I Torture Myself: Horrible Anime Reviews.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

In a sense I'm preparing reviews for my friends 1337Week website. He needs to buckle down and start updating it more often anyway.

So I've decided to review really really bad anime. Which, by the way, isn't hard to find. However, how do I tell the difference between good and bad anime. Well first I started with Wikipedia. Then I went on Google and just randomly searched until I got to the bad grammar section and perverted anime lovers. Most, if not all, was 4chan. Although I did manage to find my way into the under pits of the Internet. You know, that area that you are so ashamed to visit that you don't even tell your online friends that you went there.

The under pit represents an actual armpit. It smells, its hairy, and no one wants to see it.

When I found that place I also managed to find Kasimasi ~Girl Meets Girl~ which I just assumed was some yuri anime without any hentai.

But I was f***in wrong.

So I'll start off by reviewing it by 2 episodes in a row. If I'm lucky I won't have a tumor by the time I'm done watching all of this.

Episode 1:The Boy Who Transforms
*sigh*
This is what threw me off. The title. The title actually didn't pop up at first.

What started was a big eyed anime girl with red hair (which is a lie in Japan) sitting in some oddly short school girl outfit. All of a sudden another big eyes anime girl walks in. She starts to talk to the red haired one although there is no audio. She immediately grabs her hand and whispers in her ear. Then she lunges and there is some shadow kissing. It's implied, but you don't really see it.

ALL OF A SUDDEN GODZILLA RIPS THROUGH THE CEILING AND STARTS TO EAT THE ANIMATORS!

Actually I wished that happened. What really happened was some OTHER girl walks in and sees them kissing. She freaks out and this is oddly reminding me of Az's "Worst Porn Ever"

I learn later that this Red haired girl is Hazumo. A boy. No really. He's a boy who is climbing up a mountain because some girl rejected him.

I think Joe Lieberman knows exactly how he feels. Only instead of a girl it's the Democratic party. And instead of crying he just goes, "A BOODY BOO BOO BOO!"
http://manifoldreality.org/images/joe_lieberman.jpg

Anyway, there's this whole incident where his friends, who names escape me. Well, actually, I just didn't care. Anyway I guess the names are Tamori-chan and Yasuna-chan. There are flashbacks where all "his" friends tell him to be a man and confess your feelings to Yasuna-chan. Which become the biggest irony in the world.

I use "his" in quotations because automatically, even though Hazumo looks like some Pansy guy, sounds like a girl. They didn't even bother to try to get a male voice actor in. Which is ironic because whenever he transforms (which is a hilarity on its own merit) they all are like "ZOMG HIS VOICE IS CHANGED!" Which is doesn't. He still sounds the same. Idiots.

While Hazumo is reflecting on a mountain and all his friends are looking for him all of a sudden it cuts to an alien ship orbiting Earth. Trust me this isn't the weirdest part. They start to crash land and it cuts to NASA. The weirdest part is that, what I notice is, the alien ship looks like a huge penis. Yup, a penis. Anyway...

All it does is say NASA. Then there are some people speaking English. BAD ENGLISH. I got the whole conversation here.

"We detected an Unidentified Flying Object. It's obviously man-made. The size is about 6,560 feet long (huge penis)."

"Within 3 minutes and 36 seconds. It will crash into ground."

"Recheck it! Don't you understand? We're not allowed to make any mistakes this time!"

"I'm afraid that that's the fact."

"All data prove existence."

"What the heck...? Aliens attack you say? EMERGENCY! A call to the president!"

I couldn't stop laughing. This anime was taking itself too seriously around this point.

Hazumo's friends go to his parents house and they freak out and do some really weird gestures. All of a sudden a woman appears. She is his teacher and has gone without a boyfriend for 35 years. That's a fact. Why? Because she constantly says it...in each episode. She falls in a hole and her legs stick up. This seems to be an ongoing gag. Oh well, I know why you don't have a boyfriend.

We cut back to Hazumo who sees a shooting star. He instantly starts praying for a loving relationship over and over. He still sees the star and wishes to be more manly and then the ship hits him and turns him into a girl.

Oh well, we all can't get what we wish for.

The ship magically appears over the sky and transmits to every single nation on Earth. I'm not going into details, but this is what it basically says:
"We be speakin to you yo bout how we f**ked up an crashed. We hit this boy here'z and now he'z a girl. It's irreversible. Oh well, f**k you. Peace out!"

Then they leave and a naked Hazumo floats down to his friends when they see him as a girl. She wakes up and instead of freaking out about the whole event just smiles and closes her eyes.

The episode ends.

*twitch*

[Karthak]

Don't do this, dude! You will suffer brain damage if you watch any more.

[h2orowe]

This has me slighty intrigued. I might watch it, and some other horrible anime just to one up you!

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

Episode 2-Girl Realizes Shes a Girl
Ya know.

It's an episode like this that makes me glad that there are only 12 of them. I don't know if I can take anymore and the plot twist at the end doesn't help at all.

The episode starts off with Hazumu being poked, prodded, and examined by doctors and scientist. Cause, ya know, if someone magically transforms into a girl your gonna have to examine some sh*t. A week has passed since the penis alien ship incedent. Hazumu is released...AFTER A WEEK!

How bout we stick with reality please. I mean, GOD, it's Japan for Gods sake. We've gotta rape her a few times and find some tentacle monster before we let her go. Man they aren't even following regulations. I hope someone gets fired.

Anyway Hazumu is released back to the hands of her parents. Her mom always wanted a girl and is pleased. You know, because normal mothers aren't creeped out by this kind of thing. Her dad, on the other hand, is just a creepy bastard. He wants to take a bath with his son/daughter.

That's not a joke.

Her mom intervenes though and stomps the hell out of him. You know, because this anime has standards.

Hazumu decides to go to school.

Lets stop there for a second. If, and I mean if, I was magically transformed into a different sex and everyone in the ENTIRE planet knew it happened. The last thing I would want to do is GO TO F***ING SCHOOL! I mean I have to explore a little bit THEN I go to school. GOD! This anime just does not keep with the reality.

Hazumu's mom stops her and tells her she has to dress in a school girls uniform. You know, because it makes sense. Hazumu goes downstairs and all of her friends are surprised to see her in this. It funny because were more shocked to see her in a girls uniform than actually seeing her transform into a girl right before their eyes.

The irony astounds me.

Hazumu and co are stopped by thousands of reporters and her friend Tamori saves her by stomping through all of them. The reporters chase and some of that funny British music plays. A couple of cops run by. They chase cops. Someone slips on a banana peel. It's all in good fun.

Actually what really happens is the teacher who hasn't had a boyfriend in 35 years, just in case we forgot, decides to stop them. She is of course thrown into a sewer with her legs sticking up. To run the gag in the ground when it was just being born as well.

Hazumu goes to school with everyone shocked she is a girl. C'mon! The aliens told you. Might as well accept it now you pricks. Tamori decides to teach Hazumu how to be a girl because she obviously has no idea what she is doing.

Neither does the animators because they draw off of every sterotype there is in Japanese culture.

First she has to go to PE, but is afraid to change in front of the other girls. The other girls don't mind because, "Oh it's just Hazumu." Which leads to my idea that they girl who was a guy before was a total pussy and might as well been a girl anyway. I'm sure that's what the animators were playing on.

You crybaby. I want to punch you in the overies.

Ahem, anyway, some random stuff happens with Tamori teaching Hazumu how to be a girl. She also has to fight off Hazumu's male friend from grabbing and being a pervert.

....

*sigh*

You know, I give up. I really do. Let's just say, hypothetically, your best guy friend who you have known all your life turns into a girl. Is the first thing popping in your head "boobies boobies boobies!". Too creepy for my taste and my friend would be one UGLY female.

Hazumu is now taken for a bra fitting. Because it had to be squeezed in (heh) in this episode. Hazumu is 70C if anyone cares to know.

Oh I'm gonna skip the other junk because it's not important. Basically Hazumu was a huge vagina when he was a guy and is just "being himself" when he's a girl. Which basically means he's a girl. That's the point of the episode. That's it. Oh and there is gonna be a psudo lesbian make-out scene somewhere down the road. If your watching the anime just for that then skip to Episode 12 and then never be seen in public.

*twitch*

[PopCulturePooka]

Here I'll help.

All anime is terrible, therefor watching any Anime will qualify.

[Joe]

Here I'll help.

All anime is terrible, therefor watching any Anime will qualify.

Yeah, Pooka is very right, and very attractive. The majority of anime is really fucking bad, the Japanese have this really thin grip on reality, you've been here how long, number17? You should know that.

And man, lay off the political jokes, they don't suit you.

[Daishikaze]

Wrong, Anime has its true gems, you just gotta wade through alot of crap to find them.

[Mechs]

Why are you subjecting yourself to this abomination of an anime again?

[kilreli]

i personally found the reviews to be...not so great. it just seemed like you were trying to hard to be funny. and also, for hating the anime so much, you seemed to be fien enough to sit through all the episodes. well i dunno, something just doesnt feel right about the review.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

i personally found the reviews to be...not so great. it just seemed like you were trying to hard to be funny. and also, for hating the anime so much, you seemed to be fien enough to sit through all the episodes. well i dunno, something just doesnt feel right about the review.

Dude, don't be polite if it wasn't funny then say it sucked.

I thought explaining it with commentary would be humor enough. Especially with the giant penis vessel (heh).

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

Episode 4:Girl Triangle

I had to pause through this episode quite a few times just to remind myself to breathe. Whenever I watch the next episode I'm going to hook myself up to one of those breathing machines they give to coma patients. That way I can just let myself go brain dead as this garbage parades itself in front of my eyes.

You must be wondering, "Why oh why Rob did you skip Episode 3?" Eh, you aren't missing much. In a nutshell, they try to femalize Hazumu more (as if that was possible) and Tamori starts to sorta/kinda develop feelings for Hazumu as Yasuna ignores her. In episode 2 the aliens who crashed their penis ship into Hazumu crashes with her now in her house. It's basically like someone shooting your dog and then asking you if they can have money for doing you a favor. Only this is ten times worse and you have to pee sitting down.

Anyway, basically Hazumu is trying to be friends with Yasuna again and that succeeds. You don't miss much.

I decided watch this little gem somewhere around waking up at 5 AM to beat shoppers at Black Friday sales and spilling hot coffee all over my crotch. Not because it was an accident, but I thought I might be getting some sort of erection and that quickly stopped it.

Permanent physical scarring aside lets just move on to the emotional. This episode mind rapes you in a way you couldn't possibly imagine. I thought UFO Princess Valkurie was insane (I'll review that one later), but this one beats it. It stops trying to make sense really.

The episode opens up with, well the obvious cheesy J-Pop music. In fact I haven't really got into that. I never intend to either because the first lines are:
"Everybody, Please to meet you. Pretty party with everything on." I just skip it hoping the singer dies in a trainwreck somewhere in Japan.

It opens up with Tomari sitting in a classroom looking outside at the rain. This obviously reflects whatever sad emotion she's feeling. She is looking out and see's Hazumu and Yasuna messing with plants. In the rain. Yasuna picks a strawberry and start to eat it. She then feeds it to Hazumu and they comment on how sour it was. They both laugh. Lightning flashes and God explodes. Thus proving Nietzsche correct.

The episode is starting with, what is, somewhat of a girl triangle. Love triangle that is. Not in the good way either. Just in the crappy anime emotional gray area that no one wants to be at too long. If you are you start to emulate it and people hate you for it. Know why people cosplay? This is why. In fact if I ever see a guy cosplay as Hazumu I will effectivly terminate my life by blowing myself up whilst holding on to a Sociology book.

Please don't look for it on the internet. I like to stay alive for whatever stupid purpose I was meant for.

The alien that is staying with Hazumu ends up becoming Tsuki's teaching assistant. You know, THE ONE WHO HASN'T HAD A BOYFRIEND IN ALL 35 YEARS OF HER LIFE! Man that gets funnier every time. She falls down some stairs. She apperently has a crush on the spandex wearing penis ship alien guy who wants to examine humans.

Which basically got me to thinking. If aliens were to effectivly get the gist of humanity from Japan and they lean on the idea of interstellar war. Then I'd say we were screwed. In fact I think that was the whole premise of Half-Life 2 and don't let anyone else tell you any different. Half-Life 2 happened because of Japan.

I forgot to mention the character Puu because I wanted to forget. Puu is the penis ship.

That's not a joke.

Puu is made into a physical manifestation and a likeness of Hazumu because it supposedly is sapposed to make sense later on. She floats around and dicks about as if she is sapposedly an important character. She also tends to grab Hazumu's breast from time to time and go "so soft".

Now you know why I had to remind myself to breath.

There is something interesting about Yasuna. Everytime she see's a guy she see's them as a blur. This is sapposed to be the best explanation they can give as to why Yasuna is more attracted to Hazumu when she is a girl instead of a guy.

You know I never knew how lesbians work out. Apperently all lesbians are really just straight women. The problem is that they have this condition where they can only see guys in a blur and have to go to the next best thing. I hope they find a cure for that, or, at best, some effective legislation.

Yasuna takes Hazumu out shopping and finds a nice puke green dress for her. You know, because its a magically alien penis ship transformation girl thing. Something we guys wouldn't understand at all. Some retarded fanservice flashes and Yasuna decides, "What the hell, I want to look like an idiot as well."

They go for a walk down the street and see a couple. They are wearing the same shirts and Hazumu comments on it. Yasuna says they must be lovers. Yasuna does a Fraudian slip and says, "Do we look like that also, as lovers?" Some akwardness happens and their faces go red. Hazumu quickly changes the subject by suggesting Karaoke.

Smooth way to get out of that one.

They are sitting in a small room and Hazumu reflects on previous experiances with Karaoke with Tamori. They laugh, but OOPS, their faces get too close. Moment of truth girl, don't screw this up, oh man kiss her you know you want to. Just do it. Make this series a complete waste of time. Oh wait, no, no, she backs away! The ref takes away 12 dignity points and Rob cries himself to sleep at night.

Hazumu then trips over a cord and falls on Yasuna. Yasuna reaches her hand to Hazumu's face. DUN! It cuts to Tomari. Who is depressed. *yawn*

It cuts back to Yasuna as she's in her room. She is reflecting on the incident. Hazumu obviously was a pussy and didn't go for it. Making this series drag out longer then it needs to.

It cuts back to Hazumu sitting at her house with...her father...taking photos of her. Hazumu just ignores it as if that was normal. Minor crap jokes aside the incest hints in this series doesn't help. What makes it worse is that it doesn't make sense in the first place. Why is she even living in that house anymore? Shouldn't DCS of been called before the transformation? It doesn't help that the perverted father...undo's...the strap...on the dress...

Then the mother comes in and does a suplex on the father. Something Triple H got from before WWE.

Tomari stopps by and gives a CD back to Hazumu. I guess just to see her again. Hazumu is happy to see her, thus starting the royal rumble between her and Yasuma. If there was pudding somewhere in the mix of this I'm sure somewhere I kitten is dying. Hear that Domo Kun! You have a contender.

Tomari leaves and is then confronted by one of their creepy friends. I never mentioned her before because I never had the patience to keep track of more than 3 character and I'm sure as hell not going to start now. She gives Tomari two choices: Step up or step down. Tomari runs away.

It's the next day at school and Tomari is looking at Yasuna and Hazumu at a distance. They are ready to leave as all of a sudden Yasuna looks back and shuns Tomari. OHH SNAP! That bitch just ditched you AND IS TAKIN' YO WOMAN! You better get up in her grill and all that like K-Fed and start bustin' her harder than Playing With Fire. Now in stores today. Pick up a copy. Please. K-Fed really needs the money to pay child support and help support his growing weed addiction. You don't have to listen to it. Use it as a door stop, ice scraper, or even an effective weapon if you carve it right.

By the time this episode was over I was naked in this chair drooling all over myself and there was feces eveywhere. On the other end there was words written on the wall that said, "Get me out of here" And for some reason I had picture posted where I was humping a road cone.

I'm not sure if this had anything to do with it, but I feel like I should blame it anyway.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

Episode 5: Why oh why am I still doing this?

By the time I got to this episode I wondered if there really was anything coming out of Japan worthwhile. I then reminded myself about Battle Royal and decided that the country isn't all bad.

Then I watched this and decided we should attack Japan again.

All jokes aside, Japan isn't a bad country because their animators are just like our fanboys. Only we are lucky enough for them to have 15 minutes of fame.

This episode mind rapes you like the last ones. It's interesting because when it comes to rape the person usually doesn't go back to get raped again. Not in my case, I'm an idiot. I was also asked what it means to be "mind raped". It simply is, a penis being jammed in and out of your ear, back and forth until they climax inside of your brain and you are left sobbing.

This episode opens up with Yasuna drawing a picture of Hazumu. She's fawning over her, despite the fact that you dumped her before. Oh well, I'm sure they will give us some dumb reason as to why you did it. They do in fact. I think it involves a flute, a pinapple, and the 1972 New York Yankee's. I hear that wasn't a good year for them.

This episode is dedicated to Yasuna and what is wrong with her. She has a weird illness that makes her shy around guys, much less able to see them. I wasn't exactly sure why this was implimented. Much less useful. I guess they want you to feel sorry for the character. Why? Because she can't see guys and must go to the next best thing. A penis ship instant transgendered girl who ironically was a girl in a guys body in the first place.

I just realized that the first episode was pointless. You might as well just made Hazumu a girl and had aliens crash land....

I've been watching this for too long because now I'm trying to change the plot to better suit my taste. ARGH!

In fact this whole freakin' anime is a pointless plot twisting jab in the testicles. They drag the whole thing out and even change the tone towards the last episodes. It's like Dawson's Creek except now its Dawson's SUPRISE!

That makes me think about how much I would love to see Katie Holms in a lesbian sex scene...

I forgot where I was.

It becomes apperent now the Hazumu's best friend (the guy) is in love with her. If you forget normal this makes sense...then again it doesn't. They go to sschool and do stuff. This stuff is unimportant and I really don't want to explain. I could get an anyurism.

Yasuna can only see guys in a blur and they are becoming aware of that now. She's shy and antisocial around them and totally loves strap ons. If you call to order you can get 3 copies of Transgenders Gone Wild: Strap On Edition.

We then go to the Hazumu residence. The mother is gone and the dad is so happy that NOW he gets to "accidently" walk in on his "daughter". Aren't quotations fun, eh? He incest being is put into explination when he starts to fantisize. Him "accidently" walking in on his "daughter" as she is taking a bath. He says, "Oh sorry" but Hazumu goes "NO DADDY I WANT YOU TO WASH MAH BACK!" We can only assume that somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer, is smiling. Okay, I'm not exactly sure what the guy did, but I'm pretty sure it was similar to this. So he sneaks...then all of a sudden he is hit with a rocket. They couldn't hit him hard enough. Apperently the useless character Puu is protecting Hazumu as she takes a bath....

Crap...this all happens in another episode...they are all starting to blend because they DRAG THE F**K ON TOO LONG! Oh my GOD! It's like one person talks for one scene and we have to wait 2 minutes for a blade of grass to move in the f***ing wind! The series suffers heavily from this from this point forward and it pisses me off. I'm left having to skip ahead 5 minutes in the show and I haven't missed a f***ing THING!

I dunno, some junk happens. They are at school and Yasuna finally explains that she can't see men. It happened when she was 3. I haven't heard of a condition that does this, but if a person can get hit with a penis ship and survive then I'm sure anything is possible.

She runs away and decides that she isn't going to anymore and goes kiss Hazumu. Hazumu lets it happen because, hey, she's got it rough. Might as well right? Tamori see's this and says "she is happy for them". Liar. She runs off and Hazumu tries to chase her. Yasuna does this weird t.A.t.U thing and thanks her for "accepting her".

The show ends.

Sorry if this wasn't funny or entertaining, but I really had nothing to work with. This was the slowest and dumbest episode of the bunch. It gets worse after this when it drags on and gets too "cute". Its not a good kind of "cute" either. Its the kind of "cute" when you see a kitten in a kennel be put down. Then you go, "aww that's precious".

*sigh*

[Mechs]

Poor guy, and you still have 7 more episodes and a OAV too :(.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

Poor guy, and you still have 7 more episodes and a OAV too :(.

THERE'S AN OVA!?

OH F**k THAT!

[Trump]

By even trying to review "bad anime" you are proving how sick and perverted you really are. Bad anime boils down to animated porn.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

There is a blog for this now just in case anyone is willing to read what I got. I will no longer be posting here: http://horribleanimereviews.blogspot.com/