So I've decided to become an asshole.

I'll save you all the pain of explaining how I got to this point. Mostly because that's an integral part of being an asshole - we don't talk about ourselves. And I like that a lot. Basically, the old maxim holds true - nice guys finish last. And I'm tired of running. I don't know if being an asshole will make me finish first, nor do I care, but I sure as hell won't finish last, and that's the whole point.

So, I highly recommend it. Asshole-dom, that is.

If you're a recovering nice guy, and you want to be an asshole, listen up. I'm going to tell you exactly how. By the time you're finished, you'll have people cursing you behind your backs, and women secretly wanting to sleep with you. It's a little process I like to call "The Asshole Reformation". Goals: to take the spineless, beat up, broken down nice guys of America and turn them into emotionally unavailable, rude, inconsiderate, boorish jerks. Y'know, the kind of guy everyone loves, as opposed to walking over. But men, you have to be serious about this. You can't pretend to be an asshole to avoid getting squashed. No no, it must be genuine. You can't secretly care what other people think of you - you have to truly not give a flying fuck. Yes, the irony here is thick and creamy, I know, but what can I tell you? Life sucks.

Allright then, let's begin. The first and most important step in The Asshole Reformation is to not do anyone any favors. It sounds so simple, and yet it's not. You'll want to go out of your way to do a favor for someone because a) it'll make them happy, you think, and b) they'll like you better. You know what there soldier? That makes you a Grade A, 100% fortified throw rug. While you're happily doing her biology homework, she's out getting porked by some guy at a club who told her to eat shit and die when she asked him for a light.

You don't have to be that extreme. First of all, don't offer. She (you'll notice I'm using the feminine pronoun...because guys don't do this shit. Honestly) will lament over something quite loudly, like not having a ride to the mall or something. You will instantly think "Oh, I have a car/bicycle/scooter/those stupid fucking shoes with the roller skates in them, I can take her". Don't. Really, don't. Don't offer. Smile at her and say "Oh, that's unfortunate." Maybe recommend some courses of action, like ask another friend, or get off your lazy ass and take a bus/cab.

I told you this was The Asshole Reformation. Didn't believe me, didja?

Occasionally, she'll ask you for something. Be strong, and deny. Of course, if the favor she asks you for works out in your benefit, then by all means - like babysitting her 18 yr old sister who just happens to be outrageously slutty (if you can manage this, you go straight to the head of the Asshole Reformation Class). Otherwise, deny. When in doubt, deny. For example, you go to work, and some pretty pussy in jeans bats her eyes at you and asks "Can you cover my shift tomorrow?" The reason why doesn't matter. From concert tickets, to her dead cat's funeral, it just doesn't matter. "Tomorrow?" You say with a frown. "Tomorrow's not good for me, sorry." Just that simple. Even if your only plan for tomorrow was to lounge around and watch National Geographic hoping for some floppy tribal village tits, you deny her. Don't give her a second thought. Enjoy your primative girl porn as some other sucker became this girl's punching bag, or she had to deal with missing her favorite band's concert/picnic with the boyfriend/All My Children/Annual Kentucky Spitting Contest.

And that's only the beginning. Anytime she goes fishing for compliments, ignore her! You know the score. She's hot enough to start bar fights, and she says something stupid like "I don't think I'm very attractive." Of course, she's looking for you to be right there and say something like "What, are you kidding me? You're totally hot. Any guy would want you." Uh-huh. 100% pussy right there, that's what you'd be for saying that. If you truly want to be an asshole, agree with her. Nod your head and say "Well, maybe." Oh, imagine the steam that would shoot from her head! It'd be like Daffy Duck getting pissed off at Bugs Bunny for the old "rabbit/duck season" argument switch. I would pay to see that.

If you're with a group of friends, and she's fighting for your attention, DON'T GIVE IT TO HER! Talk to the guys about the big game last week. Or about who can fart the loudest (I know these conversations go on too, don't even lie). Or about which girl would be the better lay. Appaling, I know, but this is what assholes do. Get with the program.

And most importantly of all, do not open up to her, to him, to anybody. Shut yourself off tighter than Fort Knox. Build a great wall that would make China jealous. Keep everybody at arm's length. And oh, don't think she won't try to get into your head too. She'll take it as some sort of challenge, and she wants to be the one to open you wide up. Be strong. When she gets you alone and asks you what you're feeling, stick your hand in your pocket and respond with "my left nut." Then ask if she'd like to share that experience. Basically, the less you open up to people, the less chance they have to hurt you. Trust me, being open to people is way overrated. You ultimately get trampled and burned. The curse of the nice guy. Assholes don't have this problem. Think about it - sure, you won't have anybody to complain to, but if you follow this path, you won't have anything to complain about. Nobody making you feel that you're second best - nobody snubbing your feelings - nobody inviting you to hang out, then inviting another friend to come along, and then spending time exclusively with that other person, leaving you rotting on the sidelines. I know that's happened to you at some point. People suck.

Ladies, you too can be assholes. Just apply the same techniques. Switch the pronouns if you must. I still don't think men really do the crap that women do, but if you happen to find a few, the fundamentals are the same.

Sounds terrible, doesn't it? You'd expect me to say something uplifting and inspirational. Something along the lines of "You can't let a few bad experiences ruin it for you." Oh, and a hint of "someone trustworthy will come along", with a dash of "you just have to be patient", and sauteed at "you're a great person and you deserve the best" for two hours. Yeah, that's what you'd expect, right? Y'know what I have to say to that?

Fuck off.