I hate technology. Let me say that again, because I feel that strongly about it – I motherfuckin’ HATE technology.

Don’t get me wrong, it does enhance our lives in a lot of easy and convenient ways. But I feel that relying on it too much is a burden. That’s true for anything, but I feel that people as a whole are sort of living on a technological crutch.

Here’s a small example – digital cameras. What’s bad about digital cameras, you say? Look at camera technology back in the 1800’s (wasn’t this the last time the Cubs won a World Series?), when taking one picture took like 3 days and a power cell the size of Cleveland, and in the end you got this pale-brown picture that kinda resembled the thing you took a picture of.

Now, with awesome camera technology, we can take hundreds of beautiful, clear, crisp pictures that will make anyone who sees them feel like they were actually there. Thing is, if you were there, were you actually taking in your surroundings, or were you too busy trying to take the perfect picture? It seems like any time I go to a touristy-type place, I see people blow in, take a few pictures, and then blow out. What happened to just soaking in the scenery? But, this is just a small example.

Now, I work an office job. What that essentially boils down to is me working in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. I ride the train for an hour two and from work, and when I’m not asleep, I’m watching TV shows or playing on my PSP, or just messing around with my cell phone. I get home from work and either watch TV, or mess around on the internet. Maybe I spend an hour and a half at the gym. Come home, shower, a little more TV or internet, then sleep. …Now, what is wrong with this picture?

-- This isn’t taking place at the Playboy Mansion? Well, certainly, yes, that is a problem.

-- I don’t have cheap hired labor doing any of this for me? Well, would be nice if I had it, but not exactly what I’m going for here…

-- No part of my day includes a threesome with two beautiful busty babes? Well, that’s a problem EVERYDAY, but that’s not what I’m talking about now.

In case you haven’t figured it out, the problem is this – I’ve been awake for 18 hours in this day, and out of those 18 hours, roughly 15 of them have been spent in front of some kind of monitor/display. 83% of my waking life has been spent wasting away in front of a screen. If you added a healthy portion of human brains to my diet you could call be a living zombie. Or, Sylar from Heroes. Except I don’t get to move things with my mind, or get to be young Spock in a new Star Trek movie.

I think I first became aware of my Monitor Zombie lifestyle living with my girlfriend. I’d come home from work, and she’d be watching TV. If there was a TV show I wanted to watch but she didn’t, like 24 for example, she’d move to the computer and browse the internet.

I suppose I wouldn’t have minded so much if, at least, she was doing awesome things on the TV/computer. Like, if she was watching 24 with me. I try to understand why she wouldn’t like such an awesome show, but occasionally I have to remind myself that she’s Japanese. As a Japanese, she doesn’t have to worry about terrorism much, so I guess she just doesn’t understand the point of the show. If 24 had been about catching the morning train on time, or complex sting operations to take down an evil network of train gropers, maybe she’d be into it.

I guess it also doesn’t help that the protagonist is Jack Bauer. Now, I think that Jack Bauer is a Man among men, worthy of a seat at the Table of Legends (other members – Rambo, King Leonidas, Maximus (Gladiator), and Hugh Hefner). But the Japanese don’t like manly men, no. Instead, they like this kind of guy:

He doesn’t look like he could stop dangerous global terrorists. He doesn’t even look like he could stop a rampaging horde of bunny rabbits. But this is what the Japanese consider to be a “cool guy”, so, whatever I guess.

I also would have forgiven my girlfriend for Knight Rider, or Airwolf. I actually found Airwolf DVD’s in a Japanese rental store. I freaked out immediately, and when my girlfriend asked me to explain the show, I said “It’s about this kick-ass helicopter that’s painted like a killer whale, and lots of boring stuff happens for the first 40 minutes, but then someone all that boring stuff leads to an aerial dogfight, and then Airwolf comes SCREAMING in out of the desert, and you always know the fight is going to be over when the belly guns come out and the music starts to wrap up.” And somehow, she didn’t understand why this was awesome. Maybe we should break up.

The problem with the internet is that the sites she views are primarily of the celebrity gossip fare…

Her: Hey, check this out! Looks like Paris Hilton has a new boyfriend.
Me: …Great. Hey, could you fax that to someone who gives a shit?
Her: What? It’s interesting!
Me: No. It would be interesting if Paris Hilton got creamed by a bus full of Spanish conquistadors. Until that day, I don’t give a shit.

I pointed out her monitor zombie-ness to her one day, and she alpha-countered me with “But, you do the same thing!” I thought about it, and she was absolutely right. I hate hypocrisy, so I decided to start cutting back my time in front of a monitor. Then, I could bitch to her guilt-free. And maybe I wouldn’t have to put up with God-awful Japanese TV and hear about what snacks Paris Hilton eats in-between her Thai massages and her hourly baths in pure, untreated gold.

“But Az,” you say, “technology keeps us connected!” A little too connected if you ask me.

Take for example, networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. In theory, it’s a good idea – find old friends, find new friends in your area with similar interests, and all that jazz. In theory, it’s great.

Also, in theory, a movie starring the popular actor Ben Affleck and the talented singer Jennifer Lopez should have been a box office hit, but we all know how THAT turned out.

Again, its abuse of the system. Sometimes, when I’m bored at work, I’ll randomly surf message boards across the net. I occasionally read a few that have to do with dating and romance. I keep seeing things like “I noticed he put “in a relationship” as his facebook status, does that mean he’s taking us seriously now?” or “we had a fight the other day, and I checked my girlfriend’s myspace and I wasn’t in her top friends anymore, but then this guy I know she hangs out with moved into her top 5, what’s up with that?!”

Dear sweet Jesus God.

I was an unwilling victim of this myself. I had a fight with my girlfriend once – we made up a day or so later, and I checked my email to find a notification of a request to add a friend on mixi (which is the Japanese version of MySpace)…

Me: Hey look, I’ve got a friend request from…from…huh. From you, actually.
Her: …Eh heh heh heh…
Me: You mean you dropped me from your friends list?
Her: Yeah. But, I’m adding you back!
Me: I’m not quite sure how to take that.
Her: …Waitaminute, you didn’t notice I dropped you from my friends list?
Me: Well, no.
Her: What?! *she’s getting a little angry here*
Me: Okay, hold the phone. We live together. We see each other every day. We just had sex, like, two hours ago. Please tell me you’re not about to get upset because I didn’t notice you dropped me from your friends list on an internet social networking site…
Her: Well, I guess when you put it that way…

Cell phones are the biggest pain in the ass though. Once upon a time, in the Dark Ages (1990 and before), when a person left the house…they were unavailable. Answering machines came along, and that was nice, but in the event you tried to call someone and they weren’t home, well, you just couldn’t talk to them. The only solution was to try and call back at a convenient time when they might be home. While inconvenient to the caller, it left the callee free to do whatever it is they left the house to do – be it work, going to see friends, catching a bite to eat, organizing a symposium on the growing threat of global warming, spelunking, or turning tricks on the street for Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

But with cell phones, the glory days of doing whatever it is you want to do in peace are long gone. Again, I read on dating message boards stuff like “I text’d him, and he didn’t respond for a whole 20 minutes, so I started to think he was cheating on me, and…” A WHOLE 20 MINUTES. WOW. My buddies and I are enjoying a rousing game of paper triangle football, but here, let me drop EVERYTHING so I can respond to your text! Arrgh!

Again, I have been a victim of this.

Girlfriend: *calls on the phone* Hey, are you busy?
Me: Um. It’s the middle of the day. I’m at work.
Her: Oh, sorry. Do you have a minute?
Me: No. The whole “at work” thing…
Her: But, listen! So I was at my desk today, and the section chief tells me to do one thing, and then the division chief tells me to do another thing, and to do his thing first. So I do, because the division chief is THE boss, but then section chief gets mad at me for not doing his thing!
Me: Um, I’m going to hang-up the phone now…
Her: What? Why won’t you listen to my problem?
Me: Because I’m at work, and I’m about to get yelled at for talking to my girlfriend on the cell phone instead of doing the mountain of work that has to be done today.
Her: You’re so mean!
Me: …God I hate technology.

Why do I even bother to pick up you ask? It’s the Boy Who Cried Wolf syndrome – there have been times when I didn’t want to pick up, but Lord knows that’ll be the one time I when it was an emergency and I didn’t pick up because I figured she was upset because someone took her seat at the lunch table. See, abuse.

The worst part is that you can’t even turn your phone off, because then they assume that if they can’t reach you, you MUST be doing something naughty.

My cell phone actually has a GPS remote locator. I guess, in theory, if you were to lose your phone, you could activate the GPS remote locator with your computer and find out where your phone is. Again, this is an absolutely wonderful idea. In theory.

Her: Where were you last night?
Me: Last night? Oh, uh, I was at the library doing some research of course.
Her: Uh-huh. Your cell phone GPS locator however puts you at the strip club downtown.
Me: What? WTF?! Well, I guess I lost my phone or something, because I wasn’t there…
Her: Your cell phone is right there in your pocket.
Me: Oh yeah, some guy returned it to me like 5 minutes ago.
Her: ……….
Me: Ok, fine, I was at the strip club. But I got dragged by the guys, and I didn’t enjoy it at all!
Her: Oh really? Your phone’s vital stats monitor says you had 14 different erections.
Me: ….What the fuck kind of phone is this?! Goddamnit I hate technology.

I’m starting to find that with each passing day, I grow closer to running away from it all and adopting an Amish lifestyle. Hey, if there are any Amish people reading this, why don’t you drop me an email or add me on Facebook so we can chat about this?