the Chinese lady, and even show her my findings. "Why is that?" I wonder. She takes a moment to think about it, but quickly comes up with an answer. "You see," she says, taking the catalog, "this is a beautiful model, isn't it? Take a look - she sticks out here, there's nice and round, oh...it's sexy, right! We Asians, we can't do that. The front, the back, it's all flat!"
Well that explains why Sir Mix A Lot never did a Japan tour...

Mix A Lot: "♪I like big butts and I cannot lie..."
...
"wait, what do you mean there's no big butts here!? Fuck this shit, somebody schedule me a goddamn Brazil tour!"

[Azrael]

Az,

Good stuff as always =). But do you think that linking to the company's site is a good idea? I'm clueless about this type of stuff but are there any potential consequences?
They know about Gaijin Smash. They know I get a lot of visitors to the site. They want me to talk about jshoppers on GS. Hey, as long as it'll lead to exposure -> more customers -> higher revenue, right?

As long as I'm not trashing the company or exposing dirty secrets, I believe its fine. The prez is looking into ways to market online, which includes the use of blogs. A few of the Chinese/Taiwanese staffers currently run blogs of their own. Those blogs are primarily of the "Here are the items on our site that I like" variety. I kinda think that's boring. I'd rather tell an interesting story that somehow relates to the site. If it gets people looking, and if they like what they'll see, they will stay. That's my philosophy anyway. Like, people who don't even care about Japan read GS because of the funny or oddball things that happen.

I've suggested to the company that they hire some sort of fashion writer/blogger. Rather than write about items they like, they can write about the fashion scene in Japan in general, and then use items from the site as examples.

[4letterwords]

I bought shoes from you guys a while ago. You owe me.

[ミュー]

Has Jshopper considering carrying games and Animu stuff... that would boost your North America traffic like a motherfucker, no? Not to mention that games out of Japan are stupidly easy to drop-ship.

[Decade]

I just gotta say for the record, the part I LOL'ed about most was that before the very paragraph that started with "My first wank ever," the ad on the page at that time LITERALLY said:

"FAITH:

www.catholicmatches.com"


:rofl: How did the random advertising box know?

[Azrael]

I bought shoes from you guys a while ago. You owe me.
You paid. We're square.

Now, if you've introduced the site to all of your friends, who have also bought shoes/stuff from us, then I do owe you like a week of indebited servitude or something.

Has Jshopper considering carrying games and Animu stuff... that would boost your North America traffic like a motherfucker, no? Not to mention that games out of Japan are stupidly easy to drop-ship.
Yeah, no kidding. I'm not sure if that's the route this company wants to take though. We're still expanding product lines though, and who knows? One day anime and electronics and what not might be included.

[Decade]

You paid. We're square.

Now, if you've introduced the site to all of your friends, who have also bought shoes/stuff from us, then I do owe you like a week of indebited servitude or something.
Make him teach english at your kid's school.

[4letterwords]

You paid. We're square.

Now, if you've introduced the site to all of your friends, who have also bought shoes/stuff from us, then I do owe you like a week of indebited servitude or something.

I'm still without chocolate pudding. STILL... WITHOUT.

[Druid]

You'll Take What He Gives You And Be Grateful For It, Damnit!

[TommyA]

Man I could write a Moses lengthed tablet or scripture on funny things Japanese people say, and 80% would be from my manager.

Some quick good ones (maybe some you just had to be there...)

"Hey Mr. Stupid" in his best Fonz from Happy Days impression. He says this as he sits next to me to use the PC, while I am on the laptop, and gives me a hearty pat on the shoulder.

So I taught him about the term "insurance" I coined a while ago back in California. Insurance are those female friends you have, that will become girlfriends the minute you say the right word. Him and I were alone in the office and talking about students we thought were attractive (him and I have a great relationship, eh?). So after a while he asks me why am I looking at students that way, if I already have a girlfriend. I tell him about the insurance policy an he laughs as hard as he could, in our empty at the time office. Now his English isn't that great, but he gets a kick anyway! Fast forward to yesterday. I am in the lobby talking to 3 female students who stayed an hour after class to shoot the shit with me. They ask if my gf is Japanese and where we met. I tell them mixi and they all scream and pull out their keitais to add me to their mixi friends list. They were having trouble finding me, so we spent a lot of time slowly spelling my name for them. Suddenly, my manager, who was listening and watching the whole time, stands up, and says, out loud "Sou desu ne. This is many insurance time ne?" Which made me instantly turn the closest thing to red my skin allows, and too much laughter! I had to walk out of the lobby so I wouldn't interrupt any of the other classes going on!

There are many more starring him...

[Ceirnian]

The company that whacks together, slacks together
Fixed

[gentlemanandscholar]

hilarity

I hope to god my boss is as awesome as yours

[mpz]

Insurance
I laff'd.

[JapaneseLever]

/comes from lurking mode

Speaking about Asian people saying funny things.
I was outside of my school speaking with the Arabian kid and the Canadian, and the principle comes out, looks at me and says
「あっ！ブランドン、元気？」 (Ah! Brandon, how are you?)
and without giving me a chance to answer, turns to the Arabian kid and says
「オイルマン！元気？」 (Oil man! How are you?)

Me and the Canadian cracked up for about 5 minutes. It was cool, though, because the Arabian kid didn't seem to mind.

[The_Penguin]

^I lol'd. I cried a bit as well, though... because I know that my kids are gonna be novelties as well when we decide to have them... His mother told all of their neighbors and his fathers coworkers that his son is going to marry a blue eyed foreigner. Oh goody. Goody god damn two-shoes.
I'm guessing that a trip back to the states will probably happen... guessing.

Az, good shit.

[The_Penguin]

Heh, now imagine a half latino japanese baby.
I've seen this one chick that was half latino and half filipino. She was 16 but looked 18+ and incredibly hot (read: absolutely blazing.) <--- I hate those moments.

Anyways, that could be a good thing.

[The_Penguin]

Well that explains why Sir Mix A Lot never did a Japan tour...

Mix A Lot: "♪I like big butts and I cannot lie..."
...
"wait, what do you mean there's no big butts here!? Fuck this shit, somebody schedule me a goddamn Brazil tour!"
:lol:

Dude, that's funny shit.

[Azrael]

I plan on having mixed babies. Daughters if possible. I'm hoping my black genes will give her T&A, but her Japanese genes will give her a cute face and a slim tummy. Then when she's old enough, I'm shipping her off to TV Land and I'm going to retire comfortably off my allowance from her salary.

I'm still without chocolate pudding. STILL... WITHOUT.
It's in the mail. These things take time. It'll still be good when it gets there.

[The_Penguin]

/comes from lurking mode

Speaking about Asian people saying funny things.
I was outside of my school speaking with the Arabian kid and the Canadian, and the principle comes out, looks at me and says
「あっ！ブランドン、元気？」 (Ah! Brandon, how are you?)
and without giving me a chance to answer, turns to the Arabian kid and says
「オイルマン！元気？」 (Oil man! How are you?)

Me and the Canadian cracked up for about 5 minutes. It was cool, though, because the Arabian kid didn't seem to mind.
*lol* That's good shit.

[TommyA]

I plan on having mixed babies. Daughters if possible. I'm hoping my black genes will give her T&A, but her Japanese genes will give her a cute face and a slim tummy. Then when she's old enough, I'm shipping her off to TV Land and I'm going to retire comfortably off my allowance from her salary.


Hey that's my plan! I will race you! Hmmm or you do TV and I will do music? Deal?

[Azrael]

^Does it matter? I mean, I'm still trying to figure out what Becky's "talent" is other than being half.

As long as she's 1) cute, and 2) got big tits, and 3) not fat, well, she can do anything. Hell, I wouldn't object to her becoming one of those video idols. Shit, pay her to frolick around on the beach in a bikini and not get naked and not even have sex on camera.

Just as long as she doesn't end up like Maria Ozawa.

[TommyA]

True true...

Well as long as the daughters I want don't become American rap video hoes, I am fine. They are in demand nowadays, and I want my future daughters to stay away.

Yeah Maria Ozawa started all innocent and now I can see her riding some old ugly dudes for free, with and without mosiacs. Sad sad world... She is cute too.

As long as they can pay for me to be retired and comfy in a house somewhere in the inaka, I am cool! Oh yeah, my future wife too...

[Azrael]

Maria Ozawa without mosaics?! Dude, WHERE? :P

She started innocent though? News to me. The first time I ever saw her, she had a bit part in the Tadano Hitoshi drama. Then I saw her on some late night show that interviews porn actresses. I wasn't too surprised though, since many of the Tadano Hitoshi actresses come from AV/porn.

But yeah, she is really cute. Part of me thinks its a huge waste, but then part of me is glad she is in porn so I can enjoy her vidoes. Regardless to say, it's not a career path I'd want for my own child though, so I always get this weird feeling of sympathy towards her parents when I watch her vids.

I think the most ideal situation would be to sire the next Crystal Kay. Here's hoping the little one has a decent singing voice.

...Er, then again, this is Japan, she doesn't need a decent singing voice.

[ミュー]

...Er, then again, this is Japan, she doesn't need a decent singing voice.
*cues awesome synthesizer backup*

Has anyone listened to some instrumental J-pop? It's either really terrible or really badass. Koda Kumi, for instance, would be bankrupted if her instrumentals were ever to be made public.

"Wait, we can listen to the awesome beats without her voice!? Fuckin' rawk!!"

...and she would be another hot spray addict out on the streets like, the next day.

[TommyA]

Hah my friend has some "shady" friends, with access to it. I have viewed a few DVDs on the PS3 with no mosiacs of her. It is older stuff, but like we mentioned, she is damn cute so who cares!

Before I saw any of her porn stuff, I remember seeing her face on a few ads for things, and this was when I was in America, looking at Japanese advertisement (I am a graphic designer and would always research other country's ads) and saw her, which is how I learned about her first.

Yeah I wanna go Crystal Kay fame/respect, but make sure my child/ren play instruments. Plus they will love her/them more because she will be half Japanese and not Korean! Score!

And screw the voice talent. Have you heard ANY of Yuki's songs? Here in Nagoya, we have a large busy shopping area called Sakae, and sometimes they play music on speakers that you can hear everywhere, and god I swear, one time they played her filth ALL week there! She sounds like a pregnant cat,getting swung by the tail by a drunk gorilla on it's period after watching an Uwe Boll movie marathon on youtube on 28.8 dialup, while your 80 year old neighbors are trying to respark their sex lives for the 8th time that night...

Her voice is THAT bad... and she isn't even cute... But her video got like video of the year last year... It was kinda Kylie Minogue-ish in it's style, but it still didn't change her VOICE!!!

Hmmm now that I think about it her name may not be Yuki...BUT I STILL HATE HER!!!

[Eddie Echoplex]

Just as long as she doesn't end up like Maria Ozawa.

I got curious, so I Wiki'ed her bio...

Like AV idols Anna Ohura and Tina Yuzuki, Maria Ozawa is of mixed-race parentage. Her mother is Japanese and her father is French-Canadian,which gives her a look that has been described as "a perfect balance of Japanese beauty mixed with a dash of exoticism."

I just had to laugh and think "WTF!?" here. I dunno why. And then I saw the pictures... Suddenly I wanted to show up, whisk her away, and teach her another path (she could be a cute architect, I dunno) instead of having to do J-porn. Like a fucking Knight in Shinning Armour.

http://www.toddlockwood.com/resources/images/galleries/books/02/shadow_mt.jpg

[Azrael]

Has anyone listened to some instrumental J-pop? It's either really terrible or really badass. Koda Kumi, for instance, would be bankrupted if her instrumentals were ever to be made public.

"Wait, we can listen to the awesome beats without her voice!? Fuckin' rawk!!"

...and she would be another hot spray addict out on the streets like, the next day.
I think Koda actually does have decent singing voice (at least, not terrible), it just loses to the music and her whole ero-kawaii act. She's not even that sexy, she just has slightly more T&A than the average Japanese girl, and she's far more willing to tease with it.

Hah my friend has some "shady" friends, with access to it. I have viewed a few DVDs on the PS3 with no mosiacs of her. It is older stuff, but like we mentioned, she is damn cute so who cares!
Ah. I know at least one site where you can get uncensored stuff. But it requires a $40 a month membership, so I quit it a little while ago.

And screw the voice talent. Have you heard ANY of Yuki's songs? Here in Nagoya, we have a large busy shopping area called Sakae, and sometimes they play music on speakers that you can hear everywhere, and god I swear, one day they played her filth ALL week there! She sounds like a pregnant cat,getting swung by the tail by a drunk gorilla on it's period after watching an Uwe Boll movie marathon on youtube on 28.8 dialup, while your 80 year old neighbors are trying to respark their sex lives for the 8th time that night...
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Oh Jesus...

Yeah, you're thinking of Yuki. It just goes to show, you don't even need to sing, just have a cutesy gimmick you can exploit the hell out of.

It's kind of sad, because there are artists who can actually sing, but they don't do the gimmick shit so they remain sub-popular.

I swear to God, I should have been born a Japanese female. If I had big tits, all I'd need to do is roll around on a bed in my bra and panties in front of a camera to get paid. If I didn't have tits, then I could inhale helium and sing while bouncing around like a dyslexic 12-year old and have a successful singing career.

Her mother is Japanese and her father is French-Canadian,which gives her a look that has been described as "a perfect balance of Japanese beauty mixed with a dash of exoticism."

I just had to laugh and think "WTF!?" here. I dunno why.
It's actually kind of true though, Japanese women do cute and maybe even beautiful well...but they absolutely suck at sexy.

[Eddie Echoplex]

It's actually kind of true though, Japanese women do cute and maybe even beautiful well...but they absolutely suck at sexy.

Which is why I hate J-Porn in general. The sound of squeaky pain is not apealing to me.

[ミュー]

It's actually kind of true though, Japanese women do cute and maybe even beautiful well...but they absolutely suck at sexy.
...but it's super-cute to watch them try!! Sort of like when babies try to stand, or faggoty little dogs try to frighten a Rotweiler.

Which is why I hate J-Porn in general. The sound of squeaky pain is not apealing to me.
Steer clear of Japanese girls. Not all of them are *that* loud, but if you hit the spot then she'll crank the volume up to 11.

[TommyA]

That is when you make your girl watch American porn. They will learn the right sounds...

So it is Yuki eh? But shit, her music is SO bad I can even remember her name...

Aye on the mostly cute and beautiful for Japanese girls. Although I see a few ads while out shopping, usually at the 9 story shopping malls that is 98% for women, but some of the girls on those ads are sexy as hell. I don't want to hear them talk to ruin the mirage though.

[Azrael]

That is when you make your girl watch American porn. They will learn the right sounds...
Only amateur. I HATE HATE HATE that sucking in noise.

Which reminds me, I actually FORGOT a darndest thing I was going to put in the editorial. Shit.

[Eddie Echoplex]

Only amateur. I HATE HATE HATE that sucking in noise.

Which reminds me, I actually FORGOT a darndest thing I was going to put in the editorial. Shit.

Which one, the J-Porn or the American porn sounds?.

[TommyA]

I know what you mean about the sucking in noise. I only have amateur American porn with me here, as far as DVDs are concerned.

Crap almost time for work and here comes the thunder and lightning...

[Azrael]

Which one, the J-Porn or the American porn sounds?.
American. Watch any pro American porn and you'll see it pretty quickly. "Oh baby...*suuuuu*...I like that...*suuuuu*...oh yeah, more...*suuuuu*..." GODFUCKING DAMNIT THAT IS ANNOYING.

I think I prefer Japanese squeaking over that damn noise.

[Eddie Echoplex]

American. Watch any pro American porn and you'll see it pretty quickly. "Oh baby...*suuuuu*...I like that...*suuuuu*...oh yeah, more...*suuuuu*..." GODFUCKING DAMNIT THAT IS ANNOYING.

I think I prefer Japanese squeaking over that damn noise.

:rofl:

What I hate (besides the noise) it's the cheesy lines. But then agian, no one watches porn for the enthralling acting skills of Jenna Jameson. This is why I (kinda) preffer european porn, but that's a whole 'nother ball game.

[ZaichikArky]

Yeah, I can't see the pictures at all. I can't even go to the main site. I think Az said something about people from Japan not having access to the site?

[japanat]

As has been said above, half-Japanese kids are considered incredibly beautiful at the moment.

Think about it. Japanese photographers photographing kids in Japan. Those kids HAVE to be able to speak Japanese. No photographer is going on a shoot with little English-only kids.Actually, no, they don't. I know a fair number of people who are here short term, but their kids get modeling gigs just because they're western, or at least more western-looking halfs. I even received a phone call from a casting agency when my older son was 6, asking if he'd play young Sherlock Holmes for a NHK production (no casting call necessary - say 'yes' and you're in). Funny thing is, we'd never registered our kids for modeling, and I have no clue how they got our name/number, not to mention that we're close to an hour from the Osaka studios.

And having 'half' kids is a real experience. I actually stopped riding the train for about 6 mos when my first daughter was an infant. I couldn't go anywhere without being stopped and hearing "ハーフの子、かわいいなぁ。欲しい！" ("Half kids are so cute, I want one!). A 10-min walk from Himeji Station to my friend's house would take 20-25min with the baby, so many people would stop me and want to talk. Even now, people look at her with surprise when she speaks native Japanese, although that may be partially due to the Banshuu dialect.

[Eddie Echoplex]

I couldn't go anywhere without being stopped and hearing "ハーフの子、かわいいなぁ。欲しい！" ("Half kids are so cute, I want one!).

That would piss me off. Kids aren't pets.

[Azrael]

I couldn't go anywhere without being stopped and hearing "ハーフの子、かわいいなぁ。欲しい！" ("Half kids are so cute, I want one!).
........ :rofl:

(thinks about it some more)

................... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

How DO you respond to that? "Well, I've got some spare time right now, and there are a couple of good love hotels nearby..." If this missus complains, just tell her you're doing your part to help increase the population with beautiful children.

[japanat]

........ :rofl:

(thinks about it some more)

................... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

How DO you respond to that? "Well, I've got some spare time right now, and there are a couple of good love hotels nearby..." If this missus complains, just tell her you're doing your part to help increase the population with beautiful children.
Yeah, but when most of them are dumpy little obatarians? Of course, that just triples the temptation factor when the asker is actually pretty and stacked...

[erbiumfiber]

Yeah, I've heard about gaijin (100%) kids getting modelling contracts in Tokyo- I have seen children's clothing ads with 100% gaijin kids. But Nissen is a little more low-budget, I think. The kids are definitely half and I still think the photographers are grateful for the Japanese-speaking kids.

I think all of this is incredibly amusing considering a generation ago interracial kids (all over the world) were spoken about in hushed tones as objects of pity or ridicule.

My parents were asked if they would accept an "interracial" foster child (mother was Jewish, father was Puerto Rican- I don't even see how that is interracial). My (now adopted) brother is quite handsome by the way.

[Roxie]

I plan on having mixed babies. Daughters if possible. I'm hoping my black genes will give her T&A, but her Japanese genes will give her a cute face and a slim tummy. Then when she's old enough, I'm shipping her off to TV Land and I'm going to retire comfortably off my allowance from her salary.


It's in the mail. These things take time. It'll still be good when it gets there.
So, you're Crystal Kay'ing it.