This place is my only decent escapism from life.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

I decided to get rid of this.

As I said before I hate complaining and I was blowing off some steam. I'm alright now and lets make good with forgetting the topic.

[ellie]

Aww! Your sister sucks.

BuT! I am happy you're going on a date with grocery girl, that's exciting, I hope everything works out for you!

AnD! Although I think you need some real life friends, too, I'm glad that you have your OP9 buddies to turn to when you need someone to cheer you up or just listen or anything!

Good luck!

[Soli]

Siblings can suck. :( My little bro gets away with everything because he has ADD and my parents pin every trantrum on that and don't punish him.

[Radiance]

Well I don't have issues as bad as some of those, but yeah welcome to why i've been staying with a friend for like a month or so while searching for a job to get myself on my feet before I start university. Sometimes you just have to do things for yourself even if it makes things harder. :/

Having said that, good luck on your date. :x

[Mechs]

.............Ever think about joining a club? Or the military? Or just going to college. I mean you sound like anything that can get you away from your home will be a godsend. Anyway good luck on that and have a nice time on that date. Who knows, it might just be that salvation you're lookin for ;).

[PopCulturePooka]

Your sister sucks...

But whats so wrong with living at home besides the sibling issues?

I find this American mindset of having to move out of home when you are 18 and going 'dorm', lest you become some kind of social outcast very odd.

See in Australia many many university students (Dare I say the majority?) still live at home while studying unless they decide to go to a uni far from home. But mostly uni students go to a uni in the major city close to where they live. Hence being at home is much more convienient and easy.

[Lea]

^ Really? My parents wouldn't allow me keep living at home when I graduate from high school even if I wanted to. I've planned to go to a college out of state for as long as I can remember though. I will never go to college in this state. That would horrible.

Anyway, sorry about your sister. She sounds terrible. Hopefully things will get better. :(

[Mechs]

Your sister sucks...

But whats so wrong with living at home besides the sibling issues?

I find this American mindset of having to move out of home when you are 18 and going 'dorm', lest you become some kind of social outcast very odd.

See in Australia many many university students (Dare I say the majority?) still live at home while studying unless they decide to go to a uni far from home. But mostly uni students go to a uni in the major city close to where they live. Hence being at home is much more convienient and easy.

I don't know though. Seems to be a american way of thinking (I could be extremely mistaken on this though) . You know, to get out in the world instead of getting being under your parents every rule just cause you are living in their home (Thats how it would be for me anyways :( ).

I know once I hit 18 and I'm out of High School, Im gone, good bye, see ya when I sees ya, adios amigos, and all that jazz. Im sure most everyone in here that is american, under 18, and livin with their parents are thinking the same thing :D.

[Azrael]

Your sister sucks...

But whats so wrong with living at home besides the sibling issues?

I find this American mindset of having to move out of home when you are 18 and going 'dorm', lest you become some kind of social outcast very odd.

See in Australia many many university students (Dare I say the majority?) still live at home while studying unless they decide to go to a uni far from home. But mostly uni students go to a uni in the major city close to where they live. Hence being at home is much more convienient and easy.

Not to go too off-topic...

Yes, while living at home is convienient and easy, it may be a little too much so. People stay dependent, because they don't have a reason to be independent. Sure, I'd rather use the money I spend on rent and bills to buy a PS3 or something, but in doing that I've learned how to take care of myself and not need help from anyone. Not to mention the freedom - I can't imagine how I would have been able to accomplish my brief addiction to strip clubs if I had lived at home instead of in a apartment (with a roomie who helped to fuel the addiction).

[Zslash]

Not to go too off-topic...

Yes, while living at home is convienient and easy, it may be a little too much so. People stay dependent, because they don't have a reason to be independent. Sure, I'd rather use the money I spend on rent and bills to buy a PS3 or something, but in doing that I've learned how to take care of myself and not need help from anyone. Not to mention the freedom - I can't imagine how I would have been able to accomplish my brief addiction to strip clubs if I had lived at home instead of in a apartment (with a roomie who helped to fuel the addiction).


Going off from this "Independance" is a constant theme in alot of things. Being attatched to your parents gives the impression that you are not "fully grown up" yet.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

I suppose I should jump out of the pool and into the ocean then.

I plan on dorming it in a different college next year or finding an apartment. Right now I'll just be dependent.

[Radiance]

Not to go too off-topic...

Yes, while living at home is convienient and easy, it may be a little too much so. People stay dependent, because they don't have a reason to be independent. Sure, I'd rather use the money I spend on rent and bills to buy a PS3 or something, but in doing that I've learned how to take care of myself and not need help from anyone. Not to mention the freedom - I can't imagine how I would have been able to accomplish my brief addiction to strip clubs if I had lived at home instead of in a apartment (with a roomie who helped to fuel the addiction).

Again, not to get off-topic but while the norm seems like turning 18 and moving out is common, it really isn't. In fact most US citizens 18-24 live with their parents according to the census numbers i've seen. (I'll have to look for a link) Granted a lot move into a dorm for school, or go out of state, etc... but even from those that do, a lot of them end up moving back home for a while. Yes, the freedom is great, but its the responsibility that seems to kick most of them in the teeth. "What do you mean I have to take care of myself and pay my own bills and cook and clean and etc etc etc?"

[Pierrot le Fou]

Well, it's deceptive. I'm sure many (most?) poorer people continue to live with their family post high-school for lack of opportunity and money. People in the middle-class range who have kids who go to college and whatnot are still allowed to register their kids as a dependant because college dorms are not a year-round thing.

Basically, as stated before, college is a time when many parents feel that their children should develop a concept of independence and self-reliance as well as personal responsibility. While it isn't cutting them loose (as they don't have to worry about food because of a meal plan, or cleaning their own bathroom generally, or a slew of other parts of the daily grind), it is forcing them to moderate their own behaviour in many ways.

Nobody will wake them up to go to class if they don't do it themselves.

Nobody will tell them to do their homework.

Nobody will do their laundry for them.

While they're baby steps for independence, it's sort of a mid-way between living with your folks and true freedom and self-reliance. And many parents feel that's a good thing. It gives them a taste of responsibility with limits, without pushing them out of the nest and praying that they can learn how to fly before they hit the ground.

As to the OP, I would consider talking to your mother privately about this. I don't know how reasonable she is, but chances are that she's not happier about this than you are. If you two can at least create a unified front as to how far your sister is allowed to go, it may have a positive effect on her behaviour by making her realize that her games aren't fooling anyone, and are causing a strain on the goodwill of your family.

That may fail, I have no idea, but it's a suggestion.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

Oh we've talked and talked and talked.

I talked from day one about this.

It always comes up with "What about the children?"

[Pierrot le Fou]

What about the children? Are you going to be able to support them forever? Because unless you are, then eventually she's going to move out, and then the children are going to have a mother used to being coddled who can't properly take care of her kids.

Draw lines of behaviour. Threaten her with social services if you need to. There is no excuse for her behaviour.

[Trump]

If you are afraid for the children's well being, I would definately threaten with social services.

[aseriana]

Siblings can suck. :( My little bro gets away with everything because he has ADD and my parents pin every trantrum on that and don't punish him.

I have the same issue with my older deadbeat brother. He's almost 24, lives at home, has no job (and can't keep one) and my parents act like it's all fine and dandy because he has ADHD.

I however, have ADD, and am going to college, have goals in life (and of course, am 5 years younger than him) and i'm labeled as being "less defective" and have shitstorms of trouble rained down upon me for the lamest things. :/

[Jess]

I find this American mindset of having to move out of home when you are 18 and going 'dorm', lest you become some kind of social outcast very odd.

It's something, as an American, I've grown up with, so it was a bit of a shock to realize that being "dependent" wasn't all that negative in many cultures. My best friend Yumi still lives at home, because she's not married, and she's over 30. This is pretty normal in Japan. My parents, on the other hand, would only allow me to live at home over the summer if I was working full time and getting good grades in school. After getting back from my two year stint in Japan in 2002, the job market (esp. in Michigan. Ugh. 50th state out of 50 in terms of employment.) was in the crapper. My rent increased by $50 every three months until I got out of the house...whether I had found a job or not. O_o The Japanese considered this behavior to be quite cruel.

The "substitute teacher from hell" was complaining at work one day because she was finishing up a master's, teaching at school, cooking, cleaning, and getting lunch ready for her son early in the morning before school. Trying to be polite, I asked how old her son was. He was 12. My initial reaction was "He's 12? He can make his own lunch!" "Oh no!", the substitute teacher from hell exclaimed. "I'm not a bad mother!" We were coming at this from two diametrically opposed points of view. My teachers were horrified when I said that the vast majority of American high school students work. And that I was out of the house after graduating from high school. This behavior was frightening and wholly alien to them. But it's my norm.

In America we push kids to get up and out of the house. In Japan, mothers tend to encourage, rather than discourage, dependence.

One of my four year olds was brought to Chibiko eikaiwa by his mother. If she left the room he would have a typical small child tantrum - a screaming / crying fit. The mother would smile and run back to her son, holding him, hugging him etc. until he calmed down. She liked being needed by her young son in this way. My American point of view is "that's not healthy. he's four. He can be out of his mother's sight for an hour. And the way she smiles - the way she needs to be needed - is creeping me out." But to the Japanese, this is not unhealthy behavior. It's normal - and expected. It was a very interesting new perspective. All these things I've been raised on - things so ingrained in my psyche that I thought them universal truths - are really just...what I've been raised on. :)

[ruaidhri]

Number17, nobody is really alone in life’s experiences. You had already edited out your initial comments before I began reading this thread but I believe I understand your problem from the supportive comments offered by the other members. That’s what I like most about this forum. The members care about each other and honestly try to help each other.

First, I wish to comment about your sister. Because I haven’t read your initial post I don’t know the particulars. I do know she’s living with your family and it appears she has young children that your parents fear losing if she were to leave. Regarding the children, I suggest your parents contact an attorney to explore their options other than Social Services. Perhaps, Social Services may be the best option but I believe caution dictates that you explore other solutions. Simply threatening your sister may backfire causing her to flee with the children.

Yes, siblings can be difficult and parents can appear to ignore what one child does while expecting more of the other. As Bill Cosby says, parents don’t want justice, only peace. The more reasonable child always gets pressured to end the fight and acquiesce to the will of the more demanding and difficult child. True, it’s not fair, but it accomplishes the first goal of parenthood. It restores the peace if only on the surface.

I also had a difficult sister. My parents did everything for her. They even sent her away to one of the most expensive and prestigious schools in America for her Masters of Fine Arts degree. When she finished school she moved back into my parents home where her needs were more important and more demanding than anyone else’s. When she didn’t get her way she would spend hours locked in her room sobbing about how unfair life was to her. She never got a job. My parents supported her until the day they died. In her mid 40’s she did move in with a male friend and you could say they were common law married but she often returned home to Mom and Dad for months at a time. All the while she lived with her “friend” my father continued to send her money so she could continue to shop at Bloomindales, or wherever. When my father died, I even sent money to her every week.

When my sister died she left all her worldly possessions, including family heirlooms, to another friend, not the one she had been living with off and on for over 20 years. I was lucky that this friend gave me the family picture albums. Unfair, yes. But, that’s life. I sure wouldn’t trade my life for hers. I made my happiness where all she brought herself were tears.

Regarding independence and moving out of your parents house, I guess it depends on the parent. Following High School, I lived with my parents while attending college in the early 1960’s. Then, I entered the military and was away from home but certainly not independent because the military, like parents, can be very demanding. Following my discharge, I moved back into my parents home when I returned to college. Following college, I got a job and an apartment. Later, with marriage, I purchased a house and started the cycle anew with my own children.

No matter how old you are you are still a child to your parents. They never forget the hierarchy. They always worry about you and are always proud or upset about something you did or didn’t do. When you live at home you forfeit your freedom to be who you truly are. That can be a heavy price far costlier than rent. It’s really up to the individual if the loss of total independence is worth the temporary advantages of living at home.

I wish you happiness and good fortune. Ultimately, it’s up to you if you achieve it.

[Idlethought]

ruaidhri always seems to break shit down in the best way. i guess wisdom does come with age