View Full Version : Good Jokes (keep it clean)
Deadhead
08-31-2005, 03:29 AM
Anyone heard any good jokes? Here are some of my favorites:
Q: Whats the difference between a large pizza and a philosophy major?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
setrict
08-31-2005, 03:41 AM
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
How many Dragon ball z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1, but it takes 4 episodes to show it.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb.
Two, the trick is getting the buggers in there.
Betrayer of the Light
08-31-2005, 04:17 AM
Q.Why catholics hate Harry Potter?
A.Becasue they're afraid the bible will no longer be the world's best selling peice of fiction
Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What did the man say about the nudist colony?
A. The first day is the hardest
Q. What do Micheal Jackson and Burger King have in common?
A. They both put their 40 year old meat in 10 year old buns
Roxie
08-31-2005, 04:20 AM
q: How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a: One, but it takes 3 episodes.
riddle: I met a boy on the London Bridge. He tipped his hat and drew his cane and in this riddle I said his name. What is his name?
a: Andrew.
Dead Sexy Vocab
08-31-2005, 06:17 AM
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal Mart?
A: 'Cause he heard boys' pants were Half-Off.
Q: What did 50 Cent say when his grandmother gave him a hand-made sweater?
A: "Gee, you knit?"
More jokes to come...
I love New Zealand. So funny.
They have a female prime minister and she's always outspoken against topics no one else gives a shit about. So she's there preaching about how oh, we don't have nukes, we didn't send troops to Iraq we didn't send any, right?
What's America missing, a single guy with a rake?
TheWOLF
08-31-2005, 10:01 PM
Q: how do u kill 1000 ethiopeans ?
A: toss a piece of bread over a cliff
Q: how do u kill 1000 more?
A: tell them the 1st thousand didn't get the piece of bread
How do you kill 100 flies?
Whack an Ethiopian on the head with a frying pan.
Sangokyu
08-31-2005, 10:17 PM
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brighty colored machine tools.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
What's green and sings?
Frank Snotra
Whats black and white and eats like a horse??
A zebra.
setrict
09-01-2005, 01:51 AM
Smart A$$ Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."
* Smart A$$ Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
* Smart A$$ Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
* Smart A$$ Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
#1 SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand".
Dead Sexy Vocab
09-01-2005, 02:21 AM
Smart A$$ Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I
need to see your ticket not your stub."
* Smart A$$ Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
#1 SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand".
Most hilarious.
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