Wizdom
09-07-2005, 01:14 AM
Aint That A Bitch
Depending on how well this is received.
This is the first editorial of a series that will illustrate crazy events that happens to me.
Damn that roommate part one.
*Disclaimer: this may contain explicit material that may gross out some people.
The setup:
Ok I have a roommate that for lack of a better word is an idiot. Well he’s not so much of an idiot as he doesn’t have any common sense. He was a momma’s boy all his life and doesn’t know the first thing about responsibility or taking care of himself.
In this episode he decides to bless us with his infinite wisdom and fortitude in the bathroom.
One day after a hearty meal of taco bell I grab my PSP and a head to the thrown. Most guys can attest that there is nothing better than sitting on the throne doing your business while reading a magazine or playing a videogame.
Well on this particular evening I decided to play hot shots golf on my PSP while “ doing the dew” to use the parlance of our times. I even actually got 4 under par.
So when it was time to clean up shop, my worst nightmares were realized, there was no toilet paper on the roll!! I let out a death howl like Mariah Carey in a bear trap!
I then cursed my non-present roommate in every language known to man and some made up gibberish to boot. I was so mad because I always refill the roll and buy extra rolls just in case. But my impotent roommate couldn’t even replace the roll.
When I finally calmed down my brain went into McGuyver mode. What can I use as a substitute? I looked everywhere and curse the bastard didn’t even refill the paper towels, paper napkins or even tissues. I was so desperate I would have even used loose-leaf notebook paper. But I couldn’t because we didn’t even have any used loose-leaf notebook paper. I let out another Mariah Carey death howl and then continued to search. I felt like a junkie tearing up my apartment to find a substitute.
What I did find sent shivers down my spine. I found some of my roommate’s cotton face pads. You know the lil round pads that you put alcohol on to rub on your face after your shave. But I’ll be DAMNED if I have to use those! So I continued to search. After an exasperated search I found a promising substitute. “WORD!!” I yelled as I pulled out some wrapping tissue paper from the closet. YES I said wrapping tissue paper. You know the colored crap you put into gift boxes when you wrap a present. I grab the whole stack of them and did some pre-test with water and my hand in the sink. Hey nothing toxic is going to touch my ass! So I’m doing tests!! After a few tests I deemed the tissue wrapping paper worthy and cleaned up shop.
So the lesson for today is beat the crap out of your roommate if he/she does this to you. Oh and wrapping tissue paper is a viable substitute for the real thing.
Depending on how well this is received.
This is the first editorial of a series that will illustrate crazy events that happens to me.
Damn that roommate part one.
*Disclaimer: this may contain explicit material that may gross out some people.
The setup:
Ok I have a roommate that for lack of a better word is an idiot. Well he’s not so much of an idiot as he doesn’t have any common sense. He was a momma’s boy all his life and doesn’t know the first thing about responsibility or taking care of himself.
In this episode he decides to bless us with his infinite wisdom and fortitude in the bathroom.
One day after a hearty meal of taco bell I grab my PSP and a head to the thrown. Most guys can attest that there is nothing better than sitting on the throne doing your business while reading a magazine or playing a videogame.
Well on this particular evening I decided to play hot shots golf on my PSP while “ doing the dew” to use the parlance of our times. I even actually got 4 under par.
So when it was time to clean up shop, my worst nightmares were realized, there was no toilet paper on the roll!! I let out a death howl like Mariah Carey in a bear trap!
I then cursed my non-present roommate in every language known to man and some made up gibberish to boot. I was so mad because I always refill the roll and buy extra rolls just in case. But my impotent roommate couldn’t even replace the roll.
When I finally calmed down my brain went into McGuyver mode. What can I use as a substitute? I looked everywhere and curse the bastard didn’t even refill the paper towels, paper napkins or even tissues. I was so desperate I would have even used loose-leaf notebook paper. But I couldn’t because we didn’t even have any used loose-leaf notebook paper. I let out another Mariah Carey death howl and then continued to search. I felt like a junkie tearing up my apartment to find a substitute.
What I did find sent shivers down my spine. I found some of my roommate’s cotton face pads. You know the lil round pads that you put alcohol on to rub on your face after your shave. But I’ll be DAMNED if I have to use those! So I continued to search. After an exasperated search I found a promising substitute. “WORD!!” I yelled as I pulled out some wrapping tissue paper from the closet. YES I said wrapping tissue paper. You know the colored crap you put into gift boxes when you wrap a present. I grab the whole stack of them and did some pre-test with water and my hand in the sink. Hey nothing toxic is going to touch my ass! So I’m doing tests!! After a few tests I deemed the tissue wrapping paper worthy and cleaned up shop.
So the lesson for today is beat the crap out of your roommate if he/she does this to you. Oh and wrapping tissue paper is a viable substitute for the real thing.