View Full Version : The obligatory jokes thread.
I was just reaiding my joke book and decided we need a jokes thread. So here we go:
This one is my favourite.
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts. Two weeks later, the artist unveiled a painting of an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake in the centre, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head.
On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of American Indians fornicating. After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the scene was supposed to be.
"You asked for a painting of Custer's last thought", he explained. "That's it... Custer was thinking, 'holy mackeral, look at all those fucking Indians!'".
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Second favourite.
Mickey Mouse is in the divorce court and the judge is explaining to him that he can't grant Mickey a divorce on the grounds that Minnie has buck teeth.
"You don't understand", cried Mickey. "That's not what I meant when I said she was fucking Goofy!".
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Over to you! :D
AUD21
08-25-2005, 04:29 PM
This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
That's lame, AUD. Old, as well. :(
Valerie
08-25-2005, 04:36 PM
A true helpline dialogue in the Customer Support department at WordPerfect
__________________________________________________ ____________
"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well , there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even i! f you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power....... a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?""Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too F***ing stupid to own a computer."
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Computer illiterate people are charming, in a quaint way. :)
ruaidhri
08-25-2005, 05:01 PM
Ok, you want a joke. Here’s one my mother gave me back in about 1959. I had picked up my father’s brother from the airport and we were driving back to my parent’s house. My uncle lived in Texas and he was one of those people that remembered every joke he ever heard. He had the car in stitches from laughing. As he went from joke to joke they started to get dirtier and dirtier. My mother started to get annoyed so she told the joke I’m about to tell now. It shut my uncle up. We all sat in silence for the rest of the trip.
Now, before I tell you the joke remember this was 1959 and we were not used to “R” rated anything.
Many years ago before cars and before phones and electricity a doctor was visiting a young pregnant woman on her farm. Her husband was upset because he was worried if he could get word to the doctor in time to come deliver the baby, their first child.
The farmer said, “Doc, what am I going to do if she starts having the baby and you can’t make it here on time?”
The Doctor said, “Well, you’ve been a farmer all your life. You’ve taken care of horses, cows, pigs and haven’t had any trouble. Humans are animals too. You’ll be OK, just do what you always do.”
Well, of course when the farmer’s wife started to have the baby the doctor failed to arrive on time and the farmer had to deliver the child himself.
When the doctor did arrive he said, “How did everything go? Did you have any problems?”
The farmer stood still, scratched his chin and said, “Well Doc, I did have the darnest time making her eat that afterbirth.”
I never forgot that joke from 1959 and always get a pained expression when I tell it.
Brilliant Rory (fuck it, I can't spell Ruiwhatsit). :D
Marblehead
08-25-2005, 05:15 PM
You all need to see this movie.
http://www.thearistocrats.com/
Marblehead
08-25-2005, 05:19 PM
That's weird, it works for me.
One day Mickey Mouse walks outside after a bad blizzard. After stepping out the door he sees that somebody has written "Mickey Sucks Ass" in the snow with piss. Mickey immediately runs back inside and calls the police. After about 10 minutes the cops arrive and Mickey shows them the spot where its written. The officer takes a sample and tells Mickey that he will try to find out who did such a horrible thing.
A couple days pass by and the same police officer stops by. He has a grim look on his face and Mickey asks "Whats Wrong? Did you find the guy?" to which the cop replies "Yes, we did an analysis and the bad news is, its Goofy's piss......" Mickey turns red and starts screaming about how much he hates goofy. The officer starts talking again "The really bad news is.... Its Minnie's handwriting."
CNagy
08-25-2005, 05:30 PM
You all need to see this movie.
http://www.thearistocrats.com/
And watch America's Favorite Goofy Sitcom Dad become the dirtiest man alive? Lol... I still want to see it, I think I'll go rent it.
StormShadow
08-25-2005, 05:31 PM
This guy goes into a bar every Friday and orders three beers, all at the same time. It's the same routine every Friday. Come in, order 3 beers, drink em, and get out.
One day, the bartenter asks him, "What's up with this? Why not stagger out the beers? Why not drink more? Why not drink less? Why always 3?"
To which the man replies, "I was stationed in Vietnam, and me and my buddies would always have a beer on Friday nights. We promised that we would always have a beer with the others on Friday night. They bought it during Tet, so now I drink their beers for them."
The bartender thought this was reasonable, so the process continued every Friday.
Then suddenly the routine changed, and the beers switched to only two. For about a month this new routine went on, until finally the bartender asked why.
The man replyed "Well, I can't have a beer anymore cause I converted to Mormonism."
Now the site works, Marblehead. That's weird.
cypher3378
08-25-2005, 05:48 PM
How do you know your roomates gay?
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His dick tastes like shit.
Marblehead
08-25-2005, 05:49 PM
And watch America's Favorite Goofy Sitcom Dad become the dirtiest man alive? Lol... I still want to see it, I think I'll go rent it.
Sarah Silverman is best, I fucking love her humour.
How do you know your roomates gay?
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His dick tastes like shit.
.....Dayum.
Mushu
08-25-2005, 05:56 PM
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
Mushu
08-25-2005, 05:59 PM
but one of my absolute favorite.
Love, thy name be beer
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, ‘‘Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!’‘
An Australian, an American, an Irishman and a Chinese were all talking, and they were discussing why their country was teh best.
The Chinese man says "Our country best because we have great wall!"
The Irishman says "Our country is the best because we have the green green grass!"
The American says "Our country is the best because we have the flag" and thumps a fist on his heart.
The Australian says "Mates, our country is the best because we have the kangaroo".
The others all look at him and ask "what the fuck is so good about the kangaroo?"
"Well, fellas", says the Aussie, "our roo can jump over the wall, shit on the grass and wipe its arse on the flag".
:D
Marblehead
08-25-2005, 06:08 PM
and he's real tasty! I loves me some roo meat!
JudoPorkChop
08-25-2005, 06:15 PM
Yikes. No spoiler option.
Since someone mentioned the Great and Mighty Sarah Silverman, the most humpable female comic there ever was I shall now tell you the best joke I ever heard from her, though it very well may offend some of you.
What do you call 16 mexicans, one chinese, and eight black people standing in a line?
A sprinkler.
PM me for the explanation to that...
StormShadow
08-25-2005, 06:29 PM
This is OLD SCHOOL. Old School
President Bush goes to meet with Sadam Hussein in Bagdad. During the course of his visit, Sadam flips a switch and a little button pops out on his desk. Bush thinks this is weird, but whatever, it's Iraq. During the course of their conversation Saddam just hits the button, and Bush feels this electric shock. He's just like WTF and Saddam is laughing his ass off. Later, again, Saddam pushes the button, and Bush's chair flips him out and onto some strategiacally placed dog doo. Again, the same reaction. Finally, Saddam pushes the button a third time, and a giant bag of sand lands on Bushes crotch. Bush leaves and goes back to Washington.
When Saddam comes to Washington, he is, of course, a little nervious being on at the Bush's home court. During the meeting, there is, of course, a big red button on Bushes desk. During the conversation, Bush hits it, and Saddam braces for impact. Nothing. Nothing at all friggin happened. This makes saddam very nervious. A little later, Bush hits it again. Nothing. Saddam is sweatin' bullets. ONe last time, Bush hits that big red button. Saddam, no longer being able to take the pressure of the button that does nothing says, "Um, sorry George, but.. um.. I think i will go back to Bagdad now." to which Bush replies, "Bagdad? What Bagdad?"
tekkan
08-25-2005, 06:46 PM
I dunno get it. Explain please :D
Here is my all time favourite. Maybe old and have diff versions :D
One day an old lady comes into a bank. She is carrying a big brown bag and wants to open an account. The tell says ok, sets things up, and asks how much she would like to deposit into the account.
The old lady says 5 million dollars. The teller is shocked and is says ok, and from which account would you be transfering it from? The old lady says, oh I have it all in cash and shows the teller the brown bag. And just as she said, the brown bag was filled with crisp hundred dollar bills.
The teller tells her that she is going to have to get the manager for handling transactions as big as these. A few minutes later the teller comes back with the CEO of the bank. The CEO tells the lady that he will personally handle her account.
So he takes her to his office and sets everything up. But he becomes curious and asks "Ma'am, if you don't mind me asking. How did you aquire such a large sum of money?"
The old lady replies "I can predict the future."
The CEO laughs and says "No, really."
The old lady says, "Its true. To prove it. I'll bet you one million dollars that tomorrow, your balls will fall off"
The CEO is taken back, but he is confident that his balls will still be attached the next day prompty accepts the bet. They finish their transaction and the old lady leaves.
That night and the following morning, the CEO was constantly looking down his pants, making sure his balls were still in place. And sure enough they were there.
Late in the afternoon, the old lady comes back with a lawyer. The CEO smiles and leads them to his office. He then drops his pants to prove his balls were still there.
The Old lady moves over and feels his right testicle, then his left testicle. And sure enough they were still in tact. She then says, ok you win. Here is your million dollars.
The CEO grins and happily takes his money. He then turns and sees that the lawyer is sobbing. He looks at the old lady and says why is your lawyer crying.
The old lady grins and says "I bet him 10 million dollars that I could get the CEO of the bank to let me play with his balls"
JudoPorkChop
08-25-2005, 06:46 PM
One day, an Army general, Navy admiral, Air Force general, and Marine general are walking around a base discussing the different strengths and weaknesses of the armed forces. Most things are agreed on, but on the area of which branch has more courage.
The Marine general steps in front of the other three and says: "I can prove that Marines have more bravery than anyone!" With that, he takes his hat off, and tosses it square in the middle of a minefield. He sees a passing Marine. "Corporal! Get my hat!" The corporal does so, but gets blown in half, and claws his way back to the general, saluting before he dies.
See? See? That's bravery!
The Army General disagrees. "That's nothing!" They make their way to a live-fire excercise, and the Army General tosses his hat right in the middle of the killzone. "Private! Retrieve my hat!" The private does so, but gets shot, dying at the Army General's feet.
The Admiral smirks. "That's subpar. Watch this. " He tosses his hat into shark infested waters, and turns to a seaman. "SEAMAN! GET MY HAT!" The seaman dives into the water, fighting sharks to get to shore, stabbing one, kicking another, losing his leg and arm, and hops over to the admiral, hat in hand! "That's courage! That's bravery!"
The Air Force General shakes his head. "I have you all beat. Watch." With that, he simply drops his hat on the ground in front of him. An Airman walks by. "AIRMAN! PICK UP MY HAT!"
The airman looks at the General, flips him off, and yells "FUCK OFF, OLD MAN!" before walking away, not saluting the whole time.
All three others are blown away. "Holy SHIT. THAT takes some serious nuts right there."
Hadal_Blues
08-25-2005, 07:49 PM
"SEVEN DAYS!?"
" WHAT!
" AFTER SO MANY SF STUFF TALK ABOUT NOT FUCKING WITH TIME
HERE THEY ARE FUCKING WITH TIME IN EVERY EPISODE!
DON'T YOU GET IT MARTY, YOU CAN'T FUCK WITH TIME!
hehe I find this amusing for some reason
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her handbag, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said 'hey, that's a good idea! What is that you put over your cigarette?'
The other old lady said 'it's a condom.'
'A condom?' said her friend. 'Where do you get those?'
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the chemist.
When the two old ladies arrived in town, the second old lady went into a chemist shop and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms. 'What size you you want?' he asked her.
The old lady thought for a minute and said 'I'd like one that will fit a Camel.'
setrict
08-28-2005, 12:44 AM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Manny
08-28-2005, 12:50 AM
A Rabbi, the Pope, and a Wiccan walk into a bar. The atheist walked AROUND.
Chelsums
08-28-2005, 12:52 AM
My favorite joke:
A vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
A second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender looks at him strangely and asks, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time." :D
AgentOrange
08-28-2005, 05:18 AM
Don't take offense to this one, it's just a joke.
One Sunday afternoon, a black mother is preparing the Sunday lunch and is cooking up a storm. Shes making cakes and fried chicken and all sorts of stuff and flour is going everywhere. Just about that time her son comes in and eventually gets covered in the flour. He tells his momma, "Momma look at me, I'm white!" His mom slaps him on the hand and says, "boy don't you ever talk like that! Go in the living room and tell your daddy what you just told me!"
So the little boy, still covered in flour, goes to the living room where his father is reading the Sunday paper. The little boy walks up to his dad and says, "Daddy look at me, I'm white!" The father kicks the little boy in is ass and sends him flying across the room. "Boy don't you ever talk like that! Go out on the front porch and tell your Granddaddy what you just told me!"
So the little boy goes out to the front porch where his grandfather is sitting in his rocking chair and walks up to him and says, "Grandpa look at me, I'm white!" The grandfather slaps the boy upside his head and says "boy what's wrong with you? Don't you ever talk like that!"
The little boy turns to his grandfather and says, "I haven't been white five minutes and I already hate you niggers."
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