JudoPorkChop
08-17-2005, 05:28 PM
Now, in the military, there are regulations for EVERYTHING. There used to be regulations on sex, but those were ruled unenforceable. There are a few ways that regulations get added, changed or deleted. All of these generally revolve around an ass.
1. A dumb-ass, being a dumb-ass, will get himself or others hurt, or make the military look stupid by doing something not covered in the current incarnation of the regulations. Dumb-asses do this quite regularly. Keesler AFB has specific rules governing the driving of a golf-cart off of the Marina. This should have already not been a good idea, but no rule said it was a BAD idea, and so now there is a golf cart at the bottom of the river, and a rule stating that driving golf carts into rivers is a bad idea.
2. A lazy-ass will half-ass a task, most times in the hopes that the end result will be the same as if he actually did some work. This will ALWAYS result in the half-assery being brought to light at the worst possible time. Quik-tite is not supposed to be used in place of a torque wrench. Hydraulic fluid isn't supposed to be used to lube the landing gear. A toilet-bowl float doesn't replace the float assembly on an oil-quantity transmitter. New rules will state that no, lazyass, you have to do the WHOLE job, not a work-around.
3. A smart-ass will notice a lapse in the rules, and exploit the hell out of it for amusement, profit, whatever. Those in the military know that supply people are your best friend. They can issue you personal equipment that you are allowed to keep, even as a civilian. I have a set of nifty JLIST chem gear because of just such an issuance. If you have a stock number, and a fairly good BS line, you can get things like plasma TV's issued to your squadron.
Exploiting the rules for amusement is where I come in. Previously, AETC regs stated that all maneuvers while marching a flight had to be called by the marshal, executed uniformly and in cadence. In fourteen days, I caused new rules.
The basics: You hear it all the time: "Hup! Two! Three! Four!" That is cadence. Step off on left, two is right. Called commands are columns, flanks, half movements, look up the basics on military drill to get detailed. What you need to know is this: Command is called, and flight executes. Now, with what the above states, I bring you the now banned commands.
Backwards March: Duh. Backwards. It took a while to get everyone down with timing and cadence, but once we got it perfect, it was amazing. Imagine a group of twenty people marching, then suddenly they're facing the opposite way, but still marching in the same direction. Fucking awesome.
Breakdown March:An eight-count motion, you bring your hands up to chest level, rock side to side and lean down on counts one through four, and back up on five through eight. Guaranteed to have any MTL that has the power of sight (Military Training Leader, Tech School TI) hot on your ass until you read the reg in its former incarnation. This, and the normal follow up of the A-Town March is what got the rule changed. Yes, the A-town March is exactly as you might envision it.
Now, it must be one of the pre-approved marching commands taught when marching a flight. But even then, they couldn't stop the madness of a double To The Rear coupled with a double half right/half left combo. Again, you kinda have to know what I'm talking about to see why that's so freaking funny, so apologies to those not familiar with drill.
Onward to parts ordering, and again, making new rules. In certain order logs, all you have are the stock number, order number, requester's name, approver's name, name of item, and date ordered. This is to simplify the ordering process. There is one supply squadron that will never use these forms again, because while parts and assemblies have stock numbers, so does the finished product. Woe be to unfortunate airman who approved my order for a brand new C-130 J-model aircraft. Now, he didn't have the proper fast-talking skills that I did. It's almost funny to tell a Lt. Colonel that you need the plane to fix an autopilot problem. Funnier still when you say that if the plane is ordered, it's a guaranteed fix, and the problem won't re-occur. Smiles tend to fade when in return he asks if he can bill you for the $60 million or so that a factory fresh C130J is gonna run. The order got cancelled before I left his office.
Deployments allow for servicemen to travel to exotic lands, encounter peoples from strange and different cultures, and apparently do everything possible to piss them off. American servicemembers are still banned from being off-site during Muslim holy days. Why? All it takes is A.) One braless Staff Sargeant, B.) Drunken airmen following her, C.) A porkchop dinner, and D.) Ramadan happening all at the same time. Glad that one never made the news. I wasn't part of it, and I will not retell the tale that was told me. Oh, but that's the Middle East! Okay, try Suda Bay, Crete, and having a fight with a German Naval Detachment, British RAF, and two hookers so old they get called the Whoreasaurus Rex. No? How about breaking the weight limit on a C-130 because there's 300 pounds of Irish whiskey hidden under the floor panels? Yeah, now customs has to damn near dismantle the planes when they come back. There's still empty panels in the cargo ramp, though...
1. A dumb-ass, being a dumb-ass, will get himself or others hurt, or make the military look stupid by doing something not covered in the current incarnation of the regulations. Dumb-asses do this quite regularly. Keesler AFB has specific rules governing the driving of a golf-cart off of the Marina. This should have already not been a good idea, but no rule said it was a BAD idea, and so now there is a golf cart at the bottom of the river, and a rule stating that driving golf carts into rivers is a bad idea.
2. A lazy-ass will half-ass a task, most times in the hopes that the end result will be the same as if he actually did some work. This will ALWAYS result in the half-assery being brought to light at the worst possible time. Quik-tite is not supposed to be used in place of a torque wrench. Hydraulic fluid isn't supposed to be used to lube the landing gear. A toilet-bowl float doesn't replace the float assembly on an oil-quantity transmitter. New rules will state that no, lazyass, you have to do the WHOLE job, not a work-around.
3. A smart-ass will notice a lapse in the rules, and exploit the hell out of it for amusement, profit, whatever. Those in the military know that supply people are your best friend. They can issue you personal equipment that you are allowed to keep, even as a civilian. I have a set of nifty JLIST chem gear because of just such an issuance. If you have a stock number, and a fairly good BS line, you can get things like plasma TV's issued to your squadron.
Exploiting the rules for amusement is where I come in. Previously, AETC regs stated that all maneuvers while marching a flight had to be called by the marshal, executed uniformly and in cadence. In fourteen days, I caused new rules.
The basics: You hear it all the time: "Hup! Two! Three! Four!" That is cadence. Step off on left, two is right. Called commands are columns, flanks, half movements, look up the basics on military drill to get detailed. What you need to know is this: Command is called, and flight executes. Now, with what the above states, I bring you the now banned commands.
Backwards March: Duh. Backwards. It took a while to get everyone down with timing and cadence, but once we got it perfect, it was amazing. Imagine a group of twenty people marching, then suddenly they're facing the opposite way, but still marching in the same direction. Fucking awesome.
Breakdown March:An eight-count motion, you bring your hands up to chest level, rock side to side and lean down on counts one through four, and back up on five through eight. Guaranteed to have any MTL that has the power of sight (Military Training Leader, Tech School TI) hot on your ass until you read the reg in its former incarnation. This, and the normal follow up of the A-Town March is what got the rule changed. Yes, the A-town March is exactly as you might envision it.
Now, it must be one of the pre-approved marching commands taught when marching a flight. But even then, they couldn't stop the madness of a double To The Rear coupled with a double half right/half left combo. Again, you kinda have to know what I'm talking about to see why that's so freaking funny, so apologies to those not familiar with drill.
Onward to parts ordering, and again, making new rules. In certain order logs, all you have are the stock number, order number, requester's name, approver's name, name of item, and date ordered. This is to simplify the ordering process. There is one supply squadron that will never use these forms again, because while parts and assemblies have stock numbers, so does the finished product. Woe be to unfortunate airman who approved my order for a brand new C-130 J-model aircraft. Now, he didn't have the proper fast-talking skills that I did. It's almost funny to tell a Lt. Colonel that you need the plane to fix an autopilot problem. Funnier still when you say that if the plane is ordered, it's a guaranteed fix, and the problem won't re-occur. Smiles tend to fade when in return he asks if he can bill you for the $60 million or so that a factory fresh C130J is gonna run. The order got cancelled before I left his office.
Deployments allow for servicemen to travel to exotic lands, encounter peoples from strange and different cultures, and apparently do everything possible to piss them off. American servicemembers are still banned from being off-site during Muslim holy days. Why? All it takes is A.) One braless Staff Sargeant, B.) Drunken airmen following her, C.) A porkchop dinner, and D.) Ramadan happening all at the same time. Glad that one never made the news. I wasn't part of it, and I will not retell the tale that was told me. Oh, but that's the Middle East! Okay, try Suda Bay, Crete, and having a fight with a German Naval Detachment, British RAF, and two hookers so old they get called the Whoreasaurus Rex. No? How about breaking the weight limit on a C-130 because there's 300 pounds of Irish whiskey hidden under the floor panels? Yeah, now customs has to damn near dismantle the planes when they come back. There's still empty panels in the cargo ramp, though...