Restraining Order...

[fa11en87]

So me and my ex have broken up over 3 years ago, and continues to bother me. In response I have filed a restraining order and now we're going to court this weekend. He's gonna fight the restraining order. We were just simply in a relationship with no kids. I reside in the county of los angeles. Has anyone gone through a similar situation or know someone that has? If you have can you tell me some tips? How is the process in the courtroom. I really don't know much....=(

[l337moomoo]

Kudos to you for taking a stand. I have never had a court experience, but I hope all goes well.

[Lisa M]

Dress nicely. Judges appreciate when someone take the time to look presentable.

[Angelyne]

Find a lawyer. They will be far more helpful than anything posted on an internet message board.

[tweek.3867]

Ouch. Some people just can't take the hint, ne? Good luck.. and yea, lawyers are your friend (if you can foot the bill atleast).

[japanat]

Check with the county Domestic Abuse office. They often help set up or provide lawyers at low cost or free of charge.

[Y.T.]

What's the point ? Walking away isn't enough ?

Buy a gun. Maybe he'll take the hint.

[akitaka]

Though it strays from the topic, I'll have to advise to not to let the restraining order give you a false sense of security. If he's unreasonable enough to bother you after the break-up, let alone persue you to the point of needing legal restraint, there's a good chance that the piece of paper won't matter to him.

While I don't agree with Zakalwe's post in buying a gun, he has a point in that your former spouse needs to know that you're through with him. Don't answer his phone calls (because it rewards his need for attention), keep the cold shoulder, and make sure you have friends/family that know of this issue. The restraining order, at least according to "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker (an author/enthusiast in emotional defense), can back-fire, causing more and more stress for the spouse "slapped" with the legal document. Stressed obsessives get worse with what they think they deserve (you).

Anyways, Japanat's advice will bring a lawyer that can tell you everything that you need to bring your point up. Recorded messages, mails, testimonials, etc.

I'm hoping for the best for you; it can tough when people 'just don't hear it'.

[Orclover]

What's the point ? Walking away isn't enough ?

Buy a gun. Maybe he'll take the hint.


She lives in the Peoples Republic of California, I believe firearms are banned from that country under penalty of getting your hybrid taken away and being forced to eat a hamburger. Here in Texas she would have been issued a handgun or shotgun uppon graduating High School, to each thier own. :gangster:

[Hatsumomo]

Though it strays from the topic, I'll have to advise to not to let the restraining order give you a false sense of security. If he's unreasonable enough to bother you after the break-up, let alone persue you to the point of needing legal restraint, there's a good chance that the piece of paper won't matter to him.

While I don't agree with Zakalwe's post in buying a gun, he has a point in that your former spouse needs to know that you're through with him. Don't answer his phone calls (because it rewards his need for attention), keep the cold shoulder, and make sure you have friends/family that know of this issue. The restraining order, at least according to "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker (an author/enthusiast in emotional defense), can back-fire, causing more and more stress for the spouse "slapped" with the legal document. Stressed obsessives get worse with what they think they deserve (you).

Anyways, Japanat's advice will bring a lawyer that can tell you everything that you need to bring your point up. Recorded messages, mails, testimonials, etc.

I'm hoping for the best for you; it can tough when people 'just don't hear it'.


Quoted for truth. I was going to say something along those lines. In the D.C. area (I think both were in Maryland), we've had two women who were doused with gasoline and set on fire by psycho exes. Both had gotten restraining orders as well. Not to mention I've got stories from friends who got involved with not-so-great guys. All that piece of paper shows is that your ex cannot legally come near you, but it won't actually prevent him from doing so.

I don't know the laws in CA, but in some states, the police can't do anything about stalking until the perp actually physically hurts you. I fully suggest taking self-defense classes and maybe investing in a security system. Have one or more friends with you when you're in public, don't linger alone in parking garages or whatnot, lock your car doors as soon as you get in the car, etc. You know, basic vigilance that even those of us without stalkers should practice in everyday life.

I wish you luck in all of this.

[Kass]

The lawyer is the best advice for what to do in court and akitaka hit it on the head for outside of court.

The second gal that Hatsumomo mentioned actually was lucky enough to not have been set on fire, but that wasn't because her ex didn't try. The first lady is severely disfigured, still undergoing medical treatment nearly two years later and is now an advocate for victims of domestic violence.

Frankly, I'd suggest moving, even if it isn't out of town, and keeping your new address as secret as possible. Only family and your employer really need know. Get a PO box to have your mail forwarded to.

[Plekto]

Still...

It is a black mark on his record and is annoying in the extreme. It's much better to jsut talk it out and work out a solution than get the courts involved.

That is, unless he's a stalker-psycho type. Then your only recourse is to get a big musclebound boyfriend asap. guns and paper won't work, but a buy who can beat the crap out of him is very effective. A big badass dog also works as well for home protection.(My favoirte are Belgian Sheepdogs - very good with kids/families, but protective as well)

[Y.T.]

Guns won't work? ROFL.

I don't think there are any men who can shrug off a 9 mm hole in the head.
And I bet a warning shot would scare away most psychos.

Though... I thought that dousing women with gasoline / acid was restricted to islamic hellholes like Pakistan or Bangladesh, not the US of A. Hard to believe.
I hope the guy who did that will rot in prison for twenty years.

[Karthak]

Though... I thought that dousing women with gasoline / acid was restricted to islamic hellholes like Pakistan or Bangladesh.


Muslims don't have monopoly on madmen, mr. bigot.

[japanat]

Unless you've had experience or are willing to take firearm training, buying a gun is a bad idea. Most people killed by a gun in their own home are killed by their own gun: either through accident or through the murderer getting hold of their gun.

A big dog and moving somewhere with security (gated communities or apartments) is a much better idea. Great Danes are very big, scary looking, and gentle with family; but protective as hell. Dobermans are also good dogs, as well as Shepards. If you can't afford to move, be sure to talk to your neighbors, embarrassing or no, so they can help keep an eye out for you. Get a security system with quick response time, and dead-bolt locks on interior doors in the bedroom and bathroom. Replace your hollow-panel bedroom/bathroom door with a solid wood one. They aren't very expensive at Home Depot or such.

3 years ago, and you need a restraining order; and he's gonna fight it? Make sure you talk to your local police to get a file started on this asshole. It'll give them many more options if there are future problems. Change your phone numbers and email addresses as well, and never talk to him. If you even happen to see him by accident, call the police anyways.

[Kass]

Still...

It is a black mark on his record and is annoying in the extreme. It's much better to jsut talk it out and work out a solution than get the courts involved.

That is, unless he's a stalker-psycho type. Then your only recourse is to get a big musclebound boyfriend asap. guns and paper won't work, but a buy who can beat the crap out of him is very effective. A big badass dog also works as well for home protection.(My favoirte are Belgian Sheepdogs - very good with kids/families, but protective as well)

It's THREE YEARS later and she needs the restraining order. I'd say they are well beyond the talking stage and into psycho territory.

Whether or not it is a black mark on his record isn't really her problem. he's a threat to her wellbeing and tough for him. If he didn't want a black mark on his record, he should have left her alone starting three years ago when they split. Frankly, she's been FAR more patient than necessary. She probably should have done this at least two years ago.

[Y.T.]

Hmph. Call me a bigot for not denying the truth... here are a few links..

http://bicn.com/ezine/features/lifeinbgd/acidsurvivors.htm
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=11024602&dopt=Abstract
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/49870A2F-62E2-4A04-90CD-6000E4F39123.htm


Accurate statistics on the number of attacks in Bangladesh are hard to come by, given the isolated nature of rural communities in Bangladesh, but available evidence suggests an alarming trend: 47 cases were *reported * in 1996, 130 in 1997, and 200 in 1998. The number of unreported cases is thought to be hig



Unless you've had experience or are willing to take firearm training, buying a gun is a bad idea. Most people killed by a gun in their own home are killed by their own gun: either through accident or through the murderer getting hold of their gun.

It's illogical. Besides, the person who started spinning that line of BS included suicides into the statistic. In case you haven't noticed, Japan has very few guns, and still a respectable number of suicides. It's just that in the US people blow their brains out, whereas in Japan, a favourite terminal method is making several thousand people come late to work..

http://www.guncite.com/gun_control_gcdgaga.html

Firearms training is not difficult. Guns are very easy to learn to use effectively. It's much easier than learning any equally effective self-defense without weapons.

Replacing doors and buying dogs ? Surely, the man isn't such a psycho as to commit a break-in .. which afaik is a felony in the US, just to harrass his ex ? And.. people who break in are fair game in the US, or so I think. A shotgun is cheaper than a dog, or a new door.

[japanat]

Unless you've had experience or are willing to take firearm training, buying a gun is a bad idea. Most people killed by a gun in their own home are killed by their own gun: either through accident or through the murderer getting hold of their gun.
It's illogical. Besides, the person who started spinning that line of BS included suicides into the statistic.Um, actually, no. My friend, a Colorado cop (SWAT/gang team, 15-yr veteran at the time), told me this. This statistic is not counting intentionally self-inflicted wounds. This statistic includes people who have shot themselves when they thought the weapon was empty; children who have played with guns thinking they were toys (my friend in JHS killed his brother with a neighbor's gun, thinking it was a lighter!); and thieves who have found the weapon, then been surprised by the homeowner.

Firearms training is not difficult. Guns are very easy to learn to use effectively. It's much easier than learning any equally effective self-defense without weapons.Sure, if the gun is kept loaded next to the bed.

Replacing doors and buying dogs ? Surely, the man isn't such a psycho as to commit a break-in .. which afaik is a felony in the US, just to harrass his ex ? And.. people who break in are fair game in the US, or so I think. A shotgun is cheaper than a dog, or a new door.The fella's been bothering her for 3 yrs after breaking up (which is also a felony in some jurisdictions, and a misdemeanor in most). I don't think new doors are too big a deal.

[Kass]

Replacing doors and buying dogs ? Surely, the man isn't such a psycho as to commit a break-in .. which afaik is a felony in the US, just to harrass his ex ? And.. people who break in are fair game in the US, or so I think. A shotgun is cheaper than a dog, or a new door.

If someone breaks in, you are more likely to survive uninjured by running as opposed to standing your ground. A stronger door buys you time. So does a dog.

If someone breaks in, they aren't necessarily fair game. You can only use justifiable force and if the burglar is unarmed, deadly force isn't justified. It's called "justifiable homicide" for a reason. They have to pose a threat. If they are inside the home, it takes far less to justify the force used, but you still have to justify it and they have to be fully inside the home. You can't shoot them halfway through the window.

There are minor differences from state to state in the technicalities.

[Trump]

I like the way Florida handles it =)

[Kass]

Just drag 'em inside... It's a lot like Texas.

[Orclover]

I am a self described gun nut, lifetime member of the TexNrA (thanks to my Aunt) and have served in the millitary and done extensive armed security work. So please understand how serriously I take this type of request. For a young man or woman who is feeling a need for more security suddenly and has no background in firearms and little interest in getting heavily involved in firearm safety and practices. I would highly suggest getting a can of pepperspray and a dog from the pound, any dog. A can of pepperspray can slowdown someone and distract them for a few precious seconds so you can run for your life (or beat them to death with a lamp). Any loyal dog by your bed is 10 times better security than the largest weapon that you have never fired or learned about. Even a small lap shake-and-pee dog can wake you when it hears something at a window, they make great alarms and alot of them arent afraid one bit to bite a 300lb stranger in the ankles without prompting (believe me I know). Hell a dauchound weighs less than 30lbs, but can be as menacing as a badger and are damn near psychotic in a fight as many scars I have will prove. Any midsized or larger dog is pretty much pound for pound a equal combatant in any fight against an intrudger, and they come primed with a loud noise maker and are naturally armed for close quarters combat. A well fed and well treated dog is usually loyal to the death. Some breeds do not like thier territory invaded, none of the breeds tolorate anybody messing with thier "family". Most breeds of dogs you do not have to train to be aggressive to intruders, hell a PitBull you will have to spade and train NOT to be agressive. Even my giant gentle Irish Wolfhound who is a lovable cuddly 135lb lapdog turns into a frickin Cujo-on-Acid when a stranger goes into the backyard without one of us with em.

Now compare all that to an untrained user with a firearm, which can be taken away. You have to ask yourself some very serious questions:
Can you hold onto the gun even when someone larger than you is pulling at it with all his strength and hitting you?
Are you willing to KILL someone with it? without thinking about it?
Can you honestly say that you can put the gun in a safe place where no stranger or (god help you) child will ever find it or be able to acess it? (your safety is not worth a kids life, ever)

Now the Dog questionair:
Ya gonna feed im?
Ya gonna kill im or get rid of im when he poops on the floor?(he will)
Ya willing to pet and cuddle him so he knows your the most important thing in his world?

If you cant pass either of these test, may I suggest a stint in the United States Marines. Reality looks alot easier to manage after 4-8 years there. Oh and dont get a cat for security, they are only dangerous if you throw them at the intruder like a fastball.

[Kass]

Dachshunds were bred to fight badgers, so they absolutely can be viscious as hell. We had one that would bite anyone who entered the house or backyard without a family member. If one of us was with them, she'd be so happy to see the person, she'd piddle on the floor.

I took her out for a walk once and was sitting on a park bench reading when one of our neighbors came by. She growled at him like a demon dog when he walked up to me. I shook his hand and then she was so happy to see him, she had to pee.

My black lab that was huge and weighed nearly 100 pounds, on the other hand, would cheerully help a burglar load up all our valuables, then show him where the hidden stuff was. Sweet as can be, but not the best guard dog in the world. The security from her was she sounded like a monster behind the door.

[Trump]

But I love labs... great dogs. I guess I would rather get a dog as a fun pet rather than a guard dog.

[TygressVirgo]

Boxers are a good breed of guard dog, although younger ones (0-3 years) are quite hyper. A boxer rescue might be able to set you up with a good steady dog.

I wish i could be of more help and I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

[Plekto]

I second and third the Dog idea. Here's a few other reasons.

- Dogs also are great to take with you outside. Honestly, 90% of all encounters are outside of your home. Your parking lot/space, walking around your neighborhood... etc. Taking a big dog with you immediately makes him think oh, about 5 times before trying anything. And all of the other muggers and such all won't go near you(barring the truly psycho, but then you'd be screwed anyways if he can kil your dog and then come after you)

- Dogs love trips. Car is awesome for them. Nodoby's going to carjack you with a 120lb Shepherd in tow(or at least have much of a face afterwards). Guns... Most places don't like you carrying them concealed or in your car.

- Make good alarms(saying this again). It's pretty easy to train them not to bark at strangers and only intruders. (note some dogs are mean - they won't make ANY noise but will sneak up on the intruder!). The reason I bring this up again is that burglars and stalkers are by definition cowards. They hear a big dog and they start to look elsewhere for an easier target. Often just seeing a large dog-door(plus the half-chewed toys and such that tell them it's not just left from the past owner) is a turnoff. See, a woman can be talked to, reasoned with, overpowered... tons of options. A big dog - it's not going to care WHAT you say. Criminals fear homeowners a tenth as much as they fear dogs.

- Dogs also have a brain. Guns require you to be awake, alert, and know what to do. You can be asleep, injured, or even half-dead and the dog will still be on autopilot going after the guy - often before you can wake up, get your rain unscrambled, and reach for the gun. They also don't go off accidently or end up being misused if you train them right. They are also incredibly hard to steal. ;)

Btw, most illegal guns are obtained by burglaries. You gun while you are at work is just waiting to be taken. Your dog? Peace of mind that your stuff will still be there when you get home.

- Dogs also get special exemptions in a way, legally. If the intruder is in your home, you might not be warranted in shooting him, but the dog can surely bite him without lawyers having a field-day. Even in the now-anal U.K., they still give a pass on dogs reacting to an intruder(especially if there are clear signs that you have a dog). In some areas, it's about the only way to protect your home over there. Can't own a gun, can't fight back - but a big dog - yeah... that works!

- Dogs make great secuirty blankets. ;) They love you unconditionally and the more time you spend with them... well, that's all they really need. Good for those times when you feel depressed or lonely. And always willing to occupy your time if you are bored. Many people don't like being all alone and single, but a dog is a great companion. They also greet you like a long-lost friend when you get home. No empty, cold house and the ticking clock on the wall scenario. It's keys out of your pocket and he's already trying to get through the door to give you attention. :)

- Dogs don't live 20+ years like a cat. Not trying to be mean(I have two cats myself), but they are good for younger women because when the dog passes on in 8-10 years(assuming you find one a couple of years old from a pound), the situation is resolved. It's not nearly as long of a commitment as say, a cat or a horse(30+ years for some horses - ack!)

As for dogs - any sort of Shepherd is good - technically any of the herding group. A Border Collie, for instance, is smart as a typical 6-8 year old child, loyal, big, and stunning to look at. A Belgian sheepdog is probably the second smartest dog after the Collie, but it's better with kids - less high strung. Then of course, the ubiquitous German Shepherd. If they aren't inbred to death(slouching rear end is the giveaway - it should have a somewhat flat back like a normal dog) - they also are great.

Golden Retrievers also are good. Great Danes are like giant clumsy kids - and also fearsome to intruders(though mostly due to their size - heh). Or you could go exotic and get a Great Pyrenees or simmilar. Less common large dogs are great for picking up guys, btw. :)

Just visit the local pounds. Purebred or close to it dogs come through every few weeks at most of them.

[TygressVirgo]

In addition to pounds, another great place to get dogs are from Rescue Orginizations. You can even find certain breeds from these orginizations.

[setrict]

Australian Shepard has been my favorite so far. Most gentle dogs I've ever been around, but tough if they need to be. Mine saved me several times growing up (once from a dobie that knocked me off my bike, and two different rattlesnakes while hiking).

I'll take a dog over a gun for protection any day. And I mean a real dog, not one of those little footballs with fur some people seem to like.

[japanat]

I am a self described gun nut, lifetime member of the TexNrA (thanks to my Aunt) and have served in the millitary and done extensive armed security work. So please understand how serriously I take this type of request. For a young man or woman who is feeling a need for more security suddenly and has no background in firearms and little interest in getting heavily involved in firearm safety and practices. I would highly suggest getting a can of pepperspray and a dog from the pound, any dog. A can of pepperspray can slowdown someone and distract them for a few precious seconds so you can run for your life (or beat them to death with a lamp). Any loyal dog by your bed is 10 times better security than the largest weapon that you have never fired or learned about. Even a small lap shake-and-pee dog can wake you when it hears something at a window, they make great alarms and alot of them arent afraid one bit to bite a 300lb stranger in the ankles without prompting (believe me I know). Hell a dauchound weighs less than 30lbs, but can be as menacing as a badger and are damn near psychotic in a fight as many scars I have will prove. Any midsized or larger dog is pretty much pound for pound a equal combatant in any fight against an intrudger, and they come primed with a loud noise maker and are naturally armed for close quarters combat. A well fed and well treated dog is usually loyal to the death. Some breeds do not like thier territory invaded, none of the breeds tolorate anybody messing with thier "family". Most breeds of dogs you do not have to train to be aggressive to intruders, hell a PitBull you will have to spade and train NOT to be agressive. Even my giant gentle Irish Wolfhound who is a lovable cuddly 135lb lapdog turns into a frickin Cujo-on-Acid when a stranger goes into the backyard without one of us with em.

Now compare all that to an untrained user with a firearm, which can be taken away. You have to ask yourself some very serious questions:
Can you hold onto the gun even when someone larger than you is pulling at it with all his strength and hitting you?
Are you willing to KILL someone with it? without thinking about it?
Can you honestly say that you can put the gun in a safe place where no stranger or (god help you) child will ever find it or be able to acess it? (your safety is not worth a kids life, ever)

Now the Dog questionair:
Ya gonna feed im?
Ya gonna kill im or get rid of im when he poops on the floor?(he will)
Ya willing to pet and cuddle him so he knows your the most important thing in his world?

If you cant pass either of these test, may I suggest a stint in the United States Marines. Reality looks alot easier to manage after 4-8 years there. Oh and dont get a cat for security, they are only dangerous if you throw them at the intruder like a fastball.QFT, top to bottom!

[Hatsumomo]

The second gal that Hatsumomo mentioned actually was lucky enough to not have been set on fire, but that wasn't because her ex didn't try. The first lady is severely disfigured, still undergoing medical treatment nearly two years later and is now an advocate for victims of domestic violence.

Frankly, I'd suggest moving, even if it isn't out of town, and keeping your new address as secret as possible. Only family and your employer really need know. Get a PO box to have your mail forwarded to.

Oh, she wasn't actually set on fire? I just recall the news saying that she was doused and lit up and that the first woman went to visit the second woman and give support.

And I second the moving thing. I've had two friends move apartments because of psycho exes and kept the new address hush-hush.

Man, I'm glad I don't date because apparently the men in my town are freaky assholes.

[Kass]

It wasn't for lack of trying, but it was my understanding from the news that she wasn't burned. Of course, we all know news is never wrong. ;) It's intersting to note that both these cases were in Maryland, not Virginia. I think they both might have been PG County as well. Demographics probably plays a lot into that. Parts of PG County are REALLY ugly.

I strongly recommend the PO box. My guy uses one because he is a probation officer and doesn't want anyone (read criminals) getting hold of his mailing address and finding his home. He actually has a box in another town from his home, which is easy to do in NoVA. I wouldn't go so far as to say get a PO box in another town unless it is only five miles over like here.

It is an interesting idea to ponder, but I wonder if the increase in violence like this has anything to do with the increasing rates of divorce/breakups of longterm relationships. In general, people used to get married and stay that way. Now, they divorce more than half the time or dont get married in the first place, making splitting up easier. It's either that or the population is getting more and more psychotic.

[RandomPasserby]

It is an interesting idea to ponder, but I wonder if the increase in violence like this has anything to do with the increasing rates of divorce/breakups of longterm relationships. In general, people used to get married and stay that way. Now, they divorce more than half the time or dont get married in the first place, making splitting up easier. It's either that or the population is getting more and more psychotic.
I would say that it's because it's more accepted to get divorced now and chances to get protection from psycho ex are better. Also couples have less kids to worry about these days.

So before mommy had a choice to stay with dad or have her kids end up with a mommy in grave and dad in the jail. Now people usually don't have kids who would be doomed after a violent divorce and divorced women are better accepted.

OP should select her dog's breed carefully, great danes for example die young and (mini)dachshunds are often crazy little buggers (friend's minidachshund barked at me like I was the devil first 5 minutes and few hours later slept lovingly with her head against my foot). Mixed breed dogs tend lack most of the genetic diseases and problems though.

[Kass]

But I love labs... great dogs. I guess I would rather get a dog as a fun pet rather than a guard dog.

I adore Labs and would get another in a heartbeat if I could.

The great thing about dogs is you can have both--a fun pet and a guard dog. The dog doesn't have to be mean or intimidating to protect you. Any dog will do that if you give them food, water, a place to do their business, love and a scritch behind the ears periodically.

[King Kong]

Get yourself a Jewish lawyer.

Need I say more? :bwitch:

[Hatsumomo]

It wasn't for lack of trying, but it was my understanding from the news that she wasn't burned. Of course, we all know news is never wrong. ;) It's intersting to note that both these cases were in Maryland, not Virginia. I think they both might have been PG County as well. Demographics probably plays a lot into that. Parts of PG County are REALLY ugly.

You seriously could not pay me enough to move to Maryland period, let alone PG County and especially Baltimore. If I stay in this area, I'm staying in Northern VA, thanks.

I wonder if there's a significant difference in these kinds of crimes between Maryland and VA. I should probably look this up.