nyanko
08-28-2005, 08:58 PM
I want to share a story perhaps a bit anonymously, but I still would like some input. I've been reading this forum for a while, and there are a lot of interesting yet caring personalities and hopefully you guys will read.
But this is really long, so only read if you are bored!!!
So, I've been a nice girl for my entire life, and I will continue to be. But because I was bit boyish in middle school/HS, I was sometimes treated a little worse. I got picked on by both girls and boys that they could never imagine me with a boyfriend, or that i just sit on my computer all day, or asked me if I even liked boys. Just because I was nerdy, didn't dress sluttly or in skirts or tank tops, knew computer stuff, and played games, I was a casted out a bit.
So I grew up with this opinion that I would never get a boyfriend, that I was unattractive, no guy would like me, and I would stay single forever. Despite what I said to myself before, I know now I am an average asian girl with a slimmer build, and I guess a lot of nerds would kill to date me, but unfortunately most of them have yellow fever and are more concerned that I'm asian than having a real personality. But in college I actually made real friends, close ones that accepted me for who I was. I began to become really active and I finally found my place and I felt good about myself in life. Granted I am usually optimistic, though I am a depressive person because I've been raised by the traditional asian parents. I had a rough time growing up not having any true friends, and no emotional net in times I really needed someone to vent with. However I was always the person that knew people, could chit-chat, but nothing more. So I guess the traditional 'outside looking in.' Other people thought I had friends because they knew I was funny and smart, but I was just hurting on the inside.
ANYWAY...
I was president of the anime club, and while most of the people were normal there, there were a few creepy ones. One that tried to stalk me, but now he's on JET and I hopefully will never see him ever again and he'll get all the Japanese gaijin lovers he can handle.
I had grown a crush on a guy I knew, but it faded and he turned into someone I wasn't that attracted to (started smoking, complained about not having a gf 24/7, irksome things), but i still talk to him sometimes.
So I thought that my love life sucked like hell. I was never going to get anywhere. Although most of my friends have never been in relationships, I read shoujo manga, I watched anime, and I had ideas in my head. I had already had a mindset that I won't be dating for a long time, that I should finish college first. And I'm the type of girl that you would never expect thinking like this to come from, about finding a bf. But I think I got lonely.
And yes, I am a computer science major. I'm stuck in classes were there are 5 girls and the rest guys. I didn't talk much, but I had a few friends. And in one CS lab, I met a friend through a friend. And I was beginning to think that I have gained a friend for life (one of those rare instances for me, since usually friends come and go for me and at least I am lucky to have a few that I will know for a long long tie) because we just clicked that way. We had dinners together, he'd help me on homeworks and projects in the two classes we had together, we'd hang out, drink together, etc. And I was oblivious, he had the biggest crush on me. I told most of my friends that even if he liked me, I didn't have the same feelings for him. Or I thought, I was probably in denial. But I still wondered, I still had the stupid thought that he was just a good friend. And just to test, the day before finals we were studying and I got it out of him. He confessed to me.
And I think angels were playing harps in the background, because I never imagined that a guy, a guy that I wouldn't mind going out with even though I was in denial about it, would like me so much. That even if I didn't like him in that way, he just liked the fact that we could hang out and be friends at least. And it took me 5 minutes in my brain to compute, and while at 4 minutes of silence from me, he took it as rejection and was about to leave when I told him that I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend.
And the waves parted for us. He hated his roommate and I lived in a single apartment, so he practically moved in with me. And it was heaven. I grew from "ah, let's just see how dating goes" into feelings of true love. I thought I had found a keeper, and he thought so too. It was true bliss.
But, conflicts arose months later. I started to get depressed over stuff because I was over stressed by school/work/activities/etc and he took it that he did something wrong and got angry. I had a mental breakdown and I was even hitting myself (my lowest point) and he got angry at me because he didn't know what he was doing wrong.
Guys have this weird thing that if they see a girl crying, they instantly think that they did something wrong. But if a girl sees someone crying, they want to comfort them. I was his first real girlfriend, and he was my first boyfriend.
We had things to learn. We had the silent type of fights. We never argued. And he also was a depressed guy and had self-esteem issues even though he had a hella high gpa, in the engineering honors society and set to get into grad school. He had issues in high school and he wouldn't even tell me because it was that painful for him. He took prozac when he felt depressed than talking it out. Which I knew kinda spelled trouble, but I wanted to be there for him when the time ever came that he would let out his past pains. He used to have no motivation in life, although he did really well in school. He had rough asian parents as well, and he studied hard (and he's smart) so he could show up his parents that he was worth something. But, he finally found his reason of living, for it all, when he was with me.
And I shared the comfort of being in love.
But I think, I couldn't handle some situations well because I was a depressive person. But he learned to comfort me. Even though he left me on the floor shaking and crying the first time, he wanted me to go through counseling. When I had problems and I started crying, he learned how to hold me.
But I think sometimes I was stupid about how I dealt with him, and the same for him. He was a blunt kinda guy, and sometimes I didn't want that. Sometimes I wasn't that positive with him. The usual stuff.
And it came up that I couldn't hold up to my counseling appointment because it was too hard to walk in. And he yelled at me for not following through a promise. I was kinda sad..and right after school ended he said he wanted a break in the relationsihp. So he could sort out his emotions. And of course I was crushed. I loved him. He wanted me to take a stupid "journey alone" to fix my depression and he couldn't deal with it.
But, we agreed to hang out a couple days later for some reason, and of course like bunnies we hooked back right up again. And it was even better. We loved each other more, we got more intimate.
I drove him to school everyday because we had classes and work at the same time. One time I couldn't take him because I felt sick. I told him that I couldn't, and he got upset. He got annoyed because he couldnt' depend on me. He had his own car, and I offered him my campus permit. He refused, he just told me that I was bringing up an excuse that I didn't want to take him and sleep in. It was really stupid. He eventually bought his own permit but he said he wasted $60 just because I can't wake up.
But...we made up our fights...but I felt that even though I loved him more than anything in the world...I needed time to sort out my emotions. We had these conflicts, little problems, and perhaps time is good to mend them out. I'm going to HK for a vacation for three weeks, and I thought it was a good time to reflect if I really wanted a break in the relationship.
But all my friends told me that I didn't deserve him treating me like this, that I had to get out of the relationship before it got worse. I loved him dearly, but I knew it had to be done.
And one weekend I had to go home, and i didn't see him for three days (mind you we usually stuck to each other 24/7 if we weren't going to school or working) and I went to his apartment. He missed me and I surprised him because he was just about ready to go to bed. But I was stupid.
I wanted to get close to him as much before I had to let him go. We got really, really intimate. Mind you, I'm still a virgin, and he still is. He pressured a little bit, but still respected my stance of waiting a year or so until I was ready. But mind you as well, we did everything except intercourse :cool: .
Before I had went to his apartment, the night before, I had gotten drunk with friends because I was thinking if I really wanted to let him go. And the night after I didn't feel that great, but I went out to eat with him and his friends. And while he walked me back to my apartment, he was like "whats wrong?" and i told him i was depressed, and he wanted to know why. Of course I was getting depressed that I had to let him go, and I couldn't tell him. But he told me to call him if I needed anything. And he left.
And I went to his apartment.
And after the best cuddling ever, I looked kinda aloof. And he asked me whats wrong, and I said he probably didn't want to hear it, which was stupid. I made the stupidest decision ever. I told him that I loved him so much, and I kept saying sorry, sorry, over and over. And he's like what, what?! And I told him in soft tone, "i don't know if this relationship is going to work out" while I held him.
And immediately he tore my hand away. He pushed me away. He was like "so you are breaking up with me?!" "get out" and then instantly ignored me and ran and locked himself in the closet. I tried to say that he was misunderstanding, that it's just a break while i deal with my emotions, that i'm leaving for vacation to think about things, etc. And he didn't listen. I stupidly still slept on the bed, but he eventually came out and slept on the floor.
He totally ignored me despite anything I said. I left, i took stuff that was mine. I didn't know what was going to happen. I left him a long note that I still wanted to be friends, but if he hated me forever to at least give back the stuff he didn't want. And he left me a message on my cell to pick up everything, and he wanted his apartment key back. And that the stuff would be outside in the den, he never wanted to see my face or talk to me ever again. And he left EVERYTHING. Every single gift I have him, his birthday present, anything that reminded him of me. It sucked picking up those things. All the good memories. But I learned that it was standard first girlfriend breakup procedure.
It was really hard to deal, I was in total tears, shaking for a while. I lost the boyfriend, but I lost a good friend as well.
And I thought it was over. Ok, he'll just not talk or see me. No, he left hate messages like "I hate you, fuck you, i hope you go to hell," on his blog and my blog. He totally removed me from facebook (like friendster for college) as a friend, and even deleted the comment I made on his comment wall before we were even going out. And the total wiping of my existance for him. He told me to never bother him again. He wanted to wipe every shred of me. And to see the person that loves you the most, to have the message of "fuck you" and "i hate you," hurts so much. I was in shambles.
But I'm getting over it. It's almost been a week, and I'm going to Hk tomorrow. I'm going to spend three weeks with family, shop, and try to move on. I talked to all the good friends, I've vented. I have a new plan to shape up my studies and clean my apartment. I'm going to fix myself up if I couldn't fix him.
I never hurt him, I never lied (maybe too brutally honest), I never cheated or did anything like that, and he still left hateful messages. Does he hate me for the fact that I broke up with him out of the blue? I feel a bit guilty, but at that time I felt like it was coming.
And his aim profile went from >=( to :,( and his friend told me that he finally told him that we broke up, and he looked hella depressed.
It's affecting him.
And the thing I would want most in the world would to be able to at least talk or be friends. It's also natural to toy with the thought that if he talked to you, I could fix the problems with myself so we could get back together. But is it right? But you think about this stuff after a breakup.
And he hasn't blacklisted me from aim yet once he returns the last of my items to his friend to give to me. Is that true? He could have just immediately given the stuff to his friend and just got over the blocking immediately since he nuked everything else. He posted lyrics to his favorite (but sad song ironically reflecting his hateful and depressed mood) on LJ (which he only had to read my posts), he would have no reason to post other than for me to read.
Will he ever talk to me again? I don't know. It would be nice. But I'm not counting on it. I'm moving on. Sure I had the happiest moments in my life with him, but I also lived 20 odd years without him. My college life was getting good before him. He made everything better, but you can't have everything in the world. I told him that I still loved him, that my doors will always be open.
I don't know if it's just going to be a month, couple months, or forever. But if within a couple months I ask his friend and he tells me that he still hates my guts, it'll be ok. I'll move on and be my own person, and find the real "one."
I'm an optimistic person. I cope weirdly, and while sites i've read about getting over breakups tell me to throw everything away. I'm keeping them. I cherish the good memories in life. Sure there were bad times, but I use them as learning experiences.
When you fall, it teaches you how to get back up again. I'm getting back up and better and stronger. He told me that if I were dying in a ditch he wouldn't care, that might change in a couple months. I'm not dwelling that much. Vacation will help me move on.
I won't be the bitch that will try to contact him even after he told me that he never wants to talk to me again. If he still truly loves me or at least cherished the friendship, he will make the first contact if time heals him in a couple months. If he doesn't, then that's his problem. At least I can deal.
Although I'll always be concerned for him, even if I don't see him. He'll always be a part of me, but in a moved-on-sort-of-way. Good memories.
I may have been stupid, but it's been a ride. I'd never regret the relationship, because it was the best thing I had. Sure it was the worst thing that happened with the hurting, but I think it was worth it.
Now, for those of you that survived that MAMMOTH of an entry, what do you think? How have you guys dealt with breakups? It's hard, huh.....
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.
But this is really long, so only read if you are bored!!!
So, I've been a nice girl for my entire life, and I will continue to be. But because I was bit boyish in middle school/HS, I was sometimes treated a little worse. I got picked on by both girls and boys that they could never imagine me with a boyfriend, or that i just sit on my computer all day, or asked me if I even liked boys. Just because I was nerdy, didn't dress sluttly or in skirts or tank tops, knew computer stuff, and played games, I was a casted out a bit.
So I grew up with this opinion that I would never get a boyfriend, that I was unattractive, no guy would like me, and I would stay single forever. Despite what I said to myself before, I know now I am an average asian girl with a slimmer build, and I guess a lot of nerds would kill to date me, but unfortunately most of them have yellow fever and are more concerned that I'm asian than having a real personality. But in college I actually made real friends, close ones that accepted me for who I was. I began to become really active and I finally found my place and I felt good about myself in life. Granted I am usually optimistic, though I am a depressive person because I've been raised by the traditional asian parents. I had a rough time growing up not having any true friends, and no emotional net in times I really needed someone to vent with. However I was always the person that knew people, could chit-chat, but nothing more. So I guess the traditional 'outside looking in.' Other people thought I had friends because they knew I was funny and smart, but I was just hurting on the inside.
ANYWAY...
I was president of the anime club, and while most of the people were normal there, there were a few creepy ones. One that tried to stalk me, but now he's on JET and I hopefully will never see him ever again and he'll get all the Japanese gaijin lovers he can handle.
I had grown a crush on a guy I knew, but it faded and he turned into someone I wasn't that attracted to (started smoking, complained about not having a gf 24/7, irksome things), but i still talk to him sometimes.
So I thought that my love life sucked like hell. I was never going to get anywhere. Although most of my friends have never been in relationships, I read shoujo manga, I watched anime, and I had ideas in my head. I had already had a mindset that I won't be dating for a long time, that I should finish college first. And I'm the type of girl that you would never expect thinking like this to come from, about finding a bf. But I think I got lonely.
And yes, I am a computer science major. I'm stuck in classes were there are 5 girls and the rest guys. I didn't talk much, but I had a few friends. And in one CS lab, I met a friend through a friend. And I was beginning to think that I have gained a friend for life (one of those rare instances for me, since usually friends come and go for me and at least I am lucky to have a few that I will know for a long long tie) because we just clicked that way. We had dinners together, he'd help me on homeworks and projects in the two classes we had together, we'd hang out, drink together, etc. And I was oblivious, he had the biggest crush on me. I told most of my friends that even if he liked me, I didn't have the same feelings for him. Or I thought, I was probably in denial. But I still wondered, I still had the stupid thought that he was just a good friend. And just to test, the day before finals we were studying and I got it out of him. He confessed to me.
And I think angels were playing harps in the background, because I never imagined that a guy, a guy that I wouldn't mind going out with even though I was in denial about it, would like me so much. That even if I didn't like him in that way, he just liked the fact that we could hang out and be friends at least. And it took me 5 minutes in my brain to compute, and while at 4 minutes of silence from me, he took it as rejection and was about to leave when I told him that I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend.
And the waves parted for us. He hated his roommate and I lived in a single apartment, so he practically moved in with me. And it was heaven. I grew from "ah, let's just see how dating goes" into feelings of true love. I thought I had found a keeper, and he thought so too. It was true bliss.
But, conflicts arose months later. I started to get depressed over stuff because I was over stressed by school/work/activities/etc and he took it that he did something wrong and got angry. I had a mental breakdown and I was even hitting myself (my lowest point) and he got angry at me because he didn't know what he was doing wrong.
Guys have this weird thing that if they see a girl crying, they instantly think that they did something wrong. But if a girl sees someone crying, they want to comfort them. I was his first real girlfriend, and he was my first boyfriend.
We had things to learn. We had the silent type of fights. We never argued. And he also was a depressed guy and had self-esteem issues even though he had a hella high gpa, in the engineering honors society and set to get into grad school. He had issues in high school and he wouldn't even tell me because it was that painful for him. He took prozac when he felt depressed than talking it out. Which I knew kinda spelled trouble, but I wanted to be there for him when the time ever came that he would let out his past pains. He used to have no motivation in life, although he did really well in school. He had rough asian parents as well, and he studied hard (and he's smart) so he could show up his parents that he was worth something. But, he finally found his reason of living, for it all, when he was with me.
And I shared the comfort of being in love.
But I think, I couldn't handle some situations well because I was a depressive person. But he learned to comfort me. Even though he left me on the floor shaking and crying the first time, he wanted me to go through counseling. When I had problems and I started crying, he learned how to hold me.
But I think sometimes I was stupid about how I dealt with him, and the same for him. He was a blunt kinda guy, and sometimes I didn't want that. Sometimes I wasn't that positive with him. The usual stuff.
And it came up that I couldn't hold up to my counseling appointment because it was too hard to walk in. And he yelled at me for not following through a promise. I was kinda sad..and right after school ended he said he wanted a break in the relationsihp. So he could sort out his emotions. And of course I was crushed. I loved him. He wanted me to take a stupid "journey alone" to fix my depression and he couldn't deal with it.
But, we agreed to hang out a couple days later for some reason, and of course like bunnies we hooked back right up again. And it was even better. We loved each other more, we got more intimate.
I drove him to school everyday because we had classes and work at the same time. One time I couldn't take him because I felt sick. I told him that I couldn't, and he got upset. He got annoyed because he couldnt' depend on me. He had his own car, and I offered him my campus permit. He refused, he just told me that I was bringing up an excuse that I didn't want to take him and sleep in. It was really stupid. He eventually bought his own permit but he said he wasted $60 just because I can't wake up.
But...we made up our fights...but I felt that even though I loved him more than anything in the world...I needed time to sort out my emotions. We had these conflicts, little problems, and perhaps time is good to mend them out. I'm going to HK for a vacation for three weeks, and I thought it was a good time to reflect if I really wanted a break in the relationship.
But all my friends told me that I didn't deserve him treating me like this, that I had to get out of the relationship before it got worse. I loved him dearly, but I knew it had to be done.
And one weekend I had to go home, and i didn't see him for three days (mind you we usually stuck to each other 24/7 if we weren't going to school or working) and I went to his apartment. He missed me and I surprised him because he was just about ready to go to bed. But I was stupid.
I wanted to get close to him as much before I had to let him go. We got really, really intimate. Mind you, I'm still a virgin, and he still is. He pressured a little bit, but still respected my stance of waiting a year or so until I was ready. But mind you as well, we did everything except intercourse :cool: .
Before I had went to his apartment, the night before, I had gotten drunk with friends because I was thinking if I really wanted to let him go. And the night after I didn't feel that great, but I went out to eat with him and his friends. And while he walked me back to my apartment, he was like "whats wrong?" and i told him i was depressed, and he wanted to know why. Of course I was getting depressed that I had to let him go, and I couldn't tell him. But he told me to call him if I needed anything. And he left.
And I went to his apartment.
And after the best cuddling ever, I looked kinda aloof. And he asked me whats wrong, and I said he probably didn't want to hear it, which was stupid. I made the stupidest decision ever. I told him that I loved him so much, and I kept saying sorry, sorry, over and over. And he's like what, what?! And I told him in soft tone, "i don't know if this relationship is going to work out" while I held him.
And immediately he tore my hand away. He pushed me away. He was like "so you are breaking up with me?!" "get out" and then instantly ignored me and ran and locked himself in the closet. I tried to say that he was misunderstanding, that it's just a break while i deal with my emotions, that i'm leaving for vacation to think about things, etc. And he didn't listen. I stupidly still slept on the bed, but he eventually came out and slept on the floor.
He totally ignored me despite anything I said. I left, i took stuff that was mine. I didn't know what was going to happen. I left him a long note that I still wanted to be friends, but if he hated me forever to at least give back the stuff he didn't want. And he left me a message on my cell to pick up everything, and he wanted his apartment key back. And that the stuff would be outside in the den, he never wanted to see my face or talk to me ever again. And he left EVERYTHING. Every single gift I have him, his birthday present, anything that reminded him of me. It sucked picking up those things. All the good memories. But I learned that it was standard first girlfriend breakup procedure.
It was really hard to deal, I was in total tears, shaking for a while. I lost the boyfriend, but I lost a good friend as well.
And I thought it was over. Ok, he'll just not talk or see me. No, he left hate messages like "I hate you, fuck you, i hope you go to hell," on his blog and my blog. He totally removed me from facebook (like friendster for college) as a friend, and even deleted the comment I made on his comment wall before we were even going out. And the total wiping of my existance for him. He told me to never bother him again. He wanted to wipe every shred of me. And to see the person that loves you the most, to have the message of "fuck you" and "i hate you," hurts so much. I was in shambles.
But I'm getting over it. It's almost been a week, and I'm going to Hk tomorrow. I'm going to spend three weeks with family, shop, and try to move on. I talked to all the good friends, I've vented. I have a new plan to shape up my studies and clean my apartment. I'm going to fix myself up if I couldn't fix him.
I never hurt him, I never lied (maybe too brutally honest), I never cheated or did anything like that, and he still left hateful messages. Does he hate me for the fact that I broke up with him out of the blue? I feel a bit guilty, but at that time I felt like it was coming.
And his aim profile went from >=( to :,( and his friend told me that he finally told him that we broke up, and he looked hella depressed.
It's affecting him.
And the thing I would want most in the world would to be able to at least talk or be friends. It's also natural to toy with the thought that if he talked to you, I could fix the problems with myself so we could get back together. But is it right? But you think about this stuff after a breakup.
And he hasn't blacklisted me from aim yet once he returns the last of my items to his friend to give to me. Is that true? He could have just immediately given the stuff to his friend and just got over the blocking immediately since he nuked everything else. He posted lyrics to his favorite (but sad song ironically reflecting his hateful and depressed mood) on LJ (which he only had to read my posts), he would have no reason to post other than for me to read.
Will he ever talk to me again? I don't know. It would be nice. But I'm not counting on it. I'm moving on. Sure I had the happiest moments in my life with him, but I also lived 20 odd years without him. My college life was getting good before him. He made everything better, but you can't have everything in the world. I told him that I still loved him, that my doors will always be open.
I don't know if it's just going to be a month, couple months, or forever. But if within a couple months I ask his friend and he tells me that he still hates my guts, it'll be ok. I'll move on and be my own person, and find the real "one."
I'm an optimistic person. I cope weirdly, and while sites i've read about getting over breakups tell me to throw everything away. I'm keeping them. I cherish the good memories in life. Sure there were bad times, but I use them as learning experiences.
When you fall, it teaches you how to get back up again. I'm getting back up and better and stronger. He told me that if I were dying in a ditch he wouldn't care, that might change in a couple months. I'm not dwelling that much. Vacation will help me move on.
I won't be the bitch that will try to contact him even after he told me that he never wants to talk to me again. If he still truly loves me or at least cherished the friendship, he will make the first contact if time heals him in a couple months. If he doesn't, then that's his problem. At least I can deal.
Although I'll always be concerned for him, even if I don't see him. He'll always be a part of me, but in a moved-on-sort-of-way. Good memories.
I may have been stupid, but it's been a ride. I'd never regret the relationship, because it was the best thing I had. Sure it was the worst thing that happened with the hurting, but I think it was worth it.
Now, for those of you that survived that MAMMOTH of an entry, what do you think? How have you guys dealt with breakups? It's hard, huh.....
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.