Having the 'Talk'.

[PopCulturePooka]

Its weird.

Theres more than one person here who has said there parents never had any of the 'Talks' with them.

Some just never did. Other posters says their parents seemd ashamed or embarassed by it.

What are your views on this?
What age should kids learn about this stuff and from whom?
When, if at all, did your parents give you the talk and how did they do it?

When you have kids how will you do it?

Personally I feel parents being involved in a kid learning these things in a responsible manner is REALLY important. While Sex Ed is important in schools, it cant handle all the questions a kid may have and frankly, a kid should feel more comfortable (at a young age) asking their parents this stuff.

This idea of just 'learning' it from peers, media etc... is naff to me. Far too many stupid, conflicting, wrong and dangerous ideas for kids to learn if theres no responsible figure to give them the correct knowledge.

Basically I think parents should be there to remove the mystery from sex, sexuality and growing up. Not get ashamed or embarassed, which then imaprts that view point onto their kids. No make it some silly mystery clouded in lies and fables.

They should be honest, although age appropriate, and answer a kids question as truthfully as possible, removing the mystery about the subject.

Basically my parents (mainly my Mum, she is smarter than my Dad) answered everything as soon as I asked. For each question. She even had access to some books about it all, see if I can Amazon them up.

[Radiance]

I never had the "Talk" My parents just started offering me sexual advice at random times, even when our conversation wasn't relative to it. "Yeah, i'm going to fly up to chicago to visit <romantic intrest>." "Oh, well be sure to use a condom, probably one that is ribbed for her pleasure, oh and make sure you switch positions frequently to make sure she isn't in one she doesn't like for too long." "Oh, thanks mom... i'll remember that. *smashes head against window*"

[PopCulturePooka]

Ahhh see, I don't mean that per se. By that point you are already an adult or alte teen.

I mean talks as in early teens/childhood, when questions pop up etc.

[Radiance]

Ah, okay I see. Well in that case it was ignored completely. All I remember was "Oh god!" followed by some yelling at my older brother when they found the porn magazines he gave me. >.>

[Pookie42]

yea er i never had the "talk" either i dunno how i found out i guessit musta been through peers and school?

[koku]

Meh. I never had the talk or anything close with my parents and I turned fine. I think as a parent, you SHOULD work towards being open enough with your kid that you could talk about things like this and a bunch of other things, though. It's only going to make the relationship between the kid and parent more than just "cops and robbers." My parents are pretty old-school, though. I never tell them shit. :)

[Frankey-eh]

my parents' philosophy is...

if they don't say anything, I won't know about it, and thus I can stay innocent

My parents are pretty old-school, though. I never tell them shit.

you took the words right out of my mouth.

[PopCulturePooka]

To Rika and the Chocolate Thunder...
Do you agree with your parents mindset? Do you wish they were more open and approachable?

[Kwiz]

Kids will ask about this stuff at an early age, which is yet another compelling reason to never lie - least of all to little ones.

Start with the honesty and open-mindedness early and keep it up, and prudishness will vanish.

[Frankey-eh]

To Rika and the Chocolate Thunder...
Do you agree with your parents mindset? Do you wish they were more open and approachable?
....that's a difficult question.
I can never imagine a life that open. so I won't know it's merits.

however, when they DO talk to me about stuff (like dating after college, warning me that guys just wants a girl to do his chores while girls are satisfied with just getting laid) I get too embarrassed and I just brush their conversation off. I'm not making their job any easier, huh...

[Pookie42]

i dunno i talk a lot iwth my mom abotua lot of things, but i've just never felt liek bringing up sex, and i tihnk my poor dad would die if i ever broughtthat up haha

[Psychochink]

Repost from previous thread:

I never got 'the talk', my mum just assumed that if I had any questions, I'd ask (I didn't). The closest she ever got was, "I don't care if you're having sex or not, but make sure you use a condom. Do you need me to pick some up for you?" (No!)

Of course, my mother is pretty open, as far as mothers go. One of my favourite stories about her is when I was 13 and we were out shopping for a new bed to replace my bunk bed. She turns to me and says, "We'll get you a double bed, so that when you bring your girlfriend home you guys can be comfortable." I mean, yes, it was very forward-looking of her and planned for the future, but at the time I was like, "What. The. Fuck?"

I don't really understand the need for 'the talk', anyway. Do people not just pick this stuff up through osmosis? I know I did - couldn't tell you where/when I learnt about sex.

Edit for clarification: I don't think that there's any particular need for parents to put a concerted effort into teaching their children about sex, so much as there is a need for them to be easily approachable and open. If that's the case, then if kids have questions, they'll ask.

To use another example, I never had a problem letting my mum know that one of our regular party activities was to take a stroll and nick hazard lights (you know, the yellow flashy things they put around roadwork). She didn't exactly approve, and it was illegal, but compared to the other things we could have been getting up to, she figured that it was relatively harmless.

In essence, the attitude was: Kids will do things like experiment with sex, drink, petty larceny, etc. I can either get bent out of shape about it, or realise that it's normal teenage activity, it will happen no matter what I say, so I might as well accept it and save my dissaproval for the bigger things. That way, there's more of a chance that they will actually listen to me when I do.

Not only did my friends think she was fantastic, but she would always say to us, "You're all good kids, and I trust you to do the right thing."...and it worked. For example, my mates and I would drink in the comfort of my house, because there was no need to hide it. She could keep an eye on us, precisely because she wasn't being too restrictive. This isn't to say that she wouldn't dissaprove if we got completely hammered, but she was mild about it - and at the end of the day, that was much more effective than yelling would have been.

[PopCulturePooka]

Because Osmosis lets you pick up some fucked up ideas.

Learning from a same age peer group, full of other kids who are still learning it themselves, can lead to some bizarre concepts about sex.

Like the study years ago in Britain that revealed kids thought chip packets can be good condoms and that coke is a spermicide.

[luvleeyong]

:box: Interesting question...

I never had the "talk" I kinda figured it out in a bad way... (older people being inappropriate with 6 --:eyepop: SIX -- year old)

With my own daughter, who is 2, I will be as open and frank with her as much as appropriate to her level of understanding, depending on what age she starts asking.

I think it is important for every parent to discuss some level of safety issues about appropriate and inappropriate touching as well.

The more they are informed, the more likely they will be to make more educated decisions that aren't wholey based on physical curiosity. Knowledge is the best tool against stupidity -- i.e. stupid mistakes....

[PopCulturePooka]

The more they are informed, the more likely they will be to make more educated decisions that aren't wholey based on physical curiosity. Knowledge is the best tool against stupidity -- i.e. stupid mistakes....
Funnily enough, bodies of research seem to support this claim.

Certainly, all parents want a close connection with their children, but a 2002 study reported in the Journal of Adolescent Health substantiates the power of that closeness to protect kids. The closer you are, the less likely your child is to have sex before she should.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1041/is_7_81/ai_103992970/pg_2

According to two studies released in April by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (NCPTP) that reinforce the role of parental advice and role-modeling in determining the sexual behavior of teens. In those studies, more teens, 38%, pointed to their parents as the biggest influence on their sexual behavior -- more than friends, the media, educators, siblings, or religious organizations.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=51164

[Psychochink]

^ Yep, basically what I was saying. My mum ensured that the lines of communication were always open - which is probably why I couldn't say how much I learned about sex from her.

[PopCulturePooka]

^ Yep, basically what I was saying. My mum ensured that the lines of communication were always open - which is probably why I couldn't say how much I learned about sex from her.
Your parents pretty much sound the same as mine, including the "trust you to do the right thing" guilt game that worked far better than the "forbid you to ever do that" game other parents tried.

Difference is, I distinctly remember asking my parents (again mainly Mum), all that sex jive, from about 6 - 8 with the whole 'where do babies come from', to 'whats AIDS' around 8 - 9 (During that whole Grim Reaper ad campaign on TV, which terrified me. Don't know if you remember it), to 'Whats a condom' and so on.

Our relationship in regards to all this, and by extension, my relationship with Dad as well, was open enough that a few years ago when I ran into some... problems they were my first port of call for advice and support through it all. Wouldn't change that for the world.

[Shamu]

I've had the "talk" with my mom. She was always open and honest about sex and from what I can remember, made things age appropriate. I always felt I made wise decisions involving sex and it was never some big mystery to me. Now, I'm trying to do the same with my daughter, who's 4, and is discovering that boys and girls are different, and she wants to know why. Right now, I just explain to her what girls have and what boys have. She asks where babies come from and I tell her (for now) that they come from a mommy's tummy. I don't think at 4, I need to explain the mechanics of "where babies come from", but as she gets older and is more able to comprehend these things, I'll explain more about it. I want her to be educated about sex, and not hear rumors or falsehoods about it from her peers. I want her to know how a woman gets pregnant and that it's ok to have sex if you're in a loving, respectful relationship with someone. I don't want her to think it's a shamful thing.
However, I don't feel that parents need to be talking about their own personal sex lives, unless there's a medical issue involved (I.E. my mom didn't say things like, "oh! try this, it feels really good!" but she would answer honestly when I'd ask things like "does it hurt?" ect...).
Now that I'm older, I still talk to my mom about sex occasionaly. Mostly about birth control and other medical questions invovling sex. What's been really nice is that most of the women in my family have been pretty open about sex (including my grandma, aunts, and female cousins) and we've found that alot of us have things in common and sometimes we're even able to help solve some issues or questions.
It sounds like an after school special commercial, but it's true, knowledge is power, and who better to learn from than your parents? It's just too bad that there are some parents out there, who refuse to admit that their kids are having sex or going to have sex. Don't condone it necessarily, but don't ignore it or punish it either.
BTW, some of us girls have "girl talk" over msn sometimes. I'm not an expert, but I do have some knowledge (I've said it before, I'll say it again, you learn ALOT about sex and the female body when you're actually trying to get pregnant), and if I don't know, I can find out. So if anyone would like to join us when we have our chats let me know.:)

[Unknown]

I never needed the talk. I have always read to much, so I learned about it in grade school from the random teenage books that I read. And from a news show I watched when I was six that talked about sex changes.

[Frankey-eh]

where I learned about sex...

that's probably the scariest thing about me.

I don't know where I learned it, but somehow I knew it by second grade. I knew the action, but I don't know what it was for. And I... attempted it....with someone....and my mom caught me.....

:o

[Psychochink]

It's a fantastic parenting style. It even extended to my friends, as well, who were much better behaved at my place than they were at their own houses - precisely because they didn't want to dissapoint my mother. Hell, a couple of them are married now and visited from Sydney a few weeks ago. They made a point of catching up with me - and caught up with my parents completely seperately (I was busy). There's a testimony to the influence it can have.

Now that you mention it, I do remember having the AIDS/other STDs discussion with her. But since it was just another topic of conversation that wasn't made a big deal over, it didn't stick in my head.

The Grim Reaper ad campaign was highly effective, and I'm wondering why we're not seeing more ads of that type. The fact is, it was scary and people do remember it (even today). Compare that to the anti-smoking ads that we're seeing now. If you're going to use shock advertising, then at least bother to actually shock people with it - it works. If people complain about it (as they did with the Reaper ads) then you're doing the right thing. Every smoker I know thinks the current ads are a joke.

[MNJetter]

Rika: :eyepop:
In the second grade?

:rofl:


anyhoo....I never got the talk specifically either, but like many people on this forum, apparently, my mum has always answered my questions openly and honestly. I couldn't imagine talking about stuff like that with my dad, though. He still calls it pet names around me, like "hanky-panky," and the only time he's specifically mentioned it in my presence was to make it clear that I could allow my boyfriend to stay at our house when he visits, but there's to be no funny business under my father's roof until we're married. :P

[PopCulturePooka]

I think theres also WAY too many 'shock tactic' tv campaigns now with gruesome pics and dead kids in car accidents. They are just over done now

Actually rika, a lot of developmental researchers think that sex play during childhood, with other kids your age, is perfectly normal. Most kids try it.

Eg doctors and nurses.

[Frankey-eh]

Actually rika, a lot of developmental researchers think that sex play during childhood, with other kids your age, is perfectly normal. Most kids try it.

no... you don't get it... it was unclothed... and with.... a two year old.......

and I think I corrupted him for good that time. he's SO perverted now :eyepop:

*I'm not going to say who, but I bet you can guess....pretty accurately

[darje]

where I learned about sex...

that's probably the scariest thing about me.

I don't know where I learned it, but somehow I knew it by second grade. I knew the action, but I don't know what it was for. And I... attempted it....with someone....and my mom caught me.....

:o

x_@ I thought I was the only dumbass who that happened to. Only instead of my mom, it was the teachers who caught us, and the boy was the only one who had his pants down, so he got off suspended and I was instantly labeled "victim of 3rd grade sexual bullying".

:rofl: I just read the post over mine. With a TWO year old? Jebus. XD

[luvleeyong]

no... you don't get it... it was unclothed... and with.... a two year old.......

and I think I corrupted him for good that time. he's SO perverted now :eyepop:

*I'm not going to say who, but I bet you can guess....pretty accurately



:gangster: :knockout:

Ahhh!!!! Poor guy.....

[h2orowe]

I got my sex talk from a friend in 4th grade XD He was a major prove (Matt, remember Grayson?). Oh, God, I remember when I found out what a condom was, when I watched 60 minuites with my mom, I told my friends at school (I actually thinkg it WAS Matt) and they were like "We knew already" and I was like damn.. I'm late.
I missed Sex-ed in 6th grade, because I was absent. -_-; so, I had to ask questions from friends, because I was too embarassed by my mom, and I don't have a dad, so, yeah.
I remember the first time I tried to.. umm.. do.. that.. to myself. *cough masturbate cough* I didn't know exactly what an orgasm looked/felt like, so I used an old towel to put my stuff in when I was "finishing". I ended up peeing, and thought that's what it was >_>;
Hell, I remember I used to think that sperm didn't even come from the same part of the penis that pee did, I used to think it came from little glands or something on the under-side of the head.
Anyways, I ended up learning a lot about sex from this forum, and from my sex part of health this year in 10th grade.


Edit: no... you don't get it... it was unclothed... and with.... a two year old.......

and I think I corrupted him for good that time. he's SO perverted now :eyepop:

*I'm not going to say who, but I bet you can guess....pretty accurately
Jay?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?1/

[luvleeyong]

no... you don't get it... it was unclothed... and with.... a two year old.......

and I think I corrupted him for good that time. he's SO perverted now :eyepop:

*I'm not going to say who, but I bet you can guess....pretty accurately


:gangster: :knockout:

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Poor guy.......

[Langosta]

I think maybe if you teach them good moral foundation and dangers of disease etc you won't need to sit down and have a specific sex talk.

[Frankey-eh]

Jay?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?1/

:rofl:

this happened when I was seven, so he has nothing to do with this.

but he did corrupt me enough to say this on a forum, when I've never been able to say it anywhere else before. ;)

[TommyA]

I NEVER got the talk, and HAD a healthy sex life with ONE girl for 5.5 years and no pregnancies.

I would want to teachmy kids once I have em, just some basic things. My daughter would learn sooner than my son, but it would depend on their social status, which yeah can be invisible to parents, but once I notice the change, I would bring it up and be open.

[Radiance]

I have to agree, growing up without "the talk" while I got to a healthy place in the long run, wasn't the best decision my parents could have made. Some screwed up things happened to me along the way so I deffinatly support parents being open with their children. Honesty is the best policy, and i'd like to think that if you do things right your child won't be embarassed to come to you with their questions. That is what a parent is for after all. Impart your knowledge to them when they need it, you're more experienced and they need to know it.

[Anders]

Given that Ruaidhri is my father, you can imagine how that "talk" went...

Growing up, my brother and I weren't shielded as many of the other children in my class were. For instance, we were allowed to watch violent movies at a pretty early age. My dad would always watch them with us, explaining things we didn't understand and making sure we knew what was right and wrong. When the time came to talk to us about sex, my dad took a similar approach. When we had questions, my dad would take the time to sit down with us and answer. He explained things completely different from the scientific human growth and development movies, and those comical ones made by disney (ever see those? Here's one! (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5809480155676785259&q=disney)) My dad also bought various books and tapes (educational) for us to learn from. I think I learned more/retained more information from sitting down with my dad than I did learning new dick jokes at school.

[TommyA]

where I learned about sex...

that's probably the scariest thing about me.

I don't know where I learned it, but somehow I knew it by second grade. I knew the action, but I don't know what it was for. And I... attempted it....with someone....and my mom caught me.....

:o

AWESOME! Same thing with me, but I didn't get caught, and it was 2 girls and me in a stall in the coed bathrooms at a christian day care center. The closest I will ever get to a threesome... Nothing happened like what would happen now, we just all decided, "Hey this is boring, OH LOOK AT THE SWINGS!" and ended that session.

[wimmpy]

I never had that talk. My parents found my adult magzine stash when I 14 and never talked to about anything about sex after that. Now that I'm 20 and have not had a serious girl friend yet (I tend to go out for a 1 month and then break up after sleeping together a few times), my parents said they are worried about me getting married. One of the reason's I'm joining the military.

[Duke Luke of Juke]

What age should kids learn about this stuff and from whom?
When, if at all, did your parents give you the talk and how did they do it?

When you have kids how will you do it?
I think they should learn about it around the time they hit puberty (obviously the parents aren't going to know exactly when their kids hit puberty, but I would assume they have a general sense of it), and when they're ready, mentally and emotionally, to handle that sort of knowledge. But that's just the ideal, in my mind.

My parents didn't talk to me about sex, but I have three older brothers, so I was well-informed. And it obviously wasn't just one talk, but a series of revelations, a kind of, "Ohhhh, that's how that works," and an "ahh, that makes sense now."

I think I'll sit them down and try to explain the basics, as well as make a special effort to answer any of their questions (and if they're like I was as a kid, they'll definitely be curious).

[Soli]

I never had the talk, but I think school pretty much covers that topic in health classes.

For now, I think that's all I need to know. What goes where and what happens. I'm not ready to learn the details. @.@ Besides, I don't need to know that stuff anyways (at the moment). :P

[Stephy]

I don't want to hear that stuff. Don't care to. Never got the talk and don't want it. My dad wouldn't give the talk anyway. He would be like, "Sex is evil. You will ruin your life if you ever try it blah blah blah." Don't talk to males, they are all rapists and molesters, so on and so on. (no I'm serious...) And I never attended Health classes. So I was never exposed to that stuff. This year, however, I am taking a anatomy and physiology class, and I must say... "eek"

[Shamu]

Stephanie...we're going to have to have "the talk"...

Seriously, you girls don't really need to know details or the disgusting/dark side of the sex world (ie odd fetishes and what not), but there are somethings they don't teach you in health class, and being educated will keep you safer than having you in the dark. No matter how "icky" you think this stuff is, unless you're going to seriously live as nuns (which I doubt you will), there's some stuff you should know. Sex isn't really something you can ignore. It's part of human nature and the more you know about it, the less scary it is and the better decisions you can make about it.

[Anders]

Two websites to plug- First, see the video from my last post. Once you get a good laugh, go to www.talksexwithsue.com. It is really helpful, and you can look up sound advice about anything sexual.

[Mysticalmelody]

I first heard about sex I think from a 6th grade friend when i was in 3rd grade. Then I learned more around 5th because another friend of mine knew a lot. And also of course sex ed courses. My mom didn't talk about it much that I can remember. At least no big long talks... but now I'd be willing to bet I know more than she does as she hasn't gotten any since I was a year old. I remember the first condom I saw was one she bought.. so that my cat wouldn't get water from her water dish on the cast she had on her broken leg. In the past 5 or so years I have done a lot of reading about sex, BC, all the male and female physiology, and STDs ... the whole lot. Muchmuchmuch reading later and I know probably more than most.

I think the only negative impact that may have occured because of my mom's way of doing things would have been that I knew sex itself was sacred and that should only be shared with someone I truely loved but I didn't realize that some of the things that didn't quite take away my V were just as private and shouldn't be shared with just anyone either. I realized later though and now I feel much better about things.

I think sex will only be "icky" so long as you think about doing it with someone you don't love. It's just part of the natural progression of a strong relationship really. Maybe it's "icky" because you have no idea that the sort of person who you could share that with exists. When you think about sharing that with someone you really love, it's beautiful.

I'm 19 and still living with my mother. She trusts me to make the right decisions and I do. She lets my boyfriend stay over here and vice versa. No problem letting us sleep in the same bed. If she ever leaves us alone a while she gives me a little "be good" or "enjoy your boyfriend ... but not too much" etc. I love that my mom trusts me like that because I know whatever I decide now is what is right for me and I am responsible enough to make my own choices.

My boyfriends family is different however, making him sleep out in the trailer if I stay over... and they have to talk about it any time he or I wants to stay over. He's nearly 19 as well ... but he's the baby of the family soo .. yeah. It makes me sad they don't really trust either of us. Good thing they don't know my mom's real policies on him staying here.

[gyoza]

I don't think I ever got 'The Talk'. Like many other people who've posted here, I have no idea where I picked up what I know (because I definitely knew the basic mechanics of it before sex ed). Luckily for me, the stuff I picked up was accurate and healthy, and I'm all for more openness with parents telling their kids this sort of stuff because I'd rather kids hear it from them than pick up some potentially harmful 'facts' or attitudes about sex from elsewhere.

[Mysticalmelody]

Two websites to plug- First, see the video from my last post. Once you get a good laugh, go to www.talksexwithsue.com. It is really helpful, and you can look up sound advice about anything sexual.

OOh yeah I was gonna suggest that site! The message board thing there is where I learned most about sex, beyond the basics... Great site. Lots of questions you might have are answered.

[gyoza]

I think sex will only be "icky" so long as you think about doing it with someone you don't love. It's just part of the natural progression of a strong relationship really. Maybe it's "icky" because you have no idea that the sort of person who you could share that with exists. When you think about sharing that with someone you really love, it's beautiful.


Quick question/remark: would you say this is largely a 'female' viewpoint? I feel similar to this; I still really do think sex is icky (they call it 'bumping uglies' for a reason), but I think it's beautiful when it comes as an expression for love for someone. But when most people see that I'm a 19-year-old male they start looking at me funny whenever I say this.

[Angelyne]

Never got the talk, have only had one partner over the last three years (and counting!), and probably have safer sex than most of my friends.

And I love watching Talk Sex with Sue. She's so adorable!

[koku]

Kids will ask about this stuff at an early age, which is yet another compelling reason to never lie - least of all to little ones.

Start with the honesty and open-mindedness early and keep it up, and prudishness will vanish.


I can understand it (judging from where they came from), but no, I don't agree with it. I think the more honest and realistic (because let's face it, just because the parent doesn't say it doesn't fix or help) a parent is with their kid, the better that relationship can grow. I think the whole "hide everything from your parents and impress them from time to time" relationship isn't exactly the greatest.

With me, it's just a "hide everything from them and don't piss them off enough to make my life harder" relationship. Normal, but far from the best.

[koku]

no... you don't get it... it was unclothed... and with.... a two year old.......

and I think I corrupted him for good that time. he's SO perverted now :eyepop:

*I'm not going to say who, but I bet you can guess....pretty accurately


Why am I the only one bothered by this? I seriously went "hooly crap" when I read this. He was TWO and you were SEVEN? And I do know who you're talking about. And that makes it even more scary.


Hahahaha. I can't imagine what that did to him. You've shaped his personality. Since he's a guy, I don't think it's a big deal, though.


:eyepop: :eyepop: :eyepop:

[Mysticalmelody]

Gyoza: I don't think that the "sex is icky" thing is necessarily _only_ female. Obviously you prove that one, however maybe it tends to be mostly female, considering males are generally more encouraged to experiment with masturbation. Because there is no sense of normalcy given to females concerning masturbation or exploration or their bodies females often not only think that sex is icky, but that their girlparts are icky... lol ... I think most guys get used to the "ickiness" through regular masturbation.

[Yang]

Well...what can i say...."the talk" is something that i never had...like i said in other the other thread , i got the sexual education class in school when i was child(like in 6th grade or something likethat, i don't remember exactly) ...so mostly that i know now , i got it from those 4 days of S.E. (hell!!! i didn't forget it at all until today so i guess it was good teacing) the rest, i learned it from friends's magazines and some porn movie here and there (at that time)....but it was for a short period of time because i focused myself, since i was 13 y/o, in my main interests wich was always playing video games and the most important stuff to me until today drawing (wich ity makes me earn some extra cash).... and i thought at that time: "well, when the time will come, i will be ready for it i guess...."

So, after all, sex became just a random topic and not a shameful one, and it was not in my best interests to had more deeper info about it at that moment....i admit that i have read about and learned eventually from healthy magazines and stuff like that...assuming what was all the stuff all about... it was so much more informative and right...so i stayed with SE clases and self teaching in my mind...

Anyway, if someday i have kids...i will make sure to talk about with them....making sure to tell everything at the right time...

[Praetorian]

Never needed "the talk". I learned all I needed to learn from random books starting at age 5 or so.

[Jay]

I never needed the talk, either. The most my mum's ever said to me is things like "don't be overly rough" and "be sensible" and dad talks pretty easily about it with me.

I learnt in the schoolyard (hey, I was neglected, I still have ears ;)), in the library and via the internet.

[PopCulturePooka]

Wow, it kinda astounds me that I'm in the minority by learning from parents.

Everyone else seems to have learnt from same age peers, the media, the internet or school.

Out of them the only ones I'd trust really are schhol, which can teach too late.


The others seem so reckless. Especially after the readings I did today.

[Jay]

They ARE reckless. But how you tend to use that knowledge that you learned yourself is your call.

Take myself and Praetorian, two people who learnt through similar avenues and took completely different paths.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

My mom said "rubber" more times than I wanted to hear.

[mamba]

well i only had my mum and i think around 12 she gave me the talk...well not so much the talk but she said my body would be changing ect ect and our neighbour had been a nurse so she gave us a book all about puberty and sex ect. so my mum gave me that and said if i had any questions to just ask her and not feel embarrased. so i learnt from my parents with aid from said book. i think it help, if you know what the hell is going on it makes things less scary and easier to understand. plus sex ed in britain is really good. its not just about, wear a comdom and if you have sex you will get aids and die. its far more informative and we have clinics near school where you can get free advice and condoms ect ect. hell even the janitors carry them incase a pupil is too shy to ask elsewhere, also on mondays i think the nurse would come in at lunch, so people that had problems could get help, and girls could even get the morning after pill there just incase. so it was all pretty well informed for me.

[PopCulturePooka]

They ARE reckless. But how you tend to use that knowledge that you learned yourself is your call.

Take myself and Praetorian, two people who learnt through similar avenues and took completely different paths.
I don't think its the kids who are at fault.

It's truly my opinion that the parents are neglecting a vital part of bringing up their children.

[Jay]

This is beside the point, but my parents neglected a lot and still do. Take an example a few weeks back, whenever I want to have a discussion about anything - just a bullshit tossing-opinions-around discussion - I get told that "I don't have to keep going on about it, I can stop now".

Or last month, during that episode of Las Vegas where they were transported back to the 1960s, my brother asked if they were still in the 60s and I said "yeah, they're still in the same place they were half an hour ago". For that, I got told to be quiet, quite abruptly, by dad, so I said hang on, I just told him they're still in the same place. Dad says yeah, and I told you to be quiet. Which I, quite obviously, took issue at and wanted to know why I'm being yelled at to be quiet when I was explaining something to my brother.

All I ever got was "I told you to be quiet, and that is the end of it, so stop going on".

Fucker.

That one escalated into a broken door and bleeding knuckles. >_<

But this is all beside the point, as I said. Carry on.

[MeneerDijk]

My the parents explained the basics, the rest was filled in by friends, TV, and school.

I personally think that responsability lies with the parents for educating their children about this topic. If the parents neglect to do their duty they put the safety of their kids in harms way. If kids don't know the what's what they are more vulnerable to people wanting to abuse them.

And i think it's absolutely horrible when parents try to scare their children out of having sex, it seems like a very chicken way out to me. Kids should be learned that sex has good and bad qualities, just like everything else in life. Deal with it responsibly and you'll have loads of fun.

[Jay]

I've already decided. When my kids hit thirteen they're going to learn, whether they find it awkward or not.

Obviously, as kids they'll be inquisitive little shits, so I'm not going to laugh behind my hand and say "pussy means cat, honey/mate". They'll learn what it means.

[PopCulturePooka]

I've already decided. When my kids hit thirteen they're going to learn, whether they find it awkward or not.

Obviously, as kids they'll be inquisitive little shits, so I'm not going to laugh behind my hand and say "pussy means cat, honey/mate". They'll learn what it means.
If they ask earlier?
Most kids ask 'where do babies come from?' at around 8-9.

[Praetorian]

It's truly my opinion that the parents are neglecting a vital part of bringing up their children.


Oh, my mother tried to have the talk several times - but I dislike hearing things I already know. And maybe my way of learning was reckless, all of it turned out to be pretty much correct.

[MeneerDijk]

Oh, my mother tried to have the talk several times - but I dislike hearing things I already know. And maybe my way of learning was reckless, all of it turned out to be pretty much correct.

So you were like: STFU NUB! hehe j/k

Yeah, i think almost all pubescent or post-puberty people dislike hearing their parents talk to them about sex, but maybe thats because the parents dont feel comfortable talking about it themselves. It's more like a 'have to' then a 'want to'

[PopCulturePooka]

So you were like: STFU NUB! hehe j/k

Yeah, i think almost all pubescent or post-puberty people dislike hearing their parents talk to them about sex, but maybe thats because the parents dont feel comfortable talking about it themselves. It's more like a 'have to' then a 'want to'
Yeap, the parents approach it with embarassment and shame and it rubs of on the kids.

[Jay]

If they ask earlier?
Most kids ask 'where do babies come from?' at around 8-9.

That's what I'm talking about, I wouldn't get into all the gory details, but I'd explain it the same way the books do.

I've seen some pretty amusing cartoonish sex-ed books. :D

[Kass]

My parents never really had "The Talk" with me per se. When things came up, we discussed them. When sex ed came up in school, they asked what I'd been taught and If I had questions. They said they thought it was better and more responsible to wait until marriage for sex, but that if I made a different choice, I should make sure I was careful AND understood the consequences. If something came up in the media, on TV or whatever, it might spark a conversation.

Pretty much, that is how it has worked with my daughter, but I've been a bit more assertive about it. I've brought things up when it has occured to me, but there has never been a concerted effort to sit down and cover everything from A to Z. My daughter asks a lot of questions about things she sees and hears and we always discuss them.

I leave the biology to the teachers though.

[Jay]

Kass, I always thought your daughter was young, as in under 10.

How old is she, exactly?

[Radiance]

Oh! That reminds me, I ended up learning a lot about sex, drugs, and being screwed up in general from listening to Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla(sp?) on Love Line when I was a young teenager. Though it didn't really impart anything new on to me since my brother was a huge disaster I could watch from afar, i'd still have to say I don't think anyone else would want their child to learn those sorts of things from Adam Carolla. If I had been unable to detect his thinly veiled sarcasm as a kid, I might have taken some of the things he says as the truth.

[Trump]

Heh, my mom wanted us to think she was an angel. I still don't think she'll even admit that she smoked pot in the 70s. I mean hello... hippies? They went and travelled around the country in their car and she expects me to think they didn't do anything? Needless to say, there was no talk of that from her. My dad tried once when I was like... 18 and it was short and resulted in me telling him I already knew everything he had tried to tell me.

[Saiyaness-sama]

Well - being a virgin - and on the way to Spinsterville at 20 - I'd have to say what I've learnt and what I know ~personally~ aren't connected yet. :p

I never got the talk, per se, as I was well...an avid reader of anything I could get my hands on and as mum never really orchestrated control over what I watched or read, I suppose I learnt from a pretty young age what sex was. (Through books and the media - I didn't seek it out - it just happened.) Mum knew this and I guess never bothered to give me the talk.

Then there was sex-ed, which pretty much taught me nothing I didn't know. The actual act of sex - I don't know any parent that would give their kids tips or techniques or anything, jesus.

The only thing mum has ever said to me is. "Now, if you ever want to have sex, you come tell me first and we'll talk about it."

WTF? I think that put me right off sex altogether. "Yeah right, mum." I mean really. "So I want to spread my legs for someone, mum..." I can totally see myself bringing THAT up in a conversation over dinner. o_o;;

So anyway. Conclusion: I didn't get the talk. My knowledge of the bedroom romping comes from books, tv and thin walls. I've had a super upbringing.

[conners]

Quick question/remark: would you say this is largely a 'female' viewpoint? I feel similar to this; I still really do think sex is icky (they call it 'bumping uglies' for a reason), but I think it's beautiful when it comes as an expression for love for someone. But when most people see that I'm a 19-year-old male they start looking at me funny whenever I say this.

I enjoy it and don't consider it icky at all. Cleaning up afterwards can be a bit of a pain though. A lot of times I'll hop in the shower with my partner and we'll run out of hot water before we get around to the showering part of it.

I'd disagree that sex itself is a beautiful expression of love. I would consider a beautiful expression of love to run more along the lines of sitting on the banks of a river, watching the sun go down while cuddling with each other and having a talk about something interesting. Sex is a recreational activity.

[Kass]

Kass, I always thought your daughter was young, as in under 10.

How old is she, exactly?

She'll be 13 in June.

[Shamu]

If they ask earlier?
Most kids ask 'where do babies come from?' at around 8-9.
My daughter's only 4 and her and her little pre-school friends already ask where babies come from and why boys and girls are different "down there" (see my earlier post).
Curiosity starts EARLY! Not at puberty. Parents should be talking to their kids about stuff even earlier then that (as I said before, make it age appropriate), but also little girls are starting menstration and whatnot much earlier than previous generations (some as early as 9 or 10) and it's important to explain that stuff to them before that (again, age appropriate). But god forbid your 11 year old come home pregnant or with a serious STD because they didn't know what was what (I've heard of this happening more and more sadly) and don't wait to let school explain everything, they are reliable for information, but not nearly as influental as a parent would be and as someone mentioned above, sometimes too late with the information.
Parents have a responsibility to protect their kids and that means giving them the knowledge to make the right decisions for themselves.
I'm suprised, like Pooka, that we are in the minority, and a little sad too that more parents don't realize that by talking honestly about sex with their children, they're protecting them.

[Jay]

She'll be 13 in June.

On topic, how have you spoken to her about sex, etc? (If you have.) I'm sure a lot of us could use the knowledge for when we have kids.

[Tenlaius]

i yet to have been given 'the talk'
14 going on 15..
but ya, had a sex ed 2 week thing which they went over some, yet not all, of it.
Although me spending alot of the time on forums and internet probaly taught me more than that class did.

and no I don't mean porn

[Kass]

Honestly and when it comes up, like a comment on a raido talk show or a scene in a TV show prompts it, or when the annual week of sex ed rolls around in school.

We've talked about homosexuality, sex, responsibility, etc.

I've told her my viewpoint on pre-marital sex (if you can't get a job and earn enough to support a family, you've no business screwing around) and gay/lesbian issues (who people sleep with is no one else's business and no one should be treated differently because of their choices).

It isn't that big a deal if you don't get all flustered about it. It isn't like they asked for a beer and the keys to the car.

[Jay]

Honestly and when it comes up, like a comment on a raido talk show or a scene in a TV show prompts it, or when the annual week of sex ed rolls around in school.

We've talked about homosexuality, sex, responsibility, etc.

I've told her my viewpoint on pre-marital sex (if you can't get a job and earn enough to support a family, you've no business screwing around) and gay/lesbian issues (who people sleep with is no one else's business and no one should be treated differently because of their choices).

It isn't that big a deal if you don't get all flustered about it. It isn't like they asked for a beer and the keys to the car.

That's how I've always imagined answering my kid's (or kids') sex questions when they come up - honest and to the point, and I wouldn't just tell a white lie such as "babies come from your tummy", since they don't.

Anyone who takes issue with me for that, they know where they can stick it. :D

[Kass]

Well, that is how I'd answer a preschooler. The biology and sexual aspects are a bit above a 4-year-old. "Babies grow inside a mommy's belly" isn't a bad answer for that age. You just get more detailed as children age.

For the most part anymore, my daughter and I laugh when the "talk to your kids" public service announcements come on and make a joke of it.

I look at her and say, "Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't skip school and don't screw around."

She looks back, laughs and says, "Got it. Sober, studious and celibate. Can do."

[Hatsumomo]

My parents never gave me "The Talk." When I was five (since I was reading at 3 and they already knew that I don't retain anything they tell me, but I can quote books), they gave me a book, aptly titled "How Babies Are Made," complete with construction paper cutouts of dogs and chickens going at it and showing in humans how the sperm fertilizes the egg, how the baby grows, and childbirth. I wish I could find that book now. It was so funny.

Also, I went to school before this "abstinence-only" bullshit came out and sex-ed started in third grade. That could explain why I was having full-on sexual fantasies at age 8....

[Jay]

Well, that is how I'd answer a preschooler. The biology and sexual aspects are a bit above a 4-year-old. "Babies grow inside a mommy's belly" isn't a bad answer for that age. You just get more detailed as children age.

Certainly. Plus with preschoolers any answer that seems even halfway the truth (such as "babies come from mummy's tummy", which is is half true, since the abdomen is distended with pregnancy) makes them feel like the all-knowing king or queen of the world themselves. :D

I watched my 14 year old, 10 year old, 8 and 6 year old cousins and 14 year old brother grow up, I like to think I know a little bit about that. :D

For the most part anymore, my daughter and I laugh when the "talk to your kids" public service announcements come on and make a joke of it.

I look at her and say, "Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't skip school and don't screw around."

She looks back, laughs and says, "Got it. Sober, studious and celibate. Can do."

That's how I really want to be with my kids. I want sex to be an easy and amicable topic, not something that was extremely rarely talked about unless my parents were half drunk, much less thoroughly discussed, with my kids, when I get around to having them.

[Frankey-eh]

I asked 'where babies came from' when I was five, but that's because my brother was about to be born.
my mom said, the hospital.

shylilsweety, my parents agree with you.
just yesterday, I was watching a french film(which I had no idea had sex) in the living room, where my mom was working. (it was for extra credit)

starting from when the couple was first hugging at the airport, she was like "why are you wasting your time watching this? a student doesn't have time for this. you should be studying. messing around like this will only lead to a failed life"
AND THEY WERE ONLY HUGGING!!!

it got so uncomfortable near the end in the living room that I just fast forwarded the movie...

[CNagy]

Never got the talk, but I was sort of thrust into the world of sexual awareness by a 12 year old female cousin at the age of 4 or 5. No sex of any flavour, of course, but that's when I developed an interest in women. I was also apparently a hell of a kisser for a youngin.

[Blanche]

I think the earlier the better. My mom started talking to me about it (ranging from normal sex all the way to rape) possibly ever since I was born... She also gave me health books for me to read on my own.

[fa11en87]

no... you don't get it... it was unclothed... and with.... a two year old.......

and I think I corrupted him for good that time. he's SO perverted now :eyepop:

*I'm not going to say who, but I bet you can guess....pretty accurately


Your younger brother?? Just a guess ince you wouldnt really know what its about maybe..

[Kaji]

When I was 5 I asked where babies came from, got the full biological explanation from my dad (I even asked him why the two people he drew didn't have any clothes on when he was drawing up the diagram...).

When I was 9, Dad randomly came in one morning and said that this goes into that. That was how I learned what sex was.

At 12 my dad finally sat down and had the full-out talk. I don't remember too much about that one other than that it didn't cover anything really about diseases (my biology major girlfriend has taught me more on that one by showing some of the case studies and such she's read than any other source I've seen).

Generally I got the whole "don't do it until you're married" thing, and I've done pretty well by that (almost 23). Birth control and masturbation never came up in the discussions either, but then again I was baptized Catholic, my dad never stopped being Catholic, and I became Catholic again at 15 (was raised Episcopalian because my mom didn't like the atmosphere of Cahtolic churches, so we went to the denomination she was raised in), so in the end I guess that one turned out to be a non-issue.

[PopCulturePooka]

Actually Kaji, I find your story interesting becuase of the fact that your catholic and so is your Dad, but he still went out of his way to lay down the facts to you at age-appropriate times.

Stereotypically, I see religious type parents to be the most against doing that. I'm wrong.

[Kaji]

Even to this day I still talk to my parents about things when the odd questions come up now and then (had a few interesting talks with my mother when she was getting a total hysterectomy done about a year and a half ago for medical reasons). As long as it's kept clinical in nature my mom doesn't mind discussing it, and my dad is ok with discussing it either way. Don't know too much about what education my brother got on the subject, though I do remember when I was 14 (making him about 11-12) he got the biology lesson as part of his classes (and ended up getting quite confused at why everyone was dying with laughter when he asked if it was basically the man "going to the bathroom in the woman." Poor kid is lucky he was homeschooled, I can only imagine the trauma that would have caused in a classroom...hehehe...).

By and large my parents are all about doing what they can to be responsible parents. Sometimes it resulted in things a bit outlandish (e.g. Mom banned Rugrats growing up because she happened to catch the scene from one episode where Tommy attacks his father with a plastic screwdriver to see if he's a robot), but for the most part they've done pretty well from what I've seen. As for the sex stuff, I think in the end what it amounted to is that they decided that it would be more harmful to withhold the information than to make sure my brother and I had a proper education on the matter.

[Kaji]

Guess I'm odd here in that I've never been ashamed of being with my parents or whatever. Always gotten along with them pretty well, honestly.

[Ethan712]

Hmm... i'm 20 and I still haven't had the "talk" with my parents. They just point to news clippings of girls that were raped and murdered and say, "don't trust boys." That's about as close as we have gotten to discussing sex.

Thank goodness for sex ed in middle school and high school.

As for my future kids, I'd probably do what Az's parents did..leave a porn video in my kids room. I still think that's a brilliant idea.

[KelliShaver]

I remember gettigna full biological explanation... also from my dad (I'm female), when I was about 6ish. My parents and I always had an open and honest relationship with each other about everything. I don't remember getting any specific sex talk beyond the biology of how babies grow in utero, but I remember asking questiosn here and there and getting answers, or my mom mentioning something on occasion. After my mom passed away, there was a time where my dad saw fit to take over the sexual advice/education department, which, I have to admit, was a bit akward for both of us, I think, but we got over it... well, I did. Not sure about him. I figured he loves me, just wants what's best for me, sex is part of life, so no need to feel akward about it.

I want to have the same open, honest lreationship with my daughter. I want her to knwo I'm here to answer any questions she has. I'll probably aproach the subject with her at some point if she doesn't beat me to it, but I'm not sure yet when or how. In the mean time, I'll just answer questions in an age-appropriate manner as they pop up.

[Smidge204]

I've never received "the talk". But now that I've gotten older, my parents are at least able to discuss frankly about it (though they are obviously more apprehensive about it than I am!) I like to think that I turned out all right regardless, and that my parents appreciate that.

I plan to never start a family. Breeding is just something that doesn't appeal to me, though perhaps I'm just worried I'd make a bad father since I'm not very good with children. However, if something happens to convince me to start a proper family...

I believe the child should be given respect. I mean, I don't feel it needs to be sugar-coated and full of dodgy analogies just to avoid being embarrassed. He/she may still be a kid but, but to their credit they can understand a lot. I think they'll appreciate a straightforward and honest discussion.

Top priority would be to ask what they already know, or at least think they know. I think it's most important to clear up any misinformation they may have picked up and help them connect the dots rather than try and blunder through the whole thing. I would use proper language (not childish, not vulgar) while still trying to keep it simple.

I also think that there are some things you just can't explain. It sounds like a cop out, but sometimes "you'll understand when you're older" is really the best answer. The whole point of "the talk" is to prepare them for that, right?

As for age, I think if you don't take care of it by age 15 you've missed the boat. Age 12 is probably the best time.
=Smidge=

[Masa the Masta]

I never had the talk.

I had smaller talks all through my life, and my parents always knew I'd learn from other sources, since they started talking about a subject and I already knew what they were talking about.

They don't bullshit.

[Tekdude]

All I got was a quick talk in the car with my dad, probably about a year ago (I'm 18 now):

"You know about babies and sex and stuff, right?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

On the way home for spring break, it progressed to:

"So, any girlfriends?"

"No."

"Oh, ok."

Now he thinks I'm gay, which I'm not.

[Masa the Masta]

I think at some point, a good number of parents might entertain the likelihood that their kid is gay.

I know mine did, but that's only because I never tell them what goes on. I usually tell my parents everything too, I don't really hide a lot from them. I bet that's why they thought that.

[Neon Pink Shoehorn]

I've never had any kind of talk with my parents. the closest thing that I got to it was when I got my period, and my mom made this really silly gesture, and said, 'you're blossoming!" I hated it.
but having "the talk" means not just monologuing, but also listening. which is a concept that neither of my parents have learned yet...

[MFDub]

I never had the "talk" with my folks since, well, I didn't really have a girl I was interested in for the longest time. Once I did, I was old enough that I had figured it out on my own. The only "talks" I had with my folks were when my mother said, "Now, no hanky-panky. I don't want any grandkids yet."

*sigh* Yes, Mom...

[eMadman]

Aaah, the good old 'talk'. When I was like 8, I asked my mom "what does sex mean?" My brother was laughing his butt off and my mom grabbed me by the arm, pulled me aside and told me "don't you EVER mention that again"

I.... never had a talk. Actually, I don't think *any* Pakistani kid has ever had the talk growing up. In fact, in my house especially it's taboo to even discuss anything related to sex or the opposite gender. I can't even dream of bringing a girl home because I know my parents would probably throw me out - and I'm 20. Of course, this just means I have to go behind their backs if I ever want to get together with a girl.

There are times I seriously wish I came from a more open minded culture. It's not cool getting 'the talk' on one of those random childhood days when I decided it would be nice to go for a bike ride in the woods and nearly running over a couple...on the muddy ground... having sex :bang:

[paul]

My parents are chinese.

When my mom was like 20:
"Wow you slept in the same bed with your mom until that age? Wouldn't you guys have children or something?"

yea, still had no clue where children came from, at 20.

And that is why I probably know more about this topic than my parents will ever know.

[jihei18]

I don't know if I ever got "the talk". I remember my mom talking to me openly about relationship stuff in my early teens (this included what she considered appropiate behavior for a couple in public, and the emotionally scarring account of her brief obsession with hot Venezulean boxers), but my younger years are a bit of a blur. She always encouraged me to do library research if I had a question she couldn't answer appropiately, so I'm sure that my intimate knowledge of the "So you're becoming a woman" part of the library was due to her influence. I will go the book route with my future children.

[Mastiker]

i more or less figured it out on my own, long before any of my friends even knew what sex was. my parents didn't tell me, but... it's weird. someone asked me where babies came from, and i explained, roughly, the process on how to get babies, and i was more or less correct. i was just a little off on the whole egg thing, mostly cause i didn't know women anatomy.

actually, by the time my dad and i had "the talk" i answered a few of his questions :P... but i learned very little from the media or from peers.