Dirty Jokes!

[ellie]

Okay, you have to admit you are a fan of dirty jokes. Like everyone likes dirty jokes. Even ultra Conservative nuns. Seriously. So, please share your best ones here.

I just heard these ones at work last week, and I thought there were funny (and they were told to me by a gay guy!):

Why are gay men always the first people out of a burning building?
Because their shit's already packed.

How can you tell if the host at the bar is gay?
Because he offers to push in your stool.

:D

[Jay]

Why do gay men wear condoms?
To get traction in the mud.

[Janken]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

[Joe]

A group of nuns get on a bus, and a hippy gets on after them. He sits down next to one hot nun and says to her. "Hey baby, wanna have sex?"

She looks disgusted and gets off the bus.

The hippy waits until it's his turn, then get's off the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "So you wanna have sex with that nun, right?"

Intrigued, the hippy sits down behind the driver.

"Well, she goes to pray for jesus at the cemetary every tuesday, I bet if you were to dress up as him, you could score."

The hippy thanks him and gets off the bus.

So it's tuesday, and the nun is praying in front of a statue. The hippy walks up to her in his Jesus costume, and she turns around, stunned. "Oh! Jesus! What can I do for you?"

Jesus replies "I want to have sex with you."

To which the nun replies "Ohhh... well, can we do it up the butt, so I don't lose my virginity?" (Nuns have to be virgins)

Jesus nods and smiles.

So they have wonderous, glorious sex, and when they're done, the hippy takes off his mask and says, "haha, I'm the hippy." The nun takes off her mask and says

"Haha, I'm the bus driver."

[h2orowe]

OK OK OK OK OK I'm not good at dirty jokes... but sigh here it goes
Two dudes and two girls are in a bar.... wait... how'd it go?
Well it turns out both the girls were guys and everybody got infected with AIDS.

[Jay]

Okay, here's an all-time classic yo mamma that brought the house down.

Your mamma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!

Bwahahaha!

[sharpie]

What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. :D

[Jay]

HEHEHEHE!

Two guys, Brian and Dave, fancied a drink or two but didn't have much money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

Brian said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Dave said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Brian replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the nearest bar where Brian immediately ordered two beers and two whiskies.

Dave said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Brian replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Brian said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage in my pants. You go on your knees, pull it through my zipper and put it in your mouth."

As Dave did this, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued the same scam, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker, and all for free.

At the tenth bar Dave said "Brian - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me! I'm losin the plot"

Brian said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar."

[Stephy]

Haha funny Jay, I have one. I think you may have all heard it before. Here goes anyway.

A beautiful, goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

[Jay]

I gotta write these down. Notepad here I come. :D

What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's dick.

[Jay]

A grandpa and grandson were on grandpa's boat fishing one day. The grandpa takes out a cigarette and lights up. "Grandpa", asks the little boy, "can I have some of your cigarette?"

The Grandfather asks him,"can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"No", answers the boy. "Well then", says Grandpa, "you are not old enough".

A short time later the grandfather takes a beer out of his cooler. "Grandpa", asks the little boy, "can I have some of your beer?" Again the grandpa asks, "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"No", replies the little boy. "Well", says grandpa, "then you are not old enough."

Two hours later, the little boy is hungry and takes out a bag of cookies from his lunchbox. The grandpa looks at the cookies and says,"boy, those cookies look and smell so good, can grandpa have some?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"Why I most certainly can!" boasts the grandpa.

The little boy replies "Well... then go fuck yourself, these are MY cookies!"

[Myrsilus]

Ew guys... alright I'll contribute. It might be known, but eh... And sorry for the ickiness.

3 dogs are sitting with their owners in a veterinary clinic waiting room.

One dog looks to the other.
Dog 1: Hey... what are you here for?
Dog 2: My owner recently purchased a luxury car... It was customized with the works. Leather interior, too. But one day I just could not help myself... I pooped all over his leather seats, so now I'm being put to sleep. What about you?

Dog 1: Well my owner bought a new oriental rug. It was imported and cost him a lot of money. But one day I lost control... I peed all over the rug, so now I'm being put to sleep as well.

Both dogs were pretty damn sad by now... but then they noticed the other dog.

Dog 1: Hey, what about you? What are you in for?

Dog 3: My owner... She likes to do her house chores in the nude. And I mean completely nude. One day she had bent over to vacuum the couch... and then I could not contain myself. I hopped on and had the ride of my life.

Dog 2: Oh damn man, that sucks... So you're being put down as well, huh?

Dog 3: Nope... She's having my nails clipped.

[sharpie]

Here's a couple.

How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Gretzky takes a shower after three periods.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Smartass (noun)- a person who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what the flavor is.

[Stephy]

Never heard that one, Fujin. Here is another one. You may have heard this one.

After the annual office party blow-out, Tom woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Ana," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Ana informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said Tom.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Jay]

That reminds me, Fujin.

"Old mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over old Rover drove 'er with a bone of his own!"

[Jay]

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. The guy says, "This is the pig I have sex with whenever you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The guy replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[sharpie]

Speaking of which

"Little Boy Blue sat on some corn while Little Red Riding Hood blew his horn!"

[Jay]

Sharpie:

"Little boy blew"

[Myrsilus]

Damn you guys know a lot of sick jokes. I forgot all mine.

[Jay]

Damn you guys know a lot of sick jokes. I forgot all mine.

www.google.com

[Myrsilus]

I use google all the time, so I know. x.x I'd just rather have the satisfaction of telling the ones I know and remember.

[Jay]

I use google all the time, so I know. x.x I'd just rather have the satisfaction of telling the ones I know and remember.

Yeah, but no one said it was the "dirty jokes you remember" thread. Google rules. :D

[Stephy]

Yes, yes it does.

[Jay]

What do you call a bunch of New Zealand natives running down the hill?

JAILBREAK HAHAHA LMAO ROFL!

[StormShadow]

Your in Australia! How can you haev Mexican jokes?! Shouldn't you have jokes about the Kiwis?

[sharpie]

Sharpie:

"Little boy blew"

Close enough...I never was any good with nursery ryhmes. :D

Bob and Gordon were playing tennis one day when all of a sudden Bob started complaining about his elbow.

Gordon: You all right man? You look like your in some pain.
Bob: No, my elbow's been killing me during our match. I don't know why though.
Gordon: I'll tell you what, there's a pharmacy down the street from here with a weird machine that can diagnose any illness, all you need is a jar of piss and the machine will tell you whats wrong and best of all, it's only 5 bucks!
Bob: Really? I'll try that. Cheaper than goin' to a doctor.

So Bob goes home, grabs a jar, takes a piss in it, and goes to the pharmacy. He sees the strange machine to the back and dispenses his 5 dollars and puts his piss in the machine. All of a sudden strange noises were heard and colorful lights appeard from the machine for about 10 seconds. Then a piece of paper comes out with the following.

"You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water. It will be better in 2 to 3 weeks."

Bob was impressed and started to wonder if the machine could be fooled. So, when he went home, he got his wife's piss, his daughter's piss, a stool sample from the dog, and to top it all off, he jacked off in the strange mixture. The next day he returned to the pharmacy, puts his 5 dollars and his mixture into the machine. The strange noises and lights appeared again, but this time a longer piece of paper appeared with the following.

"Your dog has worms, get him to a vet. Your daughter is on drugs, get her into rehab. Your wife's pregnant. Its not yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[Jay]

Your in Australia! How can you haev Mexican jokes?! Shouldn't you have jokes about the Kiwis?

That's a point! *pulls a quick edit*

Howzabout a limerick?

There once was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were heavy but stable.
So every full moon
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

[StormShadow]

OMG! That's so terrible, even for me! And it really didn't make fun of those Kiwis.

Jim worked at the patent office. One day a man came in with what appeared to be nothing more than a regular bag of regular apples.
Jim: What is it that you would like to patent?
Guy: I've engineered these apples to taste like other fruit.
Jim thought this was neat, so asked for one, and when he bit it, it tasted like strawberrys.
Guy: Bite over there, that part tastes like oranges.
Jim tries it, and sure enough, a portion tastes like apple, but other portions taste like other fruits.
Jim: You know what would be really interesting? If you made an apple that tasted like pussy.
The guy gives him a look of discust, and then walks out of the office.
A month later the man comes back.
Guy: I took your advice and made some of those 'special' apples. Would you like to try one?
Jim takes an apple, takes a bite, and then emmediately spits it out, and then tries washing his mouth with water.
Jim: That tastes like SHIT dude!
Guy: Bite it from the other side.

[Jay]

How are a woman and a condom similar?

If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

[Stephy]

Just contributing. May have been heard of before.

Mr. Mahoney got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Mahoney, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Jay]

Heh, that's old but good. Imagine if it was real and a guy got told that. :(

One more:

A guy was cruising round the streets of a really run down area of Detroit when he spotted a kid on the sidewalk. Winding down his window, he stopped by the kid and, holding out a bag of candy, said, "Hey kid, if you come in my car I'll give you a candy." The street-wise kid looked at him and replied, "If you gimme the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

[psychicstooge]

Here’s a bunch that you’ve probably heard before:

Have you heard about Tempura House?
It’s the new halfway house for lightly battered women.

What goes “hop, skip, jump, ka-blam!”?
Nicaraguan children playing in a minefield.

What do you call three white guys pushing a car up a hill?
White Power.
What do you call three black guys pushing a car up a hill?
Black Power.
What do you call three Mexicans pushing a car up a hill?
Grand Theft Auto.

What’s white and streaks across the nighttime sky?
The Coming of the Lord.

Hey, have you ever read the small print at the end of a condom?
No? Oh, I see...you never had to unroll it that far.

When sixteen-year-old Bill came home with the news that he’d gotten laid for the first time, his mother was less than pleased. Slapping him across the face, she sent him to his room without any dinner.
When Bill’s father came home and heard the news, he went up to see his son.
“Well, son,” he admonished, secretly pleased, “I hope you learned something from this experience.”
“You bet I did,” admitted Bill. “Next time I use lube—my ass is killing me!”

An hour after checking into the motel, the traveling salesman stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickenshit joint are you running here?” he demanded.
“What’s the problem, sir?” stammered the confused desk clerk.
“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun,” blustered the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knees and give him a blowjob or he’d blast my brains all over the room!”
“Oh, my God,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?”
The salesman screamed, “WELL, YOU DIDN’T HEAR ANY SHOTS, DID YOU?”

When Mike came into the doctor’s office for his test results, the doctor told him he had some good news and some bad news.
“I’ll take the good news first,” requested the patient.
“Your penis is going to grow two inches in length and an inch in circumference.”
“That’s terrific!” Mike exclaimed, breaking into a big smile. “So what could be bad?”
The doctor answered, “Malignant.”

One night little Johnny walked in on his parents while they were screwing. “Daddy,” he cried, “what are you and Mommy doing?”
“Uh...we’re making a little sister for you to play with,” stammered his father.
“Oh, neat,” said Johnny, and went back to bed.
The next day his dad came home to find the little boy sobbing his eyes out on the front porch. “What’s wrong, Johnny?” he asked, picking him up.
“You know the little sister you and Mommy made me?”
“Yes,” said his father, blushing.
The little boy wailed, “Today the milkman ate it!”

Once upon a time King Arthur was preparing for a long campaign. Wanting to make sure the lovely Guinevere was safe from temptation, the king had her fitted with an ingenious chastity belt designed to amputate anything attempting penetration, and off he rode to battle with a clear heart.
Returning victorious six months later, the suspicious ruler ordered all the palace retainers to drop their pants in the courtyard. One by one, Arthur saw stumps where their penises had been, except for one man who stood intact at the end of the line.
“At least one amongst you is virtuous enough to resist temptation: a man of honor!” cried the king joyfully, throwing his arms around his loyal retainer. “And what is your name?”
The man blushed and replied, “Aaaghkghulh.”

I don’t consider these terribly dirty, but most of my favorite jokes would probably get me warned or banned due to offensive content.

[Janken]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

[Snake eyeS]

10 things in golf that sound dirty:

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

Comparing Men to Dogs
How Dogs and Men Are the Same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man


1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

[Soli]

I know this is off topic, but I've had a bad experience with dirty jokes. I wrote one down for someone to read at school, and so I passed it to him. The student teacher intercepted it, and read it. It was funny because you could tell she was trying not to laugh. "I'm going to have to give this to the principal." She told me. So, a few days later I was called down to the principal's. It was so hard no to laugh! She had highlighted all the 'bad' words while she read it (A majorty of the page was highlighted). I got suspended. >.< I still think it was a funny joke... (I just can't remember it).

[co_delphi]

What do you call a virgin from Arkansas?



A 3 year old boy who can run faster than his older brother.

[Myrsilus]

What do you call a virgin from Arkansas?



A 3 year old boy who can run faster than his older brother.
... heh... what?

If I am reading that right... ew.

[koku]

what do you call a gay man's cock?




shit on a stick

[Dead Sexy Vocab]

How do you know a janitor had kinky sex?

One of his fingers are clean.

[Betrayer of the Light]

Eh, I'm lakcing in the dirty joke department tihds is all I got and I don't know if it's been heard before

Q. How do you know if a guy is gay
A. If his dick smells like shit

[Janken]

Why would you be sniffing a gay man's dick in the first place? :(

[Jay]

Good call. :D

[ESPayne]

A little boy was walking down the street carrying some chickenwire. An old man was sitting on his porch, and asked him where he was going with the chicken wire. "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" The old man laughed and told him, "Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" 10 minutes later the boy walks back by with two chickens under his arm.

The next day the boy comes walking down the street again. This time he is carrying a roll of duck tape. The old man sees him again and asks, "What are you going to do with that duck tape?" The buy says, "I'm gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man laughs again and tells him, "Boy, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" 10 minutes later the boys walks back by with two ducks under his arm.

The next day the kid comes walking down the street. But the old man can't see what he's got this time. So he asks, "Hey boy, what you got there?" The boy says, "Pussywillow." The old man says, "Hang on boy, I'll get my shoes!"

[Dead Sexy Vocab]

A Hippie got on a bus, and saw a nun. He goes and sits besides her, and without hesitation, asks her, "You wanna go bang, groovy chick?" The nun screams in terror, and gets off the bus. The bus driver, hearing this, goes up to the hippie, and tells him, "You know, from what I've heard, if you decieve her by pretending you're God, then she'll probably take your word and possibly have sex with you. The best way to do that is to find them is in a graveyard."
After the hippie got off the bus, he ran home and made himself a "God Costume". So, he went to a nearby graveyeard, and soon enough, he sees the nun.
The hippie took out a bullhorn, and spoke," I AM GOD. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME. I COMMAND YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, FOR THAT IF YOU WILL NOT, THEN I WILL NOT ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS."
The nun runs near "God," and says, "Oh, my Lord! It really IS you! I'll definitely have sex with you!!.... But wait, since I am a nun, I think I can either do oral, or anal--"
"BOTH IS GOOD FOR ME!" said "God".
And so they got jiggy with it.
Within a few minutes, the hippie takes off his costume, and exclaims, "HAH! I WAS THE HIPPIE ON THE BUS!!"
And at that moment, the nun took off her robe, and said, "HAH! I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"

[VGD]

Uhh wasn't that already posted earlier?
Here's my contribution.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Mushu]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[ellie]

You have a donkey. He's a mean sum' bitch.

I have a rooster.

Yesterday, your donkey came over to my house and ate BOTH feet off my rooster.

If that happens, what do YOU get?

Two feet of my cock in your ass!


(it would be funnier if I was a guy telling this joke. . .)

[Dead Sexy Vocab]

I still laughed out loud.

... Yet, I still got a boner. )=

[FirstStrike]

Once, a man threw his wife into the mud and she got dirty. HAHAHA!

I fail.

[Wiss]

President George Bush called Paul Martin with an emergency: "Our largest
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people’s
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"George, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!" said Martin.

Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4"
in diameter?" said Bush.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Martin hung up
and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you’ve got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least
10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print ’MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE’
on each one."

[anver]

Girl: Mom, Mom, the dog's fucking!
Mother: Ignore it.
Girl: But it hurts!

[Acolyte]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold his penis.

...

Ladder! I meant ladder!


What do you call a Whitehorse (Or any other reasonably-northern place) lesbian?
Fur traders.

[keitaidensha]

what's green and smells like ham?

kermit's fingers

[Dead Sexy Vocab]

what's green and smells like ham?

kermit's fingers

And the pimpasaurus rex WINS AGAIN!

[keitaidensha]

what did one lesbian vampire say to the other after oral sex?

"see you next month"


what do you get when you put 12 dead babies in a microwave?

i don't know about you, but i get an erection