The divorce thread

[Shamu]

If you've been divorced yourself or if you're a child of divorce, go ahead and talk about it here.

As for me, not only am I child of divorce, but as of a few weeks ago I officially divorced my ex-husband as well. So I now get both sides of the spectrum. Either way it sucks :( It's something that I never wanted to happen for my daughter, but I think things are better this way and I hope she'll understand someday, the way I eventually understood my parents break up.

[Myrsilus]

Yeah I told you about this already I think, but my parents were divorced when I was about 5 years old. It was a very difficult thing for me to deal with... Y'know those movies and shows where they always say the child feels like it is their fault. That was me. I always felt like it would not have happened had it not been for me... so I kind of forced myself to grow up. I wanted to grow up.

I remember when my dad moved to San Antonio to pursue his career as a dentist, I went to visit him for a weekend. When my mother came to pick me up, I was alright for the most part... Then when we started to drive away, I suddenly burst out crying. I remember the horrible, tight pain in my chest as I watched his apartment began to fade from my sight.

I know it was for the best that they got divorced, but when you are a child that young it's hard to realize that. So yeah... it hurt bad.

[stillbornsinger]

I haven't been divorced, and nobody in my family has been divorced (extended family as far as I know as well, can't think of anyone who is divorced)

Its my opinion that divorce is to common now adays and its more of the easy way out. (I'm not putting you down, as I don't have any idea what your situation is, devorce is necissary in many cases I believe) But for myself I will not get divorced.

Unless its an abusive relationship or repeated cheating, I can't see myself getting divorced. I would like to think the person who I chose to spend the rest of my life with would be mature and level headed enough to not make those kinds of decisions. And I could never cheat or be abusive.

[Thespis]

I'm not a child of divorce. I was very fortunate to grow up in a wonderful home with parents who after 30 years are still happy, go on dates, go on vacations, are affectionate, and who were always there for me.

However, my sister is going through a divorce after 10 years of marriage, and I too went through a divorce after only being married a year. Looking back with hindsight, I should have seen some signs to make me take things slower with my ex. However, she had grown up pretty anti-social and sheltered. I helped her come out of her shell and encouraged her to experience more things in life. Little did I know the monster that was being created.

After a year of marriage and realizing the profound effect she could have on both men and women, she decided she wasn't ready for the responsibility and commitment and said she just felt like being selfish. I was far from perfect, but I made an effort to fix things when I realized problems that were present. She cheated repeatedly, and when I realized she had a lot of growing up to do yet, I told her that I deserved better and she needed to make up her mind. So we divorced, something I never wanted but relented to. I've managed to move on and let go and am better off for it now, but at the time it hurt a lot.

Earlier this year I exchanged a few email communications with my ex-wife after 5 years of not talking. I had some contact with her parents who thought highly of me, but none with her during that time. It was a good communication, and I'm happy to say that she's grown up a lot since we were married. She's still searching for some "answers" and has been divorced a 2nd time since me, but she's at least doing better than then. I've no desire to rekindle anything with her, but I do wish her happiness.

[Shamu]

My ex decided that having girlfriends and being a party boy was ok. He pretty much forgot that my daughter and I exsited, and even after counciling, he still didn't seem to know we were there. I tried to help him with his drug problems and depression but he didn't want help and there was only so much I could do. It wasn't a healthy enviroment for our child and it wasn't good for my self respect to look the other way when he went to go out with "friends".
Being a child of divorce I always told myself that I would never get divorced myself, that I would do everything possible to save my marriage, but it's near impossible when the other person gives up.
But I can raise my daughter knowing what she's going to have to go through and I know from watching my own mother what my life will most likely be like.

It's not easy at all! It's hard when a guy passes you by and looks at you with interest, then sees your child by your side and looks the other way. Alot of guys seem to be put off by this, most likely thinking that I'm looking for a father for my kid. Well, they're right! Not only do I have to look at someone as a potential mate but a parent as well, because I'm a package deal now.
I agree that divorce should be a last resort, especially if you have children, but you also have to realize there are somethings in life you have no control over, such as other people.
Stillbornsinger-I'm glad to hear you say that you would never cheat or be abusive! I hope you always keep that mentality and that no one ever does it to you! :)

[Jay]

If you've been divorced yourself or if you're a child of divorce, go ahead and talk about it here.

As for me, not only am I child of divorce, but as of a few weeks ago I officially divorced my ex-husband as well. So I now get both sides of the spectrum. Either way it sucks :( It's something that I never wanted to happen for my daughter, but I think things are better this way and I hope she'll understand someday, the way I eventually understood my parents break up.

Wow. When you mentioned you're divorced I didn't know it was THAT short a time ago. For someone still reeling from the effects you're remarkably upbeat and full of life. Well done. :)

As for me - well my folks have had the odd fight or two but nothing that wasn't repaired by morning.

[Myrsilus]

I don't blame you for looking for a husband that could accept a child. My mother raised me alone for most of my life with a little financial support from my dad. But it was her that shaped me into who I am today. And it was hard... She was really, really depressed and bi-polar after a while... I had to endure a lot of verbal and mental abuse. I don't blame her too much, though... We were in debt a lot and struggled to survive... She went through a lot to bring money in, sometimes resorting to less than honorable methods. Strong woman.

So yeah, being a single mother with a child can be one hell of a depressing experience... but you have to do what you have to do. You seem to be doing just fine, Shamu, so don't worry. :D

And even with all that we had to go through, I know it was better than what could have been if my father stayed. They were at each other's throats a lot... My mother almost died once in an argument when my father got plastered.

[Shamu]

My mother would have killed my father if they had stayed together (figuratively of course)
My mom had it rough too, she was in college when she and my dad split and we ended up staying with other college kids. So I grew up for a while being raised by college kids. The guys that lived next door were always a treat (thanks to them I knew what porn was at the age of 5...sigh..).
We always struggled with money, I hated it! She also went through alot of alchoholic boyfriends that thought I was mostly in the way. But we've survived and I know my daughter and I will survive.
I'm upbeat about everything because I'm one of those people who has learned to take it one day at a time and the whole thing has made me stronger. That and I'm just a happy go lucky person by nature :)

[Thespis]

I'm upbeat about everything because I'm one of those people who has learned to take it one day at a time and the whole thing has made me stronger. That and I'm just a happy go lucky person by nature :)
This is very apparent about you. :)

One day at a time is best you can do. Rough stuff can very often make you stronger when you don't let it "beat you down".

[LJustus]

Not only am I the child of a divorce, but on the 30th (in 8 short days) my final hearing is scheduled. My ex and I have been separated for over a year. I stayed married officially so the she would have medical and dental coverage.

My son is 2 years old, and my ex and I are trying to learn from the mistakes both our parents made. In her case, her dad left her mom and was never really heard from again. In my case, my parents divorced when I was almost 5. They continued to fight after they were divorced, but now they used us kids (I have a brother and sister) as tools to fight the other. We have agreed that we aren't going to do this as it is not in our son's best interest.

[hapacheese]

Child of divorce, but I was already an "adult" when it happened (happened during college). My mother had always talked to my brother and me in private about how when we grew up, she'd get a divorce. But, given the fact that for as long as I can remember, our family did nothing but argue day in and day out, we always wondered why she waited so long.

The process of the divorce was long and nasty (my father is very vindictive), but now that it's been over for several years, it's great. Well, it's difficult balancing the holidays and whatnot, but at least there's no more "oh my god, what's my father going to try to do to my mother next" sense of impending doom.

Divorce isn't always the easy way out. Sometimes, ignoring the problems is the easy way out. When someone's been married for 25 years, they share a house/company/finances, etc, it's simply easier to put up with it, instead of taking charge of their life and doing something to make things better.

My mother is extremely happy and remarried to an awesome, awesome guy now... even though I've inherited an angsty, indie-rock teenage step sister :D (I love her, anyway). I've never seen my mom happier.

[Kass]

Wow. Someone has an eerie sense of timing.

My parents divorced while I was in college. It was a bit of a shock, but both my parents are happier this way, so I guess I can't get too bent either way.

I divorced my husband after a year of marriage. He had become a drunk and was verbally abusive. He is probably the most irresponsible man on the planet and a massive joke of a father. Setting aside non-payment of child support, he goes years at a time without even acknowledging he has a child.

Today, I was looking up his parents' address to send them a recent photo of their grandaughter. Upon googling my former father-in-law's name, I found his obituary. He died Aug. 2 and my ex couldn't be arsed to call his own daughte and let her know that her grandfather had died. Now, she has to find out a month later that her grandfather died and that her father never thinks of her at all.

At least her grandmother remembers she is part of the family and included her name in the obituary.

Just when I thought my ex couldn't be any less human.

[Fallen Angel]

Well my mom and dad divorced when I was something like 1 or 2 years old so I don't really remember being with both of them. In fact, I can't even imagine that. I lived with my mother and my baby-brother, going to my father's place sometimes, but he left and now he's in Alberta (I live in Quebec... so it's really far away) I can see him only once in a year, in summer. Tho' I haven't been there this year.

What's sad is that I like my father (well, he's my father, after all) but I don't *love* him. I'm not close to him anyway... and he got married some years ago, so he's happy. And my mother is with her boyfriend (they had 2 lil girls together). I suppose this is for the best. But I do understand how it is painful when you remember the divorce. A friend of mine got throught that last year and she was really sad... anyway U_U;;

[hapacheese]

Question inspired by Kass, but anyone else going through divorce, feel free to answer if you wish :)

Particularly in Kass' case, it sounds like people simply haven't been having many good experiences with their spouses (who are now exes, I guess). My question is actually a two-fer: how long did you go out with/know your ex before you got married, and why did you marry him/her?

Seeing what my own parents went through is what caused me to have such a cautious approach to that level of commitment. I was going out with my fiance for about 7 years before we got engaged. Sure, that's a really long time (probably would have done it a year or two earlier, but finances/jobs/life got in the way), but we wanted to make sure we were fully compatible. We moved in together for a few years to test the waters... Taking things a step at a time.

If you feel uncomfortable, feel free to ignore me, as I'm just wondering out loud.

[Kass]

We'd gone out more than a year and had a kid when we got married. In hindsight, there was a lot of pressure from both of our respective sets of parents and we gave in to it. I had wierd dreams about beign a single parent before I got married. Should have listened to my subconscious.

My parents dated for more than a year and were engaged another 18 months before they got married and were married 22 years when they divorced. I think it was less that they were incompatible and more people grow and change and my mother grew and changed into someone who definitely was not the stay married type (read I love her but she is very selfish in a lot of ways).

My current guy and I have been together for a total of four years. We were together three years, apart one and have now been back together a year. That year apart was good for us in a lot of ways, but it really made us realize that we are made for each other. This is the guy I'll spend the rest of my life with.

Neither of us will get married again unless there is some sort of legal/insurance benefit we can't live without. We both have bitter ex-spouse syndrome.

Personally, I don't see much point in marriage anymore aside from the legal benefits.

[Shamu]

My ex and I knew each other for about 3 years before we got married and why did I marry him? Love, security, someone else to talk to and be there for me and when I married him he was a nice guy (or so I thought).
Hapa, if you're worried about you and your fiance it's perfectly normal, and you also can't think that you're going to have major problems or you kinda jinx yourself. On that note, I wish you and your fiance the best and like you said, just take it one step at a time! :)

Kass, I feel for you! My ex doesn't even seem to know that he has this beautiful little girl that thinks the world of him. Unfortunately, I think it has alot to do with the drugs and the alchohol. At least I get child support from him (thanks to the wonderful Iowa judicial system and my awesome attourney). He actually came to visit a few weeks ago (which surprised the hell out of me!), but out of the whole weekend he only spent maybe a total of 7 hours with our daughter. He was late on the second morning to pick her up. I found out later it was because he had decided to go to a strip club instead back to the hotel to get sleep and lord only knows what else he did while he was down here "visiting" is kid! I suppose I should be happy, he at least came down to visit her and he took her to the park, but it still pisses me off.
It just makes me sad to hear that your child is in a similar situation, because they really deserve better!

[hapacheese]

By this point, I'm pretty confident that we will at least make a valiant effort :) I know nothing is guaranteed in life and sometimes you get thrown a curve ball... but I figure no harm in setting out cautiously.

After seeing what some friends and my parents went through, I never want to have to go through a bitter divorce =\

[Kass]

My ex would actually have to hold a job to garnish his wages. His latest foray into the real world lasted exactly 30 days.

[hapacheese]

My mom, bless her soul, is a bit of an airhead and really doesn't know how to argue her points in a court of law. My dad, on the otherhand, is a shrewd (out of work) businessman. He ended up getting palimony from my mom, so she now has to pay him money monthly for the rest of his life.

Sucks, but that's California law =\

[Dresh]

My parents announced their upcoming divorce to my brother and me about 4 years ago when I was 13. It was about three months until my mom got an apartment of her own, and about one month after that the divorce was finalized. When I think about the divorce I kind of feel bad, not because it happened, but because my parents were and still are best friends with each other. They only divorced because they're romantic love had deteriorated into a friendship love and they wanted to do different things when they retired (my mom wants to go to Arizona while my dad wants to go to Mexico). We still celebrate holidays together, I spend about an even amount of time at both homes, they see each other regularly, and overall everything is very friendly. The odds of them getting back together are slim though, not that I mind.

My mom recently got a new boyfriend and dragged me down to his family reuinion in Oregon. I'm still not sure what to think about it, he's a very nice guy but I think that there are few things more shocking than seeing your mother kiss someone who isn't your father in a romantic way.

[Shamu]

My parents get along well too. Thank goodness! I think that helps alot when your parents can get along, takes a little of the stress off.
It is really wierd when you first see one of your parents with someone else and they're being affectionate with each other. But you get used to it, sort of. My parents have been divorced so long that I think it would be even stranger to see them doing stuff together.
I've tried being friends with my ex (yes i forgave him, despite the fact that he was a jerk to me), but he continues to be a jerk, so I try not to keep that friendship up too much.

[Niki07]

My parents got divorced when I was 9. That was 7 years ago. My parents were actually really considerate of me and would save their arguments for when I wasn't around. However, I did overhear the fatal conversation...when my mom told my dad she was divorcing him. I only heard bits and pieces, and naturally didn't assume that's what it meant. My mom told me not long after, I cried...mostly because I didn't know any other reaction. My dad, not knowing I knew, took me for a walk a few days later and asked that if they did divorce, where I would rather live. I was young, but I was smart. I played along and acted like I knew nothing...so neither would get mad at the other for being the one that told me. My dad only moved 45 minutes away...but I still only see him a few times a year. I feel horrible about that, and know I could do more...but for some reason, I don't. I think what was harder than the divorce itself, was watching my mom date other people. It just goes against what seems "right" in my mind....the "you're not my real dad" attitude. I'm an accepting person by nature though, and learned to adapt to different people in my life. My dad, unfortunately, has not moved on. I understand alot more now than I did then. But then, it was harder to comprehend depression...and why he was acting the way he did. In the past few years, my mom has explained more of the reasons why the divorce happened. She told me how verbally abusive he can be, among other problems relating to drugs and pills and what not that I won't go into. She also warned me against mind games that he will try and play with me. I trust my mom, and don't think she would say this just because. I guess, all in all, it was for the best. I don't think they could have worked things out, to be honest. It forced me to grow up a little faster than I might have otherwise, but that could very well be a good thing as well.

[Trump]

When I really think about it, most of the divorces that happen help things turn out better. So I wouldn't say divorce is the problem, but more the wrong people getting married? What do you all think?

[kiev33]

My ex decided that having girlfriends and being a party boy was ok. He pretty much forgot that my daughter and I exsited, and even after counciling, he still didn't seem to know we were there. I tried to help him with his drug problems and depression but he didn't want help and there was only so much I could do.

See, shouldn't ahve done all this, and this makes me mad. I too would have done anything for my wife. I was always there, and tried my best to make everything work when "we" were having problems. In the end, she just wasn't happy and had no problem moving six hundred miles away and breaking up our family. I can't even talk to my daughter about it to explain without her crying because she just wants us all together again. She's 9. My youngest daughter is 3.


[/QUOTE]It's not easy at all! It's hard when a guy passes you by and looks at you with interest, then sees your child by your side and looks the other way. Alot of guys seem to be put off by this, most likely thinking that I'm looking for a father for my kid. Well, they're right! [/QUOTE]

And you should be. The next person I am with is going to have to appreciate my kids or they get the boot. And I couldn't look at a woman with a child and pss that up. Hot mamas are the bomb!!! Besides, I have two kids, who's to cast stones?

Kevin

[RDClip]

Divorce sucks!

My parents split when I was 10. I didn't feel it was my fault because my mom fucked around with some asshole so I knew exactly who was at fault. This led to about 5 years of me never having contact with my mom. She is still with her boyfriend that wrecked things and still to this day I fucking hate that bastard.

But, it is safe to say I'm am one screwed up guy now. I'm not the most trusting and socail person now and I predict women issues in the future.

[Firefly]

I am a child of a divorce. And, like all divorces, not a happy one either.

My parents argued a lot when I was a kid, and eventually ended up separating, without an official divorce. My dad yelled a lot, my mom cried a lot, and I don't know why, even to this day. Eventually I ended up with my mom, who brainwashed me (and a lot of other people) to believe my dad was a bad person. (Years later I know what she told me was untrue). I hated my dad and cried everytime he came to pick me up. Eventually, my mom ended up leaving out of nowhere one day and didn't come back. She died from drinking two years ago.

As far as I have been told, she was a drug addict (heroine) and told everyone she was a diabetic. She was also an alchoholic (sp? sorry.) and had a few DUI's and no license. The court ordered her no visitation rights untill she seeked counsiling and could provide me an actual bed to sleep on.

Two years ago we finally heard from her parents (after god knows how long) and she had died from kidney failure (drinking) and left behind my half-sister, (who's father is a dickhead who ran away) who is now 8 years old and I never knew her.

Divorice can tear families apart. It did mine. Not fun.

[Benaire]

Ouch that sucks majorly :(

[Loc]

Yeah divorce sucks ass. My parents separated at a really bad time for my dad and me but they didn't get on so it was probably for the better in the end. It made me pretty pissed off at my parents I guess.

I've lived with my grandparents ever since and don't see them as much as I should really, it upsets my mum sometimes and makes me feel pretty bad but I'm not going to be unfair and see one parent more than the other (I did say I'd live with my grandparents if they broke up but they thought it was an empty threat).

Anyway, if/when I ever do get married, I'm gonna have to really think about whether or not I could spend the rest of my life with them because most people don't seem to these days. Of course, I'm not calling anyone who has been divorced stupid or anything like that, we can't predict the future or anything.

One thing that annoys me though, people who say shit like "at least you'll get 2x the presents at Christmas and Birthdays!" like I'd be thinking about that at the time ¬_¬

[Shamu]

And you should be. The next person I am with is going to have to appreciate my kids or they get the boot. And I couldn't look at a woman with a child and pss that up. Hot mamas are the bomb!!! Besides, I have two kids, who's to cast stones?

Kevin

I can't tell you how nice that is to hear! It gave me alittle bit of an ego boost! :D Yeah! I think it would be nice to find a guy who has kids too, gives you an understanding of sorts. I agree that both single moms and dads need to take their kids into consideration when starting a relationship with someone else.

Isn't it the most horrible feeling in the world when your kid(s) asks why and has that look of utter devistation when you try to explain to them what's happened, especially when they're so young and don't understand at all?

Firefly and Loc, I'm sorry to hear you're stories, as well as everyone else's too. I almost moved in with my grandparents at one time also, thanks to my alchoholic/abusive step-father.
Divorce sucks! Big time! For everyone involved and it's just as bad being on both sides of the fence (as in being divorced yourself and a child of divorce).
But that doesn't mean I've given up on marriage and being happy with one person for the rest of my life, it just means I'm more cautious now.

[delen]

My ex decided that having girlfriends and being a party boy was ok. He pretty much forgot that my daughter and I exsited, and even after counciling, he still didn't seem to know we were there. I tried to help him with his drug problems and depression but he didn't want help and there was only so much I could do. It wasn't a healthy enviroment for our child and it wasn't good for my self respect to look the other way when he went to go out with "friends".
Being a child of divorce I always told myself that I would never get divorced myself, that I would do everything possible to save my marriage, but it's near impossible when the other person gives up.
But I can raise my daughter knowing what she's going to have to go through and I know from watching my own mother what my life will most likely be like.

It's not easy at all! It's hard when a guy passes you by and looks at you with interest, then sees your child by your side and looks the other way. Alot of guys seem to be put off by this, most likely thinking that I'm looking for a father for my kid. Well, they're right! Not only do I have to look at someone as a potential mate but a parent as well, because I'm a package deal now.
I agree that divorce should be a last resort, especially if you have children, but you also have to realize there are somethings in life you have no control over, such as other people.
Stillbornsinger-I'm glad to hear you say that you would never cheat or be abusive! I hope you always keep that mentality and that no one ever does it to you! :)

Why the hell did you marry that guy? Did he do a complete 180 after you were married or some shit? Doesn't seem like a person you wanna have babies with. And I would date a woman with a kid, just depends on the situation.

[Shamu]

I married him because he was a good guy at first, then he really did do a 180 on me. That's what sucks! He became a completely different person about six months into our marriage. I should say that he started to change after I lost our first baby, which hit us both pretty hard. That was about 4 months after we got married. Then when I was pregnant with my daughter, that's when it became really noticble. Sad thing is no one in my family believed me at first, they thought it was just me being nervous about having a baby and pregnancy hormones.

[Thespis]

Divorce sucks! Big time! For everyone involved and it's just as bad being on both sides of the fence (as in being divorced yourself and a child of divorce). But that doesn't mean I've given up on marriage and being happy with one person for the rest of my life, it just means I'm more cautious now.
Exactly. I did not have the added factor of having a child with my ex, and I am glad for that because I know it makes it tougher. However, I love kids and hope to have a family someday. As you said, I'm just a lot more cautious now. I don't mind if the woman I end up with already has kids, and I have dated some women that did have kids. If anything I like that they have a kid because I know they're "family friendly" and more likely to be what I'm looking for, assuming they aren't completely irresponsible with their kids. The last woman I seriously dated had 2 kids, and I enjoyed them very much. I know I already told you before, but I even babysat for her a few times and they always liked having me around because I would pay attention to them and have fun with them.

I married him because he was a good guy at first, then he really did do a 180 on me. That's what sucks! He became a completely different person about six months into our marriage. I should say that he started to change after I lost our first baby, which hit us both pretty hard. That was about 4 months after we got married. Then when I was pregnant with my daughter, that's when it became really noticble. Sad thing is no one in my family believed me at first, they thought it was just me being nervous about having a baby and pregnancy hormones.
I know exactly how this feels. When my ex and I got married, she was basically a social hermit. I helped her come out of her shell, and when she realized just how strong of an effect she could have on others and how much she had missed out on party life, she went into a "living la vida loca" mindset. I understood it, but it didn't make it any easier. The ex/gf I mentioned above also had people not believe her when they had problems because they had so carefully kept their problems hidden for so long at his insistence. When she couldn't take it anymore, she had panic attacks and stress anxiety and was on Paxil for a long time. He eventually realized the problems and how he should have handled it differently. He's actually a great guy but had to learn the hard way. :( For her it was too little too late, and she wasn't exactly innocent in how she handled the situation with him either. It was just so overwhelming for her when she had everything bottled up.

[kiev33]

I married him because he was a good guy at first, then he really did do a 180 on me. That's what sucks! He became a completely different person about six months into our marriage

This happened to me too. She was so sweet and thought the world of me and would do anything for me. And I would have done the same for her. Money caused this to change, though. I was a soldier and did not make anywhere near what she needed.

Last night I got some bad news. My daughter let me know that Mommy has a friend, Jose. He comes over every weekend and sometimes Mommy and Jose go into the bedroom and lock the door.

Now, my mother has been saying for months that this kind of thing has been going on, but she has been assuming. She has had no proof. When Mommy and I went into the bedroom and locked the door, there was only one reason. Ususally the kid's were taking naps and we didn't want any surprises or for them to see something that might scar them for years.

So, whatever she may try to say, now I am going to assume this is what is going on. I don't have definite proof, and there may be nothing, but I don't know why else they would need to lock the kids out.

It just really, really angers me that doesn't have the same respect for the sanctity of marriage that I do. And that she really doesn't seem to care about me anymore.

Kevin

[Snake eyeS]

Wow Kevin, that has to hurt :(

Shamu and someone else said they are on the lookout for guys/girls that dont look away when they see your have a kid.. after yet another false alarm by my girlfriend, i actually felt at peace having a kid. Im not ready for a kid jobwise and apartment wise.. but i had my peace with it, until she again told me it wasnt gonna happen. so now im back into reality and the party goes on :/

the point im getting at: I think a female with a kid would be a great catch, certainly if you would want someone to share your life with. all the wild and freaky things you do with girls are getting old.
Meeting someone special that makes you want to sit at home with her and really going into that whole faimly lifestyle, a kid alongside of that would be great. but maybe because of the false alarm that i would become a father was i actually considering jumping in the deep and making a family.. even though i dont see my girlfriend as a great partner, she would make a great mom. i could see myself with a wife and kids and would actually enjoy it greatly.. even though my life is for many people something to envy on, i woudnt mind trading places for the family life.

Sorry for going a bit OT, but when shamu said something about people looking away when they realised she had a kid made me think about my own situation and how some people are actually looking for such a package.

ps: My parents are happily married and i have lived a careless life. the storys i hear in this thread in and RL makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with some people.

[Shamu]

after yet another false alarm by my girlfriend, i actually felt at peace having a kid. Im not ready for a kid jobwise and apartment wise.. but i had my peace with it, until she again told me it wasnt gonna happen. so now im back into reality and the party goes on.
Be careful, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I read some stats on women and pregnancy, it went something like 75% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and of those only about 50% (maybe more, it's been a while since I read about that stuff) of women knew they were pregnant in the first place. Glad to know that you would be ok with your girlfriend becoming pregnant though if it did happen. Just be careful, I'm living proof that not all birth control works ;)
Kiev33, I'm so sorry to hear that! It really bites when you find out someone you've trusted has betrayed you.

[Snake eyeS]

Be careful, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I read some stats on women and pregnancy, it went something like 75% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and of those only about 50% (maybe more, it's been a while since I read about that stuff) of women knew they were pregnant in the first place. Glad to know that you would be ok with your girlfriend becoming pregnant though if it did happen. Just be careful, I'm living proof that not all birth control works ;)


Ye im pretty familiar with the birth stats and that it can go wrong trough alot of different reasons, thats why i said i woudnt mind finding the true one if she alrdy had a child, the pregnancy on its own is something scary in my eyes..a guy cant do nothing about it but sit and hope the 9 months(this goes for both parents ofcourse, but a guy often feels helpless)
my brother is having a kid from his girlfriend and since that became known, ive been digging into pregnancy so i could see what they were up against. and the stats alone and all the different pregnancy stories gave me the shivers. im sure your happy to have a kid, even though its with someone who has serious issues. a couple ive known since ive been little have never been able to get kids, and they would make great parents. live is not fair, in relations, in divorces and everything else.

[kiev33]

Wow Kevin, that has to hurt :(

I don't really know how I feel about it. We have been apart for about two years now. And I know she doesn't want me. Part of me is very angry with her, but the marriage was over long ago, and I am coming to terms with that. She doesn't want me. Someone will. And I am fine, for the first itme in my life, being alone.

all the wild and freaky things you do with girls are getting old.

Oh, I don't know. From someone who has absolutely never experienced any freaky things, I wouldn't mind a few. of course, I want a partner who will be there for me and will also do those things with only me. That's the hard part. :p

Kevin

[kiev33]

Kiev33, I'm so sorry to hear that! It really bites when you find out someone you've trusted has betrayed you.

Yes, it does. Again though, I don't really know how to feel about it. I have never been a violent person, except for the Army, but that's different. :p

And at this point, I wish I could just slap the crap out of her. But it wouldn't accomplish anything except to make me look bad. Just wish I hadn't been so understanding when all this was going on, up till things finally started breaking apart. I should have gone down fighting.

Kevin

[Snake eyeS]

I don't really know how I feel about it. We have been apart for about two years now. And I know she doesn't want me. Part of me is very angry with her, but the marriage was over long ago, and I am coming to terms with that. She doesn't want me. Someone will. And I am fine, for the first itme in my life, being alone.

Ahh i thought this cheating was going on while you were still with eachother, i do however think i know how it must feel having that infomation confirm that the ties between you are broken (forever?). im not that good of a coach and i dont want to be, but if you have really come to terms with your current situation and you feel like you can let her go, go chase those freaky things ;)
and trust me, the older they get the more freaky stuff happens.

Oh, I don't know. From someone who has absolutely never experienced any freaky things, I wouldn't mind a few. of course, I want a partner who will be there for me and will also do those things with only me. That's the hard part. :p

Kevin

Well as a response from the other side of the fence, ive never felt that a girl was truely in love with me, ive been used as a puppet for her friends and used for my money and all sorts of crap. but thats my fault, so i didnt mind because i didnt want a real relationship.

But now im slowly beginning to think that finding someone that fits me and likes me for me, and not for the ego i am, could be something great. Its pretty scary though, cause i was always good at doing things the shallow way, sharing real feelings is not my strongest point.

Maybe its time to kick the hot chick to the curb and bring on the wife that will bring me my newspaper in the morning! ;)

[Jiant Flying Panda]

I think I posted this on the old forum but I'll repost it.

Well, you see my parents never officialy devorced but they did seperate.

They seperated when I was only about 2 years old and my mother took me, my older sister, and my older brother away. And it was about 7 years before I actually saw my father again when he visited me and my siblings. And I was pretty happy about it.... For awhile. I found out that later that he wasn't staying and I hated him for that. But soon after that I found it was actually my mother who was keeping him from staying. I had the feeling he wanted to stay with us but my mom was..... You know.

A few years later when I was 11 years old he died from lung cancer due to many years of cigarette smoking. And to be hounest..... Even though it might sound very messed up. When he died, I wasn't even sadened or fazed. I just acted like I was so my brother and sister wouldn't bag on me for it. If I did express how I really was (normal) they would of thought of me as cruel and not caring towards our own father. If I did they wouldn't understand. They actually knew our father, I knew as nothing more than just a man; just like any other guy walking down the street.

Growing up without a father (or father figure) is hard. And I wouldn't say that growing up without a father as a boy is harder.... It's just more "confusing", I guess. There was no man there to teach me how to shave, put on a suit, tie a tie, polish my shoes, fix a car, how to fight and all the other stereotypical "father teaches son" shit.

I love my older brother and I respect him, but I wouldn't necersarily say he is the ideal male role model. I had to teach myself how to "be a man" as well as learning a lot from my friends. Friends that have been there for me even more than my own father. Friends that I can depend on for anything. Friends that fill in that void my father left me with.

And I know this might sound very cruel, but it is me in all my hounesty. I would rather keep the brotherhood I have formed with my 3 best friends than to have my own father back.

[Dead Sexy Vocab]

I feel like my parents are going to split up after several fights and my dad's insensitive care for my mom, and to me, that's as close to having divorced parents.

Nonetheless, they never did split up for a while, and after those fights they get back to their happy-couple side.

My heartfelt feelings for all of you.

[akitaka]

Growing up without a father (or father figure) is hard. And I wouldn't say that growing up without a father as a boy is harder.... It's just more "confusing", I guess. There was no man there to teach me how to shave, put on a suit, tie a tie, polish my shoes, fix a car, how to fight and all the other stereotypical "father teaches son" shit. I grew up in a family of all women, starting from age 2. The silly part is that I taught myself all of those things, except to fix a car...though the Toyota's layout makes it easy to at least do the general handy-work.
I guess the only hardship I've gone through is having an over-protective mother, especially of myself, since I was the "man of the house". You know that duty where the 'man' has to defend the family? It's not fun recieving that stuff when you're only 13, and have had no idea as to why the damn plumber is swindling your mother. Stuff like that is gradually changing, though, as I get older.
A few advantages I have, though, is that I'm not sensitive to anything gender-related, though that could just be me. Another plus, is that I grew up without any machoness what so ever; the years of being mostly reserved helped me gain a pretty steady level of patience. You can't puff your chest in a household, when there are 3 women who aren't afraid to step on you with deserved redemption. It's all good, though.

[paul]

I'm confused (not being sarcastic),
why do people get married with "jerks", I know that divorces are common these days, but... I still think getting married is a big step and not to be taken lightly. I especially despise the thought process "getting married isn't so much of a big deal, you can always get divorced". I understand that many couples have problems and they often escalate, but they can all be worked out in my experience.

Maybe getting married has different degrees of importance to different people, just like "love".

But... I still don't understand why anyone would marry a "jerk". My friends comment on my ability to understand people (not off the bat mind you), maybe thats why its hard for me to imagine marrying (big deal for me) someone that could become a jerk.

[Jiant Flying Panda]

I grew up in a family of all women, starting from age 2. The silly part is that I taught myself all of those things, except to fix a car...though the Toyota's layout makes it easy to at least do the general handy-work.
I guess the only hardship I've gone through is having an over-protective mother, especially of myself, since I was the "man of the house". You know that duty where the 'man' has to defend the family? It's not fun recieving that stuff when you're only 13, and have had no idea as to why the damn plumber is swindling your mother. Stuff like that is gradually changing, though, as I get older.
A few advantages I have, though, is that I'm not sensitive to anything gender-related, though that could just be me. Another plus, is that I grew up without any machoness what so ever; the years of being mostly reserved helped me gain a pretty steady level of patience. You can't puff your chest in a household, when there are 3 women who aren't afraid to step on you with deserved redemption. It's all good, though.

Yeah Kind of same here to man.

Like one time we saw lights in our backyard (like flashlights). And I had to be the one to go check it out just because I'm the "Man of the house". WTF?

Mom: Go check!
Me: WTF? Why me?
Sister: Because your a man....
Me: ????? I'm 14......
Mom and Sister: Go check!
Me: What if it's burgalars with weapons!?
Sister and mom: .......

That happened when we just moved to the house we currently live in.

And yeah there are a few advantages. Growing up with only females gives you a whole new respect for them. Some that most males never achieve. Growing up with just my sister and mom (My brother is rarely around) You kind of learn what it is to be a gentleman also.

[No_]

I am a child of divorce and I will NEVER ever get married.

I know that my mom and dad loved eachother at first but since my father is an alcoholic things just didn't work out.
My mom just didn't want to see that he was an alcoholic when she first met him, she fell inlove and me and my little brother came along.

There where some horrible arguments, my parents always thought that I didn't hear them or understood what was happening.
It was hard growing up not knowing if my father would be able to keep sober just for the day.
Eventually, when I was about 9 years old my mom divorced my dad.
That was the best thing she ever could have done.
I grew up pretty poor, but still my mother made sure that me and my brother didn't have to miss anything.
Life was still "hard" but things just got better and better.

My father loved us, still do... but he is and will always be an alcoholic.
I don't think anything will change that.
I stopped expecting that he would remember my birthday, show up for schoolplays and stuff like that a long time ago.
I do love him, but it only makes my heart break over and over...
I just called him, it's only a little bit over 10 am and he's allreay drunk.

At one point I hadn't heard for him in over 6 months, he usually calls atleast once a month just to say "hi".
I thought he was dead. I was just waiting for the call...
I turns out.. he was probably in prison or really messed up in a hospital.
He never told us.

Sad enough, I think it all would have been better if he wasn't around at all...

I love my mom, she's the best.
I'm so glad she finally got a divorce, life is so much better since :)

[Kass]

Alcoholism throws all the normal conventions of marriage out the window. A marriage to an alcoholic is nothing at all like a marriag should or could be--even a mediocre or bad marriage between two non-alcoholics. As useless as I find the institution, there is no way you can judge it based on an example involving an alcoholic. There are too many issues related to that that obliterate everything else.

As far as I can see, the only reasons to get married are legal benefits, health benefits, taxing purposes and/or immigration purposes. Everything else can be done with or without the piece of paper. Even most legal benefits can be handled with various legal documents.

[Shamu]

I'm reviving this thread because today would have been my 6th wedding anniversary.
I've been separated from my ex for almost 3 years now, but it's still makes me a bit sad on days like today, because I feel sad for my daughter. I'm personally much happier and I think she's much better off, but it still makes me sad for her.

On the other hand, I still like to tease the hell out of my ex and be mean to him when I can. So I was thinking of what to send him for what would have been our anniversary...I was thinking a framed copy of our divorce papers and a box of chocolates, since he HATES chocolate :D Then I decided that would be too mean...

[ZaichikArky]

aw. It saddens me hearing these stories. I'm very lucky because my parents have always been overall happily married and I never had to deal with it. It's more remarkable because my parents are Russian and something like 65% of russian marriages end in divorce, so it's worse than even America.

The thing with a lot of divorces is that couples just don't try to work through their problems and just give up. It sucks because the child is torn in the situation because the child usually lives with the mom most of the time and the mom brainwashes them into thinking the father is a terrible person. No child should ever be in that situation >_<. Parents need to act like adults.

[Jetsetlemming]

My parents broke up when I was three, divorced when I was five. Got me a step mom of my dad's and a live-in boyfriend of my mother's now, and not a decent human being amongst the four adults involved.

[CrazyAce86]

There's no divorce in my family. It's not for religious reasons or anything, there just isn't. You could beat the crap out of each other, and it doesn't matter-- no divorce. As my mother tells my father on occasion, "There's only marriages and funerals in this family. You choose which one you want."

That, of course, is a remarkable difference from his family, where if you're not on your second or third marriage you're not trying hard enough.

I'm getting married in a few months at twenty years of age. He's twenty, too, and in the military. And I know that no matter how bad things get, I'll never get a divorce. It's not a concept in my mind for myself. For others, well, that's their business and I'll never judge them for it.

As for those those that have dealt with divorce, as a child or as an adult, I feel for you. I don't know what you've been through, but I can imagine. In a lot of ways, I admire the adults for having to the guts to go through with it and not just sit back and endure. And I admire the kids, too, for being able to overcome the pain of it and become stronger people as a result. Credit to all of you.

[Soli]

My old neighbor here in Ohio (before I moved to Mass then moved back) has had at least 4 husbands. She had 3 kids with her first husbad, divorced him, married someone else, divorced him, then married another man, and divorced him again. She just recently moved to California (I think) with her recent husband.

She's the nicest lady I know. I've known her since I was little, and she's been the person cutting my hair (because she works at a salon) the time that I've lived here. Whenever I'd go by her salon I'd stop in to see her. :)

The funny thing is, she's still good friends with all her husbands. A lot of the time when you find her on her cell phone while cutting someone's hair it's one of her husbands, usually her first.

Her three kids are all out of high school now. From what I've seen, they're fine. Her oldest is getting married and is going to live in their old house now that they've moved.

So not all divorces are bad, I guess. I have no clue why she divorced each of her husbands, but there's no bad feelings between them now.

[Neon Pink Shoehorn]

I wished my parents would divorce. They both have the habitof blaming the other for whatever goes wrong. Like, I have a little brother who has down's syndrome. He's 15, and they still try to literally force him into his pajamas and take baths and that sort of stuff. As soon as they start yelling, he knows the game is on, unless I step in. I hated being the most mature person in the house at 3 decades younger than my parents. I try to get him out of the same room as my parents, and you know, actually talk to him. And usually, though not always, he does the right thing. It's one of the things I keep telling him, even if they're screaming at each other, you need to do what right for you. And when I see him leave the room when they start yelling, and go do something constructive, I know I've made a difference.

I hope I don't have to go through divorce. I do have a few traits in guys that I won't compromise on, and if they're missing, then... no matter how much I like the guy, it's time to leave. And I'm kinda picky with boyfriends, I've had all of three. And I have nothing bad to say about any of them, which I guess is something rare and almost precious.

[Kwiz]

I wished my parents would divorce. They both have the habitof blaming the other for whatever goes wrong. Like, I have a little brother who has down's syndrome. He's 15, and they still try to literally force him into his pajamas and take baths and that sort of stuff. As soon as they start yelling, he knows the game is on, unless I step in. I hated being the most mature person in the house at 3 decades younger than my parents. I try to get him out of the same room as my parents, and you know, actually talk to him. And usually, though not always, he does the right thing. It's one of the things I keep telling him, even if they're screaming at each other, you need to do what right for you. And when I see him leave the room when they start yelling, and go do something constructive, I know I've made a difference.

TG, you have my deepest sympathy. I've had an autistic older brother my entire life, and he still hasn't completely mastered getting to the bathroom in time or speaking in complete sentences - he's on the low-functioning end of the disorder to say the least. Hearing my parents shout at him in private frustration, having visions of what a mentally functional older brother would be like, nervously wondering if some autistic traits are showing through in my behavior... it's all messed with me for as long as I can remember.

I only wish I could do what you're doing for your brother. Keep pushing him to take some direction with his life; Down's syndrome isn't totally crippling.





EDIT: While the state of affairs with my brother bothers me, it's not debilitating. I didn't mean to kill the thread.

[japanat]

"Yeah divorce sucks ass."

Actually, in my case, it was not divorcing that sucked ass. My parents started fighting when I was about 7, and divorced when I was 25. By then I didn't give a flying shit. Watching that kind of angry, bitter battle, day-in-day-out is not good for kids. My mother was a wonderful parent, who should have given verbally-abusive Dad the boot long before. My brothers and I all have to be very careful with our own children, to make sure we don't repeat our father's behavior (it really can be 'monkey see, monkey do').

After being afraid to commit to any relationship longer than a few months, and never opening up emotionally (due to the eternally strained atmosphere I grew up in), I finally found a wonderful woman and took the chance. We dated 2 1/2 years, and have been married for 14.

Now, I even get along with my father, but I hated him when I was younger...

[Black Dog]

My parents got a divorce when I was around 12-13.Even though my parents didin't argue over any pocessions. My parents let me and my sister chose who we wanted to live with. I chose my Dad, beacuase my Mom lived in a small apartment on Sherbourne without an air conditioner. Summer in Toronto is too harsh on my lungs, becuase I have asthma. I can easly go for a 2h run, but I can't sprint for 30 secs. I was a bit sad at first, but that is life. 仕方が無い！:hat:

On the plus side, I could go to my Mom's place straight from my school in scarbough。Before, going I used to walk along yonge and stop by a korean owned convience store, to buy Sailor moon and Dragon Ball Z cards。This was around 1996, before Japanese animation caught on. Some of my friends and people in school were starting to watch Dragon Ball or Sailor Moon. Some of my Chinese and Korean classmates were familiar with DBZ from watching it in thier home countries. Although both had gotten bored with DBZ already. TOO MUCH TALKING !!!

I was just getting into anime and I did use it as an escape from my problems. Anime was my crack cocaine! Anyways when I went to my mom's place on the weekends, my parents would take me out together and at the end day we went to the video rental store on Church and Wellsey, where I rented most of the Japanese animation I watched until age 14. ALthough because my parents divoriced my Mom moved downtown and me and my Dad lived in tesdale near Victoria park station. Crayy area !!! I used to go to one the schools in the area when I was 5-7. I am shy person so, didn't make any new friends and I continued to atten my old school in Highland Creek. 40 min bus ride and train ride to school. As a result of me having no friends in the area I took up reading books like goosebumps and books based off Spider-man.

I would spend three hours a day reading and watching games shows like the price is right. Japanese animation was availble on video, but far too expensive. My parents didn't have a lot of money becuase they got a divorce. But had no problem taking to World's biggest book store to pick out the lasted Spider-Man novel. I read the comics to, but they were to expensve. The novels were around $6-8 and took me a few 9 hours to read a 300-400 page book. Most of the novels average 200 pages.

Before I started Highschool at Marc Garnau my parents moved back in with each other. They have thier own rooms and date other people. Which led to my Dad meeting a Chinese women who had a Japanese roommate. She used to help with my Japanese,but she went to back to Japan and it's only more rencently that I have made any Japanese friends. All of her Japanese friends were surprised to learn that I liked Japanese and animation and wanted to learn as a result.This was when I was 13 years old, I was also into Spider-man comics at the time and even baught the English translation of the Japanese version of Spider-Man which at the time averaged 40 pages for $4.20. I stopped collecting it as the American version was cheaper and I liked it a lot more. That is enough for now, although I could add a lot more.:spidey:

[chad mullet]

My parents never divorced nor did my wife and I. I was married for 28 years.

The one advantage of divorce is that you don't have to attend your spouse's funeral if they snuff it before you. [or if you do you are quietly pleased].

Seriously, from what I've read in this thread, I think divorce causes more hurt to a family than death