Friend trouble

[Decade]

I've never asked for advice on the net before and brought up real personal problems, but I think I might get some decent advice on these forums.

Alright, so I moved to Boston this week and have started working. The other night, I got a instant message from a friend of mine when I got home. She and another friend of mine were dating for the past few years and then finally this summer they broke up, like a month ago.

She was really emotional and upset when she contacted me because she got in a huge argument with him and it basically got crazy. Then and there she contacted me to see if I could contact him to make sure he's ok. During this conversation however, she revealed to me that he has hit her the two times they've gotten into this big of an argument before. She says it wasnt bad and there's no visible trace of it now, but as for severity she never said.

I talked to him tonight and when I asked him if he ever hit her, he wouldn't answer the question and basically told me to back off.

Now, before you judge each of them, they're both really nice people and I'm totally shocked to hear that he did and that he won't deny it, so don't think that this is something that's a textbook case of seeing an abusive boyfriend.

I told him after he wouldn't deny it that I really don't wanna know anything more about what happened, happens now, or happens from here on out between both of em as I don't want to get into this, but now I'm stuck in a moral dillema.

Should I really ignore that hes done it, even if it wasn't severe? Should I really be friends with someone who has hit his girlfriend in fits of rage before?

It's true, I don't know the whole situation and only those two know, but this is really disturbing me and my morals don't let me make a good decision on this subject.

[RotoruaBoy]

well if it was me, I would just let it be. since both of them don't wanna talk about it , it is hard to determine the victim here, if there ever was a victim . my defination of a good friend is someone that trusts you and will be there for you, on the otherhand, you would do the same for them.

anyways, thats just one mans opinion

[Masa the Masta]

I wouldn't cease to be his friend if you feel that he's still a good guy. You could be a really good friend by talking to him and telling him that what he did was wrong, and he should seriously think about it, whether he just needs to vent by talking to you, or really going out and seeking professional help. Just make sure you convey that you're looking out for him and trying to see things for his best interests since hitting girls ain't cool if it's not kinky.

[Unknown]

I think you should stay friends with him.
I went through the same thing when I found out that one of my friends cheats on her boyfriend. Even though she does that and I believe it is wrong, she is still my friend and I get along with her. I wouldn't want to lose her friendship just because she does something I don't agree with.

[setrict]

Stay out of it. He knows you don't approve, and the matter is past. I'd still consider him a friend and not speak of it again. We all have lapses in judgement, and emotions can get the better of us. If it wasn't severe I'd let it go.

If I thought he was a repeat offender, I'd be a lot more concerned.

[skip01]

If there is anything you can really do about the situation to improve things, I would say it is your responsibility as a friend to do so, but not knowing the situation well there is nothing I can say that will make any difference. Exercise your better judgement, oh and kick your male friends arse if he does it again. Domestic abuse is unacceptable, no matter what the circumstances.:karate:

[Urban~Ninja]

Let it be, ive found it easy not to interefere in really delicate matters, that and my blunt advice always ends in one party crying.

[Trump]

Just let it go. It doesn't sound like he is proud of what he did, and you don't know the entire set of circumstances. It was done in private and should stay between the parties involved. You should pretend you never mentioned it, and don't know about it.

[Mysticalmelody]

If I thought he was a repeat offender, I'd be a lot more concerned.

Unfortunately, they're always repeat offenders unless they get treatment. He may be the nicest sweetest guy ever but if in the back of his mind, he thinks he can solve relationship problems with his fist, that's difficult to change. Women get sucked into relationships with abusive men because they love them, and because "he didn't mean to do it, it just happened... he promised he'll never do it again, he's really sorry" etc. The truth is they are really sorry. They don't wanna do it again, they don't know why they did it and they didn't mean to....

BUT the back of their brain knows that it ended the argument pretty quick and it made them feel good to release the anger. So the next time he's in a fight and he's angry and desperate to end it, he's likely to resort to violence again.

Personally, I think it takes a different kind of persn to abuse a partner. And, I think you can see the traits when you first start getting to know someone. (I think it's a problem with buried insecurity) Sadly a lot of girls will pick out guys like that often. So, this guy may not be your female friend's first abusive boyfriend, or her last.

[delen]

Just beat him up. Violence solves everything.

[erised]

Domestic abuse is unacceptable, no matter what the circumstances.:karate:

I say if she's hitting him, then he's allowed to use force to make her stop. Obviously, it needs to be w/in reason...

It sounds like he feels guilty about it. I'd think a guy who doesn't have any qualms about hitting a girl wouldn't act like that.

[Ceirnian]

Mysticalmelody has it right I think.

You say he's hit her two times? Yeah I highly doubt he's going to magically stop. I could see after doing it once, but twice? I wouldn't put up with a friend if he was abusing his significant other, but I would also do what I could to find out what's going on. Pretty nosey thing to do but standing idly by while she gets abused would make me feel like crap.

[Decade]

I didn't get so much the feeling of him feeling "guilty" about it when I asked him, more of a "DON'T ask me about it, I don't wanna say it."

It's difficult because I know he's done it now, I know that he's capable of it now because he's apparently done it before, and I know he doesn't wanna come clean about it.

This is probably what bothers me the most about it, he doesn't want to admit he did it even when presented with the question. He wont deny it, but he wont admit to it either.

I haven't actually done anything yet nor do I plan to, so as of yet I guess I've been listening to the majority of you in not doing anything. The question is if it's acceptable for me to do that in any way or form? As a friend of his? As a friend of hers? As a citizen? Or how about just as a human being?

I got no qualms about doing the right thing, the problem is there's no clear right thing to do here.

[Candyvan Stan]

While domestic abuse is very serious and should not be treated lightly, just make sure he opens up about it so he knows that you dissapprove of what he did. Also make sure to tell him that you'll continue being his friend regardless, because that may be the reason he's not correcty confessing it up. Ask yourself this question, though. Would you be in the same moral struggle if she punched him a black eye?

[jihei18]

Both your friends need help. They both seem to be taking the "If I ignore it, it will go away" stance, which really dosen't work in this situation. You have to get your friend to open up about what happened. It's going to be extremely awkward for you both, but endure it for your friends' sake.

[skip01]

I say if she's hitting him, then he's allowed to use force to make her stop. Obviously, it needs to be w/in reason...

It sounds like he feels guilty about it. I'd think a guy who doesn't have any qualms about hitting a girl wouldn't act like that.

If she's hitting him, that's domestic abuse too. Double standards me thinks. :boggled:

[fa11en87]

How does what erised said sound like a double standard? I don't get it.

[Mysticalmelody]

I missed anything about her hitting him if it was said....

[fa11en87]

Well erised never said anything about it being Ok for her to hit him since she's a girl.

[Bagpuss]

I had a previous relationship that more emotionally abusive than physically abusive and despite telling my friends none of them really believed me. They just thought I was exaggerating and anyway, my boyfriend was 'so nice...'. And he was. He was a really nice guy, but he was controlling and had a temper. Anyway, a year after we broke up he went on holiday with some of my friends and completely lost it, had a HUGE temper tantrum on the plane because they didn't let him have the aisle seat. After that my friends started to believe me (after about 6 years). The truth of it is that you are not in their relationship so you will never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

As to what you should do. I don't know. I doubt the violence will end unless he faces up to it and maybe gets some help. But, in my experience, telling someone to get out of an obviously bad relationship is counterproductive. The best you can do is keep an eye out for them and let them know you are there if they need you. I know that sounds indecisive and useless. Sorry.

[skip01]

I don't disagree with erised about what he said, I'm just saying that it sounded like he was justifying abuse in response to abu... ohhh. Sorry. :box: My bad.

[Beowulf]

Those who abuse were (or are) often themselves abused. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find his father beat his mother, or him, or some similar situation.

[Mysticalmelody]

Those who abuse were (or are) often themselves abused. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find his father beat his mother, or him, or some similar situation.

Quoted for truth.

Abusive people feel they can't control things normally. The only way they have complete control in some situations is through violence. Basically "Why should I keep hurting myself emotionally by arguing when I know it will all stop with a single punch?.... and then I'll control where things go"

I also wanted to point out that women are just as likely to abuse men as men are to abuse women. They're just less likely to report it.

[Radiance]

Quoted for truth.

Abusive people feel they can't control things normally. The only way they have complete control in some situations is through violence. Basically "Why should I keep hurting myself emotionally by arguing when I know it will all stop with a single punch?.... and then I'll control where things go"

I also wanted to point out that women are just as likely to abuse men as men are to abuse women. They're just less likely to report it.

Ironically, I recently read (can't remember where) that reports of female on male abuse are on the rise. :x Those kinds of people really confuse me, I mean I would never ever hit a woman, but then again, I would never ever let someone else hit me. While I wouldn't use it on a woman, supression techniques combined with my highschool wrestling experience is loads of fun when my brother feels like fighting. (Which is too often for me. -.-) Cradle or chicken wing and pin him to the ground, a few minutes of struggling really kills that fighting spirit. :D

[Decade]

Just to make it clear since a few of you seemed to miss this, they have already broken up by the time I found this out.

[erised]

I don't disagree with erised about what he said, I'm just saying that it sounded like he was justifying abuse in response to abu... ohhh. Sorry. :box: My bad.

He was justifying? Is that me? b/c I'm a girl...

Anyways, I'm not justifying it, and it's not a double standard. It's more fair in fact. I'm saying we don't know if she hit him (from what I read it didn't say and I'm not sure if she was asked), and if she did hit him, then I say he has permission to use force to stop her. Unfair would be letting her wail on him, and he just takes it b/c she's a girl. Not hitting girls just b/c they're girls is a double standard.

Again, I don't know if this happened, I was just putting it out there as another possibility for the friend's motive. Some girls think guys aren't allowed to hit them no matter what (but I think self-defense is OK), so I could see a girl getting pissed and saying 'Oh he hits me' and leaving out the part about she hit him first (b/c she has the idea that he's a man and should be able to take it-- that's the double standard).

[skip01]

Sorry about the whole 'he' thing then erised. But yeah, I agree with what you are saying anyway.

[Riinuka]

Random inserting of a funny though I had. Sorry. ._.

..she has the idea that he's a man and should be able to take it...

Not if he has hemophillia!

...Done now. ._. I'll go away.

[japanat]

No way could I stay friends with someone who hits their partner or child (I'm not talking about a spanking, here, but a real hit). Your friend doesn't want to talk about it? Tough titty! If either of my daughters were hit even once by their partner, but they "still love him", he would be put on permanent notice of pain if she chose to stay by him and he ever struck her again. Not to mention the fact that domestic assault is a prosecutable crime in most states; whether the victim wants to prosecute is no longer considered in many.

I have nothing but contempt for anyone who hits their partner or child. I grew up with a verbally abusive father, and I'll be damned if I'll sit around and watch other people do the same or worse. I either leave the situation, or I go ballistic...