The Relationships Thread

[Roxie]

Not like I can say "shove it and take it to geek squad" eh? Oh yeah, the only time she talks to me is when she wants something fixed.
You shouldn't. YOU are the one catching feelings. Don't take it out on her cause she didn't return them like you wanted her to. It's not like she owes you chance.

[stsparky]

A quick update. ... Somehow my boss found out that I like computer and technology in general. So now she has me fixing all of her gadgets. Not only that but I was asked to help her find a gift for her newly minted boyfriend. Wonderful. Not like I can say "shove it and take it to geek squad" eh? Oh yeah, the only time she talks to me is when she wants something fixed.

You could practice looking like she's strangled your puppy. But it would be too subtle. I hope you're seeing the negative side of one-sided obsessions now. Just don't drop the hint you'd like to meet her 'nice' twin. :innocent:

I recommend looking elsewhere than work for your dates.

[bluestars87]

A quick update.

Somehow my boss found out that I like computer and technology in general. So now she has me fixing all of her gadgets. Not only that but I was asked to help her find a gift for her newly minted boyfriend. Wonderful. Not like I can say "shove it and take it to geek squad" eh? Oh yeah, the only time she talks to me is when she wants something fixed.
Just find a more attractive girl that will actually notice you. Problem solved.

And don't tell me there aren't any around where you are...because you're lying if you say that.

[Digital Masta]

You shouldn't. YOU are the one catching feelings. Don't take it out on her cause she didn't return them like you wanted her to. It's not like she owes you chance.

No she doesn't but he also doesn't have to give up his time to fix her gadgets every time she wants them fixed. Especially since apparently that's the only time she ever talks to him (other than for work related things I'd have to assume), when she wants something.

[D-pad]

Women>Men

Roxie, you ever thought about developing some sort of trait that wouldn't make your post so damn boring and predictable?

[blank slate]

You shouldn't. YOU are the one catching feelings. Don't take it out on her cause she didn't return them like you wanted her to. It's not like she owes you chance.Yeah, my job ISN'T working in the IT department.

[D-pad]

Just curious, what do you do?

[Swede]

blank, I would just drop whatever sort of romantic connection here that may be coming from animosity towards a boyfriend, and just ask yourself if you would be doing things for your boss in general. It really doesn't sound like anything is going to happen here romantically, if it is reasonably within your job description, or if it's even something that would make you look better with respect to your job and it doesn't take much effort than I would go ahead and do it. Better than just sounding like a dick by turning down what seems like pretty simple requests from your boss.

Also D-Pad, I didn't really pick up any sort of "women>men" vibe from Roxie's post. She's right.

[Roxie]

Especially since apparently that's the only time she ever talks to him (other than for work related things I'd have to assume), when she wants something.
Unlike any other boss? I don't understand why some sort of other type of relationship is expected.Roxie, you ever thought about developing some sort of trait that wouldn't make your post so damn boring and predictable?
You ever thought about working on your reading comprehension? Yeah, my job ISN'T working in the IT department.
If she's asking you to do something that is outside of your job description that you don't feel comfortable/confident with, then that I could understand.

[bluestars87]

Unlike any other boss? I don't understand why some sort of other type of relationship is expected.

What...friendship is out of the question? Didn't the person claim that his boss interacts with everyone else in a casual manner except for him? For me it wouldn't matter too much. If someone doesn't like me even though I'm a good worker and treat everyone nicely then that is truly their problem. And I wouldn't be surprised. There are people out there that decide not to talk to people "just because".

[Digital Masta]

Unlike any other boss? I don't understand why some sort of other type of relationship is expected.



I've had conversations with bosses that were completely unrelated to work that were casual. However I've never had a boss who only spoke to me about work related things and then asks me, "Hey can you fix my ipod?"/ "Hey can you fix my blackberry?"/ "Hey can you fix (insert this)?/ "Hey help me pick out something for my boyfriend." Only addressing me when they want something from me when it's stuff unrelated to work.

[Plekto]

Yeah, definitely in the "friend" zone. She's using you are free "geek friend" labor.

[stsparky]

@Blank - Better if you ask her to drop the boyfriend assistance.

turn the tables on her by asking her about the hardest to wear lingerie (the stuff you'd need help getting on) then. Tell her she'd made you feel comfortable enough to ask her as friend on this stuff. Maybe she'll take the hint.

[Roxie]

What...friendship is out of the question? Didn't the person claim that his boss interacts with everyone else in a casual manner except for him?
:duh:

That's not what I said. What I said is that any other sort of relationship between boss & employee shouldn't be expected--not that it never happens.

[D-pad]

I know Roxie is used to being an oppressed black woman, so maybe it is different, but I sure as hell don't enjoy working for someone I can't at least bullshit with on occasion. Nobody enjoys working with someone who is professional 100% of the time.

[bluestars87]

:duh:

That's not what I said. What I said is that any other sort of relationship between boss & employee shouldn't be expected--not that it never happens.
Okay next time I have another job I will expect not to be on good terms with my boss.

[Saitou Hajime]

Okay next time I have another job I will expect not to be on good terms with my boss.

She said nothing about being on good terms with a boss! I see you still haven't taken my advice about improving your reading comprehension skills.

[Roxie]

Okay next time I have another job I will expect not to be on good terms with my boss.
which is also not what I said.

[Swede]

Yeah, from what I gathered she was basically just saying that you shouldn't go into a job expecting the relationship to be anything but professional. Sure you can get to be friends or sometimes more with people you work with, but you shouldn't go in with that sort of expectation. Bottom line, she's your boss, respond to the situation from the perspective of what you think is reasonable for an employee to do for their boss. This does not mean in the slightest that you can't be on good terms with them, just don't expect the relationship to extend outside of the workplace.

[Roxie]

Yeah, from what I gathered she was basically just saying that you shouldn't go into a job expecting the relationship to be anything but professional. Sure you can get to be friends or sometimes more with people you work with, but you shouldn't go in with that sort of expectation. Bottom line, she's your boss, respond to the situation from the perspective of what you think is reasonable for an employee to do for their boss. This does not mean in the slightest that you can't be on good terms with them, just don't expect the relationship to extend outside of the workplace.
For Swede
http://thehealthblogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/cookie.jpg

[blank slate]

The thing is, she treats everyone else incredibly well. Speaking casually as she's good friends with them, doing things like asking how their weekend went and what they did. She just doesn't do that with me.

I feel as the boss that she's like the "captain" of our team. Someone everyone can rally around. It seems as if all of my coworkers have the ability to go in and speak with her about anything, but I don't feel like that is the case with me. I feel like I'm the outsider, and it kind of sucks.

Like I've said previously, I've tried to just talk to her like I do with my other coworkers and be more friendly, but it doesn't seem to work.

I actually wouldn't mind fixing her stuff if we were on friendlier terms. But I know that I can't really turn her away since she is above me in terms of rank.

[Swede]

How long have you been at the job? Is it possible that she's maybe more chummy with your other coworkers because she's known them for a longer period of time?

Or, did you do anything earlier that may have made your attraction to her obvious? Women are typically much more adept at picking up on body language than men are, so it may be possible that you kind of inadvertently 'gave yourself away' so to speak, and she's purposely trying to be impersonal so as to not mislead you. Just some things to think about.

[Roxie]

so it may be possible that you kind of inadvertently 'gave yourself away' so to speak, and she's purposely trying to be impersonal so as to not mislead you. Just some things to think about.
my thoughts exactly

[bluestars87]

She said nothing about being on good terms with a boss! I see you still haven't taken my advice about improving your reading comprehension skills.Funny out of the forums I've posted you're the only that makes this claim. Perhaps you should take a closer look at your evaluation skills. I guess it's out of the question to believe that being on good terms is synonymous with the word friendship or relationship. But I will use the EXACT WORD OF THE PERSON I'M QUOTING since you want to be so picky. Can't wait for you to come back and pull another statement out of your ass to try and twist my words around so you can use the only one-liner you have in your arsenal.

Roxie said that any other sort of relationship shouldn't be expected. I replied back with the notion that expecting friendship is a reasonable expectation with dealing with a boss. I wasn't trying to emulating Roxie's post into my own rebuttal. I wasn't repeating what she said and using it against her in my response. I was continuing the conversation and asking her if she really believed expecting friendship from a boss is really out of the question. And I never said anything about it not happening...which she put in her post in her response to me as if I said it.

You encompass the aspect of irony Saitou Hajime. Oh and yes I already know you didn't say any of what I just talked about. LOL.

[japanat]

turn the tables on her by asking her about the hardest to wear lingerie (the stuff you'd need help getting on) then. Tell her she'd made you feel comfortable enough to ask her as friend on this stuff. Maybe she'll take the hint.But turning the tables can lead to sexual harassment problems...

If he's uncomfortable helping her with boyfriend ideas, maybe he should just say that he's uncomfortable. Something like: "I worry that if it doesn't turn out as expected, it could affect our work relationship." Say it with a smile, of course.

[bluestars87]

which is also not what I said.
But I never said that "those things never happen" either. See, I can play the game as well.

[japanat]

Funny out of the forums I've posted you're the only that makes this claim. Perhaps you should take a closer look at your evaluation skills. I guess it's out of the question to believe that being on good terms is synonymous with the word friendship. Can't wait for you to come back and pull another statement out of your ass to try and twist my words around so you can use the only one-liner you have in your arsenal.

Roxie said that any other sort of relationship shouldn't be expected. I replied back with the notion that expecting friendship is a reasonable expectation with dealing with a boss. I wasn't trying to emulating Roxie's post into my own rebuttal. I wasn't repeating what she said and using it against her in my response. I was continuing the conversation and asking her if she really believed expecting friendship from a boss is really out of the question.

You encompass the aspect of irony Saitou Hajime.
Expecting friendship is not a reasonable expectation with a boss, sorry. What is reasonable is to expect to be treated fairly and professionally. If you are able to develop your work relationship into friendship, that's wonderful. But it is not an expectation.

There is a reason so many companies discourage social interaction between management and staff. The main ones are that the employee can come to expect to be treated differently to others or to receive special treatment, and that talking about other things can lead to reduced efficiency. While I like having a good relationship with my bosses, and almost always have, I never expect it to happen and am not upset if it doesn't.

Having said that, I actually can understand that the OP might feel uncomfortable if she's friendly to others, but not him. But I also think he needs to observe their interactions more and try to discover the reason why...

[bluestars87]

The thing is, she treats everyone else incredibly well. Speaking casually as she's good friends with them, doing things like asking how their weekend went and what they did. She just doesn't do that with me.

I feel as the boss that she's like the "captain" of our team. Someone everyone can rally around. It seems as if all of my coworkers have the ability to go in and speak with her about anything, but I don't feel like that is the case with me. I feel like I'm the outsider, and it kind of sucks.

Like I've said previously, I've tried to just talk to her like I do with my other coworkers and be more friendly, but it doesn't seem to work.

I actually wouldn't mind fixing her stuff if we were on friendlier terms. But I know that I can't really turn her away since she is above me in terms of rank.
So you have to fix her shit? Does this have to do with work though or is this personal favors?

[bluestars87]

Expecting friendship is not a reasonable expectation with a boss, sorry. What is reasonable is to expect to be treated fairly and professionally. If you are able to develop your work relationship into friendship, that's wonderful. But it is not an expectation.

There is a reason so many companies discourage social interaction between management and staff. The main ones are that the employee can come to expect to be treated differently to others or to receive special treatment, and that talking about other things can lead to reduced efficiency. While I like having a good relationship with my bosses, and almost always have, I never expect it to happen and am not upset if it doesn't.

Having said that, I actually can understand that the OP might feel uncomfortable if she's friendly to others, but not him. But I also think he needs to observe their interactions more and try to discover the reason why...
Well yeah I don't necessarily mean friendship as in hang out or whatever, but friendship as in "friendly", as in feeling comfortable talking to your employer...and being treated professional and fairly like you mentioned.

[Roxie]

Funny out of the forums I've posted you're the only that makes this claim.
He's not the only one thinking it.But I never said that "those things never happen" either. See, I can play the game as well.
No, no you can't. It's not even the same

[bluestars87]

He's not the only one thinking it.
No, no you can't. It's not even the same
I really like the hindsight glasses you're sportin.

[Roxie]

I really like the hindsight glasses you're sportin.
That doesn't even make sense.
You're writing like a crazy person.

[bluestars87]

That doesn't even make sense.
You're writing like a crazy person.
http://jamie-online.com/random-jamz/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/facepalm.jpg

You really don't know what my statement is referencing? And just so you aren't confused, I'm not talking about the photo.

[Saitou Hajime]

So you have to fix her shit? Does this have to do with work though or is this personal favors?

He said in his posts that it was personal, rather than work-related. You would know that if there was a certain... Comprehension of... Hmmm... What's the word... Reading, is it?

And there you go, I used the only line in my repertoire just for you. I didn't want you to give up hope on life, so I decided to let you be right about one thing in this thread.

[bluestars87]

He said in his posts that it was personal, rather than work-related. You would know that if there was a certain... Comprehension of... Hmmm... What's the word... Reading, is it?

And there you go, I used the only line in my repertoire just for you. I didn't want you to give up hope on life, so I decided to let you be right about one thing in this thread.
Ahhh whoops, my bad for not going back and combing through each and every post to find the answer. I guess that equates to bad reading comprehension when you don't even have the information to begin with.

Keep up the ironic behavior. It's amusing.

[Roxie]

Then wouldn't it be your fault for not reading in the first place?

[Saitou Hajime]

Ahhh whoops, my bad for not going back and combing through each and every post to find the answer. I guess that equates to bad reading comprehension when you don't even have the information to begin with.

Keep up the ironic behavior. It's amusing.

Your resentment is delicious.

[bluestars87]

Then wouldn't it be your fault for not reading in the first place?
Lazyness? LOL. I never said I wasn't that. But that has nothing to do with reading comprehension. And yes I know you didn't say that Roxie.

[bluestars87]

Your resentment is delicious.
UGGGGHHHH!!! B-B-BUT I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!! lol...

[Urameshi YuSooKey]

You guys mind staying on topic?

As far as blank_slate's situation, I agree with Roxie and japanat. You should leave well enough alone as she probably already sensed you were interested. She may also be using that to her advantage by way of you doing things for her not related to your work. If you don't want to do it then let her know. Be professional about it, but at the same time be assertive. This could be something she's knowingly holding over your head.

[stsparky]

But turning the tables can lead to sexual harassment problems...

If he's uncomfortable helping her with boyfriend ideas, maybe he should just say that he's uncomfortable. Something like: "I worry that if it doesn't turn out as expected, it could affect our work relationship." Say it with a smile, of course.
point. you've a better idea.

[Mastiker]

whee! had an awesome day with an awesome girl!

[Plekto]

Details are required.


***
Oh, and about the other discussion about boss... The proper response for future reference is to laugh politely and say something along the lines of her not wanting relationship advice from you. Make it sound like you're unlucky or just not good with those sorts of things. for example: "Oh, come on... I'm the last person in the world who you'd want to ask advice about that sort of thing... I mean, my even my relatives think I give lame gifts..."

The "I'd be interested in you but I'm burnt out and don't want anything, despite the vibes you might be picking up" approach also can work. I've used the "Well, if I was ten years younger and didn't have a kid and an ex and a migrane from all of it, I'd certainly go out with you..." excuse(which is true - unfortunately) for a few interested but far too young women. Flatter them but make it clear that you are burnt out on relationships and women in general - at least for the next few years. Or whatever - you get the gist here... Bonus points if you can work in "I just want to hang out and date people. I'm done with trying to have any sort of long-term relationship."

This of course works better if you are in your 30s or 40s. She'll understand that the reason you're giving her vibes is because you're single but not really interested so much as window shopping/browsing. Most women who's biological clock is going off/are out of college/etc immediately put men like that in the permanent "friend" zone. This is exactly where you need to be with any boss, of course.

[Fred]

@ Blank_Slate – I have a suggestion for you, but it could be a risky one. You could talk with her very directly about what you are experiencing and observing and find out what she is experiencing and observing. Make sure you separate your judgments from your observations. If it were a science project, it would be analogous to sharing data to check for accuracy and then going over your conclusions to make sure they were consistent with the data. It takes good communication skills to do this in a manner that is not accusatory.

If you have this conversation in a manner that leads your boss to feel judged and attacked, then you will have definitely put your job at risk.

However, it sounds like you are not happy with the way things are now, so you might as well try something different.

@ Japanat – I am curious to know if you have ever had an employee you disliked on a personal level and, if so, how you handled it.

IRT the discussion around expecting friendship with one’s boss – I think Roxie and Japanat are correct. There is no basis for expecting any kind of personal relationship with either one’s boss or one’s employees.

[blank slate]

How long have you been at the job? Is it possible that she's maybe more chummy with your other coworkers because she's known them for a longer period of time?

Or, did you do anything earlier that may have made your attraction to her obvious? Women are typically much more adept at picking up on body language than men are, so it may be possible that you kind of inadvertently 'gave yourself away' so to speak, and she's purposely trying to be impersonal so as to not mislead you. Just some things to think about.I actually started at about the same time as some of my other co workers and they seem to be very friendly with one another. So I don't think it's a time issue.

Also, I'm pretty sure I didn't give off a vibe of interest, because honestly, as the very beginning I was pretty much scared of making mistakes and more worried about my job.

You know what? I actually really started to like her the more she ignored me and crap. Kind of messed up, huh?

[Digital Masta]

You're a glutton for pain?

I've decided to take an approach that can best be described as "not putting my eggs into one basket". So basically I figure I'll "throw the line" out to the girls I'm actually interested in (in terms of possibly dating) and see what bites.

[bluestars87]

I thought everything was pretty much settled with me and my girlfriend moving into our new place. After searching with barely a month to do it, finding one close to our school in downtown that is affordable, coming up with the money for the deposit, getting on the lease and getting my dad to help us...I thought all was settled. I was wrong.

Now my girlfriend is freaking out because she heard that someone was killed in our apartment complex a year ago. And then one of our other friends from school said either our building or the one next us is haunted or some bullshit like that. But the area is really nice and it's only two blocks from Union Square and close to our classes. And not expensive. But my girlfriend keeps trippin over this ridiculous mantra and it's really getting annoying. Especially after all of the crap we had to go through. Now she said that if she had to choose she wouldn't move in, but since she's with me she will. And now I'm not sure what to tell her that will make her stop worrying over this stuff.

[Vic_Rattlehead]

Tell her to man up! You cant expect cherries and roses in your first home. She'll probably get used to it anyway.

[ミュー]

Gloss it over with something cute, like "I'll protect you from everything" or whatever comes to mind. Give her piece of mind.

I wouldn't attack her for being worried, that will only make you seem both oblivious to the boogie man she's envisioning and uncaring.

[Plekto]

Get a place across town in a better area. This would be best, because she'll carry the negative impression of the place in her mind every day that she lives there. Starting off with bad vibes will just lead to more bad vibes.

Find a nice safe place that she likes - DO take her with you to look! - and start it off correctly.

EDIT - I'll repeat this again. Take her with you. That will make it her choice as well and harder for her to say no, plus it's a good "bonding" experience to go looking for a place to stay together.

[stsparky]

Get a place across town in a better area. This would be best, because she'll carry the negative impression of the place in her mind every day that she lives there. Starting off with bad vibes will just lead to more bad vibes.

Find a nice safe place that she likes - DO take her with you to look! - and start it off correctly.

EDIT - I'll repeat this again. Take her with you. That will make it her choice as well and harder for her to say no, plus it's a good "bonding" experience to go looking for a place to stay together.

Truth. I had a lady murdered in my building by two 3 strikes losers. Years before Richard Ramírez had the neighborhood cowed.

Inform and choose together. Listen to your girl, she may keep you in the land of the living.

[Charrington]

Truth. I had a lady murdered in my building by two 3 strikes losers.

How much did that run you?

[stsparky]

Parse that again.

A lady in my building was murdered by two losers in 1992.

[Charrington]

wordplay

[Roxie]

But my girlfriend keeps trippin over this ridiculous mantra and it's really getting annoying.
Make sure not to hint, indicate, insinuate, or flat out tell her that you think her concerns are a "ridiculous mantra and it's really getting annoying."

[Plekto]

I forgot the huge points you'll get by saying "You're right. I'll work harder so that we can live in a good neighborhood where you can feel safe."

She wants, you provide. She has a problem, you don't do it.

Look, there's a damn good chance that she'll end up marrying you and/or having a family with you if she's this serious and it's best to keep that in mind. Women just don't "move in" with someone they aren't seriously contemplating that sort of thing with. Also, there's a 55% chance of living with someone leading to it being permanent, according to a recent study. To you, it's great and all, to her, it's an enormous leap of faith just to be thinking of it. If she's moving in with you, she's essentially waiting for you to ask her or hoping that some day you will.

So treat her like she's already your wife or at the least, your fiance'. You're going to be living, eating, sleeping, and everything else together. So there's no reason not to take it that seriously. If you can't, well, don't be cruel to her and get her hopes up. Wait or let her go. If you can, do it right.

I don't know how you feel about her, of course. That's up to you to decide.

But do take her along and if that means a longer commute and more money, well, show her she's worth it. And, you're twice as likely to get a place as a young couple "in love". It just works that way.

Oh, and the area you're looking at IS a bad area of town. Don't go out at night and lock your doors at all times sort of area. Shoot, if you want, some of us here who know the areas can offer advice. Or if a commute isn't so bad, I know of a few areas that are awesome and less money. What's your budget?

[qwert]

You need to find a new place, bluestar. If she isn't happy, you won't be happy.

edit: Also, why do you keep relying on others to tell you what to do?

[Saitou Hajime]

You need to find a new place, bluestar. If she isn't happy, you won't be happy.

edit: Also, why do you keep relying on others to tell you what to do?

http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/5783/bluestarz.jpg

[bluestars87]

Get a place across town in a better area. This would be best, because she'll carry the negative impression of the place in her mind every day that she lives there. Starting off with bad vibes will just lead to more bad vibes.

Find a nice safe place that she likes - DO take her with you to look! - and start it off correctly.

EDIT - I'll repeat this again. Take her with you. That will make it her choice as well and harder for her to say no, plus it's a good "bonding" experience to go looking for a place to stay together.
Well I guess we don't really have a choice now. The thing is that it IS in a good area. It's two blocks from Union Square! Doesn't matter in any direction you go from Union Square if it's two blocks, it's going to be safe. And we have been looking together for places. That is how we found this place.

[bluestars87]

http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/5783/bluestarz.jpg
LOL god you're thinking about me way too much if you have to go to that amount of trouble. I just hope you're not losing sleep. Oh and feel free to give me more negative rep if you wish.

[bluestars87]

Make sure not to hint, indicate, insinuate, or flat out tell her that you think her concerns are a "ridiculous mantra and it's really getting annoying."
Did that.

[bluestars87]

You need to find a new place, bluestar. If she isn't happy, you won't be happy.

edit: Also, why do you keep relying on others to tell you what to do?
Well we've had issues like this before. Trust me, if you knew her you would realize that she can be extremely gullible sometimes and worry over nothing. A while later she calms down and all is good again. It just takes time. A week and half ago she was super excited about the place. And now that she's heard that there may have been a murder in our complex she's all freaking out and thinking about ghosts. Apparently she says in her culture it's important to take things like the spiritual dead very seriously. She's very superstitious.

I never said that I wanted others to tell me exactly what to do. Just seeking other opinions. You've got your facts mixed up mister.

[bluestars87]

Oh, and the area you're looking at IS a bad area of town. Don't go out at night and lock your doors at all times sort of area. Shoot, if you want, some of us here who know the areas can offer advice. Or if a commute isn't so bad, I know of a few areas that are awesome and less money. What's your budget?

No it's not. When compared to Treasure Island or the mission district there are a lot less robberies and incidents like murders or whatever. That area of the city never really sleeps. If you know San Francisco then you should know that two blocks from Union Square in any direction is safe. If you go about 5 blocks it gets a little sketchy, especially towards the west or southwest, but that is really about it. I've been around the area for five years. I would know. And my girlfriend's place (where she spent two years in) was two blocks north of our new place on the same street...which she hasn't even spent one night in. If her buddy hadn't told her about the incident she wouldn't be freaking out so much.

We've pretty much decided that we're staying there at least a week before we start to look for a new place if we do. I'm hoping we could stay at least a month so she can get over her fear. I'm going to talk to the manager and ask if anything really did happen in the building and if it was close to our new room or whatever. But really, if this is an issue now, what is to stop my girlfriend from not liking yet another place? I mean what if another place we find has red paint that reminds her of blood and only notices it after we move in? I just think we should stay a while before we make any rash decisions based on some rumors. That's all.

[Roxie]

Did that.Did what exactly?

[bluestars87]

Did what exactly?
I just mentioned to her that I thought she was worrying too much and that we should stay here at least a month to see if everything that she's worrying about is really not that big of a deal. I just want her to calm down.

EDIT: I called the manager of the place when I got home today and asked him questions which had to do with the inquiry of previous murders, ghosts, etc. no matter how silly it may have seemed. The manager is a pretty cool guy and told me that nothing has ever happened at the place and said my girlfriend has nothing to worry about. My girlfriend was right by me when I made the call and could basically hear everything. She felt a lot better afterwards. Seems like everything was just an unfounded rumor afterall.

[Zensouken]

Remember that Japanese stick little trays of salt in corners and behind doors for what we consider superstitious reasons. They also fall down in horror when you shove your chopsticks in your rice for what we also consider superstitious reasons. Of all things since it seems you'll most likely end up with this girl for a loooong period of time, you're gonna have to get very used to agreeing with these little "worries". I get it on a constant basis, if I open a box of Pretz without following the 1,2,3 instructions, a dead spirit is looming over me.

Japanese are very serious about their little quirks, it's extremely difficult for them to see another point of view since they are practically conditioned. It's far easier for us Americans to just "concede".

[blank slate]

You're a glutton for pain?

I've decided to take an approach that can best be described as "not putting my eggs into one basket". So basically I figure I'll "throw the line" out to the girls I'm actually interested in (in terms of possibly dating) and see what bites.Seems like I'm not a glutton for pain, because I'm really starting to feel very neutral about her now. So it seems like I've gotten over it. I'll continue to fix her junk and be as kind as I can in hopes of getting a nice letter of recommendation down the road, though.

[japanat]

@ Japanat – I am curious to know if you have ever had an employee you disliked on a personal level and, if so, how you handled it.

IRT the discussion around expecting friendship with one’s boss – I think Roxie and Japanat are correct. There is no basis for expecting any kind of personal relationship with either one’s boss or one’s employees.Actually, I've had employees I've both liked and disliked.

With ones I've disliked, it was hard to keep my feelings from affecting how I acted at first, but I soon learned how to keep it neutral. I learned to treat all employees, whether I liked them or not, the same as far as job duties were concerned; and made sure to assign jobs and chores on a rota basis to prevent any feelings of favoritism. I would talk to anyone, but sometimes avoided personal functions with those I felt would try to take advantage of any personal relationship. I worked on it until you couldn't tell if I liked you or not, as far as how I acted at work. I even had some people point that out to me, to which I said, "Thank you. That is my goal."

The hardest were actually those I liked. It's much harder to discipline or write up someone that you like or have a friendship with, because it can destroy the relationship. I had to write up one guy I got along with several times, which directly led to his firing. His lawyer approached me to ask me to testify that the firing by my boss was racial, and I had to tell her that I was the direct cause of his firing, and that putting me on the stand would not be favorable to him. He was a great guy, but he didn't do the work.


Well we've had issues like this before. Trust me, if you knew her you would realize that she can be extremely gullible sometimes and worry over nothing. A while later she calms down and all is good again. It just takes time. A week and half ago she was super excited about the place. And now that she's heard that there may have been a murder in our complex she's all freaking out and thinking about ghosts. Apparently she says in her culture it's important to take things like the spiritual dead very seriously. She's very superstitious.Trust me on this one: if she says this is important to her, it is... Just find another place. It's not the area, it's definitely the story about a murder. Many Japanese are very concerned about such issues, and blowing off her feelings in this case will poison your relationship as far as she's concerned.

They found an ashes urn when tearing down my wife's relatives' house before we built ours, and she was freaking out big time until she could get a Shinto priest to open it and he told her it was empty.

[Plekto]

Well, shoot, that would freak me out as well.

[Swede]

Since when is Bluestars girlfriend Japanese?

[stsparky]

Bluestar? She's likely Chinese American.

He needs to do right by listening to his girl's fears.

Maybe they should learn self-defense together.

[bluestars87]

My girlfriend is Chinese. And not Chinese American. She feels better about the place now and pretty much changed her mind after finding out that what she had heard wasn't true at all. She's in love with the place again to put it mildly.

[bluestars87]

Moved into my new place. Everything has worked out great for me and my girlfriend. We're both really excited and love our new home. We're basically paying just the rent since all the utilities are paid (except for internet but that is even free because some local place has a free high speed unsecured network). The people in the building are really awesome as well seeing as they are mostly students and/or young people. We're really happy. Moving was tiresome on Sunday, but my father and his friend helped us out a lot. It was also finally good to get my dad to meet my girlfriend.

[Samurai_Pooh]

so my girlfriend has clinical depression/anxiety problems

not suddenly, out of the blue, shes had them for awhile now, but its quite a bummer seeing her all sad and not being able to do anything about it...

[Fred]

S-P - Sorry to hear that. Love may be grand, but it is not always easy


Japanat - Thanks for the response to my question

[Plekto]

The solution is lots of support and personal one-on-one reassurance. ;)

[Mittens]

Today I learned a valuable lesson.

Tell no prospective significant other about any ex's, how you've felt about them, negative or positive, and certainly don't mention how the previous relationship ended.

[Plekto]

Time to do damage control. If that's possible.

The real reason is well, think about if your girlfriend started talking about your roommate. Yeah, *pleasechangethesubject* time.

[Kyletherealninja]

Soooo... one of my best friends started going out with the girl I was most interested in. Although I'd pretty much given up on going out with her, it still hurts like hell. It doesn't help that he's the other super-tall skinny indie rocker white guy out of my group. And that apparently things were in motion before I met them in September. And that this was a complete and utter shock. I saw on Facebook that her status changed and I wasn't too concerned about it - I had absolutely no idea she would be going out with the friend in question. When he told me Saturday night, I barely knew what to say.

Oh well, what can ya do. Might as well move on.

[Digital Masta]

Should have made a move.

[Dead Sexy Vocab]

If we were any close, I'd have a beer with ya. Sucks to hear, man. And it's what Digital Masta said, it's bull how it seems like it's your own fault that you never made a move; I've experienced the same thing, so you're not alone in this.

As for my situation... lots of socializing and drinking. Came back from a night club feeling elated after grinding with GodIforgothernamealready.

/Thankyoulegaldrinkingage

[Swede]

I know the feeling vocab. At least the grinding with some chick who's name you already forgot part. Not the legal drinking age part. Damn Canadians. 2 more weeks to go :

[Kyletherealninja]

Heh. The week after he started going out with her, said girl introduced me to her friend, who is super cool. She's quite pretty and very intelligent as well - I dig those English literature major girls. We chat quite a bit even though I'm back in the States, so maybe something will happen when I come back to Japan.

[belladonna]

So, since I've been in Japan, I've been spending significant time with my fiance and have been very happy. I cannot wait until after I graduate and come back to work while he is in grad school, I'm very excited about being able to be with him. I'm home-staying with his family while I'm here and they are some of the sweetest people I have ever met :)

[bluestars87]

One year anniversary 45 minutes from now. :)

[Vic_Rattlehead]

Today I learned a valuable lesson.

Tell no prospective significant other about any ex's, how you've felt about them, negative or positive, and certainly don't mention how the previous relationship ended.

DUH!

[Neon Pink Shoehorn]

My Husband went underway the first week of January, and he didn't expect to be back in port until April.

But shit happened, and now his boat is in port, and they're fixing that shit, and I've got permission to go see him...

...and I feel bad, because if shit hadn't happened, then I wouldn't be seeing him. Mrh.

[Roxie]

Sometimes you can't worry about the things you can't control. Just enjoy the time you have. Especially if you're not the cause of why "shit happened"

[Swede]

For the moment I'm keeping my eyes open, but generally speaking I'm a bit introverted and don't really go out of my way to talk to people unless it feels natural to me. Surprise surprise etc. Outside of a party sort of atmosphere it feels a little weird to me, and like everyone else on the planet I have trouble telling when someone is actually interested as a friend or more than that, unless they're being painfully obvious. Just like countless other people, so no big changes in this regard, and no individual that I'm interested in right now, just thought I'd give an update.

The main reason I'm making this post is because of my roommate. His girlfriend of roughly a year and a half just dumped him, and I honestly don't know how he's taking it. It came as a shock to him initially, as her reasons for doing so basically boiled down to being a "crisis of faith", and even though she knew from the get go that he was an atheist and she was a pretty strong Christian, she decided just now that the differences in faith could be problematic if they ever decided to get really serious (i.e. marriage, kids, etc) with their relationship.

Sometimes he seems like he's putting on a front, because most girlfriends he's had in the past that dumped him have pretty much crushed him for way longer than I thought was reasonable. This has been by far his longest term relationship, and even though he talked to me as he was dating her kind of mocking her for how she acted he seems upset by it. (I never talked to her much, but she usually came off as kind of shallow but nice, and her religious/political views were basically the opposite of my roommates)

It's all sort of confusing, because while at one point he seems happy to be freed from it so that he can actually move on with his life and maybe find someone he has more in common with, he also sounds like if she wanted to get back together he would do it in a heartbeat. I can understand being upset over the breakup, but it also seems kind of fucked up to me to be trying to pursue other girls (which he has made clear he's trying to do) while also still having an attachment to his ex and being ready to get back together with her if she said the word.

I try to give what advice I can, but it's a little hard given that I've never been what I would consider to be a serious relationship and I would absolutely say that I've never been in love with anyone. I've liked and fooled around with girls before, but any resulting breakup has left me feeling bad for maybe a day or two tops before I move on. The gist of what I've been trying to get across to my roommate is that he has to stop being dependent on her for his happiness, has to take a stand for himself, and he can't just I guess let her hold all the power in the relationship, but generally speaking I don't think he really takes what I say to heart. He's been one of my best friends since middle school so I don't want to see him get hurt like he has with other girls, but when he's making a point to hold on to everything she's ever left at our place "just in case" I don't really know what to say other than it isn't healthy.

If anyone has advice for either my issues (hard time kicking things off in an everyday setting) or my roommates I'd appreciate it.

[stsparky]

Swede? Is he still in the rebound period?

The only thing that may help is if he meets a 'skeptical' non-religious lady so he knows that his ex is not needed for sex.

[Fred]

I think your roommate just needs to be clear on what he wants.

As for having a hard time kicking things off, if you want to get better at it then you need to practice. In this sense, it is no different than learning any other skill.

[ミュー]

Question time.

Why do guys go after "intelligent" girls?

I've had girls who knew about philosophy and politics and all of that stuff that smart girls like, and they drove me nuts. Arguments and moral quandaries galore, who finds that attractive?

My current girlfriend went to a vocational college and just doesn't give a rats ass about deeper thinking. However, we go great together and I've never been so in love in my life. Am I just shallow or have other people experienced this?

[Digital Masta]

Question time.

Why do guys go after "intelligent" girls?

I've had girls who knew about philosophy and politics and all of that stuff that smart girls like, and they drove me nuts. Arguments and moral quandaries galore, who finds that attractive?

My current girlfriend went to a vocational college and just doesn't give a rats ass about deeper thinking. However, we go great together and I've never been so in love in my life. Am I just shallow or have other people experienced this?


My definition of intelligence doesn't mean she's all about philosophy and politics, but I'd like her to read a newspaper (or internet news articles). It doesn't have to be every single day because I don't read news every single day either. But I check it often enough. She's got to be somewhat aware of what's going on.

Can I talk to her about things that I'm really concerned/thinking about and can she offer constructive responses/criticisms or do I feel like I could be talking to the wall and I'd get the same response? If she can fit the above requirements then she's "intelligent" enough I'd say. And my parents would probably think so too.

I've come across women that I've just said to myself, "Damn, she's an idiot."

My friend who lives next door is TOTALLY about the girl you described. He studied politics, worked in D.C. for a senator and is totally into the whole legal and politics world. He totally gets off on girls who go to the good schools are professors, doctors, lawyers. They don't necessarily have to come from "good stock" but still.

He can't hide his condescension either.

I remember when I got back from the sake festival in Hiroshima and I told him about the woman I met (who I've met two more times since then, one being this past weekend we have some sort of "thing") and I had said something like, "Yeah she's about 33, she still lives at home and she does 事務 work for a company." Now I mentioned other things, mostly pertaining to the activities of that weekend but the minute I mentioned the above he went:

"Sounds like a keeper."

I just kept my mouth shut, because he could've meant it in another way but his history made me think otherwise and I though it was a little fucked up. She's by no means unintelligent. She actually last weekend helped me figure out the best keigo to use in this email I sent to Tokyo Geidai because I'm interested in the Monbukagasho Scholarship and that school is at the top of my list.

[Swede]

Basically what Digital just said. It's less about being "smart" as much as it is about them having their own informed opinions. Drives me crazy when you think someone knows what you're talking about and you just get responses like "Wow, you're really smart!". Thanks, that's sweet, but where the hell do you go from there. Gets stale fast.

[Myrsilus]

Question time.

Why do guys go after "intelligent" girls?

I've had girls who knew about philosophy and politics and all of that stuff that smart girls like, and they drove me nuts. Arguments and moral quandaries galore, who finds that attractive?
There's nothing wrong with two intelligent people dating as long as they both know when to shut up.

[Trump]

Intelligence isn't knowing things, intelligence is being able to figure things out on your own. Intelligence is not having to worry about you doing something stupid (dangerous to health or money) if you are alone. Intelligence is being able to talk about what I do at work and have you be able to follow me. Intelligence is having ideas that aren't just regurgitations of what you see on TV. It isn't politics, law, trivial pursuit facts, or anything like that. Think about it, who would want to date someone who fails anything I've listed above? I can only think of one thing, and it doesn't involve talking.

Digital Master said it well also.

[japanat]

There's nothing wrong with two intelligent people dating as long as they both know when to shut up.
Bingo! I love intelligent women, much prefer their company to the alternative.

But I hate pretentious. I dated a young lady just out of college, and didn't agree with many of her opinions, especially regarding wildlife (I grew up in the Colorado mountains, she was from Chicago - we had different ideas...). The problem wasn't that she had these opinions, it was that she would never even consider the fact that others' opinions also had merit.

It really doesn't matter if your partner is educated or not, but having someone you can actually talk to at relatively similar levels is more satisfying:
"So, what do you think of the "Sea Shepard" incident yesterday?" (whaling confrontation)
"Are there sheep on the sea?"
.........?

[Zero]

Question time.

Why do guys go after "intelligent" girls?

I've had girls who knew about philosophy and politics and all of that stuff that smart girls like, and they drove me nuts. Arguments and moral quandaries galore, who finds that attractive?

My current girlfriend went to a vocational college and just doesn't give a rats ass about deeper thinking. However, we go great together and I've never been so in love in my life. Am I just shallow or have other people experienced this?

Perhaps, subconsciously you need to be superior?

I don't think your shallow. The women you speak of are typically annoying to me because of their inability to stay objective. They are stubborn and overly confident in their opinions.

I love my girlfriend because she is more of a technical person like me. Her thoughts are more rooted in logic and that seems to make her comprehension high.

Comprehension is the biggest thing for me. Explaining something to someone and them not caring, or just staring at you blank is extremely annoying.

[Kyletherealninja]

I like girls who are intelligent because they tend to have more serious interests like reading books, art, decent taste in music, and actually pondering life, etc. Because I have things in common with this type of girl, there's potential for a good relationship beyond physical infatuation. I can find very little basis for a relationship in girls who only care about shopping for designer brands and watching insipid TV shows. The only real way to mitigate this is if she's incredibly sweet or has character strong enough to make up for rather shallow interests. Some dudes like girls who are totally different from them, but I like ones who are similar at least in terms of interests.

Maybe ミュー dislikes the career woman - the "I wanna be a high-powered lawyer/doctor/businessman/etc. and nobody is going to get in my way!" type. I have absolutely no interest in a relationship with this type. Or girls who are bossy and combative, as his experience seems to suggest.

[Knife-Fingered Sue Sanderson]

Perhaps, subconsciously you need to be superior?

I don't think your shallow. The women you speak of are typically annoying to me because of their inability to stay objective. They are stubborn and overly confident in their opinions.

I love my girlfriend because she is more of a technical person like me. Her thoughts are more rooted in logic and that seems to make her comprehension high.

Comprehension is the biggest thing for me. Explaining something to someone and them not caring, or just staring at you blank is extremely annoying.


Why does it have to be one gender? Not just women, but ANYBODY who uses their intelligence to one-up those around them and refuses to listen to other opinions is annoying.

I guess I would consider myself a career-driven, intelligent girl. But I save my serious political and philosophical discussions for my friends and classmates. With my husband, we joke around, talk about the future and our pasts, etc.

If you date people who try to rub your face in how intelligent and well-read they are, then yeah, that sucks. But I couldn't stand being with someone who couldn't hold a decent conversation.

[Plekto]

Sometimes a "keeper" is someone who is free of problems and is relatively tolerable to be around. I've noticed that that's actually quite rare as people seem to collect problems and baggage as they get older until by the time they're in their 30s and 40s, no sane person really wants to deal with them or be around them in anything more than a professional or casual manner.

[Zero]

Why does it have to be one gender? Not just women, but ANYBODY who uses their intelligence to one-up those around them and refuses to listen to other opinions is annoying.

I guess I would consider myself a career-driven, intelligent girl. But I save my serious political and philosophical discussions for my friends and classmates. With my husband, we joke around, talk about the future and our pasts, etc.

If you date people who try to rub your face in how intelligent and well-read they are, then yeah, that sucks. But I couldn't stand being with someone who couldn't hold a decent conversation.

I should of worded that differently. You are right though, it goes for everyone. I didn't mean to sound sexist, sorry.

[Kyletherealninja]

Well wouldn't you know it, the girl I mentioned decided to just start ignoring me. I should have seen it coming, despite not acting clingy, over-attentive, or obsessive, because women tend to do stupid bullshit like this to me for absolutely no reason.

[Digital Masta]

I like girls who are intelligent because they tend to have more serious interests like reading books, art, decent taste in music, and actually pondering life, etc. Because I have things in common with this type of girl, there's potential for a good relationship beyond physical infatuation. I can find very little basis for a relationship in girls who only care about shopping for designer brands and watching insipid TV shows. The only real way to mitigate this is if she's incredibly sweet or has character strong enough to make up for rather shallow interests. Some dudes like girls who are totally different from them, but I like ones who are similar at least in terms of interests.

Maybe ミュー dislikes the career woman - the "I wanna be a high-powered lawyer/doctor/businessman/etc. and nobody is going to get in my way!" type. I have absolutely no interest in a relationship with this type. Or girls who are bossy and combative, as his experience seems to suggest.

You seem to be implying that career women are bossy and cold. Which isn't necessarily the case.

I don't mind the career woman...it makes my dream of being a house husband all the more possible.

The other side of the spectrum is a woman (I say woman because I'm a man who is attracted to women so thus I'm speaking from that point of view) who is sort of floating through life with no real career dreams, who is supported by her parents and she's simply waiting to be married, at which point she'll move out and be supported by her husband.

If I was going to be with someone long term I'd like them to have some sort of career goal.

[SoulPlay]

Well wouldn't you know it, the girl I mentioned decided to just start ignoring me. I should have seen it coming, despite not acting clingy, over-attentive, or obsessive, because women tend to do stupid bullshit like this to me for absolutely no reason.

From your earlier post, I assume this girl is Japanese. Japanese people are like that... ignoring other people and not giving some sort of explanation is A-Ok in their book.

[bluestars87]

Sometimes a "keeper" is someone who is free of problems and is relatively tolerable to be around. I've noticed that that's actually quite rare as people seem to collect problems and baggage as they get older until by the time they're in their 30s and 40s, no sane person really wants to deal with them or be around them in anything more than a professional or casual manner.

Don't forget they should be a "freak in the sheets" too. Just kidding. I guess that's just a bonus.

[japanat]

Well wouldn't you know it, the girl I mentioned decided to just start ignoring me. I should have seen it coming, despite not acting clingy, over-attentive, or obsessive, because women tend to do stupid bullshit like this to me for absolutely no reason.Women? As in, plural? I'm sorry to say this, but: once is unexplainable, twice may be an unlucky coincidence. three or more times is something you should consider...

Are you doing something you're not even aware of, like manners or slightly loud voice; maybe you're trying for ladies with just very different tastes than you, which would always doom it. Do a little thinking about what kind of lady attracts you, and why.

[Kyletherealninja]

In the past I have been much less careful than I am now. I am a rather intense person and I can come across too strongly if I'm not careful, but I have been very, very careful to watch my steps closely in this instance and monitor my behavior with the utmost care.

Although I don't yet have any evidence to back this up, I think it might be another guy, one of my friends. Unfortunately, I am on the wrong side of the planet and he sees her twice a week so the odds are working against my favor. Which is still really stupid since they're a completely nonsensical match for each other and she's probably more compatible with me than just about any other girl I've ever met, but I'm basically just venting and I guess there's not much that can be done. I'll give her a week to at least make herself *available* to talk before I send her a message and ask why she's ignoring me.

[stsparky]

Kyle?

You are in your 20s - calm down.

Just communicate what you feel in a quiet sincere manner. And wait for her response.

Best of luck.

[bluestars87]

In the past I have been much less careful than I am now. I am a rather intense person and I can come across too strongly if I'm not careful, but I have been very, very careful to watch my steps closely in this instance and monitor my behavior with the utmost care.

Although I don't yet have any evidence to back this up, I think it might be another guy, one of my friends. Unfortunately, I am on the wrong side of the planet and he sees her twice a week so the odds are working against my favor. Which is still really stupid since they're a completely nonsensical match for each other and she's probably more compatible with me than just about any other girl I've ever met, but I'm basically just venting and I guess there's not much that can be done. I'll give her a week to at least make herself *available* to talk before I send her a message and ask why she's ignoring me.
Oh you're just talking to her via the internet? Well, that can be frustrating. Never was a fan for starting something online. I know it works for some people though.

[TommyA]

So I am now officially dating a model that I met on an online dating site.

Pancakes anyone?

[stsparky]

I'm happy for you.

She may be high maintenance; so handle the drama as best you can.

[TommyA]

I'm happy for you.

She may be high maintenance; so handle the drama as best you can.

Great thing is, she isn't at all. She is such a laid back, simple, down to earth person. She turns 30 next week, and just wants to be happy. When she was younger, I am sure she enjoyed being pampered, but it got her no where, since she was single when I found her.

http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs437.ash1/24124_336846076926_688151926_4177057_5308323_n.jpg

This is her helping me being drunk at a house party this week.

http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs397.snc3/24124_336846181926_688151926_4177058_1365178_n.jpg
Here is me drunk attacking her face...
Notice her height. We are both barefoot. I am 186cm...

She is half Korean and Japanese, so not your typical Japanese girl.

[stsparky]

Great thing is, she isn't at all.... Here is me drunk attacking her face... Notice her height. We are both barefoot. I am 186cm... She is half Korean and Japanese, so not your typical Japanese girl.

Dude. Make a commitment.

[Plekto]

Yep. The chances of you doing better than her within the next 5 years is um... yeah... don't burn this bridge if you can help it.

[bluestars87]

She's hot. Good job. Hope it works out for you.

[TommyA]

She isn't going anywhere. She is already hooked on me. As I am with her. Trust me, her looks are way up there, but her personality outshines it!

I am very lucky!

[Plekto]

Well then, make sure she doesn't get away. Claim that prize. ;) (yeah that part is just the start of the money you'll spend, but hey, it's only money...)

[stsparky]

She isn't going anywhere. She is already hooked on me. As I am with her. Trust me, her looks are way up there, but her personality outshines it! I am very lucky!

I can't tell you any stronger - MAKE THE COMMITMENT. You seem to be each other's jackpot romantically.

[TommyA]

Well while the girl is in Cali right now, she just finished meeting my mom, grandma and my Japanese friend who has roomed in my old room with my mom since I moved to Japan.

My mom can't stop raving how much she loved hanging out with her.

I haven't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend yet, since she is out and about shopping now, but I know she had a great time today.

Now I want her to hurry back to Japan!

[stsparky]

Well while the girl is in Cali right now, she just finished meeting my mom, grandma ... I want her to hurry back to Japan!
You continually win at life here. Want wedding pictures when it makes sense ...

[Plekto]

When the relatives all love her, trust me - what they're really thinking is "Oh lord, he didn't screw up and found a good person!". Shortly followed by a talk that I know is coming along the lines of "Don't mess this up..."

;)

P.S. Yay! More diversity and confusion! Got to love (future) kids that are too many different backgrounds and ethnicities to really matter any more. Bonus points on the family being open-minded as well. :)

Oh, and speaking of that, when is Az having kids? I know his wife is being patient, but her brain must be on permanent baby mode by now.

[TommyA]

I definitely got the "this girl is a keeper" comments from my mom, but even my mom couldn't help commenting on how gorgeous and tall she is. This is a first... My mom usually just says cute or pretty.

After talking to my girlfriend, I could tell she was on cloud 9. She couldn't stop talking about how much she loved my mom, grandma, and joking in Japanese with my friend Ken, like I told her I do. She said everyone got along like she had been friends with them for years. Funny, my mom said the same thing.

She said after meeting my mom, she really wants to make things work and take care of me for my mom AND her sake. I told her I would do the same. She is now just waiting till tomorrow (for those in America's time) to get back to Japan so we can see each other.

I was telling my friend yesterday, since I am getting older, I was looking for a girl with a good personality and looks weren't too important. I struck gold with this girl because she has all of the above. And so far, no signs of the Korean insanity! Haha!

[archdukezeb]

I was telling my friend yesterday, since I am getting older, I was looking for a girl with a good personality and looks weren't too important. I struck gold with this girl because she has all of the above. And so far, no signs of the Korean insanity! Haha!

Haha better hope your girlfriend never snoops around for your pseudonym on the internet.

[TommyA]

Haha better hope your girlfriend never snoops around for your pseudonym on the internet.

Haha. I poke fun at the Korean rage often and she gets a kick out of it. But I will be careful...

[mawande]

Haha. I poke fun at the Korean rage often and she gets a kick out of it. But I will be careful...

I've lived for years under the assumption that dating sites are a waste of money and time. Now you've got me wondering enough to ask for the dating site you met her on.

[TommyA]

I've lived for years under the assumption that dating sites are a waste of money and time. Now you've got me wondering enough to ask for the dating site you met her on.

JapanCupid.com

I had a lot of chicks just wanting a black boyfriend, but met like 3 normal cool chicks, but our schedules conflicted.

One day, my girl messages me and tells me she is on Facebook. Her profile on the dating site had no picture and basic info. I checked out her Facebook and was wowed by her looks and WTF she was interested in me.

She tells me her laptop broke 3 days after this, and I tell her I can fix it, and we make plans to have me fix it at my place. She comes over early, I get straight to working on the laptop, and we cook and watch Dave Chappelle. Before she is about to go, I think to myself, I want a kiss, this chick is hot, and she has been lying on my shoulder and holding my hand. 2 hours of making out later, she has to go, and we make plans for date #2, for the following weekend. She calls/texts me a LOT everyday up to our date, and we start off with a kiss and the day just goes well. She goes with me to my friend's house for a house party, where the pics I posted are from, the next day. 2 days later she tells me she is scared that we wont work since she doesn't like living in Japan (being half korean is hard she says, plus she spent a lot of time abroad or in ballet growing up, so she doesn't have a strong friend support group.) and she knows I want to live here for a long time.

I tell her, then let's just be friends and ignore any romance at all. This hits her hard, because I was just ready to end it, because I know what I want/don't want.

She comes over the next day, EARLY, way before I have to go to work. We talk a lot, and make things official.

The rest is history!

I am SOOOO glad she comes back to Japan tomorrow, on her birthday, although, due to work, I may not be able to see her till another day. Plus I go to Nagoya for the weekend...

[ミュー]

I hate to be the only dark cloud in this clear blue sky, but the whole "wanting to leave Japan" thing tends to be a big red flag. Every time I've heard a girl say that, she ends up being a total nutcase.

That said, do what makes you happy. Just I would be wary if you're serious about wanting to stay here, and all she talks about is "our wonderful future back in California..."

I call them "escape artist gaisens", girls who see a foreigner as their ticket out of Japan. I hope it this isn't the case, but I've had exes like that and it always became an argument when I talked about staying here to start a career. Watch out for that!

But cautions aside, congratulations! I have the exact opposite issue, getting my girl anywhere overseas for anything more than a vacation would require serious education...

[TommyA]

I hate to be the only dark cloud in this clear blue sky, but the whole "wanting to leave Japan" thing tends to be a big red flag. Every time I've heard a girl say that, she ends up being a total nutcase...


Thing is, she already has her green card. Doesn't need me at all...

i told her, to be serious and upfront, since we are both adults, that if she wants to have a guy to live with in America or somewhere else, she can just leave me behind and go find him. This was all pre sex, pre serious relationship talk. She chose to stick with me.

Since then, it has been all talk about being able to enjoy Japan together, and helping each other get through some of the BS that goes on here.

I told her, no matter how much in love I fell with her, if I ever saw/felt/heard/tasted that she just wants to live in the US, I would drop her quick, because she chose to stay. She understands this.

But like you said, who knows...

[Plekto]

I suspect that the real issue is that she likes the newness and open space and so on of the U.S. more than anything. Living in Yokohama is pretty much urban blight and that's just not very fun. Perhaps moving a few miles out towards the country or edge of the city might help if for nothing else than to de-stress a bit and keep it all from feeling like you are stuck in a rut with your work and so on.

[TommyA]

I suspect that the real issue is that she likes the newness and open space and so on of the U.S. more than anything. Living in Yokohama is pretty much urban blight and that's just not very fun. Perhaps moving a few miles out towards the country or edge of the city might help if for nothing else than to de-stress a bit and keep it all from feeling like you are stuck in a rut with your work and so on.


Well I live in Yokohama in a place that is sooo quiet and "country" compared to her. She lives in Hirou, which is in the middle of Tokyo and has a lot of rich people. Every time she comes to my place, she says she loves it because ti is small and cozy.

She lived in New York, Paris, and London. She says she doesn't want to live outside of Japan now, just that she doesn't want to get old here. Her big issue, which she openly shared with my mom was, she hates Japanese men over 25, because of how they treat women. She turns 31 today, and she models and such, and she is realizing agencies starting to turn her down based on age, before they even see her.

I also don't want to get old here, because I would like to enjoy the benefits that my tax money goes to, but I never will, not being a citizen, and I don't want to be a citizen. I want to be here long enough to make a name for myself, then chose somewhere a little more, Western.

[Digital Masta]

[QUOTE=TommyA]Well I live in Yokohama in a place that is sooo quiet and "country" compared to her. /QUOTE]

What would she call where I live then? (The prefecture, not my specific city) The anus of Japan, perhaps? lol

[TommyA]

What would she call where I live then? (The prefecture, not my specific city) The anus of Japan, perhaps? lol

She claims to be a city girl, and talks smack on country bumpkins like a typical Tokyo girl, just like us people born in SoCal, talk smack about out of towners, but she can't lie. She loves the quiet small time feel of where I live. Yokohama station is 2 stations away, but this place is quiet, not busy at all, but convenient and cheap!

[Plekto]

Then it should be fine. And honestly nobody's going to know or likely care if she's half anything when you are in the picture. Plus, being around you will help her learn to feel stronger about herself I'd wager. You certainly don't come across as the type who would give a second's thought about trying to fit in or worrying that people might think you don't belong. ;)

[jindojim]

Ha..the Korean rage...

[Digital Masta]

I got to experience Korean rage 3 times in the span of a week while I was in Korea.

[bluestars87]

The Korean women that attend my school are really nice. Although I'll admit I hooked my buddy up with a Korean girl about half a year ago and things went sour really quick. She got all weird and really possessive and extremely paranoid. He had to break it off because she really started to scare him. Funny, she seemed great in the beginning. Too good to be true I guess. I think I talked about her in this thread before.

[Kyletherealninja]

Not much going on here lately... although about seven or eight couples I know have gotten engaged or married this year. Geesh.

[Stephy]

I have a waifu :3

[Nights_into_dreams]

I have a waifu :3

A what? o.O

[h2orowe]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost three years now. It'll be three years this December.

[D-pad]

Is it ok that probably half the reason I want to go to college is to meet a lady and falls in loves?

[belladonna]

I am still engaged, and haven't seen my fiance in almost three months... we skype once or twice a week and I miss him. He's going to graduate in March and is going to teach middle school English in Nagoya. I graduate in May and I hope that I can find a job in Japan so that I can be near him. His family is awesome, I lived with them when I studied abroad, and I hope to be there with all of them soon :D

[Swede]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost three years now. It'll be three years this December.

I'M SO EFFING HAPPY FOR YOU.

As for me, over the past however long I haven't really had anything more serious than the kind of minor hookups you'll get at parties.

Right now I'm kind of ambivalent. Sometimes I'll feel like a piece of shit for not really having ever been in a serious relationship at this point in my life. Other times I'm really happy at where I'm at and think that the last thing I need right now is a girlfriend to worry about.

I've talked with some people around here about how I kind of have issues initiating conversations with people in general (not just girl), and as a result most new people I socialize with are just at parties. I'm definitely more introverted, but it's not to the extent that I have problems carrying a conversation with anyone. I think I generally come across as confident and sure of myself to most, though those I don't socialize with or talk to on a regular basis probably would think I'm pretty shy.

It's kind of a catch 22 because, while this may be unfair and not true of everyone, most of the girls I meet at parties don't seem like the type of person I would want to be in a relationship with.

When I'm in class or on campus most of the time I'm never really struck enough to want to start a conversation with someone I don't know/ have never heard speak.

Maybe this is irrational, but personally I feel like its super transparent and borderline disrespectful to just start talking to someone because they're physically attractive. That and I don't think I have the time to try and chat up every pretty girl I run into :P

At the same time, it does seem like going this long without a real girlfriend is kind of hard to explain to people. I get asked a lot of the time by people why/how I don't have a girlfriend, and I really don't have a good answer most of the time.

I don't think that my standards are impossibly high, but there have definitely been times where I could tell a girl was really into me but I wasn't attracted to them so I didn't try and make anything of it. I feel bad about it cause there's definitely been times in the past (mostly chronicled on here) where I've been in the same situation, but if I'm not attracted I'm not attracted.


So I guess overall I really just don't know what to think. I'm not anti-relationship by any means, and I don't have any sort of terrible flaw that I'm aware of, but I've never had anything close to what I would consider a serious relationship with someone.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm asking for advice wise here, I may just be venting. There's times where I feel like I'm lonelier than most people out there, but I'm also better at dealing with it. If nothing else being chronically single has done for me is gotten me to have a pretty good grasp on who I am as a person. At the same time though, I definitely get frustrated about it sometimes, moreso in the past few weeks than normal for whatever reason.

So yeah, any comments are welcome, if you think you have an explanation or advice for my situation I'd be happy to hear it.

Sure has been a while since I've gotten to post a nice long rant in Relationship Thread. Nice to have ya back OP9 :D

[Swede]

Aaand as I wrote that my best friend's girlfriend starts telling me she's not sure if she likes him. I really wish people wouldn't tell me things like this. Definitely makes things uncomfortable O_o

[Digital Masta]

Over the past few months I've:

-Fooled around with a Korean girl only to experience a mild form of Korean-craziness leading to that fizzling out

-I've experienced being blue balled...which had never happened to me ever. Getting a girl back to my place, making out her, hands all over the body, her hands on my stuff only to not have sex


-And I've solidified my Hiroshima contact as an official sex friend.

A couple of months back I looked @ my experiences and decided it was time for a change. So I after MONTHS AND MONTHS of bothering me about it I decided to take my younger brother's recommendation to heart and I read "The Game". Which was actually quite fun to read. And I don't necessarily mean from a pick up point of view. It's actually just very well written. I started cruising around the interwebs reading stuff here and there and I found it quite fascinating.

But it got me thinking about myself and what I want in terms for relationships, and when I looked at the stuff I read and I looked at past experiences I could see what I did right when I was successful and what I did wrong when I failed. For example, I had never been blue balled b4 and will admit that I failed at solving that situation. I wasn't rude or anything but in the end I didn't get laid, whereas now I know how to better handle such a situation.

I realized that college age people tend to annoy me. And when it comes to women I prefer older ones. Ones that are at least my age or older, less bullshit.

Two sayings I live by now are:

"A woman will always forgive you for being man, but she'll never forgive you for being a pussy."

And...

"You're not having any less sex with her by trying." Essentially the only change that can happen is sex, if that doesn't happen then your original situation never changed.

I realized that there is nothing wrong with approaching a woman who I find attractive and want to have sex with. There is nothing wrong with trying to make that happen.

-I have no tolerance for flakes. If I txt you with a question like "I'm going to XXX on Friday. Do you want to come?" and she doesn't get back to me in 2-3 days I delete her out of my phone and move on. Reason being because no answer is an answer. Now if she does mail me back after I deleted her with an answer that says, "okay." or something else that suggest rescheduling for a different day then she's back in. This also extends to girls that are always busy OR girls that always can't make it. I refuse to chase solely for the chase. I'll chase...or rather PURSUE if I know the goal is obtainable. If I get the slightest inkling that she's playing with me I'm done.

The way I see it, if she's interested she'll make that apparent because she'll want to see me.

-I also realized that I don't want any serious relationships and that if asked about it by a girl I'll be perfectly honest about it and since I don't plan on being in a serious relationship she is free to do as she pleases as well.

My realization has lead to me being more confident and decisive. I've stopped thinking so much and I just do it. I just shake off any failures and move on. I mean why let them get to you?

[Kyletherealninja]

You know, I think it's time to bump this thread back up. I'm surprised nobody's posted in it since the forums reactivated but hey, it's my baby after all.

On Friday night I went on my first date in a while. She works with special-needs students at one of my schools. Real sweet girl who's cute and likes great music too (Ling Tosite Sigure, GoGo7188, Midori, Shiina Ringo, etc.) Honestly wasn't expecting to find any eligible girls in this tiny town (generally they move away for college and never come back) but sometimes life is surprising.

[fa11en87]

I've always had a habit of "settling" because of my low self esteem. I'm trying not to do that anymore. But recently, I met this guy and we started hanging out a lot as friends. We ended up getting together but I didn't really find him cute. He has an awesome and attractive personality, but it didn't push his physical attractiveness level to "cute/attractive." I decided to do the right thing by breaking it off. But still, I was attached to him so it hurt to do that. But I figure it's better to do it now than ending up doing it later.

[riona]

I've been going nuts with the guy I'm "with" currently. We've been dating on and off since October, with one particularly painful breakup over Christmas, and recently said I love you, but he still confuses me. I know he has commitment issues (married before, wife left him for the dude she was cheating on him with when he was deployed), but I kinda still feel like what-he's-doing-on-the-weekend. I want to have a talk with him about that relatively soon, but I feel like it's never the right time.
We're both busy with our own lives in the meantime, so I think I'm going to give it till the end of the summer to work itself out, or forget about it. Makes me kinda sad, because I really do love him, but I can't keep waiting for someone who can't make a decision.

[Darrel]

I've always had a habit of "settling" because of my low self esteem. I'm trying not to do that anymore. But recently, I met this guy and we started hanging out a lot as friends. We ended up getting together but I didn't really find him cute. He has an awesome and attractive personality, but it didn't push his physical attractiveness level to "cute/attractive." I decided to do the right thing by breaking it off. But still, I was attached to him so it hurt to do that. But I figure it's better to do it now than ending up doing it later.

Curious, I thought this was more of a guy thing, but it certainly can go both ways. I wonder how important looks really are to the ladies.

[riona]

Curious, I thought this was more of a guy thing, but it certainly can go both ways. I wonder how important looks really are to the ladies.
I've always said looks aren't important unless you don't have them. I'm not looking for the hottest guy in the room, but if I'm not attracted, it's not going to work out.

[riona]

UPDATE! The guy I was with before was cheating on someone else with me since we met. So that explains all the odd behavior and now that's over.

Just met someone else this weekend though; he's a bit older (32; I'm 21), so I'm hoping that means he'll be a bit more mature than others before him. So far, that's holding true. I really like him, and he tells me he really likes me too; I feel like this could work out. I'll keep whoever cares posted! :)

[belladonna]

Oh my goodness, dude sounds like a scrub!! I'm glad you've found someone new!

[japanat]

And honestly nobody's going to know or likely care if she's half anything when you are in the picture.I hate to pop your bubble, but unless you are a KPop star, they will always care. It's just one of those situations.

[Kyletherealninja]

I didn't end up going out with the girl I mentioned before. She's not bad, but it became apparent pretty quickly she wasn't my type.

But now there's a really nice girl in the picture. She's 3.5 years older than me but looks my age. She works at a bakery and seems to be just about everything I've been looking for character-wise as well as cuteness. We'll see what happens.

I've read a lot in past months about "Game," generally used by pickup artists for banging chicks but equally applicable to long-term relationships. A blogger named Athol Kay wrote a book called the "Married Man Sex Life Primer" that is invaluable for just about anyone looking for a long-term relationship, not just marriage. It talks about how women are attracted to a mix of Alpha (assertiveness, dominance, physical strength) and Beta (financially stable, helps at home, compassionate, careful listener) traits and how men typically have problems in relationships when they're lacking one or the other. I thought it was fantastic and I'm interested in seeing how the key concepts will end up playing out in Japan.

[riona]

My boyfriend (the dude I mentioned a few posts ago; Jake) and I just decided to live together a few days ago. My lease is up at the end of May, and I'm going to move into his house for the summer, and then he's going to sell it and we'll get an apartment in the fall. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, so I'm pretty stoked. He's pretty awesome, also. :)

[stsparky]

My boyfriend (the dude I mentioned a few posts ago; Jake) and I just decided to live together a few days ago. My lease is up at the end of May, and I'm going to move into his house for the summer, and then he's going to sell it and we'll get an apartment in the fall. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, so I'm pretty stoked. He's pretty awesome, also. :)
Cool beans!

[MeneerDijk]

My boyfriend (the dude I mentioned a few posts ago; Jake) and I just decided to live together a few days ago. My lease is up at the end of May, and I'm going to move into his house for the summer, and then he's going to sell it and we'll get an apartment in the fall. I've never lived with a boyfriend before, so I'm pretty stoked. He's pretty awesome, also. :)

Awesome! Good luck on this next step for you guys!