I think I hate myself.

I mean, there's no other explanation. Why else would I try to send myself an email virus?

Allow me to explain. I've been getting a lot of viruses lately. A lot. Being a former Comupter Science major and having a few ounces of common sense tells me not to open attachments from people I don't know. Even the ones that say "my hero", flattering as that was. Usually I delete and go on my merry way, usually to a porn site. But this one was so interesting, I felt compelled, obligated even, to share it with you all.

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From: management@outpostnine.com
Subject: E-mail account disabling warning.
Date: Tue, March 2, 2004 6:17 pm
To: azrael@outpostnine.com

Dear user of "Outpostnine.com" mailing system,

Our main mailing server will be temporary unavaible for next two days, to continue receiving mail in these days you have to configure our free auto-forwarding service.

Advanced details can be found in attached file.

For security purposes the attached file is password protected. Password is "08537".

Have a good day,

The Outpostnine.com team

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....Oh really?

I have to give some credit, this was kind of clever, it its own special, retarded way. And who knows, it might have worked? Maybe, if I hadn't realized in .7 seconds that I am the management of outpostnine.com. And I don't remember sending this email to myself. And attaching a virus no less. Wow, I must really hate myself.

Not to mention there isn't even a management@outpostnine.com mailing address. Ooh, busted...

I ought to slam this bastard to the wall for impersonation. But wait, I have a team now? Why didn't anyone tell me about this? They'd better be volunteers too, if I'm paying for a team I don't even know about they'd better be bringing me coffee in the morning and kissing as much ass as possible to get to the top of the cutthroat Outpost Nine corporate world. New FOX reality show coming this fall.

But seriously, what the fuck? Who sits around at home pretending to be ultra-cool website creators and sending out viruses? On the "Ultimate Loser" totem pole, this has got to be somewhere near the very bottom. Right there with the cleaning staff for sex hotels, and Dell Tech Support. I can just see some loser on his $4000 system, and when he's not playing Counterstrike or Warcraft, he's getting his Scooby-Doo panties all wet over the thought of fucking up the hard drives of all those who used to kick his ass in high school. Unfortunately, I have half a brain, so this shit didn't work on me. Sorry, chap.

I mean, what the hell is wrong with people nowadays? My virus buddy aside, people are just genuinely fucked up. Don't believe me? Pay a quick visit to grouphug.us if you've never seen it before. I won't post any of them here, because God knows if I got started I'd never stop. I'm sure there are quite a few that are untrue, but if even one out of ten are real, then dayum there are some fucked up people in the world. Even Jerry Springer would have to shake his head and say "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I've been living outside of America for 7 months now, and I had no idea things had gotten this bad! I tried to send a box of chocolate snack candies to a friend, only to have that halted because of some new security act. I have to give Prior Notice that I'm sending it. Because obviously, I've spiked these Japanese snack candies with all sorts of bio-chemical weapons of mass destruction. So anyway, I go to the CBP website, and try to do the web interface...first they want me to say exactly what it is, who is sending it, and where it's going. That's not so bad. Then I have to say how it's getting there. Okay. Then I have to define exactly what it is...including the name and address of the company who made it. ....Yeah. Then I have to precisely define the carrier, including name, address, background, and the name of the person he/she took to prom. WTF? This. Is. Too. Much! I finally just wrote that I was sending clothes and mailed the box without incident. Because I'm a rebel like that.

And if it's not paranoia, it's utter stupidity. I mean, I felt the waves of the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl thing from across the fuckin' Pacific! "Oh my God?! Justin TimberGreatLakesWisconsin took off her shirt and you could almost see one of her whole breasts! For a whole second!" One would assume this wasn't a big deal, but holy fuck, it was! Men across the country wet themselves over getting to see Janet's wrinkly, 40 year old + saggy tit, and parents flew off the handle because they thought that the Super Bowl was fine, wholesome entertainment for the family, and now we've got geriatric boob ruining shit. Right. I know when some kid 10 years from now takes a machine gun into a football game and opens fire, I'll all be because of that one second flash of Jackson tit that forever scarred him for life and made him crazy.

Hmm. I found a Playboy magazine when I was 8 or so. Does that make me fucked up too? And you are not allowed to answer that, by the way.

And then I read that McDonalds is phasing out Super-Sizing their value meals because supposedly, America is getting too fat. ...Okay. And this is supposed to help that how? If people wanted to eat healthy, they damn well wouldn't go to McDonalds. Super-sized or not. It's just eating less shit. But it's still shit. But you know what, the dedicated super-sizers are just going to order two fries/drinks now, and that's not going to solve the problem, just make it worse! Thanks, McDonalds. And I heard they changed the McNuggets too, which is just wrong. Why? Why would they mess with the nuggets? I'm forced to conclude that McDonalds actually wants us to eat at Jack in the Box, and God help me if there was one in Japan, I'd be all over it. Jack and I would be best friends. Eating Jumbo Jacks. And the milkshake.

If you are truly distressed over the McDonalds news, then please enjoy this picture of Gansta Ronnie D.

This is wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to describe. I get past McRonnyD, and then I have the Asian chick trying to be hardcore, or trying not to fart, or God knows whatever it is she's doing that requires that degree of seriousness.

When I get a better picture of it, I'll put up Japanese Colonel Sanders holding up a chicken leg. I swear to God I can't make this stuff up. Ahem. Anyway...

To be fair, it's not just America. The whole world is fucked up, they just go about it in different ways. I'm convinced now that everyone, everyone has got something that makes them screwy, something that makes you pause and say "What the hell is wrong with you?" Mine? Obviously, I write an internet web site and swear at people a lot.

What's yours?