I don't even remember how it happened anymore. Isn't that always how it goes? One minute everything's roses, and then the next thing you know, you've been ripped from your oasis, condemned to rot away like vegetables you forgot were in the crisper. As I sit here, and think about everything that has happened, it's like looking at a mirror, and seeing a totally different reflection. I don't like it. Well, every story has a beginning, and I suppose I should start there. Try to figure out how I got here, and why. Maybe some of this will start to make sense. Maybe. So this is it then - the sordid tale of my exile....from cyberspace.

Monday

For a day that would forever change my life, it started out ordinary enough. I went to work, played around on the computers there a bit. Ah, if only I knew. My dark future, what lied ahead for me. After work, I went by one of the computer labs on campus. (The irony is thick and creamy, isn't it?) I needed to have a picture scanned, and I don't have a scanner at home. So, late Monday afternoon, I return home, turn on my computer, and after the obligatory mail check (no emails today...you fuckers), open up Photoshop to work on my scanned picture.

And then it happens.

My monitor blows out. At first I didn't know what had happened, but I could hear the computer working fine - I just couldn't see anything. Two years of being a former computer science major, and a little bit of common sense, told me that the problem did in fact lie with the monitor. So I call up the good folks over at Gateway, describe my problem, and my computer being under warranty, they agree to send me a new monitor. In 5-7 business days. ...5-7 business days!? Good God! That's a small eternity! So, you go a few days without a computer, you think. No big deal, right? Ah, my friend, you truly don't understand. You are dealing with a person who checked his email every hour. Who was always downloading something, or listening to Winamp. Working on images in Photoshop, or creating new HTML pages. Or randomly browsing message boards. I live in Davis, California. Do you know where that is? Of course you don't! There's nothing here! I need my computer in the same way you all need oxygen. It's just not debateable. And now...now...it's all being ripped away from my tender embrace, rudely and without warning. For a whole week. Ack.

And so begins my exile...from cyberspace.

I don't like this. I don't like it at all. It's different. It's cold and dark here, and I don't like it at all.

So I turn on a few lights and turn off the air-conditioning.

Without email or the internet to get me through the day, I have to find new ways to amuse myself (get your mind out of the gutter). I turn to something I have neglected in a very long time....my Playstation. Not PS2 mind you, but PS One. Yes, I am that old school. PS One kills a few hours, then I turn to one of my guilty pleasures...watching Japanese dramas on VCD. That takes me up to 11PM, and thoroughly having no further reason to live, I decide to go to bed. At 11. PM. For any college student, this is abnormal and just...wrong...but for me especially. In case you didn't know, I am the King of Late Nights. My crown is undisputed, my rule is fair and just. My bedtime is 3AM...when I have to get up early. ^_^ I've seen more sunrises than probably all of you combined....and then I go to bed. Yes, this is who I was. Now, I'm going to bed at 11PM, like some adolescent or some crusty old man. I'm ashamed of myself, and have disgraced my legacy.

And now I bid you all goodnight.

Tuesday

My exile...from cyberspace is briefly paused as I can check my email at work. Still nothing. Fuckers. Nothing personal.

Anyway, this day is a whole lot like Monday...only on Tuesday. I return home, home to this void which consumes my very soul, plunges it into the deepest pits of hell and kicks its rotting corpse. This exile sucks. I turn to my Playstation again, my Japanese dramas, and even watch a little TV. I watch that Smallville show on the WB that a lot of people seem to like. I don't watch a whole lot of TV (or at least I didn't before my exile...from cyberspace). I did watch things here and there, and I really got into 24 on FOX....which came on at the same time as Smallville. Now, in the summer, 24 has completed and I can catch the Smallville reruns on the WB. It's not a bad show...but there are a few things that really bug me, especially as a writer myself.

For the sake of brevity, we'll ignore all the rules of the Superman/DC world that this show breaks on a consistant basis. Such as the fact that Clark Kent and Lex Luthor had never met before Metropolis, let alone be "best" friends. And why the hell would billionaire Lex Luthor be hanging around in Smallville? Why does the whole damn world seem to revolve around this little town? And no one had even heard of kryptonite/"meteor rocks" until well after Kent had become Superman. And if this town was infused with "meteor rocks" that were causing freakish abnormalities, wouldn't the government/NASA/science institutes from all over the world be on top of this?

But anyway, ignoring the rules, every week some random person in the town accidentally eats/ingests/gets exposed to/has sex with "meteor rocks", and it causes all sorts of weird (and sometimes comical) super-powers, like the guys who could exercize mind control through a handshake, or the girl who had to suck fat to stay alive (I swear I'm not making this up), or the guy who had to absorb heat to stay warm. I suppose I wouldn't really have a problem with this if it was a random occurence...something that happened rarely every now and then. But this is like every week! It's gone from a plot device to a plot crutch. And like I said, wouldn't the government be all over this? What are our tax dollars paying for anyway? What's going on up there in the Pentagon?

Pvt: General, sir, we have another case of a Smallville resident getting exposed to meteor rocks and gaining abnormal super powers.
Gen: Hmm. Well, I would check it out...but I don't think I'd be back in time to catch American Idol. Someone else is getting voted off tonight, and I certainly don't want to miss that.

So Average Joe becomes Super Freak, and it's up to Clark to use his under-developed super powers to secretly save the day. This by itself isn't so bad...but every time he does so, he always has to sacrifice some promise he made to Lana Lang, who is he secretly in love with. Lana gets mad/disappointed that Clark wasn't there, but then forgives him because he's "such a nice guy".

Clarkie-poo needs to read "Death of a Nice Guy" and "Mating Rituals II".

Lana even comes with the standard jerk boyfriend (Whitney), a Backstreet Boys reject who should be beaten with a baseball bat in the name of population control. And how dense is this girl anyway? Clark's out saving the town, and she's got her panties in a bunch because he missed her birthday party. The absolute worst part though is that while Clark is madly in love with Lana, his friend Chloe is in love with him...and the damn dumb ass doesn't even see it! Not only is Chloe infinitely more interesting...she's cuter too! And available! And interested! You can't ask for more. This is why Batman has always been the better hero, he's smarter. He'd use his deductive powers to figure out that Chloe has the hots for him, take her back to the batcave, and bat-hit it, bat-hit it twice, bat-hit it all night long.

At this point, all the Kristin Kreuk fanboys are probably ready for my blood. Did you know that this girl has legion of guys literally hanging off her nut-sack? (ok, maybe not so literally) Ok, she is cute, I won't deny that. But Allison Mack is by far the better looking one. Deal with it.

*Looks up at what was just written* Man, I really need my computer.

Wednesday

I am beginning to adujst to my exile...from cyberspace. This "real world" is strange, and new to me....but now that I have been immersed in it for two days, I see that it is not as frightening as I believed it to me. I miss my life, my friends of course, but sometimes you just have to forge ahead.

I befriended a native boy today. His name is Yesterday, and he is very friendly. We have some language problems (he does not understand my lol's, ttyl's, and afk's, and I don't get his "hella"'s and things like "see you later" and "what's up dog?") but we are getting along fine. With his guidance, he is showing me around this real world, and how things work. For example, I live in a place called California, and did you know, we are not allowed to drink water from a tap? No, we are required to buy it in bottles. Yes, $1+ a bottle for a substance which covers 3/4ths of this planet. Remarkable. Also, I believe I'm supposed to sign a contract in blood with some place called "Starbucks", but I'll have to ask Yesterday about that.

Thursday

Today was a magnificent blow to my sanity. Just as I was getting used to this too. Feh.

I get home from work today, half hoping my new monitor had arrived, to end my exile...from cyberspace. Instead, I get a message on my machine from Gateway, telling me that they got the monitor back from UPS, who could not find my address. What the hell? How can you not find an address in Davis, California? It takes real effort to get lost here. Especially my apartment. Just look between the university, and the cow fields, and there I am. So it's unbelieveable to me how the brain trust at UPS could actually not find my apartment.

Don't they know what's at stake here? Seriously.

Anyway, I don't get around to calling Gateway back until about 9:30 (I don't know why...I can't imagine what could have been more important). And, just my luck, when I finally connect with a tech, the fucker doesn't even speak English! Ok, of course he speaks English, but his accent was so damn thick, I didn't know what the hell he was saying! I kid you not, this is seriously how the conversation went -

Gateway Tech: (some garbled shit I can't understand)
Me: ....What?
GT: *getting frustrated* (some garbled shit I still can't understand)
Me: ...What?
GT: (some garbled shit, in a frustrated and impatient tone, I still, cannot understand)
Me: ...What?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about equal-opportunity employment. But there are jobs where certain traits are crucial to the trade. Like a phone tech. Maybe it's just me and my crazy ideals, but I sort of think that if someone is going to have a job responding over the phone, they should be able to speak mother fuckin' English! At least be understandable! Geez man. It's like hiring a blind man to be a baseball umpire. Or having a pacifist become a military strategist. Or asking Britney Spears to actually sing something. It just doesn't make sense.

So, anyway, this goes on for a good half hour (I comtemplated hanging up on several occasions), and I'd love to tell you what happened, but that's the problem - I still don't know myself! So, I call back, and actually get someone who can speak English, only to tell me that I people I needed to talk to are closed - closed at 10.

Words alone cannot express my contained rage at this point.

So, with my exile sadly continuing, I have no choice but to go to bed early. Again.

I hate you all.

Friday

I get up bright and early to place my new order for my replacement monitor. By now, it would be easier just to go somewhere and buy one. But that also defeats the purpose of getting one for free. As a college student, free is my favorite word y'know. Anyway, I put in the new order today...and that's about it.

Oh, and on a side note, things went downhill between me and Yesterday. He was beginning to assimilate my customs, my way of life. And in him I saw all the things about myself that I hated. So I had to kill him. It was regrettable, but it had to be done. All my troubles seemed so far away. But now it looks as though they're here to stay. I believed in Yesterday. Why he had to go, I don't know. I couldn't say.

Wednesday

Yes, I skipped a few days. They were throughly uninteresting, and not worth the time or effort to produce them here. I did watch Smallville again, and for my thoughts on the matter, skip up to Tuesday. But I am beginning to realize that this show is a lot like Scooby-Doo. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Some random person gets exposed to meteor rocks, weird things start happening. Chloe starts an investigation, while Clark is still trying to find a way into Lana's pants. Chloe, being somehow tuned into the paranormal, suspects the meteor rocks. Clark makes a promise to Lana. Smallville resident turns freak begins terrorizing more people/dogs/ladybugs. Clark breaks his promise to Lana to go save the day. Chloe is, sadly, now either lost in the background, or poking around getting into more trouble. Clark saves the day. Lana is disappointed in him, but forgives him anyway. Chloe goes home alone (aw...call me baby, I'll fix that). So yeah, if you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Anyway, I called Gateway again, to check the status of my order. And this was particularly funny. And by funny, I mean the kind of funny that fills you with murderous intent.

Me: Hi...so, what's going on with my order?
GT: Ok...let me check...(puts me on hold)

And may I break this conversation to complain about something else? Yes? Why, thank you! ^_^ You know what I really hate about being on hold? When the company is so insecure, so worried that you'll hang up on them, they have the automated voice on repeat going "Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold, and a technical specialist will be with you shortly. Thank you for your patience." every ten seconds. Yes, every ten seconds. Do they not realize how incredibly annoying that is? Just when you're really getting into the instrumental version of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" it gets broken up for this shit. And every time you hear the music stop too, you're thinking "ok, I'm finally off hold" only to be hit with "Your call is important to us..." Rarr! Every time, you poor gullible sucker. And then it gets to a point where you're finally off hold, and you don't want to believe it. You're expecting automated girl to break back in telling you how important you are. I'm absolutely certain that, in one of the circles of hell, this is one of the tortures. Like there's this little phone, with "Appeals to Heaven" written in glowing white light on it, and you pick it up and you hear "Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold, and a technical specialist will be with you shortly. Thank you for your patience." alternating with the Captain and Tenille's "Muskrat Love" every four seconds.

Back to the conversation...

GT: Hmm...it says here that your order was recieved, but no one ever placed it.
Me: ...What?

Oh, and I should mention here that he was talking about the original order I placed last Monday, not the new one I did on Friday. They didn't even have a record of that one.

GT: Yeah, no one ever placed it.
Me: That is seriously not funny.
GT: Well, I can go ahead and place the order for you, would you like me to do that?
Me: Huh...yeah.
GT: Ok, so that's going to be 5-7 business days.
Me: On top of the week and a half I've already been waiting because somebody up there did not place my order?
GT: Well, I can go ahead and mark this special overnight delivery, free of charge since you've been inconvienienced.
Me: Please. (Italics alone cannot express just how sarcastically I said this)

You know those guys who get so fed up with the world, that they totally flip out and take a sniper rifle up to some rooftop and start picking people off? If you should run into one of those guys, please direct them to the Gateway building. As a personal favor, to me. If you're not too busy ducking bullets.

Thursday

*begin playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata*

Where did I go wrong? I mean, I tried to live my life as an upright, honest man. I was never cruel or unkind to others. I even fed stray cats. Occasionally. So, what did I do to deserve this? Is this about Lucy back in the 11th grade? How many times do I have to apologize for that! Jesus...

It isn't until a man is fully immersed in solitude when he truly meets himself. When he confronts his angels and demons, shakes their hands and says "Howdy." Yes, the truth is finally revealed. And nothing will ever be the same. I see myself...I see my light and my darkness, and I'm ready baby. I'm ready to embrace the void, the blackest night, the deepest holes, the furthest recesses of my soul.

I shouldn't have killed Yesterday. He was such a good boy. Tasted pretty good too.

I'm ready. Exile...from cyberspace isn't so bad. I've discovered things I never thought possible. Freed from the bounds of cyberspace, I have boldy explored the realm of the real world. It's brutal, and savage, but I can master it. There is no limit to my potential. No bounds to my greatness. Who needs them? Ha! They need me. Let them cry and mourn the loss of me. Soon they will learn just how royally they have screwed up, and they will come crawling back to me, and I will turn to them and say "Who's your daddy now Junior!" And it will be good.

And no, my new monitor did not come today.

Friday

Saved! Sweet merciful Jesus, I'm saved! My new monitor has arrived! Arrived! Arrived I tell you! My exile...from cyberspace is over! It has been quite a ride. I've been to the depths of hell and back. I have seen things mortal men only dream of. I have tasted the sweet fruit of life, drank its sweet nectar, and baby, it's goooooooood.

And what has this whole experience taught me? Lessons about patience and perserverance maybe...? That there is more to life than the internet. That my afternoons and evenings are better spent in places other than at the computer. That by going to bed early, I'm not sacrificing my manly Insomniac Crown, and being responsible. Yeah, something like that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have about a billion random sites to surf. I'm terribly behind.