Chuplayer
10-05-2005, 02:00 AM
NO BRICK AND MORTAR STORE WANTS TO CARRY CARDCAPTOR SAKURA: THE CLOW BOOK. WTF.
But that's not the point of this story. Well, it kind of is. But whatever. Just read it.
I went to Suncoast to pick myself up a minty fresh Cardcaptor Sakura: Clow Book set today. I've been waiting for this set for months. I've been saving my money for it since before it was officially announced. Today was the release day, but nobody had it for some strange reason. So I went to Suncoast last. Suncoast was the store in which I purchased my first anime. I forget if it was Tenchi Forever (which sucked) or Princess Mononoke (which sucked at first, but ruled three years later), but I guess the order doesn't really matter. I thought maybe, perhaps, possibly, they would get it. They've got loads of box sets, old and new. So, off to Suncoast I went.
Since Suncoast is located in the mall, I had to go to the mall. Duh. I walked into the mall. God, I hate that place. It has this particular stench, and it was particularly potent today. But enough of this shit.
I walked into Suncoast. The anime section is located in the back, so I had to plan my route strategically. I quickly turned left so as to avoid the people who work there. I don't want them talking to me. I wouldn't want to talk to them if I was buying something like X-Men 2 (which I really have to get around to watching one of these days, been putting that off for nearly two years), but I especially don't want to talk to anybody when I buy little girl cartoons. Successfully breaking to the left, I was greeted by a fallen stack of DVD cases. No amount of fallen packaging could keep me from my sugary-sweet prize. So I took off my pants and did a Raiden-esque naked cartwheel. Nobody had exclamation marks above their heads, so I knew nobody saw me. I then put my pants back on when I made my way halfway through the store. I then paused for a moment to take a look at this AC/DC DVD they had. I like AC/DC, but I'd probably never buy a music DVD. Ever. Except for a sort of DVD audio. But only if it's like they did for that new Bruce Springsteen album Devils and Dust where it was a 2-sided disc, one side CD and the other side DVD. I then shifted my focus back to the task at hand. Cardcaptor Sakura. I made my way to the back of the store.
All of a sudden, a Metal Gear crashed into the side of the store! It was a Rex model. I took a cue from Revolution X and used music as my weapon. Except Suncoast isn't a music store. Well, they have some CDs, but it's mainly DVDs. So I had to improvise. I tossed DVDs at the Metal Gear. I tossed some sixteen discs at the radar before I did something drastic. I had been jumping around and dodging machine gun fire constantly. I needed a smart bomb. That's when I saw it. That AC/DC DVD from earlier. I quicly grasped it in my grubby little mits and yelled, "FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU!!!" I then tossed it at the radar and the radar blew up spectacularily. When the cockpit opened, I was totally unprepared for what I saw. The pilot wasn't Liquid Snake, but rather Oscar the Grouch! Oscar told me that he pimped out his old trash can. We kicked back and laughed for a little bit. Then he backed up his trash can Metal Gear and left the store.
I was on the home stretch. The back of the store was in sight. I could see the anime DVDs lined up on the wall. However, what I encountered was more fearsome than six battalions of Skynet machinery after becoming self-aware. I had to face down the most powerful enemy known to man.
The otaku.
There were three of those bastards. They were about my age. Two male, one female. All giggling like females, no less. One of them had a cameraphone. The other two stood in front of the anime shelf. Those two then donned their battle armor: cute anime animal hats. I didn't recognize the particular character they were masquerading as, but it was easily as sickeningly cute as Pikachu.
My stomach twisted. My face turned pale. My eyes bugged out. I wasn't afraid of the people who worked at the store. I wasn't afraid of Metal Gear Sesame Street. I wasn't even afraid of doing naked cartwheels in front of old ladies. But, by God, I was practically pissing my pants out of fear when I saw The Otaku. I never even believed they existed. I thought they were just an internet urban legend. I thought the "drag queens with more imagination" were just a myth. Nothing could've prepared me for this encounter.
So I did what any good man would do. I ducked and hid behind a shelf. Before too long, the enemy Otaku exited the area. I was ill-equipped to handle this one. I had already used up all my AC/DC smart bombs, and Suncoast was too lame to stock any Dream Theater DVDs, so I was out of ammo. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day, you know?
After the otaku vacated the premesis, I moved over to the anime shelf. By this time I had forgotten what I was there for, but I quickly reminded myself. I looked for Cardcaptor Sakura. Nothing.
On my way out of the store, like a defeated warrior, I turned around, fell to my knees, raised my fists in the air, and shouted, "I shall fight no more, forever!"
Fuck B&M. Online stores are better for anime.
But that's not the point of this story. Well, it kind of is. But whatever. Just read it.
I went to Suncoast to pick myself up a minty fresh Cardcaptor Sakura: Clow Book set today. I've been waiting for this set for months. I've been saving my money for it since before it was officially announced. Today was the release day, but nobody had it for some strange reason. So I went to Suncoast last. Suncoast was the store in which I purchased my first anime. I forget if it was Tenchi Forever (which sucked) or Princess Mononoke (which sucked at first, but ruled three years later), but I guess the order doesn't really matter. I thought maybe, perhaps, possibly, they would get it. They've got loads of box sets, old and new. So, off to Suncoast I went.
Since Suncoast is located in the mall, I had to go to the mall. Duh. I walked into the mall. God, I hate that place. It has this particular stench, and it was particularly potent today. But enough of this shit.
I walked into Suncoast. The anime section is located in the back, so I had to plan my route strategically. I quickly turned left so as to avoid the people who work there. I don't want them talking to me. I wouldn't want to talk to them if I was buying something like X-Men 2 (which I really have to get around to watching one of these days, been putting that off for nearly two years), but I especially don't want to talk to anybody when I buy little girl cartoons. Successfully breaking to the left, I was greeted by a fallen stack of DVD cases. No amount of fallen packaging could keep me from my sugary-sweet prize. So I took off my pants and did a Raiden-esque naked cartwheel. Nobody had exclamation marks above their heads, so I knew nobody saw me. I then put my pants back on when I made my way halfway through the store. I then paused for a moment to take a look at this AC/DC DVD they had. I like AC/DC, but I'd probably never buy a music DVD. Ever. Except for a sort of DVD audio. But only if it's like they did for that new Bruce Springsteen album Devils and Dust where it was a 2-sided disc, one side CD and the other side DVD. I then shifted my focus back to the task at hand. Cardcaptor Sakura. I made my way to the back of the store.
All of a sudden, a Metal Gear crashed into the side of the store! It was a Rex model. I took a cue from Revolution X and used music as my weapon. Except Suncoast isn't a music store. Well, they have some CDs, but it's mainly DVDs. So I had to improvise. I tossed DVDs at the Metal Gear. I tossed some sixteen discs at the radar before I did something drastic. I had been jumping around and dodging machine gun fire constantly. I needed a smart bomb. That's when I saw it. That AC/DC DVD from earlier. I quicly grasped it in my grubby little mits and yelled, "FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE SALUTE YOU!!!" I then tossed it at the radar and the radar blew up spectacularily. When the cockpit opened, I was totally unprepared for what I saw. The pilot wasn't Liquid Snake, but rather Oscar the Grouch! Oscar told me that he pimped out his old trash can. We kicked back and laughed for a little bit. Then he backed up his trash can Metal Gear and left the store.
I was on the home stretch. The back of the store was in sight. I could see the anime DVDs lined up on the wall. However, what I encountered was more fearsome than six battalions of Skynet machinery after becoming self-aware. I had to face down the most powerful enemy known to man.
The otaku.
There were three of those bastards. They were about my age. Two male, one female. All giggling like females, no less. One of them had a cameraphone. The other two stood in front of the anime shelf. Those two then donned their battle armor: cute anime animal hats. I didn't recognize the particular character they were masquerading as, but it was easily as sickeningly cute as Pikachu.
My stomach twisted. My face turned pale. My eyes bugged out. I wasn't afraid of the people who worked at the store. I wasn't afraid of Metal Gear Sesame Street. I wasn't even afraid of doing naked cartwheels in front of old ladies. But, by God, I was practically pissing my pants out of fear when I saw The Otaku. I never even believed they existed. I thought they were just an internet urban legend. I thought the "drag queens with more imagination" were just a myth. Nothing could've prepared me for this encounter.
So I did what any good man would do. I ducked and hid behind a shelf. Before too long, the enemy Otaku exited the area. I was ill-equipped to handle this one. I had already used up all my AC/DC smart bombs, and Suncoast was too lame to stock any Dream Theater DVDs, so I was out of ammo. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day, you know?
After the otaku vacated the premesis, I moved over to the anime shelf. By this time I had forgotten what I was there for, but I quickly reminded myself. I looked for Cardcaptor Sakura. Nothing.
On my way out of the store, like a defeated warrior, I turned around, fell to my knees, raised my fists in the air, and shouted, "I shall fight no more, forever!"
Fuck B&M. Online stores are better for anime.