Ask Ruaidhri [Archive] - Outpost Nine Forums

ruaidhri

12-11-2005, 03:47 PM

Anders, you young whippersnapper, this old codger pays for your college tuition. Anyway, I’m not embarrassed. Instead, I’m flattered that Roxie would suggest this thread and you would carry through on her suggestion.

Erbiumfiber, there is no easy answer to your problem. I know; I’ve been through it. It’s really hard to let go. Our children are our life from the time they are born and then suddenly they’re gone. We can’t help but live much of our own lives through them. Then, when they leave, we sit at home and think about them. I have always been very close to my two sons. I remember when we dropped our oldest off at his undergraduate college. He stood by the door waiving as we drove off. While he was making new lifelong friends and enjoying his newfound freedom, my wife was crying and I was fighting hard to retain my composure. Lucky for us his college was only 4 ½ hours driving time from home. However, he didn’t have a car so it wasn’t very easy for him to return except for holidays when we would drive there and back to pick him up and there and back again to drop him off. It was never easy to say goodbye.

My youngest son Anders chose to go to a closer school for his first two years of college. He is now living in an apartment at a more distant school but still only an hour’s drive from home. I still miss him living under my roof. I still miss his wit and his ability to find interesting solutions to just about anything. He and his fiancée are planning on getting married in August of 2006. That’s another new hurdle for my wife and me as well as for him and his fiancée, Christine.

Which art school is your daughter going to in Michigan? My sister earned her Masters of Fine Arts from Cranbrook Academy in Bloomfield Hills. I remember going there to pick her up when she graduated. It was a beautiful school.

It certainly should help that your computer allows you to keep in touch with your daughter on a regular basis. While it’s not the same as being physically next to each other it’s more than parents separated from their adult children had in the past. She still can confide in you and you can help each other. Yes, I do believe that your joining a new church and meeting new people will help. If you can’t be a pet owner you might consider volunteering at your local humane society (if there is such an agency in Japan). You could be a dog walker or perform some other volunteer service.

There really is no easy solution to missing your daughter especially when you are separated by so many miles. You have to work hard to make yourself happy. Meet with other people and allow yourself to smile, laugh and have fun. Focus on yourself. Reward yourself for doing an excellent job of raising your daughter and allowing her the opportunity to go to an art school in Michigan.

I do like mawande’s suggestions.

Nerd, I believe I’ve always been lucky. Oh, I’ve worked hard and haven’t always been rewarded as I though I should but all in all my life turned out good. My parents were fairly well off as my father was a pharmacist with his own business. As a child, I never hurt for money. I didn’t do particularly well in school but I excelled in establishing and completing objectives. At work, I always found the most difficult jobs and found easier and more efficient solutions. I became an expert with the spreadsheets and databases, especially database design and analysis. I discovered what my bosses didn’t like doing on their own jobs and did it for them as well my own job. Although I completed a large number of college courses, I never actively sought a degree. Instead, I concentrated on learning what would help me in my profession. My company promoted me because of my knowledge and ability to get things done not because of degrees. I normally worked long hours and incurred considerable stress to complete all the tasks I set for myself. Throughout my life I earned good salaries and was able to save for retirement. I was also lucky enough to have worked at a company for 36 years that offered a very generous pension. Then, three years ago I retired. I miss the contacts and the challenges but, believe me, I don’t miss the stress. Now, I’m enjoying what’s left of my life. I hope it’s a long time. Has my life been difficult? No, all in all I believe I’ve been very lucky.

Jay, most embarrassing? Hmmm. There have been more than a few. I’ve been fairly successful at shutting them out of my mind so between these sentences I’m thinking back over the years. Ok, here’s a few. As I think of more I’ll add them. First, the most recent was when I went to a department store with my son Redbeard who, at the time, was an adult. He thought he’d tease me so he walked up to an attractively dressed female mannequin and started fondling a breast. I about swallowed my tongue as I hurried away from his side. Meanwhile he stood there laughing at me and my apparent discomfort. Yes, my sons can be evil to their poor old dad. Then, going back 30 or so years there was the time my wife and I were visiting her parents on their farm in central Wisconsin. The weather was turning bad and they needed to immediately get the hay into the barn. So we all rushed out to the fields and my wife and I started to toss the bales into the wagon as her father drove the tractor. When we finished the field with the last load and were at the barn unloading the bales my arms just died. Now, I had been working out so I wasn’t weak. In fact, I was rather proud of my strength. Regardless, my arms said enough is enough and just stopped working. My wife and her father however didn’t have any problems at all. My wife had been with me all the while lifting as much as I did without any apparent fatigue. Was I embarrassed? You’re damn right I was. My last example goes back even more years to when I was home on leave from the military. I was in my parent’s house with some friends and we were drinking. Well, I drank too much and I passed out on a couch upholstered with a material that my mother had spun, wove and tailored to the couch. In fact, the material had won awards at art shows. You guess it. I got sick, real sick. I really did a job on that couch. Try to explain that one the next morning when you’re still sick with a hangover.

I have to add one more story. It one of my favorite embarrassing moment stories. It didn’t happen to me but did actually happen to a friend of my son Redbeard. This friend was in a music theory class and was discussing an assignment with a attractive young woman. She showed him the music she wrote and he said, “Wow! That’s you wrote a large piece; my penis is small. No, no, I mean piece, piece.” Was that a Freudian slip, or what?

MeneerDijk, Yes, I do know where Wilmette, IL is and I have driven through it numerous times as it’s located between Milwaukee and Chicago. I have not, however, ever stopped there and do not know anyone that lives there.

Jon885, High School was not the highlight of my life. First, I didn’t study as much as I should have. I picked the classes I liked and worked hard in those and ignored the others. I certainly did not graduate at the top of my class. Also, I grew up in an area where many of the kids were pretty tough and were getting into regular trouble with the law. As I mentioned my father owned a business. My father had given me a section of the basement for a club for us kids. One day I discovered that they were stealing sodas from my father. I kicked them all out of the basement and dropped them as friends. Then, I was in High School without a group of friends and had to start making new ones. That’s not easy when you go to a new school. It’s doubly hard when you’re at the same school.

Roxie, I believe age is a false barrier. I don’t believe inside I’m any different than I was when I was 25. I pick 25 because that’s how old I was when I got out of the military. My years before that were more immature and centered around having fun without responsibility. Yes, age does offer more experience but it’s not how much experience you have but how you use it as a guide. I’ve always read your posts and I believe you have your head on straight and are very mature in your outlook. You’ll do great because you can apply what you’ve learned to solve life’s problems. I must mention I really enjoy your font. Your whisper forces readers to pay attention to what you’re writing. Very clever indeed.

Oops, one more question. Renegade, I'm just another member of OP9. I'm perhaps the oldest at 64 and I've been around since the old forum. You certainly don't have to ask me anything and you also don't have to pay attention to anything I write. But if you do ask me a question, I will attempt to answer it as honestly as I can without any criticism.

renegade

12-11-2005, 04:09 PM

Oops, one more question. Renegade, I'm just another member of OP9. I'm perhaps the oldest at 64 and I've been around since the old forum. You certainly don't have to ask me anything and you also don't have to pay attention to anything I write. But if you do ask me a question, I will attempt to answer it as honestly as I can without any criticism.

mmmmm k :)

Praetorian

12-11-2005, 04:32 PM

Renegade, that was such a rude thing to ask like that. Ruaidhri is one of the, if not the most respected members of OP9.

Ruaidhri, I have two questions if you don't mind. First of all, what does "ruaidhri" mean? Second, how much time do you spend behind the internet? Seeing as you have children, and you can empethise with younger people who spend a lot behind their computers seeing as you spend time behind your computer aswell, do you think it's OK that for some of the teenagers today computers have completely replaced television, going outside and for some even sports?

MeneerDijk

12-11-2005, 04:53 PM

One more question. How do you spend your days being retired? Do you miss having a job? I've seen some people around me retiring and hating every minute of it, i even once had a job at an egg-factory where a retired boss worked as a foreman a couple of days a week. (luckily i also know some people that have a retirement resembling a hemmeroid commercial...happy seniors dancing and doing extreme sports)

ruaidhri

12-11-2005, 07:00 PM

Praetorian
First, Ruaidhri is my name spelled in Irish. The common spelling of my name is Rory. I am half Irish and half German.

I understand Renegade’s reason for questioning why anyone should ask me a question or why they should even care about my answers. In many ways we do come from different worlds. Why should he trust me until he has a better idea of who I am and how my mind works? I do believe Renegade accepted my answer to his questions.

Normally, I spend anywhere from two to four hours a day on the Internet. Some days I spend more and others I’m not on at all. I embraced PC’s when they first came on the market with a small TI and later an Apple. With the Apple I began working with the Appleworks spreadsheet and found it to be exactly what I needed to make my job easier. When my department bought its first IBM PC-XT, I monopolized its use. Most other employees were intimidated. I wasn’t. I developed algorithms and models to optimize transportation alternatives. I found new opportunities to transport materials at far lower costs saving my company millions of dollars. Eventually, I progressed into faster and faster computers and more sophisticated database software where I linked to my company’s mainframe databases for my data sources. When my company allowed its employees to access the Internet I used it to find even more opportunities and save even more money.

Then, when I retired, I, of course, continued to seek new information using the Internet. It was my son, Redbeard, that suggested I look at Azrael’s editorials on Outpostnine. Like everyone I really enjoyed his stories. They speak to everyone regardless of age. I hope he continues writing when he leaves Japan.

When Azrael started his forum I joined. This is really my first and only forum. I like it because I like the members. I like reading different opinions. Most of all I like it because I’ve found the members to be good people.

You asked how I feel about people spending large amounts of time on computers. True, computers have replaced television and outdoor activities, including sports in many peoples lives. True, they are not healthy when they are an individual’s only interaction with the world. Like anything they can and do become obsessions. But, I’ve also found computers to be a window to the world. They allow me to speak to you across half of America and a vast ocean. With you and other members, I’ve made friends I never imagined possible. I believe there is great value in that. But, just as it isn’t good to sit in front of a TV set or a book all day it not good to limit yourself to a computer. Life should be much more. I believe sports, outdoor activities and actually meeting and interacting with other people is also important. Life in front of a terminal is too limiting. But, then that’s my opinion. I hold that each person must make their own choices as to how they wish to divide each day. Certainly, parents can and do limit children’s freedom of choice but eventually that child will become an adult and will have to make decisions for themselves.

MeneerDijk
Well, I retired almost 3 ½ years ago. My wife is still working. She retires at the beginning of January 2006. We do plan on doing some traveling when she’s free. Right now, I’m working part time (seasonal help) at Marshall Fields an American Department Store. I’m selling men’s shoes and tailored suits. I’m paid a commission on the items I sell. I’m not making much money but that wasn’t the reason I took the job. I wanted to get out of the house and meet people. Retail sales is a lot harder than I imagined. It’s not the selling part. What’s hard for me is being on my feet for all those hours without being able to sit down. It’s much better when I’m busy. When business is slow it’s hard just standing. My legs really ache when I get home. I have a new appreciation for the many people that work in Retail Sales.

I went to a friends retirement party at my old employer last week. I talked to my old directors and offered to come back as a consultant. I would expect my hourly rate to be very generous. I don’t expect I’d be working a 40 hour week and I would want to take breaks to travel with my wife. I would be happy if it does happen but I wouldn’t care if it doesn’t. It certainly would be less painful for my legs.

When I retired I bought myself a present. I bought a Chocolate Labrador Retriever. She is truly my baby girl. She’s 3 ½ now and is really a sweetheart. Every day, regardless of the weather, we go for long walks. It’s good for both of us. I play with her a lot during the day. She loves chasing around the house and outside.

I also enjoy reading and spend time at local bookstores picking up new books. My two sons usually drop by on the weekends for a few hours. Redbeard lives in the city near the University where he is working on his PhD and teaching and Anders is about an hours drive away attending the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater for his BS in Political Science. Both usually call me at least once a day.

Actually, when I think about it, I’m really happy with my life. Sure, I’d love to win the lottery but then again maybe I already have. My life is pretty good.

Roxie

12-11-2005, 07:29 PM

Yeah, actually that sounds almost too good!

You might want to pick up some "support socks" and extra insoles for your shoes to help with pain of standing..You could also invoke your "Senior rights" (make a fuss) and I'm sure they'd send a chair swiftly. ;)

MeneerDijk

12-11-2005, 07:37 PM

Thanks for the answer, i'm happy you didn't fall into the after-retirement depression, and maybe a little tip: You know the stereotypical view of the police-officer that shifts his weight rocking back and forth on his feet? It's actually a way to make the muscles push up blood through the veigns back to the heart. Preventing blood accumulating in the legs. I hope it might relieve some of the pain, or at least prevent varicose veigns.

mamba

12-11-2005, 07:50 PM

ruaidhri i was just wondering if you had ever had a period in your life whe you just felt really depressed, im not really interested in what caused it but i was just wondering if you did have a period like that in your life, how did you overcome it and keep going?

Loc

12-11-2005, 07:51 PM

Nice of you to take the time to answer all these questions, ruaidhri. :)

Just one from me for now...

Would you say it's better to go travelling and have fun in general as a young person as opposed to getting a job at a young age and working up the ladder and then doing as you like?

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go travelling around the world starting next year or 2007 before I start uni or possibly just take a gap year in between but I'm unsure whether it would affect my education/work. I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether it's worth the experience at a young age or if I should wait until I'm older. (I'm 18 right now).

I've been told it's good to do when you're young and you learn a lot about the world but it's a pretty big decision (for me) to just leave my country for a year or more.

NERD

12-11-2005, 08:07 PM

Thank you for taking your time to answer my question. I'm 22, and I've been contemplating about college and my life after graduation lately, and it scares me. It helps when I can ask someone how their life has been in general, and get an optimistic answer, because I'm an extremely pessimistic person. Never had a easy life, and am wondering if it would be all downhill or uphill from now on. Seems like you've been blessed with your life, and how you lead your life sets a fine example.

Sorry for rambling on, but just wanted to show my gratitude.

ruaidhri

12-12-2005, 02:50 AM

Mamba
If your talking about clinical depression where I had thoughts of suicide the answer is no. However, if you mean a period in my life where I just wasn’t happy and felt displeased with my life, the answer must be yes. I believe that’s quite normal.

When I was a teen in High School I separated myself from all my friends because I found them stealing from my father. For a period of time, I had no friends. I had no one my own age to associate and have fun with. It takes time to make new friends and most of those are mere acquaintances. I realize now I made the correct decision but damn at the time it was hard and I was very unhappy.

When I graduated from High School I became very active in John Kennedy’s campaign for President. That turned my life around. I made new friends and met and had conversations with many interesting people including John Kennedy, Jackie and all John’s siblings. I even went out to lunch one day with John Kennedy’s sister Eunice and Eleanor Roosevelt, Presidents Roosevelt’s wife. I have a lot of memorabilia from that period in my life. Those were some of my happiest days.

A few years following my discharge from military service I discovered that a number of my friends from my politically active days were Gay. This was in the 1960’s and I was not understanding. I couldn’t deal with it and again separated myself from my friends. Again, I was alone with no one close. I forced myself to go out in the evenings. I forced myself to walk up to attractive women and start conversations. It wasn’t easy for me but I did it quite successfully. I even pretended to be a bouncer and checked ID cards only to start a conversation. But none of the people I met were someone with whom I could share my thoughts. Most were one night stands. Again, this wasn’t a happy situation. Then luck again smiled on me and on St. Patrick’s day in 1971, I was standing outside a Pub in Milwaukee when a very attractive young redhead jabbed me in the stomach as she passed to go inside. I thought that was interesting and went in to look for her. We’ve been married now for 34 years and are very, very happy and still very much in love with each other.

As far as the friends that I abandoned because they were Gay. Well, I’m not the same person I was in the late 1960’s. I realized I was wrong and many years ago reestablished the friendships. Today, I believe a person’s sexual preferences are their own business, not mine.

Loc
Hmmm. Difficult question. It’s an important decision. Would you be traveling with someone or alone? How much money would you have? Would you have to seek employment where you traveled? How long would you be gone? How far and where would you travel and for how long? All are important questions for which you must have answers.

You are 18. I don’t know how mature you are at 18. I know I wasn’t mature enough to travel by myself but that doesn’t mean you aren’t. Travel can be exciting but it can also be dangerous. Are you able to recognize and react to danger. Again, that’s important. People do disappear.

Perhaps you could spend some time in a foreign school. That would immerse you in a culture rather than giving you mere impressions.

Consider that school is difficult to return to when you’ve been away for a period. It’s hard to return to studying.

I traveled to Europe in 1967. I was 26 and spent September through most of December in Europe. I traveled with a friend that spoke French, Spanish and German. That really helped. I’ve never been to Africa, the Mid East or Asia. Because I was older, had spent four years in the military, college and work, I was more aware of what could happen and better prepared to avoid and react to pitfalls. I certainly treasure my memories of that journey but I doubt it would have been the same had I been 18.

But, what should you do? I suggest you sit down and write reasons to travel and reasons to continue with school. Put a weight value from 1 to 5 on each reason. Then do the same for reasons not to travel and reasons not to continue with school. This time put a negative weight value on each reason. Be honest with yourself. Total your numbers and find your preliminary answer. Now, you certainly can ignore the results but at least you’ll better understand the advantages and disadvantages of each option.

You are an adult now. You alone are responsible for making personal decisions. Other people will undoubtedly offer you advice. You can take it or leave it. The decision is yours and only yours. Whatever you decide, plan carefully. Don’t walk into anything with your eyes closed be it school or travel.

Nerd
I understand exactly how you feel. My younger son Anders is also 22. He will graduate from college this coming May. He plans to be married in August. That’s scary and extremely stressful.

When I got out of the military and left college I got a good job right away. America was fighting in Vietnam and many young people were not in the job market. If you had a warm body you could get a job. That’s a lot different from how it is today. Today, a college degree doesn’t guarantee anything. You have to make your own opportunities.

Do you have a desired career path? Is there someone from your university that you could talk to about your future employment? Write a plan of action. Know what you are going to do to find a job. List your positive points and understand your negatives. You should absolutely emphasize the positive while finding solutions for the negatives. Smile, stand straight and if nothing else pretend to be an optimist.

Life is always up and down. Heck, I believe if you don’t have any downs it would be hard to recognize and truly appreciate the ups.

My key to success in the workplace was in establishing and completing objectives. I always looked for opportunities to improve operations and reduce costs. When I found one I worked out a plan to make it happen. I made my steps to success small not large. Smaller steps are easier to complete and taken together make large steps. I established time lines for completion and made them happen. It worked for me. Not only could it get you a job it will get you recognized and most likely promoted.

NERD

12-12-2005, 03:24 AM

Ruaidhri, thanks for answering my question. And for your son's marriage, congratulations. My grandparents told me that being able to see their grandchildren grow up was one of the best moments in their life, and hopefully you'll be able to see that. Though I am of the same age as your son, I don't think I'm mature enough to handle such responsibility and commitment yet. Life will definitely be interesting for him.

I do not have a definite career path I desire. I've already changed school/major once, and just want to graduate first, then I'll go from there.

Ideally, I'd love to go to Japan as a JET for a couple of years after graduation, so I can have some time in my hands, instead of jumping into the job market, getting a job I don't like, and end up hating it for the rest of my life. Plus, I could earn enough money to go to graduate school if I think I need more studying, or learn Japanese to see if I can get any job over there. But I got to graduate first.

Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear from someone who lead an interesting life, and have a different outlook of life than I do. I'll try to keep my head up!

erbiumfiber

12-12-2005, 04:10 AM

Ruaidhri, thanks for your kind response. Doing a little math makes me realize that you had your sons a whole lot later (at least the second one) than I had my daughter (I was 24(!) when she was born). Having kind of grown up with her through my 20's and 30's is what's making this hard, I think. I wasn't really my own person for long enough before she was born. And leaving her father when she was 9 months old made me sort of substitute her company for that of a spouse.

Your idea of volunteering at a shelter is a good one- there is an animal rescue that has opened a much-needed branch in Tokyo, perhaps I could make myself useful there.

renegade

12-12-2005, 04:59 AM

Renegade, that was such a rude thing to ask like that. Ruaidhri is one of the, if not the most respected members of OP9.
dont make it in to something that its not.
i dont think i was rude :confused:
i didnt use profanity or anything like that...

anyway he explained, i understood :)

its like the jay thing all over again :p

Roxie

12-12-2005, 05:53 AM

Is that you in your av?! :eek:

You look like a bunch of mischief ;)

Although, you look nothing alike, some how, you make me miss my grandfather, but in a good way. :o

mamba

12-12-2005, 06:48 AM

Wow, thanks for taking the time to answer my question. At the moment im clinically depressed, though i have never really considered suiced or harming myself, it is however fairly serious and is effecting my work. I am however on the path to recovery and have a good support group from my DR. councellor and person in charge of my sudies at university so it will just take time and effort on my part. But it is good to know that it is a common thing to have periods in life when you are not at your happiest. I have alot of admiration for the way you have lived your life and were able to pick yourself up from those times when things werent so great, anyway, all i can do is wish you and your family best of luck for the future, and thank you again for the advice.

FireWolf238

12-12-2005, 06:56 AM

hey, mamba, get well faster. and for me getting completely exhausted works to get better, see if tht helps.

ruaidhri

12-12-2005, 04:08 PM

Nerd
Actually, it appears to me that you are making good decisions. You do have and you are executing a plan. I agree getting your degree is paramount. I also agree that Jet is an excellent transition. It is important that you know what you want to do with your life and to expect everyone to make that decision at 22 is, I believe, unrealistic.

Yes, I again agree that returning to graduate school to better prepare yourself for the career you ultimately select is the correct course. Again, it’s all part of a plan that makes sense.

Erbiumfiber
It’s true, my family has historically had children late in life. My youngest son was born in 1983 and my grandfather was born 129 years earlier, in 1854. My father was born in 1898, the year my grandfather was 44 and I was born in 1941 the year my father was 43. I was 42 the year my son was born. The good part about having children later is that you are better prepared emotionally and financially. The bad part is you can’t be as active and share as much of their and their children’s lives. I never knew my father’s parents as they both died decades before I was born. My mother died almost three years before my oldest son was born in 1979 and my father only four months following his birth. My wife also had older parents and both were gone before our children were born. My sons can’t miss what they never had but I sure do regret my wife’s and my parents missing the joy of being grandparents to our children.

Yes, I believe being closer in age and a single mom did make separation all the more difficult for you. My wife and I and even our younger son could share the longing for my older son when he went to college. That helped.

I’m glad my suggestion regarding a animal rescue is a possibility.

Roxie
Yup, that’s me. And, yes, I definitely try to be “a bunch of mischief.” I like to tease. Just ask my two sons.

I’m honored that I make you remember your grandfather.

Mamba
Anyone that says life isn’t difficult hasn’t lived. I glad that you are seeking professional help. That’s the key to recovery. My wife is a psychiatric nurse working as a case worker in the community. I understand the necessity of seeking help from qualified sources.

You have friends here on OP9 that care about you. Firewolf238’s suggestion has worked for me when I was down. Keeping busy helped to take my mind off my problems. Remember, with OP9 you are never alone.

You are young and life looks so long and sometimes frightening at your age. I always talk about planning because it’s what’s worked for me but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Sometimes, you just have to pretend to be happy and put a smile on your face. Watch a funny movie see a live comedian. Do anything that makes you laugh. When I’m sad, I’ve always found laughing therapeutic.

Remember, if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to write me either here or with a PM. I’ll answer.

Loc

12-12-2005, 05:09 PM

Thanks for answering, I'd be travelling with a good friend, possibly a few. We'd be going around Europe, Asia and America, we have enough money to do it but will probably get jobs there too. I'm guessing we're going to spend about 6 months to 2 years so it will be strange coming home.

I've thought about it and I think we're streetwise and cautious enough to do this without getting into any predicaments. It'll be a good experience and since we won't see each other when we go to university, it'll be good thing to remember.

Thanks again :)

more cheerios

12-12-2005, 06:50 PM

Considering you are the oldest of OP9, I have an interesting question for you.
Do you believe that to be 'well read' you must have a certain amount of life experience? I once had an English teacher tell me that she was far more intelligent than I because I was only seventeen at the time. Though in some ways I will admit she was, there was some topics of interest that I trumped her on. Although, she will probably never admit it because of her ego. d:

ruaidhri

12-12-2005, 08:02 PM

more cheerios
No, I do not believe age is any measure of intelligence. As you get older you acquire more experience but that alone does not make you intelligent. What’s important is how you apply your experience to different situations. Often, older people do things a certain way simply because it’s what they’ve always done. They stop thinking and looking for better ways. They’ve made up their minds and don’t want to try anything new. To me, that’s the opposite of intelligence.

A long time ago I had a friend that had an IQ that was off the charts. He was a most interesting person. During the 1940’s, when he was in the first grade, a Catholic School expelled him because he questioned the existence of God in such a way the Nuns could not answer. When I met him his room was a library with books floor to ceiling, which he had cataloged. You’d be amazed at how fast he could read a book and how much he remembered. When he went to college he was bored. At the freshman undergraduate level, he was more knowledgeable than the graduate students instructing the courses. He reveled in pointing out their errors. Yes, I’m sure they considered him a pain in the ass and he probably was. My friend not only knew the material he could apply his knowledge. In later life he ended up working for the U.S. State Department. Who do you believe was more intelligent, his far older teachers or him? Of course, one doesn’t have to look at so extreme an individual to realize that teachers or even professors are no smarter or dumber than anyone else. They’ve just gone to school longer.

I believe you are the more intelligent because you do not let your ego cloud your judgment.

As a postscript I'd like to add that when this old friend of mine had a daughter of his own he sent her to a Catholic School even though he, himself, was an Agnostic. He wanted her to make her own decisions.

Loc
Looks like you have your trip planned. That’s good. I’m glad you’re not planning on traveling alone and that you do have money for the trip.

If you do plan on working in any country be sure to apply for a working visa before you leave. Also, study the laws and culture of the countries you plan on visiting. You don’t want to made avoidable mistakes and piss of the people or even break their laws.

At this point my best advice is for you and your friend to have a great time and to keep a log of your journeys. When you’re my age the log will help you jog your memory and enable you to recall how much fun you had. Without the log, you’ll remember just the highlights.

Anders

12-12-2005, 08:51 PM

keep a log of your journeys. When you’re my age the log will help you jog your memory and enable you to recall how much fun you had. Without the log, you’ll remember just the highlights.

As hard or stupid as keeping a diary or journal seems, it is a really great idea. After I graduated from high school, my brother and I traveled to Yellowstone Nat'l Park in Wyoming. We spent the time with a friend of my brother who happened to have a summer job in the park. We only spent a total of 3 days out there, but we had so much fun it would be a crime to forget what we did. The day we got back, I started to write about what we did. I tried very hard to include every small detail I could, right down to the look on the guy's face as he dipped a finger into the run-off from a boiling hot-spring.

I never did finish the journal and I now I really wish I had. I'm sure I can read what I wrote and remember enough to finish it, but I doubt I will be able to remember small details like I did when I first got back from the trip.

And just think... You will be entering college when you get back. Chances are you will be able to turn that journal into an easy "A" in a freshman English class.

Loc

12-12-2005, 10:46 PM

Wow, I never thought of that, excellent idea guys, thanks :D
Yeah, I'm planning on doing some sort of English course at uni too, I'll have to get myself a very durable notepad now hehe :p

Roxie

12-12-2005, 10:56 PM

You might also want to purchase a high quality digicam with alot of memory cards (or a card with alot of memory). When you finally settle down, you could do a whole scrap book about it (or have it done for you!)

Save tickets and hotel keys, etc...my parents did this for their cruise and their trip to Paris & London.

fa11en87

12-13-2005, 02:25 AM

What is the meaning of life for you? I'm asking this because I feel like a hamster in a cage. Everything is repetitive and mundane. I'm only 18 and already bored with life, which is very funny since I haven't experienced too much yet. It also seems like schooling takes up ALOT of time in life, especially if one would want to make decent money. And I'm wondering if it is worth it to spend so much of my youth in school.

ruaidhri

12-13-2005, 06:04 AM

Fallen87
What is the meaning of life. That’s an often asked question. Recently there was an excellent thread on OP9 that discussed that very issue. Rather than repeating what I wrote here is a link to the thread.

www.outpostnine.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1207

Life is both exciting and mundane. Yes, sometimes you are like a hamster running and running around a little wheel in a cage never getting anywhere. But then, at other times, life moves so fast that you can hardly catch your breath.

You are 18 an adult and society expects you to be ready to contribute. You probably don’t give a damn about the meaning of life to society as a whole. You’re concerned about your own corner. You want to know what life holds for you. You’re questioning the benefit of school when it chews up so much of your youth.

The answer is that everything has a cost. Life is full of choices. It’s not necessary that you continue with school. The decision is yours. Consider the benefits that school will offer along with the cost of the time stolen from your youth. Compare those benefits with what you could expect if you don’t continue with school. If you believe the cost is too high than find a career path that doesn’t require college. If you believe the benefits derived from college exceed the cost than make the most out of your college years. Regardless, the decision is yours to make.

Kos

12-13-2005, 06:57 AM

I'm asking this because I feel like a hamster in a cage. Everything is repetitive and mundane. I'm only 18 and already bored with life, which is very funny since I haven't experienced too much yet. It also seems like schooling takes up ALOT of time in life, especially if one would want to make decent money. And I'm wondering if it is worth it to spend so much of my youth in school.

As Ruaidhri said, everything in life has a cost somewhere, and education isn't always something that one gets from a specially-labelled building; That said, your education shouldn't be means to an end, rather something that you should constantly strive for.

College offers a significant amount of experiences that are hard to get elsewhere; for many students, it offers a taste of freedom in terms of academic development. Additionally, many freshmen end up finding new interests and talents that they didn't suspect that they possessed. One key thing to remember is that education is, after all, an investment in yourself.

"Learn something new every day, and no day is wasted."

Masa the Masta

12-13-2005, 07:02 AM

Is it better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? I'm serious about this one. Experiencing a few things myself, and I just want an experienced opinion.

Secretly...I was waiting for him to say 47 as the answer of life. ;)

Idlethought

12-13-2005, 02:29 PM

Loving and losing huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts. I personally would have rathered never to have loved at all. But then if I had never loved at all...then I wouldnt be the person I am right now. Hmmmmmmmmm....

Trump

12-13-2005, 03:05 PM

I will say this, after you get over the pain (or at least get used to the pain) having loved and lost makes you feel like a much more complete person.

Idlethought

12-13-2005, 05:09 PM

No...no it doesnt lol Not when youve loved, lost, and have yet to get it back. You actually feel like LESS of a complete person. Like something's missing there.

ruaidhri

12-13-2005, 05:36 PM

Masa the Masta
To have loved and lost is unique to each situation. Sometimes it’s a blessing and at other times you can become physically and emotionally sick, never forgetting and forever grieving.

Time does cure most losses but never erases the pain. It’s up to the individual how they seek and how they react to future relationships.

I certainly have no answer to this curse that has plagued all humans from the beginning of time. All I can say is that life does go on and, if you give it time, happiness will return.

NERD

12-13-2005, 05:43 PM

ruaidhri, would you say the world was a better place in insert random time frame here than it is now? Or is it the other way around, meaning the world is a better place today? It's a bit silly question to ask, but something that bugs me, nevertheless.

Jay

12-13-2005, 06:03 PM

Time does cure most losses but never erases the pain.

Actually, perhaps we're different in that department - I've found that time does erase the pain. I can't say I've lost someone close to me, aside from my grandparents which I don't really remember, and after that I can't really say I've had any drastically-life-altering losses, but I've found that painful situations and memories do become less painful over the weeks and months and years after the event.

On that note, and I'll more than understand if you're not comfortable revealing this - what's been the most painful moment in your life?

FireWolf238

12-13-2005, 06:28 PM

jay: time does not erase the pain, you just get used to it.

Jay

12-13-2005, 06:35 PM

Maybe in your case.

Neon Pink Shoehorn

12-13-2005, 06:40 PM

I think accepting what you can't change gives a certain freedom from pain. I meanl you certainly can't control the other person.

Jay

12-13-2005, 06:48 PM

I like to think that the memories are still there, but they're not as painful, thus the pain must have been finally erased.

Works for me. :)

FireWolf238

12-13-2005, 07:00 PM

the only memories i try to keep are the good ones theymake the pain worth while.
ohh yea, jay, getting used to the pain and when it's memories no longer hurt is the same thing

ruaidhri

12-14-2005, 04:58 AM

Nerd
I’m an optimist. I believe the world and people will get better. I prefer to look into the future to lingering with the past. We can never return to the way it was because our image of the past tends to be one sided, forgetting the bad and glorifying the good.

I remember living in every decade back to the 1940’s. I was a child in the 40’s and 50’s. My memories of those years are implanted with images of my parents, extended family, friends, my own youth and lack of any real responsibility. I miss the people from that time. My parents had me late in their lives. I was born years following my siblings and cousins. Today, with a couple of exceptions, they’re all dead. My parents, my brother, sister, uncles, aunts and all but five cousins on both sides of my family are all gone. If I could go back and visit any time, that would be my choice. I’d love be young again. I’d love to be able to see and talk again to my family. But, that won’t happen so I don’t dwell on it. Instead, I prefer to look to the future.

My earliest memories begin with the end of WWII. I remember the celebration of VJ Day. I remember the “boys” coming home. I remember sending Care packages overseas to the children of Europe. I remember the young veterans working hard by day and then by night hanging around in the bars that Milwaukee had on every corner in every neighborhood. I remember being awakened by the late night screams, singing of songs and fights in the bar across the street from my father’s drugstore. I remember the Police arresting the revelers who sang the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” at the top of their lungs as they were carted off to jail to sleep it off. My neighborhood was blue collar. Most of the returning vets I remember did not take advantage of the opportunity to go back to school on the government’s dime. They took union blue collar jobs and fought hard for their salaries and benefits.

I was older during the 1950’s. They weren’t as nice and wholesome as people prefer to remember. I remember we had teen gangs that fought with clubs, knives and zip guns. Zip guns are home made consisting of a block of wood, small metal tube, rubber band, nail and a cartridge. If they didn’t blow up in the users hand, they were deadly at close range. Other weapons included brass knuckles and bottle openers. The bottle openers were used to tear skin from an opponent. They even threw potatoes with razor blades and nails sticking out. We were always afraid of the communists and a nuclear war. We used to have regular air raid drills where our teachers told us to duck under our school desks and cover our heads. Heck, that would protect us from the A-Bomb, wouldn’t it? In America, we had the extreme right wing claiming that anyone that didn’t agree with them was a Communist, ComSymp or a Pinko, Fellow Traveler or a Dupe. We had the House Un-American Activities Committee and Senator Joseph McCarthy to officially ruin peoples lives by accusing them of being Communists. We had black lists and prosecutors asking questions like “Are you still a member of the Communist Party” and demanding a “Yes” or “No” answer. We had churches preaching against the evils of Rock and Roll (for God’s sake we’re talking about Elvis Presley and Buddy Holly). We had extreme racism, albeit different varieties, in both America’s South and North.

In 1960, I turned 19. I worked on Kennedy’s campaign. I met a lot of people and had lots of fun. With Kennedy’s victory I was very optimistic about my country and its leadership. I entered the military (Coast Guard to save, not take, lives). All that happiness ended with an assassin’s bullets in November 1963. The remainder of the decade is clouded by the war in Vietnam, the protests and even more assassinations. We did, however, have some great Rock and Roll music. Actually, I guess if I had to pick any particular time to return to it would be the early 1960’s. We had such hope and honestly believed we were making a difference.

The 1970’s were Nixon, Watergate, Vietnam, Protests, Ford and Carter, inflation, oil crisis, Iran hostages and stagflation. It also was even more great Rock and Roll music. The 1970’s were also when I met and married my wife and had my first son, Redbeard. I had a lot of fun in the 1970’s but the fun wasn’t because of the times but rather because my wife and I were young and made our own fun.

The 1980’s and 1990’s were spent raising my children and managing my family. They went by so fast as I focused on everything but myself. I spent long hours at work both in the office and at home. I devoted my free time to my sons joining them in all their martial arts, music and other activities.

The Aughts are when I retired. They are today. We fear terrorism. Our government tells us that we will be attacked again. They say the question is not if but rather when. We’re in a War that we started by invading a country that was proven not to possess weapons of mass destruction.

Is it any small wonder that I look to the future for salvation?

Jay
The most painful (sad) memory I have was when my parent’s died. They were always there beside me and then they no longer were. As first I grieved all the time my mind constantly returning to their death. Today, I rarely think about them. But, when I do, the longing for their company and the pain of their loss comes flooding back. No, the pain is no longer so deep as it once was but I still feel great sadness.

My most painful (scary) memory I have was when I was in the Coast Guard and Kennedy was blockading Cuba and we believed war was eminent. I believed we would soon be in a nuclear war and I would probably never see any of my family again. Those were very scary times.

NERD

12-14-2005, 06:11 AM

ruaidhri, to be frank, when I was asking you the question, I was also hoping that you would share some stories from your own life- not only did you do that, you actually did a recap of your life by each decade. What can I say but thank you for answering my question, and that you lead a very interesting life. Hope I can share my 'wisdom' to the next generation someday, heh.

And for the present day troubles- we can only hope it will get better, right?

Jon885

12-14-2005, 09:10 AM

ruaidhri first of all thank you for answering my question about your highschool exerperience. that was an interesting read. i wanted to ask you a second question. I have an adobe reader and I use to be able to exit out of an ebook and come back to where I left off reading before. but now when i open an ebook it goes straight to the cover of the book every time i click on it. this is annoying. i would like to be able to read where i left off. do you have a sollution to my problem? i thought you would know since you seem like a pretty smart person but if you don't know i'm sure you have some tech savvy friends that might know the answer.

thanks in advance for whoever would be able to answer.

Redbeard

12-14-2005, 02:18 PM

Jon885, Ruaidhri asked that I try to give you a hand. I do not personally have Adobe ebook reader (it seems as though they no longer provide downloads of that program, it has been upgraded to Adobe Reader 7.0), though I was able to determine a method to set the preferences in such a way that when you reopen an ebook, it will return to the last viewed page in adobe acrobat reader.

If you select the "edit" and "preferences" menu you will be given a window that has the list of preferences you may change. Go to the "startup" section by selecting it from the left side list. You will see "Reopen Documents to last viewed page: (Select: Marked Files and Ebooks only). Then click "ok". Now when you attempt to close the file it will ask you if you want to return to that page when you reopen the file and you can specify that it will perform that action each time.

Shamu

12-16-2005, 02:22 AM

I have a question.
Did your kids ever get sick alot? To the point that everyone in the doctor's office knew who you were? My daughter has been getting sick ALOT this past year (she is 3 and in pre-school, so that might explain some of it). I just took her to the doctor again today and this is the 3rd time in about 4 months that she's had strep and an ear infection at the same time. Her pediatrician is now talking about putting tubes in her ears and taking out her tonsils, but that really kind of scares me. Not that I don't have faith in the pediatric surgeons and anesthesiologists here in Texas, plus she's had surgery before, but it kind of scares me anytime I think about my baby having to go under the knife. Even for something simple like those proceedures. So I guess my other questions would be, have your kids ever had to have proceedures like that? And how did you handle it? How did you handle it when your kids did get sick? Even just a common cold? And how the heck did you survive when your children were in the pre-school phase/age?!

Pierrot le Fou

12-16-2005, 02:52 AM

I've got two questions for you. Feel free to pass on either or both.

The first question is how in God's name are you so patient? Is it raising teenage boys? Is it just a comfort with the status quo? Is it the belief that you probably aren't going to change much by raising a fuss? You were a political activist of sorts, so it would seem to me that at some point you believed in a little less passive approach to problems (though I could be wrong), but here you're entirely tolerant. Which is pretty-much the polar opposite of what I am. Does this mean I will end up mellow like you in my older age?

Second Q:

You stated that you spent much of your youth hunting for women by finding little other than one-night stands. Obviously your sons probably read that. Have you discussed that with them before? Specifically in reference to your youngest, Anders, who is planning on getting married post-graduation with (what I assume) is little 'extra-curricular activities' of that type beforehand.

I'm on the opposite end, where I felt I had my fun, and having had the fun, I can see the merit in settling down. The comfort and contentedness that comes with a long-term relationship in my mind more than makes up for the varied partners and interesting sex life that I had when single. Obviously you can't comment for how people who got into marriage without that experience think when they get to be your age, but you can at least discuss whether or not you 'regret' (for lack of a better word) your 'youthful indiscretions' in the long-term now that you're happily married.

Annoying MSN Person

12-16-2005, 04:04 AM

I'd go in for the loss one. It's been about 3 months since Dad died, it still hurts like hell. Even writing this is making me cry. At first I was just numb... but all the time I'm realising more how much I have lost. Now I'm leaving home and the constant reminders of him behind, but I just miss him so much. That hole won't be filled. But every situation is unique. One just has to try to find a way to cope. How do I do that when I'm starting a new life on my own?

The Divine Comedy

12-16-2005, 04:11 AM

On death, I once heard that "it sucks now and someday it will suck a less, but it will always suck." I haven't really had anyone especially close to me die, but I imagine it's true.

Pierrot le Fou

12-16-2005, 04:47 AM

You get perspective, that's all. Life goes on. Humans are resilient. You need to rebound, so you do. The event isn't any better, but the way you view it is more healthy, and you have other experiences fresher in your mind, and more things in general to compare it to.

Think of it like a serious injury. You break your leg, and when you're sitting there in the hospital in traction, you think, "My God, my leg is broken, this sucks." Ten years later you may feel an ache because of cold or humidity, but you don't think about how much breaking your leg sucked most of the time, because you have other things to worry about.

Perspective and distance.

ruaidhri

12-16-2005, 02:39 PM

Shamu
Wow! You sure did bring back forgotten memories. Yes, my two boys were sick a lot with colds and ear infections. Yes, they did have constant ear aches. Yes they did have strep throat. And, yes, we did spend a lot of time in the doctor’s office. It helped that my wife is a RN and understands medical procedures. She usually calmed my fears and concerns. Both my boys still have their tonsils. Their doctors generally advised against removing them.

I remember one time when my oldest son (Redbeard) was really sick with a very high fever. He wouldn’t drink any water and was miserable. I couldn’t stand seeing him so sick and so I decided to get him some popsicles. I got him a whole box and let him eat one after the other. Well, his fever went down. I felt real proud of myself. I guess all parents go through the illnesses. We also share them with the kids because when they go to pre-school and later to regular school they bring the plague into the house and to you.

I clearly remember when my boys were three. I loved them dearly but longed for them to grow older. Well, they did and damn fast. People always told me not to blink because before I knew it they’d be grown up and out of the house. They were correct. When you look ahead everything seems so far away. But, when you look back, what happened ten years ago seems like yesterday. My best advice is to not worry. Your experiences are not unique. Your daughter will survive and will prosper. As she grows older she will get over the ear infections and the strep throat. She will develop immunities and she will grow up healthy. Enjoy every moment.

Pierrot le Fou
The truth be told, I have to work at being calm. Sometimes, I have to bite my tongue. I’ve found that an emotional burst of anger accomplishes little usually making situations worse rather than better. At best anger offers but a moment of personal satisfaction. It rarely solves anything and generally tends to prevent meaningful discussions. However, I must admit that sometimes calmness takes a real effort on my part.

You are correct. I was and remain a political being. I enjoy witnessing heated political discussions. I know that neither side is going to convince the other side. Both sides have their mouths open and their ears closed, hearing only the words and not the meaning. I believe I have something to learn from all sides in a discussion if only to better understand why someone would hold an opinion so opposed to my own. I’ve discovered that OP9 has a lot of very intelligent members that can present convincing arguments. I especially enjoy opinions with which I disagree reading them several times to better understand what’s behind their holding those positions.

Maybe working for 36 years in corporate America changed my outlook. I have always been liberal. Most of my co-workers were decidedly conservative. I worked with these people every day and I liked them. I didn’t, however, like many of their opinions. I decided that I couldn’t let their political and social views influence how I otherwise viewed them. I listened to what they said and still disagreed but chose not to argue because there were no victories to win.

Yes, I’ve noticed that you occasionally bristle. Actually, I like that. You put issues back on track, stop foolishness and restore common sense. I don’t believe you are offensive, just direct. You are an awesome debater and that requires that you convince the audience, not your opponent. My objective is more to learn about the other person and why they hold their opinions. I’m not interested in proving them wrong.

Awhile back I left OP9 because I didn’t like the hostility of some of the members. People write things in a forum that they would never say to another person’s face. I wasn’t sure how to react. Then, I decided to not let it bother me. I decided to treat everyone with the same respect especially those that attempted to flame me. If a member writes something that upsets me, I respectfully answer. It’s hard to flame someone that treats you with respect.

Will you mellow when you grow older? Perhaps, but it’s not necessary for you to change who you are.

My boys know that I “had fun” in my time in the military and immediately following. They’re both mature young men now and neither followed in those footsteps. Besides, with all the dangers today from sexually transmitted diseases, the world is not as safe as it was in the mid to late 1960’s, when the key words were “free love”. While I did have several longer term relationships during this period, I was mostly going out by myself looking for company. As I wrote earlier, I was angry and upset about several of my friends from my politically active days choosing a homosexual lifestyle. That just wasn’t acceptable when I grew up in the 1950’s and 1960’s. I didn’t want anything more to do with them. I wasn’t very tolerant. I certainly didn’t understand. Without any friends I found other ways to meet people and have relationships.

When I met my wife my life changed. She was a person I could relate to. She became both my friend and my lover. I have never even considered cheating. Do I believe that my experiences before marriage were instrumental in my successful marriage. No, I don’t. I believe my marriage has been successful despite my playing the field. I’m neither ashamed nor proud of what I did. Actually, I don’t think much about it. I am very happy in my marriage.

Over the years I certainly have resolved my dislike and fear of homosexuals. Today, I don’t care what two consenting adults do sexually. I like the person for whom he or she is outside their bed not within it. I support equal rights and opportunities and oppose all forms of discrimination based on sexual preference.

Godlibubbles
I know exactly how you feel. Losing a parent is like a hole that you feel that you can’t get out of. But, you will. Time does lessen the sorrow. You will always miss your father and feel a ripping at your chest when you remember the love you shared. But, as live goes on, you will have other things to think about and your mind won’t linger on your loss as it does now. As you build your own life you will even be able to once again laugh at memories and be happy for the moments you had and less sad for your loss.

Pierrot le Fou’s comment about “perspective and distance” does apply to everything in life, especially death. As time goes on the pain becomes muted.

I don’t know your family situation but even as you move out of the house maintain contact. They probably need your support as you do theirs.

Trump

12-16-2005, 10:48 PM

Death, perhaps I can provide a unique perspective on death of a close family member. My close family is predominantly Jewish and I thought the customs for mourning were really appropriate to the situation.

My grandfather died about 4-5 years ago and since I only live about 3.5 hours drive away, I went down for the funeral to offer what support I could. The ceremony was very personal and the other customs were designed to help ease the pain. My grandmother was surrounded by friends and family for many days. I believe the custom is that after the funeral, you are not supposed to leave your home. Family and friends bring food and company, and the rabbi even comes to your home to conduct services for that week. Obviously, the whole congregation does not attend, but it still shows that there are others who care for you and your loss. And people try to focus on the happy memories instead of the loss. Yes, the loss is painful, but if every time you think of the loss you also think about the laughter, the fun times, the happy memories you have, the great family and friends who still remain, if you think about those things it becomes much easier to handle. Even just having the more innocent ones around (from young children even to those in their 20s) can trigger comments that make people smile.

So while death is very sad, it can also bring back happy memories that you wouldn't have ordinarily thought about. Keep those close to your heart.

Kustom

12-17-2005, 03:25 AM

One question: how did you end up on that forum?

ruaidhri

12-17-2005, 11:56 AM

Trump
That a wonderful custom. I’m sure it really helps. You were fortunate to have a large extended family, customs and your religion to help you grieve, remember and laugh. I remember a large family funeral I went to in Waterloo, Iowa in the late 1950's. My mother’s oldest sister died and all her children and grandchildren still lived in the community. Her other three sisters lived in Milwaukee and traveled to the funeral. We all gathered at the sister’s house and partied (Irish Wake). One thing I always enjoyed about the aunt that died was her blue language. She always swore. Oh, she didn’t use the really bad words like “fuck,” but “goddamn” and “shit” were always present. Now, considering that my parents didn’t allow me to swear I absolutely loved it when my Aunt Grace did along with her children and grandchildren. While we were remembering and laughing a teenager took his car around a corner on two wheels and sped down the block. Tires squealed and one of my aunts little grandchildren screamed, “Jesus Christ, look at that son of a bitch go”. We all had a good laugh at the comment and thought how much it reminded us of Grace.

Laughing always helps.

Kustom
My son, Redbeard, introduced me to Azrael’s editorials. When the forum started, I joined.

Necromancer

12-18-2005, 05:06 PM

Hello Ruaidhri! I've always enjoyed reading your comments. There are so many words, and so much sense in-between :)

P.S. I've been out for a long time, and now I've noticed that the forum has become different. So my original registration has passed some way to oblivion, have got no choice but to proceed with another one...

ruaidhri

12-18-2005, 10:32 PM

Necromancer
It's great to have you back on the forum. I missed your comments.

MeneerDijk

12-19-2005, 02:04 PM

Ok, i've been doing some hard thinking, and i've found another subject i'm interested in to know from your point of view.

I'm curious how you raised your two boys. You seem to have a good relationship with them now. Was this always the case or did you have quite a few squabbles with them during their upbringing? Did you have a plan for their future? Or did you pretty much let them decide what they wanted to do, and support them in any way they can? How involved were you with their lives? Did you keep your distance, or did you keep tabs on what went on in their lives and heads?

ruaidhri

12-19-2005, 06:27 PM

MeneerDijk
I can answer your question from my perspective but I invite Redbeard and Anders to answer the same question from their own perspectives. I also would be interested in their answers.

I believe I have always had a good relationship with my two sons. Of course, I was their father and when they were little I did on occasion discipline them. That’s to be expected. They were boys, not angels. I don’t remember any major “squabbles” with either of my sons.

I didn’t have a plan for their future but I did have a plan for their childhood. First, I wanted to always be available. Every year while they were in the lower grades I would take a day or two of vacation to accompany each on a school sponsored field trip as a chaperone. I was available to help them with homework and, throughout their school years, I enjoyed going to their games and concerts (both are accomplished musicians). I also enrolled both Redbeard and Anders in martial arts when they were very young. Even today, they remain active in martial arts. I didn’t, as so many parents, just drop them off and come back later to pick them up. I watched them learn the martial arts and saw them punch, kick and toss their partners and be punched , kicked and tossed. I saw them give and receive bruises. I was there for each of their Blackbelt tests in both Karate and Philippine Eskrima.

I worked hard during my lifetime. I was lucky to get and keep a good job. I encouraged both to go away from home for college and I was fortunate enough to be able to pay for their undergraduate studies including tuition, books, room, board and entertainment. Of course both worked and also applied their money for their education. Scholarships also helped. I believe I gave them the opportunity to earn a living and to support a family. With their undergraduate degree, I believe its up to them to use what they’ve learned to make that living.

Both Redbeard and Anders chose their own careers. Of course, I let my opinions be known but they’re adults and make their own choices.

I never kept my distance. I was always interested in what went on in their lives. I never expected that they would tell me everything. In fact, I’ve just recently learned some things from them that would have upset me had I known when they were younger. Today, we can laugh at the stories of deception. What’s important to me is that neither was ever involved with gangs, drugs, or any criminal activity.

Anders

12-21-2005, 04:54 PM

Criminal activity? er.. um Yeah, that's right. we would NEVER do that.

Kass

12-21-2005, 04:58 PM

Shhh! Don't shatter Dad's illusions!

Redbeard

12-21-2005, 08:20 PM

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas Anders, remember that.

Redbeard

12-21-2005, 09:27 PM

"Sorry for the double post)

On MeneerDijk's question and Ruaidhri's reply, I would like to confirm of course what my Dad has said.

I remember him coming along on field trips, I even remember his coming to my kindergarten class and explaining to a group of 6 year olds what a transportation cost analyst does in a fun and interesting way that we could understand.

I also remember spending countless hours with him on my math homework, a subject I really hated at the time. I still think back on the "rule of nines" we talked about at the kitchen table. It's ironic that now I am working on my PhD in Materials Engineering and I use much more complex mathematics on a day to day basis.

I really think that that one on one work with my Father early on was important. He used to show me how to do my simple mathematical calculations on the computer, something I really hated because it meant we would be spending seeming hours sitting in front of the old computer monitor using the function keys. Now I do all my work with computers, assembling ternary phase diagrams, interpretting mechanical properties measurements etc. in Excel.

Our family is quite liberal of course, which is probably readily apparent. If there was ever something that we needed or a problem we needed to work out both Anders and I knew that our parents were there for us and would listen. We may have joked and still do joke about fearing being beaten for having done something wrong but I can't say I was ever worried about that so much as worried about dissapointing my parents. Of course there is a physical reason why I won't lean back in the chair at the dining room table while sitting next to my mother.

There were times that could be regarded as mistakes, like yelling at us in the car while 1000 miles from home on a vacation "If you two don't stop fighting I'm going to turn this car right around and go home!" when both parties knew full well that that was an empty threat. There are other examples I could go into but all of them are just stories that we can laugh about now.

I think you can learn a lot from your own experiences in upbringing as to how to raise your children, but I'm sure that is easier said than done. I think Anders and I turned out allright and I hope I can be as good a father as Ruaidhri was and is to us.

Anders

12-21-2005, 10:55 PM

Ah the fond memories of Dad threatening to turn the car around and go home. You're forgetting the words he used to describe the special drivers that cut in front of him!

Kass

12-22-2005, 12:28 AM

My favorite to use now is "Don't make me stop this car." Of course, my daughter thought it was an empty threat until I really did stop the car, pull her out on the side of the road and spank her. Okay, it was one swat on the butt, but I made my point. ;)

Ruaidhri, what was your favorite line?

Collapse

12-22-2005, 12:31 AM

One practical advice that is sorely needed today?

Thanks for the time :)

c-rex

12-22-2005, 12:37 AM

Please please please tell me how you can be old yet use a computer. I need to figure what makes you able to use a computer and bottle it. I do tech support to pay for college and old people are the bane of exist. My parents also stink at the computers!

Shamu

12-22-2005, 02:16 AM

Thank you for answering my question Ruaidhri!
Sometimes I feel like a bad parent with all the times my daughter is in the doctor's office, even though I know it's somewhat normal for kids her age to get sick alot, it just makes it better to hear from someone else that they went through that with their kids too. :)
I have so many other questions I would love to ask you, but I can't think of which ones to ask right now :p
Oh and Kass brought up a very good question in regards to the parenting thing. What was (or still is) your favorite line?

Idlethought

12-22-2005, 03:11 AM

"Don't make me take off mah belt!"

ruaidhri

12-22-2005, 04:06 AM

I found Redbeard's and Anders memories to be very interesting. Yes, I too remember going to Redbeard's first grade class to explain what I did at work. Actually, I’m not very nervous when speaking before a group of adults but describing my job to small children was, I remember, quite scary. If Redbeard says I did OK, I’m happy to accept that. I know I breathed a sigh of relief when it was over. Today, I find it amazing that I was ever able to help Redbeard with math. My God, this man believes Calculus is easy. Anyway, I did teach him that the computer is a wonderful tool that allows the user to create mathematical models to solve problems. With the model, the user can solve any like problems by just changing the specifics in the problem. Redbeard does this all the time now. While his classmates are laboring to individually solve a number of problems, Redbeard creates the model for the first problem (which initially takes him longer) and is then able to solve each remaining problem in a matter of seconds.

Cars and children. Why do kids always fight in cars? Redbeard is three years older than Anders. Redbeard was always the tallest kid in his class until High School when a number of kids passed his 6’3” frame. Anders was always the smallest kid in his class again until High School when he grew to 5’9”, which is my height. Anyway, Redbeard was always the quiet one while Anders was more the extrovert. When Redbeard was 14 and Anders’, 11, the height difference was perhaps at its greatest. Consider that Redbeard never hit Anders. He was “the good son,” or so we thought. Anders, on the other hand, was always clobbering Redbeard which usually elicited a “why did you do that?”, from Redbeard. I, of course, would get upset and threaten to stop the car, end our vacation and turn around for home. It didn’t take long for them to realize it was just an idle threat. It bothered me that Anders always hit Redbeard. One day I glanced at them in the rearview mirror when I noticed Redbeard reach over and give a little jab in Anders’ ribs. Redbeard repeated this jab a number of times over the next few minutes. Anders who I had just been scolded a few minutes earlier sat stoically trying not to pay attention. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any more any punched Redbeard as hard as he could. Redbeard looked hurt and said, “why did to do that?” I finally knew who was really the “good son.” I believe Redbeard stopped teasing Anders when Anders’ punches started to really hurt.

Kass
My favorite line was “stop right now or I’m going to turn around and go home.” The problem was that I didn’t.

C-rex
The first computer I bought was the old TI. My next computer was an Apple II c which first introduced me to electronic spreadsheets. I was hooked. At work. My company purchased an IBM XT for the department. I monopolized the computer, which wasn’t a problem because no one else even attempted to use it. I wrote algorithms to optimize my options and made the computer really work for me. Soon, I discovered relational databases and the ability to tap into mainframe data. I was off and running. Yes, I was an anomaly as not many people my age embraced computers. Generally, they were afraid that the computers would eliminate their jobs. By refusing to work with the computers many ensured that their fears became fact. Later, after the company placed a computer on everyone’s desk and provided all with email I took on the added task of support for the department. Of course, this was in addition to everything else I did. My biggest problem was trying to get people to think. They wanted step by step instructions on how to do things. They didn’t want to understand what they were doing and how the computer was reacting. They just didn’t want to think. So, if they had a problem, they didn’t know how to solve it without calling me for support. It was very frustrating. I even held classes after work and long before the “dummy” books were available I wrote a basic computer instruction manual in the easiest of terms so everyone in the department could solve their own problems. Well, for many nothing worked. They just didn’t want to learn. It probably isn’t much different today.

Shamu
It’s far easier to look back and give advice on child rearing. It’s not easy being a parent. We all try our best and don’t know if what we do works until it does or doesn’t. I remember an old Bill Cosby comedy routine where he said that parents are interested in justice. They only want peace. There is a great truth in that statement. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I know that from a young age they had me figured out. I simply tried my best, gave them lots of love and respect and hoped I was doing the right thing. I tried to keep them too busy to get into trouble. That also kept me busy. Regardless, what I did worked for me. I guess if there is one thing I believe is the most important its that you have to give respect in order to receive it.

Kass
I just remembered my most used line with both Redbeard and Anders. It was just two words, “Be aware.” I constantly told them to be aware of the consequences of their actions. I believe they learned to hate those two words. Today, I believe they actually try to anticipate the potential results of their actions. I’m sure they’ll say the same two words to their children.

Collapse
Being aware and giving respect if you expect to receive it are what I believe the most practical advice for everyone to live by.

Spaatz965

12-22-2005, 05:13 AM

My biggest problem was trying to get people to think. They wanted step by step instructions on how to do things. They didn’t want to understand what they were doing and how the computer was reacting. They just didn’t want to think.
A little Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance...I've been in IT/IS support a little over 10 years now, and what has always struck me is how people treat computers. For so many, it is this magical mystical box that inexplicably does things. What you seem to have intuitively grasped is, a computer is nothing more than a tool, albeit a sophisticated one. A lot of people can't, or won't, accept the paradigm shift that takes them from uttering vodoo phrases to make their e-mail go to actually understanding the concepts of how computer systems function (and why it is a really bad thing to reply all to a message telling everyone to stop replying to all).

Basically, I've noticed the same thing you're relating here, and I don't think it is any different today. I find myself regularly typing up directions in a very step by step way (with screen captures of every step). On the plus side, doing this type of work has given me a certain level of preparation for handling my 2 and 4 year old children :).

But since this is ask ruaidhri, I suppose there ought to be a question, rather than mere pontification and comiseration...so here it goes.

I've read over and over how workers today, especially in computer related fields, can expect to jump from company to company to have any prayer of advancement. Having had the opportunity to work for one company for the majority of your career, what have you observed as changes in the work force? Are we constantly recreating the "quality" wheel? Has the pace of business changed in the past 30 years? If so, how? There is a "general" statement that attention spans are decreasing, has this changed the quality of work? the work environment? In todays employment climate, for someone who has 10 years of professional experience and a BS, how important would it be for career advancement to obtain an MBA contrasted with 10, 20 or 30 years ago? And above all, how did you manage to balance family and career?

geesh...looking over what I just threw at you, it may be a little over the top. You've been very forthcoming with responses and I don't want to overburden you. Answering this set of questions could easily be a chapter, so please feel free to defer from answering.

ruaidhri

12-22-2005, 01:04 PM

Spaatz965
Those are excellent questions. I'm going to have to work on the answers and I will try to answer by tonight or tomorrow.

I have a seasonal job at Marshall Fields (soon to be a Macy) and I've been working quite a few hours. Believe me I have a newfound appreciation for salesclerks. I thought it would be something different and fun. Well it’s both of that. It certainly isn’t what I did before I retired. I enjoy meeting and talking to all the people but I find it real hard to be on my feet for 8 or more hours. Maybe if I had done it all my life it wouldn’t be so hard but to start when I’m 64 is difficult. Anyway, I’m glad it’s all over following next week. One good thing besides meeting people and doing something different is that I’ve enjoyed a 25% employee discount. I’ve taken full advantage of that spending more money than I’ve earned doing the seasonal work.

I have to be at work at 9:00 AM this morning. It’s now 7:00 AM so I need to think about getting ready.

I will think about my answer while at work. The workplace did change over the 36 years I worked in Corporate America. The results have been both positive and negative.

ruaidhri

12-23-2005, 06:23 PM

Spaatz965
Yes, I do remember screen printing instructions so that a person could follow the examples on the dog eared pages never bothering to care or understand what they were doing. I remember one person that followed his instructions faithfully for a year and then misplaced them. He went into a panic and asked me if I had a copy. I certainly tried to explain how the computer functioned and how they could figure it out for themselves but many just didn’t want to be bothered. Your job certainly does teach you patience.

Actually, I prefer working with 2 and 4 year old children. They want to learn and do it by themselves.

You asked me how the workplace has changed. Before I begin my answer I want to caution that what I write is based off my own experiences and general impressions. Following the military and college, I got my first job from which I retired 36 years later. When I started, my company was a small, 111 year old family owned enterprise with a single manufacturing facility. The offices where I worked were very labor intensive. Computers were mere toddlers. We still used keypunch cards.

Women were secretaries and lower level clerks. Black men were mail messengers and black women, switchboard operators. Most of the people working in the offices were clerks with a very lean managerial staff. The clerks were in an office union that negotiated contracts and “protected” them from management. There was no such thing as political correctness. Jokes were usually insulting to an ethnic or racial group. Women were fair game for the off colored remark or traveling hand. Christmas parties often went overboard with executives chasing young secretaries down the hall. There was a lot of laughing and joking around. It was usually at someone else’s expense.

Managers were older white males. They commonly had a liberal arts bachelor’s degree. We rarely saw the senior executive outside their suites. We used manual typewriters, carbon paper, ditto machines and electronic comptometers that whirled and chunked as they calculated. The work required a lot of employees and many hours of labor. Analysis was done by taking a small manual sampling and extrapolating the results. More time was spent getting the job done than thinking about what you were doing, why you were doing it and how it could be improved.

Those were the “good old days.” Those were the days before personal computers, fax machines, cell phones and beepers. Those were the days before corporate, divisional and departmental objectives. Those were the days when an employee’s only personal objectives were getting to work on time and completing their mundane tasks so that they could return home in the evening.

Then, the workplace changed. For me, the change began in the early 1970’s., with the entry into the workforce of baby boomers (kids born after WWII between 1946 and 1964). Apparently, following the war the men and women in the military had one thing on their minds, starting a family. Mothers generally stayed at home and raised their four-plus kids to be good Americans. Classroom sizes doubled and tripled. Communities built new schools and the kids learned how to think and question why instead of simply following instructions. Outside the workplace, Vietnam was raging and the youth were at opposite poles from the “older generation” or “establishment”, as it was called. The Northern states discovered that they also discriminated against and segregated blacks and other minorities. Women began to demand equal opportunities. Our, federal state and local governments reacted with new laws that created opportunities for minorities and women to seek higher educations and good jobs.

While this was all going on computers were beginning to replace more of the everyday routine tasks previously completed by the mass of lowly clerks in the workplace. Oh, there certainly was gnashing of teeth by those that lost their jobs. But, with freedom from boredom, employees gained personal objectives to build the better mousetrap, generate more income, provide better service and reduce costs. We still used typewriters but Xerox or copy machines had pretty much replaced carbon paper. Electronic desk calculators had replaced the clunky comptometers on our desks. We still had secretaries and still dictated memos and letters. But, we had more time to think about what we were doing. We had one leg in each world, the past and the new. My company was purchased by a large international conglomerate that brought in new, younger management with clear objectives. It didn’t take long for blood baths to begin as the older lower and middle managers were fired while the company reported that our senior executives were seeking other opportunities. Replacements were young and aggressive and wanted their own people behind them. New jobs were professional, not clerical. Clerical jobs began their long descent. College degrees became necessary for almost any job within the new corporation, which now had facilities around the country.

With the 1980’s, inflation, recession and stagflation, the government reassessed the value and cost of regulation. I worked in industrial transportation which was highly regulated. Existing laws allowed carriers to collectively establish rates and restricted entry of new carriers to provide added competition. All rates were published in Freight Tariffs that themselves had numerous rules of application. For example, carriers couldn’t publish rates for one customer without offering the same rates to another. Rail carriers couldn’t publish lower rates on a commodity to a longer destination than they had published to a shorter destination over the same route. If an aggregate of intermediate rates produced a lower charge than a rate directly from origin to destination, than that lower rate applied. Obviously, because of the many, many rules the carriers had to follow, it was common for a good rate clerk to identify overcharges. The rail carriers, facing increased competition from trucks, were going broke while the truck carriers were insulated from competition and allowed to collectively fix rates.

New laws removed the protections of regulation. They allowed large companies to take advantage of their size and location to negotiate better rates with carriers. They encouraged creative rate making. It was at this time that I first began using a personal computer (Apple II c) to prepare electronic spreadsheets to analyze different transportation opportunities. With a single spreadsheet model, I could quickly study alternatives by simply changing origins, destinations, carriers and rates. Later, I even developed an algorithm to find the best alternative with set volumes from origins to destinations along with the carriers’ rates. This was the beginning of my using the computer as a far better tool than a comptometer or calculator, a paper spreadsheet and my best guess.

In my department, I was the Lone Ranger when it came to using the department’s single IBM PCXT. While the other managers and professionals were only slightly younger that I was they didn’t care to learn about computers. They were comfortable with pencil and paper. They enjoyed dictating and having secretaries to do the typing and mailing and filing and organization. The company’s IS Department also wasn’t too pleased with what I was doing. They believed they alone should manipulate company data. They saw me and others like me as a threat constantly charging that we didn’t have careful documentation of everything we did. Of course, they were willing to do what I did on their mainframe computers but they wanted the department to pay them 10’s of thousands to “do it right”. And, of course, the department would have to wait for approval of the project plus systems analysis, development, testing, training and implementation, which usually took a couple of years. Guess who won that battle?

By the 1990’s and the Aughts, Department gurus began to assume many of the functions previously relegated to IS professionals. Much of the IS work, outside of system analysis and development planning was farmed out to consultants that often had years long tenure at a desk down the hall. Other work was sent to a centralized computer center also used by other companies within the conglomerate’s harem. IS became less secure as they were frequently bloodied by the cutbacks (RIF’s) that began with the 1980’s.

There’s no doubt that we are constantly reassessing the “quality” wheel. Focus and expectations change. While computers have allowed us to do more with less they are indeed two edged swords. Each year, employees are constantly pressed to establish new, meaningful and measurable objectives. Change is considered a God even when it’s not necessary or even detrimental. A term that’s been forgotten is “Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken.” Uncompleted objectives threaten jobs and salaries. Stress, today, is ever present unlike any previous time I can remember. Even with all the wonderful computerized tools available today, many employees work ungodly hours with a constant knot in their stomachs. Are they burned out? Absolutely! Does this affect their ability to retain information? Certainly! They have information overload not attention deficit. Has this affected the quality of work? I believe it must. I know I made mistakes when I was understaffed and overwhelmed.

The good news is that following my retirement and my release from everyday stress, my ability to remember returned. I no longer had to write everything down if I wanted to recall it 10 minutes later.

I have always been perplexed by the logic of advancements. I wonder why some people get the nod while others slave away doing the work without the recognition. Often, I believe the key is being liked by those above. Also, there definitely is the opinion that someone outside the company would somehow be better than anyone within. I believe, part of this is caused by the fact that the 1980’s and 1990’s RIF’s eliminated the younger and older employees leaving a large mass of people of the same basic age all destined to retire about the same time. Companies needed new young blood. Competition forced companies to offer better jobs to the incoming employees at the expense of those already at their desks. These new younger managers did the same thing the new managers had done in the 1970’s. They brought in their own people, which even further reduced advancement opportunities for existing employees.

My nephew is an IS senior level manager at a large corporation. He is in his late 30’s and has a bachelor’s degree. At this point in his career, I don’t know if a Master’s would provide many new opportunities. It probably wouldn’t hurt his prospects outside his existing company. I expect that a company recruiting new senior level employees would favor someone with both experience and a Master’s Degree.

The workplace changed many times over my work career. I always tried to place my family over my career. I considered why I was working and what I would lose if I ignored my family. At the end this became very difficult as our staff was constantly reduced and expectations increased. I came in to work early and left late. I brought work home and often worked late into the night. I put on weight, had stomach problems and was constantly afraid I forgot something or made a mistake. When my company was again sold they offered existing employees over 58 the opportunity for retirement with 5 years added to their retirement credit. I jumped at the opportunity. That was 3 ½ years ago and I couldn’t be happier. In retrospect, I must say that computers, while a wonderful tool, are more a curse because while they give us access to information, employers often expect too much and we can easily become overwhelmed.

I certainly was lucky to have worked at a company with a traditional pension, profit sharing and 401K. I was fortunate to have stayed with my company for 36 years in order to build up the amount of my pension. Life was different when I started. I don’t know what I’d do today if I were 25, 30 or 35 again and offered a better job at another company. I’d probably go but I’d look at more than position and salary. I’d look at staffing, expectations, opportunities for further advancement and how much time I could expect to spend with what’s most important, my family.

Trump

12-23-2005, 07:35 PM

Wow, I haven't even been working long and I still see many of the changes you talk about. I'm only 27, and I've been working at a large defense contractor for the past 3.5 years. One of the biggest changes I've seen is about the pension plan. When I started, we were under a defined benefit plan but just now, well in another week, all new employees will come in under a defined contribution plan. The company is struggling with the fact that they have a large number of employee close to retirement. I have seen several waves of layoffs and while they haven't outwardly targetted older people we know that they will fire every older person they can justify (to avoid law suits). I feel badly for some of the people I know closer to my age who were caught up in that. I'm sure several were fired for the numbers instead of performance, so the company could say "see, it wasn't just old people we fired". But I wouldn't say it is completely about hiring new people. In a recent job interview, I was passed up because upper management wanted to keep the job inside the company instead of hiring someone from outside (I think I really impressed the manager I interviewed with and he even told me that he thought management was making a big mistake). However, what you said about people liking you is absolutely correct. If people like you, you will advance more quickly, you will get better opportunities, and just live a better life in general. The world is terribly complicated.

Spaatz965

12-24-2005, 01:13 PM

ruaidhri,
Thank you for your response, it was more than I expected and gave a lot of good information to mull over. :)

Especially your comments on stress and balancing work and family have sparked some introspective questions for myself, things I need to answer before I embark on any life altering changes (education and/or career).

Again, thank you for your response. Here's wishing you a very merry Christmas (or holiday of your choice) and a happy New Year. :)

ruaidhri

12-26-2005, 03:16 AM

While, there still remains a few hours of the Christmas holiday and regardless of what you believe or don't believe, I wish all OP9 members and readers happiness, prosperity and longevity. Much of the message of Christmas is a promise of peace, forgiveness and a new beginning. That, I believe, is a desire shared by everyone without regard to their particular religious belief. So, to the devoutly religious Christian and followers of all the world’s religions as well as to those that don’t have faith in any God, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Ruaidhri

Roxie

12-26-2005, 04:04 AM

will you ever love anyone as much as your first real love?

ruaidhri

12-26-2005, 10:14 PM

Roxie,
Absolutely! The first love is only special because it is the first, not because it was, necessarily, the best. Actually, we’ve all had a number of first loves. There was the first time we thought kissing wasn’t “icky”. Then, there was that actual first kiss where both you and your partner got excited. Next, was your first time “making love,” which is different from “having sex.” And, of course, let’s not forget the first time you were intimate with another human being where you truly shared your life living together, sleeping together and sharing life’s joys and tribulations. All were firsts. None, necessarily, were the best.

Which love was the best? I believe it’s the love that made you the happiest. For me that is my last love, my wife of 34 years. I was 29 when I met her and she was a mere 22. Today, we’re far older but no less in love. I’ve never been happier. We’ve never lost that spark that makes our love special.

neochikara

12-27-2005, 04:27 AM

Let me start by expressing my gratitude to you, Ruaidhri, for spending time on this forum, freely talking about your opinions, history, ideas, and offering advice to anyone and everyone. It's things like that that really reestablish my faith in the public, in general. I would have to agree with you that the people and frequents of OP9 are some great people.

Anyway, if I may, I'd like to ask you a question. That is, have you ever felt (perhaps more-so in your younger years) like your life had stopped being interesting--"boring"? For me, though nothing is "terrible" in my current life, events, people, and words just seem to blur into one large mass of monotony. It's to the point where waking up in the morning, and getting ready for a day of classes is a question of "Why?". I'm not depressed, I just don't think there's much to call "highlights" in my life right now. What's your take on this, and possibly some advice?

Thanks!

Necromancer

12-27-2005, 04:51 AM

My biggest problem was trying to get people to think. They wanted step by step instructions on how to do things. They didn’t want to understand what they were doing and how the computer was reacting. They just didn’t want to think.

Ruaidhri, I admit that's quite frustrating when you explain certain things over and over again, but no one seems to learn from it. They prefer to call you every time and make a particular issue solved by your hands instead of using their own. If you get sick of explaining, they respond typically in the following manner: "Whassup man? Isn't that your job?" Like I have no other tasks to do, just keep staring at the ceiling and smoking weed. Dammit.

“Don’t break it if it isn’t broken.”

Ehm... "Don't fix it if it isn't broken."

ruaidhri

12-27-2005, 02:04 PM

Necromancer
Ooops! You’re correct. I meant to say “Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken.” Thanks for the correction. I’ll edit my comment.

Yes, you are also correct that it is especially frustrating when people believe that your expertise with computers excuses them from thinking. Suddenly, their problem with refusing to think becomes yours because you aren’t thrilled to help them.

Neochikara
Thanks for the compliments. I truly appreciate your kind words. If there is one thing that age has taught me it’s that we can solve most of life’s problems ourselves if we take the time to understand the issues involved and what we truly want.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I was there. After I finished my military obligation in the mid 1960’s, I went through a period of boredom where I just didn’t believe my life was going anywhere. It wasn’t that I was depressed or unhappy with life. I simply missed excitement and believed that the years were speeding by too fast and I had nothing to show for it. I felt I was simply along for the ride.

I forced myself to get out and meet new people. Even when I was exhausted from working, I would come home, take a shower, change my clothes. “become a new man” and socialize. I overcame my resistance to walking up to complete strangers (especially attractive women) and starting a conversation. In the process, I became more at ease about myself and I had a lot more fun. Life changed in the direction I wanted.

Don’t worry. You are in control. Currently, you are in school where the routine of study and classes have gone on for most of your life. Of course, you’re bored. Look around the campus for something, anything, outside of what you’re currently doing. Get involved in something interesting. Meet some new people. Plan something and make it happen. Prove to yourself that you, not fate, are in control of your life.

Roxie

12-27-2005, 07:52 PM

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." :p

neochikara

12-27-2005, 11:10 PM

Thanks for your quick response! I will definitely keep your advice in mind. There isn't a whole lot I can do around where I live (small town--everyone knows everyone), but I believe I can definitely try something new. Things that come to me first, that I could definitely, plausibly do, are things like taking some new classes (that I enjoy) at my local community college. Just doing that would probably lead to trying new things, learning interesting things (well, there are interesting things I learn at daily classes, I suppose), and meeting all kinds of new people across different age groups. I'm going to look into this.

Which brings to mind another question, if I may, which is sort of related, but why do you think that, on occasion, guys can find themselves being better friends with girls (meaning talking about more personal things--love aside) than guys? The friendship bonds between guys and girls seems to differ quite a bit. What's your thoughts on this?

Once again, thanks for your time and answers.

ruaidhri

12-28-2005, 01:46 PM

Neochikara
Your question is: Is there a difference between how men and women respond to emotional issues? It’s easy to stereotype. I believe on the average men are more linear in their solutions to problems while women explore more the “why” not just the problem and available solutions. But, not all women are easy to talk to nor are all men unwilling and unable to discuss emotional issues with true concern and understanding.

From your profile, I’ve noted that you are a 17 years old young man. It’s been my experience that at your age most young men are trying to establish their independence and masculine identity. They don’t want to be vulnerable in front of their peers that often consider open displays of emotions a sign of weakness. When, like everyone, they have emotional problems they would rather hide and ignore them than open themselves up to potential ridicule. But, like any other problem, emotional issues need resolution.

Now, I was never a young woman. I don’t even have a daughter’s experiences to fall back on so I’m sort of winging it with my following comments. I believe girls and women don’t fear weakness the same as boys and men. They recognize that everyone has emotional needs. Normally, I believe women are easy to talk to because they are not as as judgmental and find it easier to empathize. Does that mean all women are good counselors and all men could care less? Of course not! I believe it just takes a little longer for most men to worry less about their image and more about their humanity. Ever go to an emotional movie? Young guys laugh while old men attempt to hide the tears they wipe from their eyes. Old men recognize that emotional issues are real problems and understand the pain involved. Yet, because they’re men and supposed to be strong, they still attempt to hide their vulnerability.

When it comes to friendships, I agree that friendships between opposite sexes are very different. Mostly, I believe they allow men to open up without concern for their own identity.

neochikara

12-30-2005, 12:55 AM

Alright, thanks for that insight as well. I gotta hand it to you, Ruaidhri, your answers really speak to me. I mean, I'm accustomed to helping out and offering advice to other people, but when I'm the subject recieving the advice, it's a pretty cool feeling. If this is what the people I help feel like, well, haha, I'm going to continue doing so!

Anyway, right, thanks again for your great answers to a couple questions. May your luck in life continue and good health follow you.

Kusoyaro

12-31-2005, 10:13 AM

HEY!!! How are you guy? Goo, obviously, you're smiling in your picture. (My form of) Logic dictates then that you must be fine. I have a question, it's a bit of a dillema, really. I have this superclose friend, and I'm SURE he's a neo-nazi (supporter in the least), which is really wierd because he doesnt mind me much and he's a supernice guy. Plus, it's almost impossible for me to stop seeing him and disassociate myself with him for reasons that are a bit complicated (we're almost like brothers). He bashes all non-aryan races, even when I'm there, yet has so many friends who are not germanic (his preferred race, like my favourite tea is Earl Grey. Trivially presented), who all know he's racist. He's REALLY nice, though, or otherwise I'd just fuck him up or leave him alone. While he does bring up valid points about certain things, he is extremist in most beliefs.

I can keep on going, but basically, there are three parts to this problem:
1) He's a Neo-Nazi
2) Everyone knows, he knows they know, yet nothing changes because of his other over-endearing qualities
3) It's starting to piss me off a little.

Whadya think?

whispering

12-31-2005, 10:25 AM

:eek: Kusoyaro, where have you been?

Kusoyaro

12-31-2005, 10:48 AM

:cool:
I've been on a quest.
Actually, it was work, then a few deaths, and finally uni shit.
I'm back though, hopefully contribute a tonnage of inane bullshit.
As usual.

Thanks for the welcome. i send good vibes you way. Or at least to your name. And Finland, the land of Conan O' Brien lovers.

whispering

12-31-2005, 10:56 AM

I'm back though, hopefully contribute a tonnage of inane bullshit.
As usual.
Looking forward to it ;)

Thanks for the welcome. i send good vibes you way. Or at least to your name. And Finland, the land of Conan O' Brien lovers.
You wouldnt believe how much fuzz he caused in the press here, haha. Conan <3

ruaidhri

01-02-2006, 03:47 PM

Kusoyaro
You have a very interesting dilemma that doesn’t present a happy resolution.

Personally, I support understanding and appreciating everyone’s viewpoint. From your question, I gather that you are trying to find the nice in what is otherwise evil. You are hoping that somehow the good balances out the bad. The facts are that your friend supports a neo-nazi philosophy of hatred, which is something you obviously abhor. While you identify your friend as a really “nice” person that happens to be a racist the truth is that he needs to hate others to make himself feel superior. I’ve found that if you look hard enough to find the good and choose to overlook the bad you can convince yourself that anyone is essentially a nice person. But, sadly, you’ll soon discover that you’re only fooling yourself.

Of course he is going to have mainstream opinions on certain subjects. I’m sure that we all could find something with which we agreed with Hitler even if it were nothing more than what type of jam we preferred on our morning toast. That fact that you share a belief with your friend on something does not in any way validate or mitigate his philosophy of hatred. He is what he is. And, you, by associating with him, will find that others will associate you with his extremist viewpoints.

So, what do you do?

You’ve already recognized that he is a Neo-Nazi. You don’t share his hatred. It’s beginning to really “piss you off, despite his somewhat compensating “endearing qualities.”

More exactly, you’re asking me what I would do if I were in the same situation. I would write down everything I like and everything I dislike about him and his philosophy. I would also clearly define my own opinions regarding the issues on which I most vehemently disagree. Then, I would meet with him and explain to him that I like him as a person but do not share, nor appreciate, his need to hate and to feel superior. I would tell him that what he is doing is driving his friends away from him. I would ask him to reexamine his own philosophies and to learn to appreciate and welcome the diversity of other races, religions and cultures.

If he were actively hostile, or even not responsive, I would disassociate myself from him regardless of how nice a person he was otherwise. It’s hard to lose a friend. But, a person that holds opinions that different from your own is not a true friend.

Kusoyaro

01-03-2006, 06:15 AM

Thanks for the help, man. I sort of thought about it and decided to shed my6 passivity, and, while reading your reply, became convinced, or at least strongly persuaded, to talk to him. i'm meeting him TOMORROW (OH GOD), and I'll have a chat with him and whatnot. I'm sort of reaching the point in my life that I cannot ignore, like I have always done in the past, opinions and traits which are radically different from my principles.
I'm pretty sure I won't chill with him again, which is pretty fucked up because he's almost literally family. Get-togethers and parties I'll have to see him though.
Damn, it would be so much easier if he just STOPPED, but that only happens in Disney movies.
Later, and thanks a lot, really, for the advice (I'm one of those loser kids who listens to peoples advice).

FireWolf238

01-03-2006, 07:48 AM

It’s been my experience that at your age most young men are trying to establish their independence and masculine identity. They don’t want to be vulnerable in front of their peers that often consider open displays of emotions a sign of weakness. When, like everyone, they have emotional problems they would rather hide and ignore them than open themselves up to potential ridicule. But, like any other problem, emotional issues need resolution.

that is very true, back in HS last year me and my freinds all had pretty big problems coming down on us, everything from academic pressure(my HS defines academic pressure) to our failure with relationships and getting the vournable scams we all did busted. however even though we knew what was going on we never even discussed the general theme of our problems together. I did discuss some of my problems with my best female friend because i trusted her enough, but locking myself up the way i did then was utterly exhausting.

ruaidhri

01-03-2006, 03:22 PM

Kusoyaro
I appreciate your reply.

You are not a loser! You never were and I don’t believe you every will be.

You care about yourself and you care about others. That’s a winner in my book.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost 65 years it’s that success is largely a matter of attitude. My suggestion is to always seek the active, not the passive. Make opportunities for yourself instead of waiting for something to happen.

I’ve read your posts. I know you’re intelligent and capable of great success. It’s up to you to make it happen. Don’t just think about it, do it! Develop a workable plan of action and carry through on your plans.

FireWolf238
Thanks for your comments.

High School is definitely a difficult time in most everyone’s life. A lot is expected at a time when emotions are especially high and there appears to be no one you can talk to about how you feel. While it may not seem so at the time, High School is but a fleeting hiccup in life. The key is to not bottle emotions inside you. Find someone to talk to. Your problems are not unique. Generally, they are shared by all teenagers. Most importantly, regardless of your age, there are always people that will listen and there are always people that can help. I'm glad that you discovered this for yourself.

paul

01-03-2006, 05:59 PM

Most importantly, regardless of your age, there are always people that will listen and there are always people that can help. I'm glad that you discovered this for yourself.

We had a motivational speaker from Hawaii or something come to our highschool (in canada), and this is the point he stressed the most. Another one is, if you see any of your peers that need help, try to do so.

Although i realize the importance in this fact, I can't help but to ignore it, most of the time. When I look at my parents, who are very strong people, and their struggles in immigration with no relatives or friends to help them, just for their children, I can't help but to think I'd have to be strong as well. So I mostly keep all my problems to myself and try to help out my friends when they need it. Of course, I don't have any major problems of some of the examples given by the motivational speaker, but I still do not feel like burdening people with my own problems when I know they have similar things to worry about.

ruaidhri

01-03-2006, 08:29 PM

Paul
Obviously, you were born into an independent family with a strong will to survive and prosper. You’re fortunate that your parents were able to overcome their problems and give you a good life. I know you realize that life isn’t always easy and for some it’s harder than for others. True, sometimes it’s the hard knocks that make a person strong and self sufficient. But, it’s also true that there is often an easier and far less painful course of action that’s equally effective.

Everyone has problems. Everyone has emotional issues. We all benefit from talking through our problems. Consider that when you ask someone to listen to you you’re also helping them because they are also searching for solutions to their own problems. Remember that we live in a society both within and outside our families. Societies depend upon the interaction of individuals. Without interaction we’d have anarchy and a lot of very unhappy people.

My point is that you would not be burdening others by discussing your problems and asking their opinions. Asking for help is not a weakness. It’s smart because it’s seeking the easier course. Always remember that people like to help each other. It gives them a good feeling. It also offers you a different perspective and a possible solution you overlooked.

ruaidhri

01-03-2006, 08:43 PM

EVERYONE
Sometimes this open forum is not the proper venue. Sometimes, you may not want to share your questions. If you find yourself in that situation and would like my viewpoint you may PM your question and I will answer directly to you without the public display on OP9.

I certainly do not pretend to be a certified or trained counselor. I am just another human being that has lived a longer life than most people on OP9. I am willing to share what I have learned with you. If you have very serious problems and have considered harming yourself, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. I will tell you if I believe I do not have the knowledge to offer sound advise. I believe that life is far too precious to take risks.

ruaidhri

01-05-2006, 02:04 PM

One thing I’ve noticed a lot on OP9 is the number of young people that view themselves as losers. That distresses me. Where do they get that idea? Everyone is different. Because one person excels doesn’t mean all other are failures. Because you are not great in sports or academics doesn’t mean that you are a loser. I’ve met a lot of people in my 64 years. I’ve met people with high degrees and no degrees. I’ve met athletic sport stars and couch potatoes. I wouldn’t attach the label of “loser” to anyone.

So, my question to anyone that considers themselves a loser is: Why?

Benaire

01-05-2006, 02:59 PM

Perhaps calling yourself a loser will get you positive attention from other. Perhaps they really do have low self esteem.....

Perhaps there just EMOs I do believe we all get into a funk at times and posting your problems lets you share the load sometimes.

p.s. Oh I think your being really generous with your time Ruaidhri and what i have seen doing a top notch job. I salute you =)

paul

01-05-2006, 04:48 PM

I think its that whole mentality
"introduce myself as a loser, and if they find out I'm a loser, then calling me a loser will not affect me as much"?

which is similar to, say trying something new and saying "I'm going to suck" before doing it.

I dunno, thats what I think. I'm personally very confident.

As to why they think of themselves as losers? I say blame the media and the projected image of "non-loser-ness". Things are different now than when you were a teen, ruaidhri.

Kass

01-05-2006, 06:30 PM

^It isn't *that* different. Yeah, the images of coolness/hotness/in-crowd/whatever are different, but it is pretty much the same game, different uniforms.

paul

01-05-2006, 06:33 PM

Yea, I guess, but now its alot more... I dunno how to say it, corporate.

Trump

01-05-2006, 09:07 PM

Hm.... losers. I think there is a stigma with computers where people who spend a lot of time on their computer (to the expense of other things) are labelled losers. Since many people on this forum fit into this category, I can see why they call themselves losers. There is a fine line though between spending your free time in front of the computer as a hobby vs. spending ALL of your time in front of the computer to the extent you feel your social life is lacking, your room is a mess, your grades are falling, etc. I think many people who call themselves losers are not.

FireWolf238

01-05-2006, 09:41 PM

i believe that the literal definition of a loser is the correct one; a loser is one who atempts something and fails too often from personal fault. a person might care only about their computer life, by wasting all day on it they are not being a loser. sure i don't aprove of a lifestyle like that but that's a personal decision. if however tha person decides toget a life but does nothing about it, they become qualified as losers.

Roxie

01-06-2006, 04:06 AM

One thing I’ve noticed a lot on OP9 is the number of young people that view themselves as losers. That distresses me. Where do they get that idea?
I think this idea comes from the heavy projection of people who are the exception and not the norm. It's an American thing. In entertainment and news it is always about these people excel incrediably and there's always the underlying message that "YOU can do it too! Btw, why haven't you done this? :bored:"

People don't know what average anymore. I mean, everyone should try and be their best, but even after doing all you can do it can feel like it's not enough.

My boyfriend thinks he's a loser. He's going to school, living on his own, has his own car & cellphone, has a woman he's head over heals for :wave:, and works a 40-50 hour week. But he feels he's a loser. He says, this is the way he movitvates himself!! :bang: HUH?

I tell him what he's doing is what people who want better do! What else does he think he should be doing??

ruaidhri

01-06-2006, 04:30 AM

Thanks for your replies.

I’m beginning to understand a little bit more about today’s youth. That’s good! I’m still learning.

Each person that responded to my question shed another light on the answer.

Benaire
I agree. I’m sure that everyone at one time or another has made a self-depreciating remark hoping that someone will refute it. We humans do need praise even if it comes in the form of denial. True, we all have experienced a funky period in our lives where airing our problems and self doubts is somewhat cathartic. Still, the term “loser” has such a finality about it that it implies no hope, which runs counter to my very philosophy of life.

Paul
Perhaps, you’re correct. If a person declares they are incapable then no one can blame them for failing. Calling yourself a loser then becomes nothing more than a defense mechanism.

Yes, our society today does celebrate success and overachievement. Success dictates that you must get high grades, you must be a sports star and you must get the girl or the guy that everyone else wants. Competition is fierce and those out of the running are not even worth mentioning. Those on the honor roll are applauded while those that work twice as hard to simply pass are ignored. Those that simply play the game are the team while those that excel are the stars, the heroes. They are the winners.

Sometimes I believe “corporate” should be a four letter word. It certainly takes the person and compassion out of everything.

Kass
You are so correct. When I was a teenager things weren’t so much different from how they are today. We wore different clothes, combed our hair different and entertained ourselves with different toys. But, underneath we were pretty much the same as teenagers today. Every generation believes they are unique. That’s probably because they weren’t around to see what it was like when their parents and grandparents were teenagers.

When I was a teenager we didn’t have any more direction than today. We certainly didn’t have computers. Don’t worry, we found other ways to waste our time and avoid homework and other responsibilities. We had the same identity problems evident today. However, what I do believe is different is the amount of pressure on today’s youth to excel. It’s understandable that those that don’t meet society’s expectations might consider themselves losers.

Trump
I understand your point. Many of today’s youth that call themselves losers may simply be parroting what others call them. They have surrendered their lives to computers and therefore believe they have no life. They are the computer geeks that instead of competing give up and use their computer as an excuse to drop out of the race for success. When I was a kid we used to hang out on street corners and get into trouble. Yes, we used to have gangs when I was a kid. In fact, my own father used to tell me about the gangs when he was a teenager back in 1911. One important distinction, however, is that although we used to fight we didn’t kill each other. A murder in the city was front page news for many days.

Firewolf238
There are many ways to describe a loser. I understand how failure to succeed could prompt some to view themselves as losers. Personally, however, I applaud someone that attempts to change their life regardless of whether they are successful or not. The key is to not give up. The old saying is very appropriate, “If at first you fail to succeed, try, try again.”

Roxie
You’re right. Your boyfriend is definitely a winner.

If you couldn’t already tell, I’m an optimist. For me, the glass is always half full. I believe the people on OP9 are pretty awesome. They certainly are not losers by any definition of the word. It’s not necessary that success be the same for everyone.

My aversion to the word “loser” may simply be because I fail to appreciate that to today’s youth it doesn’t suggest the same abject failure it did to my generation.

Benaire

01-06-2006, 04:57 AM

Perhaps its cause the word is over used it loses some of its potency like in many cases swear words today have such a lesser effect now then when i was a kid.

While many things are the same with all teenagers no matter which generation. the world changes so fast.
The enviroment around us is so different from communication, social expectation and culture. There are so many factors that change us and mold us to who we are today. Media and the general acceptance or certain views are so different now.

I believe that one of the biggest factors would be that our ability to communicate and share information. This has lead to using this new power to share unreasonable expectations or to influence people in ways that are not always benign ways.

ruaidhri

01-12-2006, 01:50 PM

Benaire
True, many words today don’t have the same impact they used to hold. In many ways, we live in an upside down world where people use words to convey meanings opposite from the word’s original definitions, for example bad is good and sick is neat.

I believe many people define computer users as losers because they substitute their computer screen for real human contact. Their social skills are virtual not physical. They prefer anonymous and solitary electronic interactions where they have no fear of rejection. On line they are all 10 foot giants. What’s especially revealing is that some even revel in their self depreciation and consider their status special and positive.

We certainly live in an interesting world where there are so many people it’s difficult not to trip over each other. Yet, so many people have difficulty with face to face interactions. They are fraught with self doubts and hide themselves in full view of their monitors where everyone is truly equal. There, they are free to be themselves both good and bad. Gender doesn’t matter, looks don’t matter and, at least in my case, age doesn’t matter. Forums such as OP9 are humanity’s true democracies. Still, even here, people wallow in their insecurities.

We do live in a far more global environment than was evident in the 1950’s. Many do not consider it acceptable to merely be average. They believe that to be counted one must be superior. I believe the difference between then and now is this pressure on today’s youth to excel. What’s interesting is that if we classify everyone superior then aren’t we confusing superior with average. But, of course, not everyone has the ability or the drive to stand out from the crowd. Instead they reject society’s high expectations and accept their loser label. For them, it’s far easier to just drop out.

What is the answer? Which group is going to live the happier life, the super achievers or the “losers”? I know from personal experience that the high pressure of constant external and internal competition to get and stay on top is exhausting. You are constantly on edge fearful that you’ve forgotten something or, worse yet, made a mistake. It’s never what you did yesterday but rather what are you doing now and what you will do tomorrow. Are the extra amenities of a higher income and greater status adequate compensation? Perhaps, it’s the “losers” that have the correct formula for happiness. Maybe, they are the actual winners.

This brings another question for the forum. What would make you happy?

Idlethought

01-12-2006, 03:17 PM

Hey Ruaidhri, I got a question for you. But before I ask this question I have to give you a story relating to this question. The story's still fresh, just happened last night.

So I'm sitting in our computer room trying for like the 30th time to fix my PC and I'm sitting there for a few hours as I have before and its frustrating me. Alot. On top of that I had just come home from a long day at school and I was exhausted, didn't wanna deal with frustration so I was pretty much a whiny bitch about it. Didn't succeed at what I was trying to do so I was on the verge of saying "Fuck it. Just fuck it all." as I have many times before. So I'm bitching to my father about how the situation is going and hes like "keep at it man, don't just give up so easily" and I'm like "i've BEEN at it for a good while now, I'm tired of it! It's not worth the frustration." And my pops proceeded to trivialize my frustration, and quite possibly any frustration that I've had to date. He told me a story about diligence and perseverence. He said to me "You know that guitar of mine down in the basement? Do you know how I got it? When I was younger, and I wanted that guitar, I had to hump boxes every day from thanksgiving to christmas. Now this guitar was selling at Macy's, that was on 48th street. My job was on 32nd street. Every day during my lunch break, which was only 30 minutes, I would run to Macy's and put down $10 on my guitar. And I would run back to work and be back ON TIME. I did this every day until I was able to buy that guitar." How do you compete your stupid ass teenage angsty frustration against shit like that? lol He also told me another story, I'll type it up if you want just lemme know. But heres my question.

As a father have you ever told stories to make your sons' frustrations feel about as significant as 1 flea in the Solar System? Cause like honestly, he told me these stories last night. I'm still feeling the effects. I mean, I can't complain. I'm physically unable to complain anymore. Theres nothing I can say where my pops will honestly be like "oh wow youre goin through some shit aint you". Theres always something he can top that with.

01-12-2006, 03:33 PM

Ruaidhri, if you fought Sean Connery in an unarmed brawl who would win?

edit: corrected for spelling

ruaidhri

01-12-2006, 06:55 PM

Delen
I’m 64 years old, 5’ 8” tall and I weigh 158 pounds having just lost 80 pounds on a diet. Sean Connery is 75 years old 6’2” tall, weighs 196 pounds and appears pretty physically fit. I’d put my money on Sean Connery; wouldn’t you? But, none of that makes any difference because I have the classic movie star good looks.

Idlethought
Everyone has challenges in their lives, some more significant and rewarding than others. I do not believe, however, that frustration is in anyway relative to the reward. Often it’s the little things that bug us the most. We get angry with ourselves and the angrier we get the less we see and the more likely it is that we will fail to solve the problem.

Personally, I don’t believe in trivializing anyone’s problem because first it doesn’t help and second because it’s a put down. I’ve found that the more frustrated I become the less capable I am of actually discovering a solution. Throughout life you’re going to face frustrations. We all must deal with them. What I do is to take a step back, look at the problem as clearly as possible and put it into writing. Then, I read what I wrote out loud. Often, that’s all I have to do to jog a solution out of my head. But, sometimes, even that doesn’t work. I’m still flummoxed. Then, I seek help from someone that I believe might have the answer. You, for example, could identify your problem in this forum. There are a lot of people with a lot of knowledge. If nothing else they might be the catalyst you need to discover a solution.

Your father is correct that it doesn’t help to throw a fit and give up. That neither solves the problem nor the frustration. It’s by working through problems large and small that we acquire success. Life is cumulative with what went on before forever expanding what follows. Solutions beget solutions while quitting only breeds failure.

01-12-2006, 08:37 PM

What kind diet of was it? Losing 80 lbs is a huge amount of your total body weight especially if you are 5'8". You must be feeling in much better shape now.

The Chuck Norris

01-12-2006, 08:49 PM

The Chuck Norris asks Ruaidhri:

What do you believe is the key to a happy (and thereby successful) retirement? My father recently retired, and he seems to be going through a phase where he isn't quite sure what to do with himself. He has become somewhat controlling, although not in a malicious way. I believe he is just searching for his purpose in life (a sort of mid-life crisis, if you will), as working a 9-5 job, paying the bills, and being a provider was essentially his role in our family for many, many years. Without work, there is a big time slot in his life I feel he is struggling to fill. Is there any advice you have for someone who has recently retired, in regards to what they can do to ensure that their retired life is as enjoyable as the years leading up to it were?

ruaidhri

01-12-2006, 09:28 PM

Delen
Yes, I do feel much better now that I’ve lost weight. Altogether, I lost about a third of my starting weight. I started because I didn’t feel good. There was so much that I couldn’t do. Bending over to tie my shoes was a task that required holding my breath. My feet always hurt and I took pills for blood pressure, heartburn and cholesterol.

Last January I finally realized I had to take action. I had to quit doing what was bad for me and start doing what was good. So, I joined Weight Watchers. It took me 11 months to lose the weight. I am a very committed person when I attack a problem. I learned how to eat, when to eat and what to eat. I learned that you can occasionally deviate but must immediately return to the formula of how to eat, when to eat and what to eat.

Weight Watchers was an incredibly easy diet for me. It’s not easy for everyone. First, I’m a man. As a general rule, men lose weight easier than women. My wife finds this terribly unfair. Second, I have an especially high metabolism. I had to eat and drink a lot to gain the weight. And, third, I identified the primary culprit for my weight gain … booze. I love Bourbon, straight and pure out of the bottle and into the glass. In the evening I would enjoy several drinks with some cheese and crackers followed by a large dinner with perhaps second or third helpings. I thought I was living the good life.

Now, I don’t need the pills, I can tie my shoes with ease and I don’t hurt anymore. Occasionally, I can have a drink of Bourbon but it just doesn’t hold the same appeal for me. I quit after a few sips out of the first drink. I eat three meals a day and I don’t cheat.

Do I credit Weight Watchers with my successful weight loss? Yes! It’s a lot easier when you’re not alone. I had the added advantage of joining with my wife who has also lost considerable weight on the program. We’ll never quit because we don’t want to slip back into what we once thought was the good life.

Praetorian

01-12-2006, 09:46 PM

The Chuck Norris,

http://www.outpostnine.com/forum/showpost.php?p=90523&postcount=15

You might like the 2nd part of this post (directed to MeneerDijk) untill he formally gives an answer. :)

ruaidhri

01-12-2006, 10:07 PM

The Chuck Norris
Interesting screen name. I’ve met Chuck Norris. My sons are both martial artists. Chuck Norris is an interesting and very committed person.

Retirement is a major change. It definitely creates a gap that must be filled. Over the years we become our job associating what we do with who we are. Then, suddenly, it’s gone. We no longer are the go-to person. We no longer have authority. We get paid without contributing. We simply exist. It’s a big adjustment.

I retired at the end of June, 2002. It has almost been four years since I walked out the door. One of the first things I did was to buy myself a dog. I bought a beautiful Chocolate Labrador Retriever puppy that has become a wonderful dog. I had the time to train her and the willingness to overlook her typical Lab silliness that keeps them like puppies for two to three years. This was important because when I retired my wife continued working. That was hard because unlike my friends that also retired, my wife’s working prevented us from traveling.

I read books, I played with my dog, and I gained weight. I didn’t need to work and I didn’t want to. I became lazy. Then, I discovered, I had also become fat. So, I changed my attitude. I’ve lost my excess weight, I exercise and with my wife who is retiring in a couple of weeks plan on traveling and backpacking. I also plan on doing part time consulting work. I have to be careful because Social Security restricts how much I can earn until January of 2007. While I don’t need the money I do need the activity, the community and the identity.

So, what suggestion do I have for your father? Don’t just sit around. Do something. Consult, work park time, volunteer, start your own business, just do something outside the house. We need to identify with what we do or else we’re nothing. Actually OP9 and this thread have helped me because it’s afforded me the opportunity to pass on what I’ve learned about life. It’s given me a new identity for which I am grateful.

Megaman

01-12-2006, 10:42 PM

Well, I don't know what it is that makes me think I'm a loser (introvert, maybe?). I just don't like other people (especially with this new ghetto fad coming along). I was in gym class and we were playing basketball. I made a few stunning realizations.

1) Everyone who goes to hell will experience it differently. My hell will be in the form of a gymnasium, an overinflated basketball, and a group of ghetto wiggers laughing at me in my oversized gym clothes.

2) Zero self esteem is a defense mechanism for failure.

Benaire

01-12-2006, 11:02 PM

What would make me happy?

I think in general we all have the same basic desires. Being with friends/family the feeling of being loved, being/feeling secure in all things.

Then after they we get more personal things which all tend to stem from the same basic ones mentioned above but molded to suit us.

or are you talking about more intense pleasures like the glow of being with the person love or winning a some kinda event or doing well in exams?

Oh something that makes me happy is Thunder storms, heavy rain etc. I don't know why but when there is one it always brings out a feeling of contentment. :hat:

General_Admission

01-13-2006, 12:03 AM

I am in need of some advice, ruaidhri, about university.

I have been admitted to the McCombs School of Business, but do not want to be a businessman. In fact, I don't think I want to do anything. Nothing interests me entirely. However, I want to do something that will allow me to make plenty of money without having a job where I interact with people such that I am trying to sell myself. A good profession then would be a doctor of some sort, but at the same time I'm not sure I want to do that since, although I am very good at the sciences, I do not like it, but at the same time, I like doing things that I'm good at just because I can do good at it. I considered being a lawyer & doing something with international law so that I could travel and maybe even get to live in different places, but I'm not sure how much of a reality that is. If I had to choose one thing that I actually get excited about doing it would be learning Korean. Japanese is ok, German is ok, Chinese sounds tacky & cheap (yet supposedly useful...perhaps? Not sure I could even get a job that allowed me to work in/with Chinese companies & even then China isn't a very nice place currently). Learning Korean, however, would be useless. What would I use it for? Traveling? I don't think much.

So, I have no idea what I want to do other than I like Korean & want to make lots of money. So this brings me to colleges. Should I attend University of Texas where I could turn down the McCombs School of Business & do their liberal arts school where I could major in economics and learn Korean, should I just do the McCombs School of Business hoping that I could make lots of money, or should I go to a small liberal arts school where Korean and Japanese are not offered & end up either majoring in economics or doing the pre-med advisory program & just learn Chinese b/c it is still a pretty cool language and would be useful? The advantage of the small liberal arts school over UT's liberal arts school would be that I would have smaller classes and the staff would be more personal. Plus, UT is huge and it would be hard to make friends as I am not very good at doing that (hence why I don't think I would do well in the business world) & the classes would be bigger and it would be less personal, although the classes would be easier.

In summary:

ME:

Don’t think I would do well selling myself to people & having to talk to people in a friendly way just to do business. I would rather talk technical and help someone out because I want to. I’m not mr. outgoing and have trouble making close friends.

UT:
McCombs School of Business
 accepted but don’t want to do business.

UT liberal arts school
 Could learn Korean and major in economics; perhaps go on to law school if I choose.

Atmosphere
 Lots of people, impersonal.

Small liberal arts school (not at UT):
 No Korean or Japanese offered. Would have to take Chinese. Small class, personal, could do pre-med advisory program or economics; perhaps go on to law or medical school.

I have no idea what to do. I would be much appreciative of any advice you have to offer about it.

Scott

01-13-2006, 12:26 AM

Personally, I'd go for a liberal arts education, having had one myself. You can study and learn a variety of things, and after that, if you're interested in something specific, having tasted the gamut, you can specialize.

ellie

01-13-2006, 01:24 AM

Ruaidhri--

Like General_Admission, I also am in need of some advice about universities. I've posted a thread in RWPW (http://www.outpostnine.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2923), but it maybe would have been a better idea to have posted it in here.

Basically, I was considering dropping out of college. Although, I'm fairly certain now that I'm going to stick around, at least for this semester (I'm a sophomore.), and then take a year off. What is your opinion on this? Quite a few people have told me their opinions, but I respect your opinion quite a bit as well and am really interested in hearing what you have to say. Do you think taking a year off would be a good idea, or a recipe for disaster (by not coming back, becoming a bum, living at home forever, etc.)? What would you think if your own kids wanted to take a year off and live at home for a year?

ruaidhri

01-13-2006, 05:57 PM

Megaman
Wow! I can sure identify with you. When I was in High School I was thinner than thin. Heck, when I was 25 and just out of the Military, I still only weighed 118 pounds. I also lacked any sport skills partially because my mother was opposed to sports. She was a pure socialist and believed sports fostered competition that created winners and losers. My father had his own business and worked from 9:00 AM to 10:00 PM, every day of the week. He didn’t have time to play with me. But gym was required. You had to participate. Unlike the other kids, I didn’t know how to play the games. I didn’t know the rules and I didn’t have any talent.

Do you think I was made fun of? Certainly? Did it hurt my self esteem? Of Course. Did I survive it? Absolutely. I understand that it’s not easy. Much of life isn’t. But, the battle is worthwhile. As life goes on, the oversized gym clothes and the laughing sports stars will fade from memory. You will establish your own identity that’s not dependent upon some one else’s opinion.

My suggestion is to develop an attitude where you are at the top of the food chain. Think of yourself in a positive light. Consider that your detractors need your insecurity to themselves feel secure. They are building themselves up at your expense. Turn that around by becoming proud of who you are and what you will become.

If you are unhappy with your physical being, change it. Take positive action to change your image of yourself. Build some muscles. Buy some new clothes. Force yourself to overcome shyness and be a little bit more of an extrovert. I know it’s not easy but it can be done. I did it.

Do something positive for yourself. You can change your life for the better.

Benaire
You answered the question as I would have. Happiness in its purest form is “being with friends/family the feeling of being loved, being/feeling secure in all things.” The point of my question was that your job, your income, your car, boat, house are all things that by themselves can not guarantee happiness. Many people believe that you must be a super achiever to be happy. That’s simply not true. I know a lot of people with good jobs, high incomes, beautiful cars, boats and houses that have no time for their friends or family. They don’t have time to love or be loved. And, they are under constant pressure to keep their superficial rewards. They certainly aren’t secure in all things. You don’t have to scratch too far to uncover their unhappiness.

So, why did I ask the question? I did it in hopes of getting the very answer you provided. All money does is remove one of the causes of stress and unhappiness. Instead of living our lives to earn more and more money we should all strive to fulfill your formula for happiness, “being with friends/family the feeling of being loved, being/feeling secure in all things.”

General_Admission
I have very carefully considered my answers to your questions. Obviously, I am coming from a different perspective than you. I hope I can help you make your decision because no one can make it for you.

You don’t know what you want to do? Well, you’re not alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if you changed your mind several times before you finish college. That is the value of a college education. A well rounded education exposes you to many opportunities.

But, you want to make a lot of money. Why? Money by itself doesn’t guarantee happiness. As I wrote in my response to Benaire, I know a lot of people that make a lot of money that are not very happy.

You say you don’t want to be a businessman. What is your definition of a businessman? I worked in Corporate America for 36 years. I wasn’t in sales and marketing. However, I did interact daily with other people both internally and externally. Overall my jobs were analytical, finding opportunities, developing plans and executing solutions. At times I enjoyed my job and even could say that I had fun. I certainly derived great satisfaction from accomplishing my goals.

What’s the purpose of business school? I believe it’s to prepare you for a job. What is the purpose of a liberal arts education? I believe it’s to prepare you for life. So, which is more important? The answer really is, neither by themselves. You need both.

Can you get a good job with just a Liberal Arts Degree? Of Course. But, it will be harder because you don’t have the specific skills attractive to many employers. Can you acquire these skills without going to business school? Yes, you can. Many large communities have university extension programs with specific business oriented evening courses that teach the necessary skills and provide certification for all the world to see.

Can you learn life skills and more about the world with a Business Degree? Most definitely. There is nothing stopping you from taking liberal arts courses. When you graduate with your degree there is nothing stopping you from continuing to take courses. Further, there is nothing stopping you from pursuing graduate studies in areas outside of business. All a Business Degree or a Liberal Arts Degree provides is a starting point.

I have two sons. One is pursuing an education in Political Science, the other is a Materials Engineer working on his Ph.D., teaching at the University, working on grants and conducting research on new materials. Obviously, one son is more of an extrovert enjoying personal interaction over solitary research. The other enjoys hard won discovery over heated debate. Both are happy in what they are doing. They’ve found their own niche.

That’s what you will have to do. Somehow you think you have to do it now and forever stay true to the course. Actually, you don’t. You have time to make the right decision. The answer doesn’t have to be all of one and none of the other. You can craft your education because, after all, it’s your life.

Next, you are pondering which school is best. Each apparently has its advantages. Again, it depends on what each offers you and how you want to craft your education. My suggestion is to take more than a cursory look at each option. Just because a school might be smaller and have smaller class sizes with Professors teaching all the classes doesn’t mean it’s more student oriented. Likewise, just because larger universities have more options, good reputations and prestigious Professors doesn’t mean you will learn more while at school or even earn more after you’ve graduated.

I don’t believe you would have any more or any less problem making friends at a large university than at a small liberal arts college. I assume that at least initially, you will be living in a dorm. That’s a pretty small community. There are also a lot of clubs and groups to join in all colleges. Again, they are small communities of like minded people. Because of their size, large universities actually have even more opportunities to meet people than the smaller college. You will find that College is very different from High School. As long as you get away from your computer monitor you will meet new people and you will make new interesting friends. You don’t have to be Mr. Personality. For the first time in your life you can truly be yourself.

College is really a lot more than learning about the world. A lot of it is learning about yourself. Regardless of where you go and what you eventually choose as your major, enjoy the experience. Make it positive; individualize it.

It’s good that you are asking these questions before you jump into college.

If you enjoy technical applications there are plenty of opportunities in both business and liberal arts.

Languages are great but you need something to go along with simply being able to speak and write a language.

Study your options. Look for the positives in each. Make a decision about the school. Take a variety of courses. Join small groups of students in clubs. Participate in study groups. Force yourself to participate in social activities even if it’s not your thing. Don’t worry about making all your decisions about a career now. Discover yourself and what makes you happy and then go for it.

One warning I have for everyone. Stay away from beer, wine and booze. They destroy incentive and they can extinguish your opportunities. Now, I have nothing against drinking but college is not the place for overindulgence.

Ellie
I have read the comments in your RWPW thread. You have some very good advise. Listen to Spaatz965; he’s right. You don’t have to be a super achiever. Grades aren’t always a true measure of what you learn. It’s how you take what you’ve learned in one instance and apply it to another that’s truly important. I also read your posts. I find them well written and intelligent. Everyone goes through periods of self doubt, high stress and frustration with their inability to “do it all.”

I agree with Spaatz965. Dropping out of college is easy; it’s returning that’s hard. Idlethought is also right, “drop the job” if you are overstressed. My advice is to stick with college. If necessary reduce your course load but don’t quit.

Yes, your parents love you. Yes they would support you. But is that what you truly want. Take other courses that interest you. Don’t worry about your major. It’s even OK to change your mind about what you want for your major. It’s really not necessary that you graduate in four or five years. Take time to learn about yourself, who you are and what you want out of life.

This may sound crazy but try it. Get a big stick of cinnamon bark. When you get especially stressed out scrape the inside of the bark a little and take a big whiff. Then, get up and walk outside for at least 10 minutes before returning to your studies. It’s a great stress reliever and it also helps focus your mind. The cinnamon improves the blood flow to your body and to your brain. It actually works better than coffee.

You have discovered that life isn’t easy. It’s oftentimes plain shitty. Frustration and anger at oneself can certainly lead to depression. Don’t let that happen. Recognize the signs, take your whiff of cinnamon and reaffirm your resolve.

No, your friends that quit are not unintelligent. No, they aren’t losers. But, they also aren’t winners. Remember, it’s easy to quit while it’s extremely hard to return. Don’t make the same mistake so many other made before you.

Trump

01-13-2006, 09:00 PM

If I had to offer advice about what major to start with, I would say to start with something more challenging (science and engineering are just examples). If you decide it is too hard or just not what you like, it is easier to drop back to other majors. The more difficult paths have many prerequisites for their courses and it can set you back by 1-2 semesters if you want to go back and start them.

And you need to learn more about a career before you can say that is what you want to do (or don't want to do). Of the careers listed, doctor, lawyer, etc, I bet you couldn't describe the first thing they do. But that is what university is for, to learn these things.

Antisocial? That is something you need to work on. There are very few jobs out there that do not require interacting with people. Doctors have to talk with their patients to figure out what is wrong, and they sometimes even have to discuss the symptoms with other doctors. If they don't have patients they are likely doing research and have to convince their peers about the benefits (or shortcomings) of their research. Laywers have to listen carefully to their clients are telling them. From everything to estate planning to tax law to trial law, they have clients with information they need. And if you plan on going to court you've got at least the judge if not a whole jury to convince that your client is right. Even in engineering where you might thing an anti-social person might do well, there is a lot of interaction. Engineers have to give presentations about their designs and projects to convince their managers to pay for their work. And in EVERY field, you have to sell yourself to get a job. As much as you'd like to think it is all about your resume, I guarantee if someone comes recommended by a trusted source, they will have a strong edge over a similar resume (if the other person is even considered at all). So get out and practice! Meet people, have fun!

Don't focus on the money. You have to *do* something to make money, it just doesn't fall from the sky. So try to figure out what activities you like. See if you can make money from those first. I can tell you first hand that if you hate your job, making good money won't be enough to make you happy. It may seem like it at first, but you will slowly realize your life is empty.

But don't worry, the university is a great place to learn. Learn about the world and yourself!

Galeros

01-14-2006, 08:15 AM

Hey Ruaidhri,

I also have a bit of a problem regarding college. Well, it is more so for the Fall of thos year. I graduated from High School early and have enjoyed a lengthy winter break, but now I have to go back to school on Tuesday, I will be attending a community college for a semester and then I want to go to a university in the fall. Now here is my dilemna, I am beginning to wonder if I really want to go to a university in the fall, I have begun to ponder the possibility of staying at the community college another year, but I am really not sure if I should. Ya see, there are times at my house when I wish I was gone, but there are lots of other times where I am glad I am home. So I am really unsure on what to do.

ruaidhri

01-15-2006, 02:12 PM

Trump
Good remarks! The sciences and engineering are more challenging and General_Admission does appear to be an intelligent young man. The reason I didn’t make the recommendation was because he wrote that he doesn’t “like” the sciences. That made me question if General_Admission had the desire to undergo such a demanding course load. I know it’s far rougher than either business or liberal arts. My older son is a Materials Engineer. His undergraduate workload was almost impossible. It took total commitment. Based on General_Admission’s stated dislike of the sciences, I questioned if he would survive the weeding out common in the sciences. A large number of the students that started materials engineering with my son failed to pass the courses. Some managed to change their majors, others dropped out of college. Four years later only a small number of the original students actually received their degrees in Engineering.

I absolutely agree that social skills are important regardless of discipline or position. Before you even get a job you have to sell yourself. Then, you have to perform on the job and be noticeable. If you want to get ahead you have to stand out. All jobs require communication. Even the most analytical require interaction with others. It’s all a matter of type and degree.

I do believe that General_Admission will acquire social skills. It may not be who he is right now but life’s demands will expose him to more and more people and he will hone his skills. With time he will become more comfortable in social situations. That’s also a part of what college is about.

Galeros
Not all colleges are created equal. Community colleges, junior colleges or two-year colleges usually don’t offer all the classes and learning opportunities found in large universities. They do, however, offer other advantages. You can stay home and save money on room and board. Generally, they cost less per credit. You’re already established in the community and don’t really need to make new friends. Some offer Associate Degrees that in themselves have value. My younger son went that route. He earned his Associates Degree in Arts and Sciences before transferring to a four year college. In Wisconsin, he had the added advantage of the Associates Degree fulfilling all the core requirements for a Bachelors of either Science or Arts. Of course, he has to fulfill the requirements for his major and minor but he’s finished with general education credits. Without the Associates he would have had to take several more courses outside of his major and minor. One thing to consider when going to a two-year college is “will the credits transfer?” That’s not a given. It’s important that you check with the school you will eventually transfer to before signing up for courses at a two-year college.

I believe that going away to school and separating yourself from your family is an important part of growing up. You meet new people and have new experiences that would not be available to you at home. When problems arise, you have to solve them. That’s good because it’s a necessary skill you’ll need all your life. You can’t always depend on others. A four-year university has many societies within its walls. You will find your niche.

When you do leave home for a larger school, I suggest you live in a dorm for at least a semester or two. That’s a good way to meet other people. Join groups that interest you. Participate in study groups because college is meant to be difficult and many heads with discussion will help you learn.

Most of all enter college with the understanding that not only will you learn and prepare yourself for life but also that you will enjoy the experience.

Spaatz965

01-15-2006, 06:48 PM

Galeros (and to some extent, GA and ellie)
Building a little bit on what ruaidhri said, I went through a community college first, and might have some insight you can take based on my experiences.

A little background, I live in a college town. Even though we have the major base of operations for several fortune 500 companies in the metro area, the largest employer is one of the schools (which shocked me when I found out). Except for the community college, each of the other schools are private institutions, not public schools...but they all have a fair relationship with one another for transfering credits, especially for 100 and 200 level courses.

On the plus side, getting my A.S. at the community college allowed me to get a better feel for what I really wanted academicly and to a certain amount, what I was predisposed to enjoy in employment. When I first started classes, my major was Computer Science...Having developed a love for video games, I figured it would be natural to become a game programmer. I'd taken courses in programing in High School (Basic and Pascal). I'd even taken typing in school and when I enlisted in the Army Reserves, I signed up as a clerk/typist, as typing was a skill I'd need for programming. Drum Roll please...I changed majors after my first semester. I wasn't happy with what I'd picked up in pascal in high school, so I took it again...which was an eye opener. Pascal is designed to teach structure...which we never really got with my HS Chem teacher (who picked up the pascal course). I learned a lot in that class...more than the instructor intended. Aside from the actual info, I learned that it was far too easy for external influences to impact my personal performance...I'd failed a key project, not because there was anything wrong with my code (the instructor even complemented me on the code)...rather, I failed because each time the code was compiled, a bug in the compiler was randomizing the order of one of my procedures...and the program did not work. I failed that project because of a bug that not only did I have no line of sight to, but had zero control over. I wasn't even allowed the opportunity to rewrite the program...this is the type of thing that could easily derail a programmers performance reviews...so I got out of the major, and switched to Communication and Media arts...lots of writing and graphics, a very well rounded communication program. My goal was going to be getting into public relations.

The down side of staying home and going to community college (and even one of the four year colleges). At the CC, I reinforced bad habits I'd developed in High School. I've mentioned in other threads, I'm a pretty bright guy, and didn't have to work hard to pass...In English 101, I submitted my first draft of a major paper and got an A+...think I spent all of 4 hours on it... should have spent more like 16. I got very lazy, and developed an attitude of permissiveness, where skipping a day of classes wasn't anything to be concerned with. I also got myself overwhelmed with what I was doing...full time course load 12-15 credits, full time work...security guard sitting at a desk, great for a student if you bother to actually do the home work you bring to the job, Army Reserves, Emergency Services and Cadet Program work with the Civil Air Patrol, coupled with coming out of my shell of introversion and actually trying to have a social life. Being on my home turf made if VERY easy to get myself into all of these things in the belief that I could do it all and perform reasonably well.

It all crashed down when I flunked out of my first year at a "real" school. The habits and doing it all came home to roost...went WEEKS without attending classes. Even failed a course that all I really would have needed to do is show up two more times than I did.

The major lesson I learned...too late to really do anything about it...was getting into post high school education, you really need to not only understand the institution you'll be attending, but try and get a grasp on how you'll end up reacting in the new situation. It will be the first instance where you have complete control over what and how you do. As the realization of the liberty you have comes to you, it is so easy to crash and burn...that's what I did.

The next lesson is, except for some very specific fields, what you get your degree in has very little to do with what you'll be doing for the rest of your life. Key things to keep in mind for what courses to take where you have a choice, what interests you, where do you already have skills that you want to improve, where do you lack skills that will be sorely needed in the working world. I might be a bit biased, but most schools do not emphasis business writing and public speaking nearly enough.

Keep in mind, what ever direction you go in, you will be in new territory. Even if you stay local. College is a huge life change from high school, and a good chunk of what you'll learn is how to handle that change...and you'll have to do that on your own. Graduating (or otherwise exiting college) and entering the work force is another huge life change. From where you are sitting, not having already had the experience, these things are very difficult to see coming.

Now...I painted a pretty dismal picture of my life, and had my friends not kicked my butt to get up and on with my life...it would still be pretty dismal. In spring of 1993, I'd failed at my first shot at a BA (Journalism) from a local school, building up a hefty student load bill along the way, I was a war veteran (first gulf war) with 183 days of total active duty time...which qualified me a having PMS (Prior Military Service) and excluded me from transfering into one of the Active Duty services (even the Coast Guard couldn't touch me) as the services were down sizing. I was a security guard, sitting on my butt and gaining weight, and still living in my father's house. Things were very bleak for me, and I just kind of existed from day to day.

In 1995, with pressure on from my friends, I started looking for a professional job. Went on two interviews, and with some luck I ended up with a contract assignment doing desk side support at a research center of a fortune 500 company. Within two years I'd become the center subject matter expert on a couple operating systems, including some server systems, and took on the lead for migrating the entire research division from the corporate legacy email system to the new corporate standard...and was converted to a full time (saleried) employee. Since then I've moved into corporate IM as a messaging architect and project manager. Along the way, I picked up my BS in Business Management (with a 3.94 gpa), and am able to support my stay at home wife, two young kids, two cars and 3 bedroom house on just my income.

My initial failures were entirely from losing focus and giving up on myself. My later sucess was from re-establishing focus and refusing to give up...along with a little "jump in feet first" attitude.

Basically, what it comes down to is...community college or four year school, doesn't matter as much as what you choose to do each and every day. The course you plot will only be as good as the self discipline you maintain to stay the course.

And now, with some apologies to ruaidhri for the derail, I'll shut up and let the him have the podium back :)

ruaidhri

01-15-2006, 09:38 PM

Spaatz965
You have been there and know what you’re talking about. You know that it’s so much easier to sit back and let fate take its course. You know that few people actually win the lottery and get something for nothing.

I hope that our young members entering college will learn from your recounting of your past hopes, errors, readjustments, hard work and victories. You know that winning takes effort. You worked hard and you succeeded.

The lesson of your life is that it’s easy to lose focus. Life has many distractions that are so much more attractive than studying or preparing for a far off future. You had all the right stuff when you entered college. Yet, you lost focus. But, although this temporarily derailed your education, you didn’t give up. You fought back. You proved yourself on the job and by returning to school with the attitude that produces winners. And, you won.

paul

01-15-2006, 11:04 PM

Aye, its very easy to lose focus, and oh so tempting >_<.
How well do we students know.

Its so much easier just to kick back and relax and get into a crappier program in university rather than work hard and get into a more popular one that would ensure better work and job stability. Sometimes the urge to just flow with the masses is overwhelming. And don't even get me started on procrastination, its like a terminal illness.

Spaatz965

01-15-2006, 11:21 PM

Not all procrastination is bad (http://paulgraham.com/procrastination.html)

Of course, I victimize myself with the bad procrastination all the time. :bang:

Galeros

01-16-2006, 03:17 AM

It is not the work that will bother me, I can do that fine. It is the fact that I will be away from home and will not be able to come home often. Heh, I guess homesickness will be my problem.

Oh, and my credits will transfer, I have already visited the University in question.

dillon

01-16-2006, 11:28 AM

i know this is kind of cliche but lately i've been really confused about love. i see a lot of teenagers and kids, sometimes as young as 6th grader, "going out" with each other and i honestly don't understand why. i always wonder what they could possibly have in common or have to talk about and how they can handle being in a relationship at all. i know that those relationships don't tend to last, but it's the ones that do (like childhood/high school sweethearts) that confuse me. i don't understand how somebody can find love at such a young age.. were they just the lucky ones? am i holding "love", and even "like", in too high a standard? should i just expect to like somebody and assume that it'll gradually turn into love? i find it so weird that marriage is the "norm".. that it's "normal" to be able to find somebody to love and spend the rest of your life with. you seem very much in love with your wife after all your years of marriage and.. i can't comprehend couples like you especially since my parents's marriage isn't exactly the greatest example. have you ever had these thoughts when you were young and questioned love and marriage?

ruaidhri

01-16-2006, 03:11 PM

Dillon
Like, love, dislike and hate, they are all very interesting. They are all very personal. They speak to emotions more than to reason. Perhaps the difference between merely liking and loving someone or disliking and hating them is the degree to which we associate and surrender our personal image of ourselves.

Obviously sexual attraction does play a role. We are, after all, living creatures and we do strut, posture and preen to attract other human beings. We do have sexual desire and we do procreate. With puberty our bodies, if not our minds, are ready to have children. Today, as you noted, it’s not uncommon for 6th graders to date. Even at that young age many have already experienced the first calls of desire. They are excited and they are curious. So, do we classify their attractions as liking each other or loving each other? I believe love is probably more appropriate because they commonly totally surrender their self images. Yet, they themselves are not ready either emotionally or financially to live independently so we label their love, “puppy love.” Normally, these attractions are short lived often to be replaced with the opposite emotions of anger and hate. Why? My guess is because the love had no basis other than physical attraction. When one of the parties eventually rejected the other hurt turned to anger and anger to hate.

Yes, I’ve known people that married their childhood sweethearts and lived happily ever after. It certainly is not the norm, but it does happen. I don’t believe it’s anything that all 6th graders should expect. I certainly don’t believe it’s the best formula for marital bliss.

I was not the most popular kid in High School. Oh, I had girlfriends but no one that I remember really loving. I have mentioned in past comments that I dropped my childhood friends because I caught them stealing from my father’s store. That was a rough time because it’s hard making new friends. Following a year of college, I enlisted in the Coast Guard for 4 years to avoid being drafted into the Army. While in the service, I met and dated a number of women but again no one that I could say I “loved”.

When I left the service I reentered college and got a job. I again played the field having a lot of dates with people that didn’t truly hold my interest outside their appearances. Then I met a young woman that did excite me. We had a lot of fun talking and being with each other. She had moved to Milwaukee following breaking up with her childhood sweetheart. Things were progressing very nicely when all of a sudden her old boyfriend flew into Milwaukee and she fell back into his arms. That was really hard for me. I was angry with her and I was angry with myself. For awhile I was only interested in one night stands, which is not a very attractive lifestyle.

It was a couple of years following the breakup that I met my wife on St. Patrick’s Day in 1971. We went out on our first date a little over a week following our first meeting. Our family backgrounds couldn’t have been more different. First, I was 7 years older. Second, I grew up in the city while she was raised a farm girl and only came to the city for nursing school. My parents were fairly well off financially while her parents were incredibly poor, living in rural Wisconsin without central heat or running water. The house she grew up in still had chamber pots under the beds and an outhouse in the field. They still drew water from the well one bucket at a time.

When I first met my wife I didn’t suddenly say to myself, “this is the one I’ll marry.” I was attracted to her looks and the fact that she jabbed me in the stomach as she passed me standing outside the tavern. How much do you learn about a person talking to them for a few minutes in a bar? Not much. Anyway, I did call her again and set up a real date. Here I got to know a little more about who she was and how her mind worked. At this point her looks were no longer her most important feature. A lot of people are attractive but not all can hold your interest. She could and did. We dated again and took a trip to Chicago for fun. We really connected. I liked the way she thought. I enjoyed sharing experiences with her. While I certainly had sexual desires she was a “good girl” and I didn’t push it because I was truly enjoying learning more than just was she good in bed. On the way back from Chicago I first began to feel the strong emotions that I associate with love.

On May 9, 1971, I asked the most important person in my life to marry me and she accepted. Here she was just graduating from Nursing School as a Registered Nurse and I had a good job that I had already held for 5 years following 4 years in the Military. We had a strong financial base on which to build our upcoming marriage. It didn’t take long before we tied the knot. We were married on November 20, 1971, a mere 8 months following our first meeting. We’ve been married now for 34 years and I still find my wife to be the most interesting person I know. I enjoy being with her as much as I did on that trip to Chicago. And, yes, she is!

So, do we have arguments? Absolutely! We get our grievances out in the open. Neither of us is perfect and we’re both well aware of that. We just don’t let our problems get in the way of our happiness. Possibly my wife and I are exceptions to the rule but I look around me and I see a lot of other couples our ages that appear equally happy with their long term marriages. Maybe they’re hiding their true emotions but I can truly say, I’m happy with what I’ve got!

Trump

01-16-2006, 03:31 PM

Love is one of those things that you can come up with many reasons to support and many reasons to refute. You provided many reasons why it shouldn't work so I think I'll respond with a few reasons why it might work. If you meet and become good friends at a young age, you probably have a lot in common. What could lead to a better relationship with more to talk about than having mutual interest in so many things? If you meet someone you enjoy being around and can stand to be around, why change it? And does age really matter that much? At such a young age people are going to grow and change quickly, but if the qualities of people that keep them together stay the same, why would the relationship end? Commonality, familiarity, comfort, and complacency are reasons why it might work. But every case is different, there is no formula to explain why some people are drawn together and others aren't. That is why love is so ... magic.

paul

01-16-2006, 10:57 PM

I use to think about these things, then I realized:
Having fun > getting confused about love, so screw thinking. :P

slinky

01-16-2006, 11:10 PM

Love is one of those things that you can come up with many reasons to support and many reasons to refute. You provided many reasons why it shouldn't work so I think I'll respond with a few reasons why it might work. If you meet and become good friends at a young age, you probably have a lot in common. What could lead to a better relationship with more to talk about than having mutual interest in so many things? If you meet someone you enjoy being around and can stand to be around, why change it? And does age really matter that much? At such a young age people are going to grow and change quickly, but if the qualities of people that keep them together stay the same, why would the relationship end?

This is what I was thinking when I read Ruaidhri's post. But I'd like to add one possibly important element - if the qualities stay the same then there's a good chance that a young couple will stay together. But I think that the goals (which may or may not map to the qualities) must also be the same, or at least not at odds with each other.

Idlethought

01-17-2006, 11:59 AM

Ruaidhri if you haven't considered writing any memoirs yet I strongly urge you to lol. You have alot of wisdom that may be lost if not put down somewhere so get writing. Anyway on to my question, or rather thought of the moment. I'll be concise with it.

Do you think that everyone needs someone? Personally I do, hell I feel it myself. I just wanna know your thoughts on that. I know you've delved into the whole love like blah blah category several times in this thread so if you'll just indulge me this time I'll appreciate it thanks.

:calvin: & :hobbes: forever!

ruaidhri

01-17-2006, 03:57 PM

Idlethought
It’s hard to think about everyone else without first thinking about yourself. What we see through our own eyes and what we need for our own comfort and sense of well being is how we relate to the world. I need a mate, a person with whom I can share my innermost feelings. I need a person that will put their arm around me and comfort me when I am sad. I need a person that I can laugh with when I am happy.

I believe humans are most comfortable in a society. We need company. We live in all sizes of communities one nested within the other. All provide us contact with other humans. True, some people welcome social contact more than others. Some even fear contact outside their own private family cocoon. But, we all need someone.

The problem is that it’s not always easy to find that special someone. In my previous posting I told the story of the courtship of my wife. What’s noteworthy is that we didn’t come from the same worlds. We didn’t have similar lives before we met. Our life experiences were very different. Yet, we connected. We found that what’s on the surface isn’t as important as what lies within. I was 30 years old when I married my wife. It took me a long time to find the person I could love for the rest of my life. I didn’t take the concept of marriage lightly. I considered it a lifetime commitment to make it work. I’ve never forgotten that commitment. Sure, we’ve had arguments. We wouldn’t have a marriage if we didn’t. But, instead of trying to win a fight we worked to find a solution we could both accept.

Most of the members on OP9 are young. Time drags for young people. They want to act, not wait. Consider that a year is 5% of a 20 year olds life. By the time a person is 30, a year is only 3.3% of their life. And, by the time they’re my age its only 1.5%. That’s like four months for a 20 year old. Time no longer drags for me. It goes past like a bullet. I can look back 10 years and it seems like yesterday. Scary, isn’t it? If you’re lucky, it awaits you all.

So, back to needing someone. My answer is yes, we do. With your personality and outlook on life I don’t believe you will have any difficulty meeting that special person. Just don’t be too much in a rush to pick someone purely because of what’s on the surface. Always, consider that which is within.

Roxie

01-17-2006, 04:37 PM

Would you mind if we cloned you? I mean, cause I could really use you in my back pocket.

I should get a medal for this thread. :hphone:

Idlethought

01-17-2006, 07:21 PM

Idlethought
With your personality and outlook on life I don’t believe you will have any difficulty meeting that special person. Just don’t be too much in a rush to pick someone purely because of what’s on the surface. Always, consider that which is within.

Wizdom always tells me that lol. Damn dragging youth :bored:

HelenaJ

01-19-2006, 01:34 AM

Hi. I'm not new to the forum, but I rarely post.
If you have the time, I have a question concerning trust.
If i'm assuming correctly, all people have been betrayed at one time or another, and when time goes on the deceits keep piling on.
I just wanted to ask you how you've gone through your lifetime constantly being betrayed and still coming out with healthy social tendencies. For example, this forum. What keeps you from giving up on society... people?

ruaidhri

01-19-2006, 03:54 AM

HelenaJ
Whenever I answer a person, I attempt to consider their problem through my own experiences. I always try to see the good and overlook the bad. I ask myself how do I feel and what would I do. Your question is difficult because I’ve always considered myself a trusting person. Yet, my self examination has revealed that I generally don’t expect results that I myself don’t accomplish. I don’t take chances. I prefer to take charge and do it for myself. Maybe that means that underneath my façade I don’t truly trust others. Your question certainly is causing me to question my own self image.

Anyway, enough self incrimination. From your profile I see that you are still in High School. You’ve discovered that people aren’t always what they appear. Obviously, that’s true; they aren’t. Promises are forgotten and people say one thing to your face and another behind your back. I gather that time and time again you’ve been betrayed by people in whom you’ve placed your trust. They’ve failed to meet your expectations. So, your asking if you should just give up on society and expect the worst so you won’t be disappointed.

My answer is no, don’t give up. I know sometimes kids in High School can be mean and hurtful. They can betray trust. They put others down to build themselves up. Yes, that’s bad. Yes, if that happens to you, you have a right to be upset. You have a right to express your disappointment and even anger. You have a right to reassess your friendship. But, High School is a very short time during your life. People do change. Although you will find people that you can trust don’t leave yourself vulnerable to misplaced trust. Some people are vicious. Some people are deceitful. Always be careful about what you reveal so that you won’t depend on others to keep your secret. That does not mean that you should give up on society. It simply means you should be aware of societies weaknesses.

I believe most People are basically good. I don’t believe most people set out to “deceive” you. Instead, I believe they make promises they can’t keep because that is what they’d like to do or that is what they believe you’d like to hear. They don’t consider that accomplishing is far more difficult than promising. It requires planning and execution. Mostly, it requires commitment, which is rarely found. I really don’t believe most people intend to hurt you through their failure to carry through on their promises.

Life is complicated. It’s easy to believe in other people because that’s the way we’d like the world to be. We don’t want to consider that there really are evil people out there willing to do us harm. But, the truth is that there are. We do have to be aware and protect ourselves. But, what about trusting those we love and respect. Consider that we all have so many tasks we have to accomplish at work, at school and just in living from day to day. It’s easy to over schedule. It’s easy to promise. Yet, it’s difficult to accomplish everything we set out for ourselves. We end up doing what is the most important or the easiest or the most fun. At the end of the day, we leave behind broken promises to both others and to ourselves.

So, what’s the solution? You could disassociate yourself from society, distrust everyone and be very unhappy. Or, you could realize that some promises just can’t be delivered even by people you love and trust. People make them because that’s what they would like to do if they could. This then comes full circle to what I do. If I truly need something, I take charge and don’t expect results from anyone but myself. But, sometimes, I truly must rely on another. What I do then is consider who that person is and their ability and opportunity to deliver. If necessary, I micro manage to ensure the job gets done. I always have a backup plan.

Another thing I always do is forgive those I love. That’s really important because we do have to live together and people do change and people do feel guilty about not delivering on promises. I always give greater weight to the good and try to overlook the bad. Admittedly, sometimes, that’s not possible and I must address and respond to the bad to both heal myself and to prevent it from happening again. When I’m disappointed by a person I expect less from them. That way I’m not surprised and they don’t feel guilty and try to avoid me.

Trump

01-19-2006, 10:16 PM

Another thing to consider. Something you consider betrayal may look completely different from another viewpoint. Before you label someone as evil, try to make sure you know why they acted like they did.

HelenaJ

01-20-2006, 12:38 AM

Ruaidhri, thank you for giving up part of your time to answer my question. I truly think what you're doing is wonderful.
Your answer reminded me of what I should consider when trusting people. It also reminded me that I sometimes project more into certain situations than I should. I will try to take your advice to heart.

Trump: I did try that before, trying to understand their motives. When I took in everything that they've ever told me and put them into a conclusion, I couldn't come up with anything else other than that I've been betrayed. But I didn't take it any further than thoughts, because I didn't have the whole side of the story. If I ask them face to face then I'll still be cautious of whether or not I'm being lied to. It's hard and complicated. I'm going to try to work on thinking positively. But thanks.

Artie

01-20-2006, 05:32 AM

Ruaidhri, being a fellow Wisconsinite, have you ever been in the West Bend area? I thought you might have, since about last November, Jimmy Carter came to a Wal-Mart that is about 2 miles away from my home (I learned I can't take very good pictures that day), and that brought in a LOT of people.

Also, what have you heard about Marquette University Highschool? All of my brothers, and uncles attended that school, and I'm bound to go (the're already sending my free stuff!), but being in 7th grade only, I don't know much about it. I can't ask my brother, for he is 15, and he hates everyone. Other brothers are long and moved away, so any knowledge you know is appreciated!

ruaidhri

01-20-2006, 02:13 PM

Artie
While I’ve visited West Bend many times I was not there last November for former President Jimmie Carter’s visit. I do, however, have great respect for the man. I believe he was very unfairly maligned by Ronald Reagan and Bush Sr. Their, and their party's attacks on Carter lasted long beyond Reagan’s win and Carter’s defeat in the 1980 election. There has been much discussion and debate about Carter’s presidency but one thing no one can debate is that he was and remains a very religious, moral and honest man that strongly believes in human rights.

You asked me about Marquette University High School. There is no doubt but that it is a superb school that offers its students a great first step. It is a Catholic all boys school with very high scholastic standards. It is located in downtown Milwaukee not far from Marquette University, which is a Jesuit university. It is an island of security and privilege located in what is generally a lower income section of the city albeit an enclave that is experiencing somewhat of a turn around. The school has close ties with the University and it is a natural for students from the High School to continue at Marquette University. Many of the parents in my village send their boys to Marquette University High School. In Wisconsin, students fortunate enough to graduate from Marquette University High School and Marquette University will benefit from their association with the two schools throughout their lives.

Tuition at Marquette University High School is costly. Your parents are offering you a wonderful gift. Treasure it. You have been offered the opportunity to attend a great school and to make acquaintances with other young men that truly will be tomorrows leaders. Thank your parents by studying hard and excelling and you could very well be one of those leaders.

Here are a couple of websites that give more information about Marquette University High School.

www.privateschoolreview.com/school_ov/school_id/29685

www.muhs.edu/

Artie

01-21-2006, 03:06 AM

ruaidhri

01-21-2006, 04:14 PM

Artie
The biggest change will probably be that Marquette University High School is an all boys school. Most public schools in Wisconsin are also very good and provide excellent educations. I would imagine that you are well prepared for the added rigors of High School.

Although I’ve been in West Bend a number of times throughout my life I’m really not that familiar with the city. I don’t know where your school is and sadly I’ve never been to your art museum. I have seen and do appreciate your old courthouse.

It doesn’t seem that long ago that my own two boys were your age and in Middle School. It all goes by so fast. Work hard now; you’ll appreciate it later.

I’m a firm believer in having plans and not depending on fate. Even at your age you could sit down and think about what you want out of life and devise a plan on how to get there. It’s no problem if you change your mind because all you’ll have to do is alter your plan. With a plan you always have something to strive for and something to accomplish. Your studies and all your efforts will take on a new meaning.

And, don’t forget to have fun.

Artie

01-21-2006, 08:05 PM

ruaidhri

01-22-2006, 06:59 PM

Azrael’s recent editorial I See Dead People has drawn criticism from Lukos in the All Things Japan forum.

Lukos – 1.21.06 I See Dead People Thread
”I think Az needs to stop being "freaked out" and start being seriously concerned about these kids. They arent just weird, theres causes behind this behavior. Some potentially desturbeing stuff here. But it seems like even after 3 years in japan little things still freak him out and big things are just plain unaddressable in any serious fashon. I know i wont make any friends like this but Az get off your ass and get these kids some help. And start pointing out to the staff when their being prejudice. Nice and ignorant never accomplished anything but denile and blissful ignorance is something you see alot of in Japanise culture. Ether make an impact or go back home dude. But being blown away rather than genuinely concerned wont accomplish anything.”

Lukos – Dead People? Probably imaginary friend. Thread
“Azrael...seriously dude....these kids need help. And you should stop makeing excuses for the staffs willing ignorance. This is someones life your writeing about and they obviously need help. You cant be "nice" or "diplomatic" and just laugh it off or make jokes. I was in EC classes from 3rd grade to 8th. There were some profoundly screwed up people in there that they just shoved in a little corner room and never addressed their real problems. The system here fails these kids to and they carry those isshues the rest of their lives. I think a little emotional discomfort is worth it if it gets them help. I realise theres little you can do but little is still something.”

Personally, I believe Lukos is being unfair to Azrael. The Jet program takes young people just out of college and thrusts them into a different culture with the sole purpose of helping young kids in Middle School learn English. The Japanese do not expect or, I believe, want Jet Teachers to criticize their treatment of any abnormalities they believe might exist. Azrael’s popularity, his blog and this forum are creations of his writing ability, not his desire or ability to crusade on behalf of his students. It’s Azrael’s ability to generate a smile and even a laugh that keeps us coming back. If Azrael were serious all the time no one would read his editorials and this forum would simply not exist.

Do I believe the girl and boy in Azrael’s editorials might have serious problems? Yes, that’s certainly possible. But, isn’t the school already aware? Like Azrael, I am not so presumptuous to believe that I have the knowledge to question their response to the problem. My wife is a Psychiatric Nurse that has worked many years helping seriously mentally ill individuals live within the community. I believe even she would hesitate to intervene in a program already established by the school. Provided the girl and boy do not present a serious threat to either themselves or to others, the decision to intervene on their behalf rests with their parents, not a 20 something, foreign, English teacher.