For the regular visitors of this site, all three or so of you, if you've been keeping up with the editorials you may remember one in which I got pretty steamed at Gateway Technical Support. I think it was Exiled or something like that. Anyway, I would like to apologize for being so mean to Gateway Technical Support. It turns out that computer technical support, as a whole, has devolved into some kind of pre-civilzation hedonistic torture.

Who knew? But, I suppose it's not that bad. I mean, it's not like we depend on computers or anything. Like everyone owns at least one computer. Or we use it for our primary means of communication, and in some cases, meeting people. It's not like we keep vital, important information on these things, and/or use them to create everything from masters theseses to birthday party invitations. I mean, it's a good thing computers have not become a vital part of our everyday lives, or else the lack of tech support would really be disheartening.

.......oh shit...?

Well, ok. I guess the problem isn't that bad, so long as computers aren't so prone to failure, right? I mean, it's not like something as small as installing Mickey Mouse's Happy Fun Time, or even the phases of the moon won't throw your computer into complete and total chaos, right? I mean....

...okay, okay, I just did that joke. I'll retire it.

What I'm getting at is, given how dependent we've become on computer, and how easily they can fail (I know...I used to be a comp scientist), tech support seems like a pretty important thing. At least, to me. So why is it that you can't get decent tech support to save your life! My parents have my old Gateway now, which as I understand it is having problems properly running AOL. But there's nothing I can do for them now, and pardon me if I don't shed too many tears over a broken AOL, so it's not my problem. My new computer is a notebook I brought from Dell, which leads me to the problem I've been having for two months now.

If I shut it off for any length of time, when I try to cut it back on, it gets stubborn. Usually, I have to close the monitor, open it again, and then turn it on. But lately, I've been having to do that 3-4 times. So I came home from work today, opened up the comp, tried to turn it on...as usual, no dice. I actually had a little time today, and decided to call Dell Tech Support. What a mistake that was.

The first time I called, I spoke with this guy. He didn't seem too bad...except for one glaring, and quite troublesome roadblock - his massive stupidity. I explained the problem to him - that after the computer has been off for long periods of time, its quite hard to turn it on again. So he has me run some troubleshooting that has me turn the computer off and on again. So now, with the computer turned on (I have to stress this just to emphasize the stupidity here), I explain the problem. So he has me turn the computer off...

Note - for those not familiar with my style, anything *within asterisks* denotes an action. Anything (within parenthesis) denotes my thoughts only - I didn't say it, I just thought it.

Dell Techie: Now, try to turn the computer on.
Me: Ok. *turns the computer on*
Dell Techie: Did you have any problems turning it on?
Me: No...but...it was just on. That's not the problem. The problem is when its been off for long periods of time.
Dell Techie: Ok, let me know when it's back to the desktop.
Me: *waits a sec* Ok, it's back.
Dell Techie: Ok, now turn the computer off again.
Me: Ok. *turns it off*
Dell Techie: Ok, now try to turn the computer on again.
Me: Ok. *turns it on*
Me: ......Did it work?
Me: (...............ho-oly shit. You can't be that stupid.) Yes, it turned on.
Dell Techie: *quite pleased with himself* Well, I guess the troubleshooting solved the problem.
Me: (Well, look at that. I've been proven wrong by the depths of your lack of intelligence. How quaint.) *decides to humor him* Yeah, how about that? Thanks! ^_^ (If IQ points were change, you wouldn't have enough to buy a stick of gum.)

Disappointed, but not discouraged, I decided to call back. Bleh. Little did I know the first guy was a winner compared to this next girl. The call started off innocently enough...I was only on hold for a few seconds, before I was connected to her. I gave her the serial number off my comp, and the service number...pretty standard stuff, that's not so bad. But here's where the fun begins...

Dell Techie: Okay, now can I have your name, address, home phone, and date of birth?
Me: Uh...you guys already have that stuff.
Dell Techie: Yes, but can you verify it for security purposes?
Me: (So...just in case I stole the computer and needed help installing Photoshop? WTF...) *gives the info*
Dell Techie: Ok, so what seems to be the problem?
Me: *explains it*
Dell Techie: *After a couple of seconds of silence...* And the computer won't turn on?
Me: That's what I said.
Dell Techie: Try pressing the power button.
Me: (.......WTFOMG. (That's "WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD for those who can't speak Compterese) I know some people are comp illerate, but if you think I'm THAT stupid...) Yeah, I tried that.
Dell Techie: *couple of various power button options*
Me: Tried those too.
Dell Techie: *extended silence*

At this point, she has me check my AC adapter. I told her it was plugged in and working fine. I also told her that the problem happens whether or not I'm on AC or battery.

Dell Techie: And there's a green light?
Me: Yes.
Dell Techie: And its plugged in properly?
Me: Yes. Hence the green light.
Dell Techie: .....You sure there is a green light?

After about five minutes of the same AC power question rephrased 100000 different ways, she finally has me unplug everything from the computer, and then take the battery out.

Dell Techie: Now, kindly hold the power button for 15 seconds to discharge any remaining energy.
Me: Ok.
Dell Techie: Ok, now kindly plug the AC power back in.
Me: Ok.
Dell Techie: Now, kindly try to turn the computer on.
Me: Umm....but the battery still is not in the computer.
Dell Techie: That's okay, leave it out. Kindly try to turn the comp on.
Me: (Kindly thinking this is futile SINCE the comp's power source is sitting on the table, but...) Okay, nothing.
Dell Techie: Is there a green light?
Me: On the AC adapter? Yes. On the computer? No. Shouldn't I put the battery back in?
Dell Techie: No, leave it out.
Me: (WTF) Ok....

She then has me flip the comp over and "kindly" asks me to remove some cover...this requires the use of a screwdriver I do not have.

Dell Techie: There are screws, you will need a screwdriver to remove them.
Me: I don't have one, sorry.
Dell Techie: *extended silence* You don't have a screwdriver?
Me: Nope.
Dell Techie: *more silence* So you can't remove the screws?
Me: (Not unless I've suddenly become telekinetic. WTF about "I don't have" don't you understand?) Probably not.
Dell Techie: *more silence*

I should mention here that this is an international call for me, so her dumbfuck silence is actually costing me quite a bit.

Dell Techie: Okay, would you kindly plug the power back in?
Me: Sure.
Dell Techie: Okay, would you kindly try to turn the computer on again?
Me: *actually tries, despite the sheer stupidity of it all* Ok, no dice.
Dell Techie: *even more silence* Okay, and would you kindly check to make sure the AC power is plugged in properly?
Me: (What is it with you and the AC power? Imma say yes just to make you shit your pants, see what happens then. Probably more dumbfuck silence you damned harpee.) It's all good.

Oh, and she was adding "kindly" to EVERY request she made...shit was pissing me off. I felt like catching a red eye across the pacific and kindly kicking her ass.

Oh, and the battery is still sitting on the table.

Dell Techie: Ok, we're going to try and remove the hard drive, see if there's a problem there. Would you kindly flip the computer over again?
Me: Sure.
Dell Techie: Do you see the hard drive?
Me: Sure.
Dell Techie: Okay, you will need a screwdriver to open the panel...
Me: (.............WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Have we not been THROUGH this?! Did I not just say I didn't have the motherfucking screwdriver?! Did I just magically get one?! Did my motherfucking screwdriver fairy princess just happen to drop by and leave one?! Goddamn WTF is wrong with you? I fucking failed out of computer science and I'm more qualified for this shit than you are.) I don't have a screwdriver.
Dell Techie: *very extended silence* You don't?
Me: *I actually put down the phone, and started screaming obsenities into a pillow at this point* *after savagely decimating my pillow* No.
Dell Techie: *more silence* You need a screwdriver.
Me: ............. (I don't think English has a vocabulary dirty enough to translate what I was thinking here)

So, I agree to go get a screwdriver (ha!) and call back. Just to get her dumb ass off the phone, because I was seriously about to go apeshit.

Dell Techie: Okay, thank you for calling Dell Technical Support, and have a good night!
Me: *hangs up phone* OH MY GOD I HATE YOU IN WAYS I NEVER IMAGINED HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!! ARGHHHHHHOIH:LKANS:DUHG:SKDLJNHG:LUDSH:KLASHFDDUIY)(*&Y!@*#&^%$JHAUY*&TIULKJU!!!!!!!!!11111

.....Yeah.

So, apparently, Dell hires untrained monkeys with ADD to man their phones. The worst part is, during those extended silences, I could actually tell she was reading from a manual on what to do next! Seriously, what the hell? What's wrong, are there not enough computer science drop outs in the world (um, hello!) who need jobs that you can't hire them to man the fucking phones?! Where you at guys? Are you all stuck on your computers endlessly playing Counterstrike and Warcraft and downloading Asian girl porn? The WORLD needs you!

So, if you own a computer of any kind (.....hahahahahahahahahaha! ...."If."), you'd better drop to your knees and pray to whatever God you believe in that that bastard won't malfunction in any way. Find the nearest virgin to sacrifice to help the potency of your prayer. Because if it ever malfunctions, and oh, it will,, you'll be stuck relying on the short bus of the computer science world. And if that doesn't scare you witless, you my friend aren't human.

And kindly remember to check your power buttons before clicking your "back" button.