Japanese corrections? (to a song)

[deepbluevibes]

shi e (until death)
kanojo no aoi me (your blue eyes)
boku ai de (i love)

kyoo (today)
ashita (tomorrow)
samui sora wa hikari to aoi (cold skies are bright and blue)

kudasai (please)
kanojo ga boku o ai hanashita (say you love me)

watashi-tachi wa PERFECT de (we are perfect)

boku no kuro me ni (in my dark eyes)

kudasai (please)
aka HEART (red heart)
kanojo no atsui HEART (your hot heart)
doramu FOR ME (drum for me)

nani wa kanojo no ai de ka (what is your love?)
itsu wa kanojo no ai de ka (when is your love?)
naze wa kanojo no ai de ka (why is your love?)
dare wa kanojo no ai de ka (who is your love?)

ossu (hello)
oyasumi nasai, boku no kanojo (goodnight and sweet dreams, my girlfriend...)

"love you" (love you)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

my friend is starting to learn japanese, and she wrote this as a test of her abilities, so to speak.

she wanted me to ask "my japanese speaking friends" (that would be you guys) if there is anything grammar or vocab wise that she screwed up on.

and no she's not a lesbian; she's writing this again, just as a generic love song. lmao

[hapacheese]

Gah... That's hard.

You can't do a word for word translation, particularly of poetry/music.

For example, "Please." That does not really translate into "kudasai." Even though in the dictionary, it lists it as one of the translations, the uses of the word are completely different. You'd have to completely restructure the flow of the passages and stuff to make it make any sense.

[Varia]

Well, like, the whole song is in fragments. There's no real...substance. It's just like half a sentence here and there.

One thing that stands out as odd to me is her use of "de". It's kind of like Kansai-ben. She probably didn't intend that, though. It doesn't quite make much sense, either. de is not the informal version of desu. That would be da. In Kansai-ben, de is similar to because.

Please doesn't work like that in Japanese. Kudasai is the politer form of kurete (te form of kureru), which doesn't mean please, but give me, or do something for me.

In songs, I don't think it's very common for people to use kanojo as your. I think kimi is much more commonly used and has a better feel to it.

She says watashitachi, but in the next line she uses boku. She should keep consistency and say bokutachi. Plus it sounds more guy'ish.

ai is a noun and the verb is aisu. Even in love songs, aisu isn't used that often. Suki or daisuki is more common.

There are other things, too. Maybe someone else will explain them... I wanna take a nap.
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[Ketay]

Aisu? Isn't the verb form Ai Suru 「愛する」? Or did someone not tell me something. ._.

Hmm... And are there english words in it due to not knowing how to say that? Or because that's what Japanese songs do. At least they actually make sense and aren't wierd, unlike most Japanese songs. =P

And do Japanese really have sentences like "Boku Ai De"? =/

[hapacheese]

Oh, I know the English is in fragments as well, I'm just saying that it makes even less sense when translating directly into Japanese.

I think her use of "de" is the particle, not the Kansai-ben thing :D

When I have a little more free time, I'll go through and make what corrections I can, but without completely rewriting the whole thing, it'll never be quite right.

[deepbluevibes]

Well, like, the whole song is in fragments. There's no real...substance. It's just like half a sentence here and there.


the following things are from her reading your reply, this is her comments on what you've said.

"a lot of songs i've seen in japanese, especially j-pop, do this also, i.e. using half sentences and such."

One thing that stands out as odd to me is her use of "de". It's kind of like Kansai-ben. She probably didn't intend that, though. It doesn't quite make much sense, either. de is not the informal version of desu. That would be da. In Kansai-ben, de is similar to because.

"that was my mistake, i meant to use da."

In songs, I don't think it's very common for people to use kanojo as your. I think kimi is much more commonly used and has a better feel to it.

"i was using kanojo as "girlfriend" at one point, and it was also used as your, yes, but it was used as your in the sense that i was talking about my girlfriend as if the singer is a guy. isn't kimi for saying "your" to guys? 0_o"

She says watashitachi, but in the next line she uses boku. She should keep consistency and say bokutachi. Plus it sounds more guy'ish.

"yes, but saying bokutachi = us guys. i was talking about us as in the guy *and* the girl as a group, so i wanted to keep it unisex."

ai is a noun and the verb is aisu. Even in love songs, aisu isn't used that often. Suki or daisuki is more common.

"isn't suki/daisuki "like"? I wanted to use love, but i didn't know about aisu, thanks."

[koku]

I can answer the last one :P

suki is like as you know, but even though daisuki might translate into "like alot" as far as it's significance and how often it's used, I think it's alot more accurate to "love" than aisu.

as often as people here say I love you...i think daisuki would be as significant.

As far as love and ai/aisu, love is used ALOT more often and Aisu is used alot less than one would think. That's why I think aisu is too strong to translate into Love the way we as americans know the word. That's why direct translations sometimes screw over what you want to say :P

I'll let the pros touch the rest.

[Pierrot le Fou]

shi e (until death)
死ぬまで (shinu made, until death)
kanojo no aoi me (your blue eyes)
彼女の青い目が (kanojo no aoi me ga)
boku ai de (i love)
愛す (aisu, I love)

kyoo (today)
今日も (kyoumo, both today)
ashita (tomorrow)
明日も (ashitamo, and tomorrow)
samui sora wa hikari to aoi (cold skies are bright and blue)
寒い空が青くて光っている (samui sora ga aoku hikatteiru, the cold skies are glowing with blue)

kudasai (please)
お願い (onegai, [honorrific] please)
kanojo ga boku o ai hanashita (say you love me)
僕に愛をくれて (boku ni ai kurete, give me your love)

watashi-tachi wa PERFECT de (we are perfect)
私達はパーフェクトで (watashitachi wa perfect de)

boku no kuro me ni (in my dark eyes)
この黒目に　(kono kuro me ni, into these black eyes)
* I have no idea what you're trying to say here

kudasai (please)
お願い (onegai, honorrific please)
aka HEART (red heart)
赤ハート (aka heart, red heart)
* this line makes little sense, I think, but just a hunch (red heart ain't that Japanese methinks)
kanojo no atsui HEART (your hot heart)
doramu FOR ME (drum for me)
DRUM FOR ME

nani wa kanojo no ai de ka (what is your love?)
彼女の愛は何？ (kanojo no ai wa nani, what is your love?)
itsu wa kanojo no ai de ka (when is your love?)
彼女の愛はいつ？ (kanojo no ai wa itsu, when is your love?)
naze wa kanojo no ai de ka (why is your love?)
彼女の愛はなぜ？ (kanojo no ai wa naze, why is your love?)
dare wa kanojo no ai de ka (who is your love?)
彼女の愛は誰？ (kanojo no ai wa dare, who is your love [embodied by?])

ossu (hello)
* This would really not be used towards a girlfriend most likely, it's like a 40 year-old man to 40 year-old man greeting, not really for women so much, at least where I am.
oyasumi nasai, boku no kanojo (goodnight and sweet dreams, my girlfriend...)
お休み彼女 (oyasumi kanojo, g'night girlfriend)

"love you" (love you)

[hapacheese]

samui sora wa hikari to aoi (cold skies are bright and blue)
寒い空が青くて光っている (samui sora ga aoku hikatteiru, the cold skies are glowing with blue)

Just a quick correction.

"Samui" is only used when referring to how a person feels. For example, you can say "kyou wa samui," but you're really saying that "today makes you cold."

"Tsumetai" is the adjective used to describe objects that are cold.

[hanacker]

She says watashitachi, but in the next line she uses boku. She should keep consistency and say bokutachi. Plus it sounds more guy'ish.

Does it? Every song with "bokutachi" that's in my head at the moment (I think they're all by Ayumi Hamasaki for some reason) is sung by a girl. Do guys use "bokutachi" in love songs? All the guy songs in my head are hip hop, and they all say "oretachi".

[Varia]

Yeah, because watashitachi is too lame (guys don't really use watashi outside of formal situations) and oretachi is too strong. bokutachi is just right.
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[hapacheese]

Ayumi uses boku in her songs, but that's not the norm. Chara uses it on occasion, too, but again, not the norm.

"Boku" is primarily a male word. It's meant to be softer than "ore," often used by young boys, and also older men who want to come across as less aggressive.

Fukuyama Masaharu and Yamazaki Masayoshi are two examples of male singers/songwriters that use "boku."

[hanacker]

Ok, what about "bokura"? I still can't think of a male song with bokutachi but I did come up with a SMAP song with bokura.

[hapacheese]

Same thing. They're both the same, and both masculine.

The female equivalent would be watashitachi/atashitachi.

[Henjin]

Nakashima Mika uses 'boku' in some of her songs. I think that's cool... But that's just me. Heh. And I wrote some of my own songs in Japanese... Not to steal any thunder, but here goes:

何って言ったんだよ。
お前はぜったい阿呆だ。
何を見てんだよ。
放っといてくれな～。
何って、このやろう。
昨日も喧嘩したんだ
お前を殺そう
走ったらいいんだ

It's a love ballad.

[EIJI]

Pierro’ｓ Translation is GREAT!
Let me have a another try. but don't ask me why I did, becouse its a poem. :)

死ぬまで
僕は彼女の碧い瞳を
愛す

今日も、明日も、
空が青く、冷たく光っている

お願いだから、僕に愛を！

僕の漆黒の瞳に
君の姿を永遠に残したい。

レッド・ハート！僕に教えてくれ！
what is your love?
why is your love?
who is your love?

君の瞳に映るのは誰？
おやすみ、僕の漆黒の瞳のなかで。

[Pierrot le Fou]

Clearly there are some jobs best done by native speakers.

Like all of them.

And stuff.

I am humbled.

[EIJI]

I'm just inspired by your translation.
It still belonges to you, pierrot.

[Pierrot le Fou]

It was a group effort.

A 乾杯 (kanpai/toast) to the 和 (wa/social harmony).

お疲れ様。

[deepbluevibes]

Wow, when I first saw her song I knew there were some errors, but damn... now i'm worried about my own japanese >.>

for instance, if some of those lines were OUT of the song and just normal speaking, like the "samui sora wa hikari to aoi" etc. and i said that to a japanese teenager, since i'm foriegn, would they kind of "get it" and realize what i'm trying to say, or would that be WAY too far off?

Also I thought "ossu" was slang for "hello" between teenagers, this is totally wrong?

[hapacheese]

Wow. Methinks pierrot's transformation is almost complete.

[deepbluevibes]

not to be buggy.. but still wondering? >.>

[koku]

Does it? Every song with "bokutachi" that's in my head at the moment (I think they're all by Ayumi Hamasaki for some reason) is sung by a girl. Do guys use "bokutachi" in love songs? All the guy songs in my head are hip hop, and they all say "oretachi".


tomoko van from Do As Infinity also has used boku!

and yeah, Boku can be used in a humbling way.

[Pierrot le Fou]

Transformation to what? A student of Japanese? A songwriter-translator who needs extra help? A Japanese person of marginal literacy? Please inform.

[deepbluevibes]

lol im getting trampled ><

[hapacheese]

Into a part of the 和.

The Matrix has you, Pierrot.

Knock, knock :D


edit: and sorry, deepblue. I thought you were still asking for a translation, which had already been posted. Didn't see your previous post (which I missed on the last page of this thread).


for instance, if some of those lines were OUT of the song and just normal speaking, like the "samui sora wa hikari to aoi" etc. and i said that to a japanese teenager, since i'm foriegn, would they kind of "get it" and realize what i'm trying to say, or would that be WAY too far off?

First off, like I said earlier, "samui" is used incorrectly here. Still, they would *likely* understand what you're trying to say, but if it would be like if I were to say to you, "An ice sky is a light and a blue." You could generally piece the words together, but it would be really awkward. (Oh, and "hikari" is used incorrectly here, too... Hikari means "light," but it's a noun. So, saying "sora wa hikari" is like saying "sky is a blue.")

Also I thought "ossu" was slang for "hello" between teenagers, this is totally wrong?

It's a shortened/slang version of "good morning" (ohayougozaimasu = ossu). But, is sometimes used as a general greeting.

[deepbluevibes]

Ok, i got it. Sort of like how when foreigners come here and they say stuff that doesn't make any sense but if you think about it they make sense, just using the wrong words.

Also, how forgiving are the general populace of Tokyo in that area? I've heard they're more forgiving than most, but i just wanted to make sure.

i.e. some of my friends, when having to listen to people who can't speak proper english, just ignore them. wondering how much you think that would happen in tokyo.