Anyone who knows me knows that I don't go online much. "You're never online" they say. And it's true - I only turn the infernal thing on (referring of course to AOL instant messenger) every now and then.

Truth be told, I hate it.

Yes, I admit it. I will confess. I hate online chatting. I can hear the shocked gasps and the appalled cries of the audience now. "But Azrael, why? Don't you want to talk to your friends? And always keep in touch? Just drop notes to say hi?" And sure, that all sounds very appealing.

But it's not that simple. Every time I turn the damned thing on (for future reference, anytime I say "that damned thing", and I have a feeling it will occur quite frequently, I am referring to AIM) that is at least an hour of my time, guaranteed. That's a little extreme, you say. Ok, for you nonbelievers, I will prove it. Take the following conversation, which occurs in Real Life Time (heretofore referred to as RLT)...

Jack: Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey Jack, how's it going?
Jack: Good, good. Me and my girlfriend are going to a movie later.
Bob: Cool, I'd love to take in a movie but I have a ton of homework to do.
Jack: Aw, that sucks. Well, I gotta get going, see you later!

Now, this conversation in RLT, would be, what, twenty seconds in length? But what about online time? Instant messages are...well...instant, but that's not the point. It takes Jack, being an average guy and not Super Typer, about five seconds to type "Hey Bob" and send it. Bob, also being an average guy, recieves "Hey Bob", takes about ten seconds to close down the internet porn sites he was browsing, and reply with "Hey Jack, how's it going?" Jack sees this, and again being an average guy, takes about thirty seconds to remember what his plans for that night are, another five to remember who his girlfriend actually is, and then another ten seconds to type and send his reply.

I could go on, but to make a long story short, the above dialogue, which takes twenty seconds in RLT, would take at least two minutes in Online Time. And that's just a simple greeting! A pleaseant, half hour chat with your friends is easily two hours in Online Time! Talking about what you did that weekend, easily half a day! And if you wanted to have a really deep conversation about life, love and dreams...oh, that's the rest of your natural life. Forget about it.

But of course, all you Online Chat Pros know, the above dialogue is far from typical. There weren't any abbreviations! As I've said before, this nation has serious problems with English. And yet we have invented, and stylized no less, internet talk. Apparently, actually typing out a word is far too much work. We have all sorts of abbreviations, to make your chatting experience more pleaseant. We have; lol (laughing out loud), rofl (rolling on floor laughing), ttyl (talk to you later), brb (be right back), afk (away from keyboard), oitfmtc (out in the farm milking the cow), ihalyfabibtatai, (I have always loved you from afar but I've been too afraid to admit it), ysdathd, (you should die a thousand horrible deaths), etc. And there's no kind of manual, no key chart to help you figure this out. People will just inflict these on you, expecting you to automatically know what it means. The first time someone busted "ttyl" on me, I asked "Why are you touching that youthful lad?"

And oh! Don't forget the smileys. An "innovation" so insipid, so foul, that right this very moment, Bill Gates himself is thinking "Dag, yo! Why didn't I copyright smileys!" Yes, they are that evil. Because, of course, text cannot convey your facial expressions. So you need a smiley to do that for you. You've got :) (happy) ;) (winking) :P (playful), and now the next generation of smileys (Smiley Ver 2.0) that won't give you neck problems from having to crane your head. There's ^_^ (smiley), ^_~ (winking), >_< (disgusted) o_O (confused/intrigued), -_-;; (embarrased), ^O^ (Angelina Jolie).

Smiley's themselves aren't all that bad...it's the overuse that kills me. When you get IM's like "^_^ Well, you've always been a good friend ^_~ to me =P if you know o_O what I mean ~_~ =D", yeah, that's just a tad bit annoying.

Friends don't let friends overuse smileys.

I think my biggest gripe with online chatting is how...stale it is. I swear to goodness, people get behind their computers and they get downright stupid. What I really hate is when you take the time and effort to write an insightful and meaningful IM, and you get *absolutely nothing in return*. Oh yes - I'm willing to bet this has happened to you, or maybe you're one of those people who does it.

"lol", is not an appropriate response.

I mean, that really kills me. I sit there, and think of something decent to say, and the other person, usually after a five minute interval, repsonds with "lol." And that's it. That's all, just "lol." You could say almost anything, including something like "You know, I've always thought you were a great person and I've really respected you" and then get "lol" in response (sometimes "heh", some people use "heh" alternatively). Don't tell me that's not the root of all evil. Y'know what - try that shit in real life. I'd like to see someone do it too, something like...

Fred: I tried that clothing store you recommended, but I didn't find much of anything I liked.
Mary: lol

Do that, and see how many friends you still have by the end of the week.

I won't even get into chat rooms. Whatever evil instant messaging is, chat rooms are ten times worse. If I see one more "a/s/l?", I'm going to run a trace on the person who sent it, hop a plane to their house, and beat them until their a/s/l actually changes. Oh, and don't forget that fifteen year-old Elga, an aspiring model from Sweeden is actually forty-five year-old Phil, an accountant in Chicago.

Whatever happened to actually talking to people in person? Back in the dark ages (circa 1994), if you wanted to talk to one of your friends you actually called them up. Or, and this will absolutely floor you, you went over to their houses and actually saw them in person! Gasp! Shock! Scandalous, I know. Every time I see my friends, it's always "I never see you online." Geez, think about that. They're seeing me in person, and then they're complaining that they don't see me online. I mean, I know this is the age of technology and all (which will be the end of us all, mark my words), but have things really gotten that bad? At what point did young bachelors, courting that hot piece of ass from afar, replace "Hey baby, can I get your phone number?" with "Hey baby, can I get your ICQ number?" (I swear to God, that has actually happened).

You know what this is leading to? Pretty soon, actual human interaction will be forbidden. Years from now in the distant future, we will not be allowed to see or speak with another human, it'll all be little chat windows. Immediately after birth, newborn babies will be rushed into a dark, isolated room, with only a little computer (Windows ^_^ Ver 3.2039857q2), which will teach them how to walk, eat, and take care of themselves. Only after years of constant and careful training will the baby be allowed to speak and contact other people, via instant messaging. Baby's first words?

lol.