College Essays... help needed....

[Zaysho]

Well, after my first week of school, I've think I've made a decision of what my senior year will basically be like... bit of a pain in the ass, but I think I can handle it. But that's not the point of this thread.

Well, my English teacher has assigned my class to do a college essay. From what I gather, you basically have to talk about yourself and your aspirations and that kind of thing. There's one problem, I don't know how to get started or how I should write it. My teacher did give me a suggestion to talk about how I use art to express myself, but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not much of a writer and I cannot, by any means, talk about myself. I dunno why I find this so difficult, it just is I guess. I figured since most of you are in or have gone to college maybe some of you could give me an idea or two to get me started. I'd appreciate any help I can get. Thanks to anyone in advance.

BTW, if it helps any. here's the intro I used:

"I am of the quiet sort; I never call out and I never speak up. I’m not a joiner; clubs aren’t for me. Just what am I? I am an artist. Actually, I’m more of an aspiring artist, but that’s beside the point. All I’m saying is that one does not need a voice to express one’s self. Some people do this via writing, some use music, and then there are those that express themselves visually. I am the latter."

Again, thanks. And, sorry that this is a sort of a stupid request.

[koku]

i like the intro. I'm not going to have much advice jus soem ramblings but mabye they will help. Alot of the times, the hard part of writing is the pressure to "is it good enough"

some of the best stuff i've wrote where the second copies of a paper with the same prompt that I woudlnt turn in(sometimes we had to do 2 different versions of the same prompt). I think you should just go wriet ethings. you can always edit and such.

You could always do the ol' think of a few ideas that support your opening thesis/paragraph and turn each of those statements into a paragraph of their own.
Talk about why you chose art. I think since you talked aobut the many different ways people express themselves, it would be nice to see why "you are the latter." Mabye an experience of you trying the other ones and failing?

I think, if you're well spoken even on the inside, just writing things out helps. Just structure it and move things around and make it look pretty later. Also know that if you pressure yourself to come up with perfect papers it will only make things harder to start.

ah all right. my frist day is tommroow, hopefully it goes better than yours :P.

[Pierrot le Fou]

Sounds exceedingly negative about yourself, and sounds like you won't be a productive member of the college environment. I would recommend focusing on the positive. A quick 1-page essay for you:

As my parents always told me when someone pissed them off, “It takes all kinds…” I know that they made it in a negative way, but my parents thinking something is bad never stopped me from considering it anyway. Throughout High School there have been countless clubs, countless sports, countless activities that I haven’t been interested in.

It takes all kinds.

I happen to be one of the kids who fosters learning outside of organized activities. I can be as content sitting under a tree watching a baseball game with a charcoal pencil in hand as the people playing it are. I can enjoy sketching a drawing while listening to the math team practice without feeling that I am at a loss for not bettering my critical thinking skills.

That individual ambitious spirit is one of the many kinds it takes for a well-rounded education. Social skills can be fostered through group activities or regular social interaction, whereas I feel that working by myself on something I believe in manages to bring out the parts of me that I like best.

To sit alone and to be able to create something that the world has never seen is important to me. It scratches the itch inside me for exploration, creation, and discovery. It’s a manner for me to express myself in the way I feel most eloquent. While I may not be able to win a debate with a member of the debate team, I don’t feel as if that’s a shortcoming. After all, debates bore some people who may enjoy their first smile of the day because of one of my illustrations, or even just a doodle in the margins of my AP Calculus notebook.

It takes all kinds, after all.

Point is that it illustrates tolerance, self-confidence, and enjoyment of personal accomplishment. It shows a sense of motivation and self-discipline as well. And it doesn't make you seem like a kid afraid of the world who drowns himself in his notebook.

For obvious reasons (the first and foremost being you probably don't like it), you cannot use the essay I just wrote for your college admissions. And obviously I don't know you or what you're actually like in person. But I strongly recommend that you write a solidly positive essay about yourself and your passions without making it seem like you're an anti-social sociopath.

Best o' luck.

[Zaysho]

Sounds exceedingly negative about yourself, and sounds like you won't be a productive member of the college environment. I would recommend focusing on the positive. A quick 1-page essay for you:

As my parents always told me when someone pissed them off, “It takes all kinds…” I know that they made it in a negative way, but my parents thinking something is bad never stopped me from considering it anyway. Throughout High School there have been countless clubs, countless sports, countless activities that I haven’t been interested in.

It takes all kinds.

I happen to be one of the kids who fosters learning outside of organized activities. I can be as content sitting under a tree watching a baseball game with a charcoal pencil in hand as the people playing it are. I can enjoy sketching a drawing while listening to the math team practice without feeling that I am at a loss for not bettering my critical thinking skills.

That individual ambitious spirit is one of the many kinds it takes for a well-rounded education. Social skills can be fostered through group activities or regular social interaction, whereas I feel that working by myself on something I believe in manages to bring out the parts of me that I like best.

To sit alone and to be able to create something that the world has never seen is important to me. It scratches the itch inside me for exploration, creation, and discovery. It’s a manner for me to express myself in the way I feel most eloquent. While I may not be able to win a debate with a member of the debate team, I don’t feel as if that’s a shortcoming. After all, debates bore some people who may enjoy their first smile of the day because of one of my illustrations, or even just a doodle in the margins of my AP Calculus notebook.

It takes all kinds, after all.

Point is that it illustrates tolerance, self-confidence, and enjoyment of personal accomplishment. It shows a sense of motivation and self-discipline as well. And it doesn't make you seem like a kid afraid of the world who drowns himself in his notebook.

For obvious reasons (the first and foremost being you probably don't like it), you cannot use the essay I just wrote for your college admissions. And obviously I don't know you or what you're actually like in person. But I strongly recommend that you write a solidly positive essay about yourself and your passions without making it seem like you're an anti-social sociopath.

Best o' luck.


Thanks. And obviously I have no intention of using your essay. I wasn't asking anyone to write one for me, but that does give me a place to start. I really appreciate the help Pierrot.

And Kokujin, your advice has been some help. It's not so much that I'm worried about it being perfect, it's more that I just needed a place to start. Maybe I'm just worrying about it too much... but this is a graded assignment in my English class, so I gotta at least turn up with something. Again, thanks guys.

[General_Admission]

^ PLF, you are an aweomse writer.

[Pierrot le Fou]

Just so you know, that essay was total shit, with several typos and mis-used words (I mucked up the clause with 'fosters' and wrote 'made' where I meant 'meant'), but thanks for the compliment anyhow.

The point Zaysho, is confidence, self-promotion, and passion. Tell them why you're an asset to their college, and why you'll make something of yourself. If it's because you're driven to success, then that's good enough, eh?

[Myrsilus]

... hm... All I can say is to just be confident, but that was already posted. Sometimes you don't have to decorate the essay with fancy words, just make sure you let the reader know you are serious. Draw the reader in and snag them.

And Pierrot, I like how you do not follow the 5-paragraph essay format. I see that too many times and it really is unnecessary to stick to such things. Maybe it's different for you all, but where I live I see it all the time. Yeah there are a few mistakes, but overall a good paper.

[Pierrot le Fou]

Actually, I used the 5-paragraph format almost exclusively throughout college. Here is a long example, and really can be outlined almost perfectly using that format. (forgive spacing issues)

- I think ABC.
- I think A because.
- I think B because.
- I think C because.
- Therefore ABC.

REVELATION IN COMPARISON TO JEWISH APOCALYPTIC TEXTS

Apocalyptic literature in general shares many themes. Most have talk of mythical beasts, discussion on some sort of a judgement, and on a kingdom of peace that follows the apocalypse. The book of Revelation is no different.

Whereas Christianity is commonly considered to be a religion full of revolutionary ideas, it tends to borrow a lot from previous ideas circulating throughout the Jewish community. Examples of borrowed ideas come from the book of Daniel, II Esdras, and the book of Enoch.
The similarities between the books go beyond simple literary comparisons. Literary comparisons can be signed off to shared tradition, whereas conceptual differences are what make Christianity distinct from Judaism. Through seeing many of these comparisons, it is possible to see that Christianity is not necessarily a wholly different religion from Judaism, but rather one that focuses on different aspects of the tradition, and expands them.


In fact, a Jew most likely wrote the book of Revelation. The Greek used in the book of Revelation contains many Hebrew idioms, and lacks the developed Greek used for the Septuagint. It is considered a Hebraic text. Many Greek participles are excluded, and many idioms used in Hebrew seem to be directly translated into the book, implying that the writer was not a native Greek speaker.


The use of Hebrew phrases and expressions in the book implies a Jewish writer. Since Hebrew was the language of the Jewish religion, with Aramaic used as a conversational supplement, there is little doubt that someone who used Hebrew as his or her primary language was not Jewish. The author was most likely a convert to Christianity from Judaism towards the end of the first century. The implication of an author who was raised Jewish implies a knowledge of Jewish texts, from which ideas may be subconsciously inserted into the book of Revelation.


Evidence of this can be seen in the similarity in certain thematic elements of the book. For instance, as is the case in II Esdras and Daniel, an angel interprets the apocalypse for the figure having the vision. In addition, the use of mythical beasts is seen in Enoch and II Esdras, as well as Daniel. The book additionally features the righteous fighting against some sort of oppressive power, much as many Jewish texts do. Those similarities immediately show that there is a relation between Revelation and those Jewish texts.

After this I saw in the visions by night a fourth beast, terrifying and exceedingly strong. It had great iron teeth and was devouring, breaking in pieces, and stamping what was left with its feet. It was different from all the beasts that preceded it, and it had ten horns.
- Daniel 7.7

The vision of mythical beasts first appears in the Hebrew Bible in Daniel. Four beasts appear to Daniel, appearing from the sea one after another. When this passage is paralleled to the dragon of Revelation 12, one can see the similarities between the use of beasts. Both are highly descriptive, multi-horned beasts of mythical caliber. The key difference to note is that in the evolution of this concept from Daniel to Revelation is that instead of having a beast composed of many different animals’ aspects, Revelation speaks of a dragon in addition to a specific mix of beasts.


To see the evolution from the mythical mixed beasts of Daniel to the dragon of Revelation, there are intermediate steps. In Enoch and II Esdras, there is no mention of a great mythical beast that rises from the sea, or of dragons, etc. However, there is mention in both books of Leviathan and Behemoth, two monsters that inhabit the land and the water whose actions are unclear. In this facet it is apparent that II Esdras draws upon Enoch in this passage.


In order to understand the links between the beasts of Daniel, Leviathan and Behemoth, and the dragon of Revelation, it is important to look at Isaiah 27:

On that day the Lord with his cruel and great and strong sword will punish Leviathan the fleeing serpent, Leviathan the twisting serpent, and he will kill the dragon that is in the sea.
- Isaiah 27.1

As is apparent from this text, Leviathan represents a dragon according to Isaiah, and therefore it can follow that Enoch and II Esdras drew on that impression of Leviathan as a dragon. In the Septuagint, Leviathan is usually translated into Greek as drakon.

And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, having ten horns and seven heads, and on its horns were ten diadems, and on its heads were blasphemous names. And the beast that I saw was like a leopard, its feet were like a bear’s, and its mouth was like a lion’s mouth.
- Revelation 13.1-2

A beast, as the beasts in Daniel, rises out of the sea. The imagery of a beast from the sea, albeit the four beasts from Daniel 7, or the Leviathan from Enoch 60 and II Esdras 6.52, is shared in Revelation. It is safe to conclude that Revelation borrowed on Daniel, Enoch, or II Esdras in respect to the beasts of St. John’s vision.


Needless to say, the Son of Man, or the Messiah, or any of the other plethora of names by which He who is the Alpha and the Omega is called, is a major part of the book of Revelation. He plays a major role in the Christian apocalypse, but his appearance comes well before, and Revelation draws upon that tradition.


In fact, the messianic figure of sorts present in Daniel is heralded by the words “one like the Son of Man” coming with the clouds of heaven in Daniel 7.13. In Revelation 14.14 a figure seated on a cloud with a golden crown that is “one like the Son of Man” as well. The parallel between the two verses is almost identical in imagery (the crown, the cloud, the Son of Man), and uses the same terminology in reference: one like the Son of Man.


In Daniel, the one like the Son of Man is presented with dominion, glory, and kingship to all people, all nations, and all languages for all eternity. The Ancient One gives all these responsibilities to him. If the Ancient One is God, and the one like the Son of Man is Jesus, the same parallel exists in Revelation.


“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” proclaims the Lord God in Revelation 1.8. At the end of Revelation, 22.13, Jesus proclaims, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” The relationship between God and the one like the Son of Man seems to be one of inheritance for the Son. Jesus at the end of the book speaks the proclamation equating God with everything, the first and the last. The transfer of power is a theme in both books.

And the Elect One shall in those days sit on My throne, and his mouth shall pour forth all the secrets of wisdom and counsel: for the Lord of Spirits hath given them to him and hath glorified him.
- Enoch 51.3

Enoch spells out the relationship even more closely. The Elect One, who is clearly distinct from the Lord of Spirits, will inherit the throne of the Lord. This shares with Daniel and Revelation the image of the throne, as well as a clear statement of inheritance of the duties of the Lord of Spirits.


II Esdras brings in a new angle on the Messiah in 7.28. “My son the Messiah” says God through the Angel speaking to Ezra. The New Testament belief of the Messiah being the Son of God is present in II Esdras, a pre-Christian text. The Messiah in II Esdras will also bring 400 years of happiness to all those who survive the judgement. After those 400 years, the Messiah will die. This sets the stage for the death of a messianic figure that is the Son of God throughout the New Testament, and is implied knowledge in Revelation.


Therefore, the Messianic tradition can be traced as evolving from a chosen one of sorts to the Son of God who will die after a reign of peace. Revelation mimics II Esdras’ reference to the Messiah as the Son of God, as well as borrows the eventual death. It also follows the theme of the three Jewish texts of some sort of elect being, chosen by God, inheriting God’s duties in managing the affairs of the world.


Another of the recurring themes in apocalyptic literature is that of judgement. Daniel creates the image of the Lord judging all according to the names in a book. However, in opposition to the idea of unilateral judgement by God, Daniel suggests a court of judges in 7.10. The development of the book spoken of in Revelation 20.12 can be seen to have roots in Daniel.


II Esdras contains the same imagery of a book. According to Coggins and Knibb, there was an intertestamental Jewish belief that the deeds, both good and evil, of men were recorded in books to be opened at judgement. In II Esdras 6.20, the book imagery abides to that hypothesis in saying, “the books shall be opened in the sight of heaven, and all shall see them at the same moment.”


Therefore the common theme of judgement by God during the apocalypse through a book exists in Daniel, II Esdras, and Revelation. Enoch does not seem to use the imagery of a book, while it does discuss a council judging during the apocalypse, simply without the aid of a book.


Another concept requiring analysis is that of the kingdom established after the apocalypse. The evolution from the Jewish texts to Revelation is significant considering the limited talk of the post-apocalyptic world in Daniel.


Daniel simply states that “the holy ones of the Most High shall receive the kingdom and possess the kingdom forever”(Daniel 7.18). There is no real discussion concerning the details of this kingdom, but rather just a general discussion of a kingdom for the Holy.


Enoch brings much more detail to the concept of a new Kingdom. The kingdom is seen as one of fertility and immortality for the righteous in Enoch 10.16-11.2. The concept of a time of immense peace becomes quite apparent in 11.2 which states that “truth and peace shall be associated together throughout all the days of the world and throughout all the generations of men.”

It is for you that paradise is opened, the tree of life is planted, the age to come is prepared, plenty is provided, a city is built, rest is appointed goodness is established and wisdom perfected beforehand. The root of evil is sealed up from you, illness is banished from you, and death is hidden; Hades has fled and corruption has been forgotten; sorrows have passed away, and in the end the treasure of immortality is made manifest.
- II Esdras 8.52-54

II Esdras refines those ideas of Daniel and Enoch to produce many of the concepts used in Revelation. Instead of just a kingdom, the concept of the coming age is refined to mean a city, much like the New Jerusalem of Revelation 21.2.

And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them as their God; they will be his peoples and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first [Earth and Heaven] have passed away.
- Revelation 21.2-4

This passage mimics the theme of peace apparent in Enoch and Esdras, as well as drawing on the concepts of immortality in those two books. In addition, the II Esdras and Revelation passages both suggest a perfected kingdom – II Esdras through saying it was perfected beforehand, and Revelation through implication. If the New Jerusalem descends from the Heavens, and is the home of God, then its perfection is assumed. The lack of sorrow is a theme in both books as well, creating an abundance of parallels between the two.


The concept of a divine kingdom or city evolves from the plain eternal kingdom of Daniel, to the descriptive holy city of New Jerusalem. Truth and peace through the banishment of evil, lack of sorrow and immortality reign in this perfected kingdom. The perfection of the kingdom mimics the perfection of the idea of a divine kingdom throughout the books.


Much of the New Testament and Revelation in general, deal with issues brought up in earlier Jewish texts, both canonical and apocryphal, or even totally separate from the canon altogether.


The dragon and beast in Revelation draw upon the traditions in Daniel, II Esdras, and the book of Enoch in the themes of mixed animal characteristics, and beasts from the sea.


The messianic figure in all texts inherits power from the Lord in order to rule over the people peacefully for a period of time. In II Esdras, the figure is shown to not only be the Son of God, but also to be doomed to death from the start.


The central theme of judgement in the context of a book specifically in Revelation originated in the pages of Daniel, and continued through intertestamental apocalyptic Jewish literature such as II Esdras.


Therefore much of the heaven imagery presented in society about Saint Peter and a book of good and evil deeds has been refined from the concepts of a divine council and God recording the deeds of man in preparation for the end time.


The divine city of Revelation 21 is also foreshadowed throughout the Jewish texts. The presence of such overwhelming similarities suggests an inherent knowledge, perhaps subconscious, of the Jewish texts. The ideas brought forth in Revelation in this case are simply the refined versions of all the divine kingdoms predicted before.


All of these overlaps and similarities can be traced back to the author of Revelation. Since his Greek was distinctly Hebrew syntactically, it is quite possible that the Jewish literature on which the author was raised influenced his or her mindset in writing the Christian apocalypse.


From the beasts and dragon of Revelation to the Messianic figure and the kingdom and peace that he brings are foreshadowed through the Jewish texts. The instigation, the messiah, the inheritance of the kingdom, and the judgement are shared with the Jewish apocalyptic tradition. Even the resulting Messianic kingdom borrows ideas from past Jewish texts.

Assumptions about Christianity and Jesus and the apocalypse abound, with an almost universal assumption of uniqueness through the messianic figure of Jesus. That assumption, as with much imagery commonly related to heaven and judgement are borrowed from earlier Jewish texts. Even Christianity is not safe from the similarities in Biblical apocalyptic texts.


Despite all the similarities, the evolution of those ideas is what distinguishes Christianity from Judaism. The study of the similarities can bring a greater understanding of the text, and the ideas therein. With a text as complex as Revelation, any additional information is helpful.

[Myrsilus]

Oh I see what you mean. But what I meant was the aesthetics of a 5-paragraph format essay. I am the same way as I use the format to arrange an essay, but I start new paragraphs to illustrate a strong point... or a simple transition.

Some people can't really do that, but it's understandable since many schools advocate the use of the 5-paragraph format that the students never learn how to arrange a paper any other way. I had to learn from an ex-college professor at my high school how to get out of that habit.

It should only be used as a type of exercise in arranging ideas, since it does it really well. But spacing it out more helps the reader feel more relaxed and generally helps key points become more apparent.

Ou, my ranting... Anyway, another good essay. I am partial to religious essays, though. :D

[Pierrot le Fou]

I did religion and political science. A good portion of my 4 years of college was spent writing papers. I could pound out a 5 page paper in around an hour when I was a senior because I had so much background in the things I was talking about that I could pretty-much think of what I wanted to say beforehand, and then fill in the gaps as I typed.

Personally I think that the 5-paragraph essay is an incredible way to organize thoughts and create clear concise arguments for papers for an academic course. However, when it comes to things that people are actually going to read and care about, I like to mix it up a bit. And I disagree with tossing in big words for the sake of tossing in big words -- express what you want to say as eloquently as possible, but don't feel forced to use a thesaurus if you can express yourself with simple words. Sometimes simple and direct is far more powerful than even the most verbose prose.

How does one get a job as a speechwriter anyway?

[Psychochink]

What for the love of Jeff is the 5-paragraph format?

[Mr.Babalo]

What for the love of Jeff is the 5-paragraph format?

in a nut shell:

1st para- introduction, state your thesis and your 3 arguments supporting it

2nd-4th paragraph- body paragaph, each talks about 1 of the arguments

5th- conclusion, restate your introduction and slap on some final thoughts.

I was taught this in grade 10 or was it 9?

[Myrsilus]

It's when you write an essay in 5 paragraphs... Basically it. Like Intro, Body consisting of 3 paragraphs that support your claim, and then conclusion. It's what most schools teach their students as it is great for organizing ideas.

I mix it up as well. I rarely ever go back to only 5 paragraphs. I like to put the occasional new paragraph to pull the reader in. I know when I read long papers that consists of huge paragraphs I tend to get bored easily. Maybe just tricking my mind, but it works.

And throwing in big words to impress people is a no no. I have a pretty good vocabulary that gets better when I am serious with a paper, but I never try to impress people with that. It's all about how clear and interesting your point has been expressed.

Speechwriter? How about a lobbyist? They're pretty much that.

[lissybee]

Hmm, I have to agree with you Zaysho, it is difficult to talk about yourself in your own paper. In college I always avoided paper topics that had to with myself, even though they're supposed to be the easier ones.

Anyhow, I pretty much agree with everyone's suggestions about your intro. The first sentence did seem negative, but yet it does reveal you in sense. I loved how you proclaimed that you are an artist. It just seemed so assertive and strong. Some of the best personal essays I've read focused on one specific situation in their life that was like a turning point for them. Perhaps you can focus on something memorable that made you decide to become an artist.

[akitaka]

That's only if you over-commit, and give reclusive info, rather than just speak as you normally would. If the tone isn't natural when you talk about yourself in paper, then it needs some revising. At least my English teachers in 101 and 102 said this; after an assignment or two I managed to kick the habit, and writing became much less of a chore.
I'm sure that the negativity was more in the feel; when I went through, it felt like much thinking was done to contruct it, as opposed to Pierrot's. Read them aloud; you'll tell which one comes out easier. However it's up to you.

[truce]

Zaysho, the intro you wrote presents what you feel are your positives and negatives, which is a being a little too honest. you need to write in a way that sells yourself, which means showing not only your positives, but how you overcome your negatives. Pierrot's example is really good, because you have to realize that a living breathing person is going to be reading hundreds of these essays, with yours among it. you're going to need a strong intro that catches the attention of the reader. you can use an experience you've had that tells something about you and sets you apart from other applicants.. it makes the essay feel more personal. good luck, dude.

[Kragar]

It's funny, but one of the ways you can think about this is whether what you say would work on a date. Is it the right combination of gutsy and humble to be considered charming? Is the the right combination of honesty and spin to be interesting and still believable? Do you try to show your limits, or do your show the direction where your limits might be?

If you get down and act too humble, it's like you've reached the outer limit of your personality. It's like they can read your essay and know everything there is to know about you. That's not going to get you a second date.

If you start off by saying, "I'm me, and that's the best thing there is," you give them a shooting star to look at. If they see the light, they won't mind the shadows later on. And it's not lying either, because you don't want to live your life any other way, do you?

I mean, look:
"I am of the quiet sort; I never call out and I never speak up. I’m not a joiner; clubs aren’t for me. Just what am I? I am an artist. Actually, I’m more of an aspiring artist, but that’s beside the point. All I’m saying is that one does not need a voice to express one’s self. Some people do this via writing, some use music, and then there are those that express themselves visually. I am the latter."

You start off by saying what you aren't. Why? Skip a couple of sentences and start with:

"Just what am I? I'm an artist. I'm of the quiet sort; I never call out and I never speak up. One does not need a voice to express one’s self. Some people do this via writing, some use music, and then there are those that express themselves visually. I am the latter. I'm not a joiner. Clubs aren't for me. I am an artist."

I'd actually make it more active, like so:

"Just what am I? I'm the quiet sort. I discovered that I didn't need my voice to express myself, and that it sometimes got in the way. I express myself visually, using pictures the way writers use words and musicians use music. I am an artist. I don't call out and I never speak up. I let my picture pictures speak for me."

[Monkey]

I remember when I wrote my Uni application all the advice I was given. One of the more important to remember is to actually consider what the person who is going to have to read it is thinking. My statement was one of hundreds possibly thousands that they had read. Therefore they are looking for your essay to stand out from the very first sentence, otherwise they will be bored by the time they get to the interesting stuff about yourself.

A bit of self-deprecation might work well but definately do not have it at the beginning. They will probably respect your honesty but don't (appear to) be too hard on yourself, it might show that you lack confidence. Whilst they may see past the negativeness, bear in mind that your essay might be the 300th one they've read so don't bother risking it.

One last point is to try and rephrase your bad points as good ones. This is very important, professional CV writers use it a lot in their work.

eg. Past Jobs: working in McDonalds
You have to put a good spin on it so you say that your time at McDonalds taught you how to work with a team in a friendly atmosphere. The challenges of working at peak time has enabled you to work better under pressure.

It doesn't matter whether it sounds like complete bullshit, it's just that you are trying find a new shine on a particular point :D


So Instead of saying

"I never call out and I never speak up" becomes...

"I prefer to keep my opinions to myself"

"I'm not a joiner; clubs aren't for me." becomes...

"I'm very selective about clubs that I join".

This gives a better impression, it includes your previous statment about not joining clubs whilst putting the whole phrase in a more positive light.

[ellie]

Whatever you write, make sure you stand out. The people who read college admission essays read dozens or even hundreds of them. You want yours to be the one that they really remember. You want them to go home and say to their husbands and wives, "You know what, I read a really creative/interesting/heartbreaking/amusing/etc essay today!" When I applied to college, I had to write 2 essays. The prompt for one was, "If you were President for one day, what one law or act would you enact for the day?" and "If you wrote an autobiography, what would you title it?" and then explain why for both. I really believe that my essays are what got me into UNC. One of my good friends had a very similar SAT score, GPA, and extracurricular activities, but I was accepted and she wasn't. I made my essays as creative as I could, and I think that helped me more than anything else that I did. Good luck!

[Zaysho]

Well, just so you all know, I've turned in my essay to my teacher today. I think I'll do alright, but you never know. Whatever I get, it'll help me get me better at essays. Anyway, thanks everyone for your help!

[MFDub]

One final piece of info, when you actually get to college apps, odds are colleges are going to ask you specific questions. They won't be simply "What are you like?"

You'll get "What was an important event in your life?" "Who would you call your hero?" and sometimes really ridiculous things like "Describe yourself using an object." Not to mention the standard "Why do you want to come to [whatever college]?"

The thing is, do what PLF did above for each of these questions, but make sure to answer the question itself. It's very easy to take the question 'Why do you want to come here?' and make it into a long tirade that lists all of the college's opportunities. But they don't care about that. They know what they offer, what they don't know is how their services can help you fulfill your goals. Of course, you need a general idea about your goals first (and something along the lines of 'I want to explore what's available to me' IS a legitimate goal).

So, basically, when you're doing the real college essays, keep an eye on the question and focus your answer. And, most of all, keep it simple. They want an idea of who you are, and the simpler you keep things the better their understanding of you will be. Depending on how you write it, a story about spending a weekend with your grandmother can be more touching then telling them you cook at an oprhanage once a week.