I wouldn’t dare jump in the lake. Sure, it was a beautiful day - the sun was shining, and it was hot. Not hot enough to make you want to stay inside, where you’d be safe within air-conditioned walls. No. Just hot enough to lure you out of your cage, and tempt you to enjoy days like this while they last. On a day like this, the lake seemed to be begging you to jump in. Jump in and cool off, and when you got out, the air and water would mix together and make everything perfect. But I didn’t dare touch that lake, or even come close to it.

The lake was perfect, pristine. The gentle breeze, which swayed everything from hair to grass to insects, couldn’t even phase the lake. For me to jump in, I’d be violating it. The lake would lose all of its beauty, and come back to the world of the mere mortal. I couldn’t bring myself to do something so vulgar.

She sat next to me, reading the book. The same book I was reading. The book we were supposed to be reading. We weren’t getting very much done. Instead, we talked - about everything, and nothing all at once. She was very much like the lake. I was just now finding that out.

“Looks perfect for a swim.” She said mindlessly. Probably not even specifically directed to me.

“I suppose.” I said, trying to remain cool. “So, why don’t you?”

She laughed, a small, gentle laugh that was almost drowned out by the breeze. “No, I couldn’t do that. I’d ruin the lake. I’d rather just sit here and watch.”

I couldn’t believe she said that.

I always thought I was unique. I had a certain way of thinking and seeing things that made me different from the masses. No one could understand the things I felt. Not even if I told them. So, why bother? This is what kept me always on the outside. I didn’t like it out there, but there was nothing I could do. I was unique. It must have been the way things were supposed to be - why else would I have these strange thoughts?

But, she knew. She knew, and she understood. I didn’t even have to say much. She felt the same way too. It was amazing. I’d shared more with one person than I ever had before, and the sun was still high up in the sky. Suddenly, I wasn’t so unique anymore. But that was okay. No, better than okay. I wasn’t outside anymore. I was inside now…and it was all that I had imagined it would be. It smothered me in its warmth, and I didn’t ever want to leave.

“So, how much have you read?” She asked, bringing me back down to reality.

“Oh, um…well…half a page? How about you Lisa?”

She smiled, apparently embarrassed. “I think maybe less. Oh man, we’re not getting very much done, are we?”

“I’m sorry, I think it’s my fault.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m really having fun out here.”

Not the kind of shallow fun people have with surface friends. Going to movies, parks, watching television, playing games, stupid stuff like that. No, this was true fun. The kind of fun that really filled our souls, made us feel content. Unlike the movie with the friends, this fun lasts for a lifetime.

“Me too.” I said. Far too simple for what I’m feeling.

She smiled slightly. My God, she knew.

“Say Derek,” she said, “what do you think of the trip so far?”

“Hmm…” I pretended to think about it, “so far it’s been pretty awesome. I’ve always wanted to go abroad, and I’ve always wanted to visit Italy. Never thought I’d actually enjoy summer school so much.”

Lisa laughed. “Me too. And what about the people?”

Normally, this is where things would become difficult. I’d have to figure out just how honest I wanted to be. But with Lisa, somehow, it was different. I felt that I could be honest with her. Besides, I felt as though my words really didn’t matter - she could read me in so many other ways, so why bother changing the words? Might as well be truthful about it.

“Well, everyone’s nice so far. But…”

“But…?”

“But…I don’t know. It’s silly, but I just…part of the reason I came out here today was that I wanted to get away from them. Like I said, I like them fine and all, but…well, I guess it’s the group thing. It’s fun at first, but then…”

“But then, you start questioning your own worth within the group. Do they like so and so better than me? Do I even need to be here? Those are the things you start to think to yourself.”

“Yes! Yes. That’s exactly it.”

“You’re an only child, aren’t you? I am one too. I didn’t really know…I just guessed. I guess it’s all the nights home alone. Not having any brothers or sisters to deal with, stuff like that.”

“I always thought it was just me.”

“Me too. Drove me nuts. I started to think I was anti-social.”

“You, anti-social? Naw. Everyone loves you.”

“No, it’s probably more like ‘I like Lisa, she’s nice.’ isn’t it? It means they don’t hate you, but there’s other far more interesting people they’d rather talk to, given the opportunity. It’s like…”

“It’s like, people like you fine and all, but you never really get close enough to just one…to the point where you felt that you could share everything with them. So in that way, although you might have many friends…”

“You still feel very lonely, and distant.”

“Exactly.”

The more she talked, the more her words penetrated my ears, the more beautiful she became. Not that she needed any help to begin with. But I saw her face transforming before me. Her features became entangled with her thoughts and ideas. I kept expecting there would be some sort of end to it, but it never came. Her words flowed into my ears and down to my chest. Finding a harp I never knew I had, and stringing it as if she’d known all along how to play. The music rolled out of my mouth now, and I felt myself drowning in it.

But I couldn’t drown. No, that was impossible. I couldn’t drown because I couldn’t jump in.

Today was ours, without question. Tomorrow as well. A limited number of days after that. But that was all - limited. Then, she would go back to her world, and me to mine. That outside world I know so well. Her world was different. She had an inside world. The music would continue for her. With a different player.

“Yeah…” Lisa said, “but ever since I hooked up with my boyfriend, it hasn’t been so bad.”

Her boyfriend. Someone who time and space favored over me. I wanted to hate him and be him all at once. I could have at least enjoyed the moment. It would end too quickly, of course, but I would still have that precious time, that small window where for once, I was on the other side of it. But no, he stood there, keeping me out without even knowing it. He didn’t see me; he never would. But I saw him. That’s more than enough. I plunged the knife in my own heart. For him. Because if I were him, and I wish I were, I wouldn’t want me thinking the things I am now. He should have thanked me.

But that wasn’t fair of me. Even if I walked past him through the door, even if she’d let me in, I’d be jumping in the lake. Everything that was so calm, so beautiful about it, would be spoiled by my presence. It wouldn’t be the same lake I watched from afar. She would never do that do herself. Not the same person that I had been talking to. This only made her more beautiful…and kept me further on the shore.

“Yeah, it must be nice.” I said.

She gave me an odd look, before a wash of realization swept across her face. “Oh yeah, you’re still single huh?”

“You make it sound like an illness…as if ‘oh yeah, you still have raging herpes, huh?’”

Instantly, her brow arched upwards, in great concern. “Oh! No, I didn’t mean it like that…oh…”

I smile. “It’s okay - I was just joking. I’m not one of those guys who gets all broken up over not being in a relationship,” I lied. Well, only partially, anyway. We both knew it, but I absolutely had to say it. “Being uncommitted has a lot of advantages. I get a whole lot more free time. Plus, I think it’s way cheaper.”

She laughed. “Probably. But that’s just because you’re a guy.”

“I don’t mind too much. ’Sides, I like my testosterone. Sports and cars, meat and potatoes for dinner, and I never care if an outfit makes me look fat. It’s a simple life, and that’s all I really need.”

“Maybe…” she said, staring out at the lake, “maybe it’s simple on the surface, but guys can be just as complex as girls. The difference is, guys bury their issues under pride and machismo, and suffer quietly until they work things out. But it doesn’t make them any less complex.”

No wonder she wasn’t reading her book. She was reading mine.

She yawned softly. “Wow, it’s getting late. We should probably head back.”

No we shouldn’t.

“Yeah, you’re right. Shall we?” I said as I sprung to my feet. I helped her up, and we made the short walk back to the dormitories where we were staying for the month. I walk her to her door, and we part. I would see her again at the very least tomorrow, more likely in the next few hours. And everyday for the next three weeks. But past that…

---------------------------------------

My God I hate long plane trips.

The seats are too small. Honestly. It’s amazing to me - we can get these monstrous machines up in the air at great speeds, yet those same genius designers failed to take into account that not all travelers will be 5’2 or less. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the old fellow to my left is taking my armrest. Grr.

My only solace lies in my getting a window seat. Thinking of the look on the desk attendant’s face when I asked for it still makes me smile. She made sure to point out that the trip would be mostly over the ocean - absolutely nothing to see. I told her it was okay, but sitting here now, I realize I should have told her that it was a matter of opinion. I always think of the best things to say after I should have said them. Oh well, I have my ocean, that’s all that matters. Smooth, undisturbed, peaceful, and vast all at once. Perhaps only calm on the surface - who knows what treachery lies below the beautiful blue surface? Maybe right now, right this very moment, at the very spot I’m looking at, a shark is gobbling up a school of fish. A little lower, and maybe there’s a sunken battleship from ages past. The hull is still intact, a little rusty perhaps, but none the worse for wear. Still inside are the corpses of her crew. Or maybe they’ve been eaten as well. I guess it ultimately doesn’t matter.

I can still remember the scene very clearly. Only a few hours have passed since then, but in my mind, it’s as clear and fresh as a few minutes ago.

Our summer program having come to an end, it was time for us all to go about our separate ways. Some of the group had bought their return tickets for two weeks after the end of the program, to give them the opportunity to roam around and tour. Lisa was one such person. I on the other hand had to go back immediately. Stuff to do. There’s always stuff to do. My plane would leave in a few hours, so I had to bid farewell to the group. It was hard - over the past month, these people had become friends, family even. We lived together. We knew all about each other - from the weird hang-ups to the disturbing oddities. And now that was going to change. Sure, we promised phone calls, and emails, but we all knew it wouldn’t last. We all had different lives that converged for just that one point. And now it was time to move on. The tears in our eyes proved that we already knew this.

I said my goodbyes to most of the group. Something personalized for everyone. I remained cool - that same cool personality they had gotten to know over the past month. And then, it was her turn. She had told me earlier that she hated long goodbyes. Just say “see you later” and be done with it, she had said. No point it dragging it out, getting all emotional about it. So I wasn’t too surprised when she gave me a half-hug and said coolly “see you later.” Ha. This, of course, wasn’t how I’d envisioned the scene - over and over before I went to sleep at night for the past week - but that’s how it was. I smile and say something unimportant.

But as I waited for my taxicab, I decided to play my role anyway. Sorry Lisa, but I had to say it. I know you know Lisa, but I still had to say it. Words are weak when compared to actions and emotions, but they can still sum things up, make things clear where the other two fail. Besides, I had given great thought to this part. I considered the words carefully, scrutinized the timing, and practiced the delivery. It was perfect - something that conveyed my feelings, yet wasn’t too emotional or sappy. There was going to be an audience for this performance, after all. So I had to do it. I couldn’t let all that preparation go to waste.

I walked over to her very casually, and without looking at her (exactly as I’d planned it) I said “what’s unfortunate is that, out of all the students here who go to my school, the one I really connect with goes to school six hours away.”

I looked up in time to see her expression absolutely melt. Her eyes exploded with tears, as if she’d been holding them in for longer than just that day. As if my perfect sentence had stuck her in the knees, she fell into my arms and grasped me tightly.

I couldn’t have asked for a better response.

We made promises to keep in touch once we get back to the States. Yeah yeah, whatever. All I could think of is how good she felt in my arms. This was how the world was supposed to be. This was what I wanted - not just today, not just for the past month, but also for my whole life. And here it was, in my arms, breathing slowly and staining my shirt with tears.

My shirt is dry now.

The scene is over. Nothing more than a memory. A memory I’ll have forever, but nothing I can touch, nothing I can hold. Nothing that will hold me close at night and ease my fears. Nothing that will laugh at my silly jokes. Nothing that will smile at me in that way that lets me know that everything is all right.

So I’m back on the path. The same path I’ve been on all along. The one that leads to that window I hate. It’s dark and I can’t see. I’m the only one there. I can hear everything all around me, but I can’t get to it. I can only stay on the path. I can’t get off - I don’t know how to start or where I’m going and I’m afraid of what’s out there. All I have is the path, and I’m afraid to lose it. I don’t know anything else.

All my life, I’ve felt incomplete. I didn’t lose whatever I’m missing - I never had it to begin with. It was somewhere unknown. For all I knew, it was bouncing around on the side of the road, as dusty old cars kicked it by. That seemed about right. Little did I know, it was actually six hours away, shining brightly. I’m glad I got to meet it. For that month, and ultimately, holding her in my arms just a few hours ago, I felt complete. For the first time, I was a real person, and I kind of liked it. I knew now why they wouldn’t let me in. You had to be whole to get in. It was only right that they left me outside that window. I would have done it too. Poor bastards, they had no place inside. Go find that missing piece. Scour the cities! Dig through the alleyways! Overturn every rock in the county! Don’t stop until you find it! Then, then you get to go in. That’s how it works. It makes sense, after all.

I had it then, but I would lose it. I would lose it when she let go. I lost that, and a little more. When I gave it back to her, I took off a little piece from myself and left it behind. Left it at the lake, about three weeks ago. I was already going to become scum again, what more could that hurt. The lake will change, but not that piece. That piece is stuck in time. It will always be there. It will be there on that beautiful day, with the sun beating down on it and the wind gently running through its hair. She will be there too. She will be there, and that piece, and the lake will continue to stand in defiance of everything, and all will be perfect. I will be on my trail. It will still dark and cold, and I won’t see as I stumble forward, kicking things as I go. But that’s okay.

The lake is still perfect.

----------------------------------------------

“Hello?”

“Hi, um, can I speak to Derek please?”

“This is he.”

“Oh, hi! It’s Lisa!”

“Lisa! Oh wow, hi! How have you been?”

“Okay…I got back in the states just a few days ago, and I’m just finally getting over jet lag. What about you?”

“Feh, nothing exciting. Worked, and took another summer class.”

“Sounds like you need a vacation.”

“Another one?”

“I don’t know about you, but I’ve been feeling kind of depressed lately…I guess after you have a great experience like that, it’s only natural that when it ends, you go through a downer period.”

“I’ve been feeling the same way.”

“Hey, listen, school starts in three weeks, but I’ll be going up to Northern California to move into my new apartment next week. So, before then…since I only live an hour away from you…I was thinking we could get together this weekend and do something.”

“Really? Wow…yeah, that’d be great. What did you have in mind?”

“Well…I didn’t really think about it all that much. We could see a movie…but the only movies I want to see are chick flicks right now.”

“You can drag me if you like. I’ll live.”

“I don’t want to force you. I figure let’s just meet up, and we’ll figure it out from there…y’know, what we’re in the mood for.

“Sounds reasonable enough.”

“Okay then, it’s set! I’ll drive down to your place…is Saturday good?”

“Saturday’s perfect.”

“Ok…how about 10 in the morning…? Will you be awake?”

“I’ll be awake. I can wake up in the mornings…it’s just that I don’t like it. But 10 is fine…it gives us time, y’know? Increases our options.”

“And the address you gave me in Italy is correct, right?”

“Yes…do you need directions?”

“I’m really bad at taking them over the phone. I’ll punch your address into one of those online map thingies, that’ll work…and if there’s any problems, I’ll just call you.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“So…see you Saturday at 10?”

“Yep, looking forward to it.”

------------------------------------------------

Never before have twelve hours been so short.

At least, that’s what I’m thinking after looking at my watch. 10:17 PM. It was around 10:15 AM when my doorbell rang. So, yeah, that’s a full twelve hours. The funny thing is, we never got around to doing anything specific. We met, talked about potential plans for an hour, went to lunch, went downtown, walked around stopping into various different stores, bought a few things, got hungry again and ate dinner, then went to the park, and sat on a bench and watched the lake (ha!) while talking, which is where we are now. And now it’s 10:17. Wait, no, scratch that…10:18.

“Derek…” Lisa quickly snags my attention again.

“Huh?” I say stupidly.

“Can you believe it’s been twelve hours?”

I can’t help but to laugh at this.

“You know Lisa, I was thinking the exact same thing.”

“I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.”

“Or when you don’t want the day to end.” Another thing I stupidly blurt out. Man, I’m on a roll right now.

“I can’t believe the summer is already over.” Lisa says, not directly to me. “That was way too quick.”

“It probably moved faster because we got to do something we really enjoyed.”

“Hmm, maybe. Hey, what are you going to do next summer? Do you think you’ll go back?”

“I have to take real summer school next summer. Actually, going to Italy this summer kind of put me back a little.”

“Then why did you do it? You could have always waited after graduation.”

“I believe that, sometimes, you have to do what’s best for your heart, even if that’s not the best choice in the long run. I just really wanted to go, and I knew it would be a bit of a set-back…but I don’t care.”

“Oh…do you feel that way about everything? Like, what if going this year would have been a really major setback…changed a lot of stuff for the worse. Would you still have done it?”

“That’s hard to say. Maybe…probably.”

“Oh.”

“Doesn’t sound like you agree with me.”

“It’s hard…I mean, suppose you could choose to have something for one night. For that one night, it would be wonderful - better than anything you could imagine. But then your whole life after that would get messy. Would it be worth it?”

“It really depends on what you’re talking about.” I’m starting to get the feeling that this situation of hers isn’t hypothetical. What is she talking about?

Lisa looks far off into the distance. “If you don’t go for it, you’d be left wondering for the rest of your life what it would have been like. You may have missed out on something truly incredible.”

“That’s the way I usually see it.”

“Derek…you seem to be able to handle change and adversity really well. Better than me, that’s for sure. I wish I could be more like you.”

I laugh, sort of forced. “No way…I wish I could be more like you. You’re just really great, you know.” As soon as I said it, I wish I could have taken it back. I said too much.

Lisa then turns to me, her eyes penetrating mine. She has an odd look about her, and I can see her chest heaving from heavy breathing. And suddenly, I feel it. A push…no, a tug. My own heart has been grabbed, and is being pulled. Pulled by Lisa’s heart, closer to her. Not just in the emotional sense - physically as well. I finally realize what her not-so-hypothetical situation truly is.

Any shock I might have felt is quickly buried under a tidal wave of rushing emotions, barreling into my head. I always wanted this - but I had to deny myself every time because it just wasn’t going to happen. So I thought. I killed those thoughts and emotions before they ever bloomed into something dangerous. And yet, here I am. I couldn’t have asked for more. Looking into her eyes, as she is telling me without words what she wants me to do, I instantly remember the last time I saw her. When I held her in my arms…oh, that incredible sensation! It was a feeling like no other, one I would remember and treasure for as long as I live. And now, I am on the verge of feeling that again, and so much more.

Her heart pulls again, and I hesitate. Something is holding me back. What is it? Oh right, how could I forget so easily? All the things that kept me from creating this scene in my head. I don’t care about myself. We’d be together for a night, and it would be perfect and I’d be happy. But it wouldn’t be enough. No matter how much I’d try to live just off that one night, I’d always want more. It would be an emotional wreck, the scars of which would take some time to heal. But like I said, I don’t care about myself. I know that it would be the same for Lisa. I know that she would feel the same things that I would, and yet we’d both be powerless to do anything about it. I don’t want that for her. All I want for her is smiles and laughter, and that same carefree happiness she’s shown me so far. Tonight would be perfect - tomorrow would be hell.

I look into her eyes again - somehow we’re even closer than before - and I realize there’s yet another party involved in this. A bastard who gets to see this magnificent sight on a regular basis. Who gets to be in this exact same position without the any of the consequences that are tearing me apart. I hate him now more than ever. But I can’t do this to him. If he were sitting here instead of me, I would scream at him not to do it.

Maybe we’ve already gone too far. Emotion and willingness. Maybe we’ve already crossed that fragile line on the shaky cliff, and with both of our weight there it’s going to crack and fall without question. So we might as well just jump and enjoy it while we can, before we hit the bottom and everything goes to hell. We should jump. On the way down, we’d experience something grand. But I can’t. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m too cowardly, too pathetic to do it. At least on the cliff, we can always hope it doesn’t break. We can pretend we didn’t go that far.

Painfully, I turn away from Lisa, towards the lake. I feel her eyes drop from my face to the ground. I can feel her head drop as well. The pulling on my heart stops as well, as I regain my ability to read her thoughts.

It was a rejection. She put her own neck on the guillotine, and I didn’t respond. Maybe she isn’t good enough. Maybe she misjudged our relationship. No, that isn’t it at all! I have to explain to her why I didn’t do it. I have to.

Words are often times meaningless…but used in just the right way, they can get the job done. Much like my perfect sentence the last time I saw her. But I don’t have the time to prepare for this moment. I’m going to have to come up with something brilliant on the spot.

“You know,” I say, breaking a powerful silence, “I never asked you - do you think you’ll go back to Italy?”

“I don’t know.” Her voice is weak, pathetic. “Next summer, I need to work and save up money. Besides, I might want to travel domestically.”

“I’m definitely going back.” All right, game time. I’ve only got one shot at this. Make it count. “My experience was so wonderful, so incredible, that there’s no way I can not go back. But I’ll wait and go when it’s convenient this time. You know, although going this summer was sort of a disadvantage to me, I did it because it was only a disadvantage to me. If it would have been a problem for others - I dunno, like a financial strain on my parents, or if I would be missing out on something important to one of my friends, I would not have gone. Even though I wanted to, more than anything else in the world.”

Okay, it’s far from brilliant. But it’s going to have to do.

Lisa looks up at me again, and I feel the same heart tug from before. She got the message. The tug quickly dies down, killed from the source. I want to grab her and hold her tightly, and just never let go.

But you don’t always get what you want in life.

“Wow, it’s getting pretty late.” Lisa says. “We should probably go soon.”

I nod in agreement, yet neither one of us makes a move to get off the bench. Instead, she softly rests her head on my shoulder. I feel her warmth spreading all throughout my body, comforting me. There is so much I want to tell her, so much I want to say. But words are clumsy and awkward. An inefficient messenger would ruin my message. So I just have to trust that with every beat of my heart, with every pulse in my veins, that she gets the message. Somehow, I think she does.

People come and go in life. Even the really important ones. Even though we promise to keep in touch, and perhaps make that promise with all good-intentions, it doesn’t always pan out. I guess that’s just a part of life. It’s what I thought as I left the group of students I had lived with in Italy. And now, I’m thinking it again. Feeling her soft head on my shoulder, and now her weight against my arm, I know that this is one of the last times I will get to talk to her. And this is the last time I actually get to see her. That’s not the way I want it, of course.

But that’s the way it has to be.