A lot of people have commented on my lack of romance-themed editorials lately. Its true, certainly you don't see stuff like "The Asshole Reformation" or even "Death of a Nice Guy" from me anymore. The reason why is simple - I'm in a relationship (well, damn near marriage), have a healthy sex life, and am generally not frustrated by this aspect of my life anymore.

Now, its just completely brand new things that frustrate me.

Nah, like I said, I have a healthy sex life now, which means that there's always a good dosage of seratonin running through my brains. I learned from the good Dr. Drew that seratonin is a chemical released in the male brain after sex, which pretty much surpresses our sex drives, and makes us calm, sleepy, and generally pretty easy going. It's like super-weed. Except legal, not to mention that the means of getting it is way, way more fun.

The only time things start to frustrate me is when my seratonin levels start to drop off a bit, which means that I'm not getting nearly as much sex as I'd like...which in turn, frustrates me more. Isn't it beautiful how life works? A guy getting a lot of sex will be mellowed out to the point where he doesn't even care...but a guy not getting enough sex will only be further frustrated by that fact. Nature loves to fuck with us humans like that; I can only assume its some sort of revenge for the years of war, strife, and environmental devastation we've unleashed upon Mother Earth.

My soon-to-be wife's sexual energy comes in waves. Sometimes, her loins are on fire, and in general that's a pretty good time to be alive. However, sometimes she's colder than the Russian winter - this means the sex dries up, and it takes its toll on me. Now, I try to be understanding of a female's body and needs and all that, so I don't make any demands...but if I try to initiate sex and get shot down, I'm noticeably a bit disappointed. My future wife doesn't really understand this. "Can't we just cuddle and do other stuff? Is sex really that important to you?"

Goddamnit woman, yes. Yes it is.

Before an army of angry ravaging feminists hunt me down and string me from the Sears Tower by my testicles, allow me to explain. Now, I hesistate to say "us guys", because not all guys are the same of course. However, I am going to say it based on me and all the guys I know. Your results may vary.

For us guys, sometimes sex means validation. Why? Because all that friendship stuff, the deep and personal conversations that run into the wee hours of the morning, the date-like activities, even stuff like cuddling - we know you'll do that with just about any guy willing to play the part. You don't have to be romantically interested in him - in fact, the very notion of kissing the guy may send you screaming to the bathroom to go vomit, but as long as he lends a caring, sensistive ear, you'll talk it off. Women across the world may want to deny this, but honestly, I could walk outside right now, and by the end of the day, find at least 10 women who would be willing to talk to me about "deep personal issues" over dinner. I doubt I could do the same for women wanting to have sex with me.

Women choose their sexual partners very carefully. We guys know this. Sure, there are some slip-ups here and there, but a woman's sexual attraction is very peculiar - if there isn't something about the guy, be it physically or mentally, that gets her engines revved up, its not gonna happen. Women just don't use men for sex in the same way that they do for all the emotional stuff, and even if they do most of the time he's still got to pass her screening process. So, for a guy to have sex with a woman, sure physically it feels good (hopefully), but also there's that mental aspect of having been recognized as a viable sexual partner. This is part of why utilizing prostitutes, or having sex with "sluts" is looked down upon - its too easy.

And this is why part of why getting shut down for sex is so lousy. There is that part of the male psyche that sees it as a fundamental rejection, especially if it occurs frequently. For me, having championed the Friend Zone for awhile, I know the feeling well - I had a lot of "close" female friends, women who told me I was a great guy and all that, but I wasn't having sex with any of them, so I still felt like there was something wrong with me. Especially when these same women ended up hooking up with guys who were obviously not that great. If I'm such a great guy and you wish you had a guy like me, why are you having sex with this guy you can't stop complaining about?

In the context of a relationship, you might assume that the "acceptance" part is just a given. I'm dating you, right? Why do you need to feel validated? But ladies, I'm sure you can understand that feeling. There must be hundreds if not thousands of women in therapy as we speak, complaining that their husbands/boyfriends don't appreciate them. He never says "I love you." He's not very affectionate. He never says "thank you" or acknowledges her hard work. It makes you wonder if he really does love you.

...WELL LADIES, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW WE FEEL!

I know its a bit illogical and perhaps even difficult to fully understand...but women are usually like this most of the time, so all I can really say is "welcome to our world." The other thing that makes sex dry spells difficult for men is that we have a pretty constant sex drive, which only gets more intense the less that drive is getting satisfied.

Its especially difficult in a relationship because there are no alternative fixes. Masturbation has never been a suitable replacement for sex (if it was, would people ever have sex? Seriously?), and attempting to solve the problem with someone else makes us the worst kind of human being alive apparently. Not to mention that if the guy loves the girl, he only really wants to have sex with that girl. Boning some other girl may take care of the immdiate physical need, but it won't satisfy the emotional one he's looking for from his loved one.

So then, what am I saying? That all women should just have sex with their boyfriends whenever he wants it to keep him happy? No, not at all. I do realize that women's bodies change, and there will be periods when you're just not up for it. That's understandable. What I am saying is, don't be so quick to turn your guy down. Listening to a lot of men and women talk about their sex lives, or lack thereof, over the years, it seems that many women often don't particularly feel in the mood, and then will choose to not have sex for various reasons. Its messy, she doesn't want to wake the neighbors, she just changed the bedsheets, its Tuesday, there's a full moon, she just saw the series finale of The Wonder Years and is saddened that Kevin and Winnie never ended up together, whatever. Many times, these women will end up ultimately enjoying it if sex does happen, but in the beginning all they can think about is "too much work" and then default to no. Ladies, if there's a time where you can have sex but aren't particularly in the mood...if you can, just do it. Do it for your guy.* And if you do shoot your guy down, do understand his disappointment reaction and not hit him with the "is that all we are? Just sex?" argument.

Guys, if you do happen to catch your lady in one of these moods, and she does consent, do realize that she's not in the mood. So commit yourself to more foreplay/romantic stuff to help get her in the mood, and don't expect her to swing off any overhead light fixtures or anything like that.

*And hey, do it for yourself too. Worried that you guy might be cheating on you? If you are oversexing his brains out, this is not an issue. Remember what I said earlier about the seratonin. When I'm in a period of good, constant sex, a woman could be rubbing a nice, natural pair of D-cup titties in my face, and I just wouldn't give a shit. Seriously, its like night and day.

Seratonin-Free Az: Goddayum lookit these titties! On my face! Muststayfaithfulmuststayfaithful...butomgomgomgtitties!
Seratonin-Loaded Az: ...Despite my limited capital at the moment, were I to invest in a 401K now, it could potentially pay off in the future. On the other hand, a new HDTV would also be swell...

Ladies, oversexing your man is your best weapon in keeping him from going astray. Truth. *thumbs up*

And before the mails start coming in, yes, I have heard of the opposite - where the girl wants sex far, far more than the guy does. All I can say is, to me, this continues to exist only in some sort of fucked-up Bizarro World. I'd love to go to Bizarro World one day - not just for the everyday sex, but for all the other interesting perks too, such as cable guys who give you an exact time when they're going to show up, email boxes that never get any spam whatsoever, and to see San Francisco teams doing well in baseball/football. If any of you happen to have a ticket or perhaps a magical doorway to get to this Bizarro World...hook me up, won't you?