Would you feel threatened?

[co_delphi]

Recently my fiancee has begun questioning me in regards to my computer. She will check my internet logs, things I download, or old files and pictures I keep on my computer with a insecure overtone.

After many years of losing information I have become somewhat of a packrat and have many files and chat logs ranging back up to 10 years. For reasons I have yet to understand she feels the need to scan these and question me about all of them. Now also to help you understand I am not secretive about anything with her. I freely let her know all my passwords and showed her where I keep my porn and all various files.

But still she will out of the blue approach me and ask me what a random thing she found in my internet history is or who a person is in a picture and what relation I have with them in the "not happy" tone. I of course explain everything once again but I have to wonder if this is simply a phase or if this is something I should get used to?

Also on a interesting side note I asked if I should be checking her internet activity as well. She replied that I couldn't (ie she deleted it from the history). The look of horror on her face when I showed her my multitude of file recovery programs and internet tracking programs was most hilarious. This of course was followed up with the question of how she could remove any trace of the files........ not sure how I should react to that one.

[FireWolf238]

emm...that is not quite right. where the hell is the trust that's supposed to go BOTH ways? she is scared of god-knows-what, but why the hell wouldn't she let you check her logs? emm have you had a quality "talk" on that subject? if not i would strongly sugest one, at least so you could learn just what exectaly she is peranoid of in her exect words.

on a side note: where can i find a log showing detailed web traffic and decent file recovery for non-secure downloads?

[Pierrot le Fou]

Do you want an honest answer...?

(well you're getting one anyway)

Don't marry her. For the love of God don't marry her.

You gave her the passwords to your computer and opened up the doors, she still doesn't trust you. Furthermore, she refuses to provide the same amount of trust.

You are resorting to asking us on the internet about this, rather than discussing it with her. Honestly, this should be a no-brainer for the two of you. Either you should delete old files, close the folders, or otherwise prevent her from bringing this stuff up, or she should be content to see everything and hush up about it. This shouldn't be a problem, but it is, and that really doesn't bode well...

Honestly, that's a giant flashing warning sign. Beware.

[Decade]

Guys, guys, you're all totally wrong.

She's an international Jewel thief and paid assassin and needs to cover her tracks. Anybody she meets or can be connected to her needs to have a full background check. If anything's suspicious, it's assasination in the night time :ninja:


Seriously though, there's two things wrong here. One, there's a insecurity and trust issue from her to you. If it hasnt been happening before and she does it now that you're married, I myself would be thinking hardly about maybe this not being such a great idea. However, I dont want to influence that kind of decision on you.

2nd, if she's worried about you checking her history, it's obvious she's hiding something, especially if she's asking how to get rid of her traces. If she's hiding something from you, it's probably NOT a birthday gift (you never know, for all we know it could be a wedding surprise or something). I say judging on how freaked out and insecure she gets will tell you how "bad" it is. In that case, I'd say she has a lot of explaining to do...

[NERD]

Good advices here and there.

[co_delphi]

Do you want an honest answer...?

(well you're getting one anyway)

Don't marry her. For the love of God don't marry her.

You gave her the passwords to your computer and opened up the doors, she still doesn't trust you. Furthermore, she refuses to provide the same amount of trust.

You are resorting to asking us on the internet about this, rather than discussing it with her. Honestly, this should be a no-brainer for the two of you. Either you should delete old files, close the folders, or otherwise prevent her from bringing this stuff up, or she should be content to see everything and hush up about it. This shouldn't be a problem, but it is, and that really doesn't bode well...

Honestly, that's a giant flashing warning sign. Beware.

I could understand it if this was a regular incident but so far it has been pretty much a single experience apart from me having to reassure her that a random instant message from a person referring to me as "babe" was simply a friend of mine. As for why I haven't discussed this in detail with her is because she blindsided me with it yesterday as to the logs and various files. I am mainly curious if anyone else has had a similiar experience.

[Lateli]

Just a thought.

She might be doing something herself. Now possibly looking to see if you've done something too, to pin you, and get away guilt free.

As mentioned before though, there's no trust, and no trust is no good.

[Myrsilus]

True. She might be projecting something she's feeling or doing towards you. She might be trying to alleviate the guilt she may feel.

Of course, this is only a possibility. In any case, the lack of equal trust is disturbing. I'd talk to her and get this sorted out. And to answer your question... Yes, I would feel threatened. And quite pissed.

[LJGroh]

I agree with PLF, that's just no good man. I couldn't even dream of marrying a woman who had no trust in me.

[baffledMONKEY]

From a girl's perspective, i whole heartily agree with the above comments. You need to def. have a chat with your fiancee and find out what's making her feel so ahmm...controlling? There should be trust in a relationship and she's not showing you that at all. Was she like this in the past? Find out what's causing her to act this way towards you. If the issue is not resolved then it will only get worst. I hope everything works out for you.

[FireWolf238]

one more thing, when you do discuss your issue, make sure to bring up life as you lived it before you met if it's aplicable. you saidd you keep logs for up to 10 years, i'm sure that you have done things in various times that you would not do now. after all, you do have people you know from before you met your fiancee. again, assuming that timeline is applicable

[Pierrot le Fou]

One fissure in a marriage is all it takes to send it to hell in a handbasket. Honestly. One thing or not, trust is a big one thing. If it isn't there, the marriage will not survive happily. Seriously think about this. Have a serious discussion. You're talking about the next many years of your life. Don't screw yourself over.

[Idlethought]

All the good points have been made. I mean look at the situation, she comes to you OUT OF NOWHERE demanding to see your logs and whatnot and when you ask for the same in return she acts all shocked and defensive. She's obviously on some shady shit right there.

I'd hate to see a marriage end cause of advice on the internet but PLF is right IMO. For whatever reason she doesnt trust you and she wont allow you to trust her in the same situation. Cut it off d00d

[NERD]

Go and have a nice, long and satisfying talk about it. No drastic measures, but talk it out.

[Pierrot le Fou]

I'm not saying cut it off, I'm saying have a serious discussion and under no circumstance are you to marry her until you sort this shit out for certain and for good. Marriage is forever. This is not a test. There are plenty of fish in the sea if it doesn't work out, but once you get married, it becomes far more of an issue to get back out of the bay. You'll have assets to split, you'll be living together, and God forbid you have kids when it all goes to Hell...

But I am telling you, if you get married with things as they are, shit will hit the fan at some time.

[Angelyne]

Yeah, this is definitely something you need to discuss with her. Simply ask her what's making her feel so insecure. Maybe she feels threatened by your porn collection? Maybe she used to be in a shitty relationship where someone kept hurtful secrets from her? Maybe she had a close friend in that situation and is paranoid that it will happen to her? I don't know, but there has to be some sort of root for all of this insecurity. I don't want to say "dont marry her" like the popular opinion here, but this sounds like something that needs to be resolved before anything serious happens. Having insecurity issues isn't the same as being untrustworthy.

I personally don't have anything to hide from my boyfriend, but I'd still be a bit upset if he ever implied that he would track my internet usage. It's not that I need to hide anything, it's just that I'd be upset over the invasion of privacy.

That said, when we were first going out, there were a few websites I regularly visited that I would have been really embarrassed if he found out I visited them. I didn't tell him or seriously try to hide it, but in retrospect, it probably did seem a little suspicious, even though the websites I looked at were pretty harmless and certainly not detrimental to our relationship. Eventually he found out (and I was embarrassed!), but he wasn't shocked or mad--it was a matter of self-esteem and insecurity that kept me from saying anything. I can't help but wonder if your girlfriend feels the same way as I did.

[Psychochink]

As everybody else has said - where's the trust? Why does she feel the need to go through your files with a fine-toothed comb? Why does she feel the need to hide her own stuff? How long have you two been together, anyway?

I ask that last because I'm thinking perhaps you two aren't really comfortable with each other yet (well, obviously). The woman who is now my fiancee used to be insecure . In a lot of ways she still is, but at least her craziness on the relationship level has mostly gone. You want reactions, you should have seen her when she first found out I was divorced, or that two of my oldest friends were current or ex-strippers. Not pretty.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that marriage should wait until you've been together for a number of years; have survived the loss of passion and insane behaviour; and have had a few dozen knock-down, drag-out fights. If you still love each other, that's when you know if you're marriage material.

[co_delphi]

ok, then next question..... should I actually employ use of the file recovery tools or should I simply leave that can of worms alone and see if things correct themselves?

[FireWolf238]

talk to her first, even if sheis hiding something from you, you are better off finding out about it from her. you should employ whatever tools you can and hopfully you will only come up on things you would already know. if the conversations fails several times, bail. that can of worms will eat your mariage inside out pretty damn fast

[NERD]

If you are gonna use file recovery tools, then do it discreetly. But, you should be willing to admit using it, should you find any incriminating evidences against her. It's also a matter of trust, if you are willing to let things go by itself, or do some sleuthing behind her back.

But that's a bit more drastic measure than letting them be. I'm still in favor for a conversation to diagnose any possible problems and seek any remedies to the situation. Going through her computer should be the last desperate measure.

[FireWolf238]

ok, i think my position on this issue and any verient/complication of it is this:
a couple who is getting married should find it absolutly normal to openly discuss any/all problems. if two people agreed to spend therest of their lifeves together, they should not have many difficulties sorting something out. simply put: no secrets

[co_delphi]

That said, when we were first going out, there were a few websites I regularly visited that I would have been really embarrassed if he found out I visited them. I didn't tell him or seriously try to hide it, but in retrospect, it probably did seem a little suspicious, even though the websites I looked at were pretty harmless and certainly not detrimental to our relationship. Eventually he found out (and I was embarrassed!), but he wasn't shocked or mad--it was a matter of self-esteem and insecurity that kept me from saying anything. I can't help but wonder if your girlfriend feels the same way as I did.

Actually this is kind of what I think it is as well. I think much of the shock displayed on her face was the realization that I could easily find out whatever information I wanted if I wanted. I of course displayed this by pointing out the multiple different ways I could track her if I wanted to, and I can understand how that could make anyone feel uneasy. As for the logistics of the relationship we have been dating a year prior to the engagement and living together for the last 3 months. I don't plan on breaking up with her over something like this but I definately do agree that if this continues there will be some discussions.

[Pierrot le Fou]

...

Danger...danger...danger...

"If it continues..."

This ain't an 'if it continues' sort of issue. This is a 'hurting the relationship now' issue. This is a 'must discuss with great haste' issue. This is a 'potential to end the relationship immediately issue.'

Personally I think the relationship is already sunk.

Insecurity or lack of trust, both to me suggest the same thing. She isn't comfortable that you are going to do the right thing, and so feels the need to police you about it. That is not positive. I discussed this with my girlfriend when we first started getting serious -- I need to be able to do what I want to do without you suspecting the worst. I didn't put it in such a way, but what it basically amounted to was, "I love you, I want to move in with you, but I am not going to give up my entire life for you. I will still go out 'til dawn some nights. I will still go out drinking with friends away from your watchful eyes. And if you aren't okay with that, say it now." She was fine with it, and all is well in the world. She just gets pissed if I don't tell her I'm passed out in a gutter and will regain consciousness at 6am.

Point is she doesn't have confidence in you either because of her lack of trust for you, or her insecurity in herself. And that can sink a relationship right there.

What's worse is that she's hiding stuff from you while sifting through your stuff.

And the clincher? You're actually debating digging the stuff back up so you can do the same to her. Do you really think that'll help anything? That will cement the self-destruction of this relationship from within. I don't know what she's doing, and you don't either, but if you violate her privacy on this one, you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

You have a couple serious choices to make.

You can lock up those files or tell her to get over it, and hope to God that either one of those fixes the issue (I can almost guarantee that the prior one will not work). The latter choice is also unlikely to work in the sense that it won't prevent her insecurity/lack of trust, it will only force her to keep it internalized, which could blow up as well. So unless you can deal with whatever issue she has, you're fucked on that front.

You can either leave her files alone, or you can confront her about it and ask her what she needs to hide. Since you're already discussing sifting through her shit without her knowing (or doing it and telling her afterward), I'm going to guess that you're going to have trouble leaving her files alone, especially since she has access to your stuff. Asking her what she feels the need to hide is probably going to get messy, because clearly she doesn't want you to know, otherwise she wouldn't be asking how to make sure you couldn't find out.

This is an ugly situation, and one you claim to be unwilling to end things over. Well, that's your choice, of course, but you're the one asking for advice. I cannot, in good conscience, recommend that you stay in a relationship in which neither of you has any confidence in the intentions of the other. And that's how it's looking.

This isn't something that is going to magically go away. And you seem to be only willing to address it if it continues as it has been. That's a non-confrontational attitude towards the problem which isn't going to solve anything at all, and will only give the problem more time to fester.

This is on your mind, and it's important enough to ask a bunch of strangers what you should do. How can you be secure in your relationship if you can't even discuss something this basic with your fiancee? There is something SERIOUSLY wrong here, and you need to do something about it now.

This is the type of issue that if left unresolved will end up being something that gets brought up later. That's no good.

[RoxFontaine]

Lose this broad immediately. Save yourself the stress. She can check yours, but you can't check hers!?

LOSE THIS BROAD IMMEDIATELY!

Listen to Pierrot. By the way....

LOSE THIS BROAD IMMEDIATELY!

[Bob]

Recently my fiancee has begun questioning me in regards to my computer. She will check my internet logs, things I download, or old files and pictures I keep on my computer with a insecure overtone.

After many years of losing information I have become somewhat of a packrat and have many files and chat logs ranging back up to 10 years. For reasons I have yet to understand she feels the need to scan these and question me about all of them. Now also to help you understand I am not secretive about anything with her. I freely let her know all my passwords and showed her where I keep my porn and all various files.

But still she will out of the blue approach me and ask me what a random thing she found in my internet history is or who a person is in a picture and what relation I have with them in the "not happy" tone. I of course explain everything once again but I have to wonder if this is simply a phase or if this is something I should get used to?

Also on a interesting side note I asked if I should be checking her internet activity as well. She replied that I couldn't (ie she deleted it from the history). The look of horror on her face when I showed her my multitude of file recovery programs and internet tracking programs was most hilarious. This of course was followed up with the question of how she could remove any trace of the files........ not sure how I should react to that one.

Bitch-smack her

[Angelyne]

I understand the concern that it might just be a phase, but this isn't really a "if it continues" issue; it's something that should be resolved soon. Whatever is bugging her might eventually start manifesting itself in different, more harmful ways--this is why you two should resolve this now before the problem gets even more serious.

That said, don't use the file recovery/internet tracking stuff until you have a very serious reason to start doing so, as it's likely going to cause very bad problems in a relationship. Questionable internet use alone isn't a justifiable reason, IMO, especially if you haven't even tried to resolve this issue yet. Questionable internet use + weird phone calls + meeting with questionable people + [insert any other sign of an affair here], and THEN you have a justifiable reason.

[RoxFontaine]

Man, these type of women project their insecurities onto you and you begin to suffer for it. The relationship suffers. You suffer. She suffers. Unless you LIKE that kind of relationship, you should really have very serious and lengthy conversation about this.

You really don't want to wait around for her insecurities to grow and manifest themselves in even more invasive and possibly harmful ways.

[OliveButtercup]

Just a question. Do you think she resents the amount of time you spend on the computer in general? that might be something for you to look at

[Ante]

a) Dr Phil would say: "If you have nothing to hide you hide nothing". However this doesn't apply to women because we men need to understand them.

b) The a is total crap, and if it wouldn't be, it applies to women as well

c) Maddox would say: "You're total pussy."

c, part 2) Maddox is right.

d) Be a gentleman and hire a private dick to work for HER at least for one year period! Tell her that "Darling, you don't need to waste any more time for digging my stuff, I've hired you a private investigator to do that shit. He (well, it might be she as well, who knows, usually it's he though) will track down all my movements, the sites I surf, the mail I send and recieve, the people I chat with and etc. And that's not all - the detective will follow me everywhere when you're not with me and report directly to you on weekly basis."

d, part 2) Hire a psychic as well and let her (most women are psychics, if you didn't know that, Psycho Mantis was a exception though) read your mind on daily basis because your spouse seems to be incapapbe of doing that

e) What's with that "if this will continue". Are you assuming that suddenly she will stop that fucked up behaviour just like that? Why don't you ask her directly - something like "Why do you are with me if you don't trust me?"

f) Have you betrayed her confidence? Even if you have that doesn't give her any right to do what she's doing. Talk to each other damn it!

g) However you started it - you gave her the passwords and you keep on cringing at the front of her.

Relationship is about love, trust and respect. In your case trust is highly questionable and respect (to private life) is non-existent.

Yeah, and don't get pissed because of me when you have more serious problem at home.

[FOBulous]

If she doesn't trust you now, later on it's only going to get worse.

[Snake eyeS]

I think its a fase, just because she wants to know what your upto, doesnt make her someone who has something to hide aswell, or one that lost trust in you.

My best guess is that she is scared, you are the man who she is going to marry. she doesnt want to buy a cat in the bag, she wants to know some stuff before she marries you..
Hinting that she might also have some skeletons in the closet is suggesting she has something important to hide.
Dont turn this around because that will end up in a fight anyways, who knows whats she wants.. maybe she wants you to show her some more jealousy?(most girls like a certain degree of jealousy) maybe she likes to see your reaction when she questions you about stuff you might be hiding. whatever she wants, it has to be remotely connected to her insecurety(the ALL suffer from it)

Girls act a little bit strange from time to time, she doesnt have anything to hide, she just wants to make sure she isnt making any mistakes. thats my best guess.

And someone said she might go bezerk on you later when your married, that kind of bullshit i'd say, if you dont have anything to hide, nor have any girls on a quickdial for some sweet loving.. you dont have to worry about a thing.. i reckon she hasnt been a freaky jealous bitch in the past.. she sure wont turn into one now. this asking about info is NOT a sign she slowly turning into a crazy lady who doesnt trust you to take out the trash outside without bieng watched by her personal detective.

I wrote this post in a real rush, i have to go now. hope it makes sense, just dont listen to the pessimists here, they are most likely scarred or jealous :)

Spelling errors and weird sentences are my trademark, its my way of saying FU to the illiterate people who cant/wont read it.

[whispering]

I freely let her know all my passwords and showed her where I keep my porn and all various files.
-Listen to PLF.
-Change all your passwords, do not tell them to her, ever. Or to anyone else for that matter. When you hit a dead end, you'll get fucked, never underestimate the crulty of women ;)
-Check the logs, check what she doesnt want you to know.
-Individual accounts, you hold the admin account, since you're the one that doesnt have the trust issue.
-Listen to PLF.
-A mans Porn collection is a sacred thing, never show it to others.

[jingi893]

reality check...my EX-wife used to accuse me of cheating on her...i never gave her reason to think i was because i wasn't...turns out the whole time she was accusing me of cheating on her...well...she had a boyfriend...my advice to you would be not to marry her...and i would bet that she has someone she is "interested" in...maybe he/she's not a boyfriend yet...and the fact that she deletes her history and won't let you check is a BIG RED FLAG...she doesn't trust you because she doesn't trust herself...and that aint' dr. phil oobie-doobie-bullshit...that's war story shit...do yourself a favor...put your recovery software to good use and find out what she's been hiding...then you'll have definite answer...

[Darkblade]

The time has come for you to change your passwords.
If she cant deal with it, thats her own f*ing problem. From what you have described, you have been as open an honest with her as humanly possible, and she is still going psycho. This is a clear sign that she is doing something that she definately shouldnt be and is feeling guilty.

If she asks why she cant check your files anymore, tell her to answer first. She started this, let her finally do some explaining. If she gets upset and begins to throw a bitch fit, tell her to pack up her shit and dont let the door hit her on the ass on the way out.

The last thing anyone needs in their lives is some conniving untrusting ungrateful bitch hovering over your shoulder to see if she can find a reason to leave you without feeling guilty, and even portay you as the bastard that is the "source of all the problems".

and if she goes to the lengths to somehow read these forum posts, I hope she stumbles across this one: You arent fooling anyone.

just dont listen to the pessimists here, they are most likely scarred or jealous :)

and in regards to that, definately not jealous, and not scarred. Just tired of seeing the same thing happen over and over and over and over again to decent people. This is coming from 30 years of experience btw.

and to co_delphi, dont be naive, you will definately regret it in the long run. Everyone comes to a point now and then where they have to reflect and cut their losses.

[Zensouken]

I'm sure there's someone out there who WON'T need to check your internet history to trust you...

[co_delphi]

I have a feeling this might be her trying to instigate a jealous reaction from me. Apparently I am different than most men in that I acknowledge the fact that not all your friends are going to be the same sex as you and that you might still want to spend time with those people. She has been asking a number of questions recently that make me suspect she is still trying to figure me out. She asked me recently why I have not asked her about previous relationships she has had or things she has done. My reply is that whatever she has done is in her past and cannot be changed and that peoples personalities are caused by their experiences. Even if I would not approve of the methods, I like the end results and I am happy with that and do not feel a need to know how she got this way.

[Darkblade]

seems like a tad bit more than a jealousy instigation attempt though. the information in your first post portrays her as having gone to extremes, and qualifying as a grade 2 psycho.

If you REALLY want to make things work out, you need to sit her down and discuss this whole issue with her. Then if everything does go all to hell, no one can accuse you of not having made a sincere attempt to resolve the issue.

[Pierrot le Fou]

One strong piece of advice:

If you do search her history, and find nothing, then you can never ever ever bring it up without her flashing the 'trust' card and how you violated it. If you do find something, she ain't gonna trust you, but she can't act righteously indignant, so you've either got to not bring it up, or just be sure you're willing to end the relationship.

[ruaidhri]

co_delphi
Print this thread and ask her to read your question and all the comments. Then, listen to her response.

I’ve been married for 34 years. My wife and I don’t keep secrets from each other. We have never cheated on each other. We don’t feel any need to distrust each other. That doesn’t mean we always agree. We don’t. That doesn’t mean we don’t argue. We do. All it means is that we don’t hide things from each other.

It’s a fact that many marriages today end in divorce. It’s so common it’s almost expected. That’s sad. I don’t believe anyone should get married unless and until they are totally secure in their relationship. You say you are but your question suggests otherwise. Also, regardless of her reason, her obsessive checking up on you and believing the worst does not bode well for the longevity of any future marriage. It also suggests that marriage will not change her need to constantly police your actions. That would not make for a happy marriage or life.

My suggestion? Let her read this thread in its entirety. If she really wants to keep you as her fiancé suggest she write an answer and post it to this thread. Your problem is already public. Asking her to write her own response would force her to find logic in her actions. Asking her to post them would show that she’s serious about keeping you. Remember, marriage is a two way street, you get her but she also gets you. If she doesn’t value you enough to fight to keep you then you shouldn’t be getting married.

[Pierrot le Fou]

And in addition to all the wonderful reasons that ruaidhri stated, it also means that we get to see what she thinks in her own words, and we can get a better feel for what she's thinking.

[Crowley]

You should really attempt to work in a rocket-based option.

[paul]

Just talk to her. I seriously would not consider marrying someone who I can't ask a simple "why" to.
Quite often your analysis of the situation is completely different from what it is from the other person's perspective. I've gone and thought I could figure it out all by myself and screwed myself over more than once.

[delen]

i don't see how someone could be enganged to someone with clearly no trust in them

if you marry someone like that... all I can say is good luck, cause it sounds like a world of pain

[OliveButtercup]

co_delphi
Print this thread and ask her to read your question and all the comments. Then, listen to her response.

I’ve been married for 34 years. My wife and I don’t keep secrets from each other. We have never cheated on each other. We don’t feel any need to distrust each other. That doesn’t mean we always agree. We don’t. That doesn’t mean we don’t argue. We do. All it means is that we don’t hide things from each other.

It’s a fact that many marriages today end in divorce. It’s so common it’s almost expected. That’s sad. I don’t believe anyone should get married unless and until they are totally secure in their relationship. You say you are but your question suggests otherwise. Also, regardless of her reason, her obsessive checking up on you and believing the worst does not bode well for the longevity of any future marriage. It also suggests that marriage will not change her need to constantly police your actions. That would not make for a happy marriage or life.

My suggestion? Let her read this thread in its entirety. If she really wants to keep you as her fiancé suggest she write an answer and post it to this thread. Your problem is already public. Asking her to write her own response would force her to find logic in her actions. Asking her to post them would show that she’s serious about keeping you. Remember, marriage is a two way street, you get her but she also gets you. If she doesn’t value you enough to fight to keep you then you shouldn’t be getting married.

co_ Delphi If you don't take anyone else's advice please take ruaidri's.

[Overkongen]

In my country, we have saying: "He who is a thief, thinks that all men steal"

I applaud the fact that you don't consider her past important. Thing is, her constant checking up on you, well, either it's because she had a dirty, and very interesting past, which is okay, or because she's doing something she shouldn't, right now.

Seriously, me and my girl, we are thinking about moving in together, and none of us have gone through the other persons log. If she asked me, I would allow it, and I'm pretty damn sure she'd allow me as well. She sometimes writes a bit with her ex, which she told me herself, but, well, seeing how she told me, I don't think a whole lot of wrong is happening there. So, like the others said, trust trust trust. If she's hiding something from you, she's hiding something from you.

[mawande]

Or she could think he's too good to be true.

Since the first man I fell in love with was abusive, I spent most of the early relationship with my next sweetheart watching him for signs of violence towards me or towards my child. That never happened, but I was always afraid at first, and ready to lash out.

[Bagpuss]

You definety need to talk to her - whether you decide to stay together or not.
But pick a good time to do it. I know from experience that men and women communicate differently when talking about relationships. Men tend to say 'you did this and it upset me because...' whereas women tend to say 'what you did (not specifying what) was the most horrible thing ever...'. Don't take it personally, she probably doesn't actually mean the most horrible thing ever. And give her time, if you think in emotions it can take a while to work out what your original motivation was.

But anyway, talk it through. While the freaky behaviour does all seem to be on her side it is likely that you both have unwittingly contributed to the situation.

[ShadowDeth]

I have a feeling this might be her trying to instigate a jealous reaction from me. Apparently I am different than most men in that I acknowledge the fact that not all your friends are going to be the same sex as you and that you might still want to spend time with those people. She has been asking a number of questions recently that make me suspect she is still trying to figure me out. She asked me recently why I have not asked her about previous relationships she has had or things she has done. My reply is that whatever she has done is in her past and cannot be changed and that peoples personalities are caused by their experiences. Even if I would not approve of the methods, I like the end results and I am happy with that and do not feel a need to know how she got this way.

Delphi, I don't say this to a lot of people but I really dig your style. You are very relaxed and calm at all times it seems. You don't need bullshit like this.

You seem to be on something with a few points you brought up.

1) She cannot figure out why you wouldn't grill her about her previous relationships.
2) That you could trace her activity, and it scares her.
3) You're ok with the fact she has male friends.

To me, an outsider with very little of the whole picture, it sounds to me like she believes you are doing something wrong and is trying to figure out what. Or that she is in fact doing something wrong (Which is what I believe based on her actions) and she is trying to project the blame onto you. mawande brings up the best point, and it's exactly what I was thinking. She has some emotional baggage and is confused at your seemingly honest behavior.

In any event, my humble opinion is that you don't necessarily need someone like this in your life and you would probably be happier with out her. But those are just my thoughts.

[fa11en87]

Ugh, something like this would happen to me in my previous relationship and my goodness I hated it so much!!! I wont stand for shit like that anymore. If you're fine with it that's great, but you definitely need to straighten out the trust issue.

[Livre]

I think she's worried about you being involved in a relationship other than her, or deviant porn practices. My boyfriend is a heavy gamer/computer user, and I know he keeps a stack of porn on his computer. However, our conversation about it went like this

Me: I know I can't stop you from looking at porn, but please, no kids or something that involves hurting someone else
Him: That's it?
Me: Yes
Him: I love you

But seriously, sit her down in a coffee shop, or something of the like, and talk about how her behaviour concerns you. But don't accuse her, because a girl like that will pull some crazy shit if that happens. And if she pulls some crazy shit like that anyways, she's not worth it. She needs to learn to trust you.

[co_delphi]

The basic version of this answer (because going into detail with complete strangers about personal subjects is never appreciated) is a culmination of insecurity about her appearance, prior relationships, and watching too many crappy television shows (most notably anything on the E! network and the TV show Cheaters - which seem to propogate the idea that everyone is capable of cheating).

Everything seems to have been quelled and I am happy with that. As to if anything may happen in the future I can't guarentee that but I'm also not going to hold a grudge or instigate anything.

[Firebaall]

ok, then next question..... should I actually employ use of the file recovery tools or should I simply leave that can of worms alone and see if things correct themselves?


lol,

Are you sure that you're not half ostrich? Seriously, you both have the same method of dealing with problems.

http://waltonfeed.com/pic/ostrich.gif

Stop asking for advice on the internet, and go talk with her man!