A Special Delivery

[l337m45t3r]

Wow. That'll twist your brain allright....

Damn, I'm allmost speechless.

In any case 3 cheers for the mums out there! Hip hip Hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

[mikormack]

-- Condoms that aren't too smallwas this the precursor for this editorial? 'cause I stand by my comments in response from before:who are the Japanese making their condoms for anyway? it's not like any of the Japanese guys use them, given the ridiculously low birth control usage rate. so given that their market is bound to be at least 50% gaijin, why they can't make decently sized condoms is beyond me.
but it could be worse, man. I mean your mom could've accidentally stumbled onto your site and asked you, the next time you call up,

"so, out of curiosity, what exactly is the 'Octopus'?"

I think from that point on you'd never be able to look Mom in the eye again. :D

[BluZytrix]

This story was great. Especially the fact that his mom is kool about it. I'm pretty sure my parents would have not trouble shipping me some condoms and I'm sure they would abuse me a little on the way like that too. Such is the love of a parent.

[co_delphi]

Well you have to view it from a parents perspective..... would you prefer that instead your son does not use condoms in a country without birth control and bring home a nice illegitimate child and get forced into a marriage for honor reasons alone?

[Wysen]

I had a similar issue with my mother and condoms. Back when I was twenty, I came home one weekend from college, on my way out the door and back to college, my mother handed me a plastic bag which had an open box of condoms in it.

Mom: Here... your dad and I don't need these any more.
Me: ...........
Mom: .........
Me: ............... Um, thanks.
Mom: I just want you to be safe--
Me: Yeah, ok, love ya mom, bye.

Embarasing at the time, sure. But sure makes for a great story today. Worst part about it is there was one condom missing from the box. There are just some places you don't want to go to with your parents, this is one of them.

[StormShadow]

were they still good? Gross, had they bought them recently? Any squeeky springs during your visit?

*Squeek* *Squeek* *Squeek* *Squeek* *Mooooaaaaann* *Squeek* *Squeek*

[Excel-2008]

I'm of age and I was never given the talk. I had to learn it from watching television and reading about porn. I had never watched any adult films and looking at where this is going, I'm going to have to make third thoughts about starting.

[Wysen]

were they still good? Gross, had they bought them recently? Any squeeky springs during your visit?

*Squeek* *Squeek* *Squeek* *Squeek* *Mooooaaaaann* *Squeek* *Squeek*
They weren't old or anything, recently bought by the look of them. In order to help get myself to sleep at night without nightmares, I've convinced myself that mom just bought them for me and couldn't think of a good excuse to give them to me. Nevermind the count of 11 in a box of 12. That's what I tell myself, and it does help me sleep better at night.

[Expert Insomniac]

Wow... so your first experience with porn was the gym downstairs? How are you supposed to learn anything about sex if you're too busy wondering what type of weight machines they have at the gym?

Ah well. When I first saw this editorial, it took me a few minutes to remember that you weren't referencing the actual worst porn ever. Not only would it teach you nothing about where the penis goes, it would probably inspire you into a long life of celibacy.

And I've never understood when parents try so hard to keep their kids from accessing porn. I can understand wanting to keep them from accidentally charging something to mom and dad's credit card, but seriously: let's be realistic. It doesn't matter what you do. You can get rid of porn, put a camera in your son's room, chop off his hands: it's not going to stop him. He's gonna masturbate. A boy's urge to masturbate is stronger than Napolean's desire to rule the world.

Personally, I know if I ever asked my dad to send me condoms, I would get a package filled with Bible verses proclaiming how evil my desires were, as well as promises to pray for me from 500 people I've never met.

But you have to know what the true effect of your latest editorial is, Az.

Now I'm going to spend the entire day wondering how big your penis is.

[simon]

I used to work as a Community Advisor (aka RA, rez fellow, don, prefect, etc) in residence at university, so I had to keep condoms in my room for when people on my floor needed them. I had a big box of at least...hm.... around 60.

When the school year ended, I still had about 40 left and had nothing else to with them, so I brought them home. One day my mom was cleaning my room and found them. Next time she sees me she says,

"Simon, I found a big box of condoms in your room."

"Oh...yeah..."

"Yeah, at first I was surprised," she said, "but then I figured they were from work, so it's okay."

Translation: There's no way YOU could be having sex.

ouch

[Java_Junky]

You know, its true. I couldn't for the life of me think why you would resort to your mother in this situation. But then I gave it some more thinking and realized that of everyone in my life, (barring my wife these days), the only person I would trust "absolutely" would be my mother.

But just the same, you had to be sweating that phone call a bit before you made it.

:j

[unoriginal_cyn]

"She then asked me the question that NO man should EVER be asked from his mother, EVER.

Mom: Do you need regulars, or magnums?"

That just about killed me; I couldn't stop laughing for 5 minutes.
Certainly way better than how I would imagine my parents to react in that respect. I'd rather shoot myself than ask my mom to send me condoms or birth control pills.

[Praetorian]

A boy's urge to masturbate is stronger than (Napolean's) Michael's desire to rule the world.

Fixed.






Also, I really liked this editorial. And expert insomniac, I have to say I like how you phrased that. I was about to put it in my signature, and then I remember Jeff was getting rid of vCode in sigs anyway.

[Monkey]

Az has just got to make sure that his mother doesn't actually want him to have kids.

Otherwise, one day, he'll find the latest special delivery has had a hole made in each condom with a pin....

[BluZytrix]

Now that is just plain evil. I could never imagine a parent doing something like that. That's just plain crazy.

[Joe]

Heheheh, Take that comparatively well endowed Az. Maybe you could take like three of the little ones, and knit them together to make one big one? Or just make balloon hotdogs out of them.

I can turn any condom into a balloon hotdog, I have 1337 skillz.

[PopCulturePooka]

Hahaha pretty much exactly what happened to me. I asked my mother to get me Dingers as well. And she sent me WAY too many. Like four odd boxes. And just like Az there was... variety.

But she found the whole ordeal funny.

[scan2001]

Great story. I guess now your mother and you have a funny story to always talk about.

[hanacker]

Isn't there Condomania or something in Osaka? I tried pretty much every brand the conbinis near my apartment carried and there were one or two types that were a decent size.

[co_delphi]

Isn't there Condomania or something in Osaka? I tried pretty much every brand the conbinis near my apartment carried and there were one or two types that were a decent size.

I think the problem here is that we are not aware of the actual size of Az's penis (not that I am especially curious either).

But as a side note I did come up with a interesting marketing idea. I know there are a couple of businesses out there that make money by making plaster casts of famous peoples dongs and then using them to produce "life sized" dildos so you can essentially be having sex with your favorite band member/movie star.

I can even see the marketing involved. Own your own huge black Gaijun cock. Try to dodge dick grabs with this in your pants - challenge your friends or try to perfect you own "octopus" from the comforts of your own home.

[ShadowDeth]

Well Az, this is both a heartwarming story and an amusing one. I would only hope that in the same situation, my mother would have acted like yours.

She is truly an angel.

[Azrael]

And expert insomniac, I have to say I like how you phrased that. I was about to put it in my signature, and then I remember Jeff was getting rid of vCode in sigs anyway.
You can still quote people, there's a decent text limit, you just can't use the quote tags. So instead of...

I am the very model of a modern major gentleman.
It'd be like

Azrael:
I am the very model of a modern major gentleman.

Or

Az: I am the very model....

Or

"I am the very model..." -Az

Whatever you like.

[Shamu]

Az, This has to be one of your funniest editorials yet! And that's hard to do, because they're all brilliant! I was laughing so hard I nearly cried! Your poor mom! I now want to have a son, just so I can send him random packages of condoms when he gets older (just kidding, of course that's the kind of mom I am) :p . Still, that was some funny s**t! It's nice to know that you have that kind of relationship with your mother, that she can send you stuff like that (as embarassing as it is). I suppose like most mothers though, she just wants you to be safe.

[Annie]

What's embarassing for me is, usually my bedroom door is always open during the summer to let the AC flow. One night no one was home so me and my boyfriend decided to go at it, so we closed the door, and you know, did it. Then his mom came home. I'm sure she wasn't thinking "Oh, they must have the door closed because they're reading the Bible."

There's always someone in this house though. When we close the door for an hour late at night, I'm sure they know what we're up to. Still embarassing, though. :o

[Addicted]

That was a great editorial, Az. Thanks for sharing :D I could never ask my mom to buy me condoms. Not because I'm embarassed but because she wouldn't.

[Dresh]

I grew up in a family that doesn't really care much about sex. I knew all the important details of how babies were born before I turned six. So it's kind of hard for me to identify with most of you guys, or even try to analyze your respective mothers' mindsets. XD I know my mom would have no problem buying me a big ol' box o' condoms.

[erbiumfiber]

So Foreign Buyer's Club (yup, they sell condoms along with everything else) and drugstore.com weren't options, huh? Yeah, I guess the prices are a little high but still, I would do anything to not have to ask my mother. If your parents are still willing to send you care packages, then I guess "free" is still a great price...

Related condom topic:

Actual conversation with my daughter when she was 5 (not yet in kindergarten).

Cathy: Mom, I don't want you to get married again.

Me: Why?

Cathy: Because I don't want any brothers or sisters.

Me: That's OK, I can get married and we don't need to have any brothers and sisters.

Cathy: Well then, how do you prevent the sperm from reaching the egg?

WTF? No, I hadn't had the "facts of life" talk in that kind of detail with my daughter. She'd been reading since the age of 2 and could read pretty advanced material. I found that she had been reading books from the "Parent's Section" inside the Children's Room at the Library, which was mainly filled with books about how to teach your children about sex. Between that and the animals going at it on the Discovery Channel, she pretty much worked out all the major facts. Still, a bit of a shock to the system...

(BTW she explained to me that the reason she didn't want brothers and sisters was because she didn't want to have to share me with them- and she's never changed her mind about that her whole childhood- she's 16 now...)

[General_Admission]

Mom's are always great for buying embarrassing things. They don't care one bit.

[MFDub]

Heh, this editorial makes me think about how my mother would react. You see, she would buy them for me, of course. But not before she made a big deal about it. And I don't me a big deal because she's super-strict or anything. No, no, no. My mother would tease me for hours on end on this topic.

"So...what exactly are you doing? Is this why you keep telling me you're too busy to talk? I see how it is."

And she would keep going for weeks.


But she would buy them.


God bless my mommy. I give her problems enough as is...(and yes, I'm twenty and still call her 'mommy')

[Praetorian]

Ah yes thanks Az. However, I also remembered how putting anything concerning masturbation in my sig may make me... I don't know... Jay/D_Pad/Other-padded-wall-regulars-ish?

No offense to them ofcourse.

[Loc]

hehe nice editorial, my mum can be awful like that...I won't go into it as it'd be a very big post, let's just say she likes embarassing me. :(

[Jay]

Ah yes thanks Az. However, I also remembered how putting anything concerning masturbation in my sig may make me... I don't know... Jay/D_Pad/Other-padded-wall-regulars-ish?

No offense to them ofcourse.

So now just because I like the humour of Padded Walls I'm getting cast by the same die as D_pad? :(

Sweet editorial by the way. You got more balls than me, Az. :D

[Snake eyeS]

I have never bought condoms, but somehow my room has alot of condoms laying around, in my coat, in the car, downstairs in a drawer and in my wallet.. I sure my mom placed them their with the best intentions, but girls feeling me down and then finding condoms in different parts of my cloths is akward, you just cant put up a normal face after a girl found the condoms, the expression on my face when that happends makes sure i dont get to use em :(

[Hadal_Blues]

I trust my mother alot too but wouldn't it be easier to ask your dad...

A dad probably wouldn't say anything
I'd be embarrassed to bring hte subject up with my mom which i'm sure she'd do it for me, but with my dad it would probably be easier, quicker, less painful.

[Chinamerican]

You are a very lucky man to have such an understanding mom.

My dad won't even "let" me drink and I'm 21. And he owns a liquor store and used to bartend.

My mom and dad are really conservative Chinese people and they frown down on birth control and the such. It's a good thing I get sick often so those unitemized "prescriptions" for BC are usually assumed to be codeine-laced cough syrup or something else to fight flu/cold symptoms. It was really hard to tell them that I could possibly have a prolactinoma (it's a kind of tumor; look up the symptoms and you'll understand why).

I will be extremely happy when I move out.

[Roxie]

What I want to know is what you answered your mom when she asked "regular or magnums?" ;)

[Kustom]

My own condom story:
Before leaving France I was packing my things at my parents place (my appartment had been returned a day earlier), and of course condoms were on my mental list of things to bring (Az is absolutely right, condoms in Japan are fucking horrible, don't get me started!).

But since my mother was checking my bags every 5 minutes to make sure I had taken this or that, I wanted to wait until the last minute before I put them in... In the meantime it was sitting hidden in my desk. You see where this is going. So of course, I eventually forgot to put them in, and left for Japan condomless.

A month later, a parcel arrived through the mail. Among food and other things, my mother sent me the condom boxes, with a note: "I found this in your desk, and I thought you might need it..."
Now I was taken aback, but years of her snooping around taught me to deal with my mother doing this kind of thing. But you should have seen thelook of sheer horror on my Japanese girlfriend's face when she saw me opening mum's parcel! I dare say she will never make eye contact with my mother again...

[General_Admission]

I have a theory on why the condoms are so small in Japan.

1) Most Asian guys have a small penis (I'm sure it is not true for all, but I have seen way too many pornos to think otherwise)

2) The Japanese like to be polite, thus they make all their condoms small, even for an Asian guy. In a way they are saying, 'hey, you have a big penis.' Japanese guys believe they are bigger than the average and are satisfied, coming back to buy more of the ego boosting condoms.

[/EndTheory]

[Collapse]

Being an Asian, the theory seems to hit a bullseye.. somewhat.

Anyway, my parents are pretty much open for everything, so it's okay. Heck, I'm the one who's embarassed when my mother usually gets.. unusually a bit.. dirty in terms of actions or languages.

[zenx]

Just a suggestion, why can't you just buy them on eBay and save the embarrassment? What can't you buy online these days ;)

Anway, I think this following joke is appropread for this thread. And no I've got nothing against fellow Americans :cool:


Asian guy is having his "SNACK" ( bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Asian folks eat the whole bread??"
Asian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to Asia."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Asia listens in silence.

The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"

Asian : "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia."

The Asian (pissed of) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Asian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Asian : "We don't. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America
Asia 1 - USA 0

[Psychochink]

Ah, mothers...

My favourite moment along these lines was after we'd just moved in to a new house, and it so happened that I needed a new bed. So I went shopping for one with my mother. Keep in mind I was 14 at the time...

"We'll get you a double bed so that when you have your girlfriend over you two can be comfortable."

Note: I didn't have a girlfriend at the time. She had just decided to plan ahead for my inevitable sexual exploits. Upon hearing this my friends thought she was the coolest mother ever - me, my brain broke a little bit.

[paul]

actually, I have no preference between my king sized (my room) and her couch (her basement). They're equally comfortable to me, and if you're planning to do on them something other than their function, I doubt you'll be staying in one place long enough to worry about comfort ;)

Actually, there are good and bad parts about it. The main con is the bed is so huge, it takes up most of the space in my room.

[hanacker]

For the actual sex, the bed size doesn't matter so much, but if you're going to lay there for a while afterwards, bigger is definitely better. It sucked trying to sleep two in my extra-short single bed in Japan.

[Azrael]

For the actual sex, the bed size doesn't matter so much,
...Huh? I definitely prefer bigger beds for sex, smaller beds don't allow for as much positioning.

...But I do have really long legs, maybe that plays a factor.

[Roxie]

...Huh? I definitely prefer bigger beds for sex, smaller beds don't allow for as much positioning.

...But I do have really long legs, maybe that plays a factor.
Answer my question!! :p

[Annie]

Just a suggestion, why can't you just buy them on eBay and save the embarrassment? What can't you buy online these days ;)



Would YOU buy condoms on eBay? I sure as hell wouldn't. I'd buy them from an online drug store, but not eBay.

[co_delphi]

From my experience the only time a small bed is useful is when it is a waterbed. If you are trying to get it on in a waterbed of anything other than single size, the curvature of the mattress due to water displacement tends to work against keeping you together and unless you are very talented at keeping a rythym, the waves caused will screw up the "flow".

[zenx]

Would YOU buy condoms on eBay? I sure as hell wouldn't. I'd buy them from an online drug store, but not eBay.
Or an online drug store even, my point being he could have saved the embarrassment but whatever floats your boat

[co_delphi]

Or an online drug store even, my point being he could have saved the embarrassment but whatever floats your boat

Just a guess on my part but I know that when I worked for a number of online retail ventures in 2000 anything sent overseas typically were sent almost literally on a slow boat to China and there was no guarentee on their arrival or on it's condition when it arrived.

Considering he first arrived in August 2003 and probably ran out of whatever stock he had shortly thereafter, unless they changed the methods and/or speed of the deliveries in those 3 years then I can definately see the reason to go through family.

[hanacker]

...Huh? I definitely prefer bigger beds for sex, smaller beds don't allow for as much positioning.

...But I do have really long legs, maybe that plays a factor.

Bigger is definitely better, but I don't think I had too many problems with my tiny Japanese bed (well, except for occasionally hitting my head on the low cabinets). It's nice to be able to roll all over the place on my king-sized bed in America, but it's not a huge deal to me. But it's also possible that you're much more freaky than me or that I'm looking back with rose-colored glasses.

[dillzman]

I did a lot of testing with different types of condoms, actually for my sex class. Intro to human sexuality, and I wrote a paper on what types, brands, and other, and how they differ from each other. I tried like 8 different kinds from japanese and american condoms. You should only trust american or japanese condoms because they have the highest level of testing. Anyway, the japanese ones were so tight, like, it just didn't feel good (not that condoms feel good anyway, its like telling a girl to tie their clit with string and saying "well try to have a good time", it just takes away so much). It hurt and I just said "f-dat" and stop using them.

Oh I did get some condoms off ebay a few times, not to bad. Some sellers tell you when they expire so that helps a lot. I've had no problem with them. Also Polyurithane condoms, not so good if you last a long time, just a warning... I'm going to be a sexologist so I've done a lot of studying and classes on sex.

One last thing, Az, your mom is pretty cool. Sounds like you have a good family, and that is rare, and really nice to have these days.

Dillon

[Josh]

Sexologist? That sounds like an awesome job...

I remember the first time I was given condoms. My dad put them in my room the day I turned 15 with a little note that said "Have Fun :) Don't Fuck Up!" I still don't know why he gave me so many, but I do remember selling them to my friends for horribly high prices. I prevented 50 kids. A miracle worker I am.

[Spaatz965]

Can definately appreciate AZ's situation...my Mom is cool, she just doesn't want to know about it...

Flashback a few years (or more...) to my 16th birthday (holy cow :eek: that thought triggered the math...damn I'm getting old, but I digress).

Got a giftwrapped box....hmmm, obviously clothes...just what I (16 year old computer geek) *really* wanted for my birthday. Open the present, and yup...a couple new shirts.

Here's where it got freaky for me. Just as I'm setting the box down, Mom calls out from the other room that there's more in the box. Damned if she hadn't gotten her 16 year old boy the Madonna issues of both Penthouse and Playboy (the Playboy she promptly snatched up to read the party jokes). And...yes, that was the year the issues were released. Do the math yourselves if you're interested. :eek:

On the she doesn't want to know part...any time she brings up embarrasing things I'd rather my wife not hear about (my wife thinks all those stories are cute...or so she claims...I think she secretly enjoys watching me squirm), I just start describing how I'd played 'Rocky' at the local midnight movie showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she drops it right there. Guess hearing about her son in fishnets in front of a crowded theater just is too much for her :D

Anyhow AZ...Great Story! And some neat stories from the forum folks too ;)

[koku]

how small are these f'n condoms why doesn't anyone ask? does soemon with an avg size(6 inches) have to worry about it?

[co_delphi]

On the she doesn't want to know part...any time she brings up embarrasing things I'd rather my wife not hear about (my wife thinks all those stories are cute...or so she claims...I think she secretly enjoys watching me squirm), I just start describing how I'd played 'Rocky' at the local midnight movie showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show...and she drops it right there. Guess hearing about her son in fishnets in front of a crowded theater just is too much for her :D


I can relate to this...... my Mom, brother and sister in law decided to follow me to Rocky one night and got to watch as I won "fake that orgasm". I have gotten to hear about this ever since whenever it would be most embarrassing as well.

[dillzman]

how small are these f'n condoms why doesn't anyone ask? does soemon with an avg size(6 inches) have to worry about it?

Yeah man, they are pretty small, it is more that they are very very tight. If you had a longish thin penis, then it might be ok. The condoms aren't short, they are just small. If you go to like CondomRev store that sells them one and/or a few in a box. They usually have like buy 6 get six free, and try a few japanese brands like Okamoto and Kimono are pretty common to get here in U.S so if you really want to know, get some. If you have a normal penis it will be tight, if you like it tight, then all good.

Oh and sexologist mostly teach or have an MFT (marriage and family therapy) degree which they can counsel couples, teens, and more of the darker side of sex, like rape, incest, ect.

Dillon

[Kustom]

Japanese condoms suck, they really do... It's ok only if you don't intend to switch positions and move very slowly :eek: . They are super tight (a little short too), and I'd be damned if I don't break one out of three!!!

I don't understand why, every Japanese boasts about how Japanese condoms are the best in the world because they go through so much testing and all. But honestly I'd rather have a box of rubbers "made in North Korea" than use this crap.

[makeitafrappe]

http://image.www.rakuten.co.jp/arune/img10251249096.jpeg

I have to admit.
The cover designs are very cute.
(sorry if the image is big/small)

[stsparky]

Most Japanese condoms are on the tight side. I've split a few getting them on. The Benneton brand being the worse - but the only choice sometimes. I found the lubricated ribs ones in the plastic faux coin packages are American sized though and seemed to reassure my girlfriend at the time. Now that I'm a married soul who was trying to get my wife in a family way - no worries mate!