Because some things are so wild, so unbelieveable, that words alone just don't do them justice.

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Remember Hard Gay? Remember the Hard Gay merchandise? Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, I present to you Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury....Hard Gay Stitch.

Taken from outside a game center in Osaka. With only 100 yen and a little luck, you too can own an outrageously gay version of your favorite Disney character.

I suppose I should be thankful it's not the Hard Gay-ified version of Beauty and the Beast, but still. This is wrong on levels previously unheard of.

And while we're on the subject of freakish stuffed toys...

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I went to Universal Studios Japan (commonly abbreviated USJ) in Osaka recently. They've just opened up a new Wizard of Oz attraction, so of course there's plenty of promotional goods to go with that. ...But you know, I always thought the purpose of promotional goods was to make people interested in the product, not to scare the living bejeezus out of them.

...I know what my nightmares are going to be about tonight. Following the Yellow Brick road only to have an army of buck-eyed, open-mouthed Dorothys drop a house on me and then feast on my intestines.

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I can't be the only one who finds the placement of this sign hilarious.

The sign on the telephone pole reads, of course, "searching for a lost bird."

...Something tells me they didn't have to go very far to look, though they may not have liked what they found.

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Ah, summer in Japan. It's a magical time when the temperature spikes to 100 degrees and 100 percent humidity, which means that the effects of any shower you take is negated after .54 seconds. When approximately 1.3 trillon different species of insects all emerge and decide to chirp and chow down on human flesh (especially mine). And, perhaps best of all, wacky Engrish t-shirts.

Sometimes though, you see a shirt where the English isn't necessarily wrong, but there's just something about it that just aint right. It's nothing you can explain, it's nothing you can put your finger on, but deep within your heart you just know it's wrong.

...This is one of those shirts.

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What I really love about the Japanese is that not only are they astronomically bad at English...but sometimes they just flat out make up their own new words.

...What the fuck? Silk Roadology? That's not a word! You can't make up words! I don't allow it.

This isn't the only instance either. I've seen other cases where they just tacked -ology onto a word where it shouldn't be.

But you know what, if the Japanese are just going to make up shit, then I want in on it too...

Me: Excuse me Miss. I'm a professor in Big Titology, and I was wondering if you could participate in my research...strictly for scientific purposes, of course.

...Worth a shot, right?

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Speaking of making up new words...

What in the bloody blue blazes is Neo Dandyism? It sounds like something out of a video game...

Guy 1: Hey, have you played Ultimate Fighting Warriors yet?

Guy 2: Yeah, it's awesome! Who do you use?

Guy 1: I'm using Sagat in X-ISM. How about you?

Guy 2: I like Sub-Zero in Neo Dandy-ISM.

Seriously, "neo", "dandy", and "ism" are words (sort of) that don't even belong on the same page, much less in succession.

For those wondering about the picture itself (and honestly...who wouldn't?), it's of a Takarazuka Musical. Takarazuka is an all-womens ensemble, and for male roles they pretend to be men using hair styles, clothes, and makeup. For more information on that - thank your friendly neighborhood Wikipedia.

But yeah...there's things going on in that picture I can't even try to comprehend. Nor do I want to.

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I now present, the Greatest Hat Ever.

The text on the hat reads "I lost my virginity in Madagascar." ...No, really, that's actually what it said.

I think part of what makes this the Greatest Hat Ever was that it was being worn by a young Japanese girl. I could maybe imagine some frat guy sporting it to get a rise outta folks, but a Japanese girl wearing it on the train = wonderful. It took everything I had not to laugh in her face.

What an interesting time we live in. Back when I was a kid, even if they weren't girls desperately claimed to the virginity label as to not be labeled a slut. ...Now you've got girls advertising where they lost it on hats. What a difference a day makes. (Although, I'm 90% sure this girl had absolutely no idea what the English written on her hat meant)

**A few weeks later, I spotted another young girl in a train station, this time wearing a shirt that said "I never came so good before." Sadly, I wasn't able to snap a picture. But of course, my twisted mind starting to work, and thought about combining the two - a young Japanese girl wearing the "I lost my virginity in Madasgar" and the "I never came so good before" t-shirt. But perhaps its a good thing that wasn't the case, as that combination is simply too much awesome for the universe to handle.