Wizdom
10-01-2005, 03:37 AM
Aint That a Bitch pt 8, 9, 10
Because my homie P.Wyld, Brutha Jay, Brutha Fujin, Brutha Mushu, e-sister Shamu , e-sister Van and my ex ahisma wants it, here's another ATAB story.
Whew!…. the list is getting long
*Disclaimer: this may contain explicit material that may gross out some people.
Sorry for the long wait between my editorials. I lost my Internet connection for a little bit and life is kicking my ass.
So to atone for the lack of ATAB for the last week, I’m including 3 ATAB editorials today
Family and Friends
Aint That a Bitch pt 8: My crazy Aunt.
The setup: My Aunt, (lets call her Aunt S), is crazy! You know those insane soccer moms who love to be into everything and completely control there kids lives? Well Aunt S is that to the 100 power! Aunt S = Hyperactive Super controlling Soccer Mom times a hundred. She is upper middle class and drives a Mercedes-Benz. But here’s the kicker, she is from the south. She was born in raised in a dirt town in Alabama. So sometimes those country tendencies come out.
The story: One summer my cousin was getting married. So I flew out to California to go to the wedding. Aunt S, who is the biggest busybody in the world, also flew out to Cali for the wedding.
So one afternoon we went to Venice beach, my Aunt, my cousins and myself. We had a great day at the beach. Chillin out, relaxing, and me macking to some of the chicks. I even got a strippers cell phone number (hmmm…. maybe ill tell that story later. J), so after a long day at the beach we pack it up and head home.
While driving home, (we were at a point near Santa Monica, or the richest part of Venice beach), and my aunts says “ hmm yawl hungry? I want some chicken! Yawl know where KFC is around here”
We was all like “ nah we never been to Venice beach before”
The my aunt gets all crazy. And starts rocking in her seat.
Then she goes “Im hungry yawl!!, maybe someone round here knows where I can get some chicken.
By this time my cousin are trying to hid in the backseat cause they know Aunt S is about to show her ass. But I couldn’t hide cause I was riding shotgun in the front seat.
My aunt slams on the breaks. In the middle of the street mind you. And rolls down the window and starts yelling at people on the street. At first it wasn’t that bad. She simply asked, “Do you know where KFC is”. But when she couldn’t get a straight answer she starts barking out. “CHICKEN!! Do you know where I can get some CHIKEN!!”. “ I WANT CHIOKENNNNNNNN!!”
I was like damn, your just perpetuating the stereotype that black people will kill for some chicken. I mean damn. I like chicken too, but to bumrushing strangers on the street for chicken is going to far.
================================================== ================================================== ==========================
Aint That a Bitch pt 9: My gangster Uncle.
The Facts: My uncle (who’s is married to Aunt S) just maybe crazier than her. Lets call him uncle B. Uncle B is very stiff and refined man. He is a deacon at his church and he works for the pentagon as an accountant. He is also one of the most impatient and stuck up people I know. His ass is tighter than Hillary Clintons NahNi. Consequently, he is also for the backwards ass town that Aunt S is from. And from time to time he shows out and lets you know how gangster he can get too.
His nickname for my aunt is Coke. One time I asked him, why do you call her coke. And he goes “ when we was younger she had a figure like a coke-a-cola bottle, but I guess I should call her grapefruit now. He says this right in front of her and smacks her ass.
Uncle B = gangster.
The story: One summer Aunt S, Uncle B and their kids decide to visit us. Since they live in DC and we live in Connecticut we would call them on the cell phone from time to make sure they didn’t get lost.
So the whole trip Aunt S would call us every time they get into a new state and let us know where they was. Uncle B would drive and had to put up with Aunt S calling every 30 minutes. So after 8 hours of this, Uncle B had lost his cool.
On top of this, Aunt S who was acting in rare form began to get real ignorant and give Uncle B bad navigation. So when they got lost in the Bronx (about 40 minutes from my house), they saw the bad neighborhoods they called our house again asking for directions.
This is what we heard on the phone:
Aunt S “ Hey its us again I think we are lost”
Uncle B in the background “ Nah I know where we are, I used come down here all the time “ (I told you my uncle was gangster)
My mom “well where are you? What city?
Aunt S “I don’t know we are lost”
Uncle B in the background “We aren’t lost, I keep telling you, I know where we are”
My mom “well what do you see, do you see and landmarks or exit signs that says where you are?”
Aunt S “ Um I don’t know. Um I see a burger king, um wendy’s um..
Uncle B” WE are in Co-op Muther fucking City!, shut the fuck up!”
At the point both all my cousins and me were on the floor laughing so hard I was seeing stars and twinkle and stuff. Because here is Mr. Tight ass churchman himself curse his ass off!
Needless to say 40 minutes latter they arrived at our house.
Moral of the story is: uncle B is gangster.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aint That a Bitch pt 10: My Dad’s Jamaican Friends.
The setup: My dad has an abundance of crazy Jamaican friends. In fact I could write from now until doomsday about his friends but for now ill tell you about mike.
Mike owns a carwash/car shop. When my car broke down, instead of going to Meinke or Midas or any other reputable mechanic, my father takes me to mikes shop and to see his mechanic Andrew.
Yo!, not for nothing, Andrew is the man!, He did amazing work to my work for a good price and hours of entertainment. Unlike most mechanics who work to the raido or a boombox, Andrew works to his dvd player with reggae concerts. It isn’t so much the concerts that are funny but the conversations between mike and Andrew about the concerts.
The story:
Half of what makes this story funny is the language and accents that Jamaicans use. So in efforts of prosperity I will attempt to write this story as I experienced it in patois.
Patois is the language that Jamaicans speak. It has all the basic form, function and etiquette as Queens English, but with added attitude, slang and rudeness. For example: “my mom went home” in Queens English would be: “My mum return to her quarters” In patois it would be: “Me sir, mom gon home, me kno”
But since I know most of you don’t want to decipher patois ill write this in two versions. American English and Patois.
Patois
----------------------------------------------------------------------
mike : “dey gal de pon de tae got de seriousssssss pon pon ya know mon”
Andrew: “dey fat man, dem womens de fat for me sir”
mike: “fat pon pon be de BEST!. Gon de tel you pon dis gal pon me actions mon”
Andrew: “haHA, me sir hear ye love de biggys mon!”
mike: “dis gal dey call de Rita sir. Me sir, get gal pon pon longtime ye know de mon, and she, come pon de house all de time now. One dey after me work de man. Me sir
cal he pon up. And tell her, say. “Me commn over dey riiight now. and me no
want no foolishness. Me want cha buttnecked when me sir get there… me want no foolishness”
So ya know me went to me sa gal house. And she answer pon door with all her clothes pon on. Me was furious!!!! sir . Me went all de wey te de gal house and she sir hav all her cloths pon on. Me just bou de leave and she drop her clothe de off soo fas. It was dey blink, and dey was off.
So me take her pon dey bed. And me start put some serious work pon de pon pon.. me sir make some serius sex pon dey. And bout 10 minutes into.. she dey say “ wha wha what happen what happen. What dey doin?” me say” what ya mena me doin” dun de feel m e sexion:’ she say’ eh.. you not der.” You pon me leg!!”
you know me was sooo supriese because eme knew me was doing some sierous sexins and she now eme there”
English
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Hey man those girls on those tapes have some good ass NanNi
Andrew: Those women are fat man! Those women are way to fat for me.
Mike: Eh Man They got the best!! NahNi, let me tell you about this fat girl I was with.
Andrew: Yeah I heard you like the fat girls.
Mike: Ight. There was this girl name Rita right. And I was messing with her for a long time. So one day after work, I call her up and say “ I coming over your house and I don’t want any foolishness. I really tired and I don’t want any bullshit, so I want you naked when I answer the door so we can get right into it.”
So when I get over her house, she still have on all her clothes! I was so furious! I was about to leave and the next thing you know she was naked. It was like I blinked and she had took off all her clothes. She got off like OJ.
So we go to the bed and im banging the hell out of her NahNi. I was putting in some serious work on her NahNi. I was breathing hard and sweating like I was Michael Jackson at daycare. So about 10 minutes into she was like “ wait wait wait!, what are you doin”
I say “you don’t know what im doin?, can you feel me putting some serious sexing on you”
She says “ Wha.. you not there.. You on my leg!!”
She had soo much fat that I was fucking the meat between her leg and croucth.!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was at this point that I was laughing so hard I could breathe. We all were. I swear Andrew almost dropped my car on his leg he was laughing do hard.
So the moral is when you sexing a biggum make sure “Your there”
Slang dictionary
------------------------------------
NahNi : (punah-ni, punnay, pussy)
Because my homie P.Wyld, Brutha Jay, Brutha Fujin, Brutha Mushu, e-sister Shamu , e-sister Van and my ex ahisma wants it, here's another ATAB story.
Whew!…. the list is getting long
*Disclaimer: this may contain explicit material that may gross out some people.
Sorry for the long wait between my editorials. I lost my Internet connection for a little bit and life is kicking my ass.
So to atone for the lack of ATAB for the last week, I’m including 3 ATAB editorials today
Family and Friends
Aint That a Bitch pt 8: My crazy Aunt.
The setup: My Aunt, (lets call her Aunt S), is crazy! You know those insane soccer moms who love to be into everything and completely control there kids lives? Well Aunt S is that to the 100 power! Aunt S = Hyperactive Super controlling Soccer Mom times a hundred. She is upper middle class and drives a Mercedes-Benz. But here’s the kicker, she is from the south. She was born in raised in a dirt town in Alabama. So sometimes those country tendencies come out.
The story: One summer my cousin was getting married. So I flew out to California to go to the wedding. Aunt S, who is the biggest busybody in the world, also flew out to Cali for the wedding.
So one afternoon we went to Venice beach, my Aunt, my cousins and myself. We had a great day at the beach. Chillin out, relaxing, and me macking to some of the chicks. I even got a strippers cell phone number (hmmm…. maybe ill tell that story later. J), so after a long day at the beach we pack it up and head home.
While driving home, (we were at a point near Santa Monica, or the richest part of Venice beach), and my aunts says “ hmm yawl hungry? I want some chicken! Yawl know where KFC is around here”
We was all like “ nah we never been to Venice beach before”
The my aunt gets all crazy. And starts rocking in her seat.
Then she goes “Im hungry yawl!!, maybe someone round here knows where I can get some chicken.
By this time my cousin are trying to hid in the backseat cause they know Aunt S is about to show her ass. But I couldn’t hide cause I was riding shotgun in the front seat.
My aunt slams on the breaks. In the middle of the street mind you. And rolls down the window and starts yelling at people on the street. At first it wasn’t that bad. She simply asked, “Do you know where KFC is”. But when she couldn’t get a straight answer she starts barking out. “CHICKEN!! Do you know where I can get some CHIKEN!!”. “ I WANT CHIOKENNNNNNNN!!”
I was like damn, your just perpetuating the stereotype that black people will kill for some chicken. I mean damn. I like chicken too, but to bumrushing strangers on the street for chicken is going to far.
================================================== ================================================== ==========================
Aint That a Bitch pt 9: My gangster Uncle.
The Facts: My uncle (who’s is married to Aunt S) just maybe crazier than her. Lets call him uncle B. Uncle B is very stiff and refined man. He is a deacon at his church and he works for the pentagon as an accountant. He is also one of the most impatient and stuck up people I know. His ass is tighter than Hillary Clintons NahNi. Consequently, he is also for the backwards ass town that Aunt S is from. And from time to time he shows out and lets you know how gangster he can get too.
His nickname for my aunt is Coke. One time I asked him, why do you call her coke. And he goes “ when we was younger she had a figure like a coke-a-cola bottle, but I guess I should call her grapefruit now. He says this right in front of her and smacks her ass.
Uncle B = gangster.
The story: One summer Aunt S, Uncle B and their kids decide to visit us. Since they live in DC and we live in Connecticut we would call them on the cell phone from time to make sure they didn’t get lost.
So the whole trip Aunt S would call us every time they get into a new state and let us know where they was. Uncle B would drive and had to put up with Aunt S calling every 30 minutes. So after 8 hours of this, Uncle B had lost his cool.
On top of this, Aunt S who was acting in rare form began to get real ignorant and give Uncle B bad navigation. So when they got lost in the Bronx (about 40 minutes from my house), they saw the bad neighborhoods they called our house again asking for directions.
This is what we heard on the phone:
Aunt S “ Hey its us again I think we are lost”
Uncle B in the background “ Nah I know where we are, I used come down here all the time “ (I told you my uncle was gangster)
My mom “well where are you? What city?
Aunt S “I don’t know we are lost”
Uncle B in the background “We aren’t lost, I keep telling you, I know where we are”
My mom “well what do you see, do you see and landmarks or exit signs that says where you are?”
Aunt S “ Um I don’t know. Um I see a burger king, um wendy’s um..
Uncle B” WE are in Co-op Muther fucking City!, shut the fuck up!”
At the point both all my cousins and me were on the floor laughing so hard I was seeing stars and twinkle and stuff. Because here is Mr. Tight ass churchman himself curse his ass off!
Needless to say 40 minutes latter they arrived at our house.
Moral of the story is: uncle B is gangster.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aint That a Bitch pt 10: My Dad’s Jamaican Friends.
The setup: My dad has an abundance of crazy Jamaican friends. In fact I could write from now until doomsday about his friends but for now ill tell you about mike.
Mike owns a carwash/car shop. When my car broke down, instead of going to Meinke or Midas or any other reputable mechanic, my father takes me to mikes shop and to see his mechanic Andrew.
Yo!, not for nothing, Andrew is the man!, He did amazing work to my work for a good price and hours of entertainment. Unlike most mechanics who work to the raido or a boombox, Andrew works to his dvd player with reggae concerts. It isn’t so much the concerts that are funny but the conversations between mike and Andrew about the concerts.
The story:
Half of what makes this story funny is the language and accents that Jamaicans use. So in efforts of prosperity I will attempt to write this story as I experienced it in patois.
Patois is the language that Jamaicans speak. It has all the basic form, function and etiquette as Queens English, but with added attitude, slang and rudeness. For example: “my mom went home” in Queens English would be: “My mum return to her quarters” In patois it would be: “Me sir, mom gon home, me kno”
But since I know most of you don’t want to decipher patois ill write this in two versions. American English and Patois.
Patois
----------------------------------------------------------------------
mike : “dey gal de pon de tae got de seriousssssss pon pon ya know mon”
Andrew: “dey fat man, dem womens de fat for me sir”
mike: “fat pon pon be de BEST!. Gon de tel you pon dis gal pon me actions mon”
Andrew: “haHA, me sir hear ye love de biggys mon!”
mike: “dis gal dey call de Rita sir. Me sir, get gal pon pon longtime ye know de mon, and she, come pon de house all de time now. One dey after me work de man. Me sir
cal he pon up. And tell her, say. “Me commn over dey riiight now. and me no
want no foolishness. Me want cha buttnecked when me sir get there… me want no foolishness”
So ya know me went to me sa gal house. And she answer pon door with all her clothes pon on. Me was furious!!!! sir . Me went all de wey te de gal house and she sir hav all her cloths pon on. Me just bou de leave and she drop her clothe de off soo fas. It was dey blink, and dey was off.
So me take her pon dey bed. And me start put some serious work pon de pon pon.. me sir make some serius sex pon dey. And bout 10 minutes into.. she dey say “ wha wha what happen what happen. What dey doin?” me say” what ya mena me doin” dun de feel m e sexion:’ she say’ eh.. you not der.” You pon me leg!!”
you know me was sooo supriese because eme knew me was doing some sierous sexins and she now eme there”
English
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Hey man those girls on those tapes have some good ass NanNi
Andrew: Those women are fat man! Those women are way to fat for me.
Mike: Eh Man They got the best!! NahNi, let me tell you about this fat girl I was with.
Andrew: Yeah I heard you like the fat girls.
Mike: Ight. There was this girl name Rita right. And I was messing with her for a long time. So one day after work, I call her up and say “ I coming over your house and I don’t want any foolishness. I really tired and I don’t want any bullshit, so I want you naked when I answer the door so we can get right into it.”
So when I get over her house, she still have on all her clothes! I was so furious! I was about to leave and the next thing you know she was naked. It was like I blinked and she had took off all her clothes. She got off like OJ.
So we go to the bed and im banging the hell out of her NahNi. I was putting in some serious work on her NahNi. I was breathing hard and sweating like I was Michael Jackson at daycare. So about 10 minutes into she was like “ wait wait wait!, what are you doin”
I say “you don’t know what im doin?, can you feel me putting some serious sexing on you”
She says “ Wha.. you not there.. You on my leg!!”
She had soo much fat that I was fucking the meat between her leg and croucth.!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was at this point that I was laughing so hard I could breathe. We all were. I swear Andrew almost dropped my car on his leg he was laughing do hard.
So the moral is when you sexing a biggum make sure “Your there”
Slang dictionary
------------------------------------
NahNi : (punah-ni, punnay, pussy)