The Sky Knight.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

I'm going to re-write this...

I'll revive it later, but I found something else I want to do...

[keitaidensha]

if shakespeare were retarded and lived in the present day i could see him writing something way better than this.

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

if shakespeare were retarded and lived in the present day i could see him writing something way better than this.

There is a difference between constructive criticism and just being an ass.

Wanna guess which category you fit in?

[keitaidensha]

There is a difference between constructive criticism and just being an ass.

Wanna guess which category you fit in?

you didn't list awesome as a category.

okay:

story is ridiculously generic. blah blah war blah blah evil goblins let's get a god to help our fair kingdom blah blah blah. don't try to say "but it's the writing style that you should be paying attention to" because...

the writing is bloated, dry and bad. there's a reason nobody attempts to write in 17th century english anymore--unless you are a 17th century englishman, it just sounds stupid. i would never, EVER call this shakespearean other than that it has a bunch of "thou"s and "hath"s, because shakespeare had eloquent wordplay, poetry, dazzling imagery and wit on his side. you have crap.

your metaphors need a lot of work. lol @ "roar of oncoming doom."

the characters are caricatures. not one of them could ever be mistaken for a real person.

tepid though the genre may be, there's always room for creativity in fantasy. your story is not it.

[more cheerios]

There's a difference between criticism and a downright annoyance.

Anyways.

I would suggest trying to write something a little more lighthearted and modern for your first play. As a writer, trust me, you don't want to dive into an epic, medieval tale for your first play. @___@
It can get frusterating as hell, as well.
Also, you're trying to write in Elizabethen, which is hard. You didn't quite grasp it completely, it will probably take you a bit to learn. Elizabethen is something you don't want to write in unless you know it well.

Well, good luck in your writing. (:

[Sock Full of Boiled Dimes]

I would hope people would get that the Magistrate is telling the story and this is really only in his storytelling tone.

The play ISN'T all in 17th century speaking except for the Magistrate and he's barely in it.

I thought I could clear a few things up...

Oh...

ITS ONLY THE BLOODY PROLOUGE FOR CHRIST SAKES! GIMME TIME TO MAKE MORE ACTS BEFORE YOU JUDGE IT YOU TWIT!

[Masa the Masta]

Internet anger...that's no good.

I'm sorry, but as soon as I started to read the first line I was er...a bit thrown off by it.

Or should I say turned off.

:S Sorry mate, your stuff didn't grab my attention and I skipped through it. Sincerest apologies.

[hapacheese]

number17: I see what you're trying to do, but it's pretty rough around the edges at this point. I know it's your rough draft and everything, but I'll give you a few pointers.

1) And I mean this in the sincerest way possible: run spellcheck. In forum messages and whatnot, I don't care about the occasional misspelled word, but when you are trying to engross someone in a story, misspelled words, particularly when there are lots of them, can be very distracting.

2) The faux-Elizabethan English, even though used sparingly, doesn't quite work. You can tone back the usage and make it sound still somewhat medieval, but as others have said, don't try it unless you're a master.

3) The dialog is a bit heavy. It's relying on a bit too much needless exposition at this point. For example, this section:


ALIXIS: If you could not see it before then see it now for the city is soon be lost and all my husband fought for still be for nothing.
PERMIUS: Your husband did not die in vain for I was in the battle field when the goblin hoard marched on us in a lightning pace. As the battle seemed lost and all hope seemed to be over for us all the king paced galiently to the battle field. Even him only being one man he cut down more than eighteen goblins at once. He felled in battle only when some of three hundred subdued him and yet even with the wound he faced he fought to the end. When he passed into the glourious Next he never fell to the ground. He only stood where he was and let his spirit go. The men out there still fight for that spirit that now resides in all of us.


That's a lot for one man to say in one line. If you're looking for a good example of eloquent dialog, look no further than the recent LOTR movies. See if you can try to emulate that style. It's not easy to strike the balance of prose and poetry that they do (they = Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens), but when it works, it's *beautiful*.

Here's an example of how your line could be rewritten:

ALIXIS: The city is lost, and the blood of my husband has been spilled in vain.
PERMIUS: I was with him the day he fell. There was no blood spilled in vain on that field, my lady. The goblin hordes were upon us at an arrow's speed, and though valiant men they were, our armies were scattered. It was your husband... no, it was our King that held high the standard of our kingdom and rallied the men for one last charge. The last remnants of those very men still fight as we speak, defending the fallen body of our King.



Even that's too wordy, but still, it cut off 3 lines of dialog, and still retained most of the information necessary to tell the story. Remember: show, don't tell.