I speak Japanese. ...For the most part. And it would have been cool if this had been a simple process. Like, I could have just sat down in some chair and they just uploaded a computer program into my brain ala The Matrix. "Whoa...I know Japanese." Unfortunately, that was not the case. It took 4 years of university classes, and over 2 years of living here (and finding out that most of what I learned in the textbooks wasn't of much use) to be able to understand precisely how horrifying Japanese TV is because I can understand it now.

We can all sit here and look at the oddities of the Japanese school system and its students and teachers and point and laugh, but the simple, terrifying truth is - the reverse also holds true.

I won't bother listing all the archetypes of people who decide to study Japanese, I think there's already a page out there somewhere that does a brilliant job of that. What type was I? Truthfully, I was somewhere in between "Fanatic Otaku" and "Hapless Deer Caught in the Headlights". I can remember our resident douchebag very vividly though. ...For those of you who've never had the pleasure of studying Japanese, the Resident Douchebag is a guy who thinks he's smarter and better than everyone else in the class. He's always answering questions (despite almost always being wrong) and talking about how his other methods of studying are "so much more superior". He has the cajones to actually *correct* the *Japanese* teacher on things he felt he/she has said about the language/culture that's in error. He usually has a Japanese girlfriend (harvested from the foreign exchange students who don't know any better) and said girlfriend is the basis for 99.9975% of his wealth of knowledge about Japan. We know this because every other sentence out of his mouth is "Well, according to my JAPANESE girlfriend..." Geez, you want a badge made for that, motherfucker? ...Y'know, now that I think about it, the Resident Douchbag in my classes, I can remember seeing his girlfriend, and I don't even think she was Japanese. She was probably just lying to him to keep him happy...

Him: Li Mu Bai, are you sure you're Japanese?
Her: Yes, I Japanese. Stupid white boy....um....chan.
Him: ^_^

Resident Douchebag is almost always a big dorky white guy. ...I'm not trying to be racist here, honestly (you honky crackas....no no, I jest, I jest. ...We're still on for backgammon and lemonade at the country club this weekend, right?), but that's just how it goes. If Resident Douchebag was always a black guy I'd own up to that. If I was Resident Douchebag I'd own up to that. At least I'd like to think I would. I know I wasn't because I didn't have the JAPANESE girlfriend (or any girlfriend for that matter...) and I freely admitted to my own lack of knowledge about Japan - my test scores proved that much at least.

It was always amazing though how far off Douchebag's info about Japan would be. I sensed back then it wasn't quite right, but looking back now I know it was completely wrong. ...Just what was that JAPANESE girlfriend telling him anyway? Japanese-Senate Approved lies to keep the pure and pristine image of the country sparkling or pure? Or was she just lying to him for the hell of it? I know if I was a Japanese girl, I'd lie to my American boyfriend like the dickens. It'd be mad fun...

Him: So Yumiko, how did you go to school everyday?
Me: Um...by Gundam.
Him: Wow, you had a Gundam!
Me: Sure, everyone in Japan does. ...Well, some people have Evangelions, but only the rich upper class. Poor folks get stuck with Mazingers.
Him: That's so cool! Tell me more about Japan!
Me: In Japan, we believe that Pocky increases your sexual stamina by 17%.

So then in class, this would become something like...

Teacher: In Japan, many people utilize the efficient public transportation system...
Him: ...*Ahem*, but sensei, my JAPANESE girlfriend says that most people in Japan have Gundams.
Teacher: ...Goddamn stupid fucking white boy....um....kun.
Him: ^_^

The funny thing about Resident Douchebag is that it doesn't necessarily end with Japanese class. Some of them actually make it to Japan. From that point on, I like to refer to them as Lost Souls. There was one who lived not too far from me. At our first prefectural meeting on JET we were supposed to demonstrate our self-introduction lesson plans to the senior JET's for advice. One of my friends had prepared a quiz, and in lieu of the America-themed questions he would actually use in class, he'd made some Japanese-themed questions for this presentation. Lost Soul, like any good Resident Douchebag, of course tried to answer every question...and got every one wrong. It's amusing for a mere student of Japanese culture, but when you've actually lived here and still don't know jack shit about the country...well, that's just special.

Lost Soul more or less shunned the foreign community, and only associated himself with Japanese people. ...Who probably hated him behind his back, but would just never say it to his face. I used to see him on the trains occasionally, spreading open a Japanese newspaper as if he could actually read it (I know for a fact he couldn't). I'd bet you dimes to dollars he was jumping straight to the porn section. And yes, Japanese newspapers do have porn sections, do you even have to ask?

Lost Souls help to give foreigners a bad name in Japan (well, them and the Total Fuck-Ups...), so if you happen to be in any Japanese classes and know of any individuals who are heading down that road, I'd 'preciate it at least if you could do something to turn the tide. Stage an intervention or something. Friends don't let friends become Resident Douchebags.